Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So, Oct 30th 2018 will be my 6th month mark on low dose HRT. I have an appointment schedule for the 23rd to talk to my doctor. I have decided I want to go full transition dosage. The only thing I'm dreading is a higher dose of Spiro as I do not like the side effects. (US based, she tells me there's nothing else she prescribes as an anti androgen). I did read someone else's thread about injectable E being available again so I may ask her about it.

A couple of things I want to note for myself about HRT so far:

After about 2 months my nipples became tender. Clothes rubbing on them doesn't seem to make it worse but if i bump them.. ouch! My breasts seem to fuller. I had man boobs to begin with but they seem to be filling out a little. Even my boss knows. She's my ex GF and I'm out to her.

I just recently noticed that after shaving my stomach and chest hair is growing back more sparse. I seem to have some bald patches. I think I'll try waxing to see if that helps speed up the process. I hate body hair. Facial hair and body hair grow much slower.

My labido has diminished but my function has not. If I seem to go through periods of intense horniness (usually for a day or two at most) then nothing at all for a few weeks.

No change noticed in my mail pattern baldness. I'm going to ask for a fenasteride  prescription on the 23rd.

I painted my toe nails pink yesterday. I found a bit brighter pink so I'm repainting them tonight.

My skin definitely seems softer. Even without pampering it.

No cat redistribution yet but I know that can take years and probably needs a higher HRT dose to be noticable.

Mood seems to have mellowed considerably. I'm not depressed and in a funk all the time. I don't get irritable as quickly as I did previously. I can still irritated though, mostly at my boss because of her work ethic.

Overall I'm happy with the subtle changes so far. I'm looking forward to this journey. I'm not sure how HRT can do for me but I'm excited to see. I've also become more dysphoric about my testicles. I'm fine with my penis which strikes me as odd, but maybe that will change. I mean, if someone said to me today, "I'd like to pay for GCS". I would jump at the opportunity. But having the penis doesn't cause me the dysphoria that my testes do.

Anyway, that's my 6th month update or 5.5 if you want to be specific.

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Edit: I've lost 20 pounds since starting on April 30th 2018. My intention is to lose at least 90 more. That would put me around 165lbs but I'm taking what I can get and I'm happy about it!

I didn't like Spiro one bit. The orchiectomy solved that problem, and I'm loving the look, feel, and clothing fit of having a penis but no testicles.

Hugs, Devlyn

@Melinda@heart
Dear Melinda:   ... or do your prefer to be addressed as Mindy? ???
I am so very glad to see that you have started your thread that will not only allow you do document your HRT journey but also to permit your thread's readers to go along with you in your exciting transition journey.

At the 6 month point in HRT, as you noted, you are experiencing more and more exciting changes more quickly now.
What you denoted in you first post on your thread here, are all the things that sound quite normal with 6 months of a HRT regimen.

As you have probably read on the various threads here on the forums, HRT does not work exactly the same for every one.  It is all up to your unique body and your unique genes.  For some, they will experience more significant changes more quickly and for others they may experience less significant changes more slowly.

The adage that we say around the forums is "YMMV" meaning that Your Milage May Vary .... so Patience is required for sure. Nothing happens very quickly with HRT but changes WILL HAPPEN.

Thank you for sharing your experinces on your thread with all of us.   In your successes we will rejoice with you and with your frustrations and disappointments we are here to lend an ear and a shoulder to lean on.

I will be eagerly looking for your updates as you feel so led to post them.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Devlyn,

I have been seriously contemplating having them removed. I'm sure tucking is so much better without them! I can't seem to get mine to stay up in there. It's annoying.

Danielle,

I'm really becoming partial to Mindy. My friend Amy likes to call me that and I rather like it. You can call me which ever you like better. Trust me, I've been called worse things. [emoji44]

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Hello Melinda

Thank you for your 6 month update. My 8 month update/record is also here on HRT Board on page 2.

I think we have a few things in common. Certainly I hate body hair more than genitalia - the latter I hate also but the former gives me the greater dysphoria. Incidentally I also paint my toenails but I prefer red.

It is wonderful to read you are making such progress emotionally and physically. I assume that on Oct 23rd you will have your blood checked.

I wish you every happiness as your continue your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

So, I went shoe shopping today. I wanted something cute to wear around the house. The last time I purchased women's shoes I bought a size 12 and they were way too tight. So today I bought a size 12w, but when I got home and tried them on on they were way too big. My left foot was at least 1/2 a size smaller than the shoe. The right was slightly smaller but both were too wide. It distressed me a great deal. I started thinking I'll never make it as a woman. This is a mistake. Blah blah. Then I told myself, No! I grabbed the shoes, took them back to the store and told the clerk (who was very sweet) the problem. She took me over to the 11s and I tried on an 11w and it fit perfectly. Then we tried on a few pair of regular width 12s and they fit pretty good.

I'm amazed that apparently HRT has caused some my feet to shrink some. Is this typical? Has anyone else experienced this?

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Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 12, 2018, 03:44:53 PM
> I'm amazed that apparently HRT has caused some my feet to shrink some. Is this typical? Has anyone else experienced this?

This has definitely happened to some of us.  I started MTF HRT 15 months ago and dropped one shoe size.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240318.0.html

Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 12, 2018, 03:44:53 PM
I'm amazed that apparently HRT has caused some my feet to shrink some. Is this typical? Has anyone else experienced this?
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Quote from: Kendra on October 12, 2018, 06:27:15 PM
This has definitely happened to some of us.  I started MTF HRT 15 months ago and dropped one shoe size.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240318.0.html

@Melinda@heart    cc: @Kendra
I had exactly the same experience.... my shoe size dropped a full size and in some shoes 1 1/2 sizes.
Also, lost an inch of height to just below 5'4".... 

Thank you again for starting your thread that you can post and share with us about your journey!!!
Hugs,
Danielle

Yes Melinda I am one of those girls in Kendra's attachment who was/is most surprised to witness foot size especially width reduction.

Hugs

Pamela

This makes me soooooo happy! Hopefully I can go down one more size. That size range is much more affordable and they have so many cute choices!

I decided to include a pic of the shoes I bought.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181013/912921b37a86efac27f64ebb1afef246.jpg)

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Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 13, 2018, 09:16:18 AM
This makes me soooooo happy! Hopefully I can go down one more size. That size range is much more affordable and they have so many cute choices!

I decided to include a pic of the shoes I bought.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181013/912921b37a86efac27f64ebb1afef246.jpg)

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You are so lucky Mindy!  I struggle finding cute shoes that fit.
The wide range of sizing between manufacturers makes it tough.
Sometimes 11's fit, but sometimes they are 13's!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy:
Very cute shoes... I love the little bow in the front... and the White color is so compatible with many outfits and occasions that you dress up for.   

I like the open-toe styles myself, it allows us to show off our polished toe nails.  Your legs are looking very good too!
Unfortunately now that winter weather, rain, and soon more snow is starting to arrive, the open-toe styles are usually not well-suited.

For sure, once women's shoe sizes get much larger than size 10 or 11 it becomes more difficult to find the cute styles and wide selections.   My shoe size went down from a size 9 (women's) now to a size 8 or even a 7 1/2 in some shoes.

This is really great news for you, I am trusting that there are many more good things to come for you in your HRT journey.

Thank you for sharing and posting.
Hugs,
Danielle

I'm glad you took those shows back and got the right size.  They look so nice!  And you have great looking legs too!
Judi

Thank you ladies for the compliments!

I was looking at my dresser this morning and decided it wasn't looking very lady like. Lot of man stuff mixed in with my girly stuff. Time for a clean up!(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181014/17b0b11798d7c3116c12bc7cfcd60462.jpg)

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Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 14, 2018, 08:06:28 AM
Thank you ladies for the compliments!

I was looking at my dresser this morning and decided it wasn't looking very lady like. Lot of man stuff mixed in with my girly stuff. Time for a clean up!(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181014/17b0b11798d7c3116c12bc7cfcd60462.jpg)

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@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy:
Yes, time to clean it all out.  Congratulations for coming to that point in your life.
There is a time for all transitioners to do the very same things in all the areas of their life.
Once I became full-time I got rid of everything male... clothing, shoes, underwear, cosmetic items, bathing items and accessories, jewelery ... everything!   There is no way to go back to male-mode especially with the way I look with the help of HRT and other procedures.   It is so affirming now to step out of the shower and look in the mirror and see a blonde blue eyed woman... hair a mess and no make up...
....  but a woman and for sure... "Happiness!!!"

Things will just keep getting better and better for you as you continue in your journey...
I will be checking on your thread and your progress as you keep on keeping on.
Best Wishes and Hugs,
Danielle
   

Danielle,

You're just wonderful! Thank you for being so uplifting and encouraging. I see why you have so many suitors now! Also, love the profile picture of your painted toes!

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Just got done seeing my therapist. We spoke about the lack of resources for transgender people here in my area. I told her I had the desire to help other transgender people like myself and that it would be nice if we had a place to go to meet and get to know other transgender people. She said, well, maybe you should make a place.... That really got me thinking about it. Maybe I could a Go Fund me page rp get donations to buy some place and make it a safe place for others to come visit and be themselves. Anyone have ideas?

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Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 17, 2018, 09:36:38 AM
Just got done seeing my therapist. We spoke about the lack of resources for transgender people here in my area. I told her I had the desire to help other transgender people like myself and that it would be nice if we had a place to go to meet and get to know other transgender people. She said, well, maybe you should make a place.... That really got me thinking about it. Maybe I could a Go Fund me page rp get donations to buy some place and make it a safe place for others to come visit and be themselves. Anyone have ideas?

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@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy:
Your ideas about creating a place for like-minded transgenders to meet is certainly a good one....
... however, I am thinking that you might want to start with a less grandiose plan...

       "walk before you run"   In other words I would not jump into right away buying a place to meet... it might be more prudent to rent a small meeting hall for the first several meetings to see how it goes and how many in your community will attend and be involved. 

If you search around you might even be able to utilize a free meeting room somewhere... get out there and make some personal appeals with various clubs and organizations that may have a space or something available for a good cause.

Please keep us all updated......
Thank you for sharing your thoughts,
Hugs,
Danielle

I think its great that you are thinking beyond yourself.  As Daniele suggests though don't go in too deep too soon.  You might contact a few local churches to see if they would host your meetings.  That what me and a friend did several years ago, although ours only lasted so long.  We made a small donation to them each week we used their meeting room.   Best of luck!!!!
Judi

6th month Doctor visit:

I went to see my doctor for my 6th check up. After the initial "What's changed? / How are you feeling?" She checked out my boobs. She was impressed at the results I have had and was more so that they are growing evenly. She was really surprised at the growth from 3 months ago. She was also happy that I lost 20 pounds.

She then asked if I wanted to increase my dosage. I eagerly said Yes! So, she doubled my E. I told her I wanted to wait on the Spiro until she got my blood work results. I really dread increasing the Spiro. I'm hoping a higher dose of E will help suppress my T. She didn't seem worried about bad blood work results as I have changed my diet and lost weight. She was very excited with the results so far.

We spoke about me starting fenasteride for my hair loss and she agreed. She said she would put it in as urinary issues for insurance purposes but the pharmacy told me BCBS denied it and it was going to be $100. I sent my Dr. A message via the patient portal to see about an alternative. Maybe even a higher dose and I can just split the pills. We'll see.

I'm really excited to see what changes over the next 3 months. I do intend to lose more weight. I definitely want this belly gone. Also, I have a fat pubic area and I would love for it to go away. Something else to work on!



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@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy:
I will consider your update as a good news report.   
It is great that you made some progress on your weight loss... wow, down 20 pounds in 3 months.  Keep doing what you are doing so you can get to you goal weight sooner than later.

Oh, and don't fret over an increased dose of Spiro... it is an evil necessity for most transitioners, your doctor will keep tabs on your blood tests to make certain that things are going as they should.

I trust that you can get your insurance and HRT dosage issues worked out to your satisfaction and soon.

HRT usually never does anything really quickly but changes will happen and certainly after 3 months you might be seeing more significant changes more frequently. 

Thank you for keeping all of us up to date as you travel down the transition road.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

Hello again Mindy

I am so happy for you on 3 counts - your significant HRT progress, your weight loss and your doubling of dosage of E.

Please feel free to show your E&T Blood Test results but only if you wish of course.

Good luck on arranging a suitable AA and wishing you further success on your journey.

Hugs

Pamela

So, I have been really struggling the past few weeks. There are a lot of things making me contemplate my continuation of HRT.

Money- My current financial state can't support any gender confirming surgeries I may need. FFS, Orchi, etc. are off the table for me financially.

Support- I have one friend who openly encourages me and wants to do everything she can to help me with the journey and I love her for it. Two of my other friends know but have been pretty quiet on the subject. My other friends and family do not know. I struggle with telling my family. I'm afraid their reaction will be extremely negative and I just can't handle that right now.

Unhappy- I have been unhappy since I was a teen. Life has not been what I would call fulfilling. I exist. That's about all I can say about how I feel right now. I'm seeing a therapist but I dont feel it is doing any good. I have never had a job that I loved. I made great money managing a couple of stores for a cell phone company for about 5 years but I didn't love it. I didn't even like it most of the time. So, I left. Money isn't everything. Now I'm an office administrator for a family owned financial advisor. Again, I dont enjoy it. I'm existing...

I'm considering stopping HRT for the above reasons but also because I just dont know if I'm ready for more changes. My breasts are getting bigger, my skin is so soft, my body hair is lessening but I dont know if this is what I want anymore. I dont know if I can cope with the consequences that will no doubt arise.

I do know I need to get healthier than I am. My LDL was way up on my 6th month Blood tests and my HDL was down slightly. I've asked my Doctor about Niacin. Just waiting for a response. My dear friend got a membership to Planet Fitness and has offered to sponsor me so I can go workout with her. She lost over 50lbs in 4 months and has really been trying to help me achieve my transition goals. I plan on taking her up on the offer when I can get over my self conscious anxiety issues.



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I'm sorry to read that you're down Mindy.  I can suggest looking at the long term goals rather than today or short term.  Your job is just a vehicle to help you move forward.  We all get stuck in dead end jobs at time but we eventually move on. 

Are you being completely honest with your therapist?  Or is this the right therapist for you?  Sometimes we need to shop around in order to find one where we "click" and feel comfortable.  Just a thought...

Hold off on talking to your family if you believe they will be negative.  You don't need that right now.  Thats a nice offer from your friend.  Take her up on it and who knows you may also meet other people and broaden your circle of friends.

All my best, Judi

Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 23, 2018, 03:15:45 PM
6th month Doctor visit:

We spoke about me starting fenasteride for my hair loss and she agreed. She said she would put it in as urinary issues for insurance purposes but the pharmacy told me BCBS denied it and it was going to be $100. I sent my Dr. A message via the patient portal to see about an alternative. Maybe even a higher dose and I can just split the pills. We'll see.

I've had issues getting BCBS to cover fin as well. Get the app called GoodRx and use the coupon. I pay about $10 per month out of pocket with coupon.

Mindy here's a big hug. 

Judi is right - this is all for the long term.  You will encounter setbacks, questions and questionable days. 

Don't read too much into other peoples' reactions as very few usually understand the reasons why anyone would transition.  This is about your future and making the best decisions.  Some important decisions don't have to be immediate. 

Surgeries can be helpful, but I've found the most important change is within my mind and discovering new ways to enjoy life. 

Just a small update. My Dr. Doubled my E today! I'm super excited. I'm now on a full transition dose. I took Jaime320's advice and checked out Goodrx. It's a life saver! Thank you! My Finasteride and Phentermine only cost me about $11 bucks now. Without it the Phentermine alone was $100.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing what happens over the next several months on my new dosage. Also have plans to start working out several days a week. I'm going to force myself to at least go for a walk if the gym isn't an option that day.

Tootles,
Mindy

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@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy...
You have every right to be very excited regarding the increased HRT dosages that your Doctor has prescribed.

Oh, and the Goodrx option for your meds is really good news...
....a great money saver... thanks to @Jaime320 and her suggestion for you.

I will be looking for your updates as you progress with your HRT journey...
Thank you for sharing your comments and ramblings with your followers.
Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Melinda@heart on December 05, 2018, 10:34:46 PM
Just a small update. My Dr. Doubled my E today! I'm super excited. I'm now on a full transition dose. I took Jaime320's advice and checked out Goodrx. It's a life saver! Thank you! My Finasteride and Phentermine only cost me about $11 bucks now. Without it the Phentermine alone was $100.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing what happens over the next several months on my new dosage. Also have plans to start working out several days a week. I'm going to force myself to at least go for a walk if the gym isn't an option that day.

Tootles,
Mindy

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Yeah!!! Glad it helped.

Thank you to all who replied here and offer advice or encouragement. I may not always respond to your posts, but I read each one and appreciate your thoughts.

Now, a quick update....

Since my Doctor increased my E i have been feeling great! Mentally, Physically, Emotionally... it has been absolutely amazing! Before the increase I was in a funk. Meaning, i was severely depressed, miserable, tired constantly, grumpy and generally unpleasant to be around. I also had the notorious brain fog and I lacked any drive to do ANYTHING.

With the E increase it's like I'm a different person. For the first time in over 30 years I feel alive and hopeful. I just feel "right" mentally.

The numbers that display when I step on the scale keep going down and I can see my body changing. I'm getting hips and my boobies have grown a lot. I completely fill the 44A Leading Ladybra I bought now. A few months ago I had a lot of room to spare in the cups. I had not tried it on in a few months, but after replying to Sophiesmom's thread I decided to check it out again. Glad I did!

Saturday I went and had sushi with my BFF Amy. It was delish. Afterward we went to Old Navy and I bought 2 sets of gym clothes. I start going to the gym with her today.

I'm still finding it difficult to sit down and talk to my parents about my transition. My fear is one of them (most likely my mom), will have a heart attack right there on the spot. The guilt would kill me. This is probably an unreasonable fear, but a very real fear is that she will reject my choice based on her religious beliefs. I know she would never reject me or disown me but not supporting my decision to transition would be just as devastating emotionally.

Anyway, chow for now!

~Mindy

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Hello again Mindy

This is a wonderful uplifting summary! I am so happy for you.

So much good news to report: mental and emotional and physical development, weight loss and hips and boobs.

I wish you the best of luck in telling your parents (if you choose to do so).

Hugs

Pamela

I guess my last update got lost somewhere over the past few days. So, I'll give another new one. [emoji16]

I went to see my Doctor today. She is so awesome. I'm starting a new/old job on the 28th. It's on a Marine Corps base. I decided I wanted to cut back on HRT dosage due to life changes so I made an appointment with my Doc to discuss it.

The first thing she says when I walk in is "Hey, do you want to switch to injections? I can get them now, and wow look at your boobs!" Hahah i was like omg. She asked me to show them to her. (I'm not complaining! She's cute.) Anyway, after groping my chest and then my growing hips, she was all smiles and excitement. Then i dropped the bomb and told her what I wanted to do. We discussed my dosages and goals on depth. We discussed switching from Spiro to Bicalutamide. She was sad after all my great progress on Spiro but also very understanding. She suggested we wait on my blood work results before making any changes in medication but we did lower my dose of Spiro a bit.

I love the results I have achieved but I want to lose more weight and save up some money for future procedures before I let my boobs get bigger. My Doctor said I could expect some DDs in another year at this rate. I want my face and hair to catch up before I get bigger in the chest. I know a lot of people might not agree with this method, but hey, it's my body and my journey and we are all different. I have to do what is best for me in my own time. I'm so thankful for informed consent and the changes that have been made to accommodate women like me. I'm so grateful for those who paved the way and I wish your journeys had been easier. Thank you to all those who went before me.

I am looking forward to my journey, no matter how slow it may be.

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Glad things are positive. It's your journey do as you see fit. FYI Acceptance on base is changing. Especially Pendleton/Miramar area.  It's a struggle at times, but no more so than say the south. I'd keep doing what you're doing unless you don't plan to transition on that particular job.

Thanks Jaime. I'll be on the East Coast in NC. I just feel I need to slow down the boob growth at the moment. When I'm ready to go full time I'll be ready for them to explode!

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Too each their own. Let's just say you'd find a few friends among the sea of green. I know that area as well.

@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy:  
It is wonderful for me to see that you are updating your thread again after a ONE MONTH gap in your postings on your thread.  Please try to keep your followers from having withdrawals from a lack of doing what followers do....  we are your biggest fans and supporters and it is always nice to see your updates....  if you give us good news we will rejoice with you and if you give us a not-so-good report we are here with our ears to listen and our shoulder for you to lean on.

Oh yeah I saw your update on January 10 and I replied with my comments but that all appears to be lost and disappeared as a result of the recent Susan's Place server crash and recovery.  Thank you for providing us a replacement update.

That is certainly good news that you reported about getting your new/old job back.
Related to that and your other life changes I can understand why you went to your doctor yesterday to discuss your HRT progress, dosages and perhaps backing off the HRT somewhat while you sort out your life details.   
I was very pleased to hear that your doctor was impressed with your body changes so far in your HRT regimen
          (wow, DD's in another year !!!!  that will be difficult to hide) 
but it is good that you thinking clearly about how fast and/or how slowly you want to progress with your transition.
All of us have to figure that stuff out in our own transition journey and how and when we come out to our loved ones, family, friends and co-workers....  this can be a delicate matter in many cases so I am glad that you have discussed all of this with your doctor.

Please know that here on the forums that we realize that this is indeed YOUR JOURNEY and you have to be the one making the decisions about the details and timing as you continue on with your life plans.   Whatever you decide to do we will be behind you supporting your every move.

Again, thanks for coming back to your thread to update all of us once again.
Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

Thanks Danielle. I always appreciate your positive encouraging posts. I will try to be more conscientious, of those who read my threads feelings, by posting more regularly. I try to update when I feel something significant or meaningful has occurred. Starting a new job will take a lot of my time in the coming weeks, but I will stop by when I can.

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Quote from: Melinda@heart on January 17, 2019, 09:25:51 AM
Thanks Danielle. I always appreciate your positive encouraging posts. I will try to be more conscientious, of those who read my threads feelings, by posting more regularly. I try to update when I feel something significant or meaningful has occurred. Starting a new job will take a lot of my time in the coming weeks, but I will stop by when I can.

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@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy:
Absolutely only post when you feel so led and only about things that you feel comfortable about sharing on your thread.

Wishing you well with your new/old job.

I am always eager to read your comments.
HUGS...
Danielle

  It's 4am here. I woke up to go pee and can't  fall asleep again. I lay here enjoying the feeling of the soft sheets on my smooth skin. HRT has done wonders for my body. My body hair has thinned significantly, it grows much much slower. My skin is so smooth! I'm getting curves and boobs!

  And yet, I lay here doubting what I'm doing. This is something I have wanted all my life. Something I have dreamed of or wished for, for as long as I can remember. And yet I doubt. Is it because of my religious upbringing I wonder? Is it me subconsciously telling myself this is wrong because of those religious beliefs? I thought I had settled that line of thought within myself months ago. I don't feel guilt, remorse or shame for what I am. I believe I was just born this way.

Maybe it's just fear. I am afraid of rejection and being alone, but then again I've been alone most of my life. I was bullied throughout junior high due to being short and overweight. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I had a growth spurt and for a few short years felt ok with the size of my body if not the shape. I had a LOT of girlfriends in high school. I'm not sure why, but I didn't keep a GF more than a few weeks. There were just so many to choose from. I had to catch them all!

  It wasn't until the very end of my senior year that I actually really fell in love with someone. Or maybe it was just lust, or some combination of the two. I dated her for one month shy of a year. Then she cheated on me. It broke me. It hurt me deeply. Not just because of the cheating. It was because of the lies she told about me afterward. It was because her brother was my best friend at the time and he believed her lies. It was because her dad was the pastor at our church and he believed her lies too. It was because my parents stayed at that church and I felt betrayed by them for not leaving. I felt like I lost everything in one fell swoop. It was like the executioner's axe fell that day and cleaved everything I loved from my life. It devastated me.

  Our brains are funny things. All of that was how I felt then. The reality was something different. I had cheated on her months before with her best friend. In her house. In her bed. What kind of person was I to do something like that to someone I loved? All she did was kiss her ex. I slept with her BFF in her bed. I was such a hypocrite for my thinking back then the way I did. That whole situation could have been avoided had i been faithful. Actions and consequences....  Who would have thought that something that seems so trivial would have such a profound impact on the rest of my life?

  You see, after that I lost my swagger, my confidence. I lost the ability to tell someone that I really liked how I felt about them. I feared rejection. To this day I still deal with that. I haven't asked a woman out in years. It's just easier not to. I have dated since then. I had a few in my early 20s. But they were all married. I think I dated married women because i knew it wouldn't go anywhere. I knew how the relationship would end. I mean, they were already married and cheating with me so there was no way in hell I would ever get serious with them. Until I fell in love with Cristela that is., but even that love ended painfully.

  I think now that what is holding me back from taking the plunge into full time womanhood is indeed fear. Yes, fear of being rejected by friends, family, society. Fear of not passing, not being woman enough. Fear of being mocked, ridiculed, assaulted or killed. Just because people don't understand why we are the way we are and they can't accept us or allow us to do what we need to do to live. To live...

  Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness...  unless you're transgender, or something else the world doesn't fully understand. Then you don't have those inalienable rights. No, you are deemed a degenerate, a pervert, a freak. You become something even the very worst of society looks down on. All because of ignorance and unwillingness to even try to understand us.

So yes, it is fear that causes my hesitation in living full time as a woman. My life experiences have eroded my confidence. Years of isolation and solitude have deprived me of the social skills needed to make a support group of friends to help me through this period in my life. Fear sucks. Now that I know what is holding me back, maybe I can deal with it. Maybe I can learn to move past it. Maybe I can conquer it. Time will tell.

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Quote from: Melinda@heart on January 19, 2019, 04:01:28 AM
 
  I think now that what is holding me back from taking the plunge into full time womanhood is indeed fear. Yes, fear of being rejected by friends, family, society. Fear of not passing, not being woman enough. Fear of being mocked, ridiculed, assaulted or killed. Just because people don't understand why we are the way we are and they can't accept us or allow us to do what we need to do to live. To live...

  Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness...  unless you're transgender, or something else the world doesn't fully understand. Then you don't have those inalienable rights. No, you are deemed a degenerate, a pervert, a freak. You become something even the very worst of society looks down on. All because of ignorance and unwillingness to even try to understand us.

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Hello again Mindy

I sympathise absolutely with these 2 paras; that is just how it has been here in UK until relatively recently. Transgender matters have only really been in the public domain here since around 2005 and it takes more than 14 years to overcome the bulk of the ignorance and the anti-reaction.

However I do feel things are gradually better here and I hope so also in US as younger people seem much more understanding. Sadly there are some unpleasant beings who get a thrill out of mocking us and insulting us but that is getting a little rare these days; it is usually just the long stare we have to contend with. I think the majority of people now are indifferent or too busy with their own lives to have a view on trans matters.

I share your fear but decided in 2017 to take positive action by small steps.

I shall "take the plunge" and live fulltime later this year as I have always wished to but feared for precisely the same reasons as you.

I hope you are able to pursue at your own pace and "take the plunge" whenever you are ready.

Wishing you happiness and success.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

Thanks Pamela.

Since my last post I have been taking a lower dosage of E and Spiro. And have added in Bicalutamide. My doctor suggested a reduced spiro dosage and only take it every other day for a week then stop.

Observations: All since my appt.

Body hair- regrowth after shaving slowed significantly. Hair density diminished greatly.

Testes- shrinkage quite noticable. Scrotum stays drawn up as if I were cold, even when  at the gym. No sexual desire.

Mood- Feeling lethargic again, mildly depressed or maybe just bored? When I increased my E I noticed the depression went away. I'm kind of worried about reducing it again because I dont want to feel that way anymore.

Skin- Silky smooth. I have read this is the Bicalutamide. Whatever it us, I like it!

I measure my hips and breasts last night. I have gained a full 3 inches in the bust and 2 in the hips. As stated in a previous post, I'm reducing my dosage because I'm starting a new job. We are required to wear polos and they do not help hide breasts at all. I want to slow my breast growth down significantly. At the moment I'm relying on compression undershirts to help conceal them.

Anyway, I just wanted to notate this for myself.



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I just gave myself my first Estradiol injection.

The fear is real. Am I really doing this? How fast will I see changes? Can I handle what's sure to come? Am I REALLY transgender? OMG. Too late now. I took the step. I need to see Mindy. She needs a chance at life.

My new/old job is going good so far. After only 2 weeks I've moved my store up to number 3 in the District. We were at 9 or 10 out of 13. Number 1 is in my sights. Then its move up the ranks in the Eastern Region and finally the entire company. I see it. My team will be the best again.

Work has kept me so busy there has been no gym time for a few weeks. That changes Monday. My bff has informed me I'm to get my ass back to the gym then. I love a dominant woman. Well, she's semi-dominant. And then only when she's not dealing with those dreadful self esteem issues.

Mindy, I hope to see you soon bloom into the beautiful woman you are.(https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20190216/71849fd3854b5a7ebaf3b0ba813a238d.jpg)

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So, minor update. I was ma'amed two different times while in guy mode in the past month. *happy sigh*

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It's been awhile since I've posted here. It's hard to explain why, but I've felt like I dont belong here or rather I'm most likely not wanted here. I have posted some of my religious and political views in the past and I noticed that after the last post people just quit responding to me. It may be all in my head. I don't know. I decided to post an update here for myself regardless of who else might read it.

Update:

It's been just over a year since I started HRT. I started on E pills and Spiro but close to the 1 year mark my doctor switched me to Ijections for E and several months before that took me off Spiro and put me on Bicalutamide. I must say the switch in both cases was worth it for me. My hips  have grown considerably, my breasts buds developed further and grew quite a bit. My body hair has greatly diminished. I am so thankful for that! I shave my face once a week now. My legs and upper body maybe every 2 weeks. My skin is soooooo soft. I love the changes.

I have also been on finesteride and minoxidil (Kirkland's on Amazon for $25 for 6 months supply). I have seen significant hair regrowth in my crown and every where but the forehead area. I started the last 2 in January.

My doctor gave me an Rx for Progesterone which I picked up today. I'll be starting it tonight. Yes, its micronized progesterone. I'm really hoping for areola/nipple development more than anything. I have good sized nipples but I would like them a bit bigger. I would also love more rounded out breasts.

I have also been coming out to people I work with. I told all of my employees and to my surprise all were accepting or at least non- judgmental. I've started buying more androgynous clothing for my daily wear. But I have an increasing desire to go full time. I think it's the E injections aligning my brain stuff finally.

I have always said I was unsure if I wanted GCS/SRS but lately I have had the mindset that it is most definitely something i desire. FFS as well. Along with hair transplants and electrolysis and all the other bank account draining stuff..

Mentally, I have not been more stable all my life. It's amazing to me how my severe depression vanished. I still have days where I doubt everything and question ALL my decisions but those are less frequent. I feel "right" for once in my life. I look in the mirror and see my hips and breasts and I can look past the rest of my body and see hope and a future.

My future is bright. My future is mine.

Mindy

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@Melinda@heart
Dear Melinda:
Thank you for coming back to your thread to share your update with me and the rest of your followers.
WOW... you previous update was 2 1/2 months ago on March 15 !!!! :o :o

Please get that thought out of your head that you think that you do not belong here or that you are not wanted here.... that is the furthest from the truth.   
Regarding how other members respond to our postings.....  we all have our own things that we are going through and as I do my thing and daily read through all the postings from others, there are some that I can respond intelligently to and there are others that do not necessarily say something that I can respond positively to....

Don't worry about responses...  I know that is easy for me to say, but your thread and your posts are about your thoughts and your trials, tribulations, successes and failures.    Even if you do not get a lot of responses, the fact that you are writing out your feelings is good personal therapy.   It gives you a chance to review your thoughts and to postulate positive actions.

Thank you for your ONE YEAR HRT update..... at this point, most transitioners start seeing and feeling dramatic changes.  Certainly exciting... and there is lots more to come especially since you are now starting Progesterone!!!

It is great that you are getting brave and starting to come-out to your co-workers....   for most it is a fearful endeavor but it is almost never as bad as it is first thought... and it is like a big heavy weight is lifted off of your shoulders... and many times we find more acceptance that we thought we would.

Regarding  GCS  and  FFS.... those are certainly big steps in any transition so be sure to give it a lot of thought, get professional opinions, and then do what you desire to do...... 
I will tell you that for me it was best to give HRT a little more time to do what it could do in my own transition journey.

It is good to read that your depression has vanished and that you are now seeing the new you in the mirror.
YES, YOUR future is bright, YOUR future is YOURS!!!!

Thank you for posting your long awaited update.... please don't make me and your followers wait so long to read your transition report!!!! 
HUGS and best wishes as always,
Danielle

Hello again Mindy. It is so wonderful to read such an uplifting report. I am delighted you are seeing such improvements both mentally and physically.

I also started Progesterone (on March 17th in fact) and seek nipples and areolae increase. I wish you success in attaining these possible benefits and with Progesterone in general.

Hugs

Pamela

Daniele and Pamela,

Thank you both for your kind words and encouragement.  I really appreciate it. You both always have something uplifting and positive to say. It always makes me smile to read comments from you both!

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@Melinda@heart
Dear Mindy:
Thank you for your reply....
....please, please, please... keep us updated more frequently... but only post things you feel that you can share with others.  For your more private stuff it would be good to have your own private journal at home for your eyes only.

As I mentioned in my previous reply, this is YOUR thread and your testament of your personal journal...  this is an important tool for you to track and to chronicle your successes and discouragements.   

Hugs,
Danielle

Quote from: Melinda@heart on May 27, 2019, 07:55:18 AM
Daniele and Pamela,

Thank you both for your kind words and encouragement.  I really appreciate it. You both always have something uplifting and positive to say. It always makes me smile to read comments from you both!

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