Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Suicide has always felt like an inevitability to me. Sure, I won't do it today or a week from now, but I always just knew that it will happen someday. In my mind, I've always said I'm going to kill myself before I turn 30. By that time, I feel like life will have passed me by and nothing fun or interesting happens after that point anyway. I've never had any goals in life, aside from wanting to be pretty, and attractive to others. I feel like my sexual market value will be depleted by then, even if I can passably transition. So, what can you do to want to wake up in the morning? The only interest I've ever had in life is playing videogames, because that's an /escape/ from real life. What do people see here that makes them want to stick around?

Adulthood holds no interest to me whatsoever. My teen years sucked, and were spent in complete isolation. Those are supposedly "the best years of your life", so  by comparison, I can only imagine what complete hell awaits in adulthood. Further, I've never had a job despite being 24, and am completely socially inept due to a lifetime of hermitry, so I have no idea how I would survive in the real world, not even factoring in being trans.

Lately I've been trying to think of convincing arguments for not committing suicide, and the only one I can really think of is the remote possibility that a "hell" is real. The other is that I might botch the suicide, but I'm smart enough to know to aim for the brainstem/reptilian brain and not the neo cortex like I hear of some fools doing.

Think about it more like about some kind of plan B in case life becomes more difficult than you can endure. Death is dead end while life give you chances to find something

@Madison2002
Dear Madison:
Back at the end of August when you first became a member of Susan's Place and the Forums you were sharing your difficulties with your Endo and getting HRT started and in your subsequent posts it appears that problem was solved and you have made other postings regarding various subjects.

It is obvious from your last posting here that you are having difficulties with getting your head around your transition and what it will mean for your life going forward.

I would suggest that if you are not frequently and regularly seeing a therapist that you get on the phone and make an appointment ASAP.   You mentioned a lot of issues going on in your life that need to be explored and eventually solved. 

I trust that you will report back with your plans and your current situation...  everyone here wants you to be successful in your ability to cope with life events.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Wishing you the best, and looking forward to your next postings.
Danielle

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on October 23, 2018, 03:29:29 PM
@Madison2002
Dear Madison:
Back at the end of August when you first became a member of Susan's Place and the Forums you were sharing your difficulties with your Endo and getting HRT started and in your subsequent posts it appears that problem was solved and you have made other postings regarding various subjects.

It is obvious from your last posting here that you are having difficulties with getting your head around your transition and what it will mean for your life going forward.

I would suggest that if you are not frequently and regularly seeing a therapist that you get on the phone and make an appointment ASAP.   You mentioned a lot of issues going on in your life that need to be explored and eventually solved. 

I trust that you will report back with your plans and your current situation...  everyone here wants you to be successful in your ability to cope with life events.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.
Wishing you the best, and looking forward to your next postings.
Danielle

I already have a therapist and see her every two weeks. Her usual advice is to join a trans support group and talk to other trans people. So I join this forum and they say to go see a therapist, lol...

I don't know, I don't feel like therapy has ever helped me. I can't even really fathom how it's supposed to help. Mindfulness meditation helps me get out of my head for a while, but it's only a temporary fix, just like videogames or other escapism.

Quote from: Madison2002 on October 23, 2018, 03:59:34 PM

I already have a therapist and see her every two weeks. Her usual advice is to join a trans support group and talk to other trans people. So I join this forum and they say to go see a therapist, lol...

I don't know, I don't feel like therapy has ever helped me. I can't even really fathom how it's supposed to help. Mindfulness meditation helps me get out of my head for a while, but it's only a temporary fix, just like videogames or other escapism.

@Madison2002
Dear Madison: 
Here on the forums we are not, nor do we pretend to be professional therapists, all we can talk about here are our own experiences and what we know about others experiences with handling the sometimes difficult emotions that go along with transitioning.

Your therapist is correct about joining a trans-support group and most likely your therapist wanted to join a group in a real life setting where you can have personal one on one contact with others that can identify with your life issues.
If you are still struggling, perhaps additional and more immediate appointments with your therapist may be in order....

.....or possibly a different therapist might be able to offer more help to you.

Thank you for your reply, please keep us all updated.
We are you biggest fans...
Hugs,
Danielle

Madison   Regular therapy is not Gender Therapy. I've been to so many mindfulness seminars I now feel I could give them. Mindfulness is not the answer. For stress maybe. For gender confusion and answers no. I am in two support groups. One in Seattle and one in Tacoma. It is nice to be with people who have something in common. I am in two online groups. Since coming out all the stress of keeping secrets has disappeared. Spending time with people like myself give me a purpose. I know that video games help pass the time. Heck my son told me when he was seven that Nintendo was his life. It was for awhile as he worked there about a year. But you have to find something else that peeks your interest. Get out of the house and explorer the world. You will feel better. Take it from someone who has learned.

Madison,

I'm not sure what to tell you but I would just like to encourage you to stop considering suicide as a possibility at all. Death is complete and total. There is no coming back and it is the end. If you believe in Heaven and Hell then suicide leads to the worst possible end. If you only believe that there is a continual loop then perhaps your destiny leads to a more difficult path based on that choice to not fully live your life this time around. I can't say for certain. What I do know is that life is only yours on this plane for a relatively short time. You should do all that you can to explore and experience it to your best ability.

I was fortunate enough to meet a wonderful woman that I feel was my soulmate. She is struggling with my coming out but even with that strain in our relationship the moments we have already shared can never be taken away from me. That experience alone that I have been able to live for the past 18 years was worth the ride even if I never get to know that special kind of love again.

Your soulmate might be a man or a woman. Whatever you are attracted to could be yours if you give life the opportunity to open the doors for you to walk through. I believe if you keep trying to experience everything that life can hand to you that you will find what you are looking for.

I have had many challenges thrown in my path over my lifetime. I am blind in one eye because of a rare disorder that was caused because my other eye was damaged in an accident. I wasn't able to drive until my 30s. I never had a physical relationship until I met my wife, who I had to meet online before there was even online dating. She was from Ohio and I was in California. I am terrified of flying but I bought that ticket to meet her and now I have 20 years of joyous memories that I will cherish until the day that I die. Now I have this realization of being transgender and a whole new challenge has entered my life. Society is against me, many of the people I call friends will most likely reject me, my wife does not want to have a physical relationship any longer, but she loves me and does not want to leave. You have to adapt to life to find joy.

Read some of the threads here about positive attitudes. Look at some of the wonderful success stories for people who transition late in life. There are many reasons to believe there is hope for the future. Don't let the current leadership in the US discourage you from the joy that you deserve to find in life. I would love to get to know you and share all of your future joys with you. That will never happen if you decide to make an early exit from life. I would love for us to be sisters together in the brighter future that we can share as transwomen. There is always hope. The only way that there is no hope if is you choose to end your life. Death is not hope it is simply the end of life. My prayers are out there for you sweetheart. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

I am certainly not a mental health professional but it sounds like you may have more than just trans issues going on.  It's possible anti-depressants may be appropriate for you.  By all means sound your therapist out on that.  I am one of the  most seriously ->-bleeped-<-ed-up people on the planet.  My life is a train wreck. But even so, there is recompense for the pain, laughter, unexpected bursts of sunlight chasing away the darkness. Do not be in a hurry to die.  You will soon enough naturally, and in my opinion, it is eternal.  You may not think so, but you bring something unique and beautiful to the world that no one else does. At 24, you have so, so many roads you can go down.  Work with your therapist.  Don't be afraid to try someone else if it's not helping.  Best of luck. 

Quote from: Madison2002 on October 23, 2018, 02:56:23 PM
What do people see here that makes them want to stick around?

I would say other people, i.e. friends, family, the connections we make, caring about others.  There was a famous writer who survived the Nazi concentration camps who wrestled with this very question.  Elie Weisel.  He won the Nobel Prize among a bunch of other awards.  I read a book of his that that dealt with this question once and can't remember the name, but he said what he saw repeated over and over again in the concentration camps was that people who survived had someone that they cared about and wanted to help, a wife, a sibling, a child, a friend.   It was the caring they had for the other person that gave them the strength to endure and survive.  My suggestion is to get some help (therapy) with a goal of becoming a more social person.  If people aren't your thing consider volunteering at a local animal shelter.   Getting outside of ourselves  is the best thing for us when we are suffering depression.

My Dear Madison2002
You are so young and life is so full of great surprises.  I am over 70 years old, and I am in transition now!  I was born as some kind of intersex person, not really a male, but not really a female either.  Somebody decided for me to be a male.  I grew up during a time in which society accepted only males or females, and sometimes there were people like I shown in traveling Karneval shows.
I had to struggle, but I still enjoyed my life, because I was looking for the fun things, and there were a lot of them.  Sex is great, but one can live without it and still have a great and fun life!  I had no sex until I was about 36 years old, and I met my wife.  Boy did we have a great sex life after that. 
You are not even old enough to that life had a chance to make you happy, as it made me happy, maybe your great partner is just waiting around the corner, hoping to be found by you!

Just try it, be positive, see the flowers (and don't forget to smell them), and be positive.  As I said, I was always that weirdo, not really male or female, but you can use your difference as a positive element.  Positive and happy people have a much easier time to find partners. 
Try it, I'll bet you will love it!

I have struggled with thoughts much the same through the course of my life.  And ever constant was the fact that after the dark there is light.  Even if the dark returns.  The only thing you can count on is things change.  How will you know what happiness is right around the corner if you don't stick around to see it?

You are the arbitrator of your own thoughts.  The fact you posted here tells me you want to keep trying.  So try.  If therapy isn't working with your current provider maybe find one with whom you can better connect?  And then open up.  Therapy only helps if your willing to be as open with them as you are with nothing but your own thoughts, late at night, when you can't sleep.  If you ever cry to yourself then you'll know if therapy is working when you cry while in session.

I'm sending hugs your way, right now Madison!  I hope you can feel them.  <3

Thanks for the uplifting perspectives everyone. Someone mentioned antidepressants and I was indeed prescribed them a few weeks ago. Before that I took antianxiety pills for several years. None of these things has really made me feel any different, and I don't really think the depression has any basis in chemical imbalance anyway.

A lot of you mentioned changing therapists. I've had the thought myself, honestly. She has had about 4 trans patients in the past but she's not really a specialist. She's more of a counselor I think, and mine was the first hrt recommendation letter she's ever written. I live in a rural area and I would have to drive a long ways to find a specialist, probably.

Again, thanks for your responses. I'm feeling better at the moment.

Hi, going to real trans groups is very different than an on-line forum. I have made some great friends at group. I have seen and learned so much from others I could not possibly put it all down. I had friends die from suicide, drugs and not having the ability to cope.

Get into community and experience life. It is a wild ride. Starting out is scary. Express your fear at group and ask how they get through it. Make friends and say yes to offers. Be a friend and do things out of your comfort zone.

Lots of people do not have a job and there are ways to survive.

I have learned so much about myself. I am not going to get into my life's story about abuse and suicidal ideation and attempts. I will tell you that over the past 23 months I have lost all suicidal ideation and really love my life. I never thought I would say that.

In my case, my inner self was crying to live but the fear I had was stopping me. I cloaked it in many excuses. Transition is hard but you can do it. The power of one may help you. Just change one thought, behavior, excuse, road block a day. I realize I was the reason I did not transition and I had all sorts of reasons and road blocks. Subconsciously at first but then consciously I took down every issue. it is a long hard road to self discovery a self actualization.

I am me. Three words and a lifetime to achieve.

This is a feeling I have had many times in my life and still have at times. For me, it comes from not feeling like I belong or am fully integrated with the people around me. I have a family including children, an amazing career, two partners and lots to live for, but alas I still feel it more than I would like to admit. I've traveled the entire world and seen so many things and I can't shake it.

It is hard to defeat brain chemistry that is the result of illness, conditioning and our own minds. It is really hard at times. But, it can get better and it can result in a life that is reasonably content and challenges you.

Professional help has been the key as has my connections to other people. An in-person support group could be key for you. My friends have been this to me As stated above this is what people live for, not the threat of a bad afterlife. For the life that is here right now. People are out there for you and sometimes it is easier than you think to lean on them. It takes a village as they say and we are all here because of the people around us.

So I'd get help. I'd connect with people until they are tired of seeing my face, I'd make sure my body and health is as good as it can be. Also, I can assure you there is plenty of life and wonderful things after 30. Do I know if these things will keep you or I from an early death? Nope, but it is worth the effort to try.

Do you have a pet/pets? i found that helps
srri's can take weeks to kick in
maybe the further you get into hrt the better you will feel
do you hang out with your trans tribe?
i do understand about those dark thoughts they were a companion for so long ... they still come but very rarely now.... and then its just a passing phase...
hanging out with people helps a lot.
Hang in there have a go before you quit😉
i wish you the best

Oh hon, what a question.

Talk with your therapist about the escaping behaviours, talk with them about these desires -a good therapist will engage with you, and these issues with you - if you don't feel that benefit, then maybe time to review your choice of therapist...

Depression or depressive symptoms can be produced by endocrine imbalance, serotonin imbalance, norepinephrine imbalance or dopamine imbalance, amongst many, many others. Currently our world is stabilised by ssri and dopamine regulators, and it took a good while to kick in. In reality, it was possibly that the dose was a little low, and this we probably should have brought up.

We have derealisation and depersonalisation forms of dissociation, and can totally relate to being aside from the general human species - we spend a lot of time worrying about how alien we are, and then hurt/depressed when we cannot express how we feel or want to be perceived. Lots of the time we spend feeling like the freak at the circus, in a box that is sound proof, so they cannot hear our screaming. It is during that time when our desire to stop it all, starts clamouring for our attention.

We can promise that when your medication is better matched to you, the desire to stop will become less powerful, from a driven desire to a more natural occasional passing thought, easily dismissed, but to get to that point needs courage to talk frankly with your GP and Therapist.

Most importantly, we are here to listen, and talk with.

Rowan

I think your therapist is right about finding a support group.  She means one in real life, not an online one.

You don't live in real life.  And that, I think, is the problem.  You need to get out there.  Anywhere but in your head or on your computer.

I don't know anyone who believes that the teen years are the best years of one's live.  Mine royally sucked!  My 20s were better.  My 30s were so-so.  My 40s and 50s were mostly good, aside from growing dysphoria.  My 60s are shaping up to be awesome.

You just have to get out there and do some living.

Can someone describe what exactly happens at a support group? Will there be attention directed toward me that will make me feel uncomfortable? Right now I'm only comfortable being seen in 'boymode', because I'm early on in hormones, and my makeup skills are laughable. Will they find it weird that im showing up in boymode, or think that I'm not making any effort etc?

I am 45, the suicide thoughts i have had before. And video games are my escape as well, my therapist is been a great help to me. I have only been on hormones for 10 months there are changes that is hard to say hide in boy mode. But i still wear boy mode or tomboy mode at work i deal with a lot of people across the country, it bugs me i cant quite be me. But i set goals to reach surgery is one, i try to see the future. Moreover i dont wear make up yet my late mother did not wear makeup. So its ok to me, the hard thing in life is to pretend to be someone else, the hardest thing is to live life yourself and free, but its worth it. Life as a transgender individual is  the hardest road i have ever been on i have done many miles. Even thou i know there will be rough times, and many days being alone and feelings of loneliness, they do pass its and up and down road,  people like us are beautiful people in and out, if life was easy it would be boring and no beauty. Even thou i have fought depression suicide over the years. I would do it all over again because i love myself andi except i am transgender, and i see how much beauty and love i have inside. Even thou process is slow. I see my goals,
Find you a good therapist and open up, thats what i had to do.

Most support groups I've ever been to don't care how you dress or present.  During check in at the beginning of the meeting you give your preferred name and pronouns and other people use them.  As far as having attention on you, that depends on the group.  But most groups let you share as much or as little as you want.

If estrogen isn't curing your depression, talk to your therapist about that.  In my case, estrogen only partially stopped the panic attacks.  It took presenting and socializing as a woman to do the rest.

So work on your presentation.  If your makeup skills leave something to be desired, find someone to teach you, watch YouTube videos, practice, practice, practice. You don't win video games without working to unlock achievements, playing sections over and over, getting help from other players, watching walk throughs on YouTube.

And don't be afraid to fail.  My back room is full of fashion boo boos.

What makes me want to get up in the morning?  I'm 56. I've seen enough friends die without living out the lives they wanted, to know that any day I wake up in the morning is a good one.  But when I was 24?  That was 1986 or so.  Transitioning was pretty much an impossibility.  Imagine knowing you are different, the only place you've ever seen a transgender woman is on a TV documentary or in a sleazy porn magazine (no internet back then) and you want to transition but you have no idea if you are trans and no way to get therapy or hormones.

The only way to even get close to anything feminine back then was to date women.  To do that I needed a cool car and money.  So I worked at whatever job I could find and beg for.  I've been working continuously since I was 15 except for 6 weeks unemployed in the summer of 1983 and a 3 week vacation in 2008.

Now I'm a trial lawyer, one of a very very few transgender attorneys in Los Angeles, California.  And when I walk into a courtroom, I own it.  Because I know every move I make reflects on the transgender community.  Part of my job is to try to make the world a safer place for younger folks coming up.  I do that by example, by showing folks who have never met an out transgender person before that we are good responsible people who work hard for the welfare of others.

And that's why I get up in the morning.

Quote from: CarlyMcx on October 23, 2018, 10:54:53 PM
Most support groups I've ever been to don't care how you dress or present.  During check in at the beginning of the meeting you give your preferred name and pronouns and other people use them.  As far as having attention on you, that depends on the group.  But most groups let you share as much or as little as you want.

That is the same experience I have with our group!  It is a nice, safe environment!

Madison, I recognize myself in your post. I *decided* I want to live. It was scary. But after my journey at the psych ward I decided suicide was not my path.

It was soothing to know I am in control. It was my decision to live. But living is not easy. With my medication I lost my social abilities. And I have suffered from anhedonia for many years. I had to relearn how to do small talk for example. Everything was dull. But I did not give up. I started doing things I know I like. It was scary. But I did anyway.

I became a scout leader. We have meetings every week. I've been there over 5 years. 

Last summer I started feeling small jolts of joy. I appreciate small things, like sunrise. And living in the present. See and feel my surroundings. It's like mindfulness but you connect to your surroundings. Trees, grass, flowers, animals... it was 7 years of anhedonia that lost its grip of me.

In my youth I had the same thoughts as you. I could not see the future. There was nothing for me. But there is something for me. And there is something for you. You have one life, be brave, aim for your dreams! Everyone has dreams. Painter? Teacher? Artist? Mechanic? What do you want to do? I was 30 when I decided to stop drinking, escaping, to be a coward and to make something out of my life.

I have a friend with schizophrenia, she do also see hope in the future. She wants to be independent and work. She is aiming for her goals. I'm not pushing her to do that, but I'm there for her when times are tough. She can't do work like me, but what fits her life.

We all have our challenges. But there is nothing that is impossible or too bad to overcome or change. People change, age changes us.

Depression is a real thing. If you are depressed, don't hesitate to contact a therapist and doctor. Medication help some people, but walks in nature help all people. Start walking!


Tony

Hello again Madison

Whereas this is obviously a very serious subject - personally I have been depressed to varying degrees most of my life - I am relieved to see you described yourself as feeling better middle of the thread compared to the beginning.

All I can add to the many helpful responses is that HRT which you intend to start soon, should improve your state of mind and give you some peace. A good therapist, if necessary after finding a different one, should also help.

I hope your improvement continues and that you find some resolution shortly.

Hugs

Pamela

I think you need to find your tribe. The people who get you and get where you've been. Some of my friends found that through Rocky Horror, some through MMORPGs and some through sports. You've been standing still so long you've forgotten what it feels like to have the wind through your hair. You are not alone. There are SO many people going through what you are right now, Madison. You've let the negative self image you've fostered forecast who you will be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now and the truth is, it's a lie. You will be confident, successful, loved, and all of this will seem like a bad dream but not if you let fear of the unknown lock you down. Discover your passion, Madison. Find people who are passionate about the same things. As an individual it's easy to lose sight of your worth but in a group, you often realize what role you fill in other people's lives and that's what belonging is.

So, tell me here. What are your passions?

Count through the posts... people care about you. The world would be a much sadder place with out you in it. There have been times when I've wanted to end it all but I realised that people in the most unlikely of places... complete strangers, care about me. Just like the people on here care about you.

But as already said, you need to meet real people. I went to my first meet last week and I was scared. I very nearly turned around and came home. But I needed help and went through the door. I found a room full of people just like us. It was liberating. I went thinking I might be the only person there who felt this way and that the others would be drag queens and ->-bleeped-<-s... but everyone there was transitioning or had already transitioned. I left on a high and feeling free and elated. I went again last night and it was just as good. I am starting to open up more to other people there. This time, we had to wait outside in a small group waiting to be let in and after we walked into town together as a group. I am not out but I felt comfortable and happy.

So I strongly recommend finding a local trans group that you can visit and talk to people just like ourselves. It is completely different to chatting to people online. I get wonderful support on here and 2 ladies I talk to every night via Skype. But it is not the same as meeting people in real life. Suddenly everything becomes real. There is human interaction. And everything seems possible and no longer just a fantasy and dream. It is very surreal the first time you go and you will likely be shy and nervous but there tends to always be someone willing to talk to you and invite you to join the group and make you feel special/one of them.

Also you don't have to go dressed. You can go any way you like. They usually have somewhere for you to change if you wish. The first time I went I was 100% guy mode. Last night I went and I went androgynous... all my clothes were women's clothing but they were styles that only hinted at feminine... something that a man could probably get away with wearing. That felt liberating too. To walk right across town in women's clothes and nobody batting an eyelid. Sure, they could've been male clothing but I knew and that's what counts when it comes to building confidence and breaking free of the embarrassment and shame and fear.

So please go and visit a local trans group and meet real people who get you. People who understand you. People who won't judge you and make you feel special and belonged.

Keep us informed of how it goes... we expect a report (a bit of incentive for you to go and not back out).

If you need to someone to chat to... then please just pm me and we can have a private chat. Us girls have got to stick together.

But you get to your local group girl... you will find it liberating.

love
Alice

But as already said, you need to meet real people. I went to my first meet last week and I was scared. I very nearly turned around and came home. But I needed help and went through the door. I found a room full of people just like us. It was liberating. I went thinking I might be the only person there who felt this way and that the others would be drag queens and ->-bleeped-<-s... but everyone there was transitioning or had already transitioned. I left on a high and feeling free and elated. I went again last night and it was just as good. I am starting to open up more to other people there. This time, we had to wait outside in a small group waiting to be let in and after we walked into town together as a group. I am not out but I felt comfortable and happy.


Exactly the experience I had. Right down to the drag queens and ->-bleeped-<-s, And when Evie reached out and gave me a hug. I knew. I had met the people that were going to help make me whole. It's been almost two years and each visit brings more joy as I find out just how much we have in common. It's been a long time since I was able to relate to people, if ever,

Thanks everyone. I'm curious how people are saying that estrogen helps with depression? I'm on a lowdose now for a month and a half and I really want to move up to an effective dose, but my endo is making me wait til January to have it increased. My morning erections have returned today and now I'm convinced that it might not be doing anything at all. I know there's a nurse practitioner near here who specializes in HRT for trans girls, should I move to her instead? Or just wait it out?

Never give up!

@Madison2002 Nurse and endo usually have a big difference in their education levels. If you have possibility stick with endo.

I've seen a family doctor, endocronolgist and now nurse practioner. I've been on hrt for a year, but with this new NP for a few short weeks. Honestly, as long as I get the right dosages, and my levels are in female range, and all my results are normal, then I'm satisfied.
I do know that the NP is supervised by a "medical doctor" since they sign letters to make sure everything is official and I don't run into any unforseen problems.

But then again you have to do what's for you and only you can decide that.

Also to respond to your original topic (I know I'm late...), I wanted to say that I don't think suicide is "inevitable". Is it a possibility? Sure. But we know death is inevitable and that no matter who you are or what you do, we all die regardless.
I've accepted that I need to make as many mistakes as possible and see how I can manage. One thing you don't want to go back on, is your principles. And that's from someone who's had to re-evalute things many times...

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Madison2002 on October 24, 2018, 12:35:13 PM
Thanks everyone. I'm curious how people are saying that estrogen helps with depression? I'm on a lowdose now for a month and a half and I really want to move up to an effective dose, but my endo is making me wait til January to have it increased.

HRT gave me emotional benefits early on aswell as the first signs of physical benefit. I felt a sense of peace. Depression was and is still apparent but less intense. After 3 months I knew I was on the "right fuel" and hence my advice on timing is to wait the three months.

Good luck on feeling the benefit yourself soon.

Hugs

Pamela

This thread is an interesting time capsule for me to look at. I had no idea just how bad I had it back then, and how strong I was to endure that-- it's fascinating what we take for granted.

As an update, Estrogen hit hard a few days ago and completely changed my perception on the world. I feel like I woke up from a ~10 year coma. It really is a miracle drug like everyone had said.

That is wonderful news, Madison. I am truly delighted and so happy for you!

Just to clarify are you still to see your Endo later in January or have you already done so and the decision has been taken to increase the Estradiol please?

Hugs

Pamela

Congratulations Madison on hanging in there and finding something that works!

QuoteI've always said I'm going to kill myself before I turn 30. By that time, I feel like life will have passed me by and nothing fun or interesting happens after that point anyway. I've never had any goals in life, aside from wanting to be pretty, and attractive to others. I feel like my sexual market value will be depleted by then, even if I can passably transition.

30 years old is still very young.
Alas other interests can branch out from one. Your desre to look pretty could eventually turn into a desire to make others look pretty with the skills you've learned. It is very satisfying to do make up/hair for another and get praise back from it. 

Objectively, I think my last post was the result of dropping out of school/society and adopting apathy towards my sense of self. My estrogen and testosterone haven't actually been touched yet, as related by my endo. He's since quadrupled my estrogen intake, though he can't do much with spiro since I have a pituitary tumor.

I rejoined college this semester, though being back around people is even more draining than before. It sucks to have to dissociate again. One spell of dissociation was so strong that I couldn't even remember my family members-- I thought they were holding me hostage and I panicked and emailed my doctor. But yeah, I'm back in a dark place, so this is me venting.

I'm not gonna come on here and give you some high-handed inspiration and flowery hopeful words, or precious advice about therapy, support groups, finding passions, etc. because I am just like you but that kind of feedback doesn't help me because it is not relatable. I actually find it aggravating which is why I stopped going to AA.
I feel better being dark, authentic, and just sit here in the same boat as you.
Deep down what's always bothered me is extreme sexual frustration and loneliness. I've gotten sober, gotten really strong and athletic but nothing cured the frustration especially when I would see so many scantily-clad women around me flaunting their curves and not being able to do anything about it. Eventually I arrived at the point of complete emasculation, and embraced it.
Now my life is in complete meltdown with lots of debt piling up and no motivation to find a job at all, and I do feel like I'm circling the drain and headed towards suicide, so I'm dealing with it by spending money insanely on drugs and distractions and anything that gives me a temporary uplift to "make the most of my life" as I'm quickly burning down. I've been locked into this mentality for a while now, which has made me shameless about crossdressing. In fact I am dreaming of transition as a way to erase myself and be reborn as someone new but I don't think its possible, suicide is a lot more likely than pulling a permanent successful sex change and living life as a beautiful female, I don't see it happening, so unrealistic. So I go on living in this isolated dream fantasy. I'm an alcoholic but I'm also a health freak so in order to cope, I exercise a lot, eat really well and spend time admiring myself in the mirror. 

Quote from: Swanson777 on February 13, 2019, 11:14:24 AM
I actually find it aggravating which is why I stopped going to AA.
I feel better being dark, authentic, and just sit here in the same boat as you.


I'm dealing with it by spending money insanely on drugs

I'm not going to sugar coat it.  IMO you need to get to a meeting.

Madison, you asked:

" What do people see here that makes them want to stick around? "

What I SAW (past tense) was hurt, fear, anxiety, being put down, let down, kicked, stabbed, left out out in the cold. My "previous" life was a place I wanted nothing to do with. Like other trans sisters here, back in the 1980's-1990's transitioning was something only rich people could attempt, often with inferior results. Today much less money is required and better results attained.

Today, what do I SEE (present tense)... I see a new life, new tomorrows. I get to smell a rose in a pretty dress in sunshine...for the 1st time in my life. I get to pick my friends, boyfriends and future husband. I get to have coffee with my girlfriends and talk about our lives....for the first time in my life. I get the opportunity to be looked at by some incredibly good looking man, knowing he wants my number (and I just might give him a chance to make a great 1st impression).... I get to paint my toenails while watching tv with my hair in a towel while I can smell the fragrance of my conditioner...for the 1st time in my life as a woman....

all these things I get to experience because I've found life as a woman is a BILLION times better than being remembered. I cry tears of happiness not tears of sorrow. I hope you can find this kind of happiness.

I'd love to show you how.

Sophia

Quote from: Janes Groove on February 13, 2019, 11:41:07 AM
I'm not going to sugar coat it.  IMO you need to get to a meeting.

Aw why. That's not nice.
Why is that I come here looking for people to relate to, and all I get is precious advice?
Anyways, I'll upload some pictures soon, might not show my face quite yet. But I do want to share my physical appearance with the world. I've been hidden and locked away for so long!

You know, I've been there. Even recently. Loneliness is toxic, and it really digs at what and who you are sometimes. People are social animals, we need companionship. And if you're going through issues with natural hormones (whether you realize that's the issue or not) it can make you want to just crawl out of your skin and die.

For me, suicidal thoughts were a normal thing as a teenager. I think I liked some of the reaction I got from people by bringing it up. The shock and horror of it. The reassurances felt good, sometimes. But, I think other times, I was dead serious. I really did think it out. Scenarios down to the time of day, and how much property damage it would cause. I had this exercise I would do, where I wrote out suicide letters every so often addressed to the people I liked or thought about occasionally. Girls I might have had a thing for, or been with at one point in time, mainly. The occasional mentor.

But you know, talking about it really helps. Telling people how I fellt, and finding my safe spaces. Places I could go without risking the judgement of others. Sometimes, this was with or around other kids that were feeling the same way I was. There's something to be said for having people you can be miserable with. As long as you're all miserable together.

I was into cutting and burning for a while. I still do it sometimes, when I'm feeling totally stressed out and overwhelmed. Not advocating it, just sayin'.

I don't want to tell you it gets better, because that's a stupid cliche, and everybody says it. It's like the first thing that people who aren't really serious tell you when they don't really care. But it does. All you gotta do is keep communicating. Get it all out. If nothing else, it gives you time to reflect, which is positive. Nobody here is going to judge you.

@Swanson I won't comment one way or the other. I do like to embrace nihilism, but the warmth I get from my family every time I fall back down keeps me carrying on somehow...

@Sophia thanks for sharing your experience. Im going to keep popping the HRT pills and see what happens...

@Monica thanks. I'm going to get some sleep and I'll try venting some more tomorrow.

Quote from: Swanson777 on February 13, 2019, 07:42:28 PM
That's not nice.

What's nice got to do with it?  You're feeling suicidal and drugging.  That combination doesn't end well.  You need help.  Not enabling.
I say this from experience.  I tried to kill myself in 1984 when I was EXACTLY where you are now.

We've all been there. I don't think there's anyone here that hasn't. Sort of comes with the territory. People cope in different ways. You survived, she'll be fine. But it is a sensitive topic.

Quote from: Madison2002 on October 23, 2018, 02:56:23 PMI've never had any goals in life, aside from wanting to be pretty, and attractive to others. I feel like my sexual market value will be depleted by then, even if I can passably transition.

There is more to life than being eye candy for others. It's up to you to find out what that is though. Try new things and see if you can find enjoyment in them. Sometimes you don't know what really fires you up until you encounter it. So try things. 

However the idea that suicide is an inevitability is not a new or horrifying concept to me. I've always felt I could survive anything except if someday my conscience decides it's had enough. This is because I have a "me vs the world" mentality and life has always felt a battleground. I'll never give in to "other people" or to what "life" throws at me. I'm here out of biological autonomy and/or spite for how irritating life has been. But I have no defenses if I decide someday I'm my own enemy.

Or if I decide one day I'm bored of living. Which might happen. I get the feeling when it happens I will know and nothing will stop it. It doesn't upset me though. I'm not here for much other than to experience a few more things before it's time to go, and to see if I can learn a few more things or see things from other perspectives. Or experience a few ambitions happen. I think there's only so far a person can go on their own before they need others to enrich their life. I think I pretty much know all about myself, unless there's some new depths of personal torment life has to show me.   

I am coming to this late... sorry.

As a teenager, I always thought that I would not live to reach 30. I was already to go when I was 17/18... wrote my note, passed it to a former friend, was all set for ending it that night on my way home from work. But a complete stranger intervened, she expressed that she was concerned for me and invited me to join her group of friends if I was feeling lonely. She saved me life.

Now I am in my 40s. Life hasn't been easy but it has given me some wonderful experiences. I still fight depression on a daily basis. I'm not suicidal because I know there are people in the world who care about me, even if they don't show it always. I went to my local trans group last October and it was one of the best things to happen in my life. Once more, a group of complete strangers showing me compassion and caring about me. A group of people who have since become dear friends and who understand exactly where I am now in my life.

I don't have any money to buy clothes, a wig, or make up... I barely have enough to put a roof over my head and pay for food... but nobody judges me for presenting male. They understand. It takes me time to buy things, but eventually I got myself an outfit together of sorts... it means wearing the same clothes every Tuesday night but again, nobody judges.

It is a wonderful space to spend 2 hours chatting and most of the time nothing to do with trans issues. But when you need information or support, they are there to give it. However, it is just lovely to meet up with friends and have a chat.

And yes, for a while, I had internal transphobia to cope with... you don't spend 40+ years hiding from the world and suddenly feel comfortable being open about being trans. It took me a while to be comfortable being seen in public with members of the group and I beat myself up a lot about that. I've never felt being so ashamed of myself. But nobody judges... most of them have had to deal with the same fears. Now I am fine and being at the group and visiting the group weekly helped me overcome that internal transphobia and helped me become more comfortable about myself and being with my people, my friends. It takes time but you get there in the end.

So what I am trying to say in a very long winded way (because that's who I am, why say a few words when you can write a novel?)... is get yourself to your local trans meeting. Hopefully you will find a bunch of wonderful people like I did. A group of people that I'm proud to call friends. But give it time... these things don't happen over night. The first meeting you will likely be sitting in a corner trying to hide... I've heard that most groups (mine included) will have people who will come to you and help you feel more comfortable and accepted while giving you your space to assess what is happening.

It will help you socialise with people, give you a support network, and give you some friends so that you don't feel lonely all the time.

The other thing I can't recommend enough, is take up hiking for a hobby. Start off small, just go for a one mile walk every day as part of an exercise regime... you will have to force yourself to do it. After a month, double it to two miles. Then start doing 5 miles once a week. After 3 months, get yourself some decent footwear and a backpack, it doesn't have to be expensive... you can add gear as you go... the important thing is to get outdoors and walking. Start small and build your way up. After a year, try and get out once a week for a whole day. Once you've built up the fitness, you don't need to go every day. Honestly, you will feel the benefits. It is better than any drug they give you.

But in the meanwhile, if you ever need to chat to someone, you can pm me here. I am more than happy to be your friend but I would urge you to find your local trans group and attend meetings. It will take time to get to know people, but you will. One last thing, there will be people there who you are first don't like much and it will appear that they don't like you either... give it time... you will be surprised. Remember you have walls up protecting you, and so do some of the people at the group... eventually those walls will come down and friends will be made.

love and hugs
Alice 🐰

Can a mod please change the title of this thread to something more uplifting please? Like "Madison's Transition".

Suicide doesn't feel like an inevitability anymore. The apathy sort of gave way to bittersweet sadness. Estrogen has made me emotionally needy lately, especially with the knowledge that I'll be graduating college in a few months. I used to be completely content doing solitary activities, but now I feel the need to spend all of my time with my grandparents and friends and bond with them. I get lonely now, which never really happened before. All the emotions are real :' )

But yeah, this is my journal entry for today.

Ask and you get retitled  ;D

Mkay, well I wasn't expecting for my boobs to get this big this fast. Now I have an existential crisis every night when I choke down these green things...

Oh I love your post. I can relate to so much of it. I'm also constantly suicidal. But after some attempts I've discovered that suicide is a really, really hard thing to actually pull off. The body wants to live. You want to live. I want to live, every cell of our corporeal tangible body-essence simply wants to live.

It doesn't care about money, status, or power, it wants to live simply for the sake of being alive.

With that in mind... money, status, social media status, or power doesn't have any influence on the fact that regardless of my self-loathing and my shame, at the end of the day, my body wants a good workout, a good meal, and enough stimulation so that I ought to go to sleep peacefully and see another day.

When I simplify things to food-money-shelter, it becomes much easier.

I always remember that I could always commit suicide, I have what I need to do it but there's no rush. If I can embrace a surreal form of femininity and fall in love with what I see in the mirror, than why not go through with it, completely, even to an extreme, before  I embrace my death? Suicidal feelings can open all sorts of new doors,

So just like you, I am suicidal but I realize that there is so much fun to be had and and so much entertainment in the world, so why rush it? Just take it slow and enjoy my radical embrace of femininity, and see where it takes me, for better or for worse. I could always kill myself eventually but there's no need to instantaneously jump to that conclusion, you dig what I'm saying???

Yuss, you are absolutely right about your cells screaming to live. Those bastards! They have it so easy, just sitting around  dividin' n' whatnot. Why can't I just be conscious of some random striated muscle cell in my left arm or something? All I'd have to do then is expand n' contract a lil bit. Sure, there's some glycolysis, Kreb's cycle crap to deal with, but for the most part I could just chill out and homeostase all day, and let the big bitch upstairs keep her gender dysphoria crap.