Susan's Place Transgender Resources

First, the positive news: After waiting for months, my first appointment with a doctor who specializes in trans issues is coming up in weeks.

With that, I want to unleash the TMI list of concerns I mentioned in my introduction, in no particular order. Maybe others' dealings with the same issues will help put me more at ease.

• I'm too tall (6') and broad-shouldered. Those prom dresses I mentioned? Can't zip up the backs anymore.
• I'm too hairy...and too bald. Covered here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240321.0.html).
• My voice. I hate the sound of my voice. It's too deep and male. I fear I could never even get it to neutral. Mom has been sir'd more than once on the phone, so I didn't get any help there. Stupid jawline too.
• I'm an introvert's introvert. I am a geek with no friends. My parents are convinced I have Asperger's. It is not uncommon for me to spend the entire day in my apartment and not speak to a human outside of work or going in/out of the gym. How much of this is driven by my hatred of my male body, I don't know. Frankly, being around people is bad enough, but the bigger issue may be that I refuse to be around alcohol.
• I have no support system IRL. Every support group in a three-hour radius meets at times incompatible with my work schedule.
• I'm too poor. I work in a low-pay industry. Insurance doesn't cover gender dysphoria. And, of course, being a woman isn't cheap. FFS is not in the budget.
• I'm worried it won't work. Seeing the success stories amplifies my dysphoria. Would knowing my body is changing lift my decades of depression?
• The plumbing. I would rather be rid of the twig-and-berries, but at the same time, that's the only way I can get pleasure out of my miserable existence. OTOH, if I didn't have the desire, it sure would free up plenty of time.
• I fear failing Girl 101. I haven't the foggiest idea about makeup. Mom only wears foundation, never even had her ears pierced. None of my gestures say "girl". I have none of the stereotypical traits about female socialization (see above). I have none of the life experiences that women have.
• I'm too old. I'm in my late 30s and fear it's too late for enough changes to happen to my body. Passing would be important to me. I fear my features will not feminize enough for me to be comfortable or happy.
• What if this is all a fever dream from a virgin loser? I have never been on a date, never held hands, never been kissed. I couldn't put myself out there because (among other issues) I envy the women. I want to wear their outfits. I want the typical female role, to be the pursued, the prey. (Yes, I have read Alaskan Danielle's entire saga.) What if my feeling I'm supposed to be a woman is because I'm a catastrophic failure as a man? Or...is that kind of the point?

Too tall? I am 6" 1' and wear women's size 13 shoes! Some women, like weightlifters (my daughter!), have broad shoulders too.

Too hairy? I think Sasquatch and I were related. HRT helps with a lot of body hair, while laser and electrolysis can get the rest. Many women, cis and trans, wear wigs.

Voice? There are many videos online which can help, which is how I learned to train my voice. It no longer gives me away. There are some contouring tricks with makeup that can help with your jawline.

Introvert? I used to be. Usually alone, one of the wallflowers at every dance I was forced to go to. I was the quiet one, and a geek. I build my own PC's (still do), and work in IT with mainframe computers!

Support system? I never attended any support groups. I started HRT about seven months before I contacted a therapist. My wife was mad as hell, and my family lives 1000 miles away. Susan's Place was my support group.

Poor? Unfortunately that will slow you down. I know of at least one young lady who was kicked out of her house when she came out. She has been on her own for years without family support or a degree. She did not let that stop her. If you want it, you will find a way.

Worried about success? Before I started HRT I looked in the mirror and told myself that I was going to be an ugly woman, but my other option was ever increasing rage which would have eventually killed me, so I decided to give it a try. I am happier now that I have ever been in my life.

Plumbing? I want to get rid of mine too and have scheduled GCS. However within a year of starting HRT my libido was gone, no desire for sex, but I don't miss it either. Right now those parts just cause a little discomfort while tucking, for the most part I ignore them.

Being a girl? I NEVER fully dressed until a month before I went full time. The ladies at Merle Norman Cosmetics showed me some basics, and they pierced my ears. I have gotten many compliments about my makeup. Just watch other women, but don't be creepy about it. You will pick up on the cues soon enough.

Too old? I already answered one of these today! There are many on these forums who started in the 50's and 60's, a few even later! Check my avatar and take a guess how old I am. I was 54 when I started, now I'm 56! The only surgery so far was a trachea shave.

Virgin loser? There is only one person I ever slept with, and that did not occur until our wedding night. After 34 years she is still my loving wife. I make a much better woman than a man, so maybe you have a valid point! I always wanted to wear their beautiful clothes too, and now I wear MY clothes!

Did I miss anything? Love always -- Jessica Rose

^
This.
Hey, you do this for yourself. You don't need to match other's expectations. So, forget about stereotypical traits, girl experience and etc. You can learn most of this stuff if you really need that.
What you need is check if you're in safe position where no one can hit you hard and where you can afford all neccessary meds and shopping, and, maybe, some mechanism of dealing with fear and building determination.

Thank you for the responses. I'm just such a big ball of self-doubt that I worry about everything I'm thinking about doing. My response to not transitioning would not be rage, just continued depression and withdrawal from the world. (Not that the latter would necessarily change!)

"You will pick up on the cues soon enough" is perhaps the hardest thing to believe. I am a complete idiot when it comes to social skills and interaction. But maybe not having to think about what I would have to do as a male will help. I don't know.

My anger and rage were getting closer and closer to ending my life, and possibly the lives of others. It came down to a choice between doing something I thought was impossible and ending my life. I decided to try the impossible. It is amazing how much your world opens up once you do something you thought was impossible!

I posted a video about my journey in this thread, you may want to watch it.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,241752.msg2186579.html#msg2186579

As far as picking up on the cues... we tend to ignore things until they become important to us. Learning to act and behave like a woman takes time, but you will figure it out because it is now important to you!

There are many people in these forums who had the same concerns and self-doubt, but they were able to overcome these issues and become the person they always wanted to be. Taken as a whole it does look impossible, but taken one small piece at a time it is not as hard as you think. A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. You can do this if you really want it, and we will be here to help.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Jennifer, I can so relate!  That is how I was for most of my life.

You are certainly not too old to transition.  I started when I was 62.  I am now 64.  In less than two years, I am starting to find that I am passing.  Not just visually, but even in conversation, I have had evidence that people didn't catch on that I am trans.  If I can do that in my mid sixties, there is plenty of hope for you in your thirties.

You ask if the reason you want to be a woman is because you didn't succeed as a man.  I would be willing to bet that it is the other way around.  It certainly was for me.  I couldn't succeed as a man because I was a woman all along.

Makeup and socialization can be learned.  There are a million makeup videos on YouTube.  Socialization will come more naturally once you are not hiding.  I will always be an introvert - that's just who I am - but with the freedom to be myself, I have opened up considerably, especialy to women.  That goes along with discovering that I just don't like men much at all. 

If this old dog can learn new tricks, so can you.

I'm reposting in this thread because, after having told my parents, there are a lot of questions they have, and it's worth continued evaluation if it will help me out with them. I know I'm asking a lot to see if other members have had the same experiences that I have, but I think anecdotal evidence, or links, would help me out.

(Note: I am well aware that not all females have certain "conventional" interests, but the vast majority do, and that mindset is what I'm dealing with.)

As a child, I didn't show interest in girl stuff, no girls' toys, nothing. (Except for mermaids, but there wasn't anything I showed on that externally.) I can't speak for my mindset at the time. I didn't even know the word "transsexual" until I was 15, but that wouldn't have changed my interests - which today in some cases tilt so male I literally know of no female participants. (Put it this way: It's unique enough that explaining it would be self-doxxing.) Are there other members here who did not have feminine inclinations until adolescence? Does late-onset gender dysphoria make it less so?

Over and over again last week, I heard "you didn't show any signs." Did others here have the same issue as the world saw them? Keep in mind, until two weeks ago my parents believed that a diagnosis of Asperger's explained everything. "You don't know social cues," Mom yelled at me.

Did anyone else not care much about their male appearance (always get told to comb my hair), and was there a change in attitude as transition progressed? Is not caring about male appearance - and not being particularly interested in makeup moving forward - a sign I'm NOT trans?

As a child, I wanted to play football, and in high school was on the team but my bad eyesight/skills kept me on the bench. But I remember, in high school, not wanting to get big. I'm guessing some people here were involved in things considered heavily masculine (including Boy Scouts). I have heard stories about MTFs who went a hyper-masculine route before realizing they couldn't do it anymore - but how common is it?

Did anyone else hate having their picture taken? And was it because of being photographed as a male?

"If I can't beat 'em, join 'em" - Does this idea hold any water? Meaning, given my social isolation, am I simply so desperate for ANYTHING in the feminine realm that my brain has settled on this as an answer?

What causes me most distress: Having body hair, going bald, not having breasts, not being able to express myself with women's clothing. I use the male equipment I have for the relief I need, but don't like it. And I wish I could get pregnant. To me, those are signs of being transgender. Aside from the baldness, which no man wants, am I off base?

When I put everything together, I see three possibilities: I am transgender, I [subject matter forbidden here], or I am an incel whose brain was broken by one rejection in high school and went off the deep end.

I KNOW that if I do not transition, I will spend the rest of my life as I am now, alone socially, wondering what might have been, growing more despondent (and bald) with age. But I would have my family, although now that the dam has been breached I honestly don't know how much things can go back to the way they used to be. I THINK that transitioning will make me more comfortable in the body I have. I just can't do it at the cost of my immediate family and risk complete isolation. Does being so scared to transition without any support, and choosing unhappiness, mean my gender dysphoria isn't "enough" to transition?

Jennifer, are you seeing a therapist?  Because these are questions that it would be beneficial to ask one.  However, I'll do my best.

Most of the stuff you are concerned about doesn't mean anything at all.  Childhood interests don't mean much.  We take cues from our parents and play with the toys they buy for us. 

I never cared much about my male appearance.  I kept my appearance within regulations when I was in the military.  After that, I combed my hair, that's about it.  What's the point of looking good when you have to wear drab clothes?  I grew a beard and a ponytail because I was lazy.  (Well, that, and a girl shouldn't have to shave, but that thought wasn't conscious at the time.)  Nowadays, I still don't care much about makeup.  I use it to cover up flaws like beard shadow and electrolysis burns, but I don't spend hours studying YouTube videos or practising.

I don't know about hyper-masculinization, but my beard certainly was effective camouflage.  Like many MTF folks, I joined the military to "man up".  We tend to serve at about twice the rate of the general population.

Quote from: Jennifer M on December 10, 2018, 11:30:22 AM
What causes me most distress: Having body hair, going bald, not having breasts, not being able to express myself with women's clothing. I use the male equipment I have for the relief I need, but don't like it. And I wish I could get pregnant. To me, those are signs of being transgender. Aside from the baldness, which no man wants, am I off base?

That doesn't sound off-base at all.  That sounds to me like a typical case of gender dysphoria.

Quote
I just can't do it at the cost of my immediate family and risk complete isolation.

Well, it sounds like you might have burned that bridge already.  Sorry they aren't supportive.

Quote
Does being so scared to transition without any support, and choosing unhappiness, mean my gender dysphoria isn't "enough" to transition?

No.  All of us have been scared.  I was so scared that I couldn't admit even to myself that I was trans for decades!  Yet the first time I talked to a mental health professional about it (at age 62), he said, "Don't worry, this won't take long.  You are as trans as they come."  Being scared doesn't mean that you aren't trans, or that you aren't "trans enough", whatever that means.  It just means that you aren't ready right now.

Quote from: Jennifer M on November 04, 2018, 08:36:28 PM
First, the positive news: After waiting for months, my first appointment with a doctor who specializes in trans issues is coming up in weeks.

With that, I want to unleash the TMI list of concerns I mentioned in my introduction, in no particular order. Maybe others' dealings with the same issues will help put me more at ease.

• I'm too tall (6') and broad-shouldered. Those prom dresses I mentioned? Can't zip up the backs anymore.
• I'm too hairy...and too bald. Covered here (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240321.0.html).
• My voice. I hate the sound of my voice. It's too deep and male. I fear I could never even get it to neutral. Mom has been sir'd more than once on the phone, so I didn't get any help there. Stupid jawline too.
• I'm an introvert's introvert. I am a geek with no friends. My parents are convinced I have Asperger's. It is not uncommon for me to spend the entire day in my apartment and not speak to a human outside of work or going in/out of the gym. How much of this is driven by my hatred of my male body, I don't know. Frankly, being around people is bad enough, but the bigger issue may be that I refuse to be around alcohol.
• I have no support system IRL. Every support group in a three-hour radius meets at times incompatible with my work schedule.
• I'm too poor. I work in a low-pay industry. Insurance doesn't cover gender dysphoria. And, of course, being a woman isn't cheap. FFS is not in the budget.
• I'm worried it won't work. Seeing the success stories amplifies my dysphoria. Would knowing my body is changing lift my decades of depression?
• The plumbing. I would rather be rid of the twig-and-berries, but at the same time, that's the only way I can get pleasure out of my miserable existence. OTOH, if I didn't have the desire, it sure would free up plenty of time.
• I fear failing Girl 101. I haven't the foggiest idea about makeup. Mom only wears foundation, never even had her ears pierced. None of my gestures say "girl". I have none of the stereotypical traits about female socialization (see above). I have none of the life experiences that women have.
• I'm too old. I'm in my late 30s and fear it's too late for enough changes to happen to my body. Passing would be important to me. I fear my features will not feminize enough for me to be comfortable or happy.
• What if this is all a fever dream from a virgin loser? I have never been on a date, never held hands, never been kissed. I couldn't put myself out there because (among other issues) I envy the women. I want to wear their outfits. I want the typical female role, to be the pursued, the prey. (Yes, I have read Alaskan Danielle's entire saga.) What if my feeling I'm supposed to be a woman is because I'm a catastrophic failure as a man? Or...is that kind of the point?

Wow, That looks like my list of fears.

I'm wishing you all the best.

Lisa