Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi I am new here, i was just wondering when everyone here knew when they were transgender and how they knew, like was it just an instinct?


Here's my situation. My name is Abby, and i really cant tell if I'm transgender or not. At times I feel like I'm a female and at other times I dont. I'm not interested in other men (which means nothing, just doesnt help my knowing) I like women. But do i just like women so much that i might want to be them?

Quote from: Abigail_ on March 04, 2019, 02:45:32 PM
Hi I am new here, i was just wondering when everyone here knew when they were transgender and how they knew, like was it just an instinct?

Here's my situation. My name is Abby, and i really cant tell if I'm transgender or not. At times I feel like I'm a female and at other times I dont. I'm not interested in other men (which means nothing, just doesnt help my knowing) I like women. But do i just like women so much that i might want to be them?

@Abigail_
Dear Abby:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and this is your very first posting.   I am happy to see that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)	Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)	Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)

@Abigail_
Oh, and another thing Abby...
Please plan to write a post and tell us more about yourself in the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,8.0.html) so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can pursue answers to your questions.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

A long story. For many years I knew I was different. When I a teenager I knew I was bi, but didn't really enjoy the company of women the way my friends seemed to. I thought ok... lets try being gay. I liked it, but only because it made me feel more feminine. I got married (long story) to a woman and we lived together for 14 years. Again I found her attractive but in bed I had to think of myself as her to have any hope of things working.

At the age of 43 I hit the brick wall. The pretense was all too much. So to summarize... probably from the age of 10 or so I felt that something wasn't right.

Hi, Abigail.  Welcome!

It took me decades to figure it out.  I think it was in my 30s that I started to wonder if I might be transgender.  I always managed to talk myself out of it, conveniently ignoring my compulsive cross-dressing and a multitude of other clues going back to age 7. 

It took seeing a trans person delivering a public lecture to break through my internal transphobia and realize that I needed to investigate this seriously.  That brought me here to Susan's Place.  A year later, I came out to my wife (at age 61) and started my transition.

I definitely felt something was wrong when I was a child.

When I was a teenager, I definitely had a desire to become a woman, but I thought that was just too weird.

When I was in college (back in the early 90s), I discovered what a "transsexual" was on Usenet boards (the word "transgender" didn't exist back then!), and everyone who said they were a transsexual was expressing feelings that I felt. That's when I knew.

Hi Abby,

I'm trying to work it all out too.

I'm 36, and only 6 months ago did I even consider asking myself am I transgender? Asking that one question has blown my mind apart. Every single day since then, I have questioned everything about myself and my past. I am just reaching a point where the noise in my head is calm enough to be able to actual speak to people. I have found a therapist I am seeing on Thursday and an old friend who has already been amazing.

I'm not jumping onto any labels yet, but I do feel that I probably am transgender. Unfortunately, there's no check list like the flu, so I'm going backwards and forwards from acceptance to self ridicule. It's a bizarre place to be, particularly when you're trying to be a husband and dad and no one knows. I'm quite an optimist though, and in a twisted way I am enjoying the ride because something, somewhere in there feels right. I expect it to be very very hard whatever I decide to do, but all you can do is take a step at a time.

One thing I do wonder is how much testosterone stops your mind being your own. I'm no where near starting any form of HRT, but I wish I could try it for a month to see if the real me might be in there.

I've found everyone on here to be amazingly supportive, so keep those questions coming

Be as you are

Lucy x

I can remember as far back as 5. I was so torn in my teenage years. I wanted to have a period so badly that I used my mother's tampons. I'm lucky to not have gotten toxic shock syndrome..

Hi Abby!

   I took my a long time to figure out. When I was younger I didnt have the knowledge or words to comprehend what was 'wrong' with me. Then when I was in college I began to serious question it but I think I convinced myself that I was just 'faking' it. Then a few years ago, I decided that I probably was trans but only a little. I figured I could just ignore it and I would be fine.
   Honestly, weirdly, the 2016 election was part of what made me really accept and commit to who I was. I think in the back of my head I had been thinking things were getting better and better. With Jenner, Laverne Cox and the other celebrity trans people in the news and the more open culture toward the LGBT culture in general, I thought I could give it another 5 years and I would be okay to transition. After the election, I realized on a deeper level that nothing is certain. I decided that I couldnt wait forever hoping the world would change. So for me that's when I really knew, accepted and really committed to transitioning.
Sending you positive thoughts as you travel your own journey!

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

Abigail,

I am kinda in the same boat as you, i.e. still trying to figure things out. And so far it has been taken me a long time (I am in my early to mid 50ies).

I remember as a teenager I used to fantasize about being a woman or wanting to know how it feels having breasts or wearing a dress, etc. While I always enjoyed these thoughts, I also always pushed them away as just some sexual fantasies and outwardly I tried to avoid anything feminine like the plague. For example, I wouldn't wear anything red or pink, or wear anything androgynous, like a shirt with a racerback or certain types of men's briefs without a fly. DOn't get me wrong, I would have really loved wearing these things, but also was afraid of inadvertently outing myself. I was also very interested in anything gender-bending or related to transsexualism (the term transgender didn't exist back then), like news, articles or certain movies (Tootsie, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Switch, Second Serve, etc to name a few) but was very careful not to show that interest to anybody.

After I got into the dating game (very late, already in my 20ies) lots of these things went away except for the occasional being a woman fantasy before falling asleep. Then I got married and for the first 10 years I continued like this.

Then in 2006 my interest in transgender issues resurfaced as did a need to crossdress. And these thoughts and crossdressing needs continued to intensify. It started with a bra, followed by a panty, then skirt, blouse, pumps, breast forms, jewelry, a bag, etc. It never was enough. I always considered myself a crossdresser, telling myself thanks god I am not transgender, since I would make a terribly ugly woman. I also started to let my hair grow out, I was hesitant to cut my fingernails, and I started to shave my body hair. At the same time keeping all the crossdressing secret from my wife took its toll until I finally came out to her last November and started therapy. I also joined a support group and went out in public for the first time with some of the folks there.

Now, I am still trying to figure out where on the trans spectrum I fit in. From the fact that I crossdress and enjoy doing it and enjoy being out as woman I conclude that I am transgender. I just don't know yet how far. Lately I am thinking about how wonderful it would be to start HRT, but then my male brain kicks in and tells me not to be stupid since HRT is the start of a slippery road. And my wife doesn't like the idea either. So for now I am experimenting as far as I can to see if I can find a clue that would indicate the HRT route isn't for me. So far I haven't fond any.

Hugs,

HM

Quote from: Abigail_ on March 04, 2019, 02:45:32 PM
Hi I am new here, i was just wondering when everyone here knew when they were transgender and how they knew, like was it just an instinct?


Here's my situation. My name is Abby, and i really cant tell if I'm transgender or not. At times I feel like I'm a female and at other times I dont. I'm not interested in other men (which means nothing, just doesnt help my knowing) I like women. But do i just like women so much that i might want to be them?

Hi Abigail

Lots of great answers here and there is probably little I can add but I fall into the category of knowing I was different at an early age and it really scared me. I lived in a small town and a time where being openly hostile towards LBGTQI+ people was just considered the norm. I did everything I could think of not to pursue how I felt. I hoped when I reached puberty that it would all just go away. It didn't in fact it got worse...it took many years of therapy and dealing with the self delusion before I finally accepted the truth about myself.

Most cis people do not even think about their gender...for most of them sexual orientation and their gender line up as one so they never have to think about tit.

I would suggest you find yourself a good therapist and get them to help you work it out...You could start with this question...Do you want/ wish to be female? if the answer is yes then I guess you are by definition Transgender...the bigger question is "What are you going to do about it?"

Liz

Hello Abigail

I am one of those that knew as a child and I told my grandmother aged 4 in 1959 I wished to be a girl. I crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life and buried and suppressed till it became so dominant, that I had to take action. In 2017 I decided to seek a therapist and afterwards we both agreed HRT the right course of  action wef February 2018. I shall be publicly transitioning in Summer aged 64.

However age is not a determining factor and you may realize at any age 4-84!

In the 1960s the only well known term was ->-bleeped-<- and I incorrectly assumed I was one and the term transsexual only became known in the 1970s and then I knew the correct medical term. Transgender wasn't used till around 2005 here in the UK and it is an umbrella term to encompass both these groups and several other categories (eg non binary).

It was also generally assumed by society and perhaps the medical world that there were many more ->-bleeped-<-s than transsexuals. I cannot comment on whether they were right or wrong as we have no statistics.

I am now so glad that the medical world understands ->-bleeped-<- much better than even 20 years ago and that society is gradually showing more acceptance especially young people.

I wish you happiness and success whatever action you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela   

Hi, Abigail,

I didn't know, or even suspect, until I was nearly 60. I figured it out suddenly, while I was looking for something else.

That doesn't mean I was unaffected, or didn't suffer gender dysphoria; I did. It was simply deeply repressed. When I look back at my life, I can see it, and see the incredible damage it caused. Now that I'm out to myself, so many things have changed for the better. Problems I thought insoluble all my life have simply melted away.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it really doesn't matter how you get here, if this is the place for you. What matters is that you do. If you're transgender, coming out to yourself is a foretaste of heaven. Life finally makes sense.

Quote from: Ann W on March 05, 2019, 09:40:34 AM
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it really doesn't matter how you get here, if this is the place for you. What matters is that you do. If you're transgender, coming out to yourself is a foretaste of heaven. Life finally makes sense.

Life finally making sense is a good way to put it.  That is how it was for me.  All of a sudden, all kinds of random crap in my life that made no sense at all at the time finally snapped into focus and made sense.  I still get random revelations, when I will remember something from my past and suddenly realize, "OMG, now I get it!"

I didn't really start feeling different until late elementary school. Still, I had no idea what the feelings were or meant. I interpreted it as just wanting to be a girl. I had never been made aware that being transgender was even a concept, so I was confused. When my parents gave me "the talk" and started giving me puberty books, I looked all over the Q&A's looking to see if there was anything at all about "I feel like I'm a woman instead". Nothing. So I just thought I was alone and a freak. That didn't stop me from praying all of the time that I would wake up the right sex the next morning.

Finally somewhere around 2003-2004, I walked into my mom's room (she was absent, so this wasn't something she was watching) and on the TV there was a documentary about transgender people and then it clicked, what I was feeling was valid! So it took me a good few years to get to that point.

I think a lot of us realize something is different between 5 and 8 when gender roles are enforced.  I remember around 7 my father arguing with my mother about how they "are not going to raise a girl."

After that my life was awkward.  I was thrown into a toxic masculinity world.  I started to studder, I had horrible anxiety, they tried special ed, consoling, psychology, the whole works.  This all being in the late 1970's early 1980's.

Then self medicating as a young adult.

I finally figured things out by reflecting on my past and allowing my internal self to come out.

I knew when I started to learn about transgender, and speaking with other transgender people.

That's how I figured it out.  I no longer studder or take any psych meds.  I drink vodka or wine maybe twice a month.  I feel normal and I'm happy.

Only you can answer that question.  As you said maybe it is the case that you like women so much that you want to be one?  Speaking with other transgender people and a therapist may help you answer those questions.

I hope you find the answers you're seeking. 

I was very young when I realized that I wished I were a girl.  I don't think it was until around 1997 that I became familiar with the word Transsexual, although I had heard of ->-bleeped-<- and cross dresser years before that, but neither seemed to fit me.  I'm not sure if I would be considered transgender, as I am not transitioning.  It gets a bit complicated, I feel the dysphoria, want to be a woman, but the fear of transitioning and paranoia of society, and anxiety around people in general tend to keep me from ever progressing.  So,  I'm not sure if I really qualify here.

This is a hard one.....the very first thing I remember was my brother and I having this unspoken understanding that we both knew we were boys. (we're twins)XD We used to pretend we were characters in movies and they were always male (the clock and the candle from beauty and the beast..........and the cool-aid guy) I also used to draw characters that kind of were supposed to represent myself as a way to express this feeling. Later in life i kind of connected the dots and finally figured it out.

I was about 13 1/2 years old. I was seeing a therapist at the time who eventually touched on this subject. Apparently my mother noticed that I wanted to be in the doll aisle every time we were shopping.
Talking about this confirmed to me that I was transgender. I also admitted to the therapist that I have thought many times that I wish I was born a girl.

my earliest memories are of being a daughter and being dressed and treated as one. then around six the males of the family had a talk with Mother about it and I was no longer a daughter but a son. a son never accepted by the family males due to my Mother's desire for a daughter and it being expressed in me. And a son never accepted by the Mother who wanted a daughter but did not want to defend me in that role. So I had an awkward childhood of really only wanting to pay with the girls as one of them but living with the definite disapproval of such behaviors.
What a cluster->-bleeped-<-. only knowing oneself as a girl until six and then have to be a boy or face discipline.
Life changed for the worse at seven when Mother married a, for want of a better term, a gangster. He was a very alpha dominant authoritarian who told my Mother without his influence we would turn out.......GAY! Remember this is in the sixties and things were very different then. So we were left in his care as Mother pursued a bar tending career at night. This led to seven years of extreme sexual abuse in which my brother and I were not only raped repeatedly we were also "loaned out" or pimped to his friends. this went on until I became fifteen and my bother thirteen and it is my belief the bastard knew we were building up a murder and so he split and left us.
This put me in the role of Mother's little man and I went from being the bitch to my stepfather to being my Mother;s bitch. All this time whenever I was with grandmother or another family female I would put on lipstick and let the act calm my tortured self. So I am fifteen and filling the role of Mother to my siblings as she partied the bar life. It was then I knew without doubt who I was and began dressing in Mother's clothes and makeup when alone. Dressing to fit my inner self gave me peace in a life of insanity and I became quite good at being quite a little tart looking girl. Then the hammer fell and My brother caught me dressed and outed me. Mother, Who began the whole thing when I was but a child decided I was deviant and had me held in a psyche facility for six weeks. during that time electroshock was brought up as a treatment option so I got smart quick and "manned" up. This would persist through my first marriage despite growing dysphoria over my artificial male role. And when the marriage ended I would dress every evening after work. How ever in small town rural Oregon in the nineties that is as far as it could go for me then.
Loneliness is real and after three years alone I reached out to a woman I knew who was bisexual and we went on a date. I am female attracted and told her on our first date I consider myself a lesbian. She laughed and did not take it serious as I meant it. Long story short is she was infertile due to being hit by a car and I had a son to rise so we decided to partner up, finish raising my son and have a wild life together. It was during this time I missed the opportunity to come out to her but again rural small town values and fear of backlash kept me silent. Then the impossible happened and she became pregnant. At that point I knew what my future was and I shelved my needs for the last thirty years to raise a family unplanned. No regrets. Good people are the result. But now all the excuses, all the fears, all the dysphoria on hold has broken like a tsunami over me and I am processing the demise of my male persona that was built from pain and misery and the embrace of my divine feminine long suppressed. The slow process of owning myself and presenting as the person I should have been is a difficult thing after decades of wearing a mask. So now at sixty I am on a path I will not stray from again. I am hoping the woman I love will embrace the better self I am becoming as a woman, given her own fluidity when we met.
So in all I would have to say I always was transgender since my earliest time. But societies demands and life has gotten in my way until now.
Good god I am so bottled up I puke my life in a post.
Apologies if I overshared.
Besos     

Quote from: Am I Lucy? on March 04, 2019, 06:19:58 PM

One thing I do wonder is how much testosterone stops your mind being your own. I'm no where near starting any form of HRT, but I wish I could try it for a month to see if the real me might be in there.

Hi Lucy!

This is anecdotal, but I started a T blocker (Spiro) almost four weeks ago.  I also wanted to see if lowering testosterone would make me feel better.  So far I feel more calm, and a lot less angry.  Now, that could just be from taking a big step forward despite some heavy obstacles, but I really do feel like some wall or static is clearing.  I just feel better.

I also am very fatigued, probably a side affect or my metabolism adjusting, or both.  In a few weeks I start Estradiol.

It was somewhat hard last week, I realized I was quite depressed about my marriage ending due do to my transition.  Previously, I had this nervous energy and anger that drove me.  Now I am working through the grief.  Maybe it would have been the same without the T blocker, but who can say?  I consider starting HRT a godsend for my mental/emotional health.

Abby,
My gender identity has been something which I have avoided since High School.  I started obsessing over being a girl when I was 5 or 6, but I was very ashamed of it.  In High School I became very suicidal and I learned how to repress it and function, but I  became almost completely emotionally numb.  Got married, had kids, but in the last eight years I kept deteriorating with worse and worse anxiety and depression until last year I became very suicidal again.  I have been in therapy for six years, and I finally unfroze - worst few months of my LIFE, but I am so grateful now because I am more at peace than I have been since I was a small child.  Puberty was HORRIBLE.  I wonder if it was the increase in testosterone.  Who knows? 

Bast of luck to both of you!!
Jael

Transgender was not a widely used term until the end of the eighties and that is when I realized I just might be.I always felt different from an early age.  But there were no gender therapists and so I got admitted to stress therapy groups. I honestly did not understand all those years as we were referred to with contempt. I didn't want to be a ->-bleeped-<-, gay, perv.  I finally learned I had no control over the situation as I was born this way.

I don't even know if or that I am transgender!  Yes, I changed from living as a man to be living as a woman, but I never really was a man. It just happened that I talked with my therapist about this today.  It seems that I did not have those dreams and desires to be dressed like a girl, because I am mostly female with my biology. Somebody decided to do a little creative surgical work and make me into a boy.  When most of you were dreaming to wear girls clothing, I tried as hard as I could to fit with guys clothing into a male world.  That went Ok for several decades, until the bottle top popped, and I could not play a guy anymore.  At that time I slowly started to reclaim my original body and my real gender.  The biology of my body helped out, and started to grow me breasts and atrophied my male genitalia, and now the final surgical phase has started, to eliminate all of that.  Pretty soon I have reclaimed my original body.  It took a while, but better late than never.
With that background, am I a transgender person, or am I just exchanging some body parts?  I really don't know.  My therapist feels that I don't really fit into the general transgender pattern, but I don't really care.

Abby, how does one "know"..well for me I had a "Jesus take the wheel" moment and I let go of all control and let the universe take my soul where it belonged. As fate would have it, I naturally occur on this planet  as a woman, even though I'm housed in a male body (for now). Historically I never had a mean bone in my body. I never wanted to compete as a male. I've always been content being simple, uncomplicated. Like many I ignored the early signs of childhood because I didn't know how to interpret them. Now that I'm an educated adult I can see what yesterday was trying to tell me: "it's okay to be a girl"....So now I can get on with happiness and being authentic.

Sophia

I say around the age of 10, at first I didn't know which one. It was finally at the age of 30 I realized I was bigender. I knew I had the urges to dress as female. Now at 40, I live a better life as Taylor and not going back in my male mode anymore.

Quote from: zamber74 on March 05, 2019, 12:56:26 PM
I was very young when I realized that I wished I were a girl.  I don't think it was until around 1997 that I became familiar with the word Transsexual, although I had heard of ->-bleeped-<- and cross dresser years before that, but neither seemed to fit me.  I'm not sure if I would be considered transgender, as I am not transitioning.  It gets a bit complicated, I feel the dysphoria, want to be a woman, but the fear of transitioning and paranoia of society, and anxiety around people in general tend to keep me from ever progressing.  So,  I'm not sure if I really qualify here.

Hello again Dear Zamber

Your reply 16 was just after mine at 11 and we have similar histories.

I never really expected to address my transgender situation but thought I could live it or rather had to because of the societal disapproval but as I say, eventually I had no choice other than to deal with it and I am publicly transitioning in Summer.

Whether you take action to deal with being transgender either now or in the future or not at all is of course entirely up to you. The time may come or it may not.

However from your post, you most certainly do qualify as transgender. One's transgender status is not decided by degree of transition; many do not transition but are still equally valid in realizing/determining/calling themselves transgender.

Hugs

Pamela

I guess my determination that a terrifying word ... that word, applied to me, was long and  enchanting/painful. 
When I eventually relented to the building pressure to express, in even a minor way, I was in heaven.  When I resisted for more than a few months after that, I was lost in frustration. 
There were so many hints through my early years, and only upon tallying them did that produce the mind shattering revelation that I was transgender ... without a doubt. 
A 25 hour a week obsession with YouTube TG videos was the key to seeing my identity clearly.  So many times I could relate exactly with the feelings expressed.
I was in deep shock for weeks when the absolute conclusion hit me.
Getting to the point of forgiving myself is another story, but I am there now and the happiest I have ever been.  My personality was released.  Humor and creativity just bubbled up from within, even though I'm open to just two people so far.  I'm so much easier to be around.



Loving community,

Lauren

Quote from: Finding Lauren on March 06, 2019, 08:13:00 AM
I guess my determination that a terrifying word ... that word, applied to me, was long and  enchanting/painful. 
When I eventually relented to the building pressure to express, in even a minor way, I was in heaven.  When I resisted for more than a few months after that, I was lost in frustration. 
There were so many hints through my early years, and only upon tallying them did that produce the mind shattering revelation that I was transgender ... without a doubt. 
A 25 hour a week obsession with YouTube TG videos was the key to seeing my identity clearly.  So many times I could relate exactly with the feelings expressed.
I was in deep shock for weeks when the absolute conclusion hit me.
Getting to the point of forgiving myself is another story, but I am there now and the happiest I have ever been.  My personality was released.  Humor and creativity just bubbled up from within, even though I'm open to just two people so far.  I'm so much easier to be around.



Loving community,

Lauren

Hi Lauren,

I can relate to your post very well!  I still feel like a train wreck, but for the first time since I was a child I can actually imagine getting back on the tracks and moving forward.

Jeal,

Susan's had a posting before about the good things about being trans.  It took me from shock to forgiveness.  I didn't realize I needed to forgive myself, but accepting being trans is a long way from being at peace.
The post listed "tendencies" for trans people.  I had no idea that more than feminine interests for me were part of this.  Some believe our brains are somewhat double wired.  As a result we often tend to:

-be more intelligent
-be more creative
-have good taste
-watch less sports, and be more interested in ideas

Reading it I heard the words of my friends.  These were the things they liked most about me ... and the things I liked most about myself. 
Would I give up these traits and the appreciation for women's things, to be normal (is that boring?) if I could?
I couldn't and I know I'm better this way.  Instant forgiveness.



Lauren, definitely Lauren

Quote from: Finding Lauren on March 06, 2019, 03:42:03 PM
Jeal,

-be more intelligent
-be more creative
-have good taste
-watch less sports, and be more interested in ideas

Lauren, definitely Lauren

I think the first point jives pretty well with the second one.

I don't know how close it applies t me, but I made my living in a research lab, and had to be creative all the time.

The third point would apply to me, because everybody thinks i am dressed very well all the time, and also have a very good taste for specialty foods and I appreciate them.

And for number four, I can't remember that I watched sports ever, in fact, I do not have a working TV!  And if one does not waste time with watching TV, ideas are the stuff that keeps one going!

Since I became aware there were boys and girls, I felt I was on the wrong side. At 4 years old, I asked my Mother why I had to be a boy, 'cause I was really a girl, and she told me I had to be a boy and if I told anyone else I would get into really big trouble. So I grew up confused, and cried nightly as puberty made me into the man I had vowed never to be. It was in my teens (mid 1960's )before I first heard terms for gender confused people, and I realised I wasn't alone so I could loosely put a name to what I was, but the term transgender didn't come for decades.

All I knew as a young person that any male who was in any way feminine was a 'Poofter" and could be bashed without fear of being charged. It was actually seen as a way of 'straightening out bent people'.

Allie

Quote from: CindyLouFromCO on March 05, 2019, 11:35:19 AM
I think a lot of us realize something is different between 5 and 8 when gender roles are enforced.  I remember around 7 my father arguing with my mother about how they "are not going to raise a girl."

After that my life was awkward...... 

Thank you for sharing this concept Cindy Lou.  My gender did not seem to matter at home and I was named Tessa by my older sister at age 3 as we played together as sisters.  My older brother warned me but it was in the strictly gendered parochial school system where I found myself in trouble and knew myself to be way different.  That was years before the word transgender had even been coined.  If our families and culture allowed a greater range of gender expression I think we would find many more people acknowledging their hidden truths.  Enforcement is key to cultural oppression and domination by simplistic binary thinking.  We are the truth too many must be afraid of.  What happens due to fear and ignorance is legion and well documented here and in real time.  Why does our gender matter so much to so many?

Quote from: Dietlind on March 06, 2019, 04:20:14 PM
I think the first point jives pretty well with the second one.

I don't know how close it applies t me, but I made my living in a research lab, and had to be creative all the time.

The third point would apply to me, because everybody thinks i am dressed very well all the time, and also have a very good taste for specialty foods and I appreciate them.

And for number four, I can't remember that I watched sports ever, in fact, I do not have a working TV!  And if one does not waste time with watching TV, ideas are the stuff that keeps one going!

On the creativity front I have to mention that this woman-business that is constantly in the back of my head really has an impact on my creativity. It kind of occupies all the time when I can let my thoughts roam free (which is also the most creative time) and then there is no time left for creative ideas. (I have to mention that I am pre-transitioning FTM).

So, Dietlind, would you have even been more creative if you hadn't have to deal with gender issues?


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Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on March 06, 2019, 05:05:04 PM
On the creativity front I have to mention that this woman-business that is constantly in the back of my head really has an impact on my creativity. It kind of occupies all the time when I can let my thoughts roam free (which is also the most creative time) and then there is no time left for creative ideas. (I have to mention that I am pre-transitioning FTM).

So, Dietlind, would you have even been more creative if you hadn't have to deal with gender issues?


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OOPS, I meant pre-transitioning MTF.


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Quote from: Iztaccihuatl on March 06, 2019, 05:05:04 PM
On the creativity front I have to mention that this woman-business that is constantly in the back of my head really has an impact on my creativity. It kind of occupies all the time when I can let my thoughts roam free (which is also the most creative time) and then there is no time left for creative ideas. (I have to mention that I am pre-transitioning FTM).

So, Dietlind, would you have even been more creative if you hadn't have to deal with gender issues?


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I don't think so.  Our lab was so absolutely gender neutral (a white lab coat makes males and females look pretty much the same), and we had about the same number persons of each gender working there.
I think gender did not even come into my thoughts at that time.  This is the first time that I even take gender in consideration in relation to my work.  I really don't think gender or not would have made any difference.

Some funny little thing about my work.

I was a pretty popular seminar speaker, and was invited to many medical; conferences as a speaker.  it happened more than once that women came to m during a break and told me that they could listen to me speak forever because of the sound of my voice and my accent!
There it was out, they did not come because of the quality of the information, just for some version of sexist reason to hear my sweet voice with the accent!

I didn't have a name for it... but when I was 2 years old I knew I wanted to be a girl. I was in playgroup and was playing with a purple sparkly car... it was a beach buggy/beetle type car... lots of rounded curves, I wasn't interested in the angular cars and that was the only one which was pretty. Another boy had ALL of the other cars and wanted the car I was playing with too and started getting violent about it. I looked up for the 'supervisor'/'staff' woman for help and then I noticed a girl who had long hair tied back with either a ribbon or headband (my memory is good but not that good) and was wearing a beautiful dress, tights, and playing with a rag doll and push chair... and all I could think of was that I wanted to be like her.

I've no idea if I said anything to my parents about it, but I learned very quickly that I had to pretend to like boy things... and to a certain extent I didn't mind some of the things... action men was just dolls for boys and I liked the nice uniforms and dressing them up etc. Toy soldiers were not too bad, lego was unisex, and I liked strategy games. So it wasn't too difficult. But I always longed to be a girl. That never went away.

A couple of people guessed along the way but not many. One baby sitter who recognised that I wanted to be a girl who tried to dress me up and put make up on me but I resisted fiercely because it would've given away my secret. My sister grassed on her to my parents the next day and we never saw that baby sitter again. A teacher guessed and she was awesome. She made a point of teaching us in history that boys in the past used to wear dresses until a certain age and she brought in some victorian clothing and I was so chuffed that I was the only person in the class who could fit into the corset. She allowed me to do baking and cooking during story time too. And she gave me an excuse to wear some make up without giving away my secret by getting me involved in the school plays. She was great.

The worst time was between 13-24... I was suicidal at 17. I didn't know it was called dysphoria then... but it was really bad. I tried to cut my genitals off several times but couldn't make myself do it. I was crossdressing at every opportunity in my mother's and sister's clothing. Started collecting items and cuttings from newspapers of transsexuals... which were usually negative and sensationalist but there was no internet then. Then I started purging and trying to be manly... and that cycled for a while.

I started dating a bisexual girl around the age of 26 who treated me like a woman in the bedroom and that made things much easier. But eventually she called me out when we saw a transwoman being jeered in the street and she asked if I wanted to be like her... I panicked a little and just replied that I thought she was brave and left it at that. 2 weeks later we split. So when I met my wife, I made sure she knew before we married. I thought I had it under control. I had made my peace with it and decided that I couldn't transition because I would never pass... I was losing my hair, I was too tall, my feet size were too big... think of an excuse and I thought it.

I coped by not thinking about gender. I avoided anything to do with male/female binaries and just thought of people. I hated feminism with a passion because it threatened the illusion of a non-gender society that I had constructed in my mind as a coping mechanism.

However, last year I got laid off from work and had to start applying for new jobs... ticking the male/female box on the equality form became more and more difficult... until eventually the dysphoria just took over once more... this time really strong and it feels like it gets worse every day.

So I've always known since I was 2 years old that I was transgender (even if I didn't have a name for it)... but I've always struggled to suppress it and keep it hidden. Now I am struggling on what to do about it. My doubts are not about who I am, but what to do about it. I need to learn not to worry about what other people think of me and start worrying about myself but that is easier to say than do when you've kept it hidden for so long. It is very difficult.

That seems quite a long post but I've shortened it a lot.

Quote from: Allie Jayne on March 06, 2019, 04:29:49 PM
All I knew as a young person that any male who was in any way feminine was a 'Poofter" and could be bashed without fear of being charged. It was actually seen as a way of 'straightening out bent people'.
Allie

Same experience... except my father was one of the far right nutters who went gay bashing in the town and he's got a criminal record for GBH which he is proud about. I was repeatedly told that anything feminine was bad. There were a couple of boys on the street my father thought were not manly enough and I was repeatedly encouraged to fight them.  My grandmother repeatedly said she only liked boys much to my sister's distress. I was forced to go hunting and I cried a lot at first about having to go... eventually I learned not to cry... meanwhile my sister wanted to go but my father refused to take her. I swear me and her were born in the wrong bodies. My father still calls me a 'pufta' when we get into arguments about his politics... although now he can no longer hit me and I've put him on his back the last two times he's tried. I struggle a lot about what to do because he's still alive. I hate his politics but he's still my Dad and he sounds awful but he wasn't too bad of a father if I played ball and acted male.

Alice,

Your story just breaks my heart.  The trauma of it is ... well my deepest sympathies girl.
The idea of fighting a baby sitter that wanted to dress you, hit me in a way I almost had forgotten.  What a scar, to be offered something you deeply needed, but couldn't take.  I had a similar incident.
My new high school hazed the "frosh", or first year students.  It wasn't brutal, but we were given written instructions on what boys and girls would wear.  I was horrified that boys were to wear pantyhose and their gym shorts, plus some other silly stuff.
Well I was sure that I wouldn't go near pantyhose.  My mother heard about there being instructions and I wanted to hide, despritely, when she expected to see them.  That just peaked her and my sister's interest.  They read them and suddenly went into giggles, and rushed around looking for the right pantyhose for me ... the look in their eyes, and their smiles sent a chill up my spine!  They were into it.  They saw an affront to my manhood as fun turnabout to tease me with.  I also faught wearing girl's things, knowing it might reveal me. Knowing maybe that I couldn't stand the thrill of it.  I regret to this day not going to school in pantyhose with a perfect excuse, not going through the delight of my mother and sister on feminizing me.  Not letting something special threaten to begin back then, with girls that were enjoying it.  Their sympathy and help for such a confused boy was such a likely outcome.
Do you regret not being able to accept the dress from your baby sitter? 
I was I thought very stealth, but I did seem to attract bullies.  I never figured out why.  So many guys have radar for softness.  I felt confused, and that it was just what all the other boys were going through, that I would make it past this too.  My shyness around girls hid the depth of my jealousy.  My withdrawn aura was caused by my feeling that I had no path forward.  I didn't see myself clearly then, and my actions betrayed my deep confusion.
My father was good, but he preferred my brother in subtle ways. Just hat hurt. I cannot imagine going through what you did ... though that one teacher sounded so nice.
Dating saved me.  Finally I had a cover to be so close to the feminine world.  I had permission to have mostly female friends.  It saved me for years, until being faced with the knowledge that the girl I really needed to be close to was within me.  That she was going to be my most challenging catch.  That she was going to turn my life inside out! 


Hugs,

Lauren

Quote from: Finding Lauren on March 07, 2019, 07:40:45 AM

Dating saved me.  Finally I had a cover to be so close to the feminine world.  I had permission to have mostly female friends.  It saved me for years, until being faced with the knowledge that the girl I really needed to be close to was within me.  That she was going to be my most challenging catch.  That she was going to turn my life inside out! 

Lauren,

Living vicariously through my love interests pretty much describe me from 21-43.  It was falling in love with another woman (I have been married 13 years) that finally shook the truth loose from me.  I KNEW the young lady was a)a train wreck and horrible for me, b)I should be craving sex with her, why did I just yearn for her?  Why would I destroy my life for this girl?  It took me almost six months to come to grips with the truth, even though a month after it happened I had create a girl name for myself and was noticing that I was starting to dress and act like her.

So, now my old life is broken wide open, but I feel like I am finally on the right road.  MY road.  I wish things were different/easier, but it was fatalism that always doomed me.  I will never be what I feel I was meant to be, but why should that stop me from moving in the direction of my heart?

I am good friends with the young lady now.  I helped her get into a prestigious internship and there isn't a trace of sexual desire for her, though I still wish we could trade bodies :D

Hi Lauren,

It sounds like you went through a little bit of a similar experience about feeling the need to hide and reacting badly when anyone came close to revealing your secret.

Bullying... I feel your pain there... I was always a very chatty child. People used to joke that I could give any girl a run for her money when it came to talking. The first time I realised that it was possible to change sex, I was about 10 or 11 years old. There was a transwoman who lived in my village, her life was pure hell. The kids and a few adults would call her names and throw things at her etc. I was playing by myself in a local park and a couple of older kids came by with one lad from my year. While we were talking the transwoman walked by and the lads started shouting names at her and picking up rotting plums from a nearby tree and throwing them at her. I refused to join in. I was just shocked that it was possible to change sex. She was like an angel from heaven in my mind.

It was not long before the boys realised that I wasn't joining in their torment and they turned on me instead. They pinned me down on the ground and force fed me a rotten plum refusing to let me back up until I swallowed it. After that my life became pure hell. I was bullied on a daily basis and beaten up whenever they could catch me for the next 6-7 years. Anyone who tried to be my friend received the same treatment. I had a few friends in secret but they would not be seen with me in public or at school. I was completely ostricised at school. Beaten up regularly in the toilets or on the school bus.

I never gave them any excuse to do what they did to me... but I went from chatty to quiet. I am myself online but in person, I find it difficult to talk in company.

love
Alice

Quote from: Alice (nym) on March 06, 2019, 09:15:07 PM

So I've always known since I was 2 years old that I was transgender (even if I didn't have a name for it)... but I've always struggled to suppress it and keep it hidden. Now I am struggling on what to do about it. My doubts are not about who I am, but what to do about it. I need to learn not to worry about what other people think of me and start worrying about myself but that is easier to say than do when you've kept it hidden for so long. It is very difficult.

Alice,

I understand the suppression/repression, as I am intimately familiar with it.  You amaze me in that you have come to terms with it despite the hostility of your environment.  I live in a very progressive part of the country, and although my parents are toxic, they at least are accepting of my gender identity and transition, and it is still really hard for me!

It's corny, but I have to constantly remind myself that baby steps are fine, and that it is most important that I am moving forward, however slowly.

13-24 was my worst time as well.  I became almost completely emotionally numb after that point so life was easier, but flat and grey.

This was the kind of artwork I was making a year ago before starting to come out:
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dcbyygu-bb218800-c7a1-45b8-a734-43b705226303.jpg/v1/fill/w_400,h_648,q_70,strp/a_slow_release_by_krumr_dcbyygu-fullview.jpg?)

That was then, this is now
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dd1d9qw-a1fbd86d-0520-49d3-82b6-074eae05ee85.jpg/v1/fill/w_400,h_961,q_70,strp/star_by_krumr_dd1d9qw-fullview.jpg)

COLOR :D

Quote from: Jeal on March 07, 2019, 02:28:24 PM
Alice,


That was then, this is now
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dd1d9qw-a1fbd86d-0520-49d3-82b6-074eae05ee85.jpg/v1/fill/w_400,h_961,q_70,strp/star_by_krumr_dd1d9qw-fullview.jpg)

COLOR :D

I like both pieces!  I am always impressed when I see artwork, because I am as artsy as a dead rock!  I can't sing, I can't draw, I can't play an instrument, I am just a simple klutz!

But I enjoy art!

Oh wow, Jeal... that's really impressive. I used to draw in my teens but most of it wasn't original, just copying other people's work. I wrote a lot of really bad poetry.

I wrote this one when I was 17... one of many very similar and sometimes very long poems.

QuotePrisoner of Life

I sit alone in a darkness that only my soul can see.
Gazing out into the still of the night,
My heart reaches out to touch you.
But you're not there for me.

No moon shines on this world, my world.
No stars in the sky, and no wind blows through the air.
There are no sounds, no sight, no feelings.
Just a deep sad lonely void.

And as I gaze out into your world,
My heart breaks and my pride lies shattered.
Tears roll softly down my cheeks,
Falling into an abyss of never ending sorrow.

The muffled breathing breaks the silence.
As I weep softly in this prison I've created.
Trapped in this room with nowhere to go.
Allowed nowhere, in fear of my life.

Am I resulted in staring out on the world,
Through the asylum of my soul?
My depression lives on with no hope of dying.
I dream of you night and day... [you = my female soul]

When you talk to me, I become transformed,
A phoenix from the ashes, a tree from winter.
I dance with joy that spreads and engulfs all.
My soul burns and the life flows through me.

Yet, I have to return, like the phoenix,
like the tree,
For I'm a prisoner of life, with no escape, and no death.

My poems never improved much... I wrote this one just two years ago...

QuoteThe will to be free

How can we believe what we see, when watching the world on a tv screen
A letter box view told through camera angles represents only an editor's dream
People's imagination gathering dust in books sitting on shelves
But trapped in language how can we possibly seek to express ourselves

Violence errupts but only witnessed on the media's worthless pages of ink
Telling a fable but unworthy of Aesop, a political meaning we are led to think
To consider reality is absurb, nothing can be there what we see or hear, only what we create
Our ears interpret vibrations and our eyes reflect light but our mind is what governs our fate

What we acknowledge as true is different for everyone and yet we refer to it as the same
We are affraid to be ourselves and we're easily led, those who believe otherwise we label insane
Attaching meaning to words in making our judgement we worship the noun at the expense of the verb
Our political conscious governs what we thought we heard adding untold meaning to this or that word

The unintelligible rantings of those who think themselves sane shouting out their abusive hate
'Everyone is wrong but we know best', delude themselves that they can live their lives free of fate
But its not those who question the reality of their lives that should be considered among the mad
Rather the world we are conned into knowing when revealed leaves us feeling that we've all been had

And we sit blind in our selfishness believing the lies of those who preach we belong to a nation
How can we possibly be part of the collective when we have yet to find individual realisation
Hooked in these chains of conformity, herded by the social and our own discursive limitation
We tear at our flesh trying to break free but unaware of the bonds in our constructed imitation

Caught in the web of consumerism and industrial capitalism, to ourselves we are a slave
But the spinning spider is not the corporate giant nor society but our inability to be brave
It is impossible to demonstrate or find freedom in this world and there are no words to be said
Escaping the life we have created in our own minds can only be realised by becoming brain dead

Ahh... but reading other people's poems is boring as hell... so please forgive my indulgence. It is lovely to see your art so full of colour. Perhaps my poems will move away from dying inside when I finally realise my true self.

Quote from: Jeal on March 07, 2019, 01:57:37 PM
I should be craving sex with her, why did I just yearn for her?  Why would I destroy my life for this girl? 
I still wish we could trade bodies :D

Jeal,

Craving girls sometimes more than desiring to have sex with them is a new angle.  I may have felt that at times.  I also liked to extend the petting phase, not to get too serious.
My TG crisis happened entirely within my marriage, and that marriage somehow (lots of work) it survived.  We are even stronger now, unbelievably.
Making progress is the only thing that keeps me sane too.  That and now sharing with more people here.



Lauren

Hi Alice

Wow you took me back to my bullied years (grades 7 & 8).  I remember the panic, torment and fear.  I had a gang against me.  I cannot imagine facing that treatment for as long as you have.
I broke out of the cycle by facing them.  Ken the short evil manipulator was the leader, and directed a lot of my torment by his stronger gang members.  I decided to chase him down, no matter which gang member was after me.  It took 5 times, and a particularly fun capture of him alone, with a big black sharpie pertinent marker, before he backed the whole gang off. 
Many fights came to me outside that, but I was lucky to be strong enough, and fast enough to win every time.  My rage came out after the first couple of swings at me.  I hated fighting, but the bullying cycle would start over if I wasn't seen to be the winner.  My softer/confused personality attracted trouble, and well you took me back to that dark place.
One time my brother came running to my rescue.  That was priceless for the soul.
I wish we could be there to stand up for you girl.


Bruised, but not beaten,

Lauren

PS. I became so much more talkative and happy with everyone , after I came out secretly to my wife.  It let so much internal pressure off.

Hi again Jeal,

The before and after artwork is so expressive, and so good.  Both give me familiar TG feelings. 
The creativity I wrote of that comes with a TG mind is clear. 
TG may be weird to deal with, but it's also weirdly a gift.
Can I ask, would you press the classic magic button if you could be cis and normal, but have less creativity, IQ and appreciation of feminine things?  I couldn't lose that much.

A hug for the artist,

Lauren

Quote from: Finding Lauren on March 07, 2019, 10:38:53 PM
Hi again Jeal,

The before and after artwork is so expressive, and so good.  Both give me familiar TG feelings. 
The creativity I wrote of that comes with a TG mind is clear. 
TG may be weird to deal with, but it's also weirdly a gift.
Can I ask, would you press the classic magic button if you could be cis and normal, but have less creativity, IQ and appreciation of feminine things?  I couldn't lose that much.

A hug for the artist,

Lauren

Thank you for your kind words :)

Yes, my experiences, my life, has given me a depth and self awareness that I cherish and am grateful for. That said, I would DEFINITELY take the trade. My heart longs for that far more than it does to be an artist or creative. However, I am so glad I have those gifts because I would probably have become a serious drug addict or killed myself to cope without them.

My cup is half full, but I wouldn't mind a full glass :)

Quote from: Alice (nym) on March 07, 2019, 03:54:10 PM
Oh wow, Jeal... that's really impressive. I used to draw in my teens but most of it wasn't original, just copying other people's work. I wrote a lot of really bad poetry.

I wrote this one when I was 17... one of many very similar and sometimes very long poems.



My poems never improved much... I wrote this one just two years ago...

Ahh... but reading other people's poems is boring as hell... so please forgive my indulgence. It is lovely to see your art so full of colour. Perhaps my poems will move away from dying inside when I finally realise my true self.

Never be ashamed of your art; it is your voice and your truth, and people who seek truth and honesty will always appreciate it.  I rather thought your second one would go well as a rap; que Run DMC! In all serious, you deal with themes that are all too relevant to me; I feel it.

I used to draw a picture in High School of a crying girl banging on the walls of a glass jar.  In November I painted this:
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dd1km9s-c5a59150-e111-44ae-b4e9-83cae27c37e1.jpg/v1/fill/w_670,h_1192,q_70,strp/letter_to_mom_and_dad_by_krumr_dd1km9s-pre.jpg)

The love letter was me venting to my parents.  Lots of issues there :/

Quote from: Jeal on March 08, 2019, 12:20:03 AM
Never be ashamed of your art; it is your voice and your truth, and people who seek truth and honesty will always appreciate it.  I rather thought your second one would go well as a rap; que Run DMC!

I used to draw a picture in High School of a crying girl banging on the walls of a glass jar.  In November I painted this:
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dd1km9s-c5a59150-e111-44ae-b4e9-83cae27c37e1.jpg/v1/fill/w_670,h_1192,q_70,strp/letter_to_mom_and_dad_by_krumr_dd1km9s-pre.jpg)

The love letter was me venting to my parents.  Lots of issues there :/

Hi Jeal

I love that drawing...I kinda feel that way myself

LizK

Another awesome picture Jeal. I really like that one.

Quote from: Jeal on March 07, 2019, 11:55:44 PM
Thank you for your kind words :)

Yes, my experiences, my life, has given me a depth and self awareness that I cherish and am grateful for. That said, I would DEFINITELY take the trade. My heart longs for that far more than it does to be an artist or creative.

Hey Jeal,

You mean you would hit the magic button to be a cis girl, and miss creativity/IQ etc right?  You don't mean you would hit the button to be a cis guy with lower creativity/IQ I assume?
The series of magic button test questions begin easy (push to be a girl forever), but it becomes meaningful when the question is to be a cis guy, at peace with his identity ... especially when for me I read into it then the loss of greater creativity (plus IQ, plus better taste, plus the sports distractions and insensitivity) that I saw and believe now from another article.  That choice is frustrating, but teaches you self appreciation in a flash.
Let's have fun with our strengths together, and take baby steps as we can to change our weaker/unfulfilling aspects.
The strength I developed defeating my bullies helped me in many ways.  I cannot believe i had the courage to take the steps in self exploration and transformation I have, and that gang of bullies helped make that possible.


Your friend,

Lauren

Quote from: Jeal on March 08, 2019, 12:20:03 AM
Never be ashamed of your art; it is your voice and your truth, and people who seek truth and honesty will always appreciate it.  I rather thought your second one would go well as a rap; que Run DMC! In all serious, you deal with themes that are all too relevant to me; I feel it.

I used to draw a picture in High School of a crying girl banging on the walls of a glass jar.  In November I painted this:
(https://images-wixmp-ed30a86b8c4ca887773594c2.wixmp.com/f/edf81101-c607-4e0e-8977-cd999bd053b6/dd1km9s-c5a59150-e111-44ae-b4e9-83cae27c37e1.jpg/v1/fill/w_670,h_1192,q_70,strp/letter_to_mom_and_dad_by_krumr_dd1km9s-pre.jpg)

The love letter was me venting to my parents.  Lots of issues there :/

Wow, that's a very emotional and beautiful drawing. You're a really good artist, love the use of the color pink in this one. :o

Quote from: Finding Lauren on March 08, 2019, 07:48:38 AM
You mean you would hit the magic button to be a cis girl, and miss creativity/IQ etc right?  You don't mean you would hit the button to be a cis guy with lower creativity/IQ I assume?

The strength I developed defeating my bullies helped me in many ways.  I cannot believe i had the courage to take the steps in self exploration and transformation I have, and that gang of bullies helped make that possible.

I love the question - I enjoy these sort of mental gymnastics, and you are so correct.  I want the fairy godmother Cinderella experience TYVM.  I would definitely stick with my lot in life than hit the 'man' button.  No clue why, it is just a visceral no brainer.

I think what you are alluding to in your second point is what I would describe as 'post traumatic growth'.  My struggles have made me who I am, and they've left some marks, but I want to heal from them, not erase them.  I've grown stronger because of facing and overcoming them. They have made and are making me  more fully embodied, understanding and compassionate as a human being. I think in every other aspect of my life I would not hit the 'magic button'.  Whether it be with my failing marriage, my parents, PTSD, bullying etc etc.  I'll take a chance on the 'girl' button though should it ever present itself =P

On a side note, one should get a medal when they finish electrolysis.  Just sayin'.  Darn my high pain sensitivity :(

Quote from: OliverR. on March 08, 2019, 08:23:07 AM
Wow, that's a very emotional and beautiful drawing. You're a really good artist, love the use of the color pink in this one. :o

Thank you :D - I've always had a thing for rose hues (my mother was always violently anti-feminine so I can't bring myself to use the word 'pink')

Quote from: Jeal on March 08, 2019, 03:17:56 PM
I love the question - I enjoy these sort of mental gymnastics, and you are so correct.  I want the fairy godmother Cinderella experience TYVM.  I would definitely stick with my lot in life than hit the 'man' button.  No clue why, it is just a visceral no brainer.

I think what you are alluding to in your second point is what I would describe as 'post traumatic growth'.  My struggles have made me who I am, and they've left some marks, but I want to heal from them, not erase them.  I've grown stronger because of facing and overcoming them. They have made and are making me  more fully embodied, understanding and compassionate as a human being. I think in every other aspect of my life I would not hit the 'magic button'.  Whether it be with my failing marriage, my parents, PTSD, bullying etc etc.  I'll take a chance on the 'girl' button though should it ever present itself =P

On a side note, one should get a medal when they finish electrolysis.  Just sayin'.  Darn my high pain sensitivity :(

Yes laser early hrt was MUCH less painful!

Hey Jeal,

I love the insights you and the other girl's bring.  It was David Byrne that wrote a song with the lines "The sweetest flowers grow around the out house.  That's why God spreads the ->-bleeped-<- around."  Your tuff experiences and Alice's made reminded me of that pearl.
I got a crazy idea for a girl button.  A labeled cute pink "girl" button would come in the mail with a USB plug.  Maybe it could have a plain "boy" button also.  It could have a few lines and some cute music each day, or a fun suggestion.  If it begin with a survey, then it could tease you with a "na" or a "you're too cute" response to the boy button, and a giggle plus a knowing cute response to the girl button.  With a program behind it, there is no knowing how much of a cute companion it could almost be.  I was in R&D for a while, and I guess I have always had crazy ideas.  It's crazy, but I would like one if the voice was just right and the responses were creative (even open source).
Oh yah, did electrolysis just torment you, or did you find your inner girl getting a thrill in the mirror?  I shave as much of my body as I can stay stealth with, but ... yah but!



Lauren

Quote from: Finding Lauren on March 09, 2019, 12:15:09 PM
Oh yah, did electrolysis just torment you, or did you find your inner girl getting a thrill in the mirror?  I shave as much of my body as I can stay stealth with, but ... yah but!

Hi Lauren,

I LOVE the results, I HATE the pain.  After an hour I am super shaky.  I hate the hair more than the pain though, so onward we go.