Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Got the defribulator out and revived this, stand clear!!
 what did the Eskimo use to mend his house?    Ig glue.

"If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine."

A vulture boards an airplane and was carrying two dead small animals.

The flight attendant looks at the vulture and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion is allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swam into a concrete wall.  One fish wiggles to the other and says, "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.  They lit a fire in the kayak to try to get warmer.

The kayak began to sink, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison, you cant wash your hands in a buffalo------

When cannibals eat a comedian, they said "that tasted funny."

Would a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray now be considered a "seasoned veteran?"

A midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison may be considered to be a "small medium at large."

One of the signs on the lawn at a drug rehabilitation center said: "please keep off the grass."

I wondered why the softball kept looking bigger. Then it hit me.  Ouch.

Did you know that while time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana?

Does your nose run and your feet smell?

Oh dear, you are put together backward!

The makeup application was so bad that it made me blush.

Note that a grenade, if thrown into a kitchen in France, would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

A backward poet writes inversely.

In a democracy it is your vote that counts.

In feudalism it is your count that votes.

Two silk worms raced; however, they ended up in a tie.

A crate of tomatoes went out on the town and got smashed, very saucy

She was "only" a whiskey maker; however, he loved her still.

Farmer Giles, an expert in his field

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I will go on a head.'

Two cows in a field. One said "moo" the other said "I was just about to say that"

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are to face s shooting squad.

The Englishman is taken to the wall and the squad was about to shoot when he points behind the squad and shouts "earthquake", the squad runs away and the Englishman escapes.

The Scotsman takes note of the Englishmen's success and when he is dragged out to the wall, waits until the squad were about to shoot and shouts out "Tidal wave", the squad run away and he escapes.

Now the Irishman is feeling really good that he would be saved too but is racking his brain. Earthquake worked, tidal wave worked, what else would work then he smiled and whispered to himself iv got it.

So it is his turn to be at the wall and the shooting squad where just about to shoot, the Irishman with a board grin across his shouts out "fire". 

There is a big hole in the ground, the police are looking into it.

Someone stole all the loos at the cop shop, the police have nothing to go on.

PS the first one really happened in Margate where the cliff had given way and a policeman was standing guard until it could be made safe.

A sheep dog went into a sheep only club, he got baaaaed

There was a mysterious hole made in the wooden fence near the popular swimming pool at a clothing optional resort.  The police are looking into it.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on a southwestern Alaskan island; however, she turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

No matter how much "you push the envelope," it will remain stationery.

Do you think that flounder are unsuccessful fish?

2 snowpeople in a field ,one turns to the other and said can you smell carrots?

What is your job? "I'm a real estate agent" Wow, are there imaginary ones?

Quote from: davina61 on April 02, 2024, 03:04:09 AM2 snowpeople in a field ,one turns to the other and said can you smell carrots?

That reminds me:

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "tastes funny".

the hat said to the coat I am going a head are you following?

Economic news

Ice-cream prices frozen.
Biscuit prices crumble.
Tomatoe grower in the red.
Beef futures are bullish
Bread prices rise
Pear sweet price drops
Clock maker time is running out
Origami company folds.

       . . .

Acme Bra company went bust.

Organisations finances stretched after acquiring a failing knicker elastic company.

In other news:

Man spreads bird on bread as he could not tell stork from butter.

Police seek dish after reports that it has ran away with a spoon.

Experimenting ophthalmologist made a spectacle of himself.

Health guru say only cut pizzas into 6 prices as 8 is too gutty.

I bought some short bread but it didn't fill the tin.

A woman stopped eating breakfast as she heard there was a serial killer about.

I went to the bar where everybody knows your name and they went who are you.

What's the difference between a toilet and a sink?

Don't know?

I won't be inviting you over to my place!

What's brown and come steaming backwards out of Cowes, the isle of Wight ferry.

what do you call a camel with no hump, Humphry


I always wanted to be a plumber, bit of a pipe dream

Unfortunately  the sword swallower wont be performing tonight, he is sick with a sore throat

Warning!


If you are chased by crazy weapons bearing taxidermists, do not play dead.



#Jessica_Rose

A frog enters the bank to get a loan. He approaches the woman at the loan application desk and notes that her name tag reads: Patty Whack.

The Frog says, "Excuse me, I'd like to apply for a loan."

The woman says, "I guess we can help you with that... May I ask your name?"

The frog responds, "Kermit Jagger."

Patty recognizes the Jagger name and asks, "Really? Any relation to Mick Jagger?"

"Yes! He's my dad."

"Alright, what do you have for collateral?" Patty asks.

Kermit handed her a small pink ceramic elephant.

Confused, Patty states, "I'm not sure we can accept this as collateral..."

Immediately the frog replies, "Well, go speak to the manager about it. He and my dad are real tight."

She does so, and asks the manager, "Sir, there is a frog outside trying to get a loan from us. He says his name is Kermit Jagger, and believes that this weird elephant thing is enough to use as collateral."

The manager takes the figurine and explains, "Yes, what's the problem? It's a knick-knack, Patty-Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man is a Rolling Stone!"

A pilot flying over the polluted river Nean sees a whole picnic laid out , yes theres a whole meal by the stream smelly Nean

A doctor fell into a well
And broke his collarbone.
Doctors should attend the sick
And leave the well alone.

went to see the doc and said my throat is sore so he said open wide, ah a little raw so I went gggrrrrrrr.
 Tommy Cooper the funniest person that ever lived.

Do limericks count as bad jokes?  ;D

Try to read this one aloud:

"There's a train at 4:04", said Miss Jenny,
"Four tickets I'll take. Have you any?"
Said the man at the door, "Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many!"

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 09, 2024, 05:34:36 PMThe manager takes the figurine and explains, "Yes, what's the problem? It's a knick-knack, Patty-Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man is a Rolling Stone!"

You have to be of a certain age to get the humor in this one.

This might help those that are scratching their heads:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ntu2v05Ajvc

Two cannibals eating a clown and one says to the other does this taste funny to you?

Why do they only eat one egg in France?
Because in France, one egg is un oeuf.

Sign at pub:

NO Free WiFi.
Talk to each other and enjoy our beverages.

Outdoor sign an at automobile oil change place:


Free oil changes for Teslas.

Sign at overseas retail establishment:

"SORRY, we cannot accept cash
because most of our employees
cannot do maths."

Sometimes I see a sidewalk and it obviously ends, with a sign that says, "Sidewalk Ends."

Seems odd to me but perhaps it keeps some people off of private or government property.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on September 16, 2024, 01:15:38 PMSometimes I see a sidewalk and it obviously ends, with a sign that says, "Sidewalk Ends."

Some people can be traumatized by surprises. The horror of walking along and suddenly the sidewalk just ends without warning. At least with a warning sign, they have ample time to plan how to turn around and go in a different direction.  ;D < lots of sarcasm here >

I would like to die quietly in my sleep like my dad did, the passengers in his car died screaming (Spike Milligan)

Look you can't just let any
Ton, dick and harry in here.


Hi tom hi dick hi Harry there are of course exceptions

Kermit the frog - Muppets show

Saw this one on social media:

Where do bad rainbows go?

To prism. It's a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.

Cannibals don't like clowns. They taste funny.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!"

A duck went into the restaurant and ate a lot.  He said to put the expenses on his bill.

Chrissy

Customer: The takeaway down the road only charges $2 for a steak roll.

Takeaway manager: Well, why don't you go back there?

Customer: They ran out of steak.

Takeaway manager: We only charge $1.50 for a steak roll when we run out of steak.

There's a bar I think I'll avoid.

A friend was with with some of his pals when a barmaid came to take the order.  My friend said "I'll have a lager and please make sure that the glass is clean."

After a little while, the barmaid returned with a tray of drinks.

"Who wanted the clean glass?", she asked.

Quote from: MaryT on November 08, 2024, 05:27:49 PMThere's a bar I think I'll avoid.

A friend was with with some of his pals when a barmaid came to take the order.  My friend said "I'll have a lager and please make sure that the glass is clean."

After a little while, the barmaid returned with a tray of drinks.

"Who wanted the clean glass?", she asked.

Yes, I would avoid it also!

A rope goes into a bar, sits at the bar and orders a beer.  The Bar tender look at him and says "we don't serve your kind in here.  So the rope leaves the bar.
 
The next day the rope goes back into the bar and tries to order a beer.  The bartender say "I told you we don't serve your kind in here, get out".  So the rope leaves the bar again.

The following day, the rope is real thirst and really wants a beer.  So he twists up into a tight loop and unravels himself at end.  He then he goes back into the bar. He sit on a bar stool and orders a beer.
 
The bartender pours a beer, turns around and sets in down in front of the rope.  He then stops and says "Hey aren't you that rope".  To this the rope replies "Frayed Knot!" 

What do you get if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?   A woolly jumper

What word starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"?

FIRETRUCK!

What were you thinking?

What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?

Elefino

You crack me up, and I am not even an egg.

Oh maybe I am as an nerdish egghead. 

Chrissy

An Australian farmer talking to an Irish farmer, it takes me all day to drive across my land and the Irish farmer says I had a car like that once!

Why don't you see rhinoceros' hiding in trees??

They are really good at it!  ;)  :D


Leigh

I have not seen any rhinos in trees but there have been some in the US Congress.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

I'm done, I'm out of here. Guess I'm really clocking out for good!

Quote from: Sarah B on November 12, 2024, 08:36:51 PMI'm done, I'm out of here. Guess I'm really clocking out for good!

Clock back in.  You are timeless and timely.

Chrissy

Why don't skeletons fight each other?


Because they don't have the guts!

Hugs
Sarah B

Why did the scarecrow win an award?



Because he was outstanding in his field!

Hugs
Sarah B

"I'm going to quit these puns while I'm behind... it's time to pun-ish myself!"

Hugs
Sarah B

"Alright, here's one more for the road... but this is the last one, I promise you, or my puns will be highway robbery!"

Hugs
Sarah B

This bloke was lost so he asked a vicar the way, turn left at St Mary's and when you can see the spire at St Thomas turn right and follow the road till you come to St Peters. Well he got lost again so sees this old fella and asks the way, keep driving down this road till you get to the Dog and Trumpet, turn right and pass the Plough and Harrow  then left till you come to the Royal Oak!!!

Pun

"E" is going to be the end of ME..

I call my horse Mayo and sometimes Mayo neighs!

MsLeigh

Stand up time.  So i went on this blind date, asked my pal about her and he texted me she is a bit of a mouse. Great I thought a nice quiet evening with a gentle lady, turns out I was wrong as the text should have said a bit of a moose. Damn auto correct!!

Forklift operators hate our puns, they find them unpalletable. ;D


MsLeigh

New one for today...

A bike in town keeps running me over, it's a vicious cycle.
 :D  ;D

Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 23, 2024, 10:58:38 AMNew one for today...

A bike in town keeps running me over, it's a vicious cycle.
 :D  ;D

Leigh

Yikes! Stay away from that cycle!

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 23, 2024, 04:02:26 PMYikes! Stay away from that cycle!

Chrissy

It keeps coming back 'round.

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 23, 2024, 10:58:38 AMNew one for today...

A bike in town keeps running me over, it's a vicious cycle.
 :D  ;D

Leigh

It reminds me of Little Willy poems we used to tell. Does anyone remember Little Willy?

Little Willy on his bike,
Through the village, took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk.
She will live, but still can't talk.

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 23, 2024, 04:47:06 PMIt reminds me of Little Willy poems we used to tell. Does anyone remember Little Willy?

Little Willy on his bike,
Through the village, took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk.
She will live, but still can't talk.

Not me. 

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 23, 2024, 09:58:34 PMNot me. 

Little Willy was a terror in his neighborhood. He was so out of control, that adults feared him. He did whatever he wanted, sometimes to his own detriment.


Little Willy, home from school
Where he'd learned the Golden Rule
Said, "If I eat this whole cake,
Sis won't get a stomach ache."


Little Willy in the best of sashes
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by, the room grew chilly,
But no one dared to poke up Willy.


Little Willy found a mirror
And licked the mercury off,
Thinking that his childish error
Would cure the Whooping Cough.
At his funeral, Mrs. Smith
Said smartly to Mrs. Brown,
"'Twas a chilly day for Willy
When the mercury went down."


OK, I'll see myself out.  ;D

Have you heard about the movie about constipation?

It has not come out.

Why did the roll of toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

I heard two stories about a constipated old mathematician.

One says he worked it out with a pencil and the other claims he used a slide rule.  ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 24, 2024, 12:18:36 AMI heard two stories about a constipated old mathematician.

One says he worked it out with a pencil and the other claims he used a slide rule.  ;D

What a crappy joke Lori!

What did the turd say to the fart?

You blow me away!

Okay one more.


What is the big problem with constipated accountants?

They cannot budget.

nail bar workers waiting to get in, they were all in single file.

You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany.

Quote from: davina61 on November 24, 2024, 03:41:03 AMnail bar workers waiting to get in, they were all in single file.

I had to look up Nail Bar.  I've never heard one called that before.

Have you seen the movie about constipation? :embarrassed:


No, because it has not come out yet.

Drill operator not liking his job as it was boring

I always thought "No Kidding" meant birth control.  ;D

Frying Kippers does not mean cooking someone while they take a nap

There are three types of people in this world.

Those who can count.
And those who can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary, and those who don't.

Love always -- Jess

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 05, 2024, 07:02:23 PMThere are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary, and those who don't.

Love always -- Jess

Yes, remember that there are 10 genders!  ;D

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on December 05, 2024, 07:02:23 PMThere are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who know binary, and those who don't.

Love always -- Jess

11 cheers for binary.

Warm Regards - Paulie.

A fake noodle is an impasta.

A nurse asked for a red pen in case she had to draw blood.

He used to be addicted to soap.

Good news, he is all clean now.

NEVER criticize people unless you have walked a mile in their shoes, be it Birkenstocks or whatever.

That way, besides possibly being empathetic, you will be a mile away from them and you will have their shoes.

You just cannot explain puns clearly enough to kleptomaniacs because they take things, literally.

Two fish were swimming along nicely; but, both swam right into a wall.  One said, "Dam!"

Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

What side of the bird has the most feathers?

It is obviously the outside.

Eggs cannot tell each other jokes because they would all be cracked up.

She wrote and is promoting her book on reverse psychology.
She keeps telling people to not buy and read it.

Sales of her book have taken off since her book tour started.

Quote from: Lori Dee on December 29, 2024, 05:14:38 PMAnything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

Cleverly worded.

Talking of books I saw this one the other day, Breast Implants by Norma Snockers

Quote from: davina61 on December 30, 2024, 04:01:08 AMTalking of books I saw this one the other day, Breast Implants by Norma Snockers

I remember the classic, "Yellow Rivers" by I. P. Freely.

Never blame others for the road you're on, it's your own asphalt.

Hugs,
Leigh

Is asphalt rectum trouble?

white knuckle rides by  S K Elington

A woman asks a guy dressed in western wear at a bar if he is a real cowboy.  He answers that he indeed is and mentions numerous things that a real cowboy does most days. 

She is awed and mentions that she is a lesbian, as she wakes up and then thinks throughout the day of naked, beautiful women and being with them.  A minute or two of silence follows.

Then a dude walks up, sits down, and asks the same guy if he is a real cowboy.  The cowboy thinks for a few moments, bewildered, and answers, "I thought that I am.  Now I think I am a lesbian."

——

P.S.  I am not making fun of lesbians.  I am a trans lesbian.  No offense intended,

Why are chemists great at solving problems?

Because they have all of the solutions!

Two antennas decided to get married.  The ceremony was pretty boring, but the reception was great!

How come Santa was winded? One of the reindeer kicked him in his sack.

My jokes are not that good!  Of course, that is why they are posted here (see the name of this thread!)

Surely YOU have a joke you can post?  Please do.  They cannot be worse than mine, can they?


Chrissy

P.S.  Do not answer that last question.

Quote from: davina61 on December 30, 2024, 04:01:08 AMTalking of books I saw this one the other day, Breast Implants by Norma Snockers

In the 1970s there was a well-illustrated bestseller called
Flushed with Pride! The Story of Thomas Crapper.

Thomas Crapper was a real Victorian sanitary engineer (Dirk Bogarde walks past the company sign early in the movie The Servant) but the book is largely comic fiction. 

However, people began to doubt that Thomas Crapper had really existed when the author followed up with a biography of Otto Titzling, "The Inventor of the Bra".

Quote from: davina61 on November 22, 2024, 03:24:19 AMStand up time.  So i went on this blind date, asked my pal about her and he texted me she is a bit of a mouse. Great I thought a nice quiet evening with a gentle lady, turns out I was wrong as the text should have said a bit of a moose. Damn auto correct!!

Well, as the Scot who visited Canada said,

"If yon's a moose, how big are the CATS?!!"

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 23, 2024, 04:47:06 PMIt reminds me of Little Willy poems we used to tell. Does anyone remember Little Willy?

Little Willy on his bike,
Through the village, took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk.
She will live, but still can't talk.

I remember

Little Willy with a grin
Drank up all his pappy's gin
Mummy said when he was plastered
Go to bed you little love child

Quote from: MaryT on January 01, 2025, 11:58:12 AMI remember

Little Willy with a grin
Drank up all his pappy's gin
Mummy said when he was plastered
Go to bed you little love child

I hadn't heard that one! I love it.  :laugh:

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 23, 2024, 11:30:00 PM'''
Little Willy in the best of sashes
Fell in the fire and was burned to ashes.
By and by, the room grew chilly,
But no one dared to poke up Willy.

''''

That rhyme originally appeared in a late Victorian collection called
Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes
as

Tender-Heartedness

Billy, in one of his nice new sashes
Fell in the fire and was burnt to ashes;
Now, although the room grows chilly
I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy

Another of my favourites from that collection is

The Perils of Obesity

Yestersay my gun exploded
When I thought it wasn't loaded;
Near my wife I pressed the trigger,
Chipped a fragment off her figure;
'Course I'm sorry and all that
But she shouldn't be so fat

The following poem reminds us what happens when masochists torture sadists.
Self-Sacrifice

Father, chancing to chastise
His indignant daughter Sue
Said, "I hope you realize
That this hurts me more than you."

Susan straightway ceased to roar.
"If that's really true," said she
"I can stand a good deal more;
Pray go on, and don't mind me."

Quote from: Paulie on December 03, 2024, 11:42:21 PMI had to look up Nail Bar.  I've never heard one called that before.

It is an uncommon term in the USA as compared to just the name of a nail salon but I have seen it.

Saw a dumb meme, maybe it was a legit marketing piece, that said something like, "Get Nailed! At such as such nail salon."

We have a Nail Bar here in Rapid City. It is not your usual nail salon, it is a bar.

So you get your nails done while having a cocktail... or have a few cocktails while they do your nails.

I haven't been yet, but my Bestie has suggested we go together sometime.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 01, 2025, 01:59:51 PMWe have a Nail Bar here in Rapid City. It is not your usual nail salon, it is a bar.

So you get your nails done while having a cocktail... or have a few cocktails while they do your nails.

I haven't been yet, but my Bestie has suggested we go together sometime.

Lori,

Do let us know how that visit went if you go.  Plus your color, full set, etc.

Chrissy

IF I go, I will.

I'm not one to drink in public since that would mean I need to drive home.
I also am not inclined to shell out $40 or whatever to have my nails done just so I can break them on rocks. My BFF wants to go, but she doesn't even wear polish, so I think it is just more of a supportive suggestion.

But maybe. Someday.

I have the body of a 20 year old, I keep it in the freezer---------

The musician pushed the rock so it would go down the hill because he wanted some "rock and roll."

The buffalo dad dropped off his son at school and said, "Bi, Son".

What did the plate say to his friend?

Tonight, dinner is on me!

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An Investigator.

How do pickles celebrate their birthdays?

They relish them.

Why did the computer sneeze?

It had a virus.

When the computer was tired it went into sleep mode.

What are laptops favorite snack?

Computer chips.

When there is a sale on pantyhose, there is often a run on them.

Someone wanted to give me a guitar, banjo, and a ukulele, my choice.
Feeling a bit uneasy about the situation, I said "thank you" and declined.

I did not accept because I thought there were some strings attached.

Did you hear about the theatre ghost that that got booed of stage?

Quote from: davina61 on March 02, 2025, 09:29:21 AMDid you hear about the theatre ghost that that got booed of stage?

That must have been out of sight!

An out of this world experience!

Link to another topic posted by someone else for a silly SNL skit about "transgender bathroom rights." 
It is in the humor area and is a bit silly but you might find it to be okay if you remember it is "humor."


https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,199227.0.html

Do carburetors rev you up?







@Davina

For fans of olde jokes AND olde movies.  This one was popular in my high school more than half a decade ago.

Q: What do you call a man with a tree on his head?
A: Ed Wood.

Q: What do you call a man with two trees on his head?
A: Edward Wood.

Q: What do you call a man with three trees on his head?
A: Edward Woodward.

Quote from: MaryT on March 05, 2025, 07:35:22 AMFor fans of olde jokes AND olde movies.  This one was popular in my high school more than half a decade ago.

Q: What do you call a man with a tree on his head?
A: Ed Wood.

Q: What do you call a man with two trees on his head?
A: Edward Wood.

Q: What do you call a man with three trees on his head?
A: Edward Woodward.

In all cases, his head must have hurt.  Carrying a heavy load.  Lots of wood.

A pony walks into a bar and said very quietly can I have a brandy, sorry said the barman I cant hear what you said and the pony answered that because I am a little hoarse.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?


A pouch potato.

What do you call an angry carrot?

A steamed veggie.

What did one toilet say to another?


You look flushed.

What do sea monsters eat?


Fish and ships.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?


In case he got a hole-in-one.

What's the difference between the avian flu and the swine flu?

Bird flu requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

Why don't they play poker in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. 


She told me to stop going to those two places. 

Why did the computer fall ill?


It had a virus.

Why do some French people eat snails?


They don't like fast food.

Why don't the circus lions eat the clowns?


Because they taste funny!

I used to be a werewolf but I am alright nooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww
 I used to think I was a spanner, I got over it but it was a bit of a wrench
 I used to be a cannibal but folks disagreed with me
I used to be a sheep but I got baared

<groan>  <giggle>  <rolling eyes>

Here's one I saw yesterday evening:

What has a small laugh in its middle.

Quote from: D'Amalie on March 10, 2025, 07:36:43 AM<groan>  <giggle>  <rolling eyes>

Here's one I saw yesterday evening:

What has a small laugh in its middle.

Please tell us.

(Or have I missed the punchline?  It wouldn't be the first time.)

This one I remember from a book of jokes and stories allegedly told by the late British comic magician Tommy Cooper.

Patient: Doctor, doctor!  I can't say "f" and I can't say "th".

Doctor:  Well, you can't say fairer than that.

Something that occurred to me back in high school English class:

The letter "E" is the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet.

Without the letter "E", you can spell "anything" or "nothing".
But you can't spell "everything".  ;D

I have a new construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

Love always -- Jess

Three community leaders got together for a fishing trip.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish rabbi were fishing in a boat a short distance off-shore on a beautiful lake. The fish weren't biting, but the three enjoyed the camaraderie and some light conversation.

After a while, the priest cast his line, and the hook got snagged in some weeds near the shore. He put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat, walked across the top of the water, freed his hook, walked back across the water, got back in the boat, and resumed fishing.

No one said a word. The rabbi felt he was lucky to be friends with such a righteous man.

A short while later, the minister cast his line, and the hook got snagged on a rock near the shore. He set his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat, walked across the top of the water, freed the snag, returned to the boat, and resumed fishing.

Now, the rabbi was very impressed. He was in the presence of two very righteous men. But the more he thought about it, he knew it was just a matter of faith. After all, he too was a man of God, and his faith was strong. Perhaps he should show his friends how strong his faith is.

So the rabbi whips his line and gets his hook snagged on some tree branches at the shoreline. He set his pole down, stepped over the edge of the boat, and sank in the water over his head. He was splashing and floundering around. The minister and the priest reached over and grabbed him and pulled him back into the boat.

The rabbi sat there, soaking wet, his line still snagged in the tree. He was confused but knew in his heart that his faith would not fail him. He stood up, stepped over the side of the boat, and down he went again.

The priest and the minister quickly grabbed him and started pulling him into the boat. They got him halfway in, and the minister looked at the priest and said:

"Should we show him where the rocks are or just let him drown?"

What did the left eye say to the right eye?


Between you and me, something smells.

Quote from: MaryT on March 10, 2025, 12:46:13 PMPlease tell us.

(Or have I missed the punchline?  It wouldn't be the first time.)

W -HA- t

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 11, 2025, 03:46:07 PMWhat did the left eye say to the right eye?


Between you and me, something smells.

From MAD Magazine, ages ago:

Does your nose run and your feet smell?
uh-oh! You're built upside down!

Who will be next to post a silly joke?

One from school days, whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe. One has hydralics and the other has high b--------
I will leave that for you to work out!

Quote from: D'Amalie on March 10, 2025, 07:36:43 AM<groan>  <giggle>  <rolling eyes>

Here's one I saw yesterday evening:

What has a small laugh in its middle.

Quote from: MaryT on March 10, 2025, 12:46:13 PMPlease tell us.

(Or have I missed the punchline?  It wouldn't be the first time.)

Quote from: D'Amalie on March 11, 2025, 03:49:11 PMThinking: Do I really have to spell it out?  Okay, if you insist.

Writing : W -HA- t

 ;D I did, I missed the punchline  (again),
even though you gave us a clue by leaving out the question mark.

Quote from: davina61 on March 12, 2025, 04:58:34 AMOne from school days, whats the difference between a tractor and a giraffe. One has hydralics and the other has high b--------
I will leave that for you to work out!

That reminded me of one I thought up myself while watching a natural history programme many years ago, although I'm sure that every other viewer thought it up at the same time.

Q: How do giraffes have sex?

A: With difficulty.

Quote from: MaryT on March 13, 2025, 08:05:32 AMThat reminded me of one I thought up myself while watching a natural history programme many years ago, although I'm sure that every other viewer thought it up at the same time.

Q: How do giraffes have sex?

A: With difficulty.

They are good at "necking".  ;D

How do hedge hogs mate, very carefully. One I saw  on FB from Australia. What borders on madness? Canada and Mexico.

Rut-ro, Shaggy!

From the Beano website:

What does Scooby Doo say at the end of grace?

Ramen!

Do you know the difference between a post box and a horses backside?   
Not sending you to post my letters!!

Experienced nurse to new nurse: 

"I know this is your first time to give an immunization and you may be concerned. 
Just give it your best shot."

In another thread, there was a discussion about Worcestershire Sauce. Do you know how it got its name?

There was a local restaurant that was well-known locally for the best-tasting food around. The chef was a master at making complimentary sauces for a variety of dishes. The owner decided to invite a famous food critic to sample some of their local favorites.

The critic was quite pleased with one particular sauce and asked, "What's this here sauce?"

Of course, they couldn't call it that, so they changed the spelling a little.  ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 14, 2025, 09:46:53 AMIn another thread, there was a discussion about Worcestershire Sauce. Do you know how it got its name?

There was a local restaurant that was well-known locally for the best-tasting food around. The chef was a master at making complimentary sauces for a variety of dishes. The owner decided to invite a famous food critic to sample some of their local favorites.

The critic was quite pleased with one particular sauce and asked, "What's this here sauce?"

Of course, they couldn't call it that, so they changed the spelling a little.  ;D

It took me a while but I got it, I think.  Now chilli, that's the ,,,,

Quote from: MaryT on March 14, 2025, 04:11:31 PMIt took me a while but I got it, I think.  Now chilli, that's the ,,,,

I think the pronunciation is likely different across the pond.

"British and Americans are one people separated by a common language."  ;D

WE say worester as in wores  teer .
 And on local radio a comic said he enjoyed sprouts to much over Christmas but they made him fart but in our house we say trump. Wife said I cant stand the sound and smell so took the dog for a walk, there I was walking along trump, trump ,trump only the last ones wasnt a trump. Yes I did a Donald in my pants.

If a cat would throw out new trash from her car, would that be kitty litter?

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One of the hats said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

More edifying pomes
From Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes:

          WASTE
I had written to Aunt Maud,
Who was on a trip abroad,
When I heard she'd died of cramp,
Just too late to save the stamp.

          FATHER
During dinner at the Ritz,
Father kept on having fits,
And, which made my sorrow greater,
I was left to tip the waiter.

Quote from: MaryT on March 05, 2025, 07:35:22 AMFor fans of olde jokes AND olde movies.  This one was popular in my high school more than half a decade ago.

Q: What do you call a man with a tree on his head?
A: Ed Wood.

Q: What do you call a man with two trees on his head?
A: Edward Wood.

Q: What do you call a man with three trees on his head?
A: Edward Woodward.

Wishful thinking and self-delusion.  It was actually popular in my high school more than half a CENTURY ago.

Patient:  I hurt my arm two different ways this weekend.

Doctor:   Then do not hurt your arm in those ways!


Quite a bad joke.

80% of the time when a doctor checks you for a hernia, they give you one.

Going to the proctologist can be pain in the rear.

Love always -- Jess

The wedding was really beautiful.

Even the cake was in tiers.

Two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was amazing.

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Wow, I've never seen a weasel in here before. What can I get you?"


"Pop," goes the weasel.

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.


I don't know how I feel about that.

Why did the invisible woman turn down her job offer?


She couldn't see herself doing the work.

Would a good name for a male mountain climber be Cliff?

Proper punctuation makes the difference between a sentence that is well-written and one that is, well, written.

Quantum physics gives me a hadron.  ;D

Why do bears have rough skin. Its due to their big pores.

A computer virus can byte your computer.

This guy walked into a bar.

On his next visit to the pub, he ducked.

The trial daughter named her first daughter Sue.

Why did the manager bring a ladder to work?


To reach new heights in her career!

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

A mechanic said that she has an addiction to brake fluid, but she could stop whenever she wanted to.

She just bought a belt the other day. She did not like it so it was a waist of money.

If you take $3 out of an ATM that has a $3.50 transaction fee, do you owe the machine money?

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

He's a pain in the neck.

A. What word starts with E, ends with E, but has only one letter in it?



A: Envelope.

How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator.

Why did the baker have so many children, cos he always had a bun in the oven.

Two people were caught stealing a calendar.

Each of them got six months.

I see the Easter bunny has been, lots of brown mini eggs on the lawn--------------

Why do you call an expert female fisherman?




Annette.

The first Fresh fry was NOT made in France.

It was made in grease.


Or was it beef tallow?


No, grease.

How do Welshmen find sheep in long grass.. Very nice

Trying to write with a broken ended wooden pencil is pointless.

A man tried to set his computer's password to "Penis."

The computer rejected the password because "it was not long enough."

Sign on back of a dump truck:


A great start to you day begins with an excellent dump.

An in case of fire sign said to leave the building before tweeting about it when there is a fire.

He ran into the bar.

Next time he ducked.

Someone said that if you borrow, try to get a loan from a pessimist as he would not be expecting to be paid back.


I say not to borrow if at all possible.

The guillotine operator was fired.  He did get severance pay.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on May 28, 2025, 09:51:20 AMThe guillotine operator was fired.  He did get severance pay.

He was the department head.

The witch and warlock each said they were not binary, they were hex.

We all stayed a spell and talked and ate Scottish Eggs and Bangers and Mash.

A flea and a fly in a flue
Were trapped, so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Quote from: Lori Dee on May 28, 2025, 01:09:55 PMA flea and a fly in a flue
Were trapped, so what could they do?
Said the flea, "Let us fly!"
Said the fly, "Let us flee!"
And they flew through a flaw in the flue.

Flawless.

If a clock is still hungry, it goes back for seconds.

The male radio was wanting to go out with the female radio.

He was hoping that she would be receptive.

The attorney named his daughter Sue.

NASA's space budget is astronomical!




@KathyLauren

Why do ghosts love elevators?


Because it lifts their spirits.

They tried to organize a professional "Hide-and-Seek" tournament; but, it was a total failure.



Good players are hard to find.

Why are some social media influencers afraid when they go into the woods alone at night?



Because they constantly are being followed.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey; but, then I turned myself around.

The mom's daughter thinks mom does not give her enough privacy.


At least that's what mom said the daughter wrote in her daughter's diary.

He went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but he couldn't find any.

He did not see a single one.

Why did the coffee file a police report?


It got mugged.

Quote from: Jessica_K on March 29, 2024, 12:39:27 PMFarmer Giles, an expert in his field

I heard he was outstanding in his field?

Quote from: SoupSarah on June 09, 2025, 06:31:42 PMI heard he was outstanding in his field?

He received an award because of that.

It is a fact:  The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Where do you take someone who's been in a peek-a-boo accident?

The ICU.

My daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill. Looks like she's preparing some kind of barbie queue.

Cheese that is not yours is called nacho cheese.

How do you catch a bra?



With a booby trap.

Eggs do not tell bad jokes to each other because they fear being cracked up.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on June 10, 2025, 07:44:04 AMEggs do not tell bad jokes to each other because they fear being cracked up.

And afterward, their friends would point out that the "yolks" were on them.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 10, 2025, 11:11:14 AMAnd afterward, their friends would point out that the "yolks" were on them.

Yes, and potentially, eggs on their faces.

Dad:  I have cut down 26,375 trees during my life.

Son:  How do you know that Dad?

Dad:  I kept a log.

Son:  Dad, can you explain to me what is a solar eclipse?


Dad:  No sun.

Sex Education is where you learn reeling, writhing, and rhythmic tricks.  ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 21, 2025, 10:34:07 AMSex Education is where you learn reeling, writhing, and rhythmic tricks.  ;D

That class must have not been on the academic diploma track so I bypassed it.

Daughter:  Dad, did you eat my leftovers in the refrigerator?


Dad:  No.  I ate them while sitting on the sofa.