Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone, I'm new here, my name is Julia I'm 32 and I'm from Italy. Didn't knew if I had to present myself in the presentation section but I'll do it Here. I started hrt at 18 and did my srs at 21, fully changed papers at 22. Accepting family and friends, always had boyfriends and lived happily as the girls I was supposed to be. I'm 170 cm tall, always passed without any major surgeries but I had my chin and jaw shaved by Bart last year. Never had problem find a job or to socialize, my ts friends describe me as the poster child for successful transition. All of this looks amazing on the outside, but inside, I'm broken. As broken as u will ever imagine. I had the luck of a body that perfectly match the one of a cis woman, the face bone structure was good, it got better with hrt and surgery, I have an high pitch voice since I was a child, small hands and a 7 shoes size. The bottom surgery went so well that no one of my boyfriends ever guessed. It looks like I'm bragging but I'm not, I'm trying to explain my situation.
I'm a fraud. I fell like I'm the biggest fraud of them all. Even tho I'm technically perfect as a woman, I feel as a woman, I fell like a carbon copy, a fake. I look at myself in the mirror and I still don't like what I see, I just see a men that pose as a women. This thoughts lead me to sex work, to gain money for surgeries I know I don't need, to chase a look that I know I can't have. Unrealistic expectations? Yeah. All I ever wanted was to be a normal girl, a cis woman. At 30 I started realising that I'm not, that I can't have children, that I will be a fraud for the rest of my life. I don't know how to escape from this hole, I can't accept what I am, I can't accept I'm a trans girl. So the suicidal thoughts began, the depression, the isolation.
The question is: do I have to accept of being a trans girl? How can I live a life feeling as a fake? When I'm near a real woman oh my god, I feel like a boy in a dress.
Thanks for any reply and sorry for the bad grammar.
Julia

Hi Julia, I can relate even though I'm a year into my medical transition. I always feel like a fraud. I also think about the things I'm doing for my own comfort and the things I do for other's approval. For instance, I don't love wearing makeup daily, but I do wear eyeliner, mascara and lip stick/gloss to give other people cues.
I do feel like I have to compromise a lot but I also was tired of being seen as a "man" with facial/body hair, rough skin, and stocky body... I couldn't shave, moisturize or diet enough to keep up with testosterone in my body.
Well, I identify as a trans woman still, but I think even as trans women we have to embrace androgyny. I see feminine features after a year on hrt, but I also accept that at least male development is stunted.
I know that probably doesn't come close to your experience. I still feel down and depressed and sometimes it's because I didn't transition sooner. A lot of the time I feel down and depressed because I wasn't born cis female in a very binary culture that defines a LOT about a person based on their sex/gender. There's life experience I can never have and only dream of. That feels like a huge loss and I think grieving is very normal.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Hey Allison, thanks for the reply, I know I'm not alone in this. It's a common topic being depressed as a trans girl, but feel like a fraud is consuming. I don't know how to quit sex work, the scariest part is that a pose af a cis woman with clients and every time I feel terrified and as I'm selling a freaking LIE. I don't want to do this anymore, I want to go back working in shops like I used to, but my mind tell me "no, u need the money for other surgeries". It's like I'm in a trap I can't escape from. I know I can have a normal regular life but it's like a demon inside me doesn't want me to...

I'm curious if you are stealth. If no one outside of your ts friends knows that you are trans then you may just be dealing with the fact that you are hiding a big part of yourself. One of the problems with stealth is that you are basically back in the closet again. That could be part of your issue.

Yeah, Ive always tried to live as stealth. Even tho during the years I disclosed my past to my closest friends, I have always had problems telling about myself with job collegue and boyfriends. When I date someone I always wait from 3 weeks to 3 months to tell them I'm trans. I don't like to be look at as a freak. It's too soul consuming to kept the secret, I should embrace what I am but I'm too ashamed. I don't want to be studied as soon as I disclose my past, like I'm an lab rat. I just don't know what to do, I know some fellow sister would kill to pass as I do, but in reality, it means nothing, u get more depressed cause u look like a real woman, but u re NOT.

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on September 30, 2018, 07:40:14 AM
I'm curious if you are stealth. If no one outside of your ts friends knows that you are trans then you may just be dealing with the fact that you are hiding a big part of yourself. One of the problems with stealth is that you are basically back in the closet again. That could be part of your issue.

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on September 30, 2018, 07:40:14 AM
I'm curious if you are stealth. If no one outside of your ts friends knows that you are trans then you may just be dealing with the fact that you are hiding a big part of yourself. One of the problems with stealth is that you are basically back in the closet again. That could be part of your issue.

@AnamethatstartswithE
You are absolutely correct....   I have personal experience to back that up.... 
...coming out and then going full-time are two of the most life-changing and life-liberating experiences that I have ever had.

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

My heart goes out to you, JungleJulia. You are not alone; learning to love oneself is a struggle many people face. The way we feel about ourself is deeply rooted in our childhood experiences and the way we were raised. This would be an excellent topic for therapy.

Quote from: JungleJulia on September 30, 2018, 06:43:32 AM
So the suicidal thoughts began, the depression, the isolation.
The question is: do I have to accept of being a trans girl?

IMO. Yes. Absolutely.  We are not cis women. We are transgender women. Nothing will ever change that.  To entertain any other ideas is akin to banging one's head against a brick wall. It accomplishes nothing and hurts like hell.  You can learn to love yourself.  The creator made you the way you are. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

There are five stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

You are definitely experiencing, bargaining, and depression.  It sounds like you are starting to get past denial and anger. You are making progress.  It takes time. 
Like all of us who experience a big loss we need to grieve what is lost to move forward.  Then we need to move on.

You can get to acceptance but it takes work and it takes honesty and it takes time.

I would suggest you touch base with your local transgender community and find a good real life support group.  I find it's very grounding to share experiences with other transgender women.  And it's a great reminder of who I really am.

I will likely never 100% physically a woman. I do know the 'fraud' feeling and how easily it can build. No matter what others see, you know in your deepest regions that you had to be 'made' into what you are rather than created.

It boils down to self-acceptance. At some level you have not accepted yourself. I haven't either. I feel it, but I know otherwise. Acceptance is a necessity.

It's hitting you harder due to longevity of not facing it. I wish that I had some magical words to make it all better, I don't. All I can do is commiserate.

Faith

I'm sitting here crying like a fool girls, every single words of yours hits me like a bullet. I've never accepted Julia. I'm 32 and 12 years after transition and still suffering. I spent all theese years trying to become something I'll never be. Maybe the fraud thing came from that, pretending to be a cis woman for over a decade. The struggle to be always perfect, always judging yourself and every step you take. The sex work worsened everything. The low self esteem, the obsession for money and beauty.
I would like to trying to live a normal accepting life. I don't want to pretend anymore, it consumed my soul. It's also fair to say that I ve developed a pain killer addiction due to escorting, it was the only way to numb the pain away. Men only seee me as a sex object, the fault is also mine, I've always tried to brough thing trough sex. I feel like a horrible human being, my cis friends are all supporting, loving, trying to let me know that I can have a regular life like the rest of the world, but I have this freaking voice inside my head that tells me U RE NOT ENOUGH.
I want to thank each one of u for the kind reply. 
Love

Julia

Accepting yourself is something that many people struggle with, both cis and trans.  It's also very easy to compare ourselves to others and set impossible standards for ourselves.  I've certainly struggled with those myself, but my transition story is a little different - maybe it can offer a little perspective if nothing else.

I grew up in a place with a lot of hate for the LGBT+ community, and I worried so much that I would never be accepted, or that I'd face violence or be fired or denied housing; because of all that baggage, despite thinking about transitioning since my late teens, it took me until my early 30s to reach a point were I finally did something about it.

I started transition knowing that there was a reasonable chance I would never pass, or be accepted by friends or family or coworkers.  I started transitioning because I'd reached a point where trying to live as a guy was so painful that I was thinking about suicide on a daily basis, and I almost went through with it a few times, so I figured transitioning couldn't possibly make things any worse.

Am I still a little disappointed and frustrated that I'm not a cis woman?  Absolutely!  Do I feel like a fake or a fraud or an imposter?  Occasionally on a particularly bad day, but not very often.  I'm not trying to be or impersonate some fictional cis version of myself or obsess over being stealth though - I'm just making whatever reasonable medical changes I need to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and whatever social changes I need to feel like I can be myself in public and have more genuine relationships with others.  In many ways, I feel like much less of a fraud now than I did before I started transitioning.

Quote from: Faith on September 30, 2018, 10:29:37 AM


It boils down to self-acceptance. At some level you have not accepted yourself. ... Acceptance is a necessity.

Truer words have never been shared in this forum...

I think those words are true for every human. They are just harder when one's perception is out of the supposed norm...

Kate

Quote from: JungleJulia on September 30, 2018, 12:38:50 PM
I'm sitting here crying like a fool girls, every single words of yours hits me like a bullet. I've never accepted Julia. I'm 32 and 12 years after transition and still suffering. I spent all theese years trying to become something I'll never be. Maybe the fraud thing came from that, pretending to be a cis woman for over a decade.

I come at this from a different perspective...

First you don't owe anyone one except a spouse (or a spouse to be) your medical history... AS LONG AS you are being yourself.

It's one thing if you are not being yourself in some way SO THAT OTHERS EXPERIENCE YOU as a gg, that is indeed being fake... But if you are being yourself behaviorally and emotionally, even if you don't tell you are neither faking nor lying.

So how are you living your life? Do you think about acting a certain way to be seen as gg or are you just being yourself.  If not just being yourself you need to ask yourself why...

After 12 years of stealth if you just have let yourself be yourself you should be pretty much resocialized as a woman...

To be stealth I think one not only has to pass very well to others but one needs to accept oneself warts and all as woman ...

Remember not all ggs can have children...

For someone like you it really depends on how you see yourself and how much you can live in the present and concentrate your similarities to other women rather than dwell on your  differences from them.

While it seems to be a minority opinion here, I think the vast majority of TSes would rather be mostly stealth (I think we all need few people who know in our lives) but many of us can't do it for various reasons.

I mean who (and particularly if still relatively young) wants having had to change sex define us for the rest offer lives? Yes it happens and many have to deal with that... but in the long run I think most would rather just be able to get on with a relatively normal life both socially and professionally.

But if you truly don't see yourself as woman, and particularly if that goes deeper than insecurity, then stealth is definitely wrong for you...

But before you do anything irreversible... maybe seeing a gender therapist who does not advocate either out or stealth to work through your feeling and what you want /need might be in order.

I'm 20 years post-op. I'm not stealth because my situation never allowed it, but i really wish this was not still as big as part of my life as it is, because I am not stealth.

- Karen

Quote from: Karen_A on September 30, 2018, 02:54:26 PM
I'm 20 years post-op. I'm not stealth because my situation never allowed it, but i really wish this was not still as big as part of my life as it is, because I am not stealth.

- Karen

By "this" do you mean being trans?

Julia, I'm sorry sex work has made you feel down on yourself. Trust me, I know when men approach me, make sexual comments or show interest and expect me to recipocrate, I know how disgusting it makes me feel. It warps my mind to think "I lost my power" or "I'm seen as an object". These thoughts linger a bit for me even, and I've never done sex work (though I've been offered and had a "friend" mention what kind of money I can make).

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need a way out of sex work and to help yourself. You said so yourself, now please try to do what is best for you. I'm not saying anything is wrong with sex work, but if you're continually saying it's damaging to you and making you feel like the devil has a hold on you...then that's a huge red flag.
You're not alone in this, there are many young women who publically speak about their difficulties with sex work.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Yeah, I do thing stealth it's not for me anymore. I'm comfortable in my skin, I like how I look and I like what I see in the mirror, I just don't like to pretend to be a cis woman. I'm not. I've always argued with my therapist when I was a teenager when he used to tell me that the first thing to do is accept myself. I used to tell him "no, I will never accept this, I'm going to be the real deal", and even after years of therapy, that though stayed with me. I just wanted to be "normal". U know the feeling right? So the years passed by, and u never really accept that u re born in a boy body. But I don't wanna spent the rest of my life like this, it's really hurtful.
U know, I just wish I could love myself for what I am. See the luck that I had with my family and my body instead of thinking I'm just a fake. Maybe that's just what 12 years of living stealth do to your mind.
All of your stories really made me feel less alone. I know I'm not alone, I just should have more ts friends. I just have 2, both sex worker and both in denial. The rest are all cis women and men.
I will look for ts support group in my area for sure.

Quote from: Allison S on September 30, 2018, 03:34:19 PM

By "this" do you mean being trans?

Not being able to be stealth... In other words being known to be trans... It colors things in a lot of people's perception of you even when they like and "accept" you.

BTW i did not want to comment on teh sex work... i would think that could (but not always) result in self esteem issues.

- karen

Quote from: Lisa on September 30, 2018, 02:35:35 PM
Accepting yourself is something that many people struggle with, both cis and trans.  It's also very easy to compare ourselves to others and set impossible standards for ourselves.  I've certainly struggled with those myself, but my transition story is a little different - maybe it can offer a little perspective if nothing else.

I grew up in a place with a lot of hate for the LGBT+ community, and I worried so much that I would never be accepted, or that I'd face violence or be fired or denied housing; because of all that baggage, despite thinking about transitioning since my late teens, it took me until my early 30s to reach a point were I finally did something about it.

I started transition knowing that there was a reasonable chance I would never pass, or be accepted by friends or family or coworkers.  I started transitioning because I'd reached a point where trying to live as a guy was so painful that I was thinking about suicide on a daily basis, and I almost went through with it a few times, so I figured transitioning couldn't possibly make things any worse.

Am I still a little disappointed and frustrated that I'm not a cis woman?  Absolutely!  Do I feel like a fake or a fraud or an imposter?  Occasionally on a particularly bad day, but not very often.  I'm not trying to be or impersonate some fictional cis version of myself or obsess over being stealth though - I'm just making whatever reasonable medical changes I need to feel more comfortable in my own skin, and whatever social changes I need to feel like I can be myself in public and have more genuine relationships with others.  In many ways, I feel like much less of a fraud now than I did before I started transitioning.

Wow, all of this. U really made a good point. I'm sorry for your hard background but I'm happy to read that now u re in peace with yourself. I envy u, really. Thank u so much for your share, it put a smile on my face. We just have to love ourself

Julia,
   Life is about making adjustments. We transition to what we think will make us happy. If it doesn't, it becomes time to transition again even if that means just tweaking things a bit. We have to mentally realize sometimes that the original plan must be changed. I would ask you if you are a person who hurts others? Are you essentially a good person? If the answer is yes, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. No one has any right to judge you for being in the sex trade. No one has the right to judge you as a person for being trans. Rebuild the things you don't like in your life. The physical things are a distraction in your case. Start being honest with yourself about what you want to change. Take the steps you need to and leave the guilt behind. It is counterproductive. Accept yourself as a person and the trans part of that person will become less important. Build your life with supportive people who you can be yourself with. I'm betting the real you is pretty cool. You have some pretty cool people telling you some good advice above. Just my 2 cents!
Moni

So here is a bit of perspective from someone who transitioned around the same age as you did. I had my srs at 23, almost 50 years ago. Like you, l was quite attractive and found myself working as a very well remunerated stripper. Unlike you, l made a very conscious decision to not engage in sexual acts for money. Fortunately for me, that was one of the cardinal, unbreakable rules of the agency that employed me. It was also a matter of self esteem and self worth. Sex with a man was something very,  very special for me. In addition to all the pain l had to endure to realize that dream, for me it really was something of a miracle.
One of the things that was made very clear to me in those times when it was being determined that srs was the correct path for me, was the very clear understanding that l would never,  ever be "the same as" a "real" natally born female.
So. Would l have any advise for you? No. I am sorry. This is something you will have to resolve for yourself. One thing that might be helpful is to be perfectly honest with yourself  as to what your situation actually is.
It sounds that you are still attractive and you seem to have enough money to take well enough care of yourself.
Short of what you describe as a seemingly pathological need for an endless series of cosmetic surgery you seem reasonably well balanced.  Why not take  a step back and try to figure out where you want to be in 5, 10 years. ...And how to get there.

Hi Julia,

Another long-time post-op here (15 years and counting).  Like many of us, there are times were I am unhappy that:

A.  It took me until age 40 to have my SRS - believe me, I did try doing it at a younger age - I told my parents in 1978 at Age 15 that I was really their daughter (it did NOT go well - they fought me about it until literally weeks before my SRS), and trying to transition at the university in the 1980s was depressing to say the least - there were NO TRANSITIONING resources at the time.  It took me 5 years after I started transitioning in 1998 at age 35, to scrape up enough money for SRS.  It would have been easier to get married at a younger age (and possibly adopt children to have a family), but hey that's all water under the bridge. 

B.  I wish I could have been able to get pregnant, and have children.  Well, that's not possible, and even if it becomes possible in say 10 or 15 years, it is a moot point.  I am already 55, and I would be in my 60s or 70s - way too old to have children.

C.  Like many of us, I wish I looked better - but then again so do many cis-women.  We can't all look like supermodels (though my mom thinks I am an attractive woman, and I've always had passing privilege).

Despite the three things I mentioned, I have NO REGRETS about transitioning.  I was in a very bad place in 1998, when despite not having enough money to see things through to SRS, I decided to transition.  It had literally become a case of life and death for me.  I was suicidal most of the time (I did some very dangerous things that could get you killed, because I didn't care if I lived or died, and used to run along the shore of Lake Michigan when I was feeling very low, with the express intent of taking off my running shoes if the emotional distress got worse, and taking a one way swim in The Lake [I almost did it several times]), and probably would have been dead by 2000.

I also have absolutely no regrets about having SRS - I was definitely NOT a non-op (I used to cry if I saw my male genitals in the vanity mirror, when I got out of the tub from a bath).  In 2002, when I ran out of money, due to taking a huge cut in pay because of corporate downsizing, and it was looking like my worst fear (that I would end up permanently stuck as a pre-op, due to a lack of funds) was coming true, I came the closest I ever came to suicide.  I started wading into Lake Michigan for that one-way swim.  To this day, I don't know why I didn't do it.  I remember standing at the water's edge for well over a half hour crying my heart out - I must have found some inner strength I didn't know I had, that kept me from making my suicide attempt successful.  Luckily a year later, the situation improved enough, where by working very hard, and scrimping and saving every penny, I was able to have SRS.  As far as I'm concerned, SRS was a lifesaver for me.

Julia, there is nothing wrong with being stealth of that is what you really want (after being out and proud in my last job, I went stealth back in 2004 [when I started my present job], due to getting tired of being known as "the person who had a sex change", who was constantly outed at work by people, who felt it was their "duty" to tell everybody what I did).  The thing is though, I always told myself, that I would remain true to myself.  I may not be butch, but I'm definitely not girly-girl, and was not about to be that way, just because I thought it "would help me pass or fit in better in society, or validate me as a woman."  Sorry, I was not about to be forced once again (like I was forced to live as a man) to be someone I am not, and self validation has never worked for me (I find it to be an empty endeavor for myself).  So yes, I ride motorcycles (I have a BMW R1200R naked sportbike), and yes I play guitar (both acoustic and electric), and yes I kept my amateur radio license - they are all aspects of me (along with my love for reading).  Many women do those things (as a mater of fact, I have talked to quite a few of them).  Are you being true to yourself Julia?

Just some food for thought, and just my opinion - Ellen

Hi Julia,
Your message struck a chord with me.
I cannot judge you, only you know yourself well.
My own perception- more than often I try to pace ourselves with cis-woman and often there is this inferior complex that hovers around telling me that I cannot be like them, unable to match up to the real woman in terms of the mannerism, yes a big part of my past was missing as a woman. Perhaps living 20odd years as a man and transitioning, the womanhood is not complete and there is a GAP that I need to live with.
How I overcome, I focus on the lifestyle and people around me instead of reminiscing of the past missing chapter of being a female. It cant be help, its life, we just have to accept it. But that missing chapter is not bad, it has taught me in many ways resilience and learning as well as accepting how the flaws can be better overcome.
You cant change the past, its there. Life is not about being born a woman but instead learning how to be a proper human being.

Yikes there's a lot of choice words in your post that worry me.

Fraud and many other choice verbs that CIS Women use to discriminate against Transwomen.  I don't think I've ever heard any other Transperson much less a TS say such horrible things about themselves.  Even when depressed.  I'm actually worried about your post influencing others on this forum about their own transition.

If all of what you wrote is absolutely true then it certainly seems that you did not receive the proper psychiatric evaluations and therapy you needed prior to the SRS.  Most of these issues are worked out way before a surgeon even talks to you.  Although I do realize that many Surgeons now perform without a shred of psychiatric letters.

I transitioned in 1989 with my SRS in 1992.  I too never experienced issues with my transition because I was so young and small.  I'm very grateful for that everyday.  That being said, due to my intense psycho-therapy, never once did I have any regrets about my SRS. 

It gave me life if anything.

Quote from: GoneGrl on November 24, 2018, 05:00:01 PM
Yikes there's a lot of choice words in your post that worry me.

Fraud and many other choice verbs that CIS Women use to discriminate against Transwomen.  I don't think I've ever heard any other Transperson much less a TS say such horrible things about themselves.  Even when depressed.  I'm actually worried about your post influencing others on this forum about their own transition.

If all of what you wrote is absolutely true then it certainly seems that you did not receive the proper psychiatric evaluations and therapy you needed prior to the SRS.  Most of these issues are worked out way before a surgeon even talks to you.  Although I do realize that many Surgeons now perform without a shred of psychiatric letters.

I transitioned in 1989 with my SRS in 1992.  I too never experienced issues with my transition because I was so young and small.  I'm very grateful for that everyday.  That being said, due to my intense psycho-therapy, never once did I have any regrets about my SRS. 

It gave me life if anything.

I feel the opposite of what you mentioned here. I think if someone is seriously considering transitioning and reads, then it's still up to them whether they transition or not. I don't think the OP should be held responsible for "desuading" others, because that's just not true. Being transgender women, we should know that. I agree a lot needs to be considered and thought about before taking the plunge to "transition", but we also need to allow others to vent if their feelings change.

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Julia - We are on opposite ends of the spectrum. I am an openly transwoman that does not pass often (sometimes ) but I have no FFS I am tall and broad shouldered and have a distinctly male nose.  It's pretty obvious that I am trans.

I am going to get to your point momentarily.

When I first started transitioning 2 & 1/2 years ago I planned on doing FFS but the finance fell through.  I decided to transition anyway.  I had an orchiectomy and all my documentation says I am legally female.  But I only feel female on paper.  Other than my testicles being removed and small breast growth I still look male.  My hair is real but plenty of men have long hair.

Here is when I address your situation ....

I still have some body dysphoria and wish I was you or even better cis - but that dysphoria is far less than it used to be.  The reason is the work I did with my therapist.  She told me that she has patients similar to you that are very passable but feel as though they are living a lie.

She helped me understand that regardless of how pretty we are or not, how passable we are or not, how many surgeries we have or not - the first thing we have to do is learn to accept ourselves as transgender.

We should not be ashamed of who we are - but we are sometimes - because we have been conditioned by society through humor, television, movies and comedians etc that we are to be laughed at.   We are brave people living our truth.  It took me a very long time to get to this place and I still have more growing to do but I am well down the path to accepting myself - an openly transgender woman.

I understand that some people want to live as stealth and that is certainly their right to do so.  And to be honest I wish I had the ability to but I am in some ways grateful that I can't live as stealth because I had to learn to be OK with myself and being transgender.  And now I am proud.

My suggestion would be to find a good transgender therapist that feels like a good fit for you and do this process in reverse.  You already have the face and body - now you just need the mind.

Best Wishes - I hope you find peace.
Kim

@Kim,
I never like +1 responses, but that was a spectacular response, full of wisdom...

Beautiful, as well...

Kate

I will also +1 the "find a therapist who is a match for you at the moment", but I will suggest first doing a 1 week (or whatever time works for you!!!) experiment with yourself.

At night , just before you go to bed for sleep, sit for a moment or two and ask yourself "what you want". Write down your first thoughts, but limited to only a few words for each thought, and I suggest to keep the list short - of no more than 5 or so items.  Then reread the list and think about it for a minute or less. Ask for understanding (from your spirit guides or whatever feels "right" at the moment). Then let it all go, off to sleep.

The next night, flip to a new blank page and do the same thing.
Maybe by the third night you will want to reflect by rereading the first 2 pages, but only if you wish to.

I often ask for understanding about something just before going to bed. It seems to help me on my path. Perhaps it will help you.  Be well! Hugs if okay.

I know this was posted a few months ago, but after reading your story, my husband encouraged me to make an account and post.  I am in an incredibly similar situation, I had surgery 10 years ago, and was 21 when I moved away from home to a new place where no one knew my past.  You didn't say if you were in a position to do any type of therapy, but if possible I would highly recommend it, I have been doing EDM and it has been making a huge difference in my life.  I used to cry at least weekly on my way to work in the car because I felt like an ugly fraud who would have been better off dying during surgery, and most of the time I don't wear any makeup or anything else overtly feminine as it feels like I am putting on a false pretense of who I am. 

That has been changing for me, I'm starting to feel good and actually kinda proud of myself for the first time in my life.  But I wanted to reach out to you and let you know things can and will get better.  If you think it would help to directly message me please feel free, I can't since I don't have the 15 posts and honestly don't want to flood the boards with unneeded postings just to say that your not alone.  Transitioning was the hardest thing I've ever done, I just wanted to be a normal girl, and its scary to realize that even after being "all grown up" your still trans and it didn't just fade away like you thought it would.  But you and I are both women who deserve to feel good about who we are.

Yes you are a transwoman and always be one, no matter how perfect you look. We have a saying where I live "When life gives you lemons you make lemonade". If you spend all your time thinking about the fact that you are a TS person then you are letting it rule your life. Instead branch out and find new things to do with your life. Try new things and put yourself out of your comfort zone.

Quote from: Tinane on February 22, 2019, 12:09:16 AM
I know this was posted a few months ago, but after reading your story, my husband encouraged me to make an account and post.  I am in an incredibly similar situation, I had surgery 10 years ago, and was 21 when I moved away from home to a new place where no one knew my past.  You didn't say if you were in a position to do any type of therapy, but if possible I would highly recommend it, I have been doing EDM and it has been making a huge difference in my life.  I used to cry at least weekly on my way to work in the car because I felt like an ugly fraud who would have been better off dying during surgery, and most of the time I don't wear any makeup or anything else overtly feminine as it feels like I am putting on a false pretense of who I am. 

That has been changing for me, I'm starting to feel good and actually kinda proud of myself for the first time in my life.  But I wanted to reach out to you and let you know things can and will get better.  If you think it would help to directly message me please feel free, I can't since I don't have the 15 posts and honestly don't want to flood the boards with unneeded postings just to say that your not alone.  Transitioning was the hardest thing I've ever done, I just wanted to be a normal girl, and its scary to realize that even after being "all grown up" your still trans and it didn't just fade away like you thought it would.  But you and I are both women who deserve to feel good about who we are.

Yes def to EMDR, if that's what you mean - an easy way to break up old tensions and feelings - the simple act of shifting eyes/tapping palms etc every sec or so helps tons, followed by a little Jacobson relaxation to integrate it and just feel good. Just repeat as necessary! I had forgotten that - thanks!!! :) That makes me think I that there's probably something on youtube that would help you get started with that - they seem to have everything including energy transmission or shaktipat. :)

Quote from: Tinane on February 22, 2019, 12:09:16 AM
I know this was posted a few months ago, but after reading your story, my husband encouraged me to make an account and post.  I am in an incredibly similar situation, I had surgery 10 years ago, and was 21 when I moved away from home to a new place where no one knew my past.  You didn't say if you were in a position to do any type of therapy, but if possible I would highly recommend it, I have been doing EDM and it has been making a huge difference in my life.  I used to cry at least weekly on my way to work in the car because I felt like an ugly fraud who would have been better off dying during surgery, and most of the time I don't wear any makeup or anything else overtly feminine as it feels like I am putting on a false pretense of who I am. 

That has been changing for me, I'm starting to feel good and actually kinda proud of myself for the first time in my life.  But I wanted to reach out to you and let you know things can and will get better.  If you think it would help to directly message me please feel free, I can't since I don't have the 15 posts and honestly don't want to flood the boards with unneeded postings just to say that your not alone.  Transitioning was the hardest thing I've ever done, I just wanted to be a normal girl, and its scary to realize that even after being "all grown up" your still trans and it didn't just fade away like you thought it would.  But you and I are both women who deserve to feel good about who we are.

@Tinane ane
Dear Tinane:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and this is your very first posting.   I am happy to see that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)	Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)

@Tinane   
Oh, and another thing Tinane...
Please plan to write a post and tell us more about yourself in the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can pursue answers to your questions.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

You know something that is extremely normal and not mentioned.  The idea of having a child as a woman, not only as a trans woman but just being a woman period.  Usually around the age of 30 your mind and body sort of give you the push that if you havn't you probably should have a child. 

Its a feeling, or even a depression cis gendered woman deal with.  EVEN DESPITE BEING capable of doing so.  Your internal clock seems to be right on the money, and i've also had some instances where despite not wanting children my mind being like "why yu have no children" xD  which sometimes results in me being a little depressed that I don't have the option.

Thats not to say its a feeling everyone will have and pick up on, and if you don't it doesn't make you any less.  But the biological clock can be mother natures greatest bitch.

I can somewhat relate to you.

When I first started transitioning I thought about going stealth. I was lucky to be small framed and to always have retained a high pitched voice.

I started HRT and I felt more comfortable in my own skin and I started loving myself more and more but as time got on I started to realise that hiding that I'm trans for the outside world felt lonely as well.

So I started to be more open about being trans and honestly, it felt like a relief. Not having to hide something felt liberating.

I mention it on dating profiles that I am trans for my own safety.

I mention it to coworkers, friends,... to be open and truthful about my journey and my life.

There was a weight that fell of my shoulders when I started to disclose that I'm trans, rather than to try to be stealth.

I have made peace with the fact that I will never be cis, no matter what I do.
Part of this is also why I don't want SRS.

The more I was open about it, the more people started to accept me because I was honest and open about my identity and my journey.

Luv
Debby

Greetings and hopefully hello to JungleJulia.
I am grateful for your original post Julia, and all of those who have written in addition to this post.
It has struck a chord with me as well as it may have with others.
To start, I read your post Julia and sympathize with you about your situation back in Sept, hopefully that has past for you now.
We come into this world when as newborn with no idea about our future or our life to be. In our present time in the history of humanity we have made unbelievable gains in technology and science, to be able to change ourselves to become as we feel inside and present to the outside world as we wish. It is astounding what we can do if we want to. It sounds to me by your post you are gorgeous, fully passable and with out a doubt a woman in every sense except for one aspect. To me you are no fake, no less a woman than any other cis female whatsoever.
Some thoughts, is a cis female who has had cancer and can not give birth a fake or any less a female because of her disease?
Is a person any less of person no matter what binary gender they are, a fake or less of a person if they were to have a missing limb or body part?
We all have a reality in which we live, ours as a Transgender persons who may have fully transitioned are a miracle of our generation. At no other time in our history have people been able change or present whatever gender they feel they are. Granted there are limitations to where live, access to the treatments, therapists and all the items we do in order to complete that journey. We are not at a point yet to sign up for transplants to allow ourselves to give birth, it may be down the road or not, depending on societies envolvement. If you think about all those people who have lived before us who did not even have a thought about gender difference outside of their survival needs, the people who who were marched into war never knowing they were transgendered or gay or different because they did not survive. We are now at a point in life where we can know the difference, know what is possible and know what is not. This is our reality in the now.
The reason why this post has struck a cord with me is, to me it is about acceptance, acceptance of our reality, of self, before we can even start this journey, to know we are transgendered, to know that no matter how much work and correction we can do we will never be able to obtain that one item of a cis gendered females ability. It made me realize that I have for so long have not accepted myself as different, only when I have accepted myself have I been more happy and alive. I have now also not given into what other people think of me, I do not need the criticisms for not being enough of any one item as a human being. The fact that I am here now and breath and see all aspects of life is a most wonderful gift, to be able to present as I feel even though I will modify my looks to be more feminine that will be that much more of a gift. The core qualities of living are to love, be loved, to be acknowledged and accepted for who you are as a person. There are many of us who fret about not finding those qualities in self and and or another person who can validate us. It is possible and those who wish will find a person that accepts those qualities we have about ourselves. The biggest one for me and many folks is the "Acceptance" of self and the reality in which each of us live. In the world there are many women of all shapes and sizes and features who are not able have some aspect of the human experience or they may have it all. The point being, the fact we are alive and able experience life for what it offers us is an individual journey and for us and no one else. If we need to mother we can find many kids who do not have a mother or parents which we may be able to adopt. We can love another human being to give that sense of mothering. Given our reality that is presently as much as anyone can do in our community. Your wish to be able work in shops and other lines of work is really a personal choice. We have chosen to deal with ->-bleeped-<- by transitioning, I can only think that is the hardest journey to complete, the fact that we want to do something about it and be successful in doing so is no minor feat. To change a job and do what you wish can only be an individual move, and we have done bigger ones to get ourselves to where you/we are today. This by the way is no point of criticism but merely encouragement to seek what ever your heart desires, and we have the best possible chances of doing in our day in age.  Never give up!
And never give up on yourself, you have already done the hardest part of your journey.
End thought, "Our acceptance of ourselves and our reality is directly related to the fulfillment and happiness we will get in our lives", so many people before us have never had the chance or to know or even have a try.
This post has made me realize that I took 55 years to accept my self, another 5 years to start doing something about it and to remind myself that my acceptance will allow me to be who I am without guilt and or shame. No one can take that away from me or any of us.
You have a full life ahead of you as the person you wished to be, you are no fake or less of a person because of what can not do. Think of all the things you can do, many of us are envious of where you are at in your journey, our journeys are different and they belong to us. Be proud of what you have accomplished and show the world you as a beautiful woman as any other female has done before us.
Geez that is a thought hey! 
Liina