Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have stayed away from forums, online conversation, dressing, etc. (pretty much the whole nine yards) for several months with the hope that IT would just fade away like early morning fog.  Pink fog is obviously made of sterner stuff.  I have tried to move on by filling my life with so much to think about and do that there simply isn't room for in my life for dysphoria, but despite my best efforts IT crowds its way its way into my consciousness.  Sometimes it is just a gentle whisper.  Today it is a full-blown roar.  What is a body to to do?  I suppose at some juncture I invited IT into my life to fill a void and from time to time through the years I have toyed with IT, to a certain extent nurtured IT and even occasionally embraced IT as simply part of who I am.  This is one genie that simply refuses to go back in the bottle.  Once again, what is a body? 

Hi, Katy.

Sorry to hear that you have the dysphoria blues.

No, dysphoria, unfortunately, does not simply go away.  It is not something that you "invited in".  It is there because you are living in a gender role that is not who you are, or because your body does not match who you are.  And all the experiences I have heard about on these forums indicate that it does not go away until you do something about it.

This discussion comes up repeatedly here. And the unanimous answer is no, it never goes away. It only gets worse until you take some proactive steps to deal with it.

If it is in fact caused by what medical science is slowly proving then it can't go away. It's not a psychological choice or condition at all.  Rather is a patterning of physical brain structures caused by epigenetic influences before you were born.

It is simply who we are and forcing ourselves to be something different causes increasing mental distress as time goes on.


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Quote from: Deborah on August 25, 2018, 05:06:57 PM
This discussion comes up repeatedly here. And the unanimous answer is no, it never goes away. It only gets worse until you take some proactive steps to deal with it.

If it is in fact caused by what medical science is slowly proving then it can't go away. It's not a psychological choice or condition at all.  Rather is a patterning of physical brain structures caused by epigenetic influences before you were born.

It is simply who we are and forcing ourselves to be something different causes increasing mental distress as time goes on.


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Quote from: KathyLauren on August 25, 2018, 05:02:00 PM
Hi, Katy.

Sorry to hear that you have the dysphoria blues.

No, dysphoria, unfortunately, does not simply go away.  It is not something that you "invited in".  It is there because you are living in a gender role that is not who you are, or because your body does not match who you are.  And all the experiences I have heard about on these forums indicate that it does not go away until you do something about it.

What she said. 



Didn't go away for me either, no matter how hard I tried to make leave.  It would stay quiet for months at a time sometimes but never stopped being there. I didn't call dysphoria at the time as I didn't really know there was a word for always wanting to be a girl.

  Was about 2 years ago I finally figured out that it wasn't going away and went to a therapist to see if I could figure out what was going on.

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Do we want it to go away or does transphobia tell us that it doesn't belong?
Either way I know I have to live with "it" and I guess with myself too...

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It never goes away no matter how hard we struggle to make it disappear. I made my own life miserable by trying to block my emotions and with it those feelings. You really can't. We are hardwired by the basis of multiple sexually dimorphic brain regions. In those neural structures are basic gender instincts. We grow up fighting those instincts because we are afraid to let who we are be known by others.

In the end it is like a computer program trying to access addresses that do not exist on the processor. It doesn't work right.

I found the disphoria only goes away with the right hormone for your neural wiring, and letting you be who you are. As I let my emotions fully integrate into my thoughts so much of that background stress went away. It is scary no doubt. For me moving into normal life as myself has made everything but disphoria about specific areas go away. I hate those masculine traits that still haunt me as they remind me of who i had to pretend to be and limit my adaptation into a natural state of being.

It's nothing we have control over and therefore it won't go away. It began in utero in the first trimester. Everything was humming along and our bodies formed male. But the second and third trimester is where the brain is formed. Between about week eight and the second trimester something happens. In my case my mother was given large doses of female hormones to prevent miscarriage. Which affected my brain development. Today's bombardment of GMO's and other hormones have an impact that has yet to be explained due to lack of research and the strong religious belief that we bring this on ourselves. I was 64 when I started, I was having a breakdown, my marriage was on the rocks and in order to stabilize my mind  I began HRT. The relief I have felt for shame and guilt being addressed and coming out of a very dark, scary closet. I no longer have the weight of the world on my shoulders. If it is possible find a support group near you and attend some of the meetings. I didn't know another transgender person before and when I started attending, I rejoiced that I was not alone. Since then my marriage has recovered. My children and wife support my decision. I have again started to make friends and if my congestive heart failure abaits for a few more years, I expect them to be the best years of my life.

Quote from: Katy on August 25, 2018, 04:57:26 PM
I have stayed away from forums, online conversation, dressing, etc. (pretty much the whole nine yards) for several months with the hope that IT would just fade away like early morning fog.  Pink fog is obviously made of sterner stuff.  I have tried to move on by filling my life with so much to think about and do that there simply isn't room for in my life for dysphoria, but despite my best efforts IT crowds its way its way into my consciousness.  Sometimes it is just a gentle whisper.  Today it is a full-blown roar.  What is a body to to do?  I suppose at some juncture I invited IT into my life to fill a void and from time to time through the years I have toyed with IT, to a certain extent nurtured IT and even occasionally embraced IT as simply part of who I am.  This is one genie that simply refuses to go back in the bottle.  Once again, what is a body?

Hi Katy. 

I'm probably younger than most of you,  but,  I remember my dysphoria, my pink fog.  Ive always thought I was just a sissy male, but, after realizing that I was transgender, I embraced it. 

I know I'm not helping you at all,  but,  I do know the fog will not leave you,  unless you embrace IT.

Love,  Sandi

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I'm sorry I plowed a furrow that has been unearthed repeatedly.  It is likely in years gone by I may have written something similar.  My memory isn't what it used to be. 

I am grateful that each of the contributors took time to reply to my query.  I appreciated reading your perspectives which have a common theme, "It doesn't go away."  Seemingly there there are no simple answers.

Thanks again.

Katy

Quote from: Katy on August 25, 2018, 09:54:50 PM
I'm sorry I plowed a furrow that has been unearthed repeatedly.  It is likely in years gone by I may have written something similar.  My memory isn't what it used to be. 

I am grateful that each of the contributors took time to reply to my query.  I appreciated reading your perspectives which have a common theme, "It doesn't go away."  Seemingly there there are no simple answers.

Thanks again.

Katy

Probably others wondering the same thing, seems to be why a lot of people come here.  I don't think there's a problem with revisiting the subject.  I don't think Deb was saying "hey we covered this already", just pointing out that this comes up often and the answer is always an uppercase NO.

Which isn't totally true, it's really "not on its own". 

For me it started to lessen when I figured out that the reason I always wanted  to be a girl is that I am one.  Got fooled by the birth body and then the testosterone. HRT then helped make it mostly go away. I still have bouts of dysphoria at times, but the triggers are different and its more about things I missed out on by not growing up female or my still too male and too large body rather than "the why am I not female". 






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Quote from: TonyaW on August 26, 2018, 07:58:52 AM
Probably others wondering the same thing, seems to be why a lot of people come here.  I don't think there's a problem with revisiting the subject.  I don't think Deb was saying "hey we covered this already", just pointing out that this comes up often and the answer is always an uppercase NO.

[emoji3] Yes, that's what I meant. I could have phrased it better. [emoji20]



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Not to worry.  I wasn't offended, not in the least; just concerned that my post was a bit annoying.  I have no desire to do that.

All the best,

Katy

Quote from: Katy on August 26, 2018, 11:48:59 AM
Not to worry.  I wasn't offended, not in the least; just concerned that my post was a bit annoying.  I have no desire to do that.

All the best,

Katy

Hi Katy,

I've been on Susans for quite a while.  I continue to read these particular threads because I'm constantly looking for an alternative approach that works.  Unfortunately there haven't been any.   

I've tried low dose E but I'm now craving a much higher dose.  My body has already changed a bit.  I see myself in the mirror now and I can see a lot of femininity.  It seems like this approach for me has just started me on the slippery slope.  It just a matter of time until I fully transition.

I wish I had a more positive alternative to treat this dysphoria, unfortunately as others have said it's who we are.

Take care,
Paige :)

I tried for 30 years to make it go away by more and more extreme measures. I came to the conclusion I was only making myself miserable trying to run from something that is simply part of me. Choosing to embrace it and transition was by far the best decision I ever made bar none.

I have threads book marked where people buy time using various flavors of HRT. Some underdress while others survive with occasional vacations from their birth gender. Work arounds are highly personal as what works for some, doesn't work for others. For some the only answer is to transition. A work around might reduce the dysphoria so that you can live with it.

It never goes away but for some there is a compromise that will buy them time.

For many of the ladies on this forum, including myself, IT never goes away until we DO something about IT.

However, since we are all individuals with different needs and situations, I can imagine that there are some people who have managed to send IT away with little effort. But I have not met anyone who has.

Thanks again for your kind advice.  My circumstances are such that doing something about IT is unfathomable.  I shall simply have to muddle on.

All the best,

Katy

Quote from: Katy on August 27, 2018, 01:47:40 PM
My circumstances are such that doing something about IT is unfathomable.

I urge you. Don't give up the dream.

One day you may find, the impossible becomes possible.

Jane, I don't think I have a dream.  I'm just trying to muddle through life as best I can.  Most days I cope fairly well, but from time to time the dysphoria really sends me reeling.  Sleepless nights and anxiety replace any sense of normalcy.  It is at times such as these that I long for something that would put IT behind me for good. 

I appreciate all of the replies I received.  The fact that no one offered me the silver bullet neither surprises me nor diminishes my gratitude.

All the best,

Katy

The closest thing I know of for a silver bullet is low dose HRT. It doesn't work for everybody but it can reduce the amount of dysphoria you feel. Low dose may reduce the rate of change but there will be changes. A month or two with your testosterone suppressed is sufficient for a test period but it's not long enough for much in the way of changes.

Quote from: Katy on August 27, 2018, 01:47:40 PM
I shall simply have to muddle on.

All the best,

Katy

Katy,

I muddled on for over 50 years. It is difficult to do and not always successful.

Everyone's circumstances change over time. Mine changed when the kids were on their own and my SO did not want to be related to me anymore. We are referred to as late transitioners.

Take care. You never know what the future will be for you.  :icon_lips:

Hello Katy

I'm afraid I must also say "No". It can be buried or suppressed temporarily but it always comes back and as the years go by, it returns with greater ferocity.

I had to deal with it last year aged 62 because it became so dominant, that I couldn't get it off my mind day or night for the previous year. I decided to seek therapy and then went onto HRT last February and fully intend to go fulltime in 2019. My advice to you is to at least seek therapy and consider HRT along with remaining on this website of course.

I'm sorry but it simply never goes away.

I wish you satisfactory resolution whichever route you may consider.

Hugs

Pamela

Katy,

I don't recall you mentioning seeing a therapist.  If you haven't,  that may be a place to start.  It would be someone you could at least talk to about everything.

There are some here that are not transitioning for whatever reason and as Dena mentioned, some of them use low dose HRT to help with the dysphoria.



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I haven't seen a therapist.  Perhaps it is time for me to do so.  If only financial considerations weren't a factor, but alas they are.  Frugality is a necessity.

Some therapist charge on a sliding scale where what you pay is adjusted according to your income. If you can, see if you can locate a gender therapist as they will be more familiar with issues related to ->-bleeped-<-. When your looking for a therapist, explain your financial situation and ask if adjustments can be made.

No matter how much I pushed my feeling aside they always came back. It was going to sleep every night and having the same nightmare. It did not matter how much alcohol I drank or how much weed i smoked. I forgot for a while, but it always came back. It only made things worse. Then I felt guilty and dysphoric.

I wished dysphoria has an off switch.

Such a good and consistent conversation. 

I agree with all that has been said.

I suppressed IT for the most part for over 50 years, with elements of female envy, living through my wife and some female expression...I though I was broken and I had serious personal homo phobia.  I did not have the definition or language to explain it and I felt broken inside.  As soon as I asked myself, 'what if I embraced this feminine side' and a friend explained transgender to me, the dam broke wide open with no going back. 

Thankfully with therapy and light HRT things are much better, but the dysphoria and lomgimg persists but in a calmer way. 

I would really encourage a therapist.  It can be a very lonely and dark place when things heat up and you don't see options. 

Please take care.  Hugs

Karen.

Quote from: Katy on August 28, 2018, 12:06:59 PM
I haven't seen a therapist.  Perhaps it is time for me to do so.  If only financial considerations weren't a factor, but alas they are.  Frugality is a necessity.

Support groups are free.  It might be very helpful to talk to people who have been where you are and understand.  Of course, online, such as here, is very similar but there is something about face-to-face that is more significant. If there is an LGBT center near you you can probably get a pointer to trans support groups.

The therapist or LGBT+ support group ideas are probably your best bet at figuring this stuff out.  A lot of us reach a point where we can only learn so much by ourselves.  We need help to get the rest of the way whether that is therapy or talking with other people who we can relate to.  Online support is invaluable and great, but it can seem more real talking about it in person.

Quote from: gingerViktorKay on August 28, 2018, 06:56:38 PM
No matter how much I pushed my feeling aside they always came back. It was going to sleep every night and having the same nightmare. It did not matter how much alcohol I drank or how much weed i smoked. I forgot for a while, but it always came back. It only made things worse. Then I felt guilty and dysphoric.

I wished dysphoria has an off switch.

Sorry that's rough.  :(  I also tried to numb myself with drugs for a long time but it's a temporary and unhealthy "solution" in the long run.  At times I thought maybe I had just somehow convinced myself that this was the way I was and would try to just ignore those thoughts for awhile, and not read about it or interact with people online to talk about it, purge my feminine stuff, etc.

In hindsight that was silly since I've had these thoughts and dysphoria long before I even knew NB/transgender was a thing, and the dysphoria just came back stronger and faster every time.  I still don't know for sure where I'll end up on my journey but seeing a therapist at least gives me some hope that I will eventually figure out something that works.

It didn't go away for me.  In fact, it got far stronger than ever!  That was the point when I decided to explore my feelings instead of ignoring and denying them, and I found out I'm transgender.  I was born trans and I'll be trans until the day I die and I'm ok with it.  I still battle with dysphoria, but I'm taking the necessary steps toward living comfortably in my own skin one day at a time.

Hugs!!!


Danielle

I slept the whole night through last night, the first time that this has happened in weeks.  What a difference a restful night makes!  Of course one doesn't overcome the sluggishness of sleep deprivation in a single night, but it is decidedly a step in the right direction.  Is this also a signal that this period of dysphoria on steroids is coming to an end?  Who knows?  I hope so.  A greater sense of equilibrium would be greatly appreciated.  Even if IT won't go away, it would be good if IT would lurk in the shadows for awhile so that I can recharge my batteries.

Thanks again for your concern and thoughtful responses. 

All the best,

Katy

Yes, my trans feelings did go away for some hours. I don't think I have ever went more than a day or two without having trans fantasies.

So I think the main question you should ask is, have I ever been happy as a man?

I think, I have been happy doing some fun activities, but not at being a man "in of itself". And as a man I feel socially awkward, like I am a shadow-person, a stranger that cannot talk to anyone in public, and when I do talk to strangers it feels inauthentic and villainous. It is similar to the feeling of, being a demon, possessing someone's body, and when the stranger you are talking to laughs, you just fake laugh with them and mimic the small talk in order to pretend you are a normal person. Everything feels choreographed, scripted, non-spontaneous, like it is careful tactics, like James Bond's charisma.

Quote from: gingerViktorKay on August 28, 2018, 06:56:38 PM
No matter how much I pushed my feeling aside they always came back. It was going to sleep every night and having the same nightmare. It did not matter how much alcohol I drank or how much weed i smoked. I forgot for a while, but it always came back. It only made things worse. Then I felt guilty and dysphoric.

I wished dysphoria has an off switch.

What was the nightmare?

nope, but it definitely comes stronger and weaker in waves.

For me it becomes unbearable when I have to be my most masculine.
It is eased by any kind of female validation.

I have this strange reaction if I am complimented on anything male. For example, how attractive I am as a man.

It's like a kick in the stomach when people think they are being nice!

If you could push a button and make IT go away, would you? 

That is what I have thought about in the past, and the answer is "no", but for one simple reason.  "IT" is what I am, without IT, I would not be me.  And that is the thing, it never will go away because it is a fundamental part of who I am, and while I can fight myself till the end of my days by trying to suppress who I am, it will always be there. 

The desire to break through, and live as I want does get strong, I think it is just the natural part of repression.  Perhaps that is the root cause of these waves that so many of us go through, we accept it partially, we toy around with the idea, then we are often defeated by unrealistic expectations both out of ourselves, and society, and while that may hold us back and repress such feelings, eventually our natural selves push back.

I don't know, I'm not a psychologist.

But I don't think it goes away, because it is who we are.  I think in transitioning, and allowing yourself to be "yourself" the feelings of repressing yourself may go away, I don't know though because I am still at the stage in my life where I'm too afraid to transition, where I feel guilty about not meeting society's expectations, and feel ashamed that I can not uphold some nonsensical standard my family and I have put on me.

Now only if there were a button, a huge red button labeled "I don't give a #*%" that would take away all of the negative feelings, that would let us just accept ourselves entirely and even love ourselves.. I would be pushing that button all day long.

Quote from: zamber74 on August 31, 2018, 12:40:06 PM
But I don't think it goes away, because it is who we are. 

From the perspective of a few years farther down the road, I don't agree.  Dysphoria was never who I was.  It was my reaction to not being who I really was.  Once I resolved to become my authentic self, it started to go away.  I am mostly there, and it is mostly gone.

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 31, 2018, 01:47:58 PM
From the perspective of a few years farther down the road, I don't agree.  Dysphoria was never who I was.  It was my reaction to not being who I really was.  Once I resolved to become my authentic self, it started to go away.  I am mostly there, and it is mostly gone.

Hi Kathy,

I ageee that dysphoria is not who we are, but I would say that being transgender doesn't go away because it is who we are.  My therapist has been working toward me seeing myself as a trans woman as who I am, and I think I'm finally coming around to that.  My dysphoria may go away as I transition, but I will always be trans.  At least that's how I define "IT."

I was just asking my partner the other night "what if there were an alternative treatment that I didn't know about?  What if transitioning isn't the only answer?"

But I'm a woman.  Transitioning is saving me from the darkness that lived in me before I accepted this truth.  That's the only way to be me.  There is no other treatment.

I don't necessarily see "transgender" as who I am, rather, transitioning is teaching me who I am. 

Quote from: Angelic on August 31, 2018, 07:45:18 AM
I think, I have been happy doing some fun activities, but not at being a man "in of itself". And as a man I feel socially awkward, like I am a shadow-person, a stranger that cannot talk to anyone in public, and when I do talk to strangers it feels inauthentic and villainous. It is similar to the feeling of, being a demon, possessing someone's body, and when the stranger you are talking to laughs, you just fake laugh with them and mimic the small talk in order to pretend you are a normal person. Everything feels choreographed, scripted, non-spontaneous, like it is careful tactics, like James Bond's charisma.

Yeah it just feels awful constantly pretending to be something you aren't.  I feel like I am lacking a real connection with everyone I interact with because I'm not able to be who I am so they are just getting to know this persona I've created.  It's very lonely and being around people doesn't help because I'm just suffering inside trying to keep up this public persona that isn't me.  And missing out on meeting people who would like the real me because no one ever sees them.