Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, I think it is not such a bad thing to lose the past and start fresh. I have my posts backed up through 2022. I have no desire to reread them. It all started in 12/2012, 11 years ago. I am a different person now then I was in 2012. I was very fragile and do not want to revisit that time. 


Hormones
So If I read correctly we can post dosages. My E was 1800 on my most recent doctors visit. I was taking
.... mg estradiol IM weekly. My PAc wanted me to take .... mg per week. I negotiated to .... mg IM per week until the next blood test in April or May. My script does say .... mg weekly IM injection. I was taking a pea size of T daily as instructed by my PAc. My T was 128 so no more T. I told him that but he continues the T script. I asked if there was a way I could meter the T and he said only with an injection. I told him I would never inject T.I still take .... mg of P a night.

The Symbian
I got a bad dragon unicorn horn (large) and am in the process of expanding my vaginal canal diameter. I am making good progress.

New Years
I did not ho to the party in West Philly. I thought that NY Eve is a bad time to travel 45 minutes each way. There are plenty of parties throughout the year when there are not mind altered people on the roads.

Sex Clubs
I joined a sex club in Philly fish Town section and I will be joining another one in West Philly section of Philly. I like my body and I am totally uninhibited showing my body in a party and playing with guys. At some point I will go to a cherry party and see how it is with all woman. As long as the woman is dominant I think it would work. IDK. I have been with 3 dominant woman. I have been with a lot of guys.

Rachel Lynn

friendly note: more hormones doesn't mean more better. see https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdfdirect/10.1002/nau.25097

might want to talk to the doctor again since you should be able to try something a little less hardcore (like gel) that'll help with overall balance.

Hey, Rachel! Good to see you begin your blog again.

@Flan, My E was at 1800 when I was taking 3 times the E I am taking now. It should be at an average of 600 now and I will get tested again in May. I am bring good and complying 100% with my NPc. Thank you for replying.

@Oldandcreaky, thank you for your support.

Yesterday
I felt sick after eating a PJ sandwich and a Kiwi and small apply. I need to concentrate on calorie dense low volume food. I did not throw up. If I do I need to call the onco office and get my visit moved up. I think I am fine.

Today
I went to a Penn Laryngologist to have my vocal folds scoped and see a speech pathologist to access my voice. My vocal folds are a little bit out of synch and the vocal fold protrusion is gone :) . My HZ is 240 to 300 plus, and the speech pathologist said I am not hoarse. I have some vocal fry. Also, that she likes my voice and that it is fine and it is very feminine. I 100% get gendered female in person and on the phone. 

She asked the amount of caffeine I take and water I consume. I get to work at 4:30 to 4:40 and drink a lot of caffeinated drinks. I only drink 20 to 40 ounces of water at the gym 3 times a week. She said I can have 2 cups of tea a day and must drink 60 ounces of water a day (40 if no tea). She said I am dehydrated and If I wanted to reduce the vocal fry then I need to hydrate. 

 I asked 2 friends today and they said they love my voice. They think is sounds sexy. The problem it that I have no reference and when I record my voice I think I sound just like before I had 3 surgeries ( I am wrong). I am glad I had the consults. I am 100% done with my voice and very happy with my voice. I will reduce caffeine and increase water.
 
Rachel Lynn

Hi, I did not see a sexuality section under health so I will be very mild.

I went to a place last night to see two friends we were meeting at a place where a lot of sex takes place. So I texted them I was there and proceeded to go in and find them. A tall man 6'6" looked at me and then did a double look, turned and he said hi. He said hi and we chatted for a minute. Then well you know. He was very muscular and the largest guy yet. I have his phone number and we will get back to together again.

My two friends found me and well you know. Then 3 other guys said hi and well you know. I left soon afterwards. I was home very early.

Fun knight. Next Friday I have a Bangkok party and the following Friday another party.

Tomorrow I have a Japanese sleeve outline left arm. Next Saturday I have the last bit of work on my right sleeve.

Rachel Lynn

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Here is the "sexuality section" that you are looking for:

                    Sexuality
          https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,36.0.html

Susan's Place Transgender Resources
  ► General Discussions
          ► Health
                ► Sexuality

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Rachel on January 14, 2024, 01:54:02 PMHi, I did not see a sexuality section under health so I will be very mild.

I went to a place last night to see two friends we were meeting at a place where a lot of sex takes place. So I texted them I was there and proceeded to go in and find them. A tall man 6'6" looked at me and then did a double look, turned and he said hi. He said hi and we chatted for a minute. Then well you know. He was very muscular and the largest guy yet. I have his phone number and we will get back to together again.

My two friends found me and well you know. Then 3 other guys said hi and well you know. I left soon afterwards. I was home very early.

Fun knight. Next Friday I have a Bangkok party and the following Friday another party.

Tomorrow I have a Japanese sleeve outline left arm. Next Saturday I have the last bit of work on my right sleeve.

Rachel Lynn

My right arm sleeve is almost done and the last appointment is 2/3. It is flowers and absolutely beautiful. It was done by Cody Dean at Central Tattoo. I have my left sleeve outline done. It will be Japanese with cherry blossoms and a chrysanthemum. I am going to Ted Knight at Black Vulture.

I am thinking about a Japanese back tattoo and I have the characters picked out. Butterflies, and a 9 tailed fox with its face looking at the woman's face on my right shoulder. There would be cherry blossoms and a few chrysanthemums.

I skipped the party tonight because I am really tired.  Fell asleep when I got home from work and am about to go back to bed. I really want to go to the gym tomorrow morning. Depending on how I feel I will go to the tattoo convention in Philly or just drive the Mustang and the Pontiac.

2/13 I go back to the oncologist and hematologist. I think they will recommend a tissue sample. That is what The Infectious Disease doctor and the two hematologists recommended. I heard the site it is painful for a few days. I  feel good but I will find out. I did not feel bad last January when this all started.

I had 5 covid vaccinations and I had covid 5 times. This last variant a lot of people around me at work got covid but I did not. Maybe it was just luck but the hospital had a lot of covid hitting staff and people around me had covid but I did not get it. Maybe that is a good sign. I know people say covid was made up but I lost 3 people in my department.

I thought covid was the reason I had to stop walking 26 flights of steps each day. I was from very low red blood count. The good thing is my red blood count is now at the low level and  recovered considerably. At least this was August, 2023. They wanted to wait 6 months before the next evaluation. They said if I throw up after I eat or bleed when I brush my teeth get nose bleeds to call and they would get me in. I do E IM in the butt and last time I had to put my sweat pants in the washer because I kept bleeding after the injection.  I noticed it when I went to the bathroom.

It would not be me if I did not say this. I was with a guy 2 Fridays ago. He is 6'6" and his muscle had muscle. He is very dark and has a deep voice and with the well over 2000 guys I have been with he is by far the best. So I have his phone number and tomorrow I will text him. I was completely satisfied by him and he was spectacular. 

I had my oncologist visit Thursday afternoon. I have LGLL. I will ask the doctor if the Philadelphia chromosome is causing the LGLL. He is repeating the clonality test to see if the LGL is replicating. The number if LGL cells remained the same relative number ( 28% to 25%) although my WBC went for 11000 to 14000.

My RBC is still low but the platelets are at 178 from 90. I have been taking a low dose HGH and I will tell the doctor when he calls. The HGH really helps.

The doctor discussed briefly a chimex if it became acute. There is a new chemo being developed that is in testing. In order to get on that list you need to be acute. There are not a lot of people that get this so the funding for treatments is not there.

I am not acute and I think I will be fine.

My white blood cell study came back today. I ran the numbers and my killer T cells are high at 3700. The Oncologist called and recommended a bone marrow tissue biopsy. I will get that scheduled. 

When I was there on 2/13 he spoke about immune system suppression but that may cause infections and then had spoke about cart T cell therapy. I am insured for that therapy as of January 1, 2024.

I have a bone marrow aspiration Friday. I feel really incredible. I think I will try to do steps again. My RBC count is low but if I create a routine O2 deficit maybe I will get my RBC count up. My platelets are low. I cut myself today cleaning out a gutter. I was able to put pressure on the cut and it stopped bleeding after a few minutes. It was not a deep cut.

I went to my PCP last week and had to do STD and blood tests for prep. When walking down the corridor after the blood test I felt something wet. I took off my winter jacket and my sweater sleeve was red with blood and there was blood going down the corridor. 

So, I was with four woman at several parties I guess a year ago. I think about that often. I never think of the thousands of guys I have been with. I joined a lesbian dating sight and have a match. We have been texting a lot. I have not felt this way in decades.

When I came out to my wife I talked about having a lesbian relationship. She wanted no parts of that. We divorced in 2015 and we still talk and go out to eat. I still love and care about her and her well being.

Anyhow, I never thought about exploring this side of myself post marriage. I wonder if I have been with so many guys searching for something that is not there.

When I was married I did not like sex.  I have had sex with women I guess a year or so ago and this is something I have thought about often. I like sex with guys I just do not have an emotional connection. I really tried. I really love the emotional connection with woman.

Sex was always an issue with me pre-op. Post op I love my body and I love sex. Sex is just one component. Having an emotional connection is probably as important or more then sex itself, for me as I am understanding myself better.

 

"Anyhow, I never thought about exploring this side of myself post marriage. I wonder if I have been with so many guys searching for something that is not there."

I found with my own journey that I now see reasons why I behaved the way I did, even as a kid. Things are making sense more and more each day.

Hugs!

@LoriDee, I have one weekly guy I see and I am searching for a second. At least I will not be seeing so many different guys and I can build some sort of bond. I also want a girlfriend too. I really miss the emotional connection that a female can provide. I think I am evolving, maybe.
-----------------------------------------------------

I had a hematology diagnosis of TLG leukemia. It needed a pathology sample for conformation. Friday I had 2 bone marrow aspirations. The aspirations yielded low volumes of tissue. I will find out Friday or Monday the determination. Usually this disease grown slowly However, it went for 11 to 14 WBC count in 6 months. So this may not be slow. Nausea had become an issue. This is gene polymorphism gene 9 and 26. ALB1 from 9 attaches to gene 26 BCR and it makes a white blood cell that does not die.

There are less than 1000 diagnosis a year of t LGL in the USA. There is no agreement on treatment. Penn offers to take down the immune system a bit but that can lead to infections. The other option is CART T cell therapy (I have read a lot on this on T LGL leukemia and it is 40 to 60 percent effective at 5 years). I do not think the FDA has approved the treatment for t LGL. I will see about this when I review it with my oncologist.

Hopefully, they will find something that works for you. Sending you prayers and healthy vibes.

Hugs!

@LoriDee, thank you.

So I stopped going to parties. I do not want to risk an infection. 

I was diagnosed with T-LGL leukemia I had a bone marrow aspiration ( they did 2) for conformations. Confirmed is T-LGL leukemia ( it is slow, incurable and there is low dose cemo to reduce spread if needed) . I had blast sells in the bone marrow and clumped white blood cells. Also clumped white blood cells were in my blood. No blast cells were in my blood. T-LGL leukemia does not make blast or clumped white blood cells. So there is second blood cancer. I will message the oncologist tomorrow morning at work. There were 7 reports over the week with the last report last night.

 I joined several support groups for T-LGLL and leukemia in general. 

------------------------------
Now for something completely different.

I was thinking, I have been with a lot of guys. There is something missing and it is not complete for me. I guess that is the reason I never accepted dates from guys. I had a lot of offers ( I have been with a lot of guys) but something is missing.

I never fantasized about being with a female. I had sex with 4 females pre-transition. Having sex with females was very scary. I had a micro penis and I was very self conscious. Plus I never wanted to be dominant, it felt wrong.

Post op I wanted to have sex with guys and I did a lot but an emotional connection was missing. It was just sex, which was nice but not complete. Post op I had sex with 3 females. They were in a dominant role. It was not just sex we talked and we communicated before and after. We became friendly within the context of our parties and community . It felt like I had real friends and we talked about a lot of things. I really missed those friendships when those parties ended.

So I went on a lesbian dating site and have been texting with Pam. She returns to the USA in May. Time will tell and we text frequently. Who knows what will happen, maybe more maybe less. 

I think I found the missing part I was searching for. It is friendship, communication and an emotional connection. Oddly enough I started thinking about being with a female as a female and I know it can work and well. It has taken me a while to experiment and learn about my sexuality and preferences.

Rachel Lynn

     

It sounds like you shuffled the puzzle pieces, kept trying, and finally figured out how they fit together. That is wonderful. It would be wonderful to find that special someone who can help you through the rough stuff. Good luck. I'm still praying for you.

Hugs!

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I hope, trust and pray that your doctors find the right way to control and/or slow
down the Leukemia progress.
You did the correct thing by joining support groups for T-LGLL and leukemia.... other
peoples experiences with their own situation can be amazingly helpful.  Again, I am
wishing you well...  please keep your updates coming but only as you feel comfortable sharing.

Regarding your "something completely different:"
If you had been following my blog for the years that I have been posting them, I describe in
my "Hunted Prey" blog thread my dating experiences with several male and female suitors.
While some of my dates with men were friendships, the romantic part was seemingly missing.
I ended up with my female suitor #5, she is my Dental Hygienist at the local dental office...
... and she is known as my Tooth-Fairy.

Again, I am wishing your well with your medical issues and with your personal relationship
endeavors with females.

I will be looking for your future postings.
HUGS, Danielle 

Quote from: Rachel on March 17, 2024, 05:24:05 PM@LoriDee, thank you.

So I stopped going to parties. I do not want to risk an infection. 

I was diagnosed with T-LGL leukemia I had a bone marrow aspiration ( they did 2) for conformations. Confirmed is T-LGL leukemia ( it is slow, incurable and there is low dose cemo to reduce spread if needed) . I had blast sells in the bone marrow and clumped white blood cells. Also clumped white blood cells were in my blood. No blast cells were in my blood. T-LGL leukemia does not make blast or clumped white blood cells. So there is second blood cancer. I will message the oncologist tomorrow morning at work. There were 7 reports over the week with the last report last night.

 I joined several support groups for T-LGLL and leukemia in general. 

------------------------------
Now for something completely different.

I was thinking, I have been with a lot of guys. There is something missing and it is not complete for me. I guess that is the reason I never accepted dates from guys. I had a lot of offers ( I have been with a lot of guys) but something is missing.

I never fantasized about being with a female. I had sex with 4 females pre-transition. Having sex with females was very scary. I had a micro penis and I was very self conscious. Plus I never wanted to be dominant, it felt wrong.

Post op I wanted to have sex with guys and I did a lot but an emotional connection was missing. It was just sex, which was nice but not complete. Post op I had sex with 3 females. They were in a dominant role. It was not just sex we talked and we communicated before and after. We became friendly within the context of our parties and community . It felt like I had real friends and we talked about a lot of things. I really missed those friendships when those parties ended.

So I went on a lesbian dating site and have been texting with Pam. She returns to the USA in May. Time will tell and we text frequently. Who knows what will happen, maybe more maybe less. 

I think I found the missing part I was searching for. It is friendship, communication and an emotional connection. Oddly enough I started thinking about being with a female as a female and I know it can work and well. It has taken me a while to experiment and learn about my sexuality and preferences.

Rachel Lynn   

@Northern Star Girl @LoriDee thank you for your well wishes and prayers. Danielle, I read every line of your story's, very captivating.

I have T-LGL Leukemia. I have a diagnosis for that.

 I have the Philadelphia Chromosome and the T315I mutation. I have blast cells in my blood. I had a series of three blood tests June, July and Aug 2023 and pet scan and MRI in. Jan 2023 my white blood cells were 9000 in June-August my white blood cells were 11,000. Above 11,000 is the alarm number. February my white blood cells were 14000. I had 2 bone marrow aspirations. 9 reports later I have clones of the BCR-ALB-1 but not to the diagnosis level yet. So I see the doctor in August for blood tests and if I needed a treatment plan.

T-LGL first line is methotrexate chemo in pill form low dose. If I get diagnosed with MCL the T315I mutation makes the 1st and 2nd line TKI's ineffective. There are 2 third line chemo therapies. If I am put on that it may just be a matter of time the body becomes immune to them one at a time. The cart t cell is the last line of treatment.

I hack squat 350 pounds and do 100 pound landmines, et. al. ( I will go up tomorrow) and my low red blood cells really have a bad effect on breathing. Eating is a real issue and I have lost some weight. I eat very high calorie very low volume foods and liquids.

I am keeping away from parties and hookups as my immune system is not working correctly. I do not want an infections.
---------------------------------------------------------

Now for something completely different

Pam (not her real first name but she goes by Pam). Her real first name is a very pretty name. She wants a long term relationship that leads to marriage. I swore when I was divorced I would never remarry but now I am open to it. I am lonely at nights and weekends. I keep busy but I want someone to share my life with. She is totally fine with me being trans post op. She is a good bit younger than me but she is fine with that. Anyhow in May she comes back to the USA. She will visit and stay for a while maybe longer.

She does not smoke, do dope, drugs or drink. She has an occasional beer. I am straight edge and need to maintain my sobriety. My addictive personality transfers to drugs or anything else that is an escape. I need to remain present. She is a good influence.

I hope things work out. I am a bit nervous as she is young and very beautiful and I feel awkward in comparison. She is very religious in the religion I was raised. I walked away from my religion at age 18. It did not accept someone like me. I do not know how to accept the path I was given. I am willing to accompany her to church, something I swore I would never step into. I do not know how they will react to seeing me; in reality there is nothing they can say or do to hurt me.

Long, sorry,
Rachel Lynn 

Pam is still in there. However now there is Rose (not her real name, she is from Texas and in NYC). I will be going on a date with her on the 26 through 28th. She really has my interest and I am totally infatuated with her. I never felt this with a guy.

So I think I figured out my sexuality. It took me a while :) I stopped going to parties a while ago and I absolutely do not miss it. I still have a lot of guys calling and texting me but I am not interested. When Rose and I communicate via text, video and phone I feel tingles, I smile and I have such a feeling of desire and my heart races. Life is so strange. She knows I am trans and have leukemias.

---------------------------

I have a T-LGLL diagnosis and and the oncologist is waiting for the Aug 13 blood test to see if the clonality increases for the PH+ leukemia. I have the T315I mutation so line 1 and 2 chemo will not work. Which leaves third line chemo. So I really hope the clonality goes down. I feel absolutely awesome and look forward to the gym tomorrow. 2023 and the first part of 2024 was bad health wise but I feel great now.

-----------------------------------
I finally have resolved some issues. I forgave myself for not transitioning much younger. Also I know it would have been a very different realty back then. I have resolved in my mind what occurred when I was young. Things will always hurt. Abuse, neglect and sexual abuse; I do not judge them and in my mind it is over. I need to focus on being the best person I can be and leave that baggage out of my life.   

God, I was so angry at God. I realize God was not to blame for the above. Why I am trans, mosaic, have TLGLL and PH+ and T315I mutation I do not know but I am over blaming.
----------------------
One thing that is really strange, When Penn was doing my bone marrow tissue and liquid genetic testing they found 3 allele's that, until now, was not in there genetic database. 

I am so happy for you and wish you the most happiness. You deserve it!

@LoriDee , thank you.

=-----------------------
So Rose is back from Texas Tuesday and I am going to her place Friday. I am really excited. She is younger than me and from a small town in Texas. She is so loving and accepting. I will definitely post how things work out. I am hopeful it goes well.
------------------------

I stopped going to parties and events a while ago. I still get calls from guys and I tell them I am no longer available. I guess at some point the calls will stop. They have definitely slowed down.
----------------------------------

My platelets doubled and are in the low normal range. I think my red blood cells are better because it the gym I can recover from squats and landmines easier. So if the red blood cells are higher then maybe the white blood cells are not as high. I will find out in August but I think things are getting better. I am hopeful.

I will start back on steps tomorrow. I use to do 50 squats, 26 storied of steps and 50 pushups every morning. I will see how many flights I can do tomorrow.

I was reading an article earlier and it made me think of your "discovery" of your relationships with men and women. I thought the article explained it really well so I understand. I am not saying this is you. It explained how varied the spectrum is between gender preference and sexual attraction.

If you want to check it out:

What, exactly, is a heteroromantic bisexual? (https://www.thepinknews.com/2024/04/20/what-exactly-is-a-heteroromantic-bisexual/)

Hugs!

@LoriDee, thank for the link to the article. It is definitely thought provoking. I can only be in a romantic relationship with a woman. Until I was at a party and three woman strapped me I, I just had sex with men. I remember the three females names and the experience which was incredible. The men do not do it for me. In reality that sex is a blur. There are specific things I really do not like and I never will. 

Rose is lesbian and I never had a relationship with a lesbian. I know it is a label. I wonder if there are other differences. I have been thinking about this for a while. Rose is romantic, loving and welcoming. She is very sexy and beautiful. She, I believe from what she wrote several time is religious. I have not asked about that. My 4 grandparents were 3 different religions. So I have a different perspective about organized religion. God on the other hand, I just recently do not blame for 3 really difficult things in my life to deal with.

Life is really interesting.   

Fingers crossed that your docs can purge the leukemia.

And fingers crossed that Pam and you end up wherever you wish.

Wow, 50 pushups! I don't even think I can do 10 after 27 months of HRT, more like 5 or 6. But I find this affirming, not having to be strong.

@Oldandcreaky, thank you to the good thoughts. T-LGL has no cure and there is no standard of care. Usually the chemo methotrexate is prescribed. I am PH+ (99.6% of those with CML and 30% of AML are PH+) with T315I gene mutation. So gen 1 and 2 chemo will not work. Gen 3 chemo will work but it is with pretty unpleasant side effects. I do not know if I can be compliant.

The Onco doctor wants to see in the PH+ clonality goes up or down Aug 13. It take about a month for the clonality labs to come in. Who knows, maybe the clonality will go down and the white cells count will be down.

@cortney G, I have not started the old step, squats and pushup routine. Part of me wants to but part of me does not want to know.

-----------------
Rose, Her name is Amanda (first) Rose (middle) name. Her Vietnamese first name is Binh which means peaceful.  She is really a beautiful person. I think of her all the time.

-------------------
I have been good and have been party free. The reality is that sex is just sex but sex with someone you love, respect and trust is a void filler. It is love. In order to love you need to let someone in. Which means you can get hurt.
--------------------------
Now for something completely different.

I have 2 sleeves and and other tattoos. I had the outline done on my back and butt for a 9 tailed fox Japanese style tattoo. The outline was an experience in pain.

There were 4 females and 1 male getting tattooed yesterday. Females get more tattoos than males. 68% of LGBT are tattooed. There were 3 LGBT females getting tattoos yesterday. 2 of the 5 tattoo artists were female and were very heavily tattooed.
-----------------------------------

So if I did not have 2 leukemia's I would not have gotten the GT500 and I would not have gotten 2 sleeves and a back butt tattoo. Life is short, have fun and U B U.

 

I think I'd def want a nice leg thigh tattoo after I transition. I find those thigh tattoos sexy. I also love those hena style designs very feminine and sexy. I'd prob get a few of those hena style designs but in a real tattoo.

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Your special day has arrived....  Happy Birthday on Friday, May 31st

I hope and trust that you are staying safe and staying healthy as you
can be considering some of your reported medical issues.

I am wishing YOU a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY
                                        :icon_flower:  :icon_flower:    :icon_birthday:    :icon_birthday:    :icon_flower:  :icon_flower:

Have a wonderful day of Birthday Celebrations on your "special day"

HUGS, and my best wishes,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
                           (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-j1nFHokRHDU%2FUGAGwMtVPKI%2FAAAAAAAABcc%2F9qGbj2cwd4g%2Fs1600%2Fbirthday-smiley-face.jpg&hash=1580dd2d8356bbf20bec0c5dbb88c59caadcf698)

Happy Birthday, Rachel!  :icon_birthday:

Happy birthday girl!

@LoriDee I read the article it was very interesting. Made me wonder if I feel under that umbrella.

@Robbyv213, leg tats are very cool. It most likely I will have my back and butt done in November.  Then I will do either thighs or start on the front.

@Robbyv213, @LoriDee, @Northern Star Girl thank you for the birthday wishes.

------------------------------------------
So I am off PrEP as there is no need to take it since I will not be going to parties or events. I want to avoid getting a UTI.

My oncologist had a new medication pass FDA approval and is now concentration on the population that it treats. So my new Oncologist starts Penn the second week of August. When I received the notice I called and got an appointment for the third week of August. So I am just 1 week delayed from the appointment in August.

I feel really good with the exception of nausea. I recover wind wise from Landmine's and squats so much better than I did last summer. So I am hoping my RBC is getting higher. I still bleed a lot when cut so my platelets still are an issue but not as bad as last summer. All-in-all, I am very hopeful for good bloodwork in August.
-------------------------
I got a septum piercing yesterday.
------------------------
I had my quarterly PCP visit at Mazzoni center. My T is 109 ng/dl which is good. I take a T cream. My E was 2936 ng/dl. My script was reduced 70%. They had my EV at 200 mg/ml 5 ml per vile then it came in 40 mg/ml 5 ml per vile. I did not change the injection ml by cutting it in half. It was my mistake. With my E reduced 70% I should be in the 880 ng/dl range. I am sure next time they will have me inject every 2 weeks same dose from every week.

I am thinking of asking for T injections so I can do that weekly and not forget and it will be a lot cheaper than the compounding pharmacy. I would do them sub Q. I wonder if I could do E sub Q in an area other than the tummy and preferably in the butt skin. I should message my provider.
--------------------------------------
Now for something completely different.

There are people at work that are into grounding. I have a mat for work and I just got one for my bed.

There is a person at work that uses a chest freezer and a thermostat that can control the temp to 2 degrees F. He does cold plunge therapy every evening. I have been looking into it and I may give it a try.
---------------------------------
The 2011 GT500 SVT is  lot of fun. I did find a 2014 GT500 SVT I could afford  if I sold the 2011 but I think I will keep the 2011. The difference is 110 HP more in the 2014 but I have all 3 modes of driving in the 2011 while the 2014 is just the base. Plus both cars top out at 800 HP with a VMP 3R supercharger. I really have no need to more HP. So 2011 is hear to stay.

I have not mentioned anything about sex. So here goes, hopefully PC enough.

When I had GCS and the subsequent operations in 2016/17 I really did not use the clit. The whole glands was used. If I wanted an orgasm I have vaginal orgasms from the G spot. Fast forward about 6/7 years and my clit atrophied; it was tiny.

I have T cream and I have been using it. Not gel as the dose I need is small and the gel at 50 mg/tube is way too much to use even in small amounts. I was told to use a pea size and that is too much as evidenced with blood tests. Hence the compounded cream. I am thinking about weekly shots in the XX mg/week range sub Q.

So with T cream I have a much greatly increased sex drive. My clit has awakened ( the sleeper has awakened) and I have found I can have clit orgasms and more than one or two or three. It is not like a vaginal orgasm. Life have surprises :)

I was in the gym last Friday working out and there was a masc person working out. I was so attracted to that person it was not funny. I think it was the most attracted in all the people I have seen.

When we had group it was with transwoman. In community I was in transition and had a lot going on. Last Friday as I was doing weighted crunches, just minding my own business working out. Out of the corner of my view that person was working out. I was extremely attracted to them. I think if I see them again I will have not choice but to ask a few work out, diet and supplement questions. This Friday I was exhausted and did not go to the gym Friday night.

Now for the strange and unusual
I go to the gym early on the weekends. There is an Army Colonel I knew well who I think retired and he is at the gym. He was transferred to Wash. DC and I transitioned. I look totally different now as opposed to 2010. He does not recognize me.  I use to look like a Nordic cave man
   

 
---------------------------------------------

Now for something completely different

So Monday I was going to work and the check engine light came on. Then a minute later the engine RPM started going up and the car speed going down. I pulled over. I checked everything out and I needed a quart of oil.

No one would deliver a quart of oil and it was tough to get a tow. I hit Geico and they had free towing for 10 miles. I got a tow to an Auto Zone. When the tow guy dropped off the car he said if you do not know how to put a quart of oil in your car ask them inside and they will help you. I thought wow, I 100% passed.

When I was waiting for the tow, the sun was rising and it was really beautiful. It was cool and low humidity. I passed 100%. I got to work. What an awesome day. I learned I did not have a spare quart of oil in that car. I now have oil, power steering and break oil in a box and I will be putting a gallon of 50/50 antifreeze in the box.

So as the tow truck was driving I had a thought pop into my mind. Would I? Yup, I would.

Rachel:
I enjoyed reading your last posting.... 100% passing is very affirming for sure. 

I am glad that you are now prepared with fluids that you may need for your
vehicle if you have an unexpected breakdown on the road.

You stated:
"So as the tow truck was driving I had a thought pop into my mind. Would I? Yup, I would."

I was eagerly looking to read your chapter 2 of that event !!!!!

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

@Northern Star Girl, thank for the reply and support.

Chapter II of the story, since my last bloodwork at Penn in February I have not been with anyone. I have an appointment at Penn August 26 with a new Oncologist. My old oncologist just had a treatment he was working on pass the FDA so he is working on those type of patients. It is am oral medication for cyclical cell.  My new doctors name is Dr. Mystery, you can not make this stuff up.

Last appointment my RBC was below the low mark, platelets were 178 which is double from the last test but I just finished my left sleeve the day before. So I do not know it that is good or not. My WBC went from 11,000 to 14,000. Then they had ne get the bone marrow aspirations.

I have been feeling good. I added in last week 23 flights of steps before work each work day. I lift heavy weights and my wind was improving until today. I had a rough gym session breathing and I did some errands today and I got winded easily. Maybe my RBC dropped. When I had a blood test at Mazzoni last week I blead a lot. I had a very high E level of 2900 so my NPc reduced my EV IM 70%, I was following the script. I was prescribed T injection because I do not want to just wing topical plus the topical smells like really cheap perfume. I was prescribed a weekly amount IM. I messaged back the NPc I  cut that prescribed dose in half. I think this Wednesday I will half the does to 1/4 the original and message my provider again. My T level should be in the lower female level; I will find out in September.
 

My hope is to avoid gen 3 chemo and do all the right things to improve my health. I get messages all the time from woman and guys and people wanting threesomes and one this week for a foursome and they were very kinky girls :). I really want to focus on a female relationship and not males or multiple people.
========================================================
Now for something completely different

I really want to wear a bikini on the beach in August and have my midriff open in the gym. I have some oblique and tummy fat I am very subconscious about. It is not bad but too much for me to feel comfortable about. I see some really fit woman in the gym and I really want that look. So I have been using a fat freezing machine to reduce the fat cells. It is working and pretty well. My thoughts are if My oblique and tunny fat cells are greatly reduced then fat will need to go elsewhere such as butt and boobs.

I have been working on my butt at the gym with squats and landmines. On off gym days I will be adding in kettle bell squats as of today. My butt is looking better and that gives me motivation.

I really love the Old Navy pants and tops for work, specially when there are sails and clearances.
-----------------------
I had braces when I was young but there has been tooth movement. This week I started invisaliners. It is really just for the 5 lower front teeth but I have a lower and upper plan. My dental plan is pretty good so I am taking advantage of it.

-----------------------
Something completely different

Since I had the two bone marrow aspirations in February I have not had sex with a guy. My concern is about getting a UTI.

I have been texting a researcher and I am hoping we can connect. She is a free spirit and BOHO as am I. She literally lives in a 5 minute walk from work. She likes the outdoors and hiking and sounds pretty chill. I am definitely chill and like the outdoors and hiking.   

Not gonna lie, Rachel, your pic immediately makes me think Michelle Pfeiffer. You look stunning. <3

@Sephirah, thank you, I am very flattered. I guess Dr. Spiegel deserves kudos. Before FFS I looked like a cave man.

I look like my sister.

The night before FFS I was looking in the mirror. Something I did not do. I thought to myself are you sure you want to do this? ( I did this before every procedure as a time out). My reply was even if I do not look female I will at least not look like a cave man.

The night before FFS I was 8 weeks out for a BA and GCS and I think 3 months out for hair graphs 1st of 2 sessions.

When I took the bandages off in the extended stay I cried. I do not know why I cried. Ok I know why, I had so many staples and stitches it was not funny. There was a lot of dried blood and now there was this different face looking back at me. It was a lot to take in.

 I knew then that my life was going in a different direction. HRT, therapy and group was something that could be hidden, kind of. But now Everyone could see Rachel, comment about Rachel and it is permanent. I am happy it turned out well.

The tattoo
So I got left and right sleeves and now I a working on my back and butt. My left arm, back and butt are Japanese. I have other tattoo's. This past Monday was my third 7 hour session on my back. Wow, that was a lot to handle. Surprising to me the obliques were the roughest part.

Evaluation
I had my evaluation and my supervisor said to me I am different. He then asked if anyone bothers me. I said no because of the 29,000 employees no one bothers me. I shared some stories about do researchers shared with me their Japanese sleeves. I was assuming he was thinking my sleeves or back tattoos or maybe my septum piercing but on second thoughts he may have been referencing that I am trans.

Sex
None since February. I have a flow cytology test August 22 and I do not want any chance of getting a UTI or a cold.

Health
I have a blood panel August 22 and a new Oncologist. I think my red blood cells are low as I experience being out of breath when I lift nd always cold. Which is the same all my life (maybe this is why mosquitos do not bite me). I always had low red blood cells. I bet my platelets will be about 150. The big question is where will my white blood cells be. If it is above 14,000 then that will not be good.

Teeth
Since I had braces when I was young my teeth moved so Invisalign at night was added to my routine.

Trans
So I know I am trans but it has been 12 plus years since I started HRT and 8 years since GCS. So that is well in the past. Dysphoria is long gone and somehow difficult to remember the pain it caused me. I travel the same roads I tried to end the pain and I can not believe I went to such extremes. Had I known I would have gotten help much sooner.

The future
SO I have three doors I could enter. Even if I go through one door it does not mean I do not go into another door at a later time.

Door 1
The white blood counts go down.  Do I keep my distance from people? I continue life with a new beginning or a pause to my future.

Door 2
White blood cells stay the same. Much the same as door 1.

Door 3
The White blood cells go up and perhaps considerable up. I guess I have choices on if I go on chemo or not. I guess I could be with people again. With my abstinence I really desire a relationship.

My future is not written and I have options and choices. I guess I am looking at my life very differently. 

I had an appointment with my new oncologist Thursday. He said I make t-lgl, CLL and Cml Cells but they do not replicate by themselves. So I o not have cancer I just make these cells normally. He said they have one other person like me but they do not know why it occurs. So I do not have cancer as they do not replicate by themselves, I make them through my genetics. He also said I ha this all my life.

I always had low red blood cells and take iron but it does not help. I have low platelets and I never really noticed this in the past. I have high white blood cells and I guess that is normal. High WBC meaning 8 to 14 thousand. My WBC is not 100,000. So I guess I am good to go.

Thinking I had leukemia I got sleeves and I am getting my back and butt tattooed. Plus I have a small septum nose ring (very cute). Then there is the GT 500 SVT, which is so much fun to drive.
----------------------------------------------
My work evaluation

My boss said I am very different.  LOLOLOLOL
-----------------------------------------------
I went off PrEP (Descovy) and have not had sex since February. I did not want to increase my WBC. Now that I know I do not have cancer the question is will I return to the lifestyle. I had this really nice guy I know well text me last night. He knows the issue I have. He wanted to know If I wanted to hook up. He is   really nice, long hair, 29 and very hot. I really nee to think about this.
---------------------------------------------
Tattoo
So I an having my back and butt tattooed. 3 sessions in and 3 more to go. The last session was so painful I need to use numbing cream. I got 6 tubes for my next back session.
-----------------------------------------------
I wore a skirt to work last Thursday. I think I looked very good and other than a minor thought of, do I look ok, I was fine. I did get a few compliments.
--------------------------------------
So I was at the gym this morning. I at one point did two exercises next to this guy I knew very well before I transitioned. He was transferred to Washington DC and I guess he is retired from the military now. Anyhow, he did not recognize me. I look nothing like I use to look before transition and I think it is really cool that I look so different. I love being me and I have been very lucky on estrogen and FFS.
-------------------------------------
Hair, I use hair color to just very minorly darken my hair. I have not been using the hair color an my hair is natural. My hair is white/very light blond. I think I will never color my hair again unless it it purple streaks.
-------------------------------------
So I started my whole health issue from blood tests January 2023. I was doing bloodwork for a face lift. 1 year 8 month sidetrack plus thinking I will die from leukemia. So I have a new life and I want to be thoughtful on what I do. I would not have gotten the GT500 or two sleeves had I had normal blood ( I have abnormal or not typical blood and genes). I love the sleeves, nose ring and GT500. So there are some positives from the ordeal. I learned what others that have leukemia go through and I am happy I do not have it. I have a new life, again.
---------------------------
Can I find a doctor close to me to do a lower face lift???   
 

Good news then dear, do you really need another op? You seem to pass fine, as you said someone from your past not recognising you>

That is such good news! I am so relieved for you.

Like Davina, said. Do you really think you need it? You are gorgeous. Why take a risk if you don't need to?

@Davina, than you. I may try a CO2 laser treatment on my lower face to tighten skin. IDK, right now I am not doing anything.

@Lorie Dee, Thank you.
------------------------
I see the oncologist is a year or if I o not feel well as in leukemia symptoms. Knowing that I do not have the different poorly made cells cloning themselves and it is from my own genetics is a relief. But my red blood cells are low and my platelets are low and my white blood cells are on the boarder line high.  The bad white blood cells are not cloning but my immune system is not in good condition.

I had stopped Prep and I have been eating 4 ounces of cheddar cheese grass fed for months (helps form better cell walls). I like the cheddar cheese but being celibate is tough. Did the cheese and stopping Prep help? Also I was taking T as prescribed about 1/5 of the time. T is tough to take even at low dosage. I will talk to my PAc Sept 9 about the T. I had very high E an he lowered my E to 1/3. I should be in range now. Lower E is tough too. I will see what my blood test shows.

So now that I do not need to think about 3rd gen chemo an the sides, I nee to rethink the next 5 years. I was thinking I was going to go through a tough time so I got a septum piercing, small and cute. I have a Japanese sleeve and a trans flag colors flower right sleeve. I am in the process of getting my back and butt done (9 tailed fox). I had three 6-7 hour sessions and after the last session I got 6 tubes of numbing cream.

I really want a relationship instead of parties. I have been with "a few" guys and 4 woman post op. Woman are more attractive to me. So I have a lot to think about. 

So the breakdown of the white blood test results came in the the new oncologist that said I did not have cancer and I make cll, t-lgl and cml cells in my genes and not from clones sent a message attached with the results.

Recap old Oncologist
From my past oncologist tests I have the Philadelphia mutation, BCR-ALB1 mutation (cml and aml are derived from the mutation). I have T315I mutation and gen 1 and 2 chemo would not be effective. Leaving the first line of defense gen 3 chemo. I have an issue with T-LGL and CLL cells. 

New Oncologist
He said in the first visit post blood test I do not have gene mutations and my genes make the CLL, CML and T-LGL cells and there are no treatments available.

New Oncologist message
You have a large population of T-LGL cells ( 18% of all WBC and 28% of lymphocytes) and we need to look closely at your clonality study. I do not have a warm and fuzzy with this doctor. He is very handsome, young and captivating.

So I heard I do not have gene mutations and now I question his statements. My red blood cells and platelets are low. This morning in the gym I ran out of energy to complete my last three exercises. I was light headed, tired and winded. I will be back in the gym tomorrow to finish and maybe try a new exercise or two.

I got 2 sleeve tattoo and am working on my back and butt. I always wanted a female Japanese suit. Next are legs and lower butt. I also got a 2011 GT500 andthen there s the septum piercing (small cute ring). I am off prep and have not had sex for 8 months since the bone marrow biopsies. I have not been sick or had a UTI for at least a year. So my WBC are about as good as I am going to get them. I did the above thinking CLL usually is something you die with, there is no treatment.  T-LGL is usually something you die with and I could take methotrexate to low my immune system. CML is an issue, gen 3 chemo, stem cell and cart. Then there was the you do not have mutations and now we need to look closely at the gene mutation study.

I went from live life to the fullest time is short to google and not find anything on what he said I have to oh, wait you may have gene mutations.

Then I remember asking then why do the hematology reports say CLL, CML, T-LGL and T315I? He said he would need to re-read the reports. Now I think he may have read the reports and is back peddling.   

I have these guys calling me and texting me and I need to say something other than I am taking a break. One guy is very cute, long hair and is 29, very hot and proportioned very well.

Being trans is lonely enough, then I have a group in a community and I can not participate. I pass and a bunch of the guys I did not disclose to.

Now for something completely different
Gym Girl is back from the Jersey Shore. HUUUM

 

I am thinking about a few things.

I have a trans friend stay at the house 4 nights a week. She lives 4 hours away and works as a risk manager for a county. She is married and we are just friends. So we were just talking on night and she said I am not trans. She said I am intersexed and that is different. I did not say anything to her but it felt I did not fit in anywhere. I know that is just her opinion not how I see myself and that I am trans. I hope others do not see intersexed people as not in the community.

I am waiting to see what my clonality is for the three different types of white blood cells that are not correct. I received a message from the Oncologist when the flow cytology results came back. He said he would need to look at the clonality report very closely.  I have not been sick since last year nor have I had a UTI. I am very apprehensive to get a flue vaccination and the newest covid vaccination. I will get them but I just hope it does not do anything to my white blood cell count.

I was reading the T-LGL is very hard to diagnose. One of the things is persistent high T-LGL over 6 months. It has been since May 2023 when they did the first flow cytology. Then I thought, I do not want to take methotrexate so just let things be. I feel ok and I can do my gym routine so I think all is extremely well.

So I am thinking totally different now than a year ago. I am not going to die from Leukemia(s). I got two sleeve tattoos and I am getting my back and butt tattooed. I got a GT500 too. I love the car and the tattoos. I never would have done this if I did not think a health hell was coming. Now a year and a half later I am thinking all is ok. Now I need to focus on living and having fun.

I guess the one thing this scare has me also doing differently is I am taking T sub Q. I am taking less than prescribed and I reviewed this with my provider. I am doing a lot better than I have been the last 8 years. T definitely helps with orgasms.

 

 

While in the service, we had no choice but to take the flu vaccine among others. I got sick every time. They say that is what is supposed to happen, that is how your immune system learns.

I got out of the service in March 1990. I have not had a flu shot since then, and I have never had the flu. I refused the COVID and flu vaccines, but I agreed to shingles. I had chicken pox as a kid, so it makes sense to get the shingles vaccine. I got sick. Very sick. Never again.

Quote from: Rachel on September 14, 2024, 08:40:45 PMI have a trans friend stay at the house 4 nights a week. She lives 4 hours away and works as a risk manager for a county. She is married and we are just friends. So we were just talking on night and she said I am not trans. She said I am intersexed and that is different. I did not say anything to her but it felt I did not fit in anywhere. I know that is just her opinion not how I see myself and that I am trans.

Oh my, I thought gender identity is a psychological concept related to a person's internal sense of self, and intersex is a medical condition related to a person's physical sex characteristics, and not all intersex people identify as transgender or gender non-conforming, and not all transgender or gender non-conforming people are intersex.

I am sure you know this, and I want to say that I am sorry that you are going through this.

Quote from: Rachel on September 14, 2024, 08:40:45 PMI hope others do not see intersexed people as not in the community.

Unfortunately, in my own opinion I think human nature plagues to a certain degree, all communities either trans or cis or something else. Someone, a trans person I met at a local event, try convincing me that my gender identity that I identify by is incorrect. I told them that their comments were insulting to me, and I was removing myself from the conversation. They said that is ridiculous and ask me what did they do or say that it was insulting to me?

I did not answer them, I am not the one to educate strangers IRL, or to point out their ignorance, I simply just walked away.

QuoteI am waiting to see what my clonality is for the three different types of white blood cells that are not correct. I received a message from the Oncologist when the flow cytology results came back. He said he would need to look at the clonality report very closely.  I have not been sick since last year nor have I had a UTI. I am very apprehensive to get a flue vaccination and the newest covid vaccination. I will get them but I just hope it does not do anything to my white blood cell count.

I was reading the T-LGL is very hard to diagnose. One of the things is persistent high T-LGL over 6 months. It has been since May 2023 when they did the first flow cytology. Then I thought, I do not want to take methotrexate so just let things be. I feel ok and I can do my gym routine so I think all is extremely well.

So I am thinking totally different now than a year ago. I am not going to die from Leukemia(s).

That's great news, sending hugs and positive positive vibes your way.

QuoteSo I am thinking totally different now than a year ago. I am not going to die from Leukemia(s). I got two sleeve tattoos and I am getting my back and butt tattooed. I got a GT500 too. I love the car and the tattoos. I never would have done this if I did not think a health hell was coming. Now a year and a half later I am thinking all is ok. Now I need to focus on living and having fun.

This is a great attitude to live by, sometimes I forget just to be grateful to able to wake up to see another day.

Looks like a excellent choice, I looked up the GT500, it looks like a hell of a machine, enjoy!

@Lori Dee, @Lilis thank you for your support.

I was leaving Costco Sunday. A new black mustang 5.0 pulled up next to me and the lowered the window. The driver, female, said nice car is it manual. I said yes and she said so is hers. Both were 100 percent black inside and out. The cars sounded awesome accelerating down the road. :)

I am off of PrEP. I have not been with someone since 1/23. I still have guys texting me and messaging me. I know I am pan and poly and abstinence is tough. I have friends that go to parties and they always invite me and give a report the next day. I miss the community. I really wanted to get a girlfriend but not going to parties really reduces the odds.

So when I had FFS in 2015 I had a lot of work done. It has been 9 years and I have developed some skin laxity in the lower face. I have watched a few YouTubes  that feature Ellacore and I want to find out more such as best price in my area, pain and recovery. The question is do I get ellacore or a VMP3R for the mustang.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving so Happy Thanksgiving. I have not been sick in 2 years (almost) and I feel good. My RBC and platelets are low and WBC are high but nothing extreme. Eventually I will get sick and then I will see how I make out.

So I really want to join or participate in a female social circle. Basically I want to make more friends and maybe find someone.

SOOOOOOOO now for something entirely different.
I have been busy. I have both arms and now back and top of the butt tattooed. I have 3 appointments scheduled to start my legs. I am doing Japanese by an awesome artist. My back is a Kitsune and my arms are flowers. The theme will all be the summer season. I will have 2 goldfish on the back of left leg. I am very excited to continue.

I have been preparing for an experiment. I just ordered the last components. It involves lasers and other items. I have a 1.2 watt green and 10 watt blue output lasers. I am learning a lot and hope to repeat an experiment with some changes.

I am keeping busy at work. We are building a 385,000 gsf and a 1.2 million GSF research and hospital respectively. This is out 4th hospital. We have 7 stem cell production labs and we are building 10 more. We are doing FDA trials for a treatment for sickle cell. Researchers here developed the CART T Cell treatment. We are also working on the "extend" project. Work is very busy.