Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Oh my god. I finally found the courage to tell my partner that I am trans. She was totally shocked no surprises there. Not sure how much has sunk in but first take seems supportive or am I just reading that. She asked was I sure and I said yes, asked if I wished to transition and I said yes at that point she said we need to talk later. I have had to go to the work office for an hour or so as I have to do my VAT and collect deliveries. She asked if she could tell her best friend for 40years and my friend for 10 as she also said she needed to talk to someone and I of course said yes. So I expect to go back to, well not sure

Fingers crossed that I have not blown it or be murdered by the best friend, verbally that is
Will post again later about what happens next, but I had to speak out I have bottled it for too long

Now that the cat's out of the bag, make sure you keep the lines of communication open. Congratulations on taking a big step!

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Jessica_K on December 02, 2018, 06:23:04 AM
Oh my god. I finally found the courage to tell my partner that I am trans. She was totally shocked no surprises there. Not sure how much has sunk in but first take seems supportive or am I just reading that. She asked was I sure and I said yes, asked if I wished to transition and I said yes at that point she said we need to talk later. I have had to go to the work office for an hour or so as I have to do my VAT and collect deliveries. She asked if she could tell her best friend for 40years and my friend for 10 as she also said she needed to talk to someone and I of course said yes. So I expect to go back to, well not sure

Fingers crossed that I have not blown it or be murdered by the best friend, verbally that is
Will post again later about what happens next, but I had to speak out I have bottled it for too long

Jessica,

I wish you the best of all possible results for you.   :)

Chrissy

Jessica, congratulations on taking that huge first step!  I remember how hard it was to do.

I wish you all the best from here on.  Whatever happens, keep communicating, both with your partner and with us.

Way to go Jessica! the hardest one is done. I was, hmm quaking is the right term I think, when I told my wife.

Congrats on doing this extremely difficult thing. I hope things go well from here.
Moni

Quote from: Jessica_K on December 02, 2018, 06:23:04 AM
Oh my god. I finally found the courage to tell my partner that I am trans. She was totally shocked no surprises there. Not sure how much has sunk in but first take seems supportive or am I just reading that. She asked was I sure and I said yes, asked if I wished to transition and I said yes at that point she said we need to talk later. I have had to go to the work office for an hour or so as I have to do my VAT and collect deliveries. She asked if she could tell her best friend for 40years and my friend for 10 as she also said she needed to talk to someone and I of course said yes. So I expect to go back to, well not sure

Fingers crossed that I have not blown it or be murdered by the best friend, verbally that is
Will post again later about what happens next, but I had to speak out I have bottled it for too long

Hi Jessica,
                   Your wife has some support right from the word go! This can really help. And yes not putting the feminine self out there too much while it all sinks in can help. Keeping the lines of communication open is important.

Just want to say good on both of you & wishing the very best, Kirsten.

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Jessica, you are following a road many of us have traveled or are still traveling. As other have said, communication is vital. It's been very hard for me to get over the shame I hid for so long and really tell my wife what I am thinking. She still feels left out of my inner world. It is a work in progress.

Remember that you had years to get used to this in yourself, and it probably came into your awareness gradually. But for her it's very sudden. Go slow, and keep checking in.

My wife likes me to discuss cross dressing with her in advance, rather than my presenting already made up.

Good luck and all the best, Randy

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Congratulations and good luck.

Congratulations on taking one of the hardest steps! I hope this works out exceptionally well for you and your fears are without founding! I know when I came out I feared so much, yet it turned out that while many responded the way I expected them to, there were others who floored me with their support. May this be the case here. Good luck

Jessica, scary step, but one worth taking. It's great that she asked you if she can talk to her friend. I see that as a positive sign.

If my experience is anything to go by, you can expect her level of acceptance to vary greatly for the next weeks. But hang in there!

~Dee.

Thank you all for your support it is much appreciated. When I got home it was as nothing had happened, we did our usual Sunday. I didn't push anything but did ask had she contacted her friend and she said not yet but I can understand that as the friend has a busy weekend schedule. I do know that she has arranged a phone call today (Monday) so we shall see. I didn't sleep much last night

It is really bad.

We spoke last night for the first time and I have broken her heart, She is distraught, tears and worst of all She said She loves me as a man and does not think she can love me as a woman.

I love her so much its tearing me apart too thinking that I have upset her so much. Just do not know what to do.

I hate myself for what I am
Its the I have broken her heart that kills me

Big hug! It's rare to get complete, unconditional, acceptance from start to finish. It took you years to come to terms with yourself, she's had days. Be there, listen, listen carefully to her. She's going to need time to process this. She'll vent, she'll scream and pound her fists. Show her that you're still her rock.

Best wishes to both of you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Jessica_K on December 04, 2018, 03:44:01 AM
It is really bad.

We spoke last night for the first time and I have broken her heart, She is distraught, tears and worst of all She said She loves me as a man and does not think she can love me as a woman.

I love her so much its tearing me apart too thinking that I have upset her so much. Just do not know what to do.

I hate myself for what I am
Its the I have broken her heart that kills me

I know how that feels exactly. Keep the routine normal for now. When the opportunity  comes up let her know you love her and dont want to lose her.
Dont push the feminine angle. Just let everything sink  in.
Address the arguments and emotions as they crop up ( from both sides ).

Dropping the bomb is always hard.

Kind regards Kirsten.

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Quote from: Jessica_K on December 04, 2018, 03:44:01 AM
It is really bad.

We spoke last night for the first time and I have broken her heart, She is distraught, tears and worst of all She said She loves me as a man and does not think she can love me as a woman.

I love her so much its tearing me apart too thinking that I have upset her so much. Just do not know what to do.

I hate myself for what I am
Its the I have broken her heart that kills me

A year ago I could have written this same post .. I think that I did.

Be there for her, listen, communicate, answer questions as honestly as you know. If the honest answer is "I Don't Know" then say that. Let her know that she's part of the discovery journey with you, not in spite of.

If you want support from her you have to be ready with support for her.

best wishes
Faith

well done that took alot of courage and i have total respect for you massive weight off your shoulders

Ok it's been a kind of a better day today. I think.

There is a mood change towards me, a bit colder. But being very supportive. I was keeping a low profile and first thing this morning she said that I should make a GP appointment. Which I did for early January next year with the senior practice partner GP at the surgery, hence the long wait.

I am still an emotional wreck. Bursting into tears when I think of what I am doing to my partner then feeling relief and happiness that I can finally start being me. It's like the devil on one shoulder and angel on the other

Our friend and hubby is going to visit on Friday, the one she had confided in, but annoying I am in London that day, so may miss them, not intentionally as it would be nice to at least talk before we meet up again on Sunday in a public engagement so not the easiest environment to talk in

See what tomorrow brings

Thats all you can do. My wife eventually decided after the physical changes became obvious that She couldn't do it. It was hard at first, but you have to be who you are and sadly sometimes you lose people. I hope your wife is more adaptable.

This has been my story, twice. The first was last June when I came out to my girlfriend of nine months....I had attempted to transition two years prior but had stopped out of fear...Laura wouldn't go away though, so I confided in my girlfriend that I wanted to begin transitioning again, hoping she would accept me. Her reaction was swift, calling me an ugly woman and stating that she wanted to marry a "real man."

Since then, I've been off and on HRT many times, always stopping out of fear of being rejected by family and friends. I know I'll always be closeted, although I do want to continue electrolysis and have FFS. I many be closeted, but I need desperately to pass. I stopped HRT in October and joined Match to look for a partner. I had previously joined Match as Laura, hoping to find a lesbian partner. It didn't take long, though, to discover that lesbians want no part of being in a relationship with a trans woman. I found my current, now ex-girlfriend, in November and I found, in her, someone I could love the rest of my life and was so happy that she felt the same towards me. After our second date, I told her about Laura and that while I was willing to compromise about parts of my transition, Laura was a part of me.....My girlfriend was taken aback, but accepted me....However, after spending several nights with me last week, she confided that she was shocked to see that I was wearing panties...At this point, I'd not dressed as Laura for her, but I had continued to wear women's jeans and tops. Yesterday, she presented an ultimatum. If I would be only my male self, she would love me the rest of her life. I was willing to sacrifice the majority of my transitioning in exchange for the ability to at least dress part time, but even this was too much for her...

So, my heart aches as well...The few transwomen here whose partners accept them are the exception, not the rule. Our price for being our true selves is to be alone the rest of our lives.

Quote from: lauraelliott1951 on December 06, 2018, 11:11:32 AM
Yesterday, she presented an ultimatum. If I would be only my male self, she would love me the rest of her life. I was willing to sacrifice the majority of my transitioning in exchange for the ability to at least dress part time, but even this was too much for her...

So, my heart aches as well...The few transwomen here whose partners accept them are the exception, not the rule. Our price for being our true selves is to be alone the rest of our lives.

Hi Laura,

I want to say something positive and upbeat to balance your conclusion, without ignoring the reality of your situation. It sounds so hard.

I am not in your situation and have a partner who is one of the exceptions, but it it still painful reading your story.

Maybe you will find an exception too.

~Dee.

Laura,

I may have lost my wife, but have found another (in fact there were several options) so you don't have to be alone for the rest of your life. Its a hard decision to accept that a wife of 15 years can't go the rest of the way with me but the reality is I had to get on with life. Fight for what you have, but if the reality of what you have to do means things change its not the end, its a new beginning!

This morning she was in tears again, saying "she wants it back how it was, would she be willing to stay with me in the future?, where would she go?, she was in shock".

I love her so much I am now thinking I cannot go on with it. I have suppressed my true gender all of my near 66 years. Can I continue suppressing it for the rest of my life?

I do not want to be with anyone else and although I could live alone, I know she could not, she would have nowhere to go and not enough income to live independent and I would lose her family that I have grown to love. I know this is the typical separation scenario, but I cannot do this to her. If she cannot come to terms with us living together in some way over time and it comes to that I will do everything in my power to keep her even suppression.


Our friends are coming this afternoon, maybe things will get at a little bit of prospective.

"The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief."

It's going to take awhile. There's no magic wand to wave here, honey.

Hi Jessica,  your situation sounds really difficult.  Have you two considered going to couples therapy or something similar?  An objective 3rd party may really help to sort things out.  It's not easy and it takes some time but I think it would be beneficial. 

When we decide to come out and possibly seek to transition full time, and we have a committed partner, we ask a lot of them.  It's a whole lot for them to digest, think about, or consider.  Reverse it and think how it would affect you.  If we are honest with ourselves, most of us  would have a similar reaction to our partners as they generally have with us. 

It's going to take time for sure.  And I seriously think an objective trained 3rd party would really help both of you out in moving forward.  Regardless, you take care. 

Jessica,

I feel your pain.  I am so sorry for what you are struggling with.  Much of it matches what I am going through in my life, as my wife of 35 years is grappling with the complete me rather than the partial me she has been (relatively) content with for so many years.  I sometimes feel all trans women should have Sophie as part of their name, because the choices seem so  agonizing. Unfortunately, our spouses cannot understand we are going through internally  All they see is a wrecking ball sweeping through their life.  Being trans places you to at least some extent in the LGBT community, and that has to be  difficult for a straight, conventional spouse (like mine).  I don't know what is going to happen with me.  I don't know that I could stuff this female genie back in the bottle no matter how hard I tried. As you wrestle with this, please listen to your heart and remember that your needs are as important as hers.  It sounds like she hasn't had long to digest it.  Maybe time is your ally here. I hope so.

I am so very sad but I can not show it
After a long talk I have decided that I need to save my partnership. It was obvious she could never accept me as a woman and was such a mess I just could not put her through it anymore.
But now I have to contend with the fact that I can never be openly me and finding that difficult

On the plus side she has accepted that I am transgender but have to stay male, I do have my long nails as a open show of my femininity along with no body hair so maybe overtime I can make subtle changes but no HRT

Oh Jessica. That is terrible news. I want to say some magic advice, but I don't know that is.

It has been 10 days since you posted about coming out. That is not a very long amount of time for your partner to come to terms with you as transgender.

You have planted a seed. Maybe she will have a conversation with someone in the months to come, or meet a person that changes her thinking.

You have spent years living as a male, maybe you need to do that for a little longer. Maybe months, maybe years.

My wife was once transphobic. She thought trans women have a mental illness and are men dressing up etc, you get the idea, but events happened (not my doing) which changed her thinking.

Maybe, just maybe, a miracle will happen for you too.

Take care and don't give up on being who you are.

~Dee.

She is not transphobic and that is good. She understands and accepts that people are transgender and that I am one of them but she could never, ever, live as a lesbian as she sees it, loving a woman even if a transwoman, and that is how she thinks the relationship would be if I transitioned.

Yes only been out for a week or so but it might as well been a lifetime she will never think different.

It is most likely that you are right. If that means you choose not to transition because you are committed to her and the relationship, then that is what you have to do.

It is just who I am, to never say never and always keep the door open for changes. But I appreciate right now that possibility is remote, and realistically not going to happen. To be honest, my relationship is one of the rare exceptions, and so my view is rose-tinted.

Regardless of what's next, for your own health some counselling will be a helpful. The stress of what you are going through is off the charts, and external support will help.

~Dee.

Congratulations sweetie! Hope you guys live a long life together [emoji3590]


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Quote from: Jessica_K on December 11, 2018, 05:25:34 PM
I am so very sad but I can not show it
After a long talk I have decided that I need to save my partnership. It was obvious she could never accept me as a woman and was such a mess I just could not put her through it anymore.
But now I have to contend with the fact that I can never be openly me and finding that difficult

On the plus side she has accepted that I am transgender but have to stay male, I do have my long nails as a open show of my femininity along with no body hair so maybe overtime I can make subtle changes but no HRT

I am sorry to read that Jessica. The amount of pain, depression anxiety and general disdain for myself that I had before accepting who I am and coming out to my wife was so heavy.
I am sorry to hear that you are still carrying the burden of keeping your inner self hidden.

It is possible that she may one day come around to things, but in the case of my wife and I, I told her several years ago that I would stop "Feeling and Being" trans. As ridiculous as that is, she accepted it and was extremely hurt to find out that I had lied to her and that I was never going to stop feeling the way I do. She is very open minded as well, but the issue of her identity changing to lesbian was very hard.
In the end, no relationship will last without honest and open communication. Make sure you don't sacrifice too much of yourself, as that rarely ends well.

I wish you luck and hope things get better!
Lacy