Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone. This is my first post, although I've lurked in chat off an on over the past year.

I'm a straight male who is supporting my ex in her uncertainty. A few years ago while in college, she became involved in the LGBTQ community and became more able to understand her feelings. She revealed to me that she is pansexual, that she gravitates toward women, and is unsure if she is transgender, bi or something else. We also have an amazing 8 year old daughter together.

During this journey things have been very up and down between us. She is often frustrated with me, her family, and her situation. Her family is very caring and heavily involved with the church, but they wouldn't be accepting of her feelings. They support the LGBTQ community, but they have the false belief that they need to gently guide people to the 'right' path and hope that God overlooks their 'transgressions.'

My ex began seeing other people before she opened up to me, and it resulted in us saying and doing things we both regret. We have moved beyond the initial feelings of betrayal I felt and we understand each other better. I very much want her to be happy, and we still live together as friends and to support our child, but in the three years since she told me, we've moved apart emotionally. She appreciates my continued friendship and support, but I fear she has begun to feel trapped and resents our situation. She has never been willing to share her private feelings with her family, and I think that she is afraid to move on for fear of embarassment. I think that telling them we broke up and are seperating would be unthinkable to her, so telling them she's interested in girls or is trans would be out of the question. She says she doesn't want to seperate for our daughter's sake, and she refuses to talk about her feelings with me anymore. She spends most nights out with friends, or goes to bed early with our daughter. The support she wants from me has become silent acceptance and unquestioning distance.

Please know that I'm not here for pity. Even if we rarely talk, I love my ex and our daughter, and I know we'll be friends as she works through this.

This experience has introduced me to some wondeful members of the LGBTQ community, and helped me to connect with feelings in mysef I had supressed. I am supportive of the community and I'm considering joining a local group. (I have social anxiety, which is a constant struggle in real life but not online.)

I'm not entirely sure why I'm here, or what I hope to accomplish or contribute, but I do hope I'm not unwelcome. If me being a part of the board is a problem, please feel free to say so.

Welcome to Susan's Place. We welcome Significant Others on the site and you may post where ever you feel you can contribute. In addition, we have a Significant Other (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,26.0.html) section of the forum where you can exchange thoughts with others who are in similar positions to yours. Should you have any questions, feel free to ask and we will do the best we can to answer them.

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Hi Dena, thanks for the welcome. I will check out the Significant Others forum.

Take Care!

Hi Possum  :icon_wave:

Welcome to Susan's Place  :)  Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Possum

Welcome to Susan's I hope you can get the help you are after.

Take care

Liz

Hi @Possum, I really pleased to see a significant other join the discussion and you seem to genuinely care about your Ex and that she is happy. I hope you find the support you are seeking. Ask questions and people on the forum will provide comments and feedback. It is a great online community.

Zoey

Hello Possum,  you certainly have my respect.  You have been there for your wife even without the love and companionship one should have within a marriage.  You obviously love your wife and child very much.  I think it's wonderful that you're able to stick with it.  A lesser person may not have such resilience.  Have you and your wife tried any counseling?  It helped me but your situation is different so ymmv.  I wish you the very best in whatever you do!  Thanks for sharing.

Take Care,
Susan R🌷

You are awesome!

Now that is established, what do you want? Do you want to repair the relationship? If so that will take both of you wanting the same thing. If you don't, then you both need to figure out what the next steps will be and when. You both seem to be invested in your child so it sounds like you will be orbiting each other for a very long time to come regardless. There will be graduations and events where you will both be even after she leaves the house.

Step 1 however is figure out what you want, and share that with them. Then ask them what they want. You may not get an answer right away while they too do some searching.

Ricki

Thank you everyone for the warm welcome.

I'm really not sure what I want from our relationship, but I know we are still friends. My ex is going through a lot, and leaning exclusively on her friends for support. I don't believe that's a reflection of my ability or willingness to support her, I think perhaps I'm just too close to the situation and she needs space. It's painful to see the woman that I love be so confused and unhappy with her body and life, me included. All I can do is tell her I'll love her no matter what.

Since my first post, I've waited up many nights when she says she wants to talk but just needs a nap, and she never comes back. Or she just needs some time with friends, and comes home exhausted and goes straight to bed. It's been difficult.

Last night we talked briefly and I was specifically *told* that we would continue to live together to support our daughter, and we should not see other people. I said that I felt that these are parts of a bigger discussion, but she wouldn't hear it. I asked if she was happy with the prospect of living together as single, and she expressed that anything was worth it for the well-being of our daughter. I said that it might be better for our daughter to see each of us as friends in healthy relationships rather than together in a disfunctional one.

Tonight she came home at a decent time and was more pleasant and engaging, but it felt forced. Then she went to bed early. Until furhter notice, I think we're just in a holding pattern. And if that's what she needs, I understand. I plan to encourage her to go to therapy with me, but I know she won't be open to it.

I suppose what I wish from her is direction, so I can formulate a plan of action for myself. Personally I'm feeling very lonely. It's been over two years that I've been feeling like a roommate, feeling rejected and putting my personal life on pause indefinitely. I probably should seek therapy just to sort out what I need to do for myself.

I feel that at this point, my situation isn't a transgender issue, although that's an important part of the story. I've looked at many of the posts in the forum, and I've found that the only thing I can contribute is cheerleading; my personal experience is that of an outsider. While I support the trans community and have a few friends in it, I don't have a lot to offer.

However I do appreciate the responses I've gotten, and the discussions I've been a part of in the chat. Thanks again. I will check back in a little bit. I just need some time.

Hi Possum, your situation with your wife sounds very familiar to a situation I had with my marriage before I came out. My wife and I didn't talk much, she went to her bedroom at 8pm, socialized with her friends often, and I slept in a separate room, a converted room in our garage with access from the kitchen. I wasn't happy. She wasn't happy. Now we are going through a separation since I came out to her and I have moved to a new location.

What I have learned is that you need to be happy with yourself. Your children will adjust but, you are right, a friendly relationship between you and your spouse is really important and this is something my 20y son continually tells me and my wife. I have a 15y daughter and the separation is hard on her, but the onus is on me to stay connected with her and my son. I think in many ways I took for granted these relationships while living in the same home and now have to be purposeful and intentional with my communication with both kids. I think I may develop a better relationship with them.

So, don't despair remember you and your wife deserve to be happy and your daughter will be better off in the end if this is the case.

Good luck,

Hugs Zoey xoxoxo

Kids learn by the examples around them. What is she learning by watching the both of you?

Something to think about.