Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey I am still struggling to pass no matter how much better
I feel as soon as I leave the house it's alway he and sir. I've been trying
Hard to ignore it but I'm 6.4 and I just don't know if I ever will I'm
Starting to give up. Regret coming out and think negatively about myself
I've started complaining to stores. I corrected a cashier at the grocery store last
Night said I'm a she he looked at me confused I complained to this one grocery stores head
Office never got an apology. When I mentioned that I was a she the guy though I was referring
To buk Chou  I said I'm trans and go by she after a old lady and him kept calling me he.  Why do people not get that trans people are real. My dad thinks I'm ruining my life refuses to acknowledge that I am transgender thinks no one will hire me still says my son dead names me calls he. Says if he was not with his wife he wouldn't allow me to transition.  It's getting to be too much most days I don't even want to leave my house because of it..  I'm not a super big person I skinny and tall I don't understand why people can't be more observant when I go into a store I'm sick of this I don't now if I can face the  rest of my life as being always mis gendered I'm not masculine face wise I don't know

@Michelledeanna1989
Dear Michelle:
Please know that you are not alone with what you are experiencing.
I can certainly identify with a lot of what you are stating.

I am not able to write more at this moment because I am at work, but I will get back here to your thread to give you more of my thoughts a little later today.

Hang in there girl....   Never give up, never surrender!!!
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

@Michelledeanna1989
Dear Michelle:
I am back now and I have the time to write more to you.
The transition journey is not for sissies ....  the road is full of pot holes, disappointments, discouragements, failures and bad moments but the GOOD NEWS is that it also a place of successes, affirmation, and good moments too.

Passing is a subjective thing to most onlookers and people that you come across.  First off, parents and immedate family and close friends that knew you best as your "old self" will many times have the most difficult time accepting transition announcements and even long after the announcement they will have the most difficult time re-programming their mind to your new appearance, your new gender identity, and your new name, no matter how you appear to them.   

I have been passing 100% without fail for over 2 years since early December 2016.... but when I go back "home" to those that knew me "before" I still get dead named, wrong pronouns, etc.   It is hurtful for sure, but do realize that it is most difficult for parents and immediate family, they had a son, a brother, and uncle, etc.... and now your are a daughter, a sister, an aunt, etc.   Very difficult for everyone for sure.

As far as your unhappy encounters with others at stores and elsewhere, these failures can be used as learning moments to help you to refine your appearance, your voice, your body motions and gestures, etc...   do a lot of people watching at a busy mall or a busy airport, watch how women are dressed, how they move, sit, walk, talk with their hands, and listen to how they talk to others....   it is one of my favorite things to do... people watching!!!!

I trust that you can pull yourself together and get back to a happy place with your transition plans.
Below the end of my posting/message in my signature line I have 3 of my threads listed, each one can provide encouragement for you as others have posted their trials and tribulations to share... and there are reply comments from those with their helpful and encouraging words.
The Positivity thread is just exactly what it says it is.... and the Writers and Book readers thread provides quotes and thoughts with much wisdom for those that are experiencing difficult times.

I sincerely hope and trust that you find some encouragement and solace in my replies to you.   
Please feel free to address any comments or thoughts that you have for me.

Best wishes,
Danielle

Quoteauthor=Michelledeanna1989 link=topic=244768.msg2228567#msg2228567 date=1550591397]
Hey I am still struggling to pass no matter how much better
I feel as soon as I leave the house it's alway he and sir. I've been trying
Hard to ignore it but I'm 6.4 and I just don't know if I ever will I'm
Starting to give up. Regret coming out and think negatively about myself
I've started complaining to stores. I corrected a cashier at the grocery store last
Night said I'm a she he looked at me confused I complained to this one grocery stores head
Office never got an apology. When I mentioned that I was a she the guy though I was referring
To buk Chou  I said I'm trans and go by she after a old lady and him kept calling me he.  Why do people not get that trans people are real. My dad thinks I'm ruining my life refuses to acknowledge that I am transgender thinks no one will hire me still says my son dead names me calls he. Says if he was not with his wife he wouldn't allow me to transition.  It's getting to be too much most days I don't even want to leave my house because of it..  I'm not a super big person I skinny and tall I don't understand why people can't be more observant when I go into a store I'm sick of this I don't now if I can face the  rest of my life as being always mis gendered I'm not masculine face wise I don't know

I wish I knew the answer to give you, but I don't.  All I can say is that I do understand and feel your pain. It's ironic that Danielle says transitioning isn't for sissies... I realized I was and always have been a "sissy" and honestly, that might never change. I don't have any advice, but I think if you've gone 13 months and you've been through this then you're probably better prepared than most people... I wish for both of us I could say it gets easier.

I'm almost 17 months on hrt and I think learning to accept things I don't like about myself and how others treat me will take a long time. I mean years even... I don't know if you'll "pass", but I honestly don't even know what "passing" means. I'm similar to you actually in that I pass the time and hope for the best. I may not have a place to live in a week, but at least I'll get away from my family again. Maybe this time that'll stick for good...

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

Passing is about more than just appearance, though it does help. A lot of it is just being comfortable with yourself, because that's what cis people are. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the truth.

Also, what are you wearing? You didn't really mention this part, but if you're trying to pull off T-shirt and jeans, that takes time. Try femming things up a bit. Also, if your hair is long, wear it down. Hair framing your face makes things much more feminine. You may have a tomboyish style, but I think that maybe trying to dress more feminine might help, it will also help with confidence.

Maybe you're already doing all of this, in which case just know that you're not alone, and things do get better as you go.

Sorry to hear that.

It could be your mannerisms and attitude.  Which is hard to correct since you are in a bad mood to begin with. 

But, a smile and being polite goes a long way to folks accepting you as a woman.  Which should really be your goal.

Quote from: Maid Marion on February 19, 2019, 04:26:40 PM
It could be your mannerisms and attitude.

That could be it too. If you want the basics, don't take overly large steps, smile a lot, and always try to seem a little unsure of yourself. (I know this is sexist af but it works)

I was out in my guys mode today.  I got ma'am ed at a store checkout.  I don't know what it is, but I think it was the way I present.

The entire appearance makes one to pass or not.  I think there is no single part of a person that causes it.

MichelleDeanna I know it can be tough sometimes and in the end we can't control what other people think.
On the other hand we certainly CAN choose how we think.

FAFWIW
(free advice for what it's worth):

1. Tomorrow morning set aside 5 minutes and write down the things you are grateful for on a sheet of scrap paper.  Then throw it away.

2.  The day after that repeat step one.

3.  Continue steps 1 through 2 for the rest of your life.

Quote from: Michelledeanna1989 on February 19, 2019, 09:49:57 AM
Hey I am still struggling to pass no matter how much better
I feel as soon as I leave the house it's alway he and sir. I've been trying
Hard to ignore it but I'm 6.4 and I just don't know if I ever will I'm
Starting to give up.  can face the  rest of my life as being always mis gendered I'm not masculine face wise I don't know

Giving up on what?
Expecting to pass or transition?

Giving on transition is not so easy... I'm over 20 years post-op and i still get read sometimes... and I have had full FFS by Dr. O. in 1999...

I'm not as tall as you but I have a big gram and HRT did not do much for me...No hips no back-side , broad shoulders and, rib cage, big hands and feet... Lots of tells nothing can be done about.

I knew that going in but I still had to transition... I was hoping that somehow it would work out but I could not have lived with myself if I did not do it...

At 6'4" passing 100% will always be difficult... no question about it... Maybe you can get there and maybe not... What matters to you most? Which way do you think will be happier or easier... How much does being who you are matter to you? You need to decide.

I am not crazy how things turned out for me... but I probably would not be here if I had given up.

- karen

Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on February 19, 2019, 04:30:58 PM
That could be it too. If you want the basics, don't take overly large steps, smile a lot, and always try to seem a little unsure of yourself. (I know this is sexist af but it works)

@AnamethatstartswithE

Ugh! So very very true. Sad, but true.

Another thing you might try is wear heals. That should put you at 6'6"+. What do you call a person 6'6"? Anything they want!

Ricki

I've been making more of an effort to pass
I made myself presentable. Little bit of make up
My experience was totall different I also whent to
The same grocery chains other store and I noticed a
Huge difference he didn't use sir or any pronouns
Just said have a good day.

When I make myself appear more feminine people question me less
Like I also had a bouncer a couple weeks ago not know in till he IDed
Me then it changed to Ma'am and he grabbed the door for me.  The only
Time i get misgenerd is leaving work at night. I work in a border line area with a bad part of
Town so I generally where my black Colombia jacket.   Trying to smile I think is also helping
I'm going to get contacts soon as my glasses inlarge my face and make it more masculine
I pass better without them, I'm working on my voice it's improved a ton. I do slip up sometimes
But it's whatever.   It's  my 14 month mark a week from today. Most people are pretty good about it though.

Also thanks everyone for commenting..

Quote from: Michelledeanna1989 on February 28, 2019, 02:57:26 PM
I've been making more of an effort to pass
I made myself presentable. Little bit of make up
My experience was totall different I also whent to
The same grocery chains other store and I noticed a
Huge difference he didn't use sir or any pronouns
Just said have a good day.

When I make myself appear more feminine people question me less
Like I also had a bouncer a couple weeks ago not know in till he IDed
Me then it changed to Ma'am and he grabbed the door for me.  The only
Time i get misgenerd is leaving work at night. I work in a border line area with a bad part of
Town so I generally where my black Colombia jacket.   Trying to smile I think is also helping
I'm going to get contacts soon as my glasses inlarge my face and make it more masculine
I pass better without them, I'm working on my voice it's improved a ton. I do slip up sometimes
But it's whatever.   It's  my 14 month mark a week from today. Most people are pretty good about it though.

All that sounds pretty positive to me!
Think about it, some of us are working for a very long time already to reach the point we are.  I started 16 years ago to tkae some careful steps out of the closet!

I made this for you Michelle, this pictograph shows me as I allowed my frame of mind dictate how I look and feel about being a woman. I had not started HRT when these pics were taken. Notice the progression.........

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.tinypic.com%2F6gc3eu.jpg&hash=0daf6a7c57576d6002e216f2ea47fa7a2efdb15b)

Keep going and your hard work will pay off. Baby steps. You didn't run a marathon your first time in running shoes. These pics were taken over a three year period. Frame of mind alone you can get there. Are you working with a therapist hun?

Sophia

Quote from: Sophiaprincess2019 on March 01, 2019, 11:22:57 AM
I made this for you Michelle, this pictograph shows me as I allowed my frame of mind dictate how I look and feel about being a woman. I had not started HRT when these pics were taken. Notice the progression.........

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.tinypic.com%2F6gc3eu.jpg&hash=0daf6a7c57576d6002e216f2ea47fa7a2efdb15b)

Keep going and your hard work will pay off. Baby steps. You didn't run a marathon your first time in running shoes. These pics were taken over a three year period. Frame of mind alone you can get there. Are you working with a therapist


I was but unfortunately stopped due too financial reasons I saw a  clinical counseler who
Works with LGBTQ issues.  I stopped seeing her last summer due too my income I haven't
Been able to go. I did see a new therapist in the fall she is more expensive but really good.
I suppose I could go back to my former therapist at some point, part of the reason I stopped
Not sure I did a family season with her when I came out as trans. My brother believes her
But my dad and his wife believes she is A Quack.  My dads wife is really supportive. But my dad thinks it is a phase brought on by my moms passing  away in 2015. Once I make a bit more money in the future I'll go again. Hopefully the employment course I start on Monday help me
Get a better paying job hopefully I have some luck and find a job with a open minded employer..
a few I don't think care that not hiring someone who is transgender for that reason alone is illegal in Canada. Some know that but I don't want to work for a transphobic employer anyways 

Quote from: Sophiaprincess2019 on March 01, 2019, 11:22:57 AM
I made this for you Michelle, this pictograph shows me as I allowed my frame of mind dictate how I look and feel about being a woman. I had not started HRT when these pics were taken. Notice the progression.........

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi66.tinypic.com%2F6gc3eu.jpg&hash=0daf6a7c57576d6002e216f2ea47fa7a2efdb15b)

Keep going and your hard work will pay off. Baby steps. You didn't run a marathon your first time in running shoes. These pics were taken over a three year period. Frame of mind alone you can get there. Are you working with a therapist hun?

Sophia

You always had pretty dominant looking brws!

The change I see most is around your chin and mouth, starting out with a pretty brute male chin/jaw/mouth line to a very feminine and soft line!  No clue how you did that without HRT, but you did great!

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DpB8dwLU8AAarAv.jpg)

        Anyone seen "Janae's courageous story TRANSFORMER: The Documentary" on Netflix yet? Know she only had voice & FFS I never have messed with makeup myself but it's amazing the look that "Kroc" achieved!

One 'ell of a "defense mechanism" wadda ya think?

Quote from: Dietlind on March 01, 2019, 12:24:44 PM

No clue how you did that without HRT, but you did great!

I think my weight loss combined with a positive frame of mind really helped me achieve the results I was looking for.  When people ask me " What have you changed the most?"  I always tell them the truth: my mind. Another asset is: I do not expect negative feelings from anyone yet I'm prepared if those moments arise! I try to live as positive life as possible.

Quote from: Sophiaprincess2019 on March 01, 2019, 01:38:56 PM
I think my weight loss combined with a positive frame of mind really helped me achieve the results I was looking for.  When people ask me " What have you changed the most?"  I always tell them the truth: my mind. Another asset is: I do not expect negative feelings from anyone yet I'm prepared if those moments arise! I try to live as positive life as possible.

Whatever you did and do, it seems to be the right thing! Kkeep going this way, and you will end up to be a beautiful woman!