Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Confused_In_LV on August 25, 2018, 01:18:22 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Just another introduction
Post by: Confused_In_LV on August 25, 2018, 01:18:22 AM
Post by: Confused_In_LV on August 25, 2018, 01:18:22 AM
Hi all, first off, thank you to all who have made this site the amazing wealth of knowledge and support that it is; owner, admins/mods, and members alike.
That being said: Mods, if anything in my intro below needs to be edited out, feel free to PM me and I will promptly comply.
About me:
I'm a 34 y.o. biological male. Happily married to my high-school sweetheart. We have 4 kids from 7 months to 11 years old. I have always been a bit... different I suppose, and have engaged in various "kink" since as early as 5 years old. As I experiment more with my gender, and look at my past, I have noticed a pattern that leads me to believe I may be transgender, or at the very least, gender dysphoric. My behaviors and likes generally center around genital abuse and minimization that, as the forum tagline says, balances on the sharp edge of a knife between innocent kink and self harm. Now before the mods freak out, I DO NOT condone DIY approaches to anything physiological (be it hormones or body modification).
One curious item of note is that, while I have always been openly bisexual, I have never (to my knowledge) outwardly expressed a desire to be female. Despite this, my previous girlfriend in high school once bought me a pair of panties to wear. To this day I don't know why or what compelled her to do so, and our relationship is such that asking would be an awkward enough conversation that I avoid it. Fast forward 5 or so years and one relationship and baby later, about 10 years ago my wife and I began dabbling in enforced chastity and a female led relationship. It felt so... right to be without access to the body part that I have always had somewhat of a disdain for, and in the periods where my boy bits are not locked up, I always feel a mild depression and yearning to return to the cage which leaves me without the use and function of it. For a long time I thought it was the power play that caused me to be drawn to it, but I'm beginning to believe more and more that it's the virtual "loss" of my boy bits that makes it such a satisfying experience.
Fast forward to about 6 months ago, there is one pair of my wife's panties that I really like and began wearing on a fairly regular basis. She noticed that it kept showing up in the wash despite her having not worn them and she confronted me about it. She frequently wears my boxers, shirts, sandals, socks, jackets, etc... so I downplayed it as being me just acting in kind. At the time, I didn't really understand WHY I liked wearing them, but I send her an email that said something along the lines of me liking the way the felt and how they make me feel. In her reply she said that she thought this was more than me proving a point but hoped she was wrong, and followed with"
As I've continued to question myself and experiment since that point, I have started shaving my legs and enjoy that greatly, and the feminine feeling it gives me.
Two weeks ago, my wife was working on the weekend, and I offered to paint my daughter's toenails, and to my surprise, my wife suggested that my daughter paint mine. I let my daughter pick the color (flamingo pink) and she proceeded to do the best a 4 year old can do at painting toenails. When she was done, I tidied up the polish and did a proper job. I LOVED them. Looking at them gave me a deep sense of joy and a feeling of confidence about myself. This only leads me to be more gender confused. I frequently envision myself without all the male traits, and what I see is a more content, happy, and confident me. I've always felt like the face in the mirror wasn't me, that I was looking at a stranger but didn't know why.
I continue to question my gender identity, and like anything I'm passionate about, I have begun researching and trying to understand it as deeply as possible. At this point, I think seeing a gender therapist is likely a wise idea, but I am positively TERRIFIED to bring this up to my wife. She is extremely liberal, but at the same time, she is one of the most hetero people I know. I am madly in love with my wife, she is the person I want to grow old with. One thing I do have going for me is that for the last 5-6 years, we have been in a polyandrous relationship (where she is allowed to seek romantic and/or sexual relationships with other men while I remain faithful) so regardless of what becomes of me gender wise, I have absolutely no problem with her seeking what's missing outside our marriage. But while I would be 100% content in a sexless marriage because of how much I love her as a person, a mother, a friend, and so much more, I'm not certain she would feel the same. Outside of my gender identity issues, I have a seemingly perfect life: Beautiful wife, 4 beautiful kids, our dream house, nice car, great career, etc. The last thing I want to do is be the one who blows it up and loses everything, but at the same time, I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my own assigned gender.
So this is where I am, and where I've been. Hopefully with your help and support, I can navigate the waters with myself and my wife to reach where I'd ultimately like to be. I know this was a long post, but if you made it this far, thank you for hearing me out.
That being said: Mods, if anything in my intro below needs to be edited out, feel free to PM me and I will promptly comply.
About me:
I'm a 34 y.o. biological male. Happily married to my high-school sweetheart. We have 4 kids from 7 months to 11 years old. I have always been a bit... different I suppose, and have engaged in various "kink" since as early as 5 years old. As I experiment more with my gender, and look at my past, I have noticed a pattern that leads me to believe I may be transgender, or at the very least, gender dysphoric. My behaviors and likes generally center around genital abuse and minimization that, as the forum tagline says, balances on the sharp edge of a knife between innocent kink and self harm. Now before the mods freak out, I DO NOT condone DIY approaches to anything physiological (be it hormones or body modification).
One curious item of note is that, while I have always been openly bisexual, I have never (to my knowledge) outwardly expressed a desire to be female. Despite this, my previous girlfriend in high school once bought me a pair of panties to wear. To this day I don't know why or what compelled her to do so, and our relationship is such that asking would be an awkward enough conversation that I avoid it. Fast forward 5 or so years and one relationship and baby later, about 10 years ago my wife and I began dabbling in enforced chastity and a female led relationship. It felt so... right to be without access to the body part that I have always had somewhat of a disdain for, and in the periods where my boy bits are not locked up, I always feel a mild depression and yearning to return to the cage which leaves me without the use and function of it. For a long time I thought it was the power play that caused me to be drawn to it, but I'm beginning to believe more and more that it's the virtual "loss" of my boy bits that makes it such a satisfying experience.
Fast forward to about 6 months ago, there is one pair of my wife's panties that I really like and began wearing on a fairly regular basis. She noticed that it kept showing up in the wash despite her having not worn them and she confronted me about it. She frequently wears my boxers, shirts, sandals, socks, jackets, etc... so I downplayed it as being me just acting in kind. At the time, I didn't really understand WHY I liked wearing them, but I send her an email that said something along the lines of me liking the way the felt and how they make me feel. In her reply she said that she thought this was more than me proving a point but hoped she was wrong, and followed with"
QuoteI don't really understand why you'd want to wear girls underwear or underwear that looks feminine. That sounds like the beginning of becoming a cross dresser... Next I'll find you wearing my bras...Since I myself didn't understand it, I denied the desire to wear bras and cross dressing, because, at the time, I thought that was just silly, but it planted a seed that I just couldn't shake and made me start examining myself, my feelings, and my behaviors...
Seeing a guy wearing feminine looking underwear is a turn off for me. I am attracted to guys because they are guys. Lace and thongs and frills totally kill the mood for me.
You said you like it because of the way it made you feel... Like a woman? Like a cross dresser? I'm just not understanding this...
As I've continued to question myself and experiment since that point, I have started shaving my legs and enjoy that greatly, and the feminine feeling it gives me.
Two weeks ago, my wife was working on the weekend, and I offered to paint my daughter's toenails, and to my surprise, my wife suggested that my daughter paint mine. I let my daughter pick the color (flamingo pink) and she proceeded to do the best a 4 year old can do at painting toenails. When she was done, I tidied up the polish and did a proper job. I LOVED them. Looking at them gave me a deep sense of joy and a feeling of confidence about myself. This only leads me to be more gender confused. I frequently envision myself without all the male traits, and what I see is a more content, happy, and confident me. I've always felt like the face in the mirror wasn't me, that I was looking at a stranger but didn't know why.
I continue to question my gender identity, and like anything I'm passionate about, I have begun researching and trying to understand it as deeply as possible. At this point, I think seeing a gender therapist is likely a wise idea, but I am positively TERRIFIED to bring this up to my wife. She is extremely liberal, but at the same time, she is one of the most hetero people I know. I am madly in love with my wife, she is the person I want to grow old with. One thing I do have going for me is that for the last 5-6 years, we have been in a polyandrous relationship (where she is allowed to seek romantic and/or sexual relationships with other men while I remain faithful) so regardless of what becomes of me gender wise, I have absolutely no problem with her seeking what's missing outside our marriage. But while I would be 100% content in a sexless marriage because of how much I love her as a person, a mother, a friend, and so much more, I'm not certain she would feel the same. Outside of my gender identity issues, I have a seemingly perfect life: Beautiful wife, 4 beautiful kids, our dream house, nice car, great career, etc. The last thing I want to do is be the one who blows it up and loses everything, but at the same time, I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with my own assigned gender.
So this is where I am, and where I've been. Hopefully with your help and support, I can navigate the waters with myself and my wife to reach where I'd ultimately like to be. I know this was a long post, but if you made it this far, thank you for hearing me out.
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: Jessica on August 25, 2018, 02:00:17 AM
Post by: Jessica on August 25, 2018, 02:00:17 AM
Thank you for this heartfelt look into your life. It is similar to a number of members here.
Relationships are sometimes the hardest hit when we search for our identity.
Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
All we can do is be truthful or stay in the dark and struggle with it all. The latter is a possibility for some, and less likely for others depending on how severe gender dysphoria you may have.
I hope for the best in your relationship, counseling is a vital tool. Please seek it out for you, your wife and your children, if they are old enough to understand, if you decide to move forward.
I had greeted you in the middle of someone else's thread with links and tips. I will post them again so you will have easy access when you need it.
Hugs and smiles, Jessica
Relationships are sometimes the hardest hit when we search for our identity.
Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't.
All we can do is be truthful or stay in the dark and struggle with it all. The latter is a possibility for some, and less likely for others depending on how severe gender dysphoria you may have.
I hope for the best in your relationship, counseling is a vital tool. Please seek it out for you, your wife and your children, if they are old enough to understand, if you decide to move forward.
I had greeted you in the middle of someone else's thread with links and tips. I will post them again so you will have easy access when you need it.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Hugs and smiles, Jessica
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: Alice V on August 25, 2018, 04:33:45 AM
Post by: Alice V on August 25, 2018, 04:33:45 AM
Hey!
It seems you have great family, and though your wife first sounds deniable maybe if you talk with her honestly and explain you'll remain same person even after transition and will still love her she'll understand? Though you can see it better, so it's up to you to decide how to deal with it ofc. I just wanna welcome you here and wish you figuring out what to do to be content and happy :)
It seems you have great family, and though your wife first sounds deniable maybe if you talk with her honestly and explain you'll remain same person even after transition and will still love her she'll understand? Though you can see it better, so it's up to you to decide how to deal with it ofc. I just wanna welcome you here and wish you figuring out what to do to be content and happy :)
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: Virginia on August 25, 2018, 08:27:09 AM
Post by: Virginia on August 25, 2018, 08:27:09 AM
Quote from: Confused_In_LV on August 25, 2018, 01:18:22 AM
and have engaged in various "kink" since as early as 5 years old.
Sexual experiences at this young age have a devastating effect on a child's mind. Many cisgender men who were sexually abused as children have sexual fantasies about becoming women, need to dress as women, experience extreme guilt related to masturbation, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals. One in Six men are sexually abused so these are all quite common in cisgender males and are not necessarily related to ->-bleeped-<-. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm
I am a survivor of childhood sexual and psychological abuse. My mind developed Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality and a system of 5 identities, one one being a 13 year old girl, to cope with the trauma. When she became self aware I was misdiagnosed as transsexual with Gender Dysphoria. Three years of therapy later the time/memory loss nightmares and flashbacks began and I was referred for trauma recovery therapy.
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 25, 2018, 10:44:31 AM
Post by: Northern Star Girl on August 25, 2018, 10:44:31 AM
@Confused_In_LV
Thank you for following the LINK and suggestion from our lovely member @Jessica and coming here to the Introductions Forum to tell other members here about yourself.
I am so glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and detailed introduction posting with other members here on the Forums.
I am thinking that you may have more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.
I also see that our member Jessica has already officially welcomed you,
but please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
Be certain to look over the Important LINKS that Jessica included in her Welcome Message.... there is information there that will tell you about navigating around the Susan's Place Forums.
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
Thank you for following the LINK and suggestion from our lovely member @Jessica and coming here to the Introductions Forum to tell other members here about yourself.
I am so glad that you have become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and detailed introduction posting with other members here on the Forums.
I am thinking that you may have more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.
I also see that our member Jessica has already officially welcomed you,
but please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
Be certain to look over the Important LINKS that Jessica included in her Welcome Message.... there is information there that will tell you about navigating around the Susan's Place Forums.
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: V M on August 25, 2018, 01:42:06 PM
Post by: V M on August 25, 2018, 01:42:06 PM
Hi there :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: Confused_In_LV on August 25, 2018, 02:21:32 PM
Post by: Confused_In_LV on August 25, 2018, 02:21:32 PM
Thank you all for the warm welcome. I've been enjoying browsing around and chatting with folks on IRC and Discord, it's nice to socialize with like minded individuals.
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: DawnOday on August 25, 2018, 02:55:26 PM
Post by: DawnOday on August 25, 2018, 02:55:26 PM
Confused. Welcome and I have something you may want to read. It's called The Gender Variant by Anne Vitale Phd http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
I know it answered many of my questions and helped relieve my guilt. It also helped explain to my family. Granted I have a long marriage and grown kids and we have been through a lot of challenges. But we have conquered every one. Including this one. I consider my wife as my best friend and she feels the same about me. I know at the beginning of my journey just over two years ago I carried a lifetime of fears with me. But I feel beginning transition saved my life and my marriage because my anger kept building until I had a breakdown. I promised to seek therapy. I had been several times before but could not reveal myself so I got to attend several stress relief seminars. This time I went to a gender therapist and after three visits I started HRT. I did not tell my family until a month after I started HRT. I knew the consequences if my family did not agree with me that I would be living in a SHAG apartment soon. To my delight they all accepted my decision. Now I have been on HRT for two years. I attend a couple support groups which allows me to express myself several times a week and I get to socialize with people I honestly didn't know existed. Many of the people I have met are outstanding individuals. And most of all, my brain which formed on massive doses of estrogen while in utero, is for once at ease. No guilt, no anger, no self hate.
I know it answered many of my questions and helped relieve my guilt. It also helped explain to my family. Granted I have a long marriage and grown kids and we have been through a lot of challenges. But we have conquered every one. Including this one. I consider my wife as my best friend and she feels the same about me. I know at the beginning of my journey just over two years ago I carried a lifetime of fears with me. But I feel beginning transition saved my life and my marriage because my anger kept building until I had a breakdown. I promised to seek therapy. I had been several times before but could not reveal myself so I got to attend several stress relief seminars. This time I went to a gender therapist and after three visits I started HRT. I did not tell my family until a month after I started HRT. I knew the consequences if my family did not agree with me that I would be living in a SHAG apartment soon. To my delight they all accepted my decision. Now I have been on HRT for two years. I attend a couple support groups which allows me to express myself several times a week and I get to socialize with people I honestly didn't know existed. Many of the people I have met are outstanding individuals. And most of all, my brain which formed on massive doses of estrogen while in utero, is for once at ease. No guilt, no anger, no self hate.
Title: Re: Just another introduction
Post by: Confused_In_LV on August 26, 2018, 12:40:50 AM
Post by: Confused_In_LV on August 26, 2018, 12:40:50 AM
Thank you Dawn! That looks like a great resource. I am hopeful that my wife will accept me as, like you, she is my best friend. While we may have a younger relationship than yours, we have known each other for around 20 years. (gosh it's hard to believe it's been that long!)