Community Conversation => Transitioning => Coming out of the closet => Topic started by: BlueJaye on December 24, 2018, 11:33:45 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Dealing with guilt
Post by: BlueJaye on December 24, 2018, 11:33:45 PM
Post by: BlueJaye on December 24, 2018, 11:33:45 PM
This has been and will continue to be a topic between me, my wife, and my therapist, but I felt like putting it out there for comments.
I'm dealing with guilt for having waited so long to come out. I was married for over nine years before coming out to my wife, and I have not yet told the kids. I worry about how they will handle it in the long term.
My wife has been very supportive so far, but I feel guilt about not being open with her sooner. She married me thinking I was a man. I feel like I misled her very badly. For ten years I tried having sex with her and I always felt gross every time. I felt like I was violating both of us. Fortunately she never liked sex and is happy with the idea of not having sex anymore. But I still feel guilt about the past.
I'm dealing with guilt for having waited so long to come out. I was married for over nine years before coming out to my wife, and I have not yet told the kids. I worry about how they will handle it in the long term.
My wife has been very supportive so far, but I feel guilt about not being open with her sooner. She married me thinking I was a man. I feel like I misled her very badly. For ten years I tried having sex with her and I always felt gross every time. I felt like I was violating both of us. Fortunately she never liked sex and is happy with the idea of not having sex anymore. But I still feel guilt about the past.
Title: Re: Dealing with guilt
Post by: JanePlain on December 25, 2018, 02:43:25 AM
Post by: JanePlain on December 25, 2018, 02:43:25 AM
I'm not sure I have anything that will help on the guilt but some of us have been married even longer and are terrified about coming out.
As to sex yep. I get what your saying exactly. I've just made it a point to do things differently in the bedroom. Without getting graphic its more like lesbian sex most of the time. And for what its worth this approach seems to work great for both of us.
As to sex yep. I get what your saying exactly. I've just made it a point to do things differently in the bedroom. Without getting graphic its more like lesbian sex most of the time. And for what its worth this approach seems to work great for both of us.
Title: Re: Dealing with guilt
Post by: KathyLauren on December 25, 2018, 08:31:53 AM
Post by: KathyLauren on December 25, 2018, 08:31:53 AM
That is a tough one, BlueJaye. I had been married 12 years when I came out to my wife.
I don't know how it was for you, but I had been in a state of denial for decades. I kind-of knew that I was trans, but I managed to convince myself that it couldn't be true. I realize now that it was deception, but I was just as deceived as my wife was. So, when she asked me why I hadn't told her sooner, that is what I told her: that I had been in denial all along. I just couldn't deny it any longer.
I imagine it is similar for many of us. Knowing the power of denial relieved my guilt and her anger.
I don't know how it was for you, but I had been in a state of denial for decades. I kind-of knew that I was trans, but I managed to convince myself that it couldn't be true. I realize now that it was deception, but I was just as deceived as my wife was. So, when she asked me why I hadn't told her sooner, that is what I told her: that I had been in denial all along. I just couldn't deny it any longer.
I imagine it is similar for many of us. Knowing the power of denial relieved my guilt and her anger.
Title: Re: Dealing with guilt
Post by: Jessica_Rose on December 25, 2018, 09:21:12 AM
Post by: Jessica_Rose on December 25, 2018, 09:21:12 AM
My wife and I have been married over 34 years. I always knew something wasn't right, but for decades I just thought I was a crossdresser. My wife was OK when I occasionally wore women's underwear, but that was as far as I could go. It wasn't until two years ago, 28 Dec 2016, that I found the source of my anger and rage -- hiding your soul for four decades can do that sort of thing. My wife was mad as hell for months, and any mention of it was shot down immediately. Eventually we went to therapy, and met another couple like us. It took about 18 months, but my wife now understands. She is now happier than she had been in years, and my wife and daughters are no longer afraid of me.
Initially we all probably believe that we can control this, letting her out once in a while will be enough. Sometimes it is enough, but just as often the need still grows, and occasional opportunities are not sufficient. You should not feel guilty, this isn't a choice you made. Your initial choice was to remain in hiding, which will not lead to your happiness. If you are not happy, how can those around you be happy?
We have two daughters, they were 19 and 23 when I came out to them on 26 Dec 2017. Telling them my story was difficult, and I cried most of the way through. Both of my daughters accepted this change in my life, and they are not ashamed to tell their friends. Our family is certainly non-traditional, but where is the fun and joy in being normal!
Initially we all probably believe that we can control this, letting her out once in a while will be enough. Sometimes it is enough, but just as often the need still grows, and occasional opportunities are not sufficient. You should not feel guilty, this isn't a choice you made. Your initial choice was to remain in hiding, which will not lead to your happiness. If you are not happy, how can those around you be happy?
We have two daughters, they were 19 and 23 when I came out to them on 26 Dec 2017. Telling them my story was difficult, and I cried most of the way through. Both of my daughters accepted this change in my life, and they are not ashamed to tell their friends. Our family is certainly non-traditional, but where is the fun and joy in being normal!