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Title: Here I Go Again
Post by: chaoticneutral on March 05, 2019, 12:04:08 AM
Post by: chaoticneutral on March 05, 2019, 12:04:08 AM
Hello Everyone,
I've been on this forum before, but due to some of the stuff that's happened since I honestly couldn't even stomach getting back on my old account, even if I had remembered the log in information.
I'm back on the forum mostly to just trying to figure out who I am and have a support network in doing so...and for some reason, I always take advice better from strangers than friends and family.
Long story short, (or as short as I can make it)...I was born female...I went through a lot of "phases" where I dressed almost exclusively male, and even had friends refer to me by he/him and whatever male name I'd chose to play around with at the time.
It wasn't until I kept having these "phases" that I realized maybe they weren't phases and actually decided to see a therapist. I got a letter and got on T. I was SO happy on the T and male presenting, like the T did WONDERS for me...my confidence, my overall demeanor, it balanced my hormones in a way I didn't think was possible, and even allowed me to stop taking medication for anxiety and depression. My work place was VERY accommodating and awesome about it too, and my family wasn't UNsupportive, but they were having a REALLY hard time adjusting.
Well.....I had a MAJOR freak out and started doubting myself, just as I'd done in all my "phases" before I panicked and started to crave being feminine again. I started thinking about all the stuff I'd never have, like a child from my own womb, and the "mother/daughter" relationship I've spent my entire life in with my best friend...who is my mother...In addition my blood pressure was through the roof for someone my age, and I had pretty much lost any hope of ever being able to get top and bottom surgeries....(Not to mention I went from 150lbs to almost 200lbs before I found an intense calorie burning hobby.)
I stopped the T, and I was too ashamed to tell my work place I was stopping my transition so I tried to find another job. Skipping over all THAT craziness.... because OOF...that's going to make this long story even longer.
Anyway, I am now back in my backwards, small, Podunk, redneck, bible belt, RED, home town, and I'm having the urges to be masculine again, and it's literally like my brain is fighting itself...It's like my brains like "Kinda wanna be a pretty boy...but like what if we wanna be a pretty girl? But like what if we were a guy??" Like it's tug of war for gender dominance.
So I finally accepted I'm neutral or bi-gender or non-conforming...IDK what it actually falls under, but it's like that also isn't good enough for me?
I have NO problem with people who are genuinely happy without conforming to one gender, but the idea of being that way myself just gets my anxiety going off the rails.
I have very little money, no insurance, and no access to doctors or therapists or psychiatrists right now...and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes all over again. Let alone I could NEVER do it this hick town...I've noticed a lot of transgender people are living here now, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT put myself in that position of ridicule down here, I cannot handle it. Which leaves me a lot of time to find myself for the time being, but it doesn't make it any less stressful or important to me.
So...in conclusion...I'm here to just kinda read other peoples stuff and maybe get some advice here and there. I know only I can truly know and decide things for myself, but I'm feeling really alone and scared, and on top of everything else going on in my life my gender is the last thing I need to be stressing about.
So yeah...Hi!
Just call me "C" for now I guess, and they/them type pronouns for now...I'm just literally in chaos...hence my user name. In case anyone was worried. I am not here to cause chaos...I am just chaos on my own.
I've been on this forum before, but due to some of the stuff that's happened since I honestly couldn't even stomach getting back on my old account, even if I had remembered the log in information.
I'm back on the forum mostly to just trying to figure out who I am and have a support network in doing so...and for some reason, I always take advice better from strangers than friends and family.
Long story short, (or as short as I can make it)...I was born female...I went through a lot of "phases" where I dressed almost exclusively male, and even had friends refer to me by he/him and whatever male name I'd chose to play around with at the time.
It wasn't until I kept having these "phases" that I realized maybe they weren't phases and actually decided to see a therapist. I got a letter and got on T. I was SO happy on the T and male presenting, like the T did WONDERS for me...my confidence, my overall demeanor, it balanced my hormones in a way I didn't think was possible, and even allowed me to stop taking medication for anxiety and depression. My work place was VERY accommodating and awesome about it too, and my family wasn't UNsupportive, but they were having a REALLY hard time adjusting.
Well.....I had a MAJOR freak out and started doubting myself, just as I'd done in all my "phases" before I panicked and started to crave being feminine again. I started thinking about all the stuff I'd never have, like a child from my own womb, and the "mother/daughter" relationship I've spent my entire life in with my best friend...who is my mother...In addition my blood pressure was through the roof for someone my age, and I had pretty much lost any hope of ever being able to get top and bottom surgeries....(Not to mention I went from 150lbs to almost 200lbs before I found an intense calorie burning hobby.)
I stopped the T, and I was too ashamed to tell my work place I was stopping my transition so I tried to find another job. Skipping over all THAT craziness.... because OOF...that's going to make this long story even longer.
Anyway, I am now back in my backwards, small, Podunk, redneck, bible belt, RED, home town, and I'm having the urges to be masculine again, and it's literally like my brain is fighting itself...It's like my brains like "Kinda wanna be a pretty boy...but like what if we wanna be a pretty girl? But like what if we were a guy??" Like it's tug of war for gender dominance.
So I finally accepted I'm neutral or bi-gender or non-conforming...IDK what it actually falls under, but it's like that also isn't good enough for me?
I have NO problem with people who are genuinely happy without conforming to one gender, but the idea of being that way myself just gets my anxiety going off the rails.
I have very little money, no insurance, and no access to doctors or therapists or psychiatrists right now...and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes all over again. Let alone I could NEVER do it this hick town...I've noticed a lot of transgender people are living here now, but I CANNOT and WILL NOT put myself in that position of ridicule down here, I cannot handle it. Which leaves me a lot of time to find myself for the time being, but it doesn't make it any less stressful or important to me.
So...in conclusion...I'm here to just kinda read other peoples stuff and maybe get some advice here and there. I know only I can truly know and decide things for myself, but I'm feeling really alone and scared, and on top of everything else going on in my life my gender is the last thing I need to be stressing about.
So yeah...Hi!
Just call me "C" for now I guess, and they/them type pronouns for now...I'm just literally in chaos...hence my user name. In case anyone was worried. I am not here to cause chaos...I am just chaos on my own.
Title: Re: Here I Go Again
Post by: Jessica on March 05, 2019, 12:13:20 AM
Post by: Jessica on March 05, 2019, 12:13:20 AM
Hi C! Welcome back to Susan's Place! I'm Jessica.
Chaos is sometimes a common situation with many of us. So much to think about.
Since you may like a review of the site, I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted again. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red. It has answers to questions that are commonly asked. Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.
Chaos is sometimes a common situation with many of us. So much to think about.
Since you may like a review of the site, I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted again. Pay attention to the site rules they can be of great help and don't forget the link highlighted red. It has answers to questions that are commonly asked. Then join in on a topic you find interesting and learn and share.
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Title: Re: Here I Go Again
Post by: LizK on March 05, 2019, 12:20:59 AM
Post by: LizK on March 05, 2019, 12:20:59 AM
Hi C
Welcome to Susans, hope you enjoy your time here. Hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Liz
Welcome to Susans, hope you enjoy your time here. Hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Liz
Title: Re: Here I Go Again
Post by: V M on March 05, 2019, 12:21:21 AM
Post by: V M on March 05, 2019, 12:21:21 AM
Hi C :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Here I Go Again
Post by: Maid Marion on March 05, 2019, 05:52:32 AM
Post by: Maid Marion on March 05, 2019, 05:52:32 AM
Welcome C!
How are you most comfortable presenting when socializing in person? What is most awkward?
How are you most comfortable presenting when socializing in person? What is most awkward?
Title: Re: Here I Go Again
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 05, 2019, 09:14:44 AM
Post by: Northern Star Girl on March 05, 2019, 09:14:44 AM
@chaoticneutral
Dear C:
I see that you have just become a member here and this is your very first posting. I am glad to see that you finally are taking the plunge and sharing your thoughts here on this thread.
I see that our lovely member and California Girl @Jessica gave you a warm Welcome to Susan's Place.
As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are. I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here.
This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.
I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
Our lovely member Jessica has attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
Dear C:
I see that you have just become a member here and this is your very first posting. I am glad to see that you finally are taking the plunge and sharing your thoughts here on this thread.
I see that our lovely member and California Girl @Jessica gave you a warm Welcome to Susan's Place.
As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are. I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here.
This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.
I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place.
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.
As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members. When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here.
Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
Our lovely member Jessica has attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.
Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
Title: Re: Here I Go Again
Post by: chaoticneutral on March 06, 2019, 10:44:18 PM
Post by: chaoticneutral on March 06, 2019, 10:44:18 PM
Thanks for the welcome everyone!
Technically when I'm male. When I'm presenting masculine I'm far more confident and less awkward.
When I'm female I'm extremely awkward and have a hard time talking to people and looking them in the eye.
Quote from: Maid Marion on March 05, 2019, 05:52:32 AM
Welcome C!
How are you most comfortable presenting when socializing in person? What is most awkward?
Technically when I'm male. When I'm presenting masculine I'm far more confident and less awkward.
When I'm female I'm extremely awkward and have a hard time talking to people and looking them in the eye.