Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have decided to start a blog. I haven't journaled in a while, so maybe this is a good place to put my thoughts to words.

I love quotes and there is one taped to the wall near my computer. I look at it everyday. I do not know the author. (note: author added to quote) On my path of healing and learning to accept myself this quote means a lot to me. I hope you like it.

"PEOPLE WILL LOVE YOU.
PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU.
AND NONE OF IT
WILL HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH YOU."
By Abraham Hicks

I'm glad you are starting a blog, Kay.

My original one (lost along with all the other posts over the past 4+ years) really helped me during my transition.  I'm not sure where you are on your journey, but regardless of the place you are or where you believe you are heading, it is nice to let your thoughts out.

~Sara

That quote comes from a motivational speaker. I'm 95% sure his name is Abraham Hicks. But don't quote me.  But I am certain it's someone who does motivational speaking / has written books and such. Have no idea why I have that knowledge. LOL

Good luck with the blog!!

Love,
Allie

Quote from: imallie on January 25, 2024, 04:52:27 PMThat quote comes from a motivational speaker. I'm 95% sure his name is Abraham Hicks. But don't quote me.  But I am certain it's someone who does motivational speaking / has written books and such. Have no idea why I have that knowledge. LOL

Good luck with the blog!!

Love,
Allie


OK, I googled it and it is Abraham Hicks. Thank you Allie!

Kay, if you could be so kind as to credit the author in the post where you used their quote, that would be great. Plus it will keep you and the site out of any legal entanglements. You may want to take a look at this: https://problogger.com/how-to-use-quotes/

 Thanks!

Hugs, Devlyn

I'm confused.  What am I missing?

In the inital post, Kay did use quotes and attributed the author by name.  In what way did she discredit the originator?  I only see that there was no link.  Frankly I'd generally not link unless I intended the reader to follow it for a good read.

Quote from: D'Amalie on January 26, 2024, 11:47:00 AMI'm confused.  What am I missing?

In the inital post, Kay did use quotes and attributed the author by name.  In what way did she discredit the originator?  I only see that there was no link.  Frankly I'd generally not link unless I intended the reader to follow it for a good read.

What you're missing is this:

Last Edit: Today at 11:24:31 AM by Kay226 - Remove this sign

Kay gave my post a Like and a Thanks, then went and edited the original post.

Frankly, it's a bit insulting that you think I'd ask someone to credit an owner of intellectual property if they already had done so. I do know how to do my job, thank you.

Gosh!  Sorry to see you take it that way.  I prefaced with a genuine "What am I missing."  Never said you weren't doing your job. i'm simply trying to learn forum etiquette, thought I was missing somehting obvious.

We the common blogger just checking through posts we've not seen before wouldn't know to analyse the edit, like and thanks to determine see what was editied after the fact, right?  I know I didn't, since I only saw the corrected version on first read.  I was genuinely confused.  "Last edit" is fine print, and rarely pertinent to the discussion anyhow.


We all appreciate your assistance here, Devlyn.  The site wouldn't be a success if you weren't generously helping.

Quote from: Devlyn on January 26, 2024, 12:08:35 PMWhat you're missing is this:

Last Edit: Today at 11:24:31 AM by Kay226 - Remove this sign

Kay gave my post a Like and a Thanks, then went and edited the original post.

Frankly, it's a bit insulting that you think I'd ask someone to credit an owner of intellectual property if they already had done so. I do know how to do my job, thank you.

I wanted to share another quote. BTW, I love quotes that resonate with my life's path. I post quotes on my wall near my computer and read them often. They make me reflect on my life, about my past and where I am going.

"The path of awakening is not about becoming who you are. Rather it is about unbecoming who we are not"
By Albert Schweitzer

I woke this morning and while drinking my coffee, I read a couple articles on Substack. I read a couple articles about gender and reflected on my own life. I was born in the 60's and in my house, I tried to live up to everyone else's expectations. That left me with guilt (for not being perfect), shame (for being different and sensitive) and caused me to become hyper fixated with other's emotions. All the while stuffing my thoughts and needs way down into the basement of my brain.

In my night time dreams and my meditations, opening doors and walking through them is very strong metaphoric symbol. So after my coffee, I am sipping my daily matcha tea with a strong feeling that more doors will be opening in my life, and me walking through them. I cannot predict what it on the other side of those doors. But I know in my heart they will be there. I pray that I will be strong enough to take those steps.

☮️ Kay

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I am so very happy to see that you have started your own Blog thread here on the Forum.

You can consider your Blog here as your shared personal journal that you can use to
write down your thoughts and comments as you navigate your journey and life endeavors.

I have some older Blog threads here from several years ago that I still go back to
read what I had shared...  great memories of my trials and tribulations as I documented
my own journey. 

I also keep a personal "old school" pen & paper journey for my eyes only... complete with
colorful doodling and snapshot pictures. 
On a cold and rainy night I can be found in my comfy chair in front of my warm fireplace
reading over some of my past writings... sometimes with tears in my eyes and sometimes
with a smile on my face.

As you feel free to share your story you can find comfort in knowing that when you
share your heartache, trials, difficulties and Unpleasant experiences that test your
resilience and strength... that you have like-minded members and friends here that will
be at your side to offer their shoulder for you to lean on.
On the other hand, when you share your successes, accomplishments,and happy moments we will
rejoice with you and help you to celebrate those good times in your life.

I look forward to following in your "Kay's Path" Blog thread and I also am
eagerly looking for your future postings around the various threads on the Forum.

My warmest HUGS ... and happy Blogging and Journaling
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  :icon_flower:  :)

@Kay226 (https://www.susans.org/index.php?action=profile;u=68832)
Dear Kay:

I like that you were able to post your new Avatar Profile picture.
It is nice putting a face to our members here.

HUGS,
Danielle

I woke early again.Last night I listened to 2 podcasts altho not to the end, just about halfway through. One was on the emotion of shame and the other was a talk by Dr. Gabor Mate on his last book "The Myth of Normal." I only listened halfway through these because i was tired, not because they were not good. I recommend both of them if anyone is interested, I can post or send them links.

The podcast on shame was an interview of David Sauvage. His message is that shame starts if you grew up in an environment of conditional love. Shame controls so much of our lives. And shame is a difficult emotion. It likes to hide and society has taught us to feel shame for having shame making it more difficult to heal it. I think somewhere in the podcast there was the message that most of the people in the world carry shame. I know that I do. I do not want my decisions of where my life goes controlled by an old emotion that formed when I was a small child. This is why I am on my path.

The second podcast was a talk by Dr. Gabor Mate. If you have never heard of him, and are interested in healing, I highly recommend watching a few of his Youtube videos. He also has books and a movie called "The Wisdom of Trauma." His message was about his latest book "The Myth of Normal." The message is similar to the podcast interview of David Sauvage. That most of us grew up with some kind of trauma that affects us now. That in society, there is no normal. We are all carrying wounds and emotional baggage to some degree.

I know that I am repeating myself a little from other posts that I made. My mother during her meltdowns used to scream at me that she "should have drowned me in the toilet when I was a baby." As a child, I thought it was my fault, that I was defective and worthless. Even as a child, I did have thoughts that it didn't have to be like this. There was a better way to live. This may have saved me and put me on the path of healing. I know that I will get there and a new door will open for me to walk through.

The story above is very sad. I now understand that my mother needed therapy, meds and support from her family. She felt worthless inside and projected it on me. I am not excusing her actions. But if she was alive today, I would try to help her heal her life. She was heartbroken from her childhood and my father worked a lot and was basically absent. My brothers were chauvinistic. I was little and took all this in. My mother needed a hug and to be told that she was lovable and worthy. I was too small to realize this. She died too soon for me to help.

I am getting ready to go on a long business trip. I hope to be able to log on to this site during my extended stay. I am bringing my tablet and bought a keyboard to go along with it. I hope to give it a test run today. I have a new book and printed articles to read on my flight and in my room after work.

☮️ Kay

Kay, I agree that most (all?) of us have some type of trauma in out past. Some of us bury it so deeply that we treat it as 'forgotten'. Unfortunately, it will never truly be forgotten. It will live on, deep in our minds, somehow affecting us for the rest of our lives.

I know something happened to me when I was very young, maybe 6 - 7 years old. It was related to our neighbor's son, who was 15 - 16 at the time. All I remember is that he threatened me with something very graphic and violent. For months afterward, I would go to bed thinking about sleeping in a cocoon made of the hardest things I could think of. Maybe that's why I always carry a knife, and own dozens of firearms.

My dad has told me a story about a brother who passed away very young after catching pneumonia. His mom blamed my dad for his brother's death, and told him so on many occasions. I could tell it was still causing him pain.

I hope your business trip goes well.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Kay, so sorry you should have had to endure that growing up. I grew up in a similar environment where the paddle or belt was thought to be a cure all. Its so hard to let those old feelings and memories go. I like that you have been able to realize that your mother was the one who had the problems. Helps the healing.
Hugs Gina

I understand that your avatar is a filter, as is mine.  That said, you look beautiful in it, and in my experience a lot of the actual person comes through the filter, so your features are probably very similar, if a bit less feminine.  Anyway, it is a really nice avatar.

I grew up much the same (also during the 60's-70's.  My mom never said she wished she had killed me, but she often said that people I knew to be like myself (TG people) should kill themself.  So, the message came through loud and clear.  This was mainly in the mid to late 70's when daytime TV started bringing TG people into everyone's home.

But, my mom's mom caught me wearing one of her dresses and told me when I was 5 that I was a pervert and therefore going to Hell, so... I was pretty young when the message was delivered loud and clear. 

I didn't want to go to Hell.  I tried to change, but wasn't successful.  So, I started hating myself.  It took decades for me to stop beating myself up.  I am better now, but still scarred by the many self inflicted traumas and family inflicted shame. 

I just read some of my replies, my heart is touched. I am leaving for a business trip in a few hours. I will be gone for a long while. Hope to check in here if time permits.

I read a quote this morning. I think these quotes appear when my life needs that message:

"When it feels scary, it's a hidden opportunity for growth" by Tim Denning

Honestly, I fail this quote miserably everyday. This is something that I want to think about for the next few days, weeks.

Kay

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 28, 2024, 12:38:23 PMI understand that your avatar is a filter, as is mine.  That said, you look beautiful in it, and in my experience a lot of the actual person comes through the filter, so your features are probably very similar, if a bit less feminine.  Anyway, it is a really nice avatar.

Both of you are lovely!

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 28, 2024, 12:38:23 PMI didn't want to go to Hell.  I tried to change, but wasn't successful.  So, I started hating myself.  It took decades for me to stop beating myself up.  I am better now, but still scarred by the many self inflicted traumas and family inflicted shame. 

I feel ike I went back and forth, to Hell and Back over those 14 years with the "wicked witch" stepmother.  At least my father said, "I'm sorry" well after the fact though.  To my question long after I left home, "Why did you stay, Dad?"   "I promised," he replied softly.

Quote from: Gina P on January 28, 2024, 08:18:09 AMKay, so sorry you should have had to endure that growing up. I grew up in a similar environment where the paddle or belt was thought to be a cure all. Its so hard to let those old feelings and memories go. I like that you have been able to realize that your mother was the one who had the problems. Helps the healing.
Hugs Gina

I heard my voice in your words!  Healing continues.

Quote from: Kay226 on January 28, 2024, 05:31:00 AMI now understand that my mother needed therapy, meds and support from her family. She felt worthless inside and projected it on me. I am not excusing her actions.
☮️ Kay

This realization is how I made it past the suicide, in similar circumstances later in life.  Her oldest son raped me at 8 years old. Never forgiven.  God knows how my parents never knew.  I felt If I told them, I would be blamed and punished, punished, punished.  14 years of my childhood was to Hell and Back daily.  Never knowing hour to hour moment to moment, if things were going to go bad in the next instant.  School was only safe if I stayed away from most others, living in the libraries and the stacks.

That's awful.  I don't have any recollection of being sexually abused.  I do wonder whether I was by a particular person in a particular place.  I had the same nightmare for years.  It wasn't sexual, but it was terror, and involved that person (an adult male) and his house. 

I hated going over there.  He was a creepy man.  We lived in the country, and his kids were my and my sister's only playmates.  His daughter was my best friend.  But, every night I had night terrors about that man and his house.  I think that suggests that something happened.  I would have been about 3 years old. 

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.  Hugs, hugs, hugs.  They really do help.  Doesn't remove what happened but is cathartic in the "now".  Recurring dreams can be disruptive.  I know.

I am not accusing the man.  I don't remember anything happening.  I only remember the nightmares.  Or more properly, the exact same nightmare every night for years.  I think that is a sign of trauma.  I can't remember the trauma, just to dream it inspired. 

Obviously, I remember every detail of the dream (nearly 60 years later).  I sure wish I knew what upset me. 

I like your picture Kay.  Have a good trip.

Chrissy

Quote from: D'Amalie on January 30, 2024, 03:56:25 PMThis realization is how I made it past the suicide, in similar circumstances later in life.  Her oldest son raped me at 8 years old. Never forgiven.  God knows how my parents never knew.  I felt If I told them, I would be blamed and punished, punished, punished.  14 years of my childhood was to Hell and Back daily.  Never knowing hour to hour moment to moment, if things were going to go bad in the next instant.  School was only safe if I stayed away from most others, living in the libraries and the stacks.

I hope that you can find healing peace.  So many of us carry terrible pain. When people talk to me or i read their stories, my heart breaks into tiny pieces. I wish that I could give magical hugs to remove people's pain and let them live a wonderful life and see the beauty in themselves.

Iam on my extended business trip and completed my first week. I will be away from home for a while, there is a loose return date but that could change. I am living out of my hotel room and typing on a small keyboard attached to my tablet. And the hotel internet runs so slow. At least the coffee is good here.

One of my co-workers here, a woman, is a person who I could feel her emotional pain that she is carrying. She opened up to me and told me what was going on in her life. I really feel for her.

Today I plan to do laundry and find some stores. I can't believe that I forgot earrings and need to pick some up.

I will try checking in on this site and hopefully read and post more. I need to do that, the loneliness away from family is going to be hard.

Good Morning Kay,

I can sympathize with the travel and loneliness from being away from home.  I hope at least your travels will take you to some interesting places.  My travels used to take me to fun cities such as DC, SFO, or Atlanta.  Now it seems I get sent to glamorous locations like Twin Falls ID or Norman OK.  Not sure who I made mad.. 

I'm sure your co-worker felt a sense of relief in being able to open up.  Such a loving act of kindness to be available for someone like that.  Never easy but so very sweet of you to offer your shoulder.


Warmly,

Brooke

Between laundry loads I found a Youtube video that I liked. Title "Unlock the Power to Transform your Destiny" with Marisa Peer and Shaman Durek. I can't figure out how to post the link with my little tablet, sorry. LOL

They start out talking about how to embrace kindness instead of being right. That so resonated with me! The world so needs that meesage like right now!!

I wouldn't do this for just anyone (they would at least need to be a member of Susan's Place)...

"Unlock the Power to Transform your Destiny" with Marisa Peer and Shaman Durek

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P-Fu1wQRzA

So I am at a week at my business extended assignment. My anxiety is a bit of a mess today. I didn't want to give out too much info, but where I am at rain - flooding are a problem. So far, so good. Still a little worrisome. A coworker who lives a few minutes from work, showed me a picture on their phone of a local house sitting in about 4 feet of water! Several small things have gone wrong at home. Nothing serious, but enough to cause some emotional stress and here I am 1,000 miles away from home. I am wearing men's clothes to work and everyone calls me sir. Ugh! I hang my jacket in a locker of a previous employee. The name on the locker is 'Raquel.' It makes me smile every morning. 

I noticed that my anxiety is like domino's. One or two start them all falling over. Since joining and reading about others on this site, I think today with my anxiety, my imposter syndrome raised its ugly head. For a little transparency, I have a serious health condition that for now will prevent me from taking HRT or any surgeries. I know hormones and surgery do not define who we are, but I am feeling a little "less than" right now. I know that I will bounce back, but it is painful when knee deep in this negativity.

Plans tonight are a salad for dinner, relax, meditate and journal. Hopefully a good nights rest!

Quote from: Kay226 on February 03, 2024, 08:06:52 AMOne of my co-workers here, a woman, is a person who I could feel her emotional pain that she is carrying. She opened up to me and told me what was going on in her life. I really feel for her.

I'd have friends and a co-worker open up to me in private about issues in their lives.
The friends usually did that while driving me around someplace.  Harder to get more privacy than that!

I'm not on HRT either.  Two commonly reported effects are a loss of height and strength.  I really don't want to lose either!
My heath is really good right now but I don't want to upset the balance by going on HRT unless I absolutely have to.

Marion

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I am saddened to read that you are having an "anxiety mess" today as you
are far from home during you extended business assignment.

Regarding the heavy rains and flooding conditions, this February is very stormy
all around the country, rain and floods, and even worse in various locations. 
Do your best to stay dry and warm... and safe.
    Note: Right now for me where I live it is minus -27 degrees(f) and snow on the ground.

I am sorry to read of things going wrong at your home while you are 1,000 miles
away on a business trip.  Try to do what you can to handle the issues from far away.

I know that as one is in the middle of transitioning that being in a situation
where you, for various important reasons, must appear as "dead name" and wear the
clothing of "dead name" ... that is a difficult pill to swallow, but you gotta
do what you gotta do, particularly in your employment scenario.  The bight spot is
that you are using Raquel's locker, and yes, it can be a good reason for you to smile !!!

I am saddened to read of your health condition that, for now, will interfere with
your ability to have HRT or future surgeries...  I trust that it will be a temporary
setback and that you and your doctor can get things back on track.

Regarding your comment regarding you being knee deep in negativity... please set
your mind on positive thoughts...  go to my very first posting on the
following Blog thread and read many of the encouraging postings regarding: 
                    Positive Mindset... put away negativity
  https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,238255.msg2143336.html#msg2143336 
                         
Hopefully your reported plans for tonight.... dinner, relax, meditate and journal,
and a good night's sleep happened for you.  Wake up refreshed in the morning
ready to attack the new day with a positive outlook on life and your situation.
I wish for you, success and happiness.

I will be eagerly looking for your updates as I continue to follow your journey.
Many HUGS,
Danielle  [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Kay226 on February 05, 2024, 06:34:19 PMSo I am at a week at my business extended assignment. My anxiety is a bit of a mess today. I didn't want to give out too much info, but where I am at rain - flooding are a problem. So far, so good. Still a little worrisome. A coworker who lives a few minutes from work, showed me a picture on their phone of a local house sitting in about 4 feet of water! Several small things have gone wrong at home. Nothing serious, but enough to cause some emotional stress and here I am 1,000 miles away from home. I am wearing men's clothes to work and everyone calls me sir. Ugh! I hang my jacket in a locker of a previous employee. The name on the locker is 'Raquel.' It makes me smile every morning. 

I noticed that my anxiety is like domino's. One or two start them all falling over. Since joining and reading about others on this site, I think today with my anxiety, my imposter syndrome raised its ugly head. For a little transparency, I have a serious health condition that for now will prevent me from taking HRT or any surgeries. I know hormones and surgery do not define who we are, but I am feeling a little "less than" right now. I know that I will bounce back, but it is painful when knee deep in this negativity.

Plans tonight are a salad for dinner, relax, meditate and journal. Hopefully a good nights rest!

I have not posted here in a while, and thought that I would give it another whirl. So much going on, I re-started therapy. I have my daily "go to" for help like walks and listening to my guided meditations. They all keep me going but are like band aids. Last time that I posted I was sent to our west coast office for a month. Near the end of that trip, all I could think of is wanting to go home. I wanted to be with my wife,see my dog and sleep in my own bed. I didn't think that it was fair of them to send someone over 1,000 miles away for a month, but I did it anyway.I thought it would save my job, but in the end it didn't. Recently we were told that our office is closing this fall. I am not sure what I will do.

I do struggle with some things and I am sure they contribute to me falling away from websites that I belong to. For as much as I would like to transition, I cannot right now. I cannot take HRT or have any surgeries because of health issues. Work, some family and friends would be lost if I transitioned. I am not ready for that now. Maybe I will be ok with it someday. My hair is long, ears are pierced and I have had my eyebrows waxed & tinted recently. I have gone out wearing women's clothes and light makeup. I wish that I could do that 24/7. Since I can't dress like that all the time, I get feelings of being an impostor. I look at people who have transitioned with great admiration.

Welcome back, Kay.

Sorry to hear of the issues you are facing. Try to keep a positive attitude. You know you can always come here for support. Reach out any time, even if you just need to vent.

Hang tough, Sister.
You got this.

Hugs!

To expand on what I wrote yesterday. Things going on can become overwhelming and frustrating. As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude for all the goodness in my life. I have a habit of comparing myself to others. I can see a transgender woman who is a model and half my age and go down a bad rabbit hole of why can't I look like that or why didn't start a transition long ago. The answers to that are: I didn't start a transition like that long ago because many years ago as I was raising a family and at my age trying to look like a model ain't gonna happen. Both of these are old remnants of childhood feelings. I grew up as a pleaser worried about everyone else's feelings and putting my needs last and carried feelings of not being good enough, that I have to be perfect for anything to matter. I need to embrace myself, flaws and all.

Today is going to be a self-care day for me. We have to get groceries this morning, and it is supposed to rain all afternoon. Finally some "me" time.

Quote from: Kay226 on June 01, 2024, 05:56:59 AMTo expand on what I wrote yesterday. Things going on can become overwhelming and frustrating. As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude for all the goodness in my life. I have a habit of comparing myself to others. I can see a transgender woman who is a model and half my age and go down a bad rabbit hole of why can't I look like that or why didn't start a transition long ago. The answers to that are: I didn't start a transition like that long ago because many years ago as I was raising a family and at my age trying to look like a model ain't gonna happen. Both of these are old remnants of childhood feelings. I grew up as a pleaser worried about everyone else's feelings and putting my needs last and carried feelings of not being good enough, that I have to be perfect for anything to matter. I need to embrace myself, flaws and all.

Today is going to be a self-care day for me. We have to get groceries this morning, and it is supposed to rain all afternoon. Finally some "me" time.

Content is a state of mind worth pursuing.

Do get some self care in today.  It can do wonders.

Chrissy

Quote from: Kay226 on May 31, 2024, 06:42:43 PMI have not posted here in a while, and thought that I would give it another whirl. So much going on, I re-started therapy. I have my daily "go to" for help like walks and listening to my guided meditations. They all keep me going but are like band aids. Last time that I posted I was sent to our west coast office for a month. Near the end of that trip, all I could think of is wanting to go home. I wanted to be with my wife,see my dog and sleep in my own bed. I didn't think that it was fair of them to send someone over 1,000 miles away for a month, but I did it anyway.I thought it would save my job, but in the end it didn't. Recently we were told that our office is closing this fall. I am not sure what I will do.

I do struggle with some things and I am sure they contribute to me falling away from websites that I belong to. For as much as I would like to transition, I cannot right now. I cannot take HRT or have any surgeries because of health issues. Work, some family and friends would be lost if I transitioned. I am not ready for that now. Maybe I will be ok with it someday. My hair is long, ears are pierced and I have had my eyebrows waxed & tinted recently. I have gone out wearing women's clothes and light makeup. I wish that I could do that 24/7. Since I can't dress like that all the time, I get feelings of being an impostor. I look at people who have transitioned with great admiration.

I can appreciate your feelings Kay.

I too have sometimes when it is not wise for me to be out as myself, which means I can still pass as a man.  Things may differ if I was male fail about all the time in male clothing.  Nevertheless, it is uneasy for me to be out as male as that is not me.  Fortunately I can work as myself.

Try to make each day a good one.  I am sorry you are losing your job, that is a tough situation.
Try to keep. Positive mindset. 

Chrissy

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I am so very glad to see that you are updating and posting on your Blog thread. 

Your Blog thread is your HOME here on the Forum where all of your friends, readers, and
followers can find you and keep up with your life endeavors.

In my opinion what you stated is exactly correct...
                "I need to embrace myself, flaws and all."

If I may, I would like to add my thought for you:
    "How can you expect others to accept you if you do not accept yourself?"

When you report successes and good news, we will all rejoice with you....
          and
when you report failures and not-so-good news, we will lend your our shoulders
for you to lean on, and our ears to listen...

Each of us are our own biggest critics... it is important to not be consumed with
any kind of self-criticism or criticism and non-acceptance from others.

    "You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get
      caught up in either one." – John Wooden (American head coach at UCLA)

Continue on with your positive mindset that you stated regarding dealing with your problems:
        "As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to
        minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude
        for all the goodness in my life."

Negative thoughts usually produce negative results...
... conversely, positive thoughts can produce positive results.

Check out this helpful Topic that I had posted back in 2018:
                  Positive Mindset... put away negativity
click link -->    https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,238255.msg2143336.html#msg2143336   

Along with your other followers I will be eagerly looking for and reading your
future updates on your Blog thread and your postings around the Forum.

HUGS, and my best wishes to you as you continue on.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl] 
           

Quote from: Kay226 on June 01, 2024, 05:56:59 AMTo expand on what I wrote yesterday. Things going on can become overwhelming and frustrating. As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude for all the goodness in my life. I have a habit of comparing myself to others. I can see a transgender woman who is a model and half my age and go down a bad rabbit hole of why can't I look like that or why didn't start a transition long ago. The answers to that are: I didn't start a transition like that long ago because many years ago as I was raising a family and at my age trying to look like a model ain't gonna happen. Both of these are old remnants of childhood feelings. I grew up as a pleaser worried about everyone else's feelings and putting my needs last and carried feelings of not being good enough, that I have to be perfect for anything to matter. I need to embrace myself, flaws and all.

Today is going to be a self-care day for me. We have to get groceries this morning, and it is supposed to rain all afternoon. Finally some "me" time.

I am extremely thankful for the support here!!! Thank you and hugs!!!
Early start today. I listened to a guided meditation on self love. It is one of my favorites then I wrote in my journal. We are meeting friends for breakfast. After that we are headed to a local flea market. Yesterday it rained all day, it is supposed to be partly sunny today! At flea markets I look for old vintage pocket knives. It's my thing. Hope that everyone has a beautiful day!

Collecting old pocket knives sounds interesting. I have few of the swiss army knives and always found them fascinating. Meditation can be a great tool as long as you don't meditate on your problems. :eusa_naughty: It's great when you can clear your mind. I haven't been to a flee market in some time, I always come home with more stuff! Hugs Gina

We had a nice breakfast and walked around the whole flea market yesterday. I did not buy anything, but I enjoyed being outside in the sunshine and watching other people walk around and shop. It was back to work today. With our office closing, morale is really toxic. I try my best to stay positive and be supportive to others. I am not looking for another job as others are. Many have young families to provide for. Staying will give me their exit package which is fairly generous and being close to retirement, I may coast along until then. I have a grown child who is about to go silent on me over a misunderstanding that I had nothing to do with. They are also anti LGBTQ+, altho I am not out, my long hair may be upsetting them. If they go silent, I will grow though it. I hope that it isn't contagious where my other kids join in. I have treated them all very well. And I cannot control others. Their path, their choice. But it does make me sad. I did not raise them to act like this.

I have been thinking about my life. Kinda deep dive thinking. What is the next chapter in my life going to look like? My gender feelings run very deep in me. I was a DES baby. My parents have been gone for decades so I can't prove it 100%, but I recently was told that my mother had a miscarriage before me. I know my mother and in the early 1960's she would have taken something the doctor gave to her. I am pretty sure she took DES during her pregnancy with me. I remember at a very young age wanting to be a girl. All those feelings were hidden as I went into survival mode, for many decades. Resources like having a trusting person to talk with did not exist back then. I made decisions for my life path to make everyone else happy. Now I feel like I don't even know who I am and what my needs are. I am currently discussing these issues with my wonderful therapist!

I am off to work soon and I wish everyone a beautiful day!

You can and can't control what other people are thinking.
You can if you talk about it!  Talking about LGBTQ allows you to give you side of the story!
I think it becomes different when you know folks who are out.
And becomes even more different when you work with them every day!

It is good you have a therapist to talk to.

Quote from: Kay226 on June 03, 2024, 04:18:01 PMI have a grown child who is about to go silent on me over a misunderstanding that I had nothing to do with. They are also anti LGBTQ+, altho I am not out, my long hair may be upsetting them. If they go silent, I will grow though it. I hope that it isn't contagious where my other kids join in. I have treated them all very well. And I cannot control others. Their path, their choice. But it does make me sad. I did not raise them to act like this.

As you said, you cannot control others. It's sad when people can't open their hearts to see the beauty within others. They often base their opinions on rumors and innuendo, instead of their own first-hand experience.  I know it isn't easy, but confronting them could just drive them further away. Just continue being yourself, and hopefully they will eventually see the truth.

If you ever need to vent, or share your feelings with others who will understand, Susan's Place is open 24/7.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

I think there is true beauty in transgender people. They can be truly in touch with their authentic selves. Many in society are living in the matrix and living in societal expectations. They don't know their true self and have lost their dreams I am not completely out, but I am feeling euphoric today. I have many frustrations in life, but at least for today, I am trying not to focus on them. I usually see my therapist on Thursdays, but she had a family emergency and canceled. Tonight I hope to get out for a walk, journal and maybe call my daughter.

I hope everyone is doing well today!

This morning we went to the cemetery where my parents are. We got an early start,it is a couple hour ride to the town that I grew up in. We did the usual trimming of grass around the headstone and then planted some flowers on either side. Then left a small flag as my father was a WWII veteran. We had an extra potted flower. I noticed a grave site kitty corner to my parents that was unkept. I read the headstone and he was a WWI veteran. Obviously no one had visited this site in a long time so we trimmed the grass and cleaned it up a bit. Then planted our extra plant next to his headstone. He will now be our adopted relative and we will care for his site when we visit the cemetery.

When we got home, I had my wife trim the little fuzzy hairs on the back of my neck. Since I no longer visit the barber, they don't get trimmed off. Every few months I visit my hair stylist and also get my eyebrows waxed. I will be setting up an appointment for next month. Quiet afternoon here. thinking of a nap or meditation.

I love the adopting a veteran idea!

I attended therapy this week. My therapist uses IFS which I find very fascinating and healing. We had a very good session. I have been carrying some bad stuff for way too long. And as I probably mentioned before, my work is closing our office this fall. Things have become very toxic there and need to be talked thru. I am truly tired of being just another corporate number. I am staying until the end to get the exit package. In the meantime, I will have to wear my emotional armor there.

Today, I am going to my son's house for a grill out. My son doesn't know that I am trans, although sometimes it seems obvious. He votes in a way that I don't agree with. The upside is that I get to see and play with my grandchildren. Tomorrow it is off to my daughter's house. She is more accepting of me. She gave me a gift card to a makeup store for my birthday!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!
 

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I hope and trust that you continue to have success with your IFS and with your therapist. 

Your situation with your employer is on my mind...  when the office is finally closed, does
that mean that you are out of a job or will you be transferred to another office? ... or will
you branch out and look for new employment?

Wishing you success and happiness as you continue on in your journey.
Many HUGS... and more HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Hi Danielle,

I am out of a job when our office closes. I am one year from retiring. This is opening a new chapter in my life that is yet to be defined. I am considering several options.

I'm sorry to hear that you will be out of a job so close to retirement. But I also appreciate the value of a new start. Good luck!

Being only a year out from retirement adds another level of complexity to the situation.  I don't know if I could find another job with as close as I'm to retirement too.  Employers want to think you're going to be around long enough to recover the onboarding and training cost.

I hope you find an option that works out well for you.

Warm Regards,

Paulie.

I finished work a year early but that was due to being assaulted at work by a manager that lost the plot. Unable to do my job due to damaged wrist I got paid disability till I retired.

I had a wonderful time at my son's house yesterday. My son cooked out and I got to play with the grand kids. Weather was very warm and sunny. Today will be low key with my daughter and her spouse. Probably a lite dinner and dessert.

Today is father's day. I never liked this holiday. I had a strained relationship with my father who is long gone. Since a very young age, I felt like a girl but had to repress those feelings and act the total opposite of who I really was. My father and brothers treated my mother horribly. I married and have a family, but I have always felt the need to nurture my kids. I will accept the day as a gathering of family members but wish that I could shed the label of father and all the memories of male toxicity.

Many thanks to those who have responded about my job ending. I have a plan that we think will work. But I am not completely sure how it will all play. The hardest part is not totally financial, but more of the concept of who I am. I spent most of my life as a loyal corporate employee who supported and helped a lot of people. Letting all that go is a huge change for me. My therapist is doing a great job helping me with this.

Yesterday I saw my therapist. We had a great talk. It seems like time flies by during my session. Do other people feel that way? It's been a bit of a long week. My dog got sick and kept us up during the night. At work, I have mentioned our office is closing this fall, so I have been packing up office equipment and desks of my co-workers who were laid off. It leaves me with a somber feeling. Some days I want to cry. I am hoping to decompress this weekend.
Hope everyone is doing well!
☮️ Kay

Wow!  That is tough packing stuff up!

Hope things get better for you!

Marion

Kick back and relax dear, no point in worrying over stuff out of your control. The future is open for you and you never know what it will bring, trust the universe and go with the flow.

I got an interesting phone call today from a manager that I used to work for. He is at a new company that is growing and called to tell me that there could be an opportunity for me there. We chatted for about an hour. It sounds interesting. This could bridge me to retirement. I know this person is not accepting of transgender people so I have to present as my old self as I am currently at work. I will know more in a few months so I have time to think this over. I see my therapist tomorrow, I am looking forward to my session. I hope to spend some time tonight journaling my thoughts and meditating.

I hope everyone is doing well today!

I hope this turns out to be a great opportunity for you.

"When one door closes, another opens."

Happy Saturday everyone! I had a rough week at work. As I have mentioned, our office is closing. They let most of our staff go. They kept a few of us to finish things up. The problem is, there is not enough of us to finish these tasks. We are being micromanaged by a person way up the food chain. We have all gotten phone calls from this person who seems like they want us to snitch on each other as to who is slacking. Honestly, none of us are. The company created this problem. Each day morale seems lower. Most of us are staying for the exit package which is fairly decent. Hoping the company that I talked to has a position open right about the time we close. One of my issues is that I have always worked hard and thrived on the external validation that I would receive. It is no longer there. My therapist and I talked about working on internal validation. Something I have always struggled with. She left me with an assignment to come up with positive self validating phrases to start saying to myself. I am working on that this weekend.

Tomorrow I go to my hair stylist. I get a little glammed up for that. Nothing too flashy, but not wearing my man grubs! This afternoon I need to work on an ongoing plumbing problem at our house. Ugh!

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I am so very sorry to read of your rough week at your work.  The situation that you described with being "micromanaged" and
then they want the remaining employees to snitch on each other.....  WOW... I was shocked to read that.

I trust and hope that your prospective new job opportunity turn out well for you and you can get your new
job before you are let go. 

Your therapist is giving you good advice to you... that you should come up with positive self validating
phrases to start saying to yourself.  My thought is that positive thoughts usually produce positive
outcomes.... and conversely, negative thoughts can produce negative outcomes.

Be certain to take care of your home plumbing repairs while wearing your "man grubs" BEFORE you go to my
hair stylist and get a glammed up as you are coming up with positive self validating phrases to start
saying to myself.

Please keep your Blog thread and your postings elsewhere on the Forums updated with your progress.
I along with your other followers will be eagerly looking for your postings.

HUGS, and I am wishing your well as you continue in your journey.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Kay226 on June 29, 2024, 10:11:52 AMHappy Saturday everyone! I had a rough week at work. As I have mentioned, our office is closing. They let most of our staff go. They kept a few of us to finish things up. The problem is, there is not enough of us to finish these tasks. We are being micromanaged by a person way up the food chain. We have all gotten phone calls from this person who seems like they want us to snitch on each other as to who is slacking. Honestly, none of us are. The company created this problem. Each day morale seems lower. Most of us are staying for the exit package which is fairly decent. Hoping the company that I talked to has a position open right about the time we close. One of my issues is that I have always worked hard and thrived on the external validation that I would receive. It is no longer there. My therapist and I talked about working on internal validation. Something I have always struggled with. She left me with an assignment to come up with positive self validating phrases to start saying to myself. I am working on that this weekend.

Tomorrow I go to my hair stylist. I get a little glammed up for that. Nothing too flashy, but not wearing my man grubs! This afternoon I need to work on an ongoing plumbing problem at our house. Ugh!

Short work week! Yay! Saw my therapist last evening. We have been working off some worksheets and she sends me home with things to think about and write down. My assignment going into this last session was to think of some things I can say to validate myself. I came in with affirmations that resonate with me, so we talked about them and refined them. We came up with: I choose myself, I trust myself and I love myself. And also, I am valuable, I am wise, I am loved. I have some things to think about for next week, maybe I will share in another post.

Saw my hair stylist over the weekend. She specializes in LGBTQ+ clients. I often see a transwoman leaving her studio when I get there. Going there is so affirming for me. We discussed what I wanted that appointment. Short or long? She said 'stay with long' as that is one of the things that helps me feel feminine and it is one of the main things that I have control over right now. She is fantastic!

I read a lot of writings by trans people here and elsewhere on the internet. So many of us, including myself, deal with the inner chatter of dysphoria and self doubt in all areas of who we are as people. Welcome the positive thoughts and euphoria when it appears!

Kay, I love your Mary Oliver quote.

Is that a digitally-modified photo of you? If not, I'm surprised you're still able to present as male.

This morning we went to the local farmer's market. Parked the car and started walking. A couple older than us walked past us. About 10 feet ahead, the lady turned around and glared at me. Then she shook her head back and forth as they resumed walking. My middle finger wanted to go up, but I didn't want to make a scene. As we got to the farmer's market the first person I saw was a man with a hair bun, then a transwoman walked past us. I hope they ruined that old woman's day!! After buying some veggies for roasting for dinner tonight, we stopped in a cafe and had a small breakfast.

My long weekend was rather quiet as we often say that we are very boring people. We did not go to watch fireworks on the 4th. Our dog doesn't like loud noises so we stay home with him. Our neighborhood can sound like a war zone with the mortars that people down the street shoot off! We did some yard work and grilled out. Today I plan to journal for this week's therapy session and catch some self care time before the workweek starts. Thinking about how my life will look after our office closes. I have some, well a lot, of anxiety about this.

I am really going thru something lately. Not a dark night of the soul, but enough to make me want to isolate until I figure things out. As I have mentioned, my office is closing and there are no options to continue working with the company, except maybe moving a long distance and that is not in the cards for us right now. I am staying for the exit package but it is clear that they don't have a plan for finishing up the open accounts and moving all our furniture, computers, files to? They let most of the office go, and they are wondering why the few of us left cannot finish everything. Managers up the food chain are calling & emailing to micro manage us for totally unrealistic goals. I am not sure why I care so much and not sure what they could do if we fail. Fire us? Take away from the exit package? Clearly this situation is bothering me. My therapist was sick this week and cancelled our appointment.

I have also been triggered by my imposter syndrome. I think the long row of dominoes all fell. Maybe I need a good cry. I feel guilty for dumping here, I really try to be a positive person.

I just scanned an article that hit home. Yes, my life is in a lot of transition and filled with uncertainty. The uncertainty is very triggering for me.

That does sound stressful. I am the same way in that I was always taught that a job worth doing is worth doing well. Many coworkers disagreed and pointed out that we don't get paid enough to do THAT good a job. I would just continue doing as you have been, no more and no less. They can't expect you to do more when you obviously need to look for another job. That's on them, not you.

I worked for a company and we were negotiating to get Veterans Day as a paid holiday. The company refused and said that since we were paid by the hour, and not paid during our off time, we could pick any day we like and call it Veterans Day. It didn't need to be one specific day. So we took them at their word and everyone took off work every Friday to celebrate Veterans Day. After the fifth week of this, they decided it would be more cost-effective to limit our holidays to one specific date each year, and gave us Veterans Day as a paid holiday.

How many accounts will you and your coworkers be able to service if you need time off to go find a job, attend interviews, or even just be too sick to work? If they need extra help, maybe they should hire some temps?

One of our biggest fears is the fear of the unknown. Don't let it get to you. Things will work out, they always have and they always will.