Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So this is a long story. And I apologize, I use talk to text since I Access this forum on my Mobil phone. And I appreciate you all hanging in there and reading.

Anyways where to being. Like the headliner says I was outted by my wife. Granted she didn't know, she was expecting something very different. Anyways. Here's to full version.

I have been dealing with think and feeling that I am and want to be a woman all my life. As long as I can remember since childhood. There could be a few contributing factors to this. Maybe due to my mom and dad being divorced and only raised by the women in the family or maybe even the sexual abuse I went through as a family member used me to discover that he himself is gay. Who knows... But the fact remains. As long as I can remember I have always been envious of the female body. I've always wanted a V instead of a P. Always wanted the curves and the hips. The whole package. Sadly I was born a boy. So I figured this was never going to happen. And I was able to repress and forget about these thoughts and feelings.

As the years passed. They would come and go. I always managed to repress them. Not sure why now they're back. Not sure why I can't seem to repress them anymore. Maybe stress,.maybe too much visual stimulation from social media and you tube on how many more.people are coming out in general. Maybe it was years of porn and the slow progression of porn from soft to some.of the more extreme kinds. Who knows.

Fact of the matter is I have always been able to repress it, and forget about it. It's always been a secret of mine. Even if it has caused a great deal of depression and even suicidal idealization.
 
So since this wasn't going away this time I decided I'd continue my research I've always looked into transitioning and everything that goes with it over the years but I've been much more actively researching and gathering information as much as I could. Started speaking with the therapist granted I've only had two sessions with him before the house fire and haven't had any sense but even he has expressed a lot of things that I was not aware of or didn't even think about. I even reached out to a few individuals who have already transitioned I'm happy they even decided to write me back since I imagine they get a lot of messages from people on social media asking questions and their advice and whatnot.

Anyways this is always been a secret of mine I've always figured it would go away to an extent maybe come back every now and again but not to this extreme as it has so I've never really felt obligated to tell anyone about it. Well with everything going on house fire wife finding out bad news about her stepdad having cancer and not sure how long he has to live our marriage being on unstable ground for a long time now people deal with things differently and my way was always to shut down and focus on the task and that's it I don't talk about things I don't share my feelings I don't do any of that. When I try people usually misunderstand me I don't know or feel that I can communicate in a way that people understand what I'm trying to say without me pissing them off for lack of a better words. So with everything going on I'm pulling away distancing myself. Not that I am doing those things on purpose but it is just what I do to deal with stress

So 4 days ago I come home from work. It's been another late day and trying to move stuff from our three storage units to bring to our new house clean up and move it in to try and repair things and move on with life after the fire. I get in the shower and do my normal routine and about halfway through as I'm shaving my body my wife comes in and asked me what the hell this is and she's holding my phone. Granted I don't know what she's talking about initially because I can't see what's on my phone that she's ranting about. Long story short she went in my phone got on social media and started going through my conversations with people. Granted she probably thought she was going to catch me having an affair with somebody else or talking to another woman and starting a relationship behind her back. But what she found was conversations of me reaching out to individuals who have already transitioned trying to gather information and do my own research get advice anything and everything that I could possibly take away from these individuals for my benefit trying to figure out what's going on with me and why I'm having these feelings and why they're not going away this time.

Definitely not what she had expected. But as I'm standing there naked in the shower with a razor blade in my hand I'm getting the third degree feels like the Spanish Inquisition. I'm literally standing there trying to answer her questions a lot of the same questions I don't even have for myself answered standing there ashamed afraid sobbing. Not knowing where this is all going to lead now definitely not how I thought my evening was going to go.  As you can imagine I was feeling many different emotions and feelings. Most of all feeling betrayed and that my trust in my wife to not break boundaries and to not allow me my individual privacy is now gone. Everything I do is now under a microscope it feels like anything I buy on Amazon anything I bring up it doesn't matter somehow it all goes back to me keeping a secret from my wife which apparently is just as bad as me physically sticking my penis inside another woman and having sex with her.

So finally get out of the shower and find her on the bed still reading my phone and a pretty long argument fight conversation ensues afterwards I
know I should have told.my wife when we were dating about this side of myself. I know I was wrong in withholding this from her. I felt I could deal with it like I always do.

I can't imagine to understand what my wife is feeling and going through I'm sure we both are equally feeling the same amount of pain hurt anger mistrust and everything else. She's just as afraid and concerned about our future as I am what it's all going to mean to her and our family and friends and everything.

Seems like everyday we end up getting into an argument or conversation about all this and she's really just trying to figure out and ask questions but it comes off a lot differently and it definitely feels one-sided in the way she approaches the topics.

I can tell you I feel that I only have two choices that I remain the same for the sake of my wife and our family and everything and everyone that knows us and keep things as normal as possible. Or I explore this side of myself and potentially lose my wife my family friends life as I know it will never be the same. Granted life will never be the same anyways after all this I could not do anything and still lose my wife because our marriage is already been on the rocks and we have horrible communication skills.

Or I can explore this and decide to transition and have my wife and family leave me anyways at some point because this isn't what they signed up for and I did not give them any choice by keeping it a secret. So do I attempt to live life as I've always done and hope that the depression and everything else doesn't get too much to wear I ultimately take my own life. Do I decide to explore this and who knows maybe potentially transition in some form or everything under the sun that I could possibly do and I could still end up unhappy and still have lost everything either way it's a huge gamble no matter what I do.

There is some kind of sense of relief that she knows but at the same time I feel like it's a giant elephant in the room walking on eggshells even if we aren't actively having the conversation about transition and what it all means and what I need from her and what she expects or needs from me. 

After all this has gone on she's still here she hasn't asked me for divorce or asked me to find somewhere else to live or even asked me to sleep in a different part of the house. So I guess that's a good sign for now she does love me but she is who she is and she has told me many times she's not attracted to women and if I become one she doesn't know how long she'll be able to stick around she likes men she likes having sex with men if I am not a man then our relationship and marriage especially the physical aspect will change forever and either we find a compromise and a way around it or I guess ultimately the relationship is over maybe we still be friends we still love and care about each other but a marriage is probably going to dissolve. And if I transition who knows how I may evolve and who knows what things change about me as of right now I'm still attracted to my wife and women will I be a lesbian so to speak if I become a woman or will my orientation change as I continue to take hormones and feel more feminine. As I've read a lot on the internet and again by no means these are experts saying these things but the most feminine thing a man can do is to be with another man, as in being the female or playing the female role while having sexual intercourse with a man. 

And to complicate things further my wife has children with her ex they're not too young but they're still living with us and they're still sharing custody and of course she's afraid she might lose custody if I ever come out officially in transition because there's a lot of negative stereotypes around being trans in general.

It's a very complicated matter. But like I said for now we're still married we're still talking there have been no ultimatums and she's still around. We even made love a few days later and it was intense and felt amazing but again we'll see how things develop maybe it was just make up sex who knows.

As for now I'm going to continue or restart my therapy sessions. I'm going to continue to try and answer all these questions for myself with the help of doing research and talking to people and professionals. And we've agreed to be open and honest to be transparent to not do anything without discussing it first in terms of transitioning. Which is probably the best route. 

With all this said I'm still not so sure my marriage will survive this we're both hurt and we both lost a lot of trust and I feel like now nothing personal is off limits and that there are no personal boundaries I can't even have deep personal thoughts remain my own if she would have it her way. I feel every step I take to explore and find out who I am is a step away from her my marriage and family.

All I know is that I'm not getting any younger and I feel like owe it to myself to at least explore an experiment with this and see if it feels right or if it feels like this is been The missing Link in my life all this time or who knows I could be like what the f*** am I doing this is stupid and silly this is not for me I don't know but I feel I at least owe it to myself to explore this side of me. I wish I had done it a long time ago because if I did ultimately end up deciding to transition I'd have a whole lot more time to become the woman I meant to be. Versus trying to transition later on in life which is not impossible as I've seen many of you on this forum successfully do that but there's always that what if in the back of your head that if you did it sooner how things would have turned out would you have been more pleased with your transition and body and dysphoria versus doing it later in life.

I know life doesn't always give us the best options and timing for when things happen and there's always a great deal of things to consider in every decision we make.

So for now I am still me I'm still a male and presenting as a male I'm questioning my gender, and what it all means and what are all the possible outcomes good and bad but it's hard to see the good when initially all you're going to see and deal with is the negative consequences. I am hopeful which is weird because I am a very typically pessimistic and negative person and personality. I just usually always prepare for the worst and I'm usually right in doing so. But I just feel like I can't continue living life the way I'm living it I need to finally resolve this issue versus trying to repress it.

So far 2024 has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.

Sorry it's so long. It would only let me type so much at a time.

It's a month or so now since all this happened and nothing's changed. It's the elephant in the room that we ignore. It has been swept under the rug. Life is ok. We aren't fighting and we make love occasionally so that's good, but it's eatting me up inside. It's not going away and I feel the longer I try to ignore it the more dramatic ways it will lash out

Hi, Robby,
Your story is somewhat similar to mine in that I always knew I was a girl since my earliest childhood memories. Though the sexual abuse and pron stuff you mentioned was never a part of my life. And that is what I often tell people about that kind of stuff. I don't believe any amount of sexual abuse or porn or social media makes somebody transgender. I grew up in the absence of all that stuff and here I am, in the same boat. Just as transgender as you.

Did that stuff have an impact on your life? I'm sure it did, and therapy is the venue for addressing those issues. But there is nothing you can point your finger at and say "that's the reason why I am how I am" when it comes to gender identity.

I'm sorry that your wife ambushed you and attacked you in such a vulnerable moment. Nobody should be ambushed while naked in a shower. That was entirely uncalled for, and I honestly don't think I would be able to ever trust her again had I been in your shoes in that situation. Since she had been reading your messages, she would have already understood that this was a very painful and confusing portion of your life and to treat you in that way was intentionally cruel and demeaning.

I guess I am hopeful to some degree, since she didn't immediately leave you or file for divorce. But given how she treated you, I wouldn't be super surprised if she is making an exit plan and just waiting until she feels like she has a plan in place before she ends the marriage.

But, who knows. I went through a two year separation from my wife, and even after all that, we're still together and our marriage is better than it has been in a long time.

Hi Robby,

I understand what you are going through and it is rough. I strongly feel that therapy is going to help you here. If you decide to transition or not. The turmoil you are experiencing is exactly the kind of thing a therapist can guide you through.

I can also understand your wife's being shocked, as she was expecting something totally different. Would she be open to going to therapy with you as a couple? The therapist can help you work on your issues, help her with her issues, and work with both of you to sort things out.

I think it is a very good sign that she did not ask for a divorce, or kick you out. The fact that you are still together could indicate that she is at least willing to try to understand. You said you have poor communication skills. This could be why you and she are misunderstanding each other and having difficulty discussing this very important issue. Again, a therapist can help both of you to express yourselves to each other.

Even if things don't work out between you, the therapist can help you get through that too. You have had it rough and you deserve to live your life as you wish. Not everyone will be on board and it will be painful. But the result is a happier you and you will make new friends.

You are not alone in this. As you know, we have a ton of information and experience right here. Perhaps you could find a story that you relate to and share that with your wife. Maybe that will help her understand. We have a Significant Others sub-forum here. She is welcome to join and ask questions and get advice, same as you. We are here to help in any way we can.

My psychologist said something that has stuck with me over the years:

"It should not be difficult for you to be yourself."

Thank you everyone. Just trying to get through life day by day. I have been finding it harder to concentrate on anything but this. Work is suffering, and I'm sure I'm not all their on my family and husband duties as well.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on May 11, 2024, 01:04:14 PMThank you everyone. Just trying to get through life day by day. I have been finding it harder to concentrate on anything but this. Work is suffering, and I'm sure I'm not all their on my family and husband duties as well.

That is certainly understandable. Dysphoria affects people differently, from mild to severe. If you are being strongly affected, please make therapy a priority. Things don't get better without it. The longer you put it off, the worse your problems can get. Please do this so that you, your work, and those around you do not suffer. Your life is important. Please take care of yourself.

Hugs!

Hello Robby

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

Where to begin?  That is the question in beginning your journey, if one wants to call it that or in my case how do I help you in some small way.

I have never heard the raw emotions of one letting out how they feel in an introduction post.  It has touched me very much so.  I say to new members, I'm always learning something new and I have certainly have, with the pain you are going to through.

In regards to your posts, I will answer some of the more salient points.  However, I noticed that you have been looking around Susan's Place and I noticed that you came across one of my posts called 'Future me' (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247186.msg2262534.html#msg2262534).

Yes, inspirational in the sense that a journey of a thousand miles, begins with just one step, a very small step or in my case big steps.  It is up to each and every individual to determine how fast or slow they go in achieving their dreams.

In your post that you wrote about in 'Future Me' you said:

Quote from: Robbyv213 on May 11, 2024, 11:01:16 AMThank you for writing this. It is very inspiring and gives me hope.

I am 37 and for many reasons I feel I can transition for at least 4 years. There is so much wasted time. I don't know if I can wait 4 years, ignoring and repressing her.

Thank you again for your inspirational post

I thank you for your kind words and I wrote this post so that others can have the hope that it is possible to realize their dreams regardless of what happens around them.  Your age should be no barrier as there are children and adults in their 70's changing their lives around.  So age is no reason for you not to start.

As they say; "it's better late than never".  I was 30 years old when I changed my life around and 2 years later I had my surgery.  Although this is not the shortest, I believe the shortest time to change is one year and this is because of the SOC and WPATH guidelines.

There is no point trying to suppressing these feelings, it has never worked and there is to my knowledge, that no one has succeeded in suppressing these feelings.  If suppressed long enough and hard enough these feelings will come back to bite you even harder on the backside.  There are members here on Susan's who can attest to this.

In my blog called Sarah B's Story.  I give a short description and a long winded version of what I did to change my life around, you find it my clicking on the following links.

• Sarah's Race to SRS Part I (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247190.msg2264082.html#msg2264082)
• Sarah's Race to SRS Part II preamble (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247190.msg2264947.html#msg2264947)

There are other stories by various members and I would suggest, when you get the chance to sit down alone, with a cup of 'coffee' and read that; "you are not alone", in what you are experiencing at this moment in time.

I cannot help, you in regards to your wife and the children, as I never married and I did not have children.  BlueJaye and LoriDee have provided their perspective views in response to your postings.  There are other members were their wives and children have stayed and those that have not.

In my case, I left my family and friends behind and I was prepared never to see them ever again.  They did not know that I was going to change my life around.  I was prepared to sacrifice everything so that I could live my life as a female.

I also suggest that you continue with your 'therapy' whether it is a psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor that specializes in the area of gender therapy, to help you with your current issues.  Please understand that neither your parents divorce, or the abuse you have suffered or what you have done in your life has contributed the way you feel and want to be.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the various forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most members have experienced these as well.

You have mentioned in your very first post that you served in the Marines.  I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your service.

Take care of yourself first and foremost, because if you do not, then how can you care for others as well.  Please ask for help if you need it.  Members will try there utmost to help you and if they are unable to, they usually can point you in the direction that you need to go.  If you need any help then the following link Transgender Help (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,2.0.html) will provide you with contacts, that will enable you to do so.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Robbyv213

Hello Robby,
   I read your intro posts, yes all of it and am very touched by it. Much of it is very similar to my life. First I would like to say suicide is NOT AN OPTION! Nor will it fix anything.
  Growing up I also felt the want/need to be a woman. repressed these feelings by crossdressing occasionally, porn, stories, fantasy's, church/prayer, working, you name it. Married had a son. But was a miserable SOB. GD does not get easier as we age. I came out to my wife of 35 years. We had the "I'm not a lesbian, not what I signed up for talk. She agreed to stick it out for a while and see where it leads. I told her we could always go our separate ways. I feel our relationship has become stronger and better as i become more intuned with my feelings and less hostile. We shop, dine out, and spend time together without many fights. Sex has become a thing of the past thanks to HRT but I find I don't miss it that much. Being 'out' and expressing female has taken such a lode off my shoulders. I am due to have my SRS next month and she says she will be there for me.
  Find a 'good' therapist who you feel comfortable with. This can help immensely. Explain to the wife that you are trying to figure this out as you go and that you never meant to deceive her. Give her time to digest all this. It may takes months, years, or it might never happen. You must be happy in what ever place you are in. Be brave sister! We are here for you.
Hugs Gina 

@Gina P how has your srs surgery gone. I hope you're well and off to a good recovery.


Just an update. I feel she is in some pretty bad denial stage of me being trans. Just about anything that gets brought up about trans people or the LGBTQ community in general is a trigger for her when it was not before.  She's just going to keep ignoring it till she can't anymore and at that point it will be too late to do anything for our marriage... What a waste it will be if it all ends bc she's unwilling to do anything on her end. Oh well that won't be on me, that's her choice.

Just yesterday I decided to shave my face. I want something different. Not aure how long I'll keep shaving but Im shaved for now. Anyways I nicked my neck and there was dried blood on my neck. What happens, prob what most of you think. She accused me of getting a hicky from someone... And it like really the evidence is all over my face, I'm freshly shaved and you think this is a hicky.... Like I feel since I have come.out to her I've been accused of cheating more and more often. So now I wonder if she's talking to or making an emotional connection with someone else and if it goes well will become her exit strategy. Anyways I was like let me prove this to you, got a wet paper towel and wiped the dried blood away. I'm like if this was a hicky it would not have been able to be wiped away by a wet cloth.

And then that lead into a big fight about why she's always accusing me of cheating when there's no evidence, no nothing. Which ruined the rest of the evening.

I've got to say I'm getting pretty tired of trying to stay patient and calm while waiting for her to cope and come to terms with me being trans, but she's not even doing anything on her end. She's not educating herself, sees not seeking help from a therapist, she is doing nothing.

I can't wait and twiddle my thumbs forever postponing my transition waiting for her to finally start making progress on herself. I def don't mind if she's also putting in the work, but it's just me.

I think I'm going to tell her after my primary care visit at the end of July that I also asked for referrals to gender affirm care through the VA and see what they have to offer and what's covered. Granted I'm already looking into now, but I'm going to use that as my hey this is me being open and honest with you, and since you're doing nothing I can't sit around and wait forever for you to come to terms or do what ever it is that you have to do. Granted it would just be an initial consult with the VA genders team in Phoenix which should answer all my questions. But maybe that will help her realize this is something that is not going to just go away if we ignore it.

Sorry I know that was a bit more of a rant than an update thanks for reading

Robby,

I feel for you. When my ex (wife #3) and I were having a rough time, I got the impression that she wouldn't put any effort into trying to stay together. I told her I was moving to South Dakota and gave her a date about a month out. I told her she was welcome to come with me and we could start fresh to figure things out. When I was packing up my truck a month later she looked like she couldn't believe I was leaving but made no effort to discuss the situation.

I told her that I was not angry, that she was free to live as she chose, and asked her to give me the same opportunity. We can work together, or not, and no matter what her decision, I would still treat her with respect. She wasn't interested in joining me and stayed there.

After I moved, I stayed in touch occasionally to let her know where I was and how to contact me. I continued to tell her what I was doing and that I would be filing for divorce. I explained how the marital settlement would work and that she would get a copy before it went to the judge. She signed it and that was that.

My point is to keep your cool. Let her get emotional if that is what she needs. You stay calm and explain that this is the direction you are going. She is welcome to come along or go her own way. Either way, you will respect her decision and you will understand. That is important. The decision is hers, but she needs to know that she cannot bully you or manipulate you into doing something else. She is either on board or not. If she is onboard you will do all that you can to help her understand what you are doing.

I hope this helps somehow. It doesn't have to get ugly, and I hope it doesn't.

Sorry about the marriage problems, Robby This is probably the hardest part of transitioning. I am one of the lucky ones who's wife has stuck with me, not that it hasn't had it's ups and downs. I told her early on that this is something I have to do. If you can deal with it that's fine or if you want to split I would understand. We decided to try it for a while and see if it got to weird for her to bear but she is good so far. Hugs Sister, Gina

@LoriDee thank you. Yes it does help. Every little bit of knowledge, information and advice I get here really helps. Hearing everyone's stories and experiences helps me form an idea or how to move forward in a manner that's best for both my wife and I.

I know it's still very early in my transition. Hell I haven't even seen a doctor yet (apt is end July), and it's only been since mid April since everything came out. So I know the initial stages for my wife can last a very long time. Denial, anger, grief, acceptance and even go through each multiple times. So I know it can take a while. But at what point do I start moving forward even if it's baby steps. I feel she will stay in the denial (ignore it and hope it goes away phase) as long as I allow her to if that makes sense. If I start doing things and preparing and taking those baby steps she will have to face the light and see that it isn't going away. Not that I want to push her to going faster than she is comfortable with.

July will be about 3 months since I came out ( and I know there's no set time period for anyone's adjustment and coping time frames). I feel that by saying hey I'm seeing my primary care doctor at the end of July, and one of the things I want to ask about is gender affirming care that the VA can help provide, what they offer, what's covered and what's they won't cover etc, and try to get as many questions of mine answered that I can. I feel that's not too big of a step forward, but still a step that says ok my husband is serious about this, it isn't going away, I may need to really start putting some serious thought into this (which I am sure she already has and just doesn't vocalize it). But just a small step. Nothing crazy or dramatic. Just step up an appointment with their specialists to have questions answered.

I feel like I can't discuss anything on this subject with her, without her getting triggered..she wants me to be open and honest with her and share my thoughts and feelings but how can I if Everytime I do it sends us into a downward spiral of fighting about this. I want to tell her how excited I am to have this appointment and how its one step closer to changing my life around to how I want to life it. That I'm excited to finally be on the right path to being the person I have always felt I was supposed to be. Even the thought of preparing my body to start hrt is enough to make me happier from day to day and things that usually bother me or make me mad don't even seem to phase me anymore. Just the thought of transitioning and finally being able to be the woman I want to be makes me dramatically less depressed. But how I can I share those things when all those happy things for me will only be painful things for her to hear.

I know she loves and cares about me. But there are times where I feel or question how can she if she doesn't want what's best for me and my mental health and well-being. It's a double edge sword, and I can see it from her side to an extent. I usually try to put myself in her shoes or anyone's for that matter. I just can't help but keep coming back to the thought of " you say you love and care about me, but you don't want me to do what would be best for my mental health, depression, and over all well-being because it will be inconvenient for you, and that I may physically change to a point you'll no longer want to be in a relationship with me? Then what is love if it's not loving someone as they go through life and evolve into the person their mental to be all the while you change and adapt with them and find ways to love the newest version they become." That's unfortunately what I always come back to in my mind when she says she loves and cares about me, but.... There is always a but and a limit to her love and caring. Which shouldn't be the case for anyones love if they truly love and care about someone else and vise versa.

Maybe it would have been different if she knew about this side of me earlier on where it wasn't so dominant in my life right now.

I just unfortunately feel that if I want to transition I will have to ultimately make a choice between myself and or my relationship.



@Gina P it is a bit early to tell which way this will go for my marriage. I definitely don't want to rush or force anyone's hand. Like I said I just feel transitioning will mean the end of my relationship with my wife. And if that point comes and she has done nothing then it would have been a shame ,.such a waste to let it all go and not even try. But we will see. We are not at that point. Like I said maybe baby steps will help her move forward to an extent and or at least have her think and meditate on the topic.

Our lease in our rental is in March. I am curious to see how she changes as that time gets closer. If she is just biding her time and planning a exit or if she's still planning a future for us. What will her future plans look and become if I start taking baby steps moving forward? Will her plans for a future switch to plans on how to leave and where to go etc? Who knows...

Only time will tell. I hope you all have a great weekend. It's 110 here in Az.

I think you have a good grasp on how to handle it. Baby steps, but keep moving forward. As you said, it will send the message that this is not "just a phase" you are going through.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on Yesterday at 02:55:00 PMI just can't help but keep coming back to the thought of " you say you love and care about me, but you don't want me to do what would be best for my mental health, depression, and over all well-being because it will be inconvenient for you, and that I may physically change to a point you'll no longer want to be in a relationship with me? Then what is love if it's not loving someone as they go through life and evolve into the person their mental to be all the while you change and adapt with them and find ways to love the newest version they become."

I realize this is what you may be thinking and you have valid concerns. But please closely examine how you have worded it. It comes across like you are blaming her. I know you are not but that may be what she is hearing. Instead, try to let her know that you want to include her in the process.

For example, the VA appointment. Let her know that there are questions that you will be asking to help you understand. Ask her if there is anything that she would like to know that you could ask the doctor for her. Let her know that she is welcome to come to the appointment with you so she can ask if she wants. This way, you are not being confrontational. You are trying to include her in the process.

If she refuses, so be it. Do not accuse her of not loving you under all conditions. Think about it. She really hasn't had much time to process this. Like you said, she will go through all the stages of grief. That is a process. It takes time and patience. Baby steps, but include her by asking her how she feels about things. Tell her you need to < do whatever > and ask her opinion on it. Does it bother you if I wear < whatever > at work? What about at home? Maybe there are things she is ok with. Ask her to help you find something suitable along those lines. Again, you are including her in the process, not accusing her of anything. Give her time to adjust.

@LoriDee yes I see your point. It has very well come across as me blaming or pointing the finger at her, mainly from my state of mind as it is currently. I know it will change, and it will have to, in order to remain clam and move forward as peacefully and respectfully as possible. These are just my thoughts and aggravations going on in my head.

I really do want to include her in the process, that's the only way I can move forward while being completely open and honest about my actions and intentions. It's just difficult to do so and remain clam when every time I try to bring up this subject she becomes aggressive and hostile, then I shut down bc it makes me sad and depressed but also bc I know I can go from 0-150% aggressive and angry at the same time. I usually try to walk away and wiat till I'm back in a level headed state of mind. Especially if thats how it goes. But then Im accused of shutting down and running away. I feel it's a lose lose with her either way. Like there would be no way to have this conversation or future conversations without it getting heated and turning into an argument where she yells and I just become quiet and take it all. Which makes me feel I am forced to do things and not include her. I hate confrontation, and I try to avoid at all costs and that's how I've always been in relationships, their needs and wants over mine, and not speaking up for myself and how I feel since it will only continue or prolong the confrontation.

There are many times while we're sitting watching TV or lying in bed that I just want to turn and say what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling but I feel I can't since it will upset the current peace and calmness and make for a nightmare of a night, and then it's once again my fault for her not sleeping well, or being stressed out at home etc.

I really do feel and believe that she feels there is no moving forward for our relationship if I move forward in any kind of transition. I've even mentioned things like wanting to inquire about finasteride or dutastride for hair loss, but the side affects of e.d., lose of function, potentially growing breast or getting gyno are all things she has very negative and strong opinions on. Granted I'm not sure I'd like some of the side affects of those drugs either like being in a fog etc, but I def want to try to save what hair I have left, and as for me I definitely don't mind the loss of function down stairs or getting gyno or breast growth. And that's for a topic of trying to help my male patterns baldness not even transitional related in both our eyes. But as soon as there is any talk about men becoming more feminine like or loss of function etc it's a hard pass for her. Even if it means I'd have less confidence and more depression from slowly losing my hair etc, I know it's from a vanity stand point but usually if you feel you look good then you feel good. Why can't I be concerned and want to maintain my appearance when she does all sorts of things to maintain hers? I just feel there's a huge double standard when it comes to what she does vs what she thinks I am aloud to do as well.

But I'm getting off topic and ranting more. The whole thing is infuriating for me. I know it's a lot that she is going through and I know I need to continue to be the same as I always am day in and day out to show that even while taking baby steps I'm still here showing up everyday the same way in our relationship while trying to be as open and honest as I can while being as calm and patient as I can. As you all know almost Impossible to do ( lol) since we all have our limits.

Just FYI... Minoxidil (Rogaine) is topical and will not interfere with your hormones the way finasteride or other oral meds will.

AND estrogen will cause ED. It hit me about three months in. I suddenly realized, no more morning wood. Then it progressed to being unable to keep it up. But sensation is still there and orgasm still happens. It is just different. I doubt Viagra will help. I had been using it pre-transition while still married. When I started to transition, my Primary was reviewing past meds and asking why I was prescribed sildenafil. It's like, do you want to use that thing or not? I laughed and told her that was an old prescription that I have not had refilled in a long time.