Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello, I'm Sophie, I'm 36 years old, and this is my first time discovering a forum like this. I'm here looking for support, information, or maybe even a few friends. My situation is a bit delicate, and I hope, and believe, I'll find others in a similar situation. I have two children, and I'm getting married in a few months.

I've been transforming into a woman for years, in my own way, and I dream of many things: looking like Cinderella when she goes to the ball, improving myself to appear more feminine, perfecting my technique, whether it's eyeliner or eyeshadow. My wife doesn't know, and I don't want her to. I'm playing a very dangerous game, but I'm at a point in my life where I refuse to let go of my dreams.

For now, my plan is to use my work-from-home day each week to learn, one hour per week, how to do my makeup and embrace my femininity. The rest, we'll see... What do you think?  :)

I'm looking to exchange advice or simply meet people who understand what I'm going through.

Sophie

Hello Sophie,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. Our members come from all over the world and have a wide range of experiences. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

I think you will find that we have many members here who are in a similar situation. One of the things that can help you is to find a therapist with experience in gender identities. They can help by explaining what you are experiencing, answering any questions you might have, and being a friendly face to talk to when you need it.

We have a sub-forum specifically for Significant Others (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,26.0.html) where spouses and partners share their experiences while involved in a committed relationship. Perhaps their stories can help you too.

I know that you don't want her to know right now, but remember that the strongest relationships are built on honesty and trust. Some partners turn out to be very accepting because they truly love their partner. Others become concerned about how their relationship might look to others (family, friends, etc.). A therapist can help you figure out the best way to handle the situation and will probably even be open to having you both in session to help answer questions that each of you might have.

And of course, you are free to read and comment in any of the forums too.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

I will add some links here that are important for new members. Pay special attention to the links in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and add an avatar to your profile.

Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@SophieMaidFr64
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

@SophieMaidFr64
Dear Sophie:
I have noticed that you have just registered today as a new member and
this is your very first posting here on the Introductions Board... it is nice to meet you.
All of us on the Forum are very glad that you found us and that you are now here.

Here on the Forum we have members coming from all backgrounds and with a variety of experiences.

I am wishing you a Warm Welcome to Susan's Place!

I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your
future postings, comments and thoughts.

I will now let you get back to getting involved in the various conversations around
the Forum... there should be some additional like-minded members coming along
to greet you and to help answer any questions that you may have.

Warmest Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  E-Mail: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
The Forum Administrator
      cc: @Sarah B
                  @LoriDee

Hi!


Welcome Sophie!


Chrissy

Welcome Aboard Sophie!!! 🇫🇷

You will absolutely find understanding and many common threads with the stories of other forum members here and a wealth of experience to draw upon...

Since you asked "what do you think?"... I will say this... It sounds like there is a part of you screaming for expression and demanding you take a bit closer look at what it all truly means and where you truly need to be to find fullfillment... I would offer you this thought right now... Please read... and... re-read, what @Lori Dee wrote... we can often cling to the familiar just as our life is getting ready to undergo a lot of change because of the fears we often attach to change... the best relationships ARE built on honesty and this "dangerous game" needn't be that... it is okay in life to let off the gas pedal until we figure out what the actual destination is!

I wish you only the best as you figure out what the best path is to the life that will best serve the needs of the person within... I promise you that your answers to that question will be worth all your efforts to find!

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Hello Sophie

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

It is wonderful to have you here and I appreciate you sharing your story very much. This forum is a great place to find support, advice and understanding from others who have walked similar paths.

Sophie I can see that you are reaching out for support and I want to address some serious concerns in what you have shared.  You are in a complicated situation and the choices you make now will have lasting consequences for you, your fiancée and your children.

The biggest issue is that you are keeping this a secret from your fiancée.  Marriage is built on trust and you are preparing to make a lifelong commitment to someone who does not know the full truth about you.  That is not just a minor omission it is a fundamental part of who you are.  You need to tell your partner and I would suggest you read this story (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,248340.msg2272948.html#msg2272948).  Especially the part where it says, "TELL HER THE TRUTH."  If she finds out later whether by accident or because you reach a point where you can no longer suppress this, the damage will be far worse than if you had been honest from the beginning.

You also believe that you can contain this to one hour per week as if that will be enough. But I can tell you from what I know that is not how this works.  Feelings about femininity do not fade over time they become stronger.  Maybe you think an hour per week is enough right now but what happens when it is not?  What happens when you find yourself wanting more?  If you have no plan for that moment you risk being caught in a situation where you are forced to make choices without control over the outcome.

Take my case for instance.  My feelings during the years 1980 to 1989 grew stronger and stronger and what I did during those years increased.  Until finally in February 1989 I changed my life around.

Your children are another factor you may not have fully considered.  Right now you are focused on keeping this hidden but have you thought about how this secrecy might affect them?  Children notice more than we realize and if they discover this in an unexpected way they may feel confused or betrayed.  Have you thought about whether you will ever tell them?  If so how?  You are creating a situation where the truth may come out under circumstances you cannot control.

Then there is the emotional toll of living a double life.  Keeping a secret this big creates stress guilt and exhaustion.  The longer you suppress this the harder it will become and I have read too many stories about people reach a breaking point because they ignored the warning signs.  To help you move forward I would suggest connecting with a gender therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist or counsellor.  They can help you work through your thoughts and untangle all those "what ifs."  These professionals can provide valuable insights into your feelings assist you in understanding your identity and guide you in figuring out the next steps if any that feel right for you.

Right now you are stepping into something without a clear long term plan.  You have said, "The rest we'll see..." but that kind of uncertainty is dangerous when dealing with something this personal and life changing.  If you do not take control of your situation now you may be forced to deal with it on someone else's terms whether that is your wife's, your children's or life pushing you into a corner.

Sophie I know you feel like you are balancing between two worlds trying to hold on to both.  But secrecy is not a sustainable solution in your case.  The longer you avoid making a decision the more complicated and painful the outcome will be.  You need to think carefully about what you truly want and how you will handle this before it spirals into something beyond your control.

In answer to your question, "What do you think?"  It is not about what I think. The real question is, what do you truly want in your life?  Only you can answer that and only you can decide what path is right for you.

I am glad you found your way here and I hope you find the support and conversations you are looking for.  Looking forward to seeing you around Susan's.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@SophieMaidFr64

Wow! Thank you all so much—I wasn't expecting so much support and so many stories so quickly. Your perspectives are really helping me.

Actually, I lived with a woman for 10 years, and she left me, largely because of all this. I don't blame her, and I understand. But I really hear what you're all saying—a therapist seems like a great idea because I do need to talk about it.

A year ago, I grew really close to a friend, and little by little, I started telling her the truth about myself. I told her that I love pink, that I adore big bows on the backs of dresses... And the day she said to me, "I think deep down, you're a princess," I realized just how much I loved hearing those words and how deeply they touched me.

Today, she knows I'm working on my makeup skills, and she encourages me to never give up on my dreams (this girl is amazing! :D). That said, I have two kids, and I understand that a long-term relationship is built on trust, so I know I'll have to take things very slowly.

I found the links you shared really interesting, by the way. And yes, the more you try to suppress something, the stronger the desire becomes (just yesterday, I hid a huge puffy petticoat I found on AliExpress...).

Thank you all for the warm welcome—you're amazing! :)

Hi Sophie and welcome,

First, congratulations on reaching an honest understanding and acceptance of who you are. That's a basic but stunningly important step, because if we don't learn to accept ourselves, how can we ask others to do so?

Your friend sounds like she'll be a great help, so make sure she knows how much you value her support. It's tough that your other relationship worked out as it did, but often we're not sure who we when we make our first partnerships because it can take decades to work out we're where we are on the trans spectrum. So you're not alone there.

A therapist is an excellent idea, especially one who has experience of trans issue. It can take quite a lot of effort to become accepting of ourselves, because we have 'gender police' built into our heads as we grow up and wow, do they take some shaking off when they're tailing you. You've got lots of positives in your life, so enjoy it!