Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I would like to tell my story, if only for some catharsis.  I am sitting in my office, in midtown manhattan, wearing 4 inch pumps.  I am 48 years old, a professional, married with one child.  It may seem sad, but I very happy just to be able to be in my office, lock the door and fantasize about what I might become, one day.

I have always loved girls.  Even in nursery school, I developed a crush so deep I asked her to marry me.  (She came back the next day and told me her parents said she was too young :-).  I remember throughout my childhood having crushes so deep that they hurt.  My friends of course liked girls too.  But I also felt like the beauty of a girl made me crazy in a way that was not the same as my other friends.  To this day, when I see a beautiful woman, or a woman with tremendous sex appeal, I yearn for them in a way that almost seems extreme.  The only difference is that now, as I have aged and my "dysphoria" (for lack of a better term) increases seemingly with each passing day, I see women and part of me wants to have sex with them, and another part wishes I could look like them.

The dysphoria started early for me.  My first recollection was from about 5 years old.  Hiding in my mother's closet, I rose up from a crouching position and found myself in one of her dresses.  It is hard to describe, but I felt a sense of euphoria. When I was about 8 or 10, I would tuck my penis between my legs in the bathroom and stare at the reflection in the bathroom.  Euphoric, again, but I had a sense my feelings were wrong somehow.  I recall one time a counselor at summer camp, I think I was about 12, remarked that I would make a very pretty girl.  Inwardly I was elated, but I put pretended I didn't appreciate the comment. 

As I hit adolescence and started to masturbate, it was always about being a girl.  My family was fairly well-off and we were fortunate to have a pool in our backyard.  I recall going in to the pool and letting the jets hit my penis and fantasize that I didn't have one until I had an orgasm.  It felt really good.  As I got older, the only way I could masturbate to climax was to imagine myself as a girl.  The old Victoria's Secret catalogues with the beautiful girls in their basques and corsets was my number 1 fantasy.  These days, my best masturbation sessions, (I try to get in about 2 a day on weekdays), is with a pair of heels on reading a fictionmania story about a man who becomes a post-op woman.   

From childhood into adulthood, however, I have always wanted to fit in and be popular.  I never acted effeminate or ever let on to my trans feelings.  I suppose I am a good actor, because I was relatively popular and have always had many, many good friends, none of whom have an inkling about my secret.  I fit in well as a man. I like fantasy football and sports in general.  I like to hang out with the boys. 

I have been fortunate to have had many long term relationships with intelligent, beautiful women, even though I am vertically challenged and not the best looking guy by any stretch.  Thrice engaged.  My last girlfriend became my wife after she became pregnant.  I always wanted to have children, and it seemed like the right think to do even though, in my heart of hearts, I knew I didn't love her as I should. 

It has been a bumpy ride.  It got even bumpier when, about 6 months ago, she started looking at my internet search history and confronted me.  I came clean, telling her about the dysphoria since I was a child (but not about the heels in my office).  It has been hard on her, and now, when we argue, which is all too frequent, she will go low and call me a ->-bleeped-<- and say all kinds of terrible things.  As I am not very attracted to her anymore and can't stand the arguing, I consider getting separated all the time, but 2 things stop me- economics (I really can't afford 2 households) and my daughter who I love and cherish so much that I would hate to only be with her 50% of the time. 

Transitioning.  I fantasize about it constantly.  I have seen therapists about it off and on for years.  I just don't have the strength or courage to do anything about it.  First, I come from a very old school, traditional nuclear and extended family.  My parents, god bless them, are getting on in their years.  If I transitioned it would be devastating to them.  Also, in my day to day life, I am a gregarious fellow with many dear friends, colleagues and acquaintances.  It would be shocking to them and (sorry to say, but it's how I feel) terribly embarrassing for me.  And perhaps more than anything, I am terribly afraid that I will never pass.  Every one is different, and I give great credit to those with the courage, but often I feel as though as much as I want to give in to my desire to transition, I would rather stick it out as a man than be a transwoman that does not pass, let alone one that is not attractive.

Of course, in my day dreams about transitioning, I think that sometime after my folks pass I will get the balls to go on hormones and stay as a man for about 2 years until hopefully with a bit of FFS and some body work I can not only pass but look half decent.  Maybe I will move to Portland, Oregon, or some progressive place like it where no one will know me.  IDK.  It all seems right there but so unattainable given my current situation.

As someone who masturbates constantly about being a women, I have read and given a lot of thought to  ->-bleeped-<-, a taboo subject I know.  At first, I the theory resonated with me.  But after some soul searching I realized that  ->-bleeped-<- does not explain how or why I have had these feelings since childhood. 

Another theory I have, although admittedly it is not well thought out and has plenty of holes, is that for the married straight guys like me that Blanchard was talking about, our desires to transition come from being so incredibly attracted to women that the idea of being one becomes erotic itself.  If you put the sexual orientation of men on a line with gay men on the left, bi to the right of them and hetero to the right of bi, I feel like I am way further to the right of hetero as my insatiable love and fixation with women makes me want to be one.  Or maybe I just should have been born a girl and my obsession comes from not being what I was supposed to be.  I don't know.   

I once went to a psychic who came highly recommended from a friend I consider to be very smart.  Even though I didn't believe in such things I went at his insistence.  This was at the dawn of the internet age, before you could find everything about someone online.  The psychic took some horoscope type of information from me and told me she was going to do some kind of seance thingy and to come back in a few days. 

When I came back to see her she had a look of fear.  She said to me, earnestly, that I had a feminine soul.  Since I definitely do not present the least bit feminine, I was shocked she knew, but I played it off that she must be crazy.  Her statement has often made me think of the eternity of the soul and that perhaps I was and always was, a woman in past lives, if there are such things.   

My wife thinks it is bizarre that I would would be a lesbian if I were a woman.  While I try to explain that gender and orientation are not the same, I can see how to someone on the outside it might seem crazy.  My biggest erotic fantasy is being screwed by a woman with a strap-on as a post-op.  Weird, but true.

Well that's about it.  I perhaps should go back, review and edit, but I am tired, and have a masturbation date with myself before I go out and meet one of my buddies and ogle the beautiful girls...

(Would love to hear feedback although not obligatory.  I have been thinking of writing this mea culpa for some time.  And if I offended anyone, please forgive me.  No offense intended at all.  I think you are all incredibly courageous.)

Cheers,

S

First, I could tell this was a relief may be for you to share? I can understand keeping things hidden, buried and locked away for so long... I was 27 when I started transitioning on hormones almost a year ago and didn't tell anyone, no family at all. Sometimes I wonder if I should have explained it first... or if what I did is the right thing because it was what I needed.... I'm not sure really. I know now ffs would help me, that diet and exercise would really help me and that I have these benchmarks for myself that feel comfortable and maybe even possible.
That's what keeps me going and I know if I felt worse (or kept feeling worse), I would stop. That if things were really getting out of hand then I would dial it all back. It hasn't come to that for me.
I'm also from NYC and I've heard people make comments that trans people are becoming more and more common. It is a bit weird, I have actually seen many trans people around... I know I was treated differently at times myself. It's just something that's more open now but I didn't think about it beforehand living here lol

Hey Allison.  Thanks for your reply.  Yes, just writing this brief history of myself and my transness was a catharsis for me.  (Although now that I went back and read it, I do wish I had gone back and edited it before posting :-)

Good for you for doing what you needed to do.  You got on hormones early enough it seems that you likely pass if that was your ultimate goal, regardless of FFS.  Judging by your picture it seems that you have already developed quite a nice feminine shape.  Going on hormones was and is incredibly courageous.   And I don't see anything wrong with not telling anyone you were transitioning.  We all need to do what works for us.  No judgments.

As for NYC, I do see some folks who are clearly transitioning from time to time, more often than before it seems.  But with all the beautiful transwomen out there, it makes me wonder how many I see but are so passable that I never think twice.

If you ever want to meet up I would love to hear more about your story.  I have never had the opportunity to actually speak with someone who is going through the journey.

Cheers,

S 

@Shira 
Dear Shira 
I am certain that other members, after reading what you wrote in your posting will be along to share their thoughts with you.

Thank you today for your first posting here on Susan's Place.  I am first going to give you a proper welcome and some information that will help you to most benefit being here on the Forums.

I am so glad that you have just become a member of Susan's Place and that you have shared your interesting and detailed posting with the members here on the Forums.  Many of our members will now be aware of your arrival here on the Forums and can address some of the things that you stated on your very first posting here.

I am thinking that you may have lots more questions and concerns, this is the right place for you to be to find out what others have done that may have been in your circumstances.
Be aware that there are a lot of members here that can identify with your situation as you feel free to share it.

Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others  and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
It is nice that you had signed up so you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace. 
I have included Important LINKS that will tell you about Susan's Place.  Included there is information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
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@Shira
Oh, and another thing Shira:
Please stop by the  Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html)  to tell more members about yourself and your arrival here on the Forums.  You can include some brief information from your first post here on this thread so other like-minded members will be able to share with you and you with them.

Enjoy your time here on the Forums, I trust that you will find this an enjoyable and informative experience.
Best wishes to you.... and again, Welcome to Susan's Place
Danielle

You are not alone, Shira. Sexual fantasies about becoming a woman, the need to dress as a woman, extreme guilt related to masturbation, gender confusion, sexual confusion, and/or dysphoria about their genitals are all experienced by cigender men who suffered childhood sexual abuse and are easily mistaken as symptoms of ->-bleeped-<- and Gender Dsyphoria. One in Six men are sexually abused. These feelings and behaviors are common in cisgender males and are not necessarily related to ->-bleeped-<-. There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at: http://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=cfrm

The mind's ability to protect us from things that are too painful to know is astounding. That dissociation enabled me to become a graduate level engineer, have a successful career, marry and live a normal happy life for 48 years without having ANY memory of the sexual and psychological abuse I experienced as a child...Is Beyond My Ability to Conceive. Yet all of these things were eventually verified by my mother, proven out in the family albums, and the memories and feelings I began to recall as I progressed in therapy. By allowing us to remember some things and not others, and keeping enough distance between the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, the mind creates a very different picture from truth that is too painful to see. It is going to take introspection and therapy to unravel the root of your feelings.

Hey Danielle.  Just did.  Thank you for the warm welcome!

Welcome to the site Shira.  You're story sounds  very familiar to me. 
It's a story that many of us can relate too first hand, myself included.  My first impression is that you are making it, as I once did, too complicated.  All this folderol about Blanchard and such is just that.  Nonsense  made up by people to shame us about a human experience that is very, very common from the mists of human history to today and 100% natural.  There is nothing wrong with you.  It's all just the stigma.  The transphobia.  The fear of the unknown and unfamiliar.   Primitive beings shouting "->-bleeped-<-" to the darkness.  In fear.    To try to control the uncontrollable.  If one is born this way. It can't  be controlled.  It just keeps coming back time and again because it is our identity.  Who we are.

It can be accepted and the dysphoria managed though and that means bringing it out of the darkness and for many of us owning the word ->-bleeped-<-.  Just like gays took back ownership of the word ->-bleeped-<-got.   Yes.  I'm a ->-bleeped-<-!  I'll shout it from the rooftop and turn it around on people.  Because I have control of the word now.  It can't hurt me anymore.  I see nothing wrong with it anymore.  It's the new normal.  Once I got there though - was I ever mad - at the cruel game.  The hoax that had been played on me.

Thank  you for sharing your story.  It helps all of us here on Susans when we read another person's story.  More that you even know.

Hi Shira  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

QuoteThe basic rule of storms is they continue until the imbalance that created them is corrected.

Hi Shira.

Transition and the choice to transition is difficult and personal - only you can make that choice, but.... in the forums there are guidelines on approaches that may help you keep those whom you love most dear nearby, and partners in the journey.

What ever happens, we are here to help as much as we can, and support.

(Hugs)


Rowan

Thank you all for the very kind words of support.  Very comforting.  When you hold the secret for so long it feels good to tell the world. Having these feelings, as I am sure you all know, is difficult and confusing as it is, but feeling like I can't actualize the desires is maddening.  And it seems to get worse as you get older.  I spend so much time looking and reading online about women who have transitioned, and masturbating about the idea for some release, that I am not nearly as productive as I would like to be.   

The irony is that I present as such a tough guy, man's kind of man.  I have the courage to stand up for people and act with decisiveness in emergency situations, but the courage to actually transition eludes me.  I feel as though I would be "giving in" and hurting a lot of people close to me in the process.  And the economics of it - from loss of income to massive expenses- seems daunting. Most of these hurdles are probably not insurmountable, I know, but in my head they are massive roadblocks. 

I have given a lot of thought to the idea of "living one's true self" and being "authentic".  But what does that mean?  I have lived successfully as a man for 48 years, is that not my true self?  Would I be "authentic" as a woman?  Yes, I so desperately want to live as a woman- to have a woman's body, to wear dresses and heels, to be feminine- but is it a fantasy, or the "real" me? 

I wish I could figure it out.  I have so much respect and admiration for those of you who have.  Thanks for listening. 

S 

Hey Shira:

I just got here myself and I am still confused but here is what I have figured out so far.  I am sure that others can add to this but I hope it is useful.

Best wishes,

Emma


1.   It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2.   It is not a choice.  It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3.   The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older.  It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4.   The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast.  Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand.  In most instances they do the complete opposite.   
6.   Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7.   You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8.   On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.

You nailed it Emma.  Thank you.

Hey Shira:

I just got here myself and I am still confused but here is what I have figured out so far.  I am sure that others can add to this but I hope it is useful.

Best wishes,

Emma


1.   It is a biological condition not a mental disorder.
2.   It is not a choice.  It is hardwired before birth and is then buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.
3.   The problem is that gender dysphoria does not go away as you get older.  It just gets stronger as those layers begin to wear away and the mental anguish it causes becomes unbearable.
4.   The irony with gender dysphoria is that it appears to worsen in direct proportion to the effort to fight it.
5.   Gender dysphoria makes the individual a social outcast.  Family and friends generally lack the capacity to support, help or understand.  In most instances they do the complete opposite.   
6.   Without an adequate outlet, gender dysphoria is a corrosive, emotional force with limited options.
7.   You spend years not understanding what's wrong with you but you always have a sense shame, discomfort and distress.
8.   On top of everything else, gender dysphoria places the entire weigh of guilt on your shoulders for something you didn't choose.
9.   You spend a lifetime in denial, making it impossible to explain it to your spouse when you finally understand.  If you don't tell you wife, you're a sneak and possibly a liar.  If you do tell you have selfishly destroyed her life.
10.   When you finally understand your gender dysphoria, it comes at a time when transitioning will have the greatest personal cost and destroy all that you have accomplished in a lifetime.
[/quote]

Glad it helped.  I learned al lot from everyone here. 

The biggest thing I have learned is that we are quietly everywhere.  Gender Dysphoria is so socially embarrassing that we bottle it up in fear of being rejected by everyone.  The shame makes us feel isolated and alone but I now realize that we are part of a larger community.

I am glad that Susan's Place exists to give us a sense of belonging.  It also gives us the ability to eliminate the shame that should not be our burden.  It is not our fault and we did not choose it.

Quote from: Emma1017 on August 31, 2018, 11:28:52 AMIt (Transgenerism) is a biological condition not a mental disorder.

^This. The difficulty is that many of the symptoms of Gender Dysphoria are common to cisgender guys who were sexually abused as children and the mind's ability to protect us from things too painful to remember. One in Six men are sexually abused; it is much more common reason for the symptoms than ->-bleeped-<-...particularly when there is a history of abuse. Therapy is vital to determine the underlying cause.

Thank you Virginia.  I wasn't aware of that.

Quote from: Virginia on August 31, 2018, 12:44:51 PM
^This. The difficulty is that many of the symptoms of Gender Dysphoria are common to cisgender guys who were sexually abused as children and the mind's ability to protect us from things too painful to remember. One in Six men are sexually abused; it is much more common reason for the symptoms than ->-bleeped-<-...particularly when there is a history of abuse. Therapy is vital to determine the underlying cause.

You are very welcome, Emma1017.
There is an excellent discussion group on the Male Survivor website at www.malesurvivor.org

I am a cisgender male survivor of childhood sexual and psychological abuse and developed Dissociative Identity/Multiple Personality Disorder (DID/MPD) to cope with the trauma. My Gender Therapist misdiagnosing me with Transgender Gender Dysphoria nearly cost my marriage and the life I'd spent 48 years building when my female alter became self aware in 2009. You can read more in my post, "Childhood Trauma Survivor Misdiagnosed as Transsexual with Gender Dysphoria" at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,176195.msg1548804.html#msg1548804

Hello Shira,
I have to tell you that I feel what you are going through because I am going through much the same thing. I need to transition and I feel this deeply to my soul but I love my wife so I will not do this without us discussing this. I have had many of the same dreams you have, I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to post it but I will say this now. I had a conversation with my wife one evening after we went to bed. I brought up how I feel inside and that I have had these dreams and she was in one the other night. I then described how she and I were having sex and we are both women. I then described how she was wearing a strap on and was thrusting into my vagina until I had an orgasm. I awoke to find that I had ejaculated in my sleep. It was the most erotic dream I had ever had.

It seems that we, gender dysporia or transgender people, have similar paths with similar experiences along the journey we take. As I sit here on my couch wearing my bra which fits my A cup natural breasts, my panties, my garter skirt, and my 4" heels I think that your journey had so many similarities to mine. I know just how you feel sister and I know that it was not easy to type what you did and neither was it easy for me but it was cathartic as you said. Thank you. TTFN

Danielle

Thanks Danielle.  It is really heartening to know there are others with similar feelings out there.  I often despise that I feel this way, that I have such unusual erotic fantasies.  So hard to make sense of it all. 

Quote from: Danielle Rose Fox on September 01, 2018, 02:50:18 PM
Hello Shira,
I have to tell you that I feel what you are going through because I am going through much the same thing. I need to transition and I feel this deeply to my soul but I love my wife so I will not do this without us discussing this. I have had many of the same dreams you have, I didn't have the intestinal fortitude to post it but I will say this now. I had a conversation with my wife one evening after we went to bed. I brought up how I feel inside and that I have had these dreams and she was in one the other night. I then described how she and I were having sex and we are both women. I then described how she was wearing a strap on and was thrusting into my vagina until I had an orgasm. I awoke to find that I had ejaculated in my sleep. It was the most erotic dream I had ever had.

It seems that we, gender dysporia or transgender people, have similar paths with similar experiences along the journey we take. As I sit here on my couch wearing my bra which fits my A cup natural breasts, my panties, my garter skirt, and my 4" heels I think that your journey had so many similarities to mine. I know just how you feel sister and I know that it was not easy to type what you did and neither was it easy for me but it was cathartic as you said. Thank you. TTFN

Danielle

Hi Shira,

Your story is similar to my own and I too had to weigh the need to transition against my social obligations and relationships. I asked myself those same questions: If I lived successfully as a man for 40 years, isn't that enough? Can't I just soldier through the next 40? It's not like dysphoria is a constant thing, there are times when I forget about it. But were there? Or does it always cloud my vision ever so slightly? I told myself, "I missed out on the fun part! I won't get to be a girl in her prime." But in the end, I came to understand that I just wasn't meant to be a guy no matter how well I did or didn't do it and living with dysphoria wasn't something I wanted to do any more. Ever since I've decreased testosterone and added estrogen, my mind has settled in a way I never thought it would. I just came from a family vacation in Florida, where I'm still very much stealth on the whole HRT thing, and for the first time, possibly ever, I felt comfortable at the pool in my boy trunks and a swim shirt. The need to wear a bikini or the desire, has transformed into a "when I have the body for it, I should get a swimsuit made for women because, well, that's what suits me now."

I'd never tell you to go the HRT route or not. I only hope in sharing my personal difficulties and progress you might be better equipped when you face down that decision square on.

In my case, as I have a dedicated wife and lovely kids, I gave up transitioning about 10 years ago, although the psychiatrist approved it. Nevertheless I wear miniskirt, dress, sometimes with high heel sandals for 365 days. I once considered voice feminization, but I gave up it too, as my kids like my low and soft voice. In summer, I sometimes wear bikini in beaches with my family. At international meetings abroad, people sometimes call me as female pronouns such as 'she'. I think there is a trade-off between my desire and my family. My kids like me, but they also think I am a kind of special dad. My wife has been very supportive of me.

barbie~~

Hi Elle,

Many thanks for sharing your story.  One quote in particular really resonated for me-

"If I lived successfully as a man for 40 years, isn't that enough? Can't I just soldier through the next 40? It's not like dysphoria is a constant thing, there are times when I forget about it. But were there? Or does it always cloud my vision ever so slightly?"   

I go about my day, everyday, and seemingly forget about it when I interact with different people.  But it is always there just beneath the surface, and increasingly more so daily. Do I really want to soldier on for another 40 years?  The answer is no, but I just don't see a way that would work for me in the near future. 

I once saw a therapist who suggested I consider going on a low, non-transition, dose of Estrogen.  Is that what you're on?  It was an exhilarating  idea when I heard it.  But I was too afraid that it would be too addictive for me and just become a pathway to a transition my heart wants desperately but my head tells me I can't have.
 
Anyway, it is good to know I am not alone with such feelings.  You're very courageous to take the steps you have already.  I hope it takes you where you want to be.

Cheers,

S
 
Hi Shira,

Your story is similar to my own and I too had to weigh the need to transition against my social obligations and relationships. I asked myself those same questions: If I lived successfully as a man for 40 years, isn't that enough? Can't I just soldier through the next 40? It's not like dysphoria is a constant thing, there are times when I forget about it. But were there? Or does it always cloud my vision ever so slightly? I told myself, "I missed out on the fun part! I won't get to be a girl in her prime." But in the end, I came to understand that I just wasn't meant to be a guy no matter how well I did or didn't do it and living with dysphoria wasn't something I wanted to do any more. Ever since I've decreased testosterone and added estrogen, my mind has settled in a way I never thought it would. I just came from a family vacation in Florida, where I'm still very much stealth on the whole HRT thing, and for the first time, possibly ever, I felt comfortable at the pool in my boy trunks and a swim shirt. The need to wear a bikini or the desire, has transformed into a "when I have the body for it, I should get a swimsuit made for women because, well, that's what suits me now."

I'd never tell you to go the HRT route or not. I only hope in sharing my personal difficulties and progress you might be better equipped when you face down that decision square on.
[/quote]

That's awesome Barbie.  You're lucky to have such an understanding wife and kids.  Although it is still a trade-off it sounds like you have a good outlet.  Thanks for sharing.

Cheers,

S


In my case, as I have a dedicated wife and lovely kids, I gave up transitioning about 10 years ago, although the psychiatrist approved it. Nevertheless I wear miniskirt, dress, sometimes with high heel sandals for 365 days. I once considered voice feminization, but I gave up it too, as my kids like my low and soft voice. In summer, I sometimes wear bikini in beaches with my family. At international meetings abroad, people sometimes call me as female pronouns such as 'she'. I think there is a trade-off between my desire and my family. My kids like me, but they also think I am a kind of special dad. My wife has been very supportive of me.

barbie~~
[/quote]

Shira,

I want to share something with you that I shared with Emma just recently. It's some very wise words from a beautiful souled transwoman that I met on another forum who friended me. We have had several discussions via messages and she has really good insight. She used these words to describe her decision process about what to do after she realized and affirmed her trans status through therapy. She was at a crossroads. Continue on pretending or be herself. This is what she said. I hope that you find something from this.

"Try to imagine walking into a room that is pitch black. All you can see is a single metal table with a box and a single light above it. In the box is an item that represents every single item that you have, have had, or ever will have in your entire life and one rolled up paper that simply says life on it. You are told by a voice. you can lay every item out on the table and walk away taking nothing but the empty box with the understanding that anyone at any time can take one of those items and you will lose it forever, but you will be happy the remainder of your days, OR you can take the box with the items and walk away now but never know true happiness and go on just surviving in the world with a hole right through your center. The lights come up and its in the middle of a busy New York city street. I made the choice to leave everything on the table. I think that made the gravity of what I had to face, what all that are trans have to face hit home for him. You have to be willing to lose everything and know that happiness for you is what you want. Yeah it may hurt others may disturb others, may totally upturn your very existence, but in the end it is an attempt to feel what those who are cis feel every day.... whole...happy, normal. That is a hard realization, but once you get to the point where you understand that you've chosen this path willingly does the rest matter? you've laid the items out on that table and walked away. In that there is some comfort, the hardest part is done. Sometimes we get to keep what we set on the table for a time, sometimes forever, sometimes we lose it right away, all we can do is be happy and try to see how long we get to keep these things"

Love and faith to you.

Gabrielle