Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I just received this in email from a friend. Thought I'ld share it here.


Q) OK so why does he crossdress? Aren't I enough woman for him?

A) First of all this is not your fault. In fact it really has nothing to do with you, though it will affect you. This has been with him for a lot longer than he's been with you.

Q) So when did he start dressing up?

A) He probably started dressing as a child or in his teens. In a very few cases it can start later.

Q) Why did he start?

A) Probably out of a sense of childlike curiosity. With some, their sisters or a baby sitter may have dressed them up as girls either for fun or punishment. With some it is purely a fantasy. Dressing can relieve the stress involved in living up to the perceived male role model as a tough, problem solver. The slightest deviation from
this role may lead to a feeling of temporary inadequacy. Pretending to be a girl gives a release from male peer pressures. When the dressing is completed the CD feels much calmer and more able to face his role.

Q) Is there sex involved?

A) Yes In the beginning especially as a teenager experimenting with self gratification. Probably less as a crossdresser grows older to being nonexistent by middle age.

Q) We're very close. Why didn't he tell me before we were married?

A) Crossdressing often times slows down as one grows into their twenties. Diminishing to partial dressing or stopping completely in what is called Purging. New loves and relationships make dressing quickly fade into the background and stop completely making the CD even think they are cured. This is most likely when you met.

Q) Why did his dressing come back?

A) In the mid twenties and later socioeconomic pressures start to surface. Children, a mortgage, 2 cars, and education worries can contribute. Probably the biggest factor though is his job. Career matters at work intensify as peers are promoted even including him. Pressures of family life and loosing the newness of a relationship all
contribute. Don't forget that socially at least most men feels the buck stops with them and they often take complete responsibility for many problems.


As the stress builds up he remembers that crossdressing always relieved pressure in the past. Why not now? He dresses and it works, the stress is relieved and so is he.

Q) Is he Gay?

A) No, not usually. They are men at all other times when they are not dressed.

Q) Does he take hormones and want to change his sex?

A) In almost all cases no. In very few instances do men advance unless they are latent Transsexuals. That warrants an entire different set of FAQ's.

Q) Can I make him stop?

A) This is probably the worst thing you can do. Forcing him to stop and purge his feminine side could have disastrous consequences. Most likely he would binge later on with the crossdressing urge even stronger. Besides his pressure will still be there.

Q) So what can I do?

A) Plenty. Compromise is the key from BOTH parties. After all you are hurt and probably shocked. This is a lot to absorb. Realize that neither of you is to blame.
He is terrified right now of loosing you or that you'll tell someone.

Reassure him of your love. You are going to need to give him some time to allow him to spend time at his hobby behind closed doors. Remember, it is a stress reliever for him. If you don't want him
to touch your clothing tell him so. He needs to respect that but you will need to help him get his own things. Catalogs work for most if you don't want to shop with him.


He may want to join a crossdressers club where he can dress freely. You should find a support group where you can talk to other wives with your same problem. If you've found a bitter group you are in the wrong place. You need understanding, not militancy.

Q) What do I gain if I let him crossdress?

A) You actually both have much to gain. After so many years in the closet he is finally free to be himself. Benefits are less stress, better health, New found creativity, thoughtfullness and appreciation.

Q) What about my rights?

A) Fortunately there are guidlines for both Wives and Crossdressers. It is called the Bill of Rights for Wives and Crossdressers. Remember these are guidlines. They can be added to or subtracted from. Everything is negotiable.

Q) Ok I've let him be himself now all he wants to do is Crossdress.

A) Many crossdressers are compulsive by nature. Finally free to be himslef new crossdressers often become like kids in a candy store. You may have to nudge him back to reality. Simply state that you miss the man you love. Tell him you'd like to see that man a little more often. If he has trouble have him see a psychiatrist about anti-compulsion prescription drugs.

Q) What are our chances?

A) Very Good actually. It is rare for a marriage to end because of crossdressing. This of course not the case if your husband is really Transsexual

Peggiann,

This is a wonderful post.  So very much of what you have written is so true.

One thing I would like to add regarding why a spouse may not be told early on.  Denial.  I know with me there was a Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde, if you will.  I went through more splurge & purges than you can shake a back account at!  I didn't accept myself until I went to a Halloween party totally en fem.  This was done by a professional stylist.  When I saw myself in the mirror as a woman, my Hyde could no longer be hidden.  She had a face.  She had a name.  She had a look.  SHe had a life.

I have a life.

Chaunte

Quote from: Peggiann on February 28, 2006, 10:35:01 AM


Q) What do I gain if I let him crossdress?

A) You actually both have much to gain. After so many years in the closet he is finally free to be himself. Benefits are less stress, better health, New found creativity, thoughtfullness and appreciation.

And if you are the same size you can borrow his clothes! ;)
If not... there is still accessories: Scarfs, jewellery, handbags, make-up etc...   :laugh:

LL&R
Maebh

I love this post. My heart goes out to women who must deal with this situation and I greatly admire those of you who do it successfully. I have a suggestion, though, regarding dealing with "compulsive" behavior of this sort. I cannot imagine that drugs and imposed rules are the long-run solution. At some point, the "crossdresser" must come to terms not only with his femininity, but with his masculinity as well. I think the compulsion arises from feeling the social need to live in the masculine role while he also desires the feminine. I had to come to terms with the fact that I genuinely desired expression of my masculinity as well as my femininity, though not at the same times. It almost might have been easier to decide to be a woman all of the time. It's not easy being bigendered. Rather than trying to restrict myself, I've come to terms with the need to express both. I now fully realize I enjoy my manhood for certain times and situations and prefer may womanhood for others.
A bigenderist might need to go through a "binge" period of being a woman "too much" before coming to terms with this. I would say it would be best for a spouse to give him space to find his/her balance of gender identity.

Most guys just wanna outlet to express their feminine side.

When my wife found out that I wear women's clothes, she was shocked at first. as time passed she became accepting of some aspects of my dressing. It's strange but we share skirts, blouses, and pullovers. I wear panties and tops, but when I wore a skirt she didn't like it. I know what she can handle so I don't force it on her. While not totally accepting, she doesn't stop me from what I do now. We both paint our toenails and I got my ears pierced a month ago.

It can be tough on the wives but it doesn't have to be.  I told my wife that she's the one that I love when I was busted. After 27 years of marriage we still have fun and tease one another.

Gennee   

:)

Quote from: ZachP on April 03, 2007, 11:05:24 PM
Most guys just wanna outlet to express their feminine side.

I agree with you there, Zach.

Gennee

Quote from: Lyric on April 03, 2007, 12:24:41 PM
I love this post. My heart goes out to women who must deal with this situation and I greatly admire those of you who do it successfully. I have a suggestion, though, regarding dealing with "compulsive" behavior of this sort. I cannot imagine that drugs and imposed rules are the long-run solution. At some point, the "crossdresser" must come to terms not only with his femininity, but with his masculinity as well. I think the compulsion arises from feeling the social need to live in the masculine role while he also desires the feminine. I had to come to terms with the fact that I genuinely desired expression of my masculinity as well as my femininity, though not at the same times. It almost might have been easier to decide to be a woman all of the time. It's not easy being bigendered. Rather than trying to restrict myself, I've come to terms with the need to express both. I now fully realize I enjoy my manhood for certain times and situations and prefer my womanhood for others.
A bigenderist might need to go through a "binge" period of being a woman "too much" before coming to terms with this. I would say it would be best for a spouse to give him space to find his/her balance of gender identity.

You said it! Very, very perceptive! That's where lies distinction between CD/TV and TS. They're 2 sets of totaly different needs, both needing to be understood and accepted in their diversity. It is why a forum like this where each one can explore, find out and come to term with who they really are is so important

HLLL&R

Maebh

I do need some help.  My husband visits the sites and others but will not discuss things with me. He also went to telephone sex with strangers, men and women.
All i want to know is what is real betueen us. in the last 7 years he has had sex with me once.
He always says I am the love of his life. He is very good to me,
What is going on. What should I do

Quote from: DJ on September 04, 2007, 09:59:36 AM
I do need some help.  My husband visits the sites and others but will not discuss things with me. He also went to telephone sex with strangers, men and women.
All i want to know is what is real betueen us. in the last 7 years he has had sex with me once.
He always says I am the love of his life. He is very good to me,
What is going on. What should I do

Hi There:

Okay here's my 6 cents.  By seeking gratification by turning away from the marriage then this is an issue.  An affair is an affair is an affair.  He will always say your are the love of his life, because you are who he knows, who he can depend on...and so on.  So why end a good thing.  Some may not like this term but it's the game they play, wanting it all but yet holding onto their security blanket, not wanting to loose it.  So the envelope gets pushed as far as they can without going over the edge

What you need to be asking yourself is this.  "Is this what I need". "Is this a good relationship for me".   Here's another way to put it.  Currently this is your normal, it maybe all you know and you are trying like heck to hold on to whatever this relationship is, it is your normal.  But you need to be selfish about this, after all you are important as well, what is it that you want out of this marriage.  Is having sex once in 7 years enough, do you want to have sex with him?  And of course he's good to you, but look at that honestly; he's had an affair (albeit phone sex), does he truly give you what to need/crave, do you have a truly loving relationship.

These are all hard questions that you really need to ask yourself.  Don't be afraid of the answers, they will make you strong.

After living with TS issues (no offense Steph) I realize now that I was just in front of a freight train and there was no way on God's green earth that I was going to be able to stop it.  I did try to, believe me.  But you come to the realization that this is not for me, this in no way says that you are not supportive, this is not the case at all. But sometimes loving someone means having to let them go. Life is short and everyone (including you) deserves a shot at happiness.

My first post is sometime - hope I haven't offended some of you.

Gill

Gill,
   No offense taken here. An affair is just what it is, an affair. You can call it anyway you want it to, but it is still an affair.
Sheila

I'm in tears as I write.  Never been on a chat line...don't even know how to post...tells the reader how desperate I am for support.  Have been dealing with this issue that my husband wants kept secret, by myself and as a result cry myself to sleep every night, and, fankly I don't know why...why the knowledge that my handsom, verile, love of my life, is a crossdresser, something he said he'd kicked eight years ago, but with the advent of our relationship a year ago is now doing every day (i.e wearing pantyhose and night gowns).  I'm so hurt and disappointed I can even look at his picture let alone want to be touched by him.  Before he returned to his CD ways, I couldn't wait for us to have sex..not any more...it sucked the wind right out of my sails.  The thing is, I love him..don't want to hurt him so it is he doesn't know I cry all the time.  My issue isn't a religious one, and I'm not prejudice in regards to sexal fetishes as long as I'm not asked to be involved.  I live in a very small town on the edge of the horizon.  No support groups, or library for that matter.  My husband and I are 50 and 55.  I knew he was a CD before I married him.  Thought I could handle it. Whats wrong with me???

OK, you can tell by my reputation rating that I'm not exactly in the top ten list, still....

Secrets suck.  Finding them out, its even worse.  Tragically, some people in here will only find that out too late, as its the lying, not the truth, that hold sway in the long run.

Does it really matter to you that he is wearing pink and white lace and not tightly whities to get hard?  Enjoy what you get - no matter how you get it.

Honey child, we all think we can handle things until they show up in our lives.  I've gone through several girlfriends, and one wife, who thought they could take it.  And I'm not talking about dressing up, I'm talking about my job.

It's not just pressure, I like to dress up when I feel good too.  It's not always a 'feeling bad' deal.

Look.  Some people like to feel pretty.  Its not a guy or gal thing, its a human deal.  I know plenty of each who hate to do it, other who can't wait.  If you husband/BF likes to look good, ain't that better than the other option?

Quote from: toto on March 16, 2008, 08:48:53 PM
I'm in tears as I write.  Never been on a chat line...don't even know how to post...tells the reader how desperate I am for support.  Have been dealing with this issue that my husband wants kept secret, by myself and as a result cry myself to sleep every night, and, fankly I don't know why...why the knowledge that my handsom, virile, love of my life, is a crossdresser, something he said he'd kicked eight years ago, but with the advent of our relationship a year ago is now doing every day (i.e wearing pantyhose and night gowns).  I'm so hurt and disappointed I can even look at his picture let alone want to be touched by him.  Before he returned to his CD ways, I couldn't wait for us to have sex..not any more...it sucked the wind right out of my sails.  The thing is, I love him..don't want to hurt him so it is he doesn't know I cry all the time.  My issue isn't a religious one, and I'm not prejudice in regards to sexal fetishes as long as I'm not asked to be involved.  I live in a very small town on the edge of the horizon.  No support groups, or library for that matter.  My husband and I are 50 and 55.  I knew he was a CD before I married him.  Thought I could handle it. Whats wrong with me???

Hi Toto I don't think there is anything wrong with you.. You love him so much and you try so hard, on your own, to understand and accept him. Hopefully coming to this site will break the isolation and help lift up the burden of fears, confusions and frustrations.
You say you don't want to hurt him but don't you think he needs to know how you feel? Healthy and strong relationships are about honesty. If he doesn't know how much his CDism is hurting you how can he try to come to a mutual agreement you both feel ok about? He might needs to be as patient with you as you have been with him. Then you'll know he loves you and that knowledge might give you more confidence. It's all about balance and reciprocity in the give and take.
I hope you find the way to talk to him and he finds the way to hear you clearly. That he understand that your reaction to his CDism his not a rejection of him but something that is troubling you. To be able to move on and get unstuck it first needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. Let him know how hard you have tried and how hard you are still ready to try but that you too will need his understanding, his support and his help while you deal with these feelings.

All the best to both of you.

Maebh

 :( DJ it sounds very sad for you, as for myself I believe in love, commitment and honesty and thats what I get from my CD, he think's of what is best for us, when I tell my CD he is the love of my life, that's what I mean he is my star that shines in the night and my sun that come's up in the morning, that's what love mean's and I don't really think your SO know's what it mean's when he say's your the love of his life, I guess you really need to talk to him and set your self free from these feeling's, we all need love and to be loved , if my SO did all those things I think I would probably be looking for a different kind of life, one that made me happy, life is to short not to be happy with the person your with, leaving can be painful but you two need to really talk and get things right for both of you , it takes two to make it work so good luck in what ever you do...chrerry

Gill,
Very well spoken, and my respect to you in all respects.
Let's face it we come together as man and woman. The man to rise up as the protector, and the head of the household.
This is although something that he is not to do alone, but with his wife along side.
Then as in this instance the tables are turned, and what we thought was up is down, and what shall we do?
Basic and foremost it was a lie, and a misrepresentation of ourselves to our spouse, and that will always be something that shakes us to the core.
Toto, I am sorry for what you are going threw, and hope that soon that somehow someway you will be able to come to get your arms around this situation.
My opinion is that of some of the others, and that is to do what is right in your own eyes at the moment. Do not drop a thermo-nuc. into this. But rather get right with you first.
Be very, very careful of what you take into consideration from what your friends may have for advice.
I went threw a terrible, terrible divorce years ago, and believe me everyone had their version of what I should do. STOP, breathe, take a day away if you must, talk with a counselor, talk with your pastor, talk with someone you know will not react, but listen, be sypathetic, and gather yourself.
Did he stop loving you, has he stop supporting you, financially? The man you love is probably still there, but things are really different.
I hate divorce, and I hate pain that was, and is intentionally inflicted on people. Please do not make any rash decisions until you can get above this, to see where you are standing.....Tamerisk40

Hello DJ

Sounds like we have the same story going on.  My bf of almost 5 years tells me he is TG/CD about a month ago.  That was a awakening to be sure.  Doesn't touch me a way that a man and a women should do. Only twice in all that time.  No offense to anybody.

Still trying to get a grip and figure out were to go from here.  Do I love him enough to stick it out, and work it threw?  Just never ending questions in my head.  Maybe CD  I can handle?   But I've never seen him dress.  I wonder about that.  I've given him one of my nightgowns before.  That's as far as that went.  I guess it's the TG that scares me.

I know he's never cheated on me.  Not even on the phone.  I'm very sad for you.  I cry myself to sleep a lot as of late.  Hope to here from you again soon.
And pray it all works out

Sorry for reflecting back to myself this was your story. 

---

Post Merge: May 22, 2009, 09:01:36 PM

---

tamerisk

Wish I could put words to paper they way alot of you do.  I feel like I just spit it out and there, you read it.

Sorry

Toward an Understanding

There seems to be an area of common agreement among various transvestites regarding strict categorization of certain specific emotions into "male" and "female" identification. While most: people seem to be fairly comfortable with feeling a wide range of emotions as their "norm", with no particular identification of those emotions as to specific gender, the transvestite seems to, quite consciously, apply definitions clearly identifying "male" and "female" emotions and feelings, and somehow determines that they are or are not acceptable for each sex to feel and/or express.

The first and obvious conclusion about this would be to immediately point the finger at Mommy and Daddy; who may have indelibly impressed this distinction upon a young mind. However, it isn't only Mommy and Daddy who insist on this very artificial and arbitrary dictum: society, as a whole, promulgates and promotes it, to one    or another.

Why then, isn't every little boy going to grow up to be a crossdresser? Simply because every human being differs in every respect- -and this applies to parents as well as children. There are probably more individual differences in emotional make-up than there are physical differences, and everyone knows that there are myriad variations on the human theme.

Let us then consider a hypothetical little boy. For reasons of genetic influences, he is obviously masculine, bright, alert, sensitive, artistic, gentle, expressive, and emotional. He can even be large and aggressive but he has the entire range of human feelings right along with it. And the first thing he is taught is: Boys do not cry, girls can cry. Boys do not act emotional ... anger is the only approved of feeling; boys are tough, and so on. The list is endless, and in order to gain approval, he must suppress the gentleness, the sensitivity, the artistic, and the emotional responses that are inherent in his make-up. At the same time, he usually discovers that girls are sweet, boys are nasty. Girls have to be babied and taken care of by males. Girls can hug; males must slap each other on the back. In general, the message is that girls have it made.

Now, just suppose that this particular little boy is very needful of gentle, loving handling. He needs cuddling more than another child, male or female, might. His needs are 'human' needs, with no gender identification at all, but he is immediately rebuffed with the reminder of his gender being given as the reason why he must not expect to have his need fulfilled. Children observe and form conclusions. Little girls obviously receive special attention and privileges. They wear pretty things. They are protected from everything, including nasty male aggression.

If this hypothetical little boy had his choice, he would rather be a girl ... and who in the world could blame him for at that conclusion? However, this is not an acceptable feeling either, and the slightest indication that he might feel that way immediately draws parental fire. One more guilt for feeling something that is not approved of by his ultimate authority, in this case, his parents.

One must understand that this is a young little boy. He does not begin to know why and how his feelings occur. He will probably never fully and consciously remember them, but they are there, and they will continue to be reinforced every day. Girls are something special, boys are simply tolerated and expected to perform all kinds of things that girls are not, most of them distasteful in one way or another. It comes to mind. in particular, that if a little boy and a little girl are confronted with a big. nasty-looking spider, the little girl is permitted to run and scream; the little boy is expected to kill it, even though he wants to run and scream, too. If he runs and screams, he is called "sissy"~ and thoroughly disapproved of.

There is no doubt that the anger and resentment over this obvious inequity in treatment is deep and enduring. One can hear this underlying theme in every conversation with a transvestite male. It is not so much a resentment of females, themselves, (something to be sought after), but rather an anger about the perceived prerogatives and privileges of females, their power over males, their pampered and protected position in the world.

There is a rather strange corollary here, too. While the adult male transvestite clearly and logically understands that females do NOT have all the icing on the cake of life, they persist in clinging to the little boy's idea that the best and only way to be is female. While everyone has, from time to time, wished casually that they could be of the opposite sex, this little boy is not casual. It has become permanent and fixed in his mind, but at this point, he is not a transvestite and may never become one unless certain other triggering incidents occur at fairly specific times in his 4evelopment.

To this point in our hypothetical little boy's life, the interaction has been between himself and his special human needs, and his parents, particularly his mother, who is probably a very decent, loving woman who hasn't the vaguest idea that she is missing the boat with this child. In all probability, she
is really trying to raise her son to be a little gentleman with females, trying to instill in him a respect and admiration for them, while encouraging him to be a real little man, forgoing all his inherent characteristic to do so.

Now as to the triggering incidents. Sexual behavior and preferences can be, and are, influenced by something call the 'imprinting process.' This is especially true for males and can be the root cause of deviations in sexual behavior and fetishism of various kinds. For whatever reason, females, in great part, do not seem to be particularly susceptible to the imprinting process that can result in fetishism; this seems to fall in the realm of male sexual behavior. Further, children exhibit sexual behavior and responses at a very early age. Anyone who has changed a little boy baby is aware of this response. It is purely physical in nature, but pleasurable nonetheless. These responses continue throughout childhood, without particular thought or even consciousness of them. Even in very young children, masturbating activities occur, tough not to a climax, giving a general overall pleasurable feeling.

And it can be conjectured that somewhere here within the imprintable stage of his development, our hypothetical little boy discovers, quire by accident, that some article of female clothing provides sensual pleasure. Understand that this child doesn't have the slightest idea of what sex is; he has simply found something that feels pleasurable, something that produces tactile pleasure when he is in contact with it. And this happens at such an early age that our little boy does not even remember it. But he will always feel sensual pleasure when he is in contact with that particular item, and never really know why, but he has been imprinted for life.

Why does our little boy discover the pleasure in female garments? Because he is already predisposed because he believes that being female is the best way to be. He will be the little boy most apt to be interested in female clothing; he will be the little boy most apt to want to try it on to emulate the female. And he will be the little boy who, upon seeing himself in a mirror dressed as a female, will feel that it is right and proper for him, no matter what the rest of the world thinks, and at this point the rest of the is his family. Because of the outraged disapproval surrounding this, should he be found out, his secret life begins, and living a secret life can be a terrible burden, one that exacts a terrible price mentally and emotionally,

There comes a point when our little boy clearly remembers the things that happen. He is growing and developing. He is becoming interested in sex, and sexual arousal usually occurs in context with female clothing; he will clearly remember the first incident of dressing and masturbating to climax. A kind of repetitive pattern then develops, repeated over and over again across the years.

Our little boy becomes a man ... a man's man, as it were. because of the deep feelings of isolation and differentness, he over-compensates. He tries repeatedly to "kick the habit; and he cannot. It  is a part of him, it belongs to him, it is him, as much as his lungs or heart. It is a compulsion and it is an obsession. It is a part of his identity, inextricably intertwined with his sexuality.

And, at some point, he discovers something else. All of a sudden when dressed as a woman, he can feel and express all those bottled up, forbidden emotions and feelings that have caused him so much pain and anguish across the years. He can freely laugh, cry, act silly, relax, in short, be his WHOLE self! This is never permitted in his role as a male. Because of his perception of the freedom of females, he is now free to express the whole range of human emotions he has so carefully filed and pigeon-holed as belonging to only one gender.

If the process of life is a struggle 'toward,' then let us hope that this growth of the transvestite is toward  complete acceptance of himself as he is, one WHOLE person, with permission freely given just to BE.

Jenny (CJ's wife – 45 years)

I am having a hard time my husband of 30 years just admitted to me that he dresses in womens clothes. (only because I accidentally found them) His father treated him very badly and was very physical in punishing him even for things that his female siblings had done so he said he always wanted to be a girl so he wouldn't get hurt.And throughout our marriage things have happened that have hurt him and he says that is what triggered it again.
I am trying to understand so this marriage doesn't have to end but alot of things just don't make sense.If he has done this before is it possible he doesn't understand it himself ? If I change the things that i do that upset him can he really stop?And if it is a coping mechanism for him do I have the right to ask him to stop?I have so many questions that only he can answer but he gets angry and don't want to talk about it he says if i change he will change is that very likely,or is it even possible for it to just stop if he has been doing this since childhood.

This deserves much more of an answer than I can give it before I head off to work (and yeah slackers, note the time on the post, which is East Coast, so it's 5:30 here - so much for a rock and roll lifestyle) but I'll think on it and post when I get back on Sun/Mon.

My husband and I have only been married for 6 months. About three months into our relationship I used his laptop and found open links for his porn which mostly included hentai and anime artwork that was ALL crossdressing. I was slightly surprised and in the best and calmest way I knew how, I asked him about it. He was very embarassed but talked to me about it the best he could. He said I was the only person that has ever known about his interest in crossdressing. It wasn't until after we got married that the subject came up again and he finally felt comfortable enough to really talk about it. We experiments with it in the bedroom only once and it was so rewarding! We used some of my lingerie and he was so happy. I was amazingly surprised at how much doing it turned me on as well. Not to mention I was very surprised that afterwards, still dressed in all my lace, he held me in bed and told me how beautiful I was. It seemed like such an odd thing to say! haha. I've always been one for experiments so this was a new and very exciting experiment for the both of us.
The one thing I am still having a problem adjusting to is the fact that he still looks at pornography so often. And its all the same anime crossdress porn. I am a proud owner of a very healthy sex drive, and I feel as if I am putting a lot of effort into giving him what he needs to feel happy and sexy and wanted, but he still feels the need to look at those things...very close to everyday. Part of me feels that I can never look like that, therefore, maybe I'm just not enough sometimes...but that just hurts to think about... I've tried talking to him about it and he is always willing to listen and reassure me that I am always enough, but it doesn't seem like he takes these things to heart in his actions...
If anyone has any comments or advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.

---And I am so grateful to having found this message board. It's helped me more than anything through these new changes in my relationship. Thank you SO much.

Women don't understand what men see in porn.  Men can't figure out why women get so upset over it.  I've never had any luck explaining it to either side.


But I'm going to think about the rest during my bike ride today.  I'll get back to this.

Hi all I am married to a Crossdresser.  I love him unconditionally, I want him to be himself and I understand that his feminine side is a part of who he is as well.  He tells me it is more of a sexual thing for him and It has taken me quite a bit to put my feelings aside and open myself up to lets say new experiences in the bedroom with this side of him.  But I am finding that things are progressing to a point I am not sure about and wondering where the boundaries in our relationship have gone when he is dressed.  I am trying to allow him the space to experience and explore what ever he needs and trying to think ahead to the future when our children are out of the home, as he has told me he will probably want to dress more often then.  I am not sure how I will feel on this as I really enjoy him as a male as well. I sometimes enjoy our time when he is dressed but sometimes I don't but I just fake my enjoyment because I am worried about him feeling rejected.  He had a girlfriend in the past that had found out and it didn't go so well for him and he is very much a person who brings things from past relationships into the present.  I guess I am wanting to understand a bit more on this side of a CD and if this is what might progress to a TG.  I honestly don't know what I would do if he went all the way.  But he has tried to tell me he won't yet I am not sure he even knows.  There is definitely some things like wanting to try and experience things sexually the way a woman does that worries me. I am a bit worried and self conscience about him liking what a man could do to him better then me.   I to like many of the other SO's have done a lot of crying. I am just not sure how far I can go with some of this but am worried about losing him if I don't as well.

I thank anyone that can help with a response on this and any advice as well.
Thanks CJ

You sound like a very considerate and loving wife, CJ, but it won't do your marriage any good to ignore your own needs. This is the kind of situation that warrants seeing a councilor together. Everyone has their own range of things they can enjoy, tolerate and not tolerate. You need to define yours. Often in a relationship with a crossdresser, the man's exploration of his own needs can leave the wife out the loop. This always causes problems and it appears that is where you are headed. A healthy relationship requires giving equal attention to both of your needs.

Lyric ~

Hi, this is my first post. I'm a cis-gendered woman, basically meaning that my internal and external sex are female.

I seem to be in an unusual place. My partner has always looked androgynous. It is so natural and organic to his appearance (and I am so comfortable with androgyny, and he is so comfortable with himself) that when I learned that most of his clothes were from the women's section, I didn't think twice about it. When he started going more toward the feminine end of the spectrum in dress/appearance, I was completely fine with the idea of him being a CD and honestly enjoyed that part.

It turns out that 'he' is a trans woman. This is the part I am having difficulty with. I've been reading up on what ->-bleeped-<- is and I accept and understand it with no problems--as a concept, and for other people. But because she (the correct pronoun to use now) is my partner, I am facing the loss of the male part of her, whom/which I am very attracted to. It feels like a death to me, while for her, she is about to start becoming the person she has always been inside--this doesn't feel like a loss to her, though I'm not going to try to speak for her experience too much. I know the path ahead of her isn't easy, but it doesn't seem to feel so much like a devastating loss as it does to me.

At times I am OK with it, because we have such a strong connection and good relationship. At other times it just seems so scary, like a path of no return. I don't know what she will be like as a woman and I am already so happy with her as male. This isn't something that I want, but it's not something she can or should ignore. So I have to deal with it.

I feel hopeful that things will turn out ok, and we both want to stay together. Even before this issue came up, I knew I loved the person first, not the appearance, but this is a huge test of that ('put your money where your mouth is' territory). We can talk about this, and I can get upset, and it's still ok.

So I would like to hear others' experiences and am happy to talk about mine somewhat, but I won't get too specific or personal because she is not telling people yet.
 

Oops, sorry, I meant to post this in the forum for SOs of TGs.

I posted in the forum for SO's of TG's for another topic, but it was sort of related to this.

My husband of nearly 10 years just told me 2 1/2 weeks ago that he likes to CD. Coping with things go well some days and not so much on others. Today is one of those "other" days for me, and I'm sitting about reading the forums trying to see if I can get a grip on how I'm feeling about the whole thing. We've had lots of talking in the last while about where this is going to lead. He's insisted that his sexual orientation is heterosexual, which gives me a little solace that he'll hopefully still find me attractive. He's also insisted that a full transition is not something that he's willing to consider at this time, also a relief to me. However, he's had time to come to this conclusion that this is what he wants to do. I've had 2 .5 weeks.

I'm trying to be supportive, helping out with jewellery, makeup, clothes, shopping, even going to the lingerie store with him. (Granted, I'm a bit of a shopaholic, so I get a lot of gratification shopping with him, for him.) But, I have some days where I really wonder if I'm strong enough to handle what might be coming.

I tend to be a bit of a dweller on topics, I'll worry through things until I'm satisfied with how I think I might handle it. This particular topic though, no matter how I mull it over, no matter how I see the multitude of endings, I can't get my mind to wrap around. I'm really terrified of that final choice, what if he wants to transition, what if he'd rather be a woman for good? Am I going to be strong enough for our family to manage this, and how on earth will our children manage?

For now, this issue has been decided for the both of us that it's just ours. He has his group of friends online for support, but I haven't anyone because we aren't telling anyone yet. When we do decide to tell, I think things will go better. I miss my own support network of friends who are familiar with me and are able to talk to me. Right now, this forum is all I've really got, so I'm throwing it out there into the ether that maybe there's someone else who might share in the same situation and maybe we'll find support.

Thanks all!
Sayra.

It's a new week and I'm sure this is typical of most relationships, especially those with such changes that we face, but long conversations sure aide in the communication of the fount of feelings! After the last weekend being difficult for me, I sat and read and re-read my posts in the SO forums several times to sort through things for myself. At the end it came down to just owning up to my fears and addressing them with my husband and taking the time to really listen to what he had to say and to stop assuming the final choice without his even addressing it. We talked and talked and at the end of it all, the only thing that mattered was that I love him for him in all his changing states and I didn't want to be with anybody else, ever. In our honest conversation we went over my greatest fears and worries and he has assured me that they were not in consideration at this point in time. These conversations have calmed me down quite a bit and I have just decided to adopt the attitude that we will be just fine.

Now with my more confident state of acceptance, we are moving ahead and living our lives in a happier albeit still undisclosed form. I plan on attending the support group for family/SO's the week after next here in our city and I hope to find other wives to bring support for those rough days that are probably still ahead. No matter what is coming we will be just fine and I'm really pleased about that. Thanks for letting me rant away in here :) S.l

Hi Sayra,I have been a crossdresser all my life and have been married for over thirty years. We have a strong relationship and are a
            normal couple in every way except I have a very strong feminine side. I love to dress in lingerie for bed and that has led to
            a fantastic sex life. My wife is very supportive of my dressing which lets me dress at home anytime I want. I love to shop
            and my closet is half full of feminine clothes and I have more panties and bras than my wife. She just knows that dressing
            is just one part of me. My final choice will not be transition Im very happy being a crossdresser. I am also a heterosexual
            but when dressed for bed Im very submissive and enjoy being the woman, my wife will use a strap on so I can experience
            penetration. I can enjoy both sides of sexual activity it works for both of us. I hope you find support, but for now just support
           your husband it will make him very happy!!!

                           Love  Kim

Hi Kimberly!

Thanks for the reply, sorry I've taken so long to get back to you! It's been busy at our house! For now, it's not very possible for him to dress while at home because we have 3 small ones that we're still sorting out how we'll expose them to his dressing. I don't mind that they know but our oldest is in school and we all know how bad that is in the suburbs!!

Thus far, we've been very much the same, oddly enough due to some changes in my hormones (the youngest just turned 1 not too long ago, I'm just starting to get back to myself!), we've been having more sex than we used to. As far as adventurous goes, I'm very much fine with exploring new territory, and this facet of him does let us do that (to each their own!). I have no problems with the lingerie, but I'm still trying to wrap my head about the whole idea being fully dressed for sex. So, that'll take some time and we'll maybe go that route. Strap ons are something we contemplated and we'll give that a go once we figure out if the penetration is something he actually enjoys or not, as he's not really experienced that yet.

I'm actually SUPER excited to be supportive since he's got a wardrobe that needs filling and I utterly LOVE shopping. We went yesterday and scored a bunch of really useful things for him, new nude pumps, some pretty flats, a seriously sexy pair of canvas peep toes for the summer, sweater dress, and a new spring moto jacket! (I got soap :P Lucky for me, it's my favourite exfoliating one, so it makes up for it!!)

Silly questions for CD's who swing by here: Would other CD's find a personal shopper, useful? I hear stories about the issues that surround shopping for some of the newer CD's along with the fashion issues and wondered if I could help out? Is it weird I want to? Is it weird that I'm so happy to shop for CD's? (I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to shopping, but if it's not my money, that's ok right!? And, tbh, I'm honestly happy to shop for anyone, period.)

Thanks again Kimberly!

Quote from: Sayra on March 16, 2014, 10:17:37 AMSilly questions for CD's who swing by here: Would other CD's find a personal shopper, useful?

They would and do, in fact. For instance, Nordstrom department stores offer personal shopping aides to customers and also have a very accomodating policy toward crossdressers. I've heard multiple accounts of crossdresser's who have used such services there. I'd imagine if you wanted to act as a shopping helper for someone into this stuff, there are aspiring CD folks who would be interested.

We live in Canada and just got a new Nordstrom's! I looked at doing it for Holt Renfew, but it wasn't hours I could keep (kids) :( I was mostly thinking that I have so much fun doing all the shopping with my husband, it would be fun to freelance too!

Thanks for the reply! I'll be sure to ask next time I go in!

[Temporarily Removed by User]

Any time after finals!

My husband was caught wearing a bra during masturbation.... He first told me it was something that turned himself on like a kinky thing or a fetish....later he told me that he had a feminine side....then I thought it was just cross dressing but it has evolved into him telling me that he has always wanted to fell or be a girl since he was young. He just doesnt fit a Transgender well.... he says he doesnt want to BE a woman but that he loves everything about women and that if he could walk through a door with no consequences, he woud be one and go back and forth.... He says that he wishes he could have a small development of breasts and have some minor female features (soft skin, hair, etc) but that he still likes being a man. The thing is....when he is done acting out sexually (fantasizing he is a woman during masturbation) or dressing...he takes everything off and wants nothing to do with the female side for awhile but...it doesnt last long...during the day he often has fleeting thoughts of having his own breast, long hair, the clothes, etc some days the thoughts are short and other times he cannot get them to stop (he lets his mind run). Since I have found out about this he says that it was easier and more controllable but now his mind runs with thoughts about it very strongly and has almost talked himself into beginning HRT and wonders if he is a Transgender woman. The thing is that he says he doesnt feel like a woman trapped in a man's body.... its very confusing for the both of us. At the moment he is in the mode of not wanting to talk about anything, dress, or see a therapist. He wants to put it in the closet where it belongs (his words). Is he a Transgender, a cross dresser, does he have Transvestic Fetishism, or a new one I found, Gynephilia. Its super confusing. Im really trying to get him to see a therapist but he is just not on board.

Twoman44 - I was very interested to read your description of your husband's feelings as they seem very similar to mine.  I'm no expert on this matter but I'll try to give you an independent insight which, hopefully, will help you to better understand your husband's situation.

Firstly, it's important to remember that this is far more difficult for men than it is for women.  A woman who is, for want of a better description, 'T-curious' can easily put on a pair of trousers, shirt, flat shoes and tie her hair back and no-one is any the wiser.  On the other hand, a T-curious man doing similar is immediately branded as a crossdresser/ transvestite, '->-bleeped-<-' or pervert depending on how tolerant people aware of this are.  Also, whereas a man whose wife starts wearing more male orientated clothes will usually dismiss it as 'she's given up on herself' or similar, a woman discovering that her husband likes to wear bras or high heels will look far deeper for answers as you are doing.  As a result, many men in this situation have to carry the burden of their secret and indulge in furtive dressing sessions when the rest of the family are out.  The logistics of this, combined with the constant fear of being discovered, does not make life easy!

Secondly, there are a few common misconceptions about ->-bleeped-<- and clarity is often needed:

- wishing you'd been born female is not the same as wanting to become female
- being envious of women's lifestyle is not the same as wanting to live that life permanently
- being female is not just wearing heels, lingerie and looking gorgeous!
- being a crossdresser does not automatically mean that you want to be a full time female
- being transgender (in whatever form it takes) is not usually a perversion but a reflection of an anomaly in the brain during foetal development

I would also mention in passing that, for those of us trying to live our life with transgender feelings, the internet has been our greatest friend and our biggest eneny - communities such as this are a wonderful source of support and reassurance that we are not alone with our feelings (in particular, I have learned so much about myself through participation) but I also find that seeing and reading about some of the more spectacular transitions often triggers my own dysphoria and, in many ways, I found it far easier to live with before the days of the internet (I am in my 50s)

The fact that your husband has been so open and detailed with his description of how he feels indicates that he is almost certainly not a pathalogical liar and what he says about his intentions are true.  He will almost certainly have some days where he feels that gender transition is the only solution for him but many others where, as he has stated, he is perfectly happy being male.  He has said that he doesn't feel like a woman trapped in a man's body and I think you can draw a lot of reassurance from this.

I think you are right in encouraging him to seek therapy but, equally, the fact that he is rejecting the idea may well be an indication that he is trying to get things under control himself.  From your point of view, I think your best strategy is to encourage him to be honest about his feelings and tolerant of his activities as far as you can.  There may come a point where his feelings and intentions intesify to the point where you feel they are incompatible with continuation of the marriage but, for the time being, as long as he's being a dutiful husband and not harbouring secrets, then you're a very lucky lady.

Why is the divorce rate low for crossdressers and high for transsexuals? Some see crossdressing as leading naturally to the other.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Grad0507 on October 24, 2018, 10:27:03 AM
Why is the divorce rate low for crossdressers and high for transsexuals? Some see crossdressing as leading naturally to the other.

My experience has been that less than half of the longer term crossdressing community will pursue medical transition of some sort such as hormone replacement therapy (HRT), and perhaps a third of that will pursue gender confirmation surgery (GCS) of some sort.

Quite a few transgender folks can find some degree of peace by simply being out to loved ones and exercising some forms of gender expression.  (Sometimes I wish that I had been able to do that, that it would have been sufficient for me.  My dysphoria demanded much more, alas.) No two of us take quite the same path through life.

The higher divorce rate for those pursuing medical and surgical transition is something I would expect.  Not that many wives are willing to be seen as living in a lesbian relationship.  The social/cultural pressure to reject the transitioned spouse is quite strong.

There isn't just one condition that causes genetic males to wear skirts and brassieres, Grad0507. Crossdressing is merely one outward result. There are several different internal reasons this occurs. Transsexualism is not a result of crossdressing.

As for the divorce question, the answer is pretty obvious when you think about it. When two people go into a marriage as man and woman then one person decides to change their physiology so that they no longer function as a man or woman there is an understandable problem. A male who simply enjoys wearing skirts can still function and present himself as male, thus fulfill the original contract of marriage.