Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone. The rest of the world still knows me as Mike. I'm 45, I live in Pennsylvania. It's only in the past week or so that I've started contemplating a MTF transition.

I grew up in a very traditional household. I was never particularly athletic or a "guy's guy". I tended to like things more traditionally feminine, but got picked on a bullied a lot for "being a ->-bleeped-<-". So, ironically, I stayed away from those likes. I was also attracted to girls at the time, so ... not being sure of my own identity (although I don't even know if I could even think about such things in those terms just then) made things confusing.

I've muddled my way through a traditional identity so far, even if it's never felt quite right. I'm married to a woman who I love very, very much. We have a great seven-year-old daughter. In terms of my family life, things are great. In terms of myself, not so much. Sometimes I manage to convince myself that I'm fine. I'm not, really.

I work in the HR department of a large company as a data analyst – somewhat ironically, diversity & inclusion is one of my main project areas. It's been this work over the past few years that's opened my eyes to the transgender community, and what other transgender people go through in their lives. It's been eye-opening for me in many ways.

I'm reasonably sure that if I came out, my marriage is done. I could be wrong and pleasantly surprised by a different outcome, but I don't think so. I think she would be supportive – eventually, and we'd be able to parent our daughter together, but it would otherwise end our relationship. And I really worry how my daughter would deal with it – not so much my change, but having her mommy and daddy separate. (This also doesn't include how the rest of my family would deal with it – I suspect my older sister would be great, my parents not so much).

So, it's there. A lot changes if I make a first step. And I don't know if I want all that change.

I don't how much more I can look in the mirror every morning and look at something that seems more and more like a lie, either.

The past few months, I've started crossdressing. At home, when no one's around. I haven't been able to bring myself to go out in public just yet. (I've also had terrible self-image and self-esteem issues, which doesn't help.) I feel right when I do this at home, though. It feels like such a step in the right direction, like I'm finally getting closer to being who I'm really am. And it's why the idea of actually transitioning doesn't seem crazy to me anymore.

Anyway, this is me, as of now. I'm planning on seeking some counseling to figure out my next steps. I'll write them here when I figure out what they are.

@MichelleStar
Dear Michelle:
I am most pleased that you have decided to join the site and come to the Susan's Place Forums.
Thank you for writing your very first interesting and very detail posting telling us about yourself.... other members will be along to offer their thoughts and comments in response to your specific questions and concerns..

This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    Please allow me to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***It's a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
I have included information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:

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Hi Michelle  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Michelle!

As you said, that IS a lot of changes. Big changes. You've heard the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time? Same with changes. Break them up into teensy pieces, and then they'll be easy to knock down like bowling pins.

We all look forward to celebrating each change with you.

Thank you very kindly Moonflower, and everyone who took the time to welcome me. I'm very glad I found this place. Reading about the experiences of others, and just having a place to say (or type) what's on my mind ... it's very helpful.

I scheduled my first appointment with a gender counselor during my lunch hour today. I'm looking forward to it, no matter what comes from it. I will be sure to check in here after that's done, and when I can start figuring out some next steps.