Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Actually more than presentation. I've sort of reach a point about 3.5 to 4 years in where I feel angry at myself for undertaking all of this. Forgetting the fact that dysphoria had me in all sorts of unhealthy cycles prior to about 2014. Why angry? The loss I have experienced and the fact that i live in a world of sideways glances and double takes. Constantly.

I find myself presenting more masculine or androgynous for various reasons that include just so i can have a level of anonymity. Like today, i am wearing no makeup, very unisex looking black Chelsea boots, a black t-shirt with no bra and distressed plain jeans. My longish hair that i took so much effort to grow, color and style is in a high bun. I can't hide my largeish (38DD) boobs though not without ironically perhaps, binding them.

I also find myself more androgynous or masculine with my girlfriend as we have gone closer and I'm mad at myself for that as though women don't date women or some silly thing thought like that. I'm the first woman she has dated and perhaps i'm insecure about that. I also date a guy and another girl but both fairly casually, with the guy, I'm more feminine. Again more self-anger. This has led in part to more self-abuse and harm

It feels like a crazy, painful plateau and I'm somewhat at a loss how to leave it. Talk therapy helps some but i think i may try EMDR therapy next as it is supposed to sort of rewire the brain. I don't feel like de-transitioning is an option and i know there is no "right" way to present to the world as a trans woman, but to some extent, the limbo is killing me. Intellectually, i understand these things but aligning the intellectual and emotional self is proving very hard.

Any thoughts or similar experiences in your journey?

Well I have to say, your post scares the heck out of me.  I've been on HRT for 7 months, doing electrolysis, and probably going to have FFS in the next 3 months.  In the process, I've destroyed my marriage, one of my kids isn't talking to me, I'm leaving my job and hometown behind, and moving into a trailer.  I've told myself I can do this and I will be happy I did in the long run, but doubt always creeps in when one considers the unknowns.

Are you sorry you ever started the process of transition?  Are you dissatisfied because you feel you don't adequately pass?

Quote from: Breeze 57 on August 29, 2018, 08:57:01 PM
Well I have to say, your post scares the heck out of me.  I've been on HRT for 7 months, doing electrolysis, and probably going to have FFS in the next 3 months.  In the process, I've destroyed my marriage, one of my kids isn't talking to me, I'm leaving my job and hometown behind, and moving into a trailer.  I've told myself I can do this and I will be happy I did in the long run, but doubt always creeps in when one considers the unknowns.

Are you sorry you ever started the process of transition?  Are you dissatisfied because you feel you don't adequately pass?

I'm sorry to trigger or scare anyone. Just trying to see if others have experienced similar. Everyone and their resilience is so different. The price so often very high without a doubt, but I also mention in another post, not just the losses but also the gains; new love, friends, activism opportunities, etc.

Are there regrets? for sure many, but I am also at a loss to see what my real alternatives were. We all fight this wonderful battle with life's challenges until we don't anymore. I never ever considered passing to be important and also wanted to somewhat even fight the desire to, but anonymity on an hour to hour, day to day basis has its advantages and peace. I don't hate my looks at all, people find me desirable, although I sort of dislike my need for validation from others.

My body dysphoria was always slight and overwhelmed by my social dysphoria. In addition to abusing myself, I'm running every day, did 6 miles yesterday, trying to take care of myself as I can. I had a nice date with my boyfriend last night and I found myself shifting into more feminine mannerisms and actions with him. Strange and sort of mind-boggling for me.

I can sort of relate in that, instead of trying my best to be all masculine that I'm basically stealth, because of my mental issues (depression, etc) I find that most days I dont have it in me to even put on a binder. (Im 36DD too) so between people gawking at me for not "wearing a bra like a normal lady" and well, dealimg with the dysphoria that comes with not passing as a man, it hurts. Ive been transitioning for 5 years now. I got so depressed I went off HRT for a few months this year when i actually was passing 90% of the time and screwed things up that i almost have to start over again. And I noticed that at the height of my "passing "my dysphoria was showing whenever I didnt, worse than before. I was a little mad at myself for starting this in the first place, even if ive had the luck of being mostly accepted in my family and having resources. Its almost as if when I wasn't focusing on the dysphoria and just thought it was a weird sort of depression, I was okayish. Now I feel more anxiety about all the times I get those double takes. I am mostly appearing androgynous at most because Im finding all the anxiety and overwhelming feelings too much to bear. But I'm trying to see a therapist and talk it out. Im focusing on not missing shots and forcing myself through the motions.

We got dealt a bad starting hand. Most people are born in their right bodies. They get to move on in life. We have to start from the beginning and become who we truly are before we can be completely happy in life. More steps for us, but we're strong people. The best thing I can tell you is reach out, maybe speak to a specialist therapist who knows/focuses on gender identity. Take the time to breathe and relax. Find what makes you the most comfortable, and even if it means being androgynous at the moment, then so be it. Take care of your body health wise, mental wise,and remember that even if its going to be a long, long uphil battle, one day you'll be the true you. And you'll be happy. And loving yourself will invite others to love you for you too. Even if people might give you side way glances, even if you dont pass in the end, as long as YOU look in the mirror and feel happy, then you can remind yourself that those people don't matter. Passing doesnt always equal happiness, some people learn how to love themselves however they are or dont mind/like appearing andro.

Just remember that as long as you follow your heart and keep your head up then you will always be able to get over those jerks and transphobic people. I know this wound up being a long rant thing, but I know what you mean. My dysphoria is ruining my relationship but I know that if I stay on the road to becoming me, that itll get better and I need to not let the bad feelings get me down. And I feel the need to be validated too, but thats something we need to remind ourselves that isnt integral to our happiness. At the end of the day you wont see those people again or even if you do, they have their own worries. And if any are cruel, then they must be unhappy to project it onto you or any other transwoman (or anyone in general). Find your happiness, it'll change everything : )
-Adam

Quote from: Breeze 57 on August 29, 2018, 08:57:01 PM
Well I have to say, your post scares the heck out of me.  I've been on HRT for 7 months, doing electrolysis, and probably going to have FFS in the next 3 months.  In the process, I've destroyed my marriage, one of my kids isn't talking to me, I'm leaving my job and hometown behind, and moving into a trailer.  I've told myself I can do this and I will be happy I did in the long run, but doubt always creeps in when one considers the unknowns.

Are you sorry you ever started the process of transition?  Are you dissatisfied because you feel you don't adequately pass?

I am sorry for Robyn's distress of course, but I think it is important to remember that each of us takes a very different path based on our personalities, our individual histories,  and the circumstances we are in. Because Robyn has these thoughts, it doesn't mean anyone who transitions will have these thoughts. After only 2 years, I have not experienced this myself, Robyn. I do think there will come a time where I don't  put in as much effort before I leave the house. It does  bother me to be misgendered. I guess I am reminded of how we felt on Testosterone. To me it was the drug that fed dysphoria.  If I ever let it back in my life in a major way, I expect that horrible feeling would return. I hope you keep talking and make progress figuring this out. I'm sorry for your pain.

All- I really appreciate the feedback. It has been a wonderful summer on so many levels and a real struggle on other levels. Indeed we are all different because of what we have experienced in life and other factors.

A lot of my masculine expression, I don't believe others would recognize as that, perhaps they'd describe it as "tomboy" or something. I have more than one friend that presents themselves in more genderfluid ways. I think I have just experienced so much change, I have a bit of "emotional whiplash" and fatigue. I find myself pretty much dressing the same way every day even though I have a closet full of clothes of all sorts.

I think i'm going to throw on a bit of makeup today :)

I think when we are down in the dumps, nothing kind of looks that great and we sure don't feel into a lot of extra effort. You have to stick with it til you get out of the funk. You'll get there. Hugs!

Robyn,
"I find myself pretty much dressing the same way every day even though I have a closet full of clothes of all sorts."   I've found that looking at my spouses and friends pattern of dress I see we tend to wear 25% of our wardrobe 75% of the time and the rest in decreasing amounts.  Early on, one of my sisters took me shopping and I remember her telling me "you don't need a reason or excuse to dress nicely."  My wardrobe now isn't extensive but I wear it all.  So go and mix it up! 

Ahh, there is nothing like pampering ourselves with a nice face.  Take your time applying make up and have fun.
Judi   

Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on September 03, 2018, 04:34:06 PM
Robyn,
"I find myself pretty much dressing the same way every day even though I have a closet full of clothes of all sorts."   I've found that looking at my spouses and friends pattern of dress I see we tend to wear 25% of our wardrobe 75% of the time and the rest in decreasing amounts.  Early on, one of my sisters took me shopping and I remember her telling me "you don't need a reason or excuse to dress nicely."  My wardrobe now isn't extensive but I wear it all.  So go and mix it up! 

Ahh, there is nothing like pampering ourselves with a nice face.  Take your time applying make up and have fun.
Judi

Can totally see that I suspect those percentages hold true for me too. I really have almost too much clothing at this point and some runs to the thrift stores will be happening.