Susan's Place Transgender Resources

What has been the toughest ongoing or recurring thing about your transition?
These can be inhibitors, nuisances, and things you have experienced as you have been transitioning.  These can be other people's actions or reactions, legal issues, clothing issues, just about anything that you are experiencing or had to for a long time.

This is not necessary asking what your single toughest part of transitioning has been but if that is what you want to shout out about, okay.  Maybe it is your mindset, your determination to transition, employers not keeping you around, trolls, etc.

Chrissy

The stigma associated with being transgender. Having to remain stealth, instead of being able to celebrate the fantastic transformation I have been through. There's also the nagging doubts about my voice, and when I talk to myself, my mind constantly deadnames me.

Still, I'm much better off now than I was before. The best decision I ever made was to finally set my soul free, free to become who I was meant to be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

For me, it has been the lack of available services, like electrolysis and surgeries. We have a plastic surgeon locally who did my FFS, but he doesn't do any work below the waist. And no one around here does.

There is one place that advertised that they do electrolysis, but they are not in the VA Healthcare Network, and when they tried to register, they failed the certification. I later learned that the owner works full-time with the school district. I don't want to get a possibly life-scarring treatment from someone who "dabbles" at it and cannot get a certification.

My hopes were that the VA would send me (or reimburse my travel) to someplace that offers these services. That hope has faded over the years and now lies crumpled in the dust of this election.

I am working on a plan, but it will take several months to implement or even be ready to implement, so we will see how it goes.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 25, 2024, 08:13:15 PMWhat has been the toughest ongoing or recurring thing about your transition?
These can be inhibitors, nuisances, and things you have experienced as you have been transitioning.  These can be other people's actions or reactions, legal issues, clothing issues, just about anything that you are experiencing or had to for a long time.

This is not necessary asking what your single toughest part of transitioning has been but if that is what you want to shout out about, okay.  Maybe it is your mindset, your determination to transition, employers not keeping you around, trolls, etc.

Chrissy

I think what it is for me is people not understanding why I don't just "get a job."

The thing is I didn't transition to female to "get a job." Being unemployed is a lifestyle that works for me personally. It may not for everyone.

The toughest thing for me is the ongoing confusion of my loved ones. Though I have explained what is happening to me, they nod and answer by saying "I just hope this decision makes you happy". They simply didn't believe me when I said this wasn't a decision, and it was purely for my health. I hate that deep down, they believe that I put them through confusion, awkwardness, and even pain, because I like wearing dresses. I don't seem to have credibility about my own feelings, and they need to hear it from someone like a doctor before they might understand.

Hugs,

Allie

For me, the hardest thing has been dealing with the emotional stress of the news coming from out late great neighbour to the south.  The gratuitous evil (evil = the intentional infliction of suffering on another) directed at trans people is hard to take.  And knowing that it is coming here too, soon, for no good reason, is a weight slowly crushing me.

In my daily life, all is fine.  My neighbours and the people I interact with on a daily basis, such as wait staff and cashiers, are all good people.  If they clock me at all, and I know that some do, they are supportive and accepting.  So I feel like a character in a horror movie, whose life appears to be carrying on happily, but you know that the bad guys are lurking just outside.

The result is an existential dread. 

It is absurd that, in the twenty-first century, in a country that routinely makes the top-five list of the best countries to live in in the world, a person would have to be making escape plans.  But that is my reality.

Family.

Two of my three children aren't on board. We talk but see each other very little. "They will come around" is the conventional wisdom; I take cold comfort. I remain separated. I love my wife.. but we seldom speak, let alone see each other. For all the personal joy my transition brings, the cost is high. I am very cognizant of that.

~Jenn

We each experience barriers and disappointment sometimes, including possible lack of self acceptance. 

We each have such a personal journey, yet there are some common issues many of us experience.

Let's read more comments, so keep on posting.

Hugs,

Chrissy

I have found that talking with a gender therapist from time to time to help helpful to gain some clarity.  I will likely have another session soon to think out loud and see if she discovers something in my thinking that impacts my transitioning.

I cant think of anything recurring or ongoing? Things, at the moment, are peachy!

I get the 'staying in stealth' thing - and having the knowledge that you have done something incredible (because, changing your gender presentation completely IS INCREDIBLE) and not being able to share it with people for fear of judgement. I chose (and choose) to stay in stealth because of this reason. I seriously do not think anyone 'clocks' me or even doubts my history - I talk seamlessly now about my previous life as a girl and  a woman, changing only the gender in the actual facts of what I went through - apart from sharing that transition.. I say things such as 'when I was a small girl I..' and I don't much worry about the genderisation (sic.) of the activity I describe - talking about playing with radio controlled cars as much as Lego and other craft and electronics things I was into as a little one. I even say 'when I had my child' - She is mine, I did 'have' her, I just did not give birth to her..and when I say 'She was born by caesarean' People just presume I had the caesarean.  I see it myself as a modification rather than a deception and a protection of my personal sanctity and sanity.

It is a shame though that such modification is necessary - and whilst I think the overwhelming vast majority of people who are in my circle now and whom I work with would all be totally accepting - I feel that is not what I Want - I don't want to be accepted in that regard - I don't want to be the 'token trans woman' picked when diversity or sexual politics are in discussion. I don't want to be that spokesperson who has the say or nay on such things.. My talents lie elsewhere. I just want to be accepted as me and for people to give me as little though as possible. You may not like me because I am opinionated, brash and 'far too clever for my own good'*.. Much better than you being prejudiced against me.

I guess what I am saying, is for me, transition was just that, transitory - I don't want to be reminded of the horrid dysphoria I experienced in my body and in society - I feel that is like picking at a scab and only will lead to scar's later in life. Instead I want to continue my healing, mentally and emotionally, from the ravages of that ordeal and live my best life now.

*the quote is from my ex-wife on issuing me with divorce papers! LOL.. 

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 25, 2024, 08:23:29 PMThe stigma associated with being transgender. Having to remain stealth, instead of being able to celebrate the fantastic transformation I have been through. There's also the nagging doubts about my voice, and when I talk to myself, my mind constantly deadnames me.

Still, I'm much better off now than I was before. The best decision I ever made was to finally set my soul free, free to become who I was meant to be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

What does being in stealth mean in your case Jess?  I thought you were very open about it.

Does it mean not talking about your past (dead life) or not being able to be yourself everyday?

Maybe it means something different to each person.  Maybe some think it means they have a closeted and not out in the public life?

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 27, 2024, 04:59:19 PMWhat does being in stealth mean in your case Jess?  I thought you were very open about it.

Does it mean not talking about your past (dead life) or not being able to be yourself everyday?

Maybe it means something different to each person.  Maybe some think it means they have a closeted and not out in the public life?

Chrissy

None of my neighbors know my history. I will tell medical personnel, but only if it's necessary. As a community mentor for a language therapy class at UAMS (Univ of Arkansas Medical School), I do 'out' myself, but only to the graduate students and their clients. I do not wear any jewelry, pins, or other items which would indicate my status -- no trans flags or other symbols.

Love always  -- Jessica Rose

Lets get something straight here - "stealth" is a horrible phrasing and makes out you are doing something covert or wrong - it weighs in with a huge load of guilt ..  we really should never use the word to describe someone going about and living their normal, daily life... People I meet on a day to day basis don't tell me all their medical issues or give me a complete rundown of where they have lived over the years.. They don't tell me their personal details, but they are not being 'stealth' about their history, they are simply being private.. A fundimental human right for everyone (Or it should be!). I don't share the horror of my childhood, the trauma I faced or the domestic violence my ex partner bestowed on me - neither do I talk about surgery or my gender.. There is no guilt here, just normality.

Quote from: SoupSarah on November 28, 2024, 09:03:17 PMPeople I meet on a day to day basis don't tell me all their medical issues

So true. And most cis-people will never experience the peril, which is GROWING, that we do in outing ourselves.

In general, telling someone your medical history would at most be considered 'too much information'. It may be interesting or boring, but the risk level of telling people you had a knee replacement is several orders of magnitude lower than telling them you are transgender. Most people don't care if you've had cataract surgery, but telling them you transitioned could result in anything from shunning all the way up to pitchforks and torches. Some would consider that information exceptionally important, when in reality it's only a footnote.

Love always  -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: SoupSarah on November 28, 2024, 09:03:17 PMLets get something straight here - "stealth" is a horrible phrasing and makes out you are doing something covert or wrong 

There is nothing wrong with the word "stealth", or "covert" for that mater. 

Stealth - is basically to "avoid attention" or to "not attract attention"

Covert - is basically "not openly shown" or "covered"

Both are adjectives that can be used to modify nouns to describe things.  Things that could be right or wrong.
I feel that in the context of controlling what we wish to share with others, being stealth, covert, and/or private are all acceptable practices.

Do what you feel is right for you.

Paulie. 

I do not make it a point to share with the general public anything about my transitioning.
If there seems to be some curiosity and not bashing, then I might disclose something but it is a rare occurrence.  For work it is known that I am transitioning but not yet changed my legal paperwork.  The surgeries or lack of them has not come up there; I am treated as a woman and that is satisfying.  When I do not pass people react in their own ways about that.  I do not like to draw attention to myself, I simply want to blend in.

Chrissy

Quote from: SoupSarah on November 28, 2024, 09:03:17 PMLets get something straight here - "stealth" is a horrible phrasing and makes out you are doing something covert or wrong - it weighs in with a huge load of guilt ..  we really should never use the word to describe someone going about and living their normal, daily life

I actually agree with this a lot. It's not about the word, it's about the emotional association with the word. And I've kind of always hated when people use it. Semantics don't really cover it. It's a really, really bad choice of word that does not reflect what most people for whom the word could be associated with are actually doing. Privacy. That's really all it is. And coming from a person who is intensely private about most of my life, I appreciate that a lot. If someone doesn't need to know something, why would you go out of your way to tell them? Even if there's this underlying current that gives you a gentle shock occasionally to make you feel you should?

But on the subject of the thread... waking up every morning. Does that count?

Transitioning can be hard.  It has its rewards and overall I am pleased that I have done what I did so far.

May your transition go wonderfully.

Chrissy

I am liking less and less the times when I think I need to and then do present as male.
One of these days I will just think it is completely unacceptable all the time to do this.

I suppose a woman who could wear guy's clothes if she wants to but she is not presenting as male, it is just the clothes that happen to be "male" in design. 

Not sure about that for me though as I love to wear my female clothes.  Maybe for outside or dirty work as stronger "male design" material has its benefits!

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 30, 2024, 08:58:35 PMNot sure about that for me though as I love to wear my female clothes.  Maybe for outside or dirty work as stronger "male design" material has its benefits!

I have one pair of men's jeans and a couple of flannel shirts that my dad gave me. I only wear them when I am mining for that very reason. I find them uncomfortable to wear but they are more durable and I don't want to get my good jeans all muddy or torn on sharp rocks. I only wear them in the summer but I am shopping for some women's jeans and shirts that I can wear as my "grubbies". That's what Thrift Shops are for.  ;D

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 30, 2024, 09:09:12 PMI have one pair of men's jeans and a couple of flannel shirts that my dad gave me. I only wear them when I am mining for that very reason. I find them uncomfortable to wear but they are more durable and I don't want to get my good jeans all muddy or torn on sharp rocks. I only wear them in the summer but I am shopping for some women's jeans and shirts that I can wear as my "grubbies". That's what Thrift Shops are for.  ;D

Consider trying some "boyfriend shirts" that are often flannel, they are oversized and somewhat tougher.  Or get some lady's Carthart or similar brand shirts at a rural or farm or tractor store, or wherever they are sold.  Got a lady's flannel plaid shirt for $10 on sale last November.  Warm and thick. 

Chrissy

Sometimes a long sleeve sweatshirt works fine too, they are generally thick and durable.

I do not want to get my pretty ones dirty though but I have a time worn sweatshirt!

Not good in hot weather though.

Chrissy

I have some well worn women's Levi's 501 jeans.  The material is the same (or very similar) to the men's 501's.  One pair of these has become my "grubby" jeans.  The women,s 501's have decent pockets too.

Back on the subject of the thread...

Up until about 2 months ago it was not being able to wear skirts out in public.  My situation just doesn't allow it at this time.

The "toughest on going thing" now, is that my breast have stopped hurting.  That most likely means that they are no longer growing and I'm not where I wan't to be yet.  I know that breast growth can go in spurts, so I still have hope.  This weighs on me daily. 

I did have a med change recently, and I'm going to give the new med some more time.  Then, who knows...

Paulie.

Voice. I got told I looked  good but sound like  a  bouncer! 

Hi Everyone

I haven't experienced any recurring issues or inhibitors, when changing my life around.  From the moment I began living as Sarah, I was always  moving forward without hesitation.  The only real concern I faced early on was worrying that someone might notice I was "different" the first time I presented as myself in public.  However, nothing happened, and that fear quickly faded.

Another significant worry came before my surgery.  I was terrified that, if arrested for any reason, I might face severe consequences in jail.  This fear lingered until my surgery was complete.

As for concepts like "stealth" or "passing," I never viewed myself as acting, deceiving, or lying about who I am.  I've always just been me.  Even when speaking about my past, I refer to myself confidently.  For example, saying, "When I was a little girl" or when asked questions like, "Have you ever been known by another name (forms)?" I simply reply, "No."

Knowing that the worst case scenario might be jail, I remain unbothered and continue to live my life regardless.  If people find out or claim my account of the past is wrong, I will deal with this situation accordingly.  I choose not to let it bother me or to put it another way, I'm not stressed out by it.

By choosing silence about certain aspects of my past, I've avoided countless potential consequences, from uncomfortable questions to judgement or discrimination.  This decision has allowed me to focus on living my life and sidestep situations, avoided issues or inhibitors that could have brought unnecessary complications.

Through this approach, I've learned to navigate challenges with resilience and found peace in simply being myself.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Quote from: Paulie on December 01, 2024, 12:35:48 AMThe "toughest on going thing" now, is that my breast have stopped hurting.  That most likely means that they are no longer growing and I'm not where I wan't to be yet.  I know that breast growth can go in spurts, so I still have hope.  This weighs on me daily. 

Paulie.

Paulie, that breast growth must be associated with pain is a myth. You can have pain with no growth, and growth with no pain, so please don't lose any sleep over it. So long as your estrogen is dominant, you will get whatever you are capable of getting.

Hugs,

Allie

Quote from: Allie Jayne on December 01, 2024, 09:24:48 PMPaulie, that breast growth must be associated with pain is a myth. You can have pain with no growth, and growth with no pain, so please don't lose any sleep over it. So long as your estrogen is dominant, you will get whatever you are capable of getting.

Hugs,

Allie

That's a good point, Allie. They change size for many reasons, not just hormones. Water retention or dehydration, weight gain or loss, etc.

@Paulie
Dear Paulie:
Please listen to the advice regarding breast size that was just posted in the replies by:
    @Allie Jayne  @big kim  @Sarah B  @Lori Dee

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on December 02, 2024, 12:57:24 AM@Paulie
Dear Paulie:
Please listen to the advice regarding breast size that was just posted in the replies by:
    @Allie Jayne  @big kim  @Sarah B  @Lori Dee

HUGS, Danielle

Thank you to everyone for the advice/encouragement.

My breasts had been tender for a good 12+ months and the growth and been slow but steady during that same time period.  I just assumed, that's the way it worked.  Especially since I haven't notice any change since the pain subsided.

I already have my lab slip and I'll have the blood work done later this week or next.  I'm due for my next check in towards the end of this month.  Hopefully my estrogen is still where it needs to be.

Paulie.

The hardest thing is that as my transition goes on me being transgender only ever comes up in dealing with my work. So while I'm accepted as a woman more and more throughout society, it feels as though I will never escape the label of being the transgender teacher. Kind of annoying.

Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 02, 2024, 09:46:08 PMThe hardest thing is that as my transition goes on me being transgender only ever comes up in dealing with my work. So while I'm accepted as a woman more and more throughout society, it feels as though I will never escape the label of being the transgender teacher. Kind of annoying.

Kelly,

I realize this can be annoying.  Not sure on how to remove that label. 
It may simply be something that is persistent and annoying. 

Chrissy

I wish my voice was unmistakably female sounding.

Some famous transgender MTFs have rather male sounding voices so I am not alone.

I suppose this voice and speaking difference is another way humans were made, it is part of our genes.

Drats!


Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on December 04, 2024, 08:21:45 PMDrats!

My sentiments exactly.

The toughest on going thing? Acceptance from one of my sisters.

This is the sister that when I was down there one time I got dragged into a therapy session with the whole family and she told me I was ruining her life because she didn't think anyone would marry her if she had a trans person as a brother.

When she was getting married she invited my youngest sister into the bridal party but she didn't invite me. I got the regular invitation. I asked her why and she said very hurtful things so I refused to go.

When I was visiting my parents for Christmas I remember meeting her husband for the first time.

My mom asked me not to wear a dress before I got there so I wouldn't upset my sister. So what did I do? I showed up in my Victoria Secret purple strapless dress a matching heels to accent my ankles with my hair in a French Twist. I figured screw my sister. This dress has always been a favorite of mine because it gives a nice view of cleavage and with the right pushed bra looks amazing.

I got her husbands attention right away and was as girly as possible before my sister was in the house. He didn't even know who I was but he was and assumed I was a friend of the family visiting. I was still mad about being snubbed by them. When my Mom introduced him to me formally and he realized who I was he looked at my high school photo of me in my uniform from NJROTC and the switch flipped. It didn't matter that I pass visually and have a feminine voice. I hate that damn photo! But at least there it was no hiding it and acting all polite while making snide comments behind my back anymore.

Thankfully I don't  live in Georgia and I am stealth so I mostly just deal with glass ceiling and mansplaining issues but it sucks going down to visit my parents and having to act like I don't hate my sisters guts around my parents.

My sisters in laws are more accepting although the probing questions for a few hours when we first met. Did you have surgery on the face? No. How is that possible you look like a girl? How are you speaking like a girl? Don't still have your ... well you know?

It really made me feel like a lab rat but it ended with one of them saying you're not at all what I expected. When I asked what she expected she said a guy in a dress with a 5 o'clock shadow strutting around. Clearly my sister had done nothing to actually help me before hand.

Okay, I have 2:

First, was coming out to my wife (CIS,F) Her initial response was shock, then a total meltdown, the "I married a man, not a woman" response. We went through a couple months of silence about it, then one day she asked me to show her all the items I had purchased, clothing, shoes, makeup, etc. She got into therapy (I was already going) and we gradually got to the point where we could talk about "it." Me going on Estrogen begin to make a difference. My anger, anxiety began to fade and my general temperament improved dramatically. Fast forward a year, our marriage is in the best place it has been in years. She has encouraged me to find a trans support group, and this week told me, "I'm so happy for you that you have found and embraced who you are inside." We hugged and both cried.

My second most difficult event was a couple of months ago going to the dermatologist for my semi-annual skin check up. I had been on hormones for a year, and had developed nice B+ cup breasts. All went well when the nurse called me in, until she handed me the gown and said, "you know the drill, open in the back and everything off but your underwear. I took the gown, and thought, Oh, 💩!!! No one other than my wife had seen me topless in over a year. I took the gown, stripped to the bare minimum, and sat down thinking what I would tell the female PA when she came in. When she did, I told her, I was a little embarrassed as my chest had grown, and she didn't miss a beat, "Oh, you have gynacomastia, it's pretty common. I blurted out, "Yes, yes, that's it!" And then, "I'm transgender and on estrogen!" She didn't respond at all, continued with the exam and when she came around to check my chest out, put her hand on my shoulder, told me it was okay, just to relax. She continued the exam, a bit more gingerly than usual, when she finished, she patted me on the back, smiled and said, "it's all going to be okay." Professional and caring, reassuring and nonjudgmental. She turned what could have been hurtful and painful in to validation.

Quote from: LisaJenn on December 06, 2024, 06:14:12 PMMy second most difficult event was a couple of months ago going to the dermatologist for my semi-annual skin check up. I had been on hormones for a year, and had developed nice B+ cup breasts. All went well when the nurse called me in, until she handed me the gown and said, "you know the drill, open in the back and everything off but your underwear. I took the gown, and thought, Oh, 💩!!! No one other than my wife had seen me topless in over a year. I took the gown, stripped to the bare minimum, and sat down thinking what I would tell the female PA when she came in. When she did, I told her, I was a little embarrassed as my chest had grown, and she didn't miss a beat, "Oh, you have gynacomastia, it's pretty common. I blurted out, "Yes, yes, that's it!" And then, "I'm transgender and on estrogen!" She didn't respond at all, continued with the exam and when she came around to check my chest out, put her hand on my shoulder, told me it was okay, just to relax. She continued the exam, a bit more gingerly than usual, when she finished, she patted me on the back, smiled and said, "it's all going to be okay." Professional and caring, reassuring and nonjudgmental. She turned what could have been hurtful and painful in to validation.

Oh wow. It's so great that you and your wife have managed to stay together and she is supportive. That is rare.

I don't know if I would have been able to keep seeing the same doctor while transitioning. You have bravery and tenacity. I'm glad it worked out. ;D

Getting started with electrolysis for my face, constant back and forth yes, no, yes, no debates with my male side.

His argument is that I'll be just fine with temporarily hair removal methods.

Exhausting, but so far I've been winning this internal struggle in other areas.

I need this done because I am ready to go out fully dressed as Lilis in a elegant, knee high, black pencil dress.

Away with him, already 😝

Quote from: NatalieRene on December 06, 2024, 06:54:31 PMOh wow. It's so great that you and your wife have managed to stay together and she is supportive. That is rare.

I don't know if I would have been able to keep seeing the same doctor while transitioning. You have bravery and tenacity. I'm glad it worked out. ;D

-I have to say, that being on hormones made such a difference in me. I have combat related PTSD, and E did more for me than any med did. My wife realized I was the same person inside I have always been, just a new and improved version! 😎 We both realized how deep our love is. 💜

- I've been seeing this PA at my Derm for almost 10 years. We're both distance runners and talk a lot about the ups and downs of training, and have seen each other at a lot of local races. There's always been an 'attraction tension' between us, but we both respect the boundaries, so I didn't have a second thought about seeing her. Of course I never thought about totally disrobing when I went to see her! 🤗 I'm MUCH more comfortable with female providers. My Primary Care doc (Fem)is very accepting, also.

@LisaJenn
Dear LJ:
I noticed in your recent posting here on this thread that you had mentioned
that you have "combat related PTSD" ...which makes me believe that you are either
current Military or a Military Veteran.

We have a dedicated sub-forum board especially for our many members like yourself.
If you feel so inclined, please find your way to:
                    Military Veterans Confab
          https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,547.0.html

Also if you wish, you can see who our other Military members are, and introduce yourself
on the following LINK: 
             
      Click here first !!! Welcome to ALL presently Serving and Veteran Military members
                      https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247181.0.html 


Warmest Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator
                              US AirForce Veteran... served right after college.
                                    1st Lt   First Lieutenant
                              Much of that time at Lackland Air Force Base in San Antonio, Texas
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cc: @Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B

Quote from: LisaJenn on December 07, 2024, 08:09:25 AM-I have to say, that being on hormones made such a difference in me. I have combat related PTSD, and E did more for me than any med did. My wife realized I was the same person inside I have always been, just a new and improved version! 😎 We both realized how deep our love is. 💜

- I've been seeing this PA at my Derm for almost 10 years. We're both distance runners and talk a lot about the ups and downs of training, and have seen each other at a lot of local races. There's always been an 'attraction tension' between us, but we both respect the boundaries, so I didn't have a second thought about seeing her. Of course I never thought about totally disrobing when I went to see her! 🤗 I'm MUCH more comfortable with female providers. My Primary Care doc (Fem)is very accepting, also.

Quote from: LisaJenn on December 07, 2024, 08:09:25 AM-I have to say, that being on hormones made such a difference in me. I have combat related PTSD, and E did more for me than any med did. My wife realized I was the same person inside I have always been, just a new and improved version! 😎 We both realized how deep our love is. 💜

- I've been seeing this PA at my Derm for almost 10 years. We're both distance runners and talk a lot about the ups and downs of training, and have seen each other at a lot of local races. There's always been an 'attraction tension' between us, but we both respect the boundaries, so I didn't have a second thought about seeing her. Of course I never thought about totally disrobing when I went to see her! 🤗 I'm MUCH more comfortable with female providers. My Primary Care doc (Fem)is very accepting, also.

That's great. We rarely actually change. It's the shell that adjusts but we are still ourselves. I was more outgoing after going full time so yeah there is that but it was always me. I'm glad your wife could see it was still you.

It's funny because my endocrinologist was an older gentleman and so was the surgeon who did my bottom surgery. I go to planned parenthood for my hormones now though since they are way closer. So female doctors there but I never really thought about it much.

Having had hip replacement a few days ago. And being postop female. The nurse says strip and wipe with these disinfecting wipes. I had just got undressed and the surgeon comes to the door and asks if he can come in and talk to me. I tell him I'm naked and he responds with He is going to see it all in a few minutes anyway. Ok then. As we talk, he is unable to look away from my vagina. Finally he says would you mind covering up for me. I loved it, My body made the doctor uncomfortable!

Quote from: Paulie on November 29, 2024, 09:38:14 PMThere is nothing wrong with the word "stealth", or "covert" for that mater. 

Stealth - is basically to "avoid attention" or to "not attract attention"

Covert - is basically "not openly shown" or "covered"

Both are adjectives that can be used to modify nouns to describe things.  Things that could be right or wrong.
I feel that in the context of controlling what we wish to share with others, being stealth, covert, and/or private are all acceptable practices.

Do what you feel is right for you.

Paulie. 

I totally agree, although I'm not fond of the word ''stealth'' it does mean avoiding unnecessary and hurtful attention, none of my neighbors are aware of my situation, myself and my husband are just another married couple, I'm basially living ''stealth'' as a married woman, I occasionally see my neighbors at the local grocery store or the hair salon getting my hair done, they smile and say hello, to them I'm just another boring mundane housewife grocery shopping and basically doing what women do.
Hubby works for a large firm and they have their annual Christmas party every year, wives and partners are invited, myself and hubby go every year and it's a great night, they don't know I'm trans but see and accept me as a woman, I'm just another work colleague wife, and that's the way we want to keep it, sometimes ''stealth'' is our only option, I don't think my husband could handle the pressure, reaction and ridicule from ignorant people and the cruel comments and gossip I can only imagine ''OMG Mark's gorgeous beautiful wife Pauline was born a guy and used to be a man'' That would hurt us dreadfully so we won't go there.
Anyway the Christmas party is next Saturday night, I'II get my hair and makeup done, pick out a nice outfit dress to wear and enjoy the night with my husband and being a happily married woman, my personal history is my own business.

Quote from: Gina P on December 07, 2024, 02:50:18 PMHaving had hip replacement a few days ago. And being postop female. The nurse says strip and wipe with these disinfecting wipes. I had just got undressed and the surgeon comes to the door and asks if he can come in and talk to me. I tell him I'm naked and he responds with He is going to see it all in a few minutes anyway. Ok then. As we talk, he is unable to look away from my vagina. Finally he says would you mind covering up for me. I loved it, My body made the doctor uncomfortable!

Isn't that the truth. Most guys cannot control their wandering eyes. Cannot have the doctor thinking with his little brain.

Reoccurring comments from people close to me.

All of these comments are negative and have an intervention agenda.  I love my wife and she has been my best friend.  She is an incredible person and partner.  However she is totally against recognizing my true gender. As she provides our insurance she has stopped payments to therapy. Parting ways would be an end to my financial security.  Retirement, housing, loss of medical insurance, and savings would be hard to adjust.  I have hand tremors that prevent me from ending retirement and going back in the workforce.  My keyboard skills are incredibly slow. I was in construction all my life and I now struggle with any hand tasks. My finger constantly massages the throttle or trigger on tools.  So in summary my hardest ongoing struggle is putting myself on hold and continually living as a male. The things in life that I enjoy are stopped.  Return of body hair, missing delicate fabrics, jewelry, clothing,.... putting all those things aside that I enjoy so much has been harder than I could imagine.  I am still secure in who I am and physical things will not change that.

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 09, 2024, 09:41:38 AMReoccurring comments from people close to me.

All of these comments are negative and have an intervention agenda.  I love my wife and she has been my best friend.  She is an incredible person and partner.  However she is totally against recognizing my true gender. As she provides our insurance she has stopped payments to therapy. Parting ways would be an end to my financial security.  Retirement, housing, loss of medical insurance, and savings would be hard to adjust.  I have hand tremors that prevent me from ending retirement and going back in the workforce.  My keyboard skills are incredibly slow. I was in construction all my life and I now struggle with any hand tasks. My finger constantly massages the throttle or trigger on tools.  So in summary my hardest ongoing struggle is putting myself on hold and continually living as a male. The things in life that I enjoy are stopped.  Return of body hair, missing delicate fabrics, jewelry, clothing,.... putting all those things aside that I enjoy so much has been harder than I could imagine.  I am still secure in who I am and physical things will not change that.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and after you spent yourself to build your life together.

hugs

Quote from: MsLeigh on December 09, 2024, 09:41:38 AMI have hand tremors that prevent me from ending retirement and going back in the workforce.  My keyboard skills are incredibly slow. I was in construction all my life and I now struggle with any hand tasks.

That does make things difficult, but not impossible. True, you may have limits that prevent you from doing physical labor, but your mind has no such limits. Consider using all that experience to work as a consultant or an instructor. When I first became disabled due to a neck injury, I was with the Electrician's Union (IBEW). I worked as an instructor in their apprenticeship program teaching first-year apprentices about basic electricity, use of tools, OSHA, and other skills they would need on their way to becoming Journeymen.

Perhaps, this is something you could do (or something similar) to help stabilize your financial situation. It could work out so that you have more independence. That would put you in a position to be able to evaluate what you want to do without being held hostage (figuratively speaking). It is very difficult to feel happy and free while under the control of others. This is especially true when the controller is unsympathetic to your needs.

The flip side of that is that if you two were able to work things out, maybe she becomes more understanding of how this is affecting you, the extra income can't hurt. I truly hope things can work out for you.

Taking each step forward has been tough to some degree, wondering if I should or not.
So far, I think it has been fine overall.

I love being a woman, as I always have been; but, in the wrong body and social situations growing up.

Chrissy

Realizing I was transgender at first. Good thing is I live a much happier life as my true self, the person before me is dead and gone for good that was unhappy.

Okay so I am really thinking about big things as we start of the year.  While you may not agree:

Relationships may be the toughest thing.  They are quite complex.  Sure, there is the other person too, it is not just YOUR responsibility but we need to do our part, right?

I think that relationships are highly important and should be nourished, and never put on the back seat.  As one goes through life, what is more important than that, other than your relationship with God? 

Job?          NO, see Finances below
Finances?  NO, other you need to have enough for living
Sports?      NO
Your car?   NO
Hobbies?   NO
Vacation?  NO
Power?      NO
Sleep and rest and proper nutrition?  Well you cannot ignore that. You need to recharge, to try to stay healthy.


So as we transition, or even we are not going any further, it is so important to socialize, to interact, to give your time, to have a mentor, to mentor, to listen, to help, to continue to learn, to encourage, to have good relationships, to ask for forgiveness if you have done wrong, and if we are lucky enough, to share love.  That seems to me to be true for everyone, not just us who are or who have transitioned.

Chrissy

What has been the toughest ongoing or recurring thing about your transition?
For me it was my on going failed gender surgery, each time it failed i had to go back to a gender Identity Clinic, that meant turning up in role, which i will never forgive them for doing that to me, eventually my surgery was corrected with what was called coloplasty, which has its good and bad points, the good is it self lubricates and does not need dilation, the bad it sometimes over lubricates!! but at least i am clear of gender clinics and able to lead my own life and dress how i feel

My daughter. After my parents passed away, she was all that stood in my way of beginning to be who I am. As it turns out, much of that was my fault; it has taken her two years to begin to accept my 'queerness'. If I had told her ten years ago, I would be eight years closer to who I am.