Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just joined and am looking around.   I am 18 and am transitioning.  Spiro for over a year, estrogen for a few months. I'm still in the closet with most everyone especially family. Only 1 very special woman knows and is helping me.   I've been so crazy busy the past few weeks I haven't watched myself that closely other than being aware my chest is killing me and feels like it's rubbing all the time now, its been nuts I was always rushing. But a few days ago I came in, went to my room and shut the door, went to my mirror to get something out of my eye, and all I can say is there was a female looking back at me. I froze. I just looked different.   I let out my took off my hoodie and there were obvious other changes.    I just cried and cried I couldn't believe it. 

I feel like I cry all the time now when something gets to me.  I cried last night watching tv, I've never done that.  My jeans fit different. The trash barrels feel like lead.  I'm Sure ia lot is in my head but want to read what others experience. 

Quote from: Kelly Peters on December 19, 2018, 02:23:21 PM
Just joined and am looking around.   I am 18 and am transitioning.  Spiro for over a year, estrogen for a few months. I'm still in the closet with most everyone especially family. Only 1 very special woman knows and is helping me.   I've been so crazy busy the past few weeks I haven't watched myself that closely other than being aware my chest is killing me and feels like it's rubbing all the time now, its been nuts I was always rushing. But a few days ago I came in, went to my room and shut the door, went to my mirror to get something out of my eye, and all I can say is there was a female looking back at me. I froze. I just looked different.   I let out my took off my hoodie and there were obvious other changes.    I just cried and cried I couldn't believe it. 

I feel like I cry all the time now when something gets to me.  I cried last night watching tv, I've never done that.  My jeans fit different. The trash barrels feel like lead.  I'm Sure ia lot is in my head but want to read what others experience.

@Kelly Peters
Dear Kelly:
     I am so happy to read your interesting introduction posting. Certainly this can be a quite nervous time for you.   As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things.
     
     I see that you have just joined Susan's Place and this is your very first posting on the Forums.
I am most pleased that you had decided to join the Susan's Place site and the Forums.

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation as you continue to feel free to share it.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

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Hi Kelly, welcome to Susan's Place, I'm Jessica.
I very happy your here.  Your beginning experiences are similar to many, including myself.

The first time I saw "Jessica" in the mirror, I was so happy.  The changes can be dramatic or slight, it depends on how your body reacts to your medication.  Your age is a big factor in that testosterone hasn't had the chance for its full effect to hit you, I envy your ability to start so much younger than I.  I only started HRT a bit less than a year and a half ago at 60, but my mother's genes still made an impact.  I saw and felt changes within the first month, skin softened, mood shifted (sometimes wildly), chest sensations and even the smell of my pee!  Within the next few months breast tenderness and physical changes like periodic swelling of my areolae.  There were changes in my face as my deep smiles lines softened to the point of nearly disappearing.  At about the fourth month I definitely had breast tissue growing, and about every 3 months I continue having growth spurts that ache, itch, tingle and the pointed look of a Snoopy nose that would round out within a month of it starting.  At this moment I'm nearly a "C" cup....thanks Mom!
This of course is a very YMMV (Your Milage May Vary) thing, and everyone experiences it differently, but it appears that you are responding well!

I see that our lovely Northern Star*Girl @Alaskan Danielle has greeted you with her charm and grace.  She gave you some very handy links to information that is very helpful in creating the best experience here at Susan's Place.  Please give them a look see, you won't regret it.

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

Thank you for the welcome Danielle and Jessica, I think I am going to like the site and people.... My family is so hard and would not understand at all....  I feel like I can breath just looking in..

Kelly

Hi Kelly  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

What a day.

Like I said I am still in the closet with my family and most all friends.  So I almost always go out in my guy clothes. But Ive been on hrt for 3 months and had showered and dried my hair, plucked my eyebrows, and was feeling real good, no one was around, so I got my stash out of the closet and put on my yoga pants and hoodie and necklace and rings and went out to a mall to get my mother a gift. 

But there I really had to go the bathroom and I have never used the women's room and was scared so I figured I'd run into the men's room quick and deal with anything.   I was going down the service hallway to the bathrooms and from behind me I hear excuse me miss, excuse me miss... I was already crazy nervous and was in a panick turning around.   It was a guy with two little girls all dressed up.  He was like I'm really really sorry to bother you but are you headed to the women's room by any chance? I was like uh yeah dying of nerves...,  he said I don't want to take them in the men's room if I can help it you know... and they need to go... maybe if you could make sure the women's is clear.,,

I was thinking omg I've never been in one...but said oh sure thing... my heart was in my mouth when I pushed the door open.   I made sure it was clear and let them go in and have their privacy.  I turned around once I let them in and he was crying. I was like are you ok.., he said he was sorry he lost his wife a few months ago and it's hard, but this was her favorite thing... I felt soo bad..,

We talked for a couple minutes and the girls came out quick. He was still so upset so I distracted them and asked about Santa and what they would ask for.  He still wasn't good so I asked if I could follow them to see Santa too.., they were like daddy can she come...  he smiled and was like oh definitely but let her use the restroom first...  omg! I did then went with them and kind of chatted with the girls and him to be a distraction...  And when they were done he was like thank you so much and asked if I'd be interested in helping him out and make some money baby sitting...   so we'll see... but omg

But I think today I was there for them and them for me even though they didn't know. I felt so good walking through the mall after, best day ever, and will come out to my mother this weekend.

Gulp. 

Quote from: Kelly Peters on December 20, 2018, 04:49:27 PM
What a day.

Like I said I am still in the closet with my family and most all friends.  So I almost always go out in my guy clothes. But Ive been on hrt for 3 months and had showered and dried my hair, plucked my eyebrows, and was feeling real good, no one was around, so I got my stash out of the closet and put on my yoga pants and hoodie and necklace and rings and went out to a mall to get my mother a gift. 

But there I really had to go the bathroom and I have never used the women's room and was scared so I figured I'd run into the men's room quick and deal with anything.   I was going down the service hallway to the bathrooms and from behind me I hear excuse me miss, excuse me miss... I was already crazy nervous and was in a panick turning around.   It was a guy with two little girls all dressed up.  He was like I'm really really sorry to bother you but are you headed to the women's room by any chance? I was like uh yeah dying of nerves...,  he said I don't want to take them in the men's room if I can help it you know... and they need to go... maybe if you could make sure the women's is clear.,,

I was thinking omg I've never been in one...but said oh sure thing... my heart was in my mouth when I pushed the door open.   I made sure it was clear and let them go in and have their privacy.  I turned around once I let them in and he was crying. I was like are you ok.., he said he was sorry he lost his wife a few months ago and it's hard, but this was her favorite thing... I felt soo bad..,

We talked for a couple minutes and the girls came out quick. He was still so upset so I distracted them and asked about Santa and what they would ask for.  He still wasn't good so I asked if I could follow them to see Santa too.., they were like daddy can she come...  he smiled and was like oh definitely but let her use the restroom first...  omg! I did then went with them and kind of chatted with the girls and him to be a distraction...  And when they were done he was like thank you so much and asked if I'd be interested in helping him out and make some money baby sitting...   so we'll see... but omg

But I think today I was there for them and them for me even though they didn't know. I felt so good walking through the mall after, best day ever, and will come out to my mother this weekend.

Gulp.

Wow... how incredibly special.  Thanks for sharing.   Merry Christmas to you. 

Karen

Thanks Karen.   Merry Christmas to you too!

I'm coming out to my mother tomorrow after my father and brothers leave.   I'm so scared.

Kelly

Be strong Kelly - I was scared coming out to my Mom too and I am OLD.  She has been great. 

Your Mom loves you.  It will be hard but it will be OK. 

Thank you for the encouragement.  It was hard, I was shaking.  We talked and cried, but she understands.  She said she sort of always knew.  It's between just us for now.  Today was a lot better.  She said after my 2 brothers she wanted a girl and now she has one.  We were doing some errands today and she bought me a few things and suggested I get my ears pierced which I did.  I think it was hard for her but will be ok. We have to figure out my father and brothers next.   Won't be easy but I'm feeling so much better.

Brothers and father got real distant but they all know now.   Feels good not hiding who I am.  Hopefully they come around. I feel bad in a way

Mother has been great. I was complaining my jeans have gotten real tight in the seat and waist and she said you're getting hips and a rear. She could see in the yoga pants I wear. Then she asked how I was for bras which really caught me off guard.  She said what I have is too small and I need something better.  She said Victoria's Secret has a good selection.  Going out shopping :). 

She's even calling me Kelly!

Quote from: Kelly Peters on December 28, 2018, 11:30:25 AM
Brothers and father got real distant but they all know now.   Feels good not hiding who I am.  Hopefully they come around. I feel bad in a way

Mother has been great. I was complaining my jeans have gotten real tight in the seat and waist and she said you're getting hips and a rear. She could see in the yoga pants I wear. Then she asked how I was for bras which really caught me off guard.  She said what I have is too small and I need something better.  She said Victoria's Secret has a good selection.  Going out shopping :). 

She's even calling me Kelly!

Hi Kelly, thank you for telling your story about the mall, this was quite special and I can see how the experience would be affirming. Sounds like you and your mother had a good talk. I'm learning that the stories we make in our heads about people's reactions to coming out are worse than what generally happens in reality. That is not to say we won't run into people who don't understand and make decisions to leave or ignore us.

The relief from coming out is way better than holding on to a secret.

Way to go, Kelly.

Hugs Zoey

Thanks so much!

It was the hardest thing I ever did, I felt like I was going to pass out. Father and brothers still distant but maybe a little better.  I get it could take them time too. But what a relief. And a lot of the stress was in my head.

Out of the past 9 days I've only been in guy mode one day, and I went out a bunch of places. Even had my hair done, my mother went with me, was so nervous.  It had gotten really long but was a mess. Starting to move the guy stuff to the back of my closet now and put my real clothes in drawers.

Happy New Year!!!

K

Well done Kelly, and thanks so much for sharing your amazing journey recently.  Your courage and sharing help make all our worlds a better place.


All the best, Hugs
Anna

Thank you Anna.  It should be so much easier.  I sat down for supper last night and my brothers just got up and left. Then a couple min later my father.  I just cried. Happens watching tv too.  My mother said you need to stay strong...  it's aweful sometimes.

Hugs,
Kelly

Quote from: Kelly Peters on January 08, 2019, 07:31:30 AM
Thank you Anna.  It should be so much easier.  I sat down for supper last night and my brothers just got up and left. Then a couple min later my father.  I just cried. Happens watching tv too.  My mother said you need to stay strong...  it's aweful sometimes.

Hugs,
Kelly

Kelly, always know that you are loved.  From most of the experiences that I have read so far, here and elsewhere, is that there is typically one Family member that carries unconditional Love for their transitioning Family member.  You have the Love of your Mother. For some, it may be a Father, Grandparent, Sister, Brother, Cousin or Aunt.  Remember, everyone spends their teen years figuring out who they are and their young adult years working towards that.  For some, they are still figuring themselves out well into their mid-20s.  So you have the benefit of that understanding that will help many people have an easier time coming around to who you really are.  For us that have spent half our lives or better living as an assigned gender that is not their own, the understanding acceptance and compassion of our Friends and Family can be rather daunting.  You can't fault them too much for having a problem dealing with the change.  As in my case, Family has known me as a manly male for 50 years.  I was rather adept at hiding and suppressing my female self.  I had long a hair after high school, ear rings in one ear, some questionable fashion, yet I always exuded a male persona.  So when I finally come out to Family, Friends, and Shipmates, I expect a bevy of people having a hard time translating to me as a woman. 

So take heart that you are actively seeking your wholeness at such a young age as you start life out as a young adult.  You have the Love of your Mother to be your rock.  As your Brothers see your relationship with your Mother flourish with Kelly, they will naturally become accepting as we are wired to be drawn to the nurturing relationship with our Mothers.  Your Father will take some time.  It may take weeks, months, years or decades.  Unfortunately, that is a very individualized experience.   You can't force people to accept you.  They have to come around on their own.  All you can do is present yourself as a loving child.  You will have to accept that some people may never come around.  Again, unfortunate, but life goes on and you have to think about your health, happiness and future. 


PS. Yes, I capitalize what is important; Love and Family!

I see His hand in this, having just what you needed to nudge you to more self confidence and giving that family what they needed as well: you. It was a win/win for all.

Ricki

Hi Kelly, It's very nice to meet you.  I'm so happy for you and all these new and wonderful changes that are happening in your life.  The transition process can be a little scary but it's nice to know your just a few clicks away from others that are experiencing similar things. I'm glad you joined us here.  In time, I'm confident you'll find even more allies and supporters.  Please share any of your transition woes and wonders with us.  It help us and may help you too.  I look forward to reading more.

With Warm Regards,
Susan R🌷