Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey everyone

So erm not really sure how to write this so I'll try put it the best way I can. I'm so confused about these feeling I'm having about my gender identity and I just don't understand what's going on in my head.

For context I'm male at birth but I don't feel it all the while only very little. I wish I was born female, like I don't hate my body but it's just like meh. I don't care about the clothes on my back (unless it's like a nerd thing thing like a lord of the rings or metallica T-shirt), I wish my hair was longer and could style it and go to the salon like a woman's and if you were to look at my videos that come up automatically on my fb it would be all about dyeing and styling hairs and bridal hairs etc (I do like my hair but oddly only when I cut it and spike it), when I'm in the gym I feel like I should be more happier about my progress like I've got a mate and he's always complementing about how far I've come along and getting bigger muscles, but when I look in the mirror I just like yeah it's good but still meh.

Hobbies wise I've always tried to push away from things that may sound gay, like pretending I don't like or sing along to chick flicks, that I don't like Taylor swift (who I refused to listen to be begin with but actually realised she's ->-bleeped-<-ing awesome) and kesha for example just simply cause of the stereotypes associated with it.

I've just come out as bi to a few friends but thst still feels wrong to me, like im attracted to straight guys (and women) and don't really find gay guys that attractive but its feels wrong me saying that i just want to let them be a 'top' like in my head it feels like it should be the front not the back. I've enjoyed sex with women but I've always much preferred it when my "friend" isn't being touched but I'll still do it and feel ok about it I just don't prefer it and that feels like it's messed up cause surely I shouldn't be enjoying it if I would rather it be replaced??

Like I said I'm so messed up and confused I don't even know what's going on anymore.

If you've read this far thank you for putting up with it and dealing with it and any advice would be greatly appreciated x

Helen x

Hello Helen,

I'm Jessica Rose. Welcome to Susan's Place!

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Hi Helen, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm confused, are you saying you do or don't like
the Metallica and LOTR T-shirts?  ;D

Working through the bit about who we are, what we want, and how to get there is the
difficult part of our journey. But there will always be people on this site ready
and willing to help you find your path.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Helen and welcome,

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and it's totally okay to feel confused. There's no right or wrong answer when it comes to figuring out your gender identity or sexuality.

You are not alone in this. There are many people who experience similar feelings on this forums, and there are shared experiences available on this forums written by those before you to help you explore them. Many will listen and support you in any way they can when they read this message.

Be patient with yourself, exploring gender identity and sexuality can take time.

Hey there Helen - and welcome!

You've found a good place to meet like-minded people who will understand what you're going through, and be able to tell you about their journeys... which, while they will be unique to them, will give you some ideas maybe as to questions to ask and how to look at your own situation going forward.

Everyone here is always really willing to listen, and offer advice if you that's what you want... or just tell you all the millions of things we've done wrong or dozens of things we did ok on our paths, so maybe those will help you on yours. 😘

One thing I would definitely recommend? I can't tell you how many of us have really found it helpful to speak to a qualified gender therapist. Hopefully you have access to one or more in your area... otherwise there are some who are available via zoom.. it's all about who works for you, if you can get your insurance to cover (most can), etc.. etc..

But it's really something worth looking into.  If you go to psycologytoday dot com they will have a list of therapists, and you can search by area, and speciality, insurance, etc... and that's a really good starting point.

Either way, glad to have you here and hope you find being a part of this community helpful!

Love,
Allie

Hey lovelies thank you for the really warm welcome ☺️

Haha yeah I love the Metallica and Lord of the rings tops and will literally always be my go to without my even realising.

I am 100% going to be going counselling because even if I am wrong I want to understand the way I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it, like this has been happening for the years and I keep pushing it aways but it always comes back no matter what.

I downloaded an app called FaceApp last night and all day I've been changing my pictures to a gendered swapped version and I nearly wept. It's going to sound silly but when I looked at them I finally felt like I was actually looking back at me, as opposed to when I look at the original pics or me in the mirror where i just see this random guy I've come to know.

Faceapp can be fun, but there are concerns about their data privacy policies. Use it at your own risk.

Hi, Helen.  Welcome!

I am glad that you are planning to see a counsellor / therapist.  That is definitely the best way to work through confusion.  Just make sure that they are well-versed in gender issues.

Most of us have been in similar positions as we started to become aware of the conflict between our inner identity and the dictates of society.  You have definitely come to the right place to seek advice and opinions.

Hi, Helen!

Welcome to Susan's Place.
Take your time to figure things out. You probably won't get instant answers. Be patient. The answers you get may raise more questions. There are no right or wrong answers. It is your path to discover. Everyone else is just a guide to show you where they have been.

Hope to see you around.

Hey everyone I'm really sorry for the slow replies just life has been crazy with work.

I am 100% going to be going to a gender therapist at the end of the month (or at least booking in for an appointment)

I'm just started to get even more scared now because I'm assuming they'll be talking about my past and when I first started noticing things. And my issues is like there's always been signs but a lot of my childhood and definitely teen years I can't remember cause I've blacked it out from abuse I got from my mums ex husband but it's like the stuff that does appear most prominent is always related to issues about gender identity, and I'm just scared if this is normal or not?

@Helen994
Dear Helen:
Thank you for sharing regarding your plans to make an appointment to see a Gender Therapist.
It is important that you follow through and do this. 

My unsolicited advice for you is to NOT hold back any information or details during  your discussions
with your therapist... they can only help you if you are candid with them and you share your genuine
feelings and thoughts.

I am eagerly looking forward to reading your updates and any additional sharing that you
feel comfortable posting here on the Forum.

Wishing you well in your continuing journey.
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Helen994 on June 15, 2024, 09:02:43 AMHey everyone I'm really sorry for the slow replies just life has been crazy with work.

I am 100% going to be going to a gender therapist at the end of the month (or at least booking in for an appointment)

I'm just started to get even more scared now because I'm assuming they'll be talking about my past and when I first started noticing things. And my issues is like there's always been signs but a lot of my childhood and definitely teen years I can't remember cause I've blacked it out from abuse I got from my mums ex husband but it's like the stuff that does appear most prominent is always related to issues about gender identity, and I'm just scared if this is normal or not?

Helen,

I had similar experiences. The key is to have a therapist that you trust enough to open up to. Everything you discuss is confidential and will not be shared with anyone. Any notes entered into your records are discussed in a very clinical manner without describing details.

You must be able to explore these things for a number of reasons. The therapist needs to understand what happened and how it affected you then and how it affects you now. There were things that I discussed with my psychologist that enabled him to confirm gender dysphoria. It also helps them plan what types of counseling will help you move past any traumas.

It is difficult and even embarrassing, but no less important. They will not be interested in recording the details, instead, they are listening for what generally happened that may have caused your reaction. The details are important but only so that the therapist will have a context of the situations you are dealing with.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hey lovelies.

Yes 100% I will be honest with them. I want to know and be sure what's going on with them.

Ever since being open to myself more it seems certain to me where my head is. But I'm starting to struggle with how different my life would have been if i had been born in the correct gender. I've been rethinking my life over in my head and it's just heartbreaking to realise how different the life I have now is just to the one I envision in my head and wish had happened.

Helen,

We all do that. you are not alone.
There is a reason the rear-view mirror is smaller than the windshield:
You're not going that way!

Keep looking ahead. Focus on the life to come, not what you may have lost. Hang in there, Sister.

Thank you, hopefully I can be brave enough like everyone here to keep pursuing my true self

When you have doubts or questions, we are here to support you in any way we can.
We have all been through various versions of this experience, so we can understand and offer advice or guidance.

One more thing, if you are comfortable here, you might want to start your own Member Blog. That serves as your "home" here on the forum where you can post updates, as you may be comfortable with, and we can follow so we can see how you are doing.

Thank you, honestly you calling me sister was the first time someone has used female pronouns for me. And it's the first time I've ever actually felt like someone was fully addressing me 🫣

Start here and start a new topic for your Member Blog.
https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,326.0.html (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,326.0.html)

I will definitely be looking into this thank you ☺️

Hello Helen

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!  I know I a little late in greeting you.

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well and they have provided you with some wonderful advice.

As others may have mentioned, they too have pushed these feelings back and no matter what they come back, often with a vengeance.

In my past we did not have mobile (cell) phones so I did not have the chance to use the current technology.  I have seen myself with these 'apps', so I understand where you are coming from.

The most important concern that other members have mentioned and even you have alluded to it and that is to seek 'therapist' help, whether it's via psychiatrist psychologist or counsellor to resolve your current issues.  I cannot stress enough that you seek one who is also well versed in gender issues.

Danielle our Forum Administrator has suggested that when you do see a 'therapist' that you do not hold back any information and I would also agree as well.

Your profile name is a wonderful and a famous one as well.  "Helen of Troy" comes to mind.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.  Please ask for help if you need it, as Susan's members will help if they can.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Helen994

Hey ☺️honestly everyone has been so lovely and wonderful here ☺️

My biggest worry with talking with a therapist is when I read everyone else story the vast majority seem to remember what sticks out for them at certain ages I.e. started to wear feminine clothes at 15. But whilst I remember things I can't remember the order they came in or what age.

So like i remember when I was younger I remember three things (I remember wayyyy more but this just for the example): 1. brushing my sisters hair 100 times so it would become shiny and being jealous I didn't have long hair like her and wearing her school uniform, 2. watching billy Elliott in school and seeing the cross dresser child (I've only watched it once so I could be using the wrong pronouns but it was the scene where billy meets his mate outside of school and finds them in a dress applying makeup) and walking home fast to try on women's clothes, and 3. Going to sleep most nights wishing (even upon a star in hopes it might come true) I'd wake up as a girl from school.

I remember these three things clear as day but if you were to ask me what age I was or what order they happened (I know the first was defo first though) I wouldn't be able to tell you and I just get worried thinking that shouldn't I know the ages these things happened?

Honestly I didn't even think of that when I chose it but it's a great coincidence 😂

Honestly at the minute I'm still kind of nervous that something I do or say will get me outed somehow (which I know is silly) but I'm slowly getting there especially reading other peoples threads and seeing how great everyone is with one another ❤️❤️

Hi Helen,

Don't worry so much about the details. I am a retired Hypnotherapist and I can assure you that when something happens is not all that important. Therapists know what questions to ask to get the information they need to figure things out. It won't be an interrogation with you sweating under a bright light saying you can't remember. It is more like a casual conversation with a new friend.

For example, you might remember brushing your sister's hair. It doesn't matter when that happened. But maybe while describing the scene you will remember how old she was at the time. Then that reminds you how old you were then. If you can't remember any of it, don't worry. It isn't a test. It is just chatting about things that bother you, or asking questions about things you are still learning.

You'll be okay. Trust me.

Hi Helen

Quote from: Helen994 on June 17, 2024, 05:47:00 AMHey ☺️honestly everyone has been so lovely and wonderful here ☺️

That's good to hear, Susan's is a place where one can be supported with care and understanding.

Quote from: Helen994 on June 17, 2024, 05:47:00 AMMy biggest worry with talking with a therapist is when I read everyone else story the vast majority seem to remember what sticks out for them at certain ages I.e. started to wear feminine clothes at 15. But whilst I remember things I can't remember the order they came in or what age.

There are a couple of my memories that I'm not sure when they happened, however I know they happened and the number of times when these memories occurred they are small in number.  Time is a factor and unless you meticulously recorded your thoughts and feelings down in a personal diary of some description.  Then those memories will become a little vague.

Quote from: Helen994 on June 17, 2024, 05:47:00 AMSo like i remember when I was younger I remember three things (I remember wayyyy more but this just for the example): 1. brushing my sisters hair 100 times so it would become shiny and being jealous I didn't have long hair like her and wearing her school uniform, 2. watching billy Elliott in school and seeing the cross dresser child (I've only watched it once so I could be using the wrong pronouns but it was the scene where billy meets his mate outside of school and finds them in a dress applying makeup) and walking home fast to try on women's clothes, and 3. Going to sleep most nights wishing (even upon a star in hopes it might come true) I'd wake up as a girl from school.

I remember my 'first thought' on being different.  I was standing in front of a pile of clothing and I was saying to myself, I wanted to find something that was female clothing so that I could wear it.  I did look through the pile, but did not find anything. So I moved on, I was about four or five at the time.    The 'second thought' I was around eight and I wanted to wear the girls uniform.

Its just recently I remembered another thought and it could be related to whom I am.  I was out in the playground and I was thinking should I go and play with the boys or out on the field, however, I remained on the playground (asphalt) and just watch the girls play their games.

Playing with the girls although I wanted too, that was not going to happen.    This thought was around about when I was eight and at the same school.  However to put these two thoughts into precise chronological order is not going to happen, as too much time has passed.

However, I sensed and realised that I had to keep quite about these thoughts, I don't know why,  I guess my survival instincts were kicking in so to speak and why I do not saying anything about my personal thoughts in regards to this matter.

I just did and I still do to this day, I do not tell anyone about myself, even doctors unless it's absolutely necessary.  My family eventually found out, not by me and none of my friends or colleagues now about me and that is the way it will remain.  That is one of the reasons why I have never had any problems living my life.

Quote from: Helen994 on June 17, 2024, 05:47:00 AMI remember these three things clear as day but if you were to ask me what age I was or what order they happened (I know the first was defo first though) I wouldn't be able to tell you and I just get worried thinking that shouldn't I know the ages these things happened?

Honestly I didn't even think of that when I chose it but it's a great coincidence 😂

My suggestion is start writing them down and try and put them into chronological order as far as possible and while you are doing this and thinking about it, more than likely you will remember more and maybe when they may have occurred.

Quote from: Helen994 on June 17, 2024, 05:47:00 AMHonestly at the minute I'm still kind of nervous that something I do or say will get me outed somehow (which I know is silly) but I'm slowly getting there especially reading other peoples threads and seeing how great everyone is with one another ❤️❤️

Honestly, I would say nothing, unless you feel very comfortable in doing so.  However, once something is revealed then you have no control over what happens to that piece of information once
it is revealed.

You are welcome, hearing other members stories allows you to make a decision that is best for you and you only and hopefully makes you happy as well.

Take care and all the best

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Helen994

Heyyyy, sorry for the late reply I've been really run down recently.

I'm defo going to be writing down all the memories I can think of and trying to order them but do you ever get worried about false memories?? Liek I've spoken to my cousin about things when we're younger and the version of both our events were fully different so I'm worried what if I'm wrong about my memories?

Helen, 
  What a wonderful name, that was my grandmothers name. Having been trans my whole life but hiding it, I was thinking about the memories thing. Early memories of wanting to be a girl are vague for me though I new it was at an early age. Then the teen years of wanting this so bad and being told its wrong by society. The battle raged most of my life. I would go to bed each night hoping I would wake up as a girl. There were times I would fight the feelings for weeks on end only to enjoy the warm fantasy of being a girl again. So much turmoil in my mind! I became a grumpy work acholic. When I finally came out and started transitioning at 60, there was such a huge relief of not hiding my true self anymore. We all have our ways of trying to cope with GD. Mine was HRT and surgery, now I have to get a new bed time wish as this one came true!
Hugs Gina