Susan's Place Transgender Resources

My boyfriend of 7 months told me in October that he crossdresses.  He says that he only gets the urge to do it in the winter.  He told me that he does not want to do it anymore and that he has gone in the past without doing it.  For the last three months he has been miserable.  He has been moody and depressed.  He finally told me that he has been having the urges, and that he can't ignore them.  I have been accepting and supportive right from when he first told me. But now he has brought his clothes into the house, and it is becoming very real/scary to me.  I love him and want to marry him one day, but he is now keeping things secret from me about his crossdressing.  I have seen him dressed up once and it is a very odd experience.  It is also strange to see all of his clothes. He struggles with this daily, and is withdrawing from me emotionally and I am so stressed out.  He has told me that if there was a cure, he would take it.  I am worried about him and our relationship and just need to talk to someone about it.  I am also wondering if this is normal: only getting the urges in the winter?
Any help/support would be appreciated.
Sal

Hi Sal!

Welcome to Susan's!

What's normal and what isn't varies from person to person.  Some cross dressers partake of their proclivity to ease stress.  Your bf may feel more stressed at this time of year rather than others.

Unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be a "cure," at least I've never heard of one that really works.  But living with cross dressing is not impossible.  It can even enhance your relationship with him in many ways.

When our ideas about gender and what appropriate for either sex are challenged, it's common for people to become frightened.  Your fear is natural.  Knowledge and experience will ease it.  Coming here and reading people's experiences in the forums is a good step.  Our Wiki has alot of factual knowledge.  And our links page will provide you with pathways to information on support groups, physicians, therapists and other sites that can help explain what may be going on in your and your bf's life.

You now have an opportunity to grow even more intimate and loving with your boyfriend.  Telling you about his cross dressing shows that he trusts you and probably loves you very very much.  Your reaction to this part of him can make or break your relationship.  I wish you good luck with your journey.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

Secrets are never a good start to a relationship.  And what little I know about women, they tend to feel that not telling them something is pretty much the same as lying to them.  For straight out, everyday 'just' a crossdresser balance is key, to find a way to have that in their life with out ever dominating it.  That takes some time to find out, and to the degree he fights it, he more than likely does not know.  And I'm sure you worry about 'how much will be enough' and given what you have said, I'm not sure he is a place where he can say. 

And then there is you.  How much is OK with you, in what balance, in what proportion, in what manner - and I'm sure you don't know, as its not something that most girls plan out in advance.  I can say many couples are very happy with this as part of their lives, other women don't like it, don't want it, and its not what they dreamed of in a man.  Still, there are worse things in life than fashion choices.

The two of you need to talk, and to the degree he does not want to talk then he does not want to deal with it with you.  That might also hold true for other things in the relationship also, and its good to know before you invest too much.

Hi Sal,

I echo everything Tekla said above, especially regarding secrets. It's common for feelings of shame, guilt and embarassment to cause people to withdraw and hide. And considering what he's said about trying to stop or cure it, he's apparently wrestling with these things.

I can't explain the winter timing thing, but it IS very common for CDers to go through cycles of "purging," where they resist the urge to dress as long as possible, then give in to it and crossdress for for period, eventually feel ashamed of themselves and throw out all their clothes swearing to never do it again, then... days, weeks or months later the cycle starts again.

Some couples do manage to incorporate this into their lives. But as Tekla said, keep in focus what YOU want too. If you want to marry him, be aware that this will most likely NEVER go away. It will probably always be part of your lives. And not to scare you, but it should be mentioned that people do sometimes "realize" later that the clothes aren't enough... and eventually transition into living as women. For most crossdressers, it IS just about the clothes and never goes farther than that. But that "progression" does happen, and is always a risk.

Honestly seems to be the key. He's trusted you with a very intimate and vulnerable part of himself. He's probably just as terrified of "what will she think of me now?" as you are of "what does this all mean for us" To the degree you can both be open and sharing of your feelings, you'll be able to both more clearly see where to go from here.

~Kate~

The winter is a lovely time to crossdress, when layering, coats, boots, gloves, and other accessories let you be more expressive of yourself.

He probably hides it because he's ashamed of himself and probably hates himself for it because he can't control it and society tells him that he's a wuss, less of a man, a ->-bleeped-<-got, whatever, because of it. He's afraid of losing you, that you'll leave him because he's a pervert, or not manly, or whatever.

You didn't really elaborate on the crossdressing. The whole thing is quite complex. There are those who dress for sexual satisfaction, those who dress to pass, for comfort, what have you.

I originally started sexually because I wasn't grown enough to understand and separate sexuality from gender. Being TG, i certainly enjoy it sexually because hey, women like sex too. Yes, I've love to wear some lingerie with someone, but putting on a pair of panties to go to work doesn't turn me on, it's just part of whatever i'm wearing for the day.

I present male...well, androgynously at this point I suppose, when I'm not at work I crossdress in womens 3/4ths, tees, jeans, slacks, coat, and such, I pass quite often, but I'm not trying. It makes me feel better to wear the clothes I do because a) they fit better and b) it feels right. Mens clothing is bulky and feels wrong. I'd crossdress fulltime at work but when I buy nice clothes that are work appropriate I don't want to ruin them by wearing them to work.

Crossdressing is usually a sign of a deeper problem. A lot of crossdressers recognize gender dysphoria after a while. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar of course.

The thing is that, no matter how supportive you are, he's probably got a lot of internal fears and loathing to deal with. It's a terrible insecurity and really tragic. Educate yourself with material around here and online and work slowly. He'll cherish you forever if you get past the hurdle and are still a loving couple.