Site News and Information => Introductions => Topic started by: Cedar on April 11, 2019, 01:41:11 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Hey everyone, I'm your new internet friend
Post by: Cedar on April 11, 2019, 01:41:11 PM
Post by: Cedar on April 11, 2019, 01:41:11 PM
Hi, I'm a trans guy/FTM in my 30s and technically just getting started on my transition journey, officially anyway, despite always knowing this is who I am.
I've been hiding myself in plain sight all my life trying to be who I am, but only enough that people don't notice me much.
I was telling kids on the playground that I'm a boy when I was 8, but that turned into brutal bullying when physical changes happened and my voice didn't change, which led to me trying to learn to be invisible through school years.
I've always worn strictly "masculine" clothing (but a lot of that is neutral anyway right), I ask for a "really short pixie cut" when I'm getting my hair cut (looks nothing like a pixie cut, just the best way to get short hair without saying what I really mean), but that's all surface stuff. If people see me from the corner of their eye they know I'm a guy, but not if I talk or if they look at my face too much.
To my family I'm like some kind of failed "woman" who just didn't get married (I can't even interact with people), never had kids, looks "mannish" (thanks I guess), and if I'd "just put some effort" into looking good I might live up to their standards. They have no idea how much effort I put into just being me and refusing to be anyone else.
All of this started killing me around the end of 2018, I had been waiting for my parents to pass away or something before I "did something extreme" which in my mind was either finally trying to get actual help or coming up with an exit plan. I lost it at a doctor's appointment, regular checkup, and told her why I've always dealt with depression and anxiety and how my life had always been like this and I was referred to a good supportive therapist who actually has trans clients.
I actually have hope for the first time.
I found this forum while trying to locate a doctor who can/will prescribe hormones for trans patients in my area (Upper MI) which is seeming like a hopeless search, but one of the users on here (a woman though) mentioned being sent in the right direction. I'll be trying to reach out to her to find out who was willing to help with her E and to ask if they also can help with T, but I'm too new to do things like send messages yet.
Still hopeful though, and I've been looking through other posts on here and you are all so inspirational.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I looked up "people like me" in the early 2000s and knew I was trans but decided I could never access any help, because transitioning was only being mentioned in secretive news articles from strictly California about strictly children with supportive parents and what sounded like hundreds of thousands up front in surgical costs and I was early 20s, no support, stuck in rural Upper MI.
Seeing all the posts from people here, many of whom are older than me, gives me a lot of hope and I really don't think I'm "too late" or that I'm just some anomaly waiting for my life to pass.
I've been hiding myself in plain sight all my life trying to be who I am, but only enough that people don't notice me much.
I was telling kids on the playground that I'm a boy when I was 8, but that turned into brutal bullying when physical changes happened and my voice didn't change, which led to me trying to learn to be invisible through school years.
I've always worn strictly "masculine" clothing (but a lot of that is neutral anyway right), I ask for a "really short pixie cut" when I'm getting my hair cut (looks nothing like a pixie cut, just the best way to get short hair without saying what I really mean), but that's all surface stuff. If people see me from the corner of their eye they know I'm a guy, but not if I talk or if they look at my face too much.
To my family I'm like some kind of failed "woman" who just didn't get married (I can't even interact with people), never had kids, looks "mannish" (thanks I guess), and if I'd "just put some effort" into looking good I might live up to their standards. They have no idea how much effort I put into just being me and refusing to be anyone else.
All of this started killing me around the end of 2018, I had been waiting for my parents to pass away or something before I "did something extreme" which in my mind was either finally trying to get actual help or coming up with an exit plan. I lost it at a doctor's appointment, regular checkup, and told her why I've always dealt with depression and anxiety and how my life had always been like this and I was referred to a good supportive therapist who actually has trans clients.
I actually have hope for the first time.
I found this forum while trying to locate a doctor who can/will prescribe hormones for trans patients in my area (Upper MI) which is seeming like a hopeless search, but one of the users on here (a woman though) mentioned being sent in the right direction. I'll be trying to reach out to her to find out who was willing to help with her E and to ask if they also can help with T, but I'm too new to do things like send messages yet.
Still hopeful though, and I've been looking through other posts on here and you are all so inspirational.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I looked up "people like me" in the early 2000s and knew I was trans but decided I could never access any help, because transitioning was only being mentioned in secretive news articles from strictly California about strictly children with supportive parents and what sounded like hundreds of thousands up front in surgical costs and I was early 20s, no support, stuck in rural Upper MI.
Seeing all the posts from people here, many of whom are older than me, gives me a lot of hope and I really don't think I'm "too late" or that I'm just some anomaly waiting for my life to pass.
Title: Re: Hey everyone, I'm your new internet friend
Post by: V M on April 11, 2019, 01:55:40 PM
Post by: V M on April 11, 2019, 01:55:40 PM
Hi Cedar :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's Place :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) | Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,82221.0.html) |
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html) | News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html) | Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866) | Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216851.0.html) |
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Hey everyone, I'm your new internet friend
Post by: Cedar on April 11, 2019, 04:36:32 PM
Post by: Cedar on April 11, 2019, 04:36:32 PM
Thank you for the welcome, I'll check out all the info links.
Title: Re: Hey everyone, I'm your new internet friend
Post by: Haley Conner on April 11, 2019, 04:54:16 PM
Post by: Haley Conner on April 11, 2019, 04:54:16 PM
Welcome! I am pretty new, and imo the people here are great. I hope your experience is as positive as mine has been.
Title: Re: Hey everyone, I'm your new internet friend
Post by: CallMeV on April 13, 2019, 03:21:47 PM
Post by: CallMeV on April 13, 2019, 03:21:47 PM
Hi Cedar!
I'm also in my 30s and newly embracing my transition journey to a more trans masculine place. I've been trying to fight my transgender identity for nearly 15 years because of my fears of negative reactions from family and community and worries that I will never feel right in my body. For a long time I was afraid that attempting to transition would only make me feel even worse while isolating me from the rest of the world.
I also really relate to your description of your dynamic with family. Thanks to dysphoria, I havent had any serious relationships and am just generally pretty socially isolated. I know my family feels that something is different/ off about me, but it's like they just write me off as a weird or damaged 'spinster' who never grew out of being a tomboy.
I'm committed to transitioning now, it eventually became a life or death situation for me. I know I need top surgery at the very least. And I'm here hoping to meet other trans masculine people to help build a digital support system.
So welcome to the forums and good luck on your journey! Hope to see you around : )
Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
I'm also in my 30s and newly embracing my transition journey to a more trans masculine place. I've been trying to fight my transgender identity for nearly 15 years because of my fears of negative reactions from family and community and worries that I will never feel right in my body. For a long time I was afraid that attempting to transition would only make me feel even worse while isolating me from the rest of the world.
I also really relate to your description of your dynamic with family. Thanks to dysphoria, I havent had any serious relationships and am just generally pretty socially isolated. I know my family feels that something is different/ off about me, but it's like they just write me off as a weird or damaged 'spinster' who never grew out of being a tomboy.
I'm committed to transitioning now, it eventually became a life or death situation for me. I know I need top surgery at the very least. And I'm here hoping to meet other trans masculine people to help build a digital support system.
So welcome to the forums and good luck on your journey! Hope to see you around : )
Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
Title: Re: Hey everyone, I'm your new internet friend
Post by: LizK on April 14, 2019, 03:59:40 AM
Post by: LizK on April 14, 2019, 03:59:40 AM
Hi Cedar
Welcome to Susan's, Hope you enjoy your time here :icon_wave-nerd:
There are lots of great people with valuable experiences and only too happy to share them with you.
Take care ;D
LizK
Welcome to Susan's, Hope you enjoy your time here :icon_wave-nerd:
There are lots of great people with valuable experiences and only too happy to share them with you.
Take care ;D
LizK