Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's been a while since I posted here, so I understand if nobody has anything to say or feels this is attention seeking. I'm a 34 MTF, I went full time in January, and after 10 years of making excuses for my parents my dad just kind of shattered all of that yesterday.

Basically long story short my dad came to town to both help me get a new car and to pick up a kiln for my mother. Frankly I think the latter half had more to do with it then the former. My parents never really accepted me being trans, when I came out to them years ago I got the standard "why can't you be gay" or "you never acted feminine". Then came me leaving the military over it from being suicidal, to my grandparents ostracizing me and in turn the extended family who didn't want to piss them off. My mother even telling me that if it came down to me or my siblings...they won.

This went on for years, but my parents seemed to mellow at least a little. I had tried to go full time before, but it fell through. I think my being forced to go back to boy mode is the real reason I was able to go back to family gatherings. But things honestly looked like they were slowly improving. No use of my new name and the usual excuses why not to...but I honestly thought it was getting better.

Then I started my new job last year and was able to set a date when I was going back to full time. My boss was supportive, HR was supportive, and so were my co-workers. They annoying slip up almost every night, but I can tell they are trying and I have had people all but beg forgiveness when screwing it up, so I know it is genuine effort. I have been more social, caring more about my health and diet, and caring more for my appearance then ever. Everything to show that being me, as a woman, has been for the better. But what did my dad say to me?

"Well you were the one who choose to make your life harder. I just hope this will end as well as you think it will."

Right then it just dawned on me, my parents don't respect me at all. Confirmed when shortly afterwards despite me sitting right next to him in the car in makeup, dressed nicely, and so forth he uses my dead name and old pronouns with my mother. I just felt shocked, that all this time my father was only paying lip service to my transition but not once did he respect my decision or look at how just maybe my life has been better.

Honestly I have been weepy ever since this week. I haven't been able to go to class, barely function, and just really want to crawl into a hole and not come out. I was planning on trying to start dating next week, and frankly I don't know if I can handle an of that crap while I am still dealing with this.

I know this may sound silly. My parents still give me SOME support here and there. But now I realize that support is always used against me whenever I did try to bring up their using my name and pronouns in the past. Their support was on the condition that I let them say and do as they will...and frankly I was being manipulated.

I just feel betrayed. I wish I knew how to pick up the pieces to move on, I have my final next week and three 12 hours shifts starting tomorrow night. I want to scream, even hit or break things...but I also know it will fix nothing.

Quote... our parents are our parents and they deserve our love and respect.

I'm sorry, but it feels like you are kinda tone deaf to the situation. I have been patient, I have been understanding, and I honestly thought they were coming around. But they never were, and were taking advantage of doing nice things for me so they could make the excuse that I was being "unreasonable" about wanting to be called by my new name and by female pronouns. TEN YEARS is how long I have been putting up with this.

I respected my parents, they were the standard of what I held good people to be. That even if they weren't were I wanted them to be at least they were trying. But they weren't. You don't have a child who is transitioning who you know is trying to transition and at the bare minimum can't even use their new name, the one they chose as a UNISEX name just to make things easier on family.

Which is the entire point. I gave up years of not transitioning. I changed my entire name to protect my family. I have bent over backwards and even went to family funerals for people who never accepted me or wanted me around, all FOR THEM. I have always worked to make family relations work, but that takes effort on BOTH sides.

They KNEW how much I cared about this, that this hurt me. They knew and they continued for years, that is...damn it just hurts more then it should. I want to scream, shout, and maybe even throw a punch but I might as well do that to a wall for ANY good it would do with my parents. Please don't tell me I need to respect that they are my parents when they can't even respect that I am their child.

Terra,
   It sounds like you have gone way further than I would have gone to try to bring them along. I have two kids. I love them unconditionally (well unless they molest a kid or something crazy.) This should be what you receive, unconditional love. How  dare anyone tell you other siblings will be chosen over you for your transition. I don't tell anyone else what to do in their lives, but I hear your story and just get pissed for you. Build your life, move on and find your happiness. They are working from prejudice, they are wrong! Your anger is warranted. Use it to move on and do great things for your life. Don't let this tear you down.
Moni

Terra I read all of this thread.  I believe you are justified in your feelings.  Danielle offers amazing, positive and affirming support and I love her attitude toward how we should approach life.  In this instance I disagree particularly with the quote that you pointed out.

I am of the belief that part of being a parent is loving your child unconditionally.  It is beyond my comprehension how a parent can reject a child due to sexual orientation, gender identity, political affiliation etc etc.

There are extreme examples such as Moni pointed out but I always remember a scene in my life from 1983.  My best friend was murdered.  Yes intentionally shot with a gun.  His murderer was found guilty.  None of us were joyful but what struck me was the murderer's mother.   She was shattered beyond belief.  It was clear he was guilty but she still loved her son.

We can be disappointed in our children and even hate their ACTIONS but to reject them?  I can't imagine it.
I love my 3 children unconditionally.  There is not enough unconditional love in this world but it should certainly come from parents.

If it were me...( which it is not )  I would limit my interaction with them.  Not disown them but limit it.  You do not need that negativity in your life it is not healthy.

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling but I hope you can try to move on and heal yourself.  None of us is perfect and that includes parents but you shouldn't subject yourself to them hurting you.

I know this is an extreme position with which many will disagree but as your father mentioned 'making your life harder'  well having them as an influence is in fact making your life harder.

Thank you all, I managed to get a special meeting with my therapist and then I plan to meet with my manager. I don't have any sick days left, but she has been sympathetic before and she might have some suggestions to help me through this weekend.

Quote from: Terra on May 09, 2019, 01:14:37 PM
It's been a while since I posted here, so I understand if nobody has anything to say or feels this is attention seeking. I'm a 34 MTF, I went full time in January, and after 10 years of making excuses for my parents my dad just kind of shattered all of that yesterday.

Basically long story short my dad came to town to both help me get a new car and to pick up a kiln for my mother. Frankly I think the latter half had more to do with it then the former. My parents never really accepted me being trans, when I came out to them years ago I got the standard "why can't you be gay" or "you never acted feminine". Then came me leaving the military over it from being suicidal, to my grandparents ostracizing me and in turn the extended family who didn't want to piss them off. My mother even telling me that if it came down to me or my siblings...they won.

This went on for years, but my parents seemed to mellow at least a little. I had tried to go full time before, but it fell through. I think my being forced to go back to boy mode is the real reason I was able to go back to family gatherings. But things honestly looked like they were slowly improving. No use of my new name and the usual excuses why not to...but I honestly thought it was getting better.

Then I started my new job last year and was able to set a date when I was going back to full time. My boss was supportive, HR was supportive, and so were my co-workers. They annoying slip up almost every night, but I can tell they are trying and I have had people all but beg forgiveness when screwing it up, so I know it is genuine effort. I have been more social, caring more about my health and diet, and caring more for my appearance then ever. Everything to show that being me, as a woman, has been for the better. But what did my dad say to me?

"Well you were the one who choose to make your life harder. I just hope this will end as well as you think it will."

Right then it just dawned on me, my parents don't respect me at all. Confirmed when shortly afterwards despite me sitting right next to him in the car in makeup, dressed nicely, and so forth he uses my dead name and old pronouns with my mother. I just felt shocked, that all this time my father was only paying lip service to my transition but not once did he respect my decision or look at how just maybe my life has been better.

Honestly I have been weepy ever since this week. I haven't been able to go to class, barely function, and just really want to crawl into a hole and not come out. I was planning on trying to start dating next week, and frankly I don't know if I can handle an of that crap while I am still dealing with this.

I know this may sound silly. My parents still give me SOME support here and there. But now I realize that support is always used against me whenever I did try to bring up their using my name and pronouns in the past. Their support was on the condition that I let them say and do as they will...and frankly I was being manipulated.

I just feel betrayed. I wish I knew how to pick up the pieces to move on, I have my final next week and three 12 hours shifts starting tomorrow night. I want to scream, even hit or break things...but I also know it will fix nothing.

Terra,
I understand fully what you are going through. I've been demonized by my family, foster and biological.
This isn't attention seeking. If it is, it is much needed. I wish I could help comfort you more than just the stereotypical lines, unfortunately, I dont know what else to say.
I can tell how much it hurts. I know how much it hurts.
When I read this, wanted to cry.
My own mother, as much as she says she tries to accept it, still uses my dead name. Still calls me her "baby boy."
I made a huge and terrible mistake when I came out to her and my father.
Growing up, I never knew either of them. I got adopted. At the age of 21, I found my mother.
Not wanting any secrets, I immediately came out to her. The result has caused so much pain, I've attempted to take my own life several times.
My siblings even when they saw her in the wrong still sided with her, blaming me for how mentally burdened she was.
All I can say is this... sometimes love can be a venomous thing. We reach out to those we truly love and instead it nearly kills us.
I've decided since, to minimalize any and all contact with them until I know I'm strong enough. If that day comes, so be it.
I promised myself that I would sacrifice whatever it took for me to feel happy.
I guess thats what they mean by selling your soul...
This... process... this transformation... is so painful, in so many ways.
All I can do is tell you to keep your chin up and stay strong. You didnt choose to be born this way.
However, (and I say this from experience as gently as I can): you choose who you allow to hurt you... and unfortunately sometimes it comes from the very people who should be protecting or supporting us.
Stay strong Terra..

I'm rooting for you.

With kind regards,
Winter

Sent from my SM-J260T1 using Tapatalk

Quote from: Winter02 on May 10, 2019, 02:40:49 AM

However, (and I say this from experience as gently as I can): you choose who you allow to hurt you... and unfortunately sometimes it comes from the very people who should be protecting or supporting us.
Stay strong Terra..

I'm rooting for you.

With kind regards,
Winter

Sent from my SM-J260T1 using Tapatalk

If there is one thing I could go back and do differently in my life it would be the words that I put in bold.
Everyone's life would be so much better if they could live by those words.
Very wise Winter.  Thank you.

Hugs to You Terra,

I went through a situation similar to yours.  It didn't matter that I'd come out to my parent's (and my siblings, when my parents exposed my transsexualism to them, during a particularly nasty blow-up, shortly before I turned 16) when I was a teenager in the late 70s, things were still pretty bad, when I started transitioning at age 35 (I tried transitioning earlier, in my 20s but there was nada for transition resources at the time) - the only the only thing different, was that my parents didn't yell at me like they did when I was a teenager.  My family said they could accept me being gay, but not being their daughter or sister.   Oh yeah, and mom said "don't complain if things get bad for you, you made your choice to live this way!"  Friends said they didn't see how I could think I was a woman, since I "did so many guy things (rode motorcycles, played electric guitar, fished, etc.)."  Friends left, and family ignored things by treating me like I was their weird son or brother (the extended family [who may or may not have been told about me by other family members] was never contacted by me). 

It was always hoped by mom & dad, that I would "come to my senses."  My brother and sister just plain decided that they didn't want anything to do with me (to this day they prefer to limit any contact with me).  In 2000, I got fed up with my family's attitude towards me, and basically became estranged from them, having very little contact with my parents beyond the very rare tension filled phone call from mom, until shortly before my SRS in late 2003.  2000 to late 2003 was not a fun time.  Due to corporate downsizing, and a recession being in progress (which made finding another job almost impossible for me), I was forced to take a huge cut in pay in 2002, that made SRS look like an impossibility (for a while in 2002, I became suicidal because of my financial situation, and SRS looking like a "no go").  I remember spending Xmas 2002 with a post-op friend of mine and her family, and crying my heart out because I was unwelcome to spend the holidays with my own family.

Hard as it was, I did manage to ride things out.  The situation became better, and I was able to pull off having SRS in late 2003.  In Oct. 2003, my mom made one of her rare phone calls to me, asking how things were going.  I told her I was having SRS the following month in Thailand of all places!!  It ended up being a very short and unpleasant phone call.  Less than a day later, mom called back, and dad also talked to me (for the first time in 3 years)!  Neither of them tried to dissuade me from having SRS (I think the fact that after 25 years of knowing about my transsexualism [combined with me being serious enough to have SRS] they'd finally come to grips, with it being the real thing - not "just a phase I was going through"), but they did try to talk me out of going to Thailand (they offered to pay for me having SRS in the US).  I told them "sorry, but no can do", due to me having already put down a $1500 deposit for my surgery.  So, instead, my parents asked if they could help out in other ways while I was laid up recovering from my surgery.  I accepted, and as a result, they took care of my apartment, and helped financially with paying my bills (I had to take a 2 plus month unpaid leave of absence from work for my SRS, and recovery time for it).  Figuratively speaking they were a lifesaver!!

Now the moral of my story - as hard and rough as things were, there was a light at the end of the tunnel.  Due to  reconciliation with my parents (which started with that phone call from my mom in Oct. 2003), I grew to have a close relationship with both of my parents.  I did things with them (including spending holidays with them).  Both of them openly expressed that I was their daughter, and had no issues with being seen in public with me (I think the first time we went out to eat together in early 2004, and seeing a waitress at the restaurant ask "what'll you have miss?", pretty much put the final nail in the coffin for the idea of me being not being their daughter).  I just finished talking to mom on the phone (confirming that yes, tomorrow [Mother's Day] I'm bringing my smallest acoustic guitar along with me to play music, and I also will bring my notebook computer, so we can record her recounting of her life's story for future generations of the family [Mr. IT, my brother, seems to have no interest in doing so, so as I've done numerous times for other things, I've offered to assist mom with this endeavor]).  Dad is gone and I miss him (he died 4 years ago of cancer [I took care of him a couple of days before he died, so mom could run some important errands]).

Please don't completely give up hope with your family Terra (although, by the same token, don't knuckle under to them - be true to yourself).  It may look like an impossibility, but things may work out for you family-wise (they did for me, when it looked like all was lost in that regard).

Ellen

Terra I think that was an important post from Ellen particularly her concluding paragraph.

Please don't completely give up hope with your family Terra (although, by the same token, don't knuckle under to them - be true to yourself).  It may look like an impossibility, but things may work out for you family-wise (they did for me, when it looked like all was lost in that regard).

I think both pieces of advice are sound.  As I said in my post don't subject yourself to their negativity it is not good for you but please note that I also said that if it were me I would not disown them.  Keep a foot in the door.  Things may change or they may not.  Maybe you will enjoy an improved relationship or maybe you will have to keep it at arms length.

My brother shut out my father the last 10 years of his life and it was never reconciled.  That is sad.  Yet as Ellen states, don't knuckle under to them.  Be strong but leave the door open.

To be honest I don't know what to think when it comes to my family. Right now, at this moment, I want nothing to do with them. Some part of me wants to keep trying but honestly the more I think about the situation the more angry and upset I become. I guess not it kinda makes sense why some of my past therapists wondered if I was abused as a child, as I guess I showed some signs of it. Even though at the time I never said anything bad about them, at least not that I intended to be bad.

At this point however I still need their resources, and I don't care if that makes me sound petty or cruel. But right now the only way I can look at my family is as a resource to exploit as they have exploited me over the years. But once I get to the point I don't need them, I will probably reexamine our relationship and give them the choice of getting over their hangups, or just not being a part of my life.

Family is everything to me, but what they have been doing and treating me is not like family. If I can pull it off and adopt sooner then later, I know my child will be treated far better then they have for me. Yes they sheltered and clothed me growing up...but that doesn't excuse dismissing the thoughts and feelings of your child just because you don't like "life choice" or who they are attracted to.

I haven't given up on them, but I haven't decided on exactly how I will handle them either.

Abuse does not have to be physical.  Emotional and verbal abuse are real too.  My ex verbally abused me for years. 
It wasn't just disagreements ( all families and couples have those ) but persistent and hurtful things for the sake of being hurtful.

Part of me wants to say if you can't get along with them then don't take their money.  The other part says be practical and take what you need.  Definitely not a good path but I guess it's understandable to a point given the history.  But I would definitely take whatever steps you can to eliminate the need for their help financially as soon as possible.

In addition to having more freedom IMO it's a matter of principle.