Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello all,

My name is Lexxi and I'm a 50 year old transwoman. I've known that I was different for as long as I can remember. I was in kindergarten when I first realized that even though I was a boy, I certainly didn't feel like one. In my mind I was a little girl who enjoyed playing dolls with my female classmates and had no interest in playing with the boys or their traditional male centered toys. I liked having long hair and cried every time my mom took me to the barber shop. I also loved wearing what I call soft clothes. In other words they're clothes that would be more appropriate on girls. Of course children being as cruel as they can be I was teased mercilessly. In order to put a stop to their torture I started playing the roll of a boy, and that carried on for most of my life.

I'm almost positive that every one who reads this went through some of the same treatment I did, so I don't have to explain how painful life has been...you already know. The only way I was able to get through it was to tamp down the real me and always remain in my outward character. Every time I thought too much about the hidden me it would send me into a pretty deep depression that I could never tell anyone about. I felt truly alone. I tried to never think about Lexxi because to do so hurt so bad.

As I sit here writing this down I have tears rolling down my face thinking about all the time I've missed being the real me. With that said I will add though that I do feel a small amount of hope being able to talk openly, for the first time in my entire life, about the real me. Sadly this site will be the only outlet for me though because I will never be able to realize the dream of openly living as a woman.

See I could never, ever, pass for a "real" woman. I'm a giant so to speak. I'm 6'4" and weigh about 275 pounds and look pretty masculine. I also have a very deep voice. I'm talking about Sam Elliott type of deep too. I've spent hours upon hours practicing my female voice and sometimes I think I'll finally have it right...until I listen to a recording of it, and I still sound almost exactly the same way as I always do. It's very disheartening to say the least.

I have had a big change in my life though that has brought about a lot of changes. I got divorced way back in 2010 and moved into an apartment. Since I live alone in my apartment I'm free to dress, act, or fantasize however I want and no one will ever be the wiser. So in my little world I'm a very different person. I'm free to be the real me. In an effort to make myself happy I've started growing my hair longer, shaving my legs, and wearing the clothes that I feel comfortable in.

I hope what I'm getting ready to write doesn't go against any community standards, if so please forgive me and let me know and I'll never do it again. But I just had to tell all of you this. Being a bigger guy I already have a bit of a nice chest on me. Some would call them "man boobs", but to me they're the real thing. They actually make me feel like the woman I'm supposed to be. Because of some of the inspirational things I read last night, I felt really good about myself today and I actually went to the store and bought my very first bra. I'm wearing it now and it feels absolutely AMAZING!!! I'm sure some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. I've just had a very special feeling ever since I got home and put it on. It's the most complete I've ever felt!

I can't even imagine how good it would feel to be able to start HRT and be able to add real breast tissue to what I already have. Along with some of the other feminine characteristics that come along with HRT I guess it would be mind blowing. In my perfect world I would start HRT right this very minute, then have FFS when it was appropriate, then progress to SRS as soon as humanly possible so my body would finally match who I really am on the inside. Since that will never happen I'll just have to be happy with my new bra for the time being.

Okay so that's me in a nutshell. If you have any questions I look forward to reading them. You can ask me anything because on here I'm an open book. If you couldn't tell by this long letter I like to talk a whole lot, so sorry in advance if any of my posts get too long.

Lexxi

@LexxiMTF
Dear Lexxi:
Thank you for following the LINK that our lovely member @V M  provided for you in her Welcome Message on the first thread that you posted on recently today.

Now that you are here on the INTRODUCTIONS FORUMS and other members are aware of your arrival to the Forums you can expect more interaction, give and take, and more exchange of thoughts and questions with other like-minded members. 

More than likely you will find new friends here as you get more involved.

Please be sure to read over the informative LINKS and rules of the Forums that member  V M   attached at the end of her Welcome Message to you.   The information there will help you to safely navigate around the forums and enjoy the features here.   Please be involved as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing.

Thank you again for becoming a member and for telling us more about yourself with your introduction.
Best Wishes,
Danielle

Welcome Lexxi, I identify with so much of what you wrote.  I hope that somehow you find happiness.  Sometimes we have to live in our minds.  If you find that you can do more, though, go for it.  Some very tall members live successfully as women, and many transitioned later in life.

Thank you for the kind words Danielle! I will definitely be a very involved member. I've already checked out all of VM's links and think I have somewhat of a handle on how things work. I'm very much looking forward to all of my expected interactions on here. Just please let me know if I get too long winded. Like I said I like to talk a whole lot and that certainly translates over into my writing.

I already feel free and at home here. It's a very good feeling after hiding for my entire life.

Thank you MaryT! I've been living in my mind for so long I'm really used to it by now. I'm like that daydreaming kid who stares out the window during class time. I fantasize constantly about how I'd like to be living my life. I'm in awe of all you ladies out there who have been able to transition to full time. Maybe science will advance enough to allow me to do that one day. I sure hope so!!

I already have a family that would accept me. My mom was the very first person I ever knew who stood up for LGBTQ rights, so she wouldn't be fazed. I also have a 15 year old daughter who would be absolutely thrilled if she knew the truth, but I would never lay that on her while she's in school. Kids nowadays already have to deal with terrible bullying and I would never make things harder on her by that information getting out.

Hi Lexxi

Welcome!  There are many of us older girls here!

It was only a few months ago that I bought my first bra, heels, and hose from a nearby Target!

Marion

Hi Lexxi  :icon_wave:

Thank you for posting an introduction, and again...

Welcome to Susan's Place  :) 

Hugs

V M

Thank you Maid Marion I really appreciate that. I don't know if you felt the same way shopping as I did or not, but I was pretty nervous. I live in a small town and I felt like everyone knew that I was buying that bra for me. It seemed like every women who walked through that aisle when I was there was looking and judging me. That probably wasn't the case, but it kind of felt that way.

The thing that amazed me though was that I somehow got the right size the first time. It just blew my mind! I must be a good guesser or something. lol

There were so many other prettier bras that I wish I could have worn, but I somehow knew there was no way they would fit me. I'm going to have to educate myself on the best way to size a bra. Especially since I'm such a big person but only have what I can guess would be an A cup. I hope the journey to learning will be fun.

Thank you again V M. The introduction was no problem whatsoever. It feels good to finally be surrounded by people I can talk to. I think I probably feel the same way a drowning person would feel if their feet hit solid ground and it enabled them to stand up and breathe.  ;)

Lexxi,  welcome you are not alone here.  You will find many here including myself that share similar stories.  Please enjoy the forum and participate.  Folk here have a lot to share   

Thank you Bea. I've been having so much fun here, and I'm learning a lot. I have no problem sharing whatsoever. I'm a natural talker...but I don't have any trouble writing either. lol  >:-)

I'm around the same weight and over 6' tall with a voice like Lemmy. I don't pass but am generally accepted. Can't post links to pick on phone but I have one in Fountain of Youth thread and Do you Pasd

Welcome Lexxi! and congratulations on finding peace with who you are! Yep, I have lived much of your story, tried to fit in and have a family, but I was so naturally maternal, I ended up on my own raising 2 kids. We all got through it and now I have started to transition at 65. I dreamed of doing it but never planned on it. You just never know what may happen...

Allie

Hi Lexxi,

Yes, I was nervous but I went shopping at 8AM when there were fewer customers.  And at that hour  shoppers are in a rush to pick up an item or two before work.  The wide band small cup bra is an issue for a lot of big girls.  CDs use forms to around that.  These days there are lots of cute sports bras you could wear.

https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-difference-between-a-bra-and-a-bralette
What you may want to wear is called a bralette, which is more of a fashion statement.

Marion

I'm so glad that things are working out for you Big Kim. It's very important that we all find people who will accept us. I hope to have that one day soon too.  :)

Allie,

Thank you so much! I'm so very happy that you're finally able to bring out the real you. I assume that your children are happy for you considering you said that you all got through it. I'm positive that my daughter would be cool with it, after she got over the shock that is. I just don't want to hang that on her since she's still in school. So any kind of discussion will have to wait until she graduates.

To tell you the kind of person she is though I'll tell you this. We live in a VERY conservative state in an even more conservative small town. Last year when she was in 8th grade her English teacher gave her students an assignment to debate one another on a social justice issue. My little girl picked gay marriage...of course she was defending it.

She did all her own research and came up with all of her own arguments. The guy she debated never stood a chance. In fact he told her afterwards that she mentally beat him to a pulp. (Those were my words, he put it in a little more vulgar language lol.) I was so proud of her. Her arguments for gay marriage actually changed some of her peers minds about the issue too, so that made her very happy.

Your line that about never knowing what might happen gives me heart that things could change for me too. I hope everything is going well in your world today.

Thank you again for your words of support,

Lexxi

Hi Marion,

Thank you so much for the information!! From the link you sent I now know that the one I bought yesterday is very much like the sports bra in the post. There were no tags on it to indicate it was a sports bra, but I'm pretty sure that's what it is. It has some padding to it and I like that. I just wish it had a bit more lift though. I'm not working with much so I need all the help I can get. Hopefully things will change after I start HRT.  :)


For the record my favorite bra was posted by the second person that answered the question. It's the purple triangular lacy bralette. I think it's very pretty!! Now I'm not gonna be happy until I can find that one in my size lol. I also liked some of the sports bras that were pictured too. The one I have is really comfortable I just wish it were a little more feminine. But that's ok maybe I can find what I'm looking for with a little research.

I've been looking into breast forms because I think that will give me an idea what I'll look like once I start growing real breasts. I'm over the moon happy right now and I wish I had a magic wand that would give me exactly what I want right this minute ha ha ha ha...

Thank you again for the information. I found it extremely helpful,

Lexxi

Lexii, my children are in their late 30's and I have 3 grandsons. I haven't formally come out to my children, but they acknowlege me as having a female nature and as their 'second mum' even though I filled the primary mothering role. I am far to big in my upper body to present as female so I am only out to my wife, boss, and health professionals. At my age, I doubt I will ever be able to live as a woman full time, but I am able to dress at home all the time, and have my hair past shoulder length. Anybody who gets to know me acknowleges my female side, and we get collectively addresses as 'girls' at work. So I have found a place which works for me, and it will change, but 20 years ago I could never imagine I would be where I am now. So I am on HRT planning a medical transiton but not a social transition at this stage, but, like I said, you just never know...

Allie 

Allie,

That's great that you've been able to find something acceptable for the time being. I'm especially glad that your wife accepts the real you. She must be a remarkable woman and your real soulmate. I also like hearing that your coworkers accept you too. That must feel very good.

I totally understand what you're saying about your upper body. I have really wide shoulders, not particular muscular, just wide. From what I'm understanding a lot of my bulk will go away after I start the HRT process, so I sure hope that's true. Back when I was younger I was described as tall and lanky. Sadly I love food so much that now I'm tall and bulky.

I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey...hopefully I won't be very far behind you.  :)

Lexxi

Lexi, Women and transwomen come in all sizes. One time I at Lane Bryant the SA (a GG ) who waited on me was taller and bigger than me. I am 6'2. I know that if I lived alone I would be dressed femme all of the time. As it is, I am in a long-term marriage with a disapproving wife, so many days my dressing is confined to my underdressing (which she knows about and tolerates).  We all have to find a way to be ourselves. Good for you for going shopping — hope you got fitted and had the courage to admit the bra was for you. Welcome — get involved! Best, Nancy

Hi Nancy,

I'm so glad you commented on my post. Ever since I joined Susan's I've spent the majority of my free time reading everyone's stories. I found yours particularly interesting. I find you and your wife very inspiring. You know she doesn't approve of your clothes so you underdress for her, and she's taken steps to make you happy as well by not fussing about it too much (I hope). You all seem to have one of those rare marriages that last a lifetime. People from the younger generations don't normally understand things like that. Usually if they're not 100% happy they just leave for something better.

I didn't get a true fitting. I was at a Walmart and I don't know if they do that there or not. I just looked for the biggest bra I could find with the smallest cups. It was a cheap one (under $10). In fact the only size it had on it was 3XXX. I hoped it would fit because I wear either 2X or 3X t-shirts so I thought they might be sized the same way. I'm still not sure if it's the right size or not. But it's comfortable and it feels so good when I'm wearing it so I figure it's right.

I thought with my size it would be extremely hard to find things that fit, but I've been shopping on Amazon and I found all kinds of things I like. Some of them were really girly and pretty and that's the style for me. I was afraid at my size would just be nude colored or black, so I was really surprised.

I haven't bought any yet, but I will be soon. Here's a funny little story from yesterday. I wasn't sure what my circumference was, so I pulled out my toolbox and got my metal tape measure out. Wow...that thing was cold! lol

I hope I got my size right because I'll be using that number to order my next bra. Oh and I'll also be buying one of those cloth measuring tapes too. They're way warmer against the skin.

Since I live in such a small town and I'm not out yet I have to be careful where I shop. But there's a really huge city less than two hours from me and I'll be going there on a shopping trip sometime soon. I figure it'll be safer to shop where I won't run the risk of running into someone I know. I find it sad that I have to do that. But then I look on the bright side and think, hey at least I've finally outed myself to others on this site. That's a big thing for me and I couldn't be happier about it.

xoxo

Lexxi