Susan's Place Transgender Resources

As some may be aware, I've been part of a running group comprised of only cis- women and myself.  Three out of four know of my transgender status, my wife, my best friend and one that was described as alternative friendly.  Unfortunately my bestie and the other gal have grown skittish in interacting with 'Jessica' because of their relationship with my wife.  I understand, though it does hurt to be only thought of my wife's husband instead of the friend I felt I was.
My bestie told me she was done with Jess, but still wanted to be friends.  I feel that when she said your my friends husband only, it negated our personal friendship and moved it to one of acquaintance.  How do I come to terms with that?  To be shunned in one degree but welcomed in another.  How can I feel comfortable with these women that professed total support then yank it out from under your feet? 
My wife no longer runs because of a necessary hip replacement.  She was the bond that drew us together as a running group.  Though I've been asked to run in an upcoming reoccurring race, I feel out of place.  The woman that asked me to was the one that does not know.  The other two were silent.  The only response I've gotten to group training is 'I haven't the time'.
Do I abandon the group I've run with for the last 3-4 years?
Do I move on and avoid uncomfortable moments?
Honestly, I think I will have trouble looking in the eyes of those I feel betrayed my friendship, though my love for them was and is real.

🤷‍♀️ Jessica

I don't know that I am suited to respond.

My first thought was .. don't do it. Let them know that a friendship based on 'husband of' is not acceptable.
My second thought was .. do it, stay Jessica. They'll come around or not, it's up to them.

Ultimately, it's your feelings and comfort that should guide you, not theirs.

Quote from: Faith on November 08, 2018, 10:37:40 AM
I don't know that I am suited to answer.

My first thought was .. don't do it. Let them know that a friendship based on 'husband of' is not acceptable.
My second thought was .. do it, stay Jessica. They'll come around or not, it's up to them.

Ultimately, it's your feelings and comfort that should guide you, not theirs.

Well @Faith unfortunately those are the exact thoughts that bounce around inside my head.
The race is in May (B2B) and is a local/international favorite.  I have several other races I'm signed up for beforehand.  So in the interim, I'm considering shelving my emotions on the matter and see how it plays out in the near future.  If the status of our relationship doesn't change I will bow out of the group but still do the event.  I always am placed in a faster corral and would just avoid them.

Hugs, Jess

Quote from: Jessica on November 08, 2018, 10:34:04 AM
As some may be aware, I've been part of a running group comprised of only cis- women and myself.  Three out of four know of my transgender status, my wife, my best friend and one that was described as alternative friendly.  Unfortunately my bestie and the other gal have grown skittish in interacting with 'Jessica' because of their relationship with my wife.  I understand, though it does hurt to be only thought of my wife's husband instead of the friend I felt I was.
My bestie told me she was done with Jess, but still wanted to be friends.  I feel that when she said your my friends husband only, it negated our personal friendship and moved it to one of acquaintance.  How do I come to terms with that?  To be shunned in one degree but welcomed in another.  How can I feel comfortable with these women that professed total support then yank it out from under your feet? 
My wife no longer runs because of a necessary hip replacement.  She was the bond that drew us together as a running group.  Though I've been asked to run in an upcoming reoccurring race, I feel out of place.  The woman that asked me to was the one that does not know.  The other two were silent.  The only response I've gotten to group training is 'I haven't the time'.
Do I abandon the group I've run with for the last 3-4 years?
Do I move on and avoid uncomfortable moments?
Honestly, I think I will have trouble looking in the eyes of those I feel betrayed my friendship, though my love for them was and is real.

🤷‍♀️ Jessica

@Jessica
Dear Jess:
I can definitely state that "I feel your pain"  .... before I moved away and relocated to where I am now, I had a wide circle of very good friends that knew me only in my male mode.  Well before I moved away I announced my plans to transition (still not going full-time yet... and still working in my male mode job) and those very good friends, many of which were life-long friends started to drop off one by one.  Eventually none of them to this day accept me as Danielle, and that non-acceptance also unfortunately goes for my family, mom and dad, etc...
While that for me was and still is very hurtful, I decided to move on and make new friends here in my new town in my new life.
I fully understand that your situation is much different with wife and kids... and you have a long established time in your town and your residence, etc...

I think I can understand why some of your wife's friends are leaving you out of their fold, probably they are feeling allegiance for your wife ... and the fact that they don't want to cause jealousy or any other problems in their relationship with your wife...   

If I may I think I am suggesting is that you also find a circle of new friends that do accept you as Jessica.  You certainly possess an outgoing and friendly personality so making  new friends and acquaintances should be something that is imminently successful.  Start with people that you are acquainted with in your running groups, volunteer groups and clubs and expand your "circle" from there.

First and foremost, continue to do as you have been doing and be loving, respectful and understanding of your wife's emotions as she is dealing with your transition and all of this with the running group friends and other issues.

I am just thinking out loud here, so what I am suggesting may not fit your needs and approach at all.... but do know that I am thinking of you as you navigate this mine field of emotions and personal relationships.

I always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on for you.
Hugs and hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Jessica on November 08, 2018, 10:34:04 AM
Do I abandon the group I've run with for the last 3-4 years?

It doesn't sound like you have a choice.  They have abandoned you.

I hope you are able to find a better group to run with.

@Alaskan Danielle @KathyLauren @Michelle_P 

Quote from: Alaskan Danielle on November 08, 2018, 12:35:39 PM
@Jessica
Dear Jess:
I can definitely state that "I feel your pain"  .... before I moved away and relocated to where I am now, I had a wide circle of very good friends that knew me only in my male mode.  Well before I moved away I announced my plans to transition (still not going full-time yet... and still working in my male mode job) and those very good friends, many of which were life-long friends started to drop off one by one.  Eventually none of them to this day accept me as Danielle, and that non-acceptance also unfortunately goes for my family, mom and dad, etc...
While that for me was and still is very hurtful, I decided to move on and make new friends here in my new town in my new life.
I fully understand that your situation is much different with wife and kids... and you have a long established time in your town and your residence, etc...

I think I can understand why some of your wife's friends are leaving you out of their fold, probably they are feeling allegiance for your wife ... and the fact that they don't want to cause jealousy or any other problems in their relationship with your wife...   

If I may I think I am suggesting is that you also find a circle of new friends that do accept you as Jessica.  You certainly possess an outgoing and friendly personality so making  new friends and acquaintances should be something that is imminently successful.  Start with people that you are acquainted with in your running groups, volunteer groups and clubs and expand your "circle" from there.

First and foremost, continue to do as you have been doing and be loving, respectful and understanding of your wife's emotions as she is dealing with your transition and all of this with the running group friends and other issues.

I am just thinking out loud here, so what I am suggesting may not fit your needs and approach at all.... but do know that I am thinking of you as you navigate this mine field of emotions and personal relationships.

I always have an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on for you.
Hugs and hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

Danielle, thank you for your thoughts and concerns.  Yes our situation is different and I do have issues you no longer have to deal with.  To blend into the woodwork (to quote a phrase by Michelle) by escaping an unexceptable past life to a place you are unknown, as you have, can be the best thing that could create a life w/o past pressures.  I am older, and life is fleeting.
Do I do the same and forsake happiness in the hand for that what may be in the bush?  The bush can obscure reality, so it is an unknown.  You have created a bubble on purpose for yourself that others cannot find, and it works for you.  Your reality moved you in that direction, but removed you from past relationships that you cared about.  I'm certain that was extremely hard to do.

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 08, 2018, 12:47:23 PM
It doesn't sound like you have a choice.  They have abandoned you.

I hope you are able to find a better group to run with.

Kathy, I'm more inclined to believe you are correct, but will give them a bit more time for them to be fully out of my life.  Unfortunately, our paths cross often enough with their interacting with my wife and I as a couple, game nights, camping and the like.  I may need to avoid all that also.
That alone may trigger a reconciliation of sorts, but I still would resent them.

Hugs from a California girl

Jessica, Kathy is correct.  I was reading and came to that conclusion before I got to her post.  I agree with Danielle that you need to find your own tribe.  I am close with my two best friends wife's because I've known them forever but I don't look to change my relationship with them, just because...  I had bonded with the guys and they had bonded with my wife.  We still go out together as a group and enjoy ourselves, but they are not my girl friends and I don't see socializing with them separately. 

I think this is one of those "circle of life" things where the relationship with this running group has run its course (no pun intended).   

Hey Jessica,
As a married person for 20 years with shared friends there is definitely a 'thing' where friends of ours are either my good friend or my wifes but never both equally - I suspect this type of dynamic is at play here. The fact that your transgender makes this a lot more complicated to know exactly what else they may be thinking and why.

But I agree with you, let it play out for a bit longer and see what comes up. For your wifes sake I'm sure you'll keep everything amicable what ever else they say or not in future.

Take care,

Sonja.

I'd run with other people, but not with them.