Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone,
I'm Vaidehi—and even just saying that feels emotional. The moment I came across this name, something clicked deep inside me. It wasn't just a name—it felt like a calling. Like someone I had always been trying to return to. And for the first time, I'm allowing myself to say it: This is me.

I chose the name Vaidehi because it holds so much quiet strength. In the Ramayana, Vaidehi is another name for Sita—a woman known not just for her devotion, but for her dignity, her trials, and her resilience. Vaidehi literally means "the one from Videha," but to me, it also symbolizes a return to self—a self I've kept hidden for decades. This name isn't about mythology alone—it's about reclaiming the soft, powerful part of me I've always known was there.

I'm 45, based in India, and for most of my life I've lived in a deeply masculine role—husband, father, professional, gym regular. On the outside, I looked like I had it together. But inside? I've been carrying a quiet ache for as long as I can remember.

As a child, I tried on my mom's clothes when no one was watching. I didn't have the words for it—I just felt... peace. But I quickly learned to hide it. In my teens, I experienced pubertal gynecomastia, and instead of compassion, it became something I was mocked for. That pushed me even deeper into hiding. I built a mask of masculinity that was convincing—even to myself, at times.

Now, decades later, that voice I once silenced has come back—and it's louder than ever. Some days I feel sure: I need to do this. I need to live as the woman I've always been deep inside. And then there are days I feel paralyzed—thinking about my marriage, my children, my family, and the people who see me one way but don't know what's inside. I feel guilty. I feel lost. And I worry what I could lose by stepping into the light.

But what scares me even more is the thought of growing old never having lived. Of never truly knowing myself.

I'm not on HRT yet. I'm still stealth, still figuring things out. But I've reached a point where I have to talk to others who've walked this path—others who buried themselves so deep they forgot how to breathe, until they finally said: enough.

Thank you for holding space for people like me. I don't know where this path will lead... but I know that I can't keep pretending I'm not on it.

With love and quiet hope,
Vaidehi 🪷

@vaidehi
Dear Vaidehi:
I have noticed that you have just registered today as a new member and
this is your very first posting here on the FORUM Introductions Board... it is nice
to meet you.
All of us on the Forum are very glad that you found us and that you have arrived
here on Susan's Place.

Please know that there are others here that have similar experiences as you described
with your own transition journey... and members here on the Forum will be along shortly
to greet and Welcome you... and will offer their thoughts and comments regarding your
situation and your Introduction.

Here on the Forum we have members coming from all backgrounds and with a variety of
experiences.

I am wishing you a Warm Welcome to Susan's Place!

I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your
future postings, comments and thoughts.

After you reach the threshold of 15 postings you will then be able to send
Forum Private Messages to other members and also you will be able to upload an
Avatar/Profile photo.

I will now let you get back to getting involved in the various
conversations around the Forum... there should be some additional like-minded members
coming along to greet you and to help answer any questions that you may have.

Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forum,
please feel free to contact me at my Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Warmest Regards, and WELCOME to Susan's Place and the Forum
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  E-Mail: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
The Forum Administrator
                            cc: @LoriDee  @Sarah B             

---

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---

Hi Vaidehi,

Welcome to Susan's! 💗



~ Lilis

Thank you for your warm welcomes. I honestly wasn't sure what to expect after posting for the first time. Just writing it felt like a leap. But receiving such kindness right away has brought me a lot of comfort.

This is a very personal and vulnerable chapter of my life, and your words made me feel safe and seen. Thank you for creating and holding such a nurturing space here.

I've started reading through the forum threads and I already feel less alone. It's reassuring to know there are others who've walked similar paths, especially those who found the strength.

Looking forward to learning, sharing, and connecting with you all.

Thank you,
Vaidehi 🪷

Vaidehi, you tell a story many others here have to tell, including me. You have outlined the problems all of us face, one way another, in different flavours, because we belong to different cultures, but you've cleared the biggest hurdle of all, which is levelling with yourself and accepting who you are.

It will take a while to become comfortable with the feeling of this 'new you' despite it not being new at all. Taking some time to explore Susan's while you ease into the self you've accepted will repay itself many times over, because we all go through something very similar and have much to share and help. Two things you will bring to us, I hope, because you sound amazing.

Welcome! Your story will resonate with many of us. While each of us is unique, we often share many common experiences and feelings. And, you took a brave first step to join here and share your truth.

Is it possible for you to find/work with a gender therapist? That's been a key for many of us to figure out who we truly are and then to chart a path towards happiness.

In any case, we're here to help as we can.

Welcome to Susan's, Vaidehi!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction. As April Marie suggested, working with a therapist with experience in gender identities can be a big help. They can help you understand what you are experiencing and help you plot a course and work through the various obstacles.

It is difficult to explain to people something that we do not understand. As we learn and become more accepting of ourselves, we still face the difficulty of being honest with family members about who we are and what we are going through. Many people will not understand because they do not experience what we experience. It is a foreign concept to them. So it is helpful to have allies and a support system to help you with these challenges.

Every journey begins with a single step. We applaud you for taking that first step. We have a lot of information here. Feel free to dive in and tell us about your experiences too. I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

Hi!


   Welcome Vaidehi!


Chrissy

Quote from: vaidehi on April 04, 2025, 01:26:07 AMHi everyone,
I'm Vaidehi—and even just saying that feels emotional. The moment I came across this name, something clicked deep inside me. It wasn't just a name—it felt like a calling. Like someone I had always been trying to return to. And for the first time, I'm allowing myself to say it: This is me.

I chose the name Vaidehi because it holds so much quiet strength. In the Ramayana, Vaidehi is another name for Sita—a woman known not just for her devotion, but for her dignity, her trials, and her resilience. Vaidehi literally means "the one from Videha," but to me, it also symbolizes a return to self—a self I've kept hidden for decades. This name isn't about mythology alone—it's about reclaiming the soft, powerful part of me I've always known was there.

I'm 45, based in India, and for most of my life I've lived in a deeply masculine role—husband, father, professional, gym regular. On the outside, I looked like I had it together. But inside? I've been carrying a quiet ache for as long as I can remember.

As a child, I tried on my mom's clothes when no one was watching. I didn't have the words for it—I just felt... peace. But I quickly learned to hide it. In my teens, I experienced pubertal gynecomastia, and instead of compassion, it became something I was mocked for. That pushed me even deeper into hiding. I built a mask of masculinity that was convincing—even to myself, at times.

Now, decades later, that voice I once silenced has come back—and it's louder than ever. Some days I feel sure: I need to do this. I need to live as the woman I've always been deep inside. And then there are days I feel paralyzed—thinking about my marriage, my children, my family, and the people who see me one way but don't know what's inside. I feel guilty. I feel lost. And I worry what I could lose by stepping into the light.

But what scares me even more is the thought of growing old never having lived. Of never truly knowing myself.

I'm not on HRT yet. I'm still stealth, still figuring things out. But I've reached a point where I have to talk to others who've walked this path—others who buried themselves so deep they forgot how to breathe, until they finally said: enough.

Thank you for holding space for people like me. I don't know where this path will lead... but I know that I can't keep pretending I'm not on it.

With love and quiet hope,
Vaidehi 🪷

Vaidehi

Welcome Aboard Sister!

What a wonderful introduction!... We all have so very many common threads in our stories... I know most all here see bits of their own backstory or where they find themselves now, in what you wrote, myself included!... You are not alone! 🌻

In the many stories here, you will see how many of us, who also carried these feelings within us for a lifetime have built amazing lives that finally serve the spirit within us. 🌻

I know, within you, lies the power to build the life you want! ... Most all of us come to a tipping point of sorts when the worst fears we can imagine about how our life might end up, if we dare to be ourself... are no longer as bad as the thought of hiding any longer... Let hope light your way. 🌻

All good things to you as you find your way forward! 🌞

Blessings 🙏

Ashley 🪷

@vaidehi

Hello Again Vaidehi...

I admit to being very fascinated with Indian culture and food!... If you have the time, I would love to ask you what the prevailing attitudes in India are towards people who fall under the transgender umbrella? I am guessing it would be a mixed bag like everywhere else but, I was recently watching this amazing video on YouTube...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp_p4nILvx0

The creator was bringing us the sights and sounds of Mahakumbh Mela ( I would so Love to witness it all in person) 🌻

Starting around the 16:45 mark he shows a group of trans people and mention that many there were seeking blessings from them and I have seen a trans guru giving blessings in another video by someone else at another festival. I know many Hindu deities possess both male and female attributes as well... As do we all in one way or another I guess! 🌻

I hope we find you active here in the days to come sister! Continue to hold on to the Love and Quiet Hope... They will serve you well 🌻

Blessings! 💕

Ashley 🪷

Quote from: TanyaG on April 04, 2025, 04:42:42 AMVaidehi, you tell a story many others here have to tell, including me. You have outlined the problems all of us face, one way another, in different flavours, because we belong to different cultures, but you've cleared the biggest hurdle of all, which is levelling with yourself and accepting who you are.

It will take a while to become comfortable with the feeling of this 'new you' despite it not being new at all. Taking some time to explore Susan's while you ease into the self you've accepted will repay itself many times over, because we all go through something very similar and have much to share and help. Two things you will bring to us, I hope, because you sound amazing.

Thank you :)

Quote from: April Marie on April 04, 2025, 07:55:43 AMWelcome! Your story will resonate with many of us. While each of us is unique, we often share many common experiences and feelings. And, you took a brave first step to join here and share your truth.

Is it possible for you to find/work with a gender therapist? That's been a key for many of us to figure out who we truly are and then to chart a path towards happiness.

In any case, we're here to help as we can.

Thank you for your warm welcome. Therapy in India is not common, although I do believe that I need it. I have scheduled an online therapy session tomorrow and let's see where this goes

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 04, 2025, 08:46:11 AMWelcome to Susan's, Vaidehi!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction. As April Marie suggested, working with a therapist with experience in gender identities can be a big help. They can help you understand what you are experiencing and help you plot a course and work through the various obstacles.

It is difficult to explain to people something that we do not understand. As we learn and become more accepting of ourselves, we still face the difficulty of being honest with family members about who we are and what we are going through. Many people will not understand because they do not experience what we experience. It is a foreign concept to them. So it is helpful to have allies and a support system to help you with these challenges.

Every journey begins with a single step. We applaud you for taking that first step. We have a lot of information here. Feel free to dive in and tell us about your experiences too. I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

Thank you for the welcome. I have my first therapy session tomorrow. It's like to stepping into the unknown. But thank you as I have read a lot of good content on this forum and it's helping me cope.

Quote from: tgirlamg on April 05, 2025, 12:23:15 PM@vaidehi

Hello Again Vaidehi...

I admit to being very fascinated with Indian culture and food!... If you have the time, I would love to ask you what the prevailing attitudes in India are towards people who fall under the transgender umbrella? I am guessing it would be a mixed bag like everywhere else but, I was recently watching this amazing video on YouTube...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lp_p4nILvx0

The creator was bringing us the sights and sounds of Mahakumbh Mela ( I would so Love to witness it all in person) 🌻

Starting around the 16:45 mark he shows a group of trans people and mention that many there were seeking blessings from them and I have seen a trans guru giving blessings in another video by someone else at another festival. I know many Hindu deities possess both male and female attributes as well... As do we all in one way or another I guess! 🌻

I hope we find you active here in the days to come sister! Continue to hold on to the Love and Quiet Hope... They will serve you well 🌻

Blessings! 💕

Ashley 🪷

Quote from: tgirlamg on April 05, 2025, 12:23:15 PMI admit to being very fascinated with Indian culture and food!... If you have the time, I would love to ask you what the prevailing attitudes in India are towards people who fall under the transgender umbrella? I am guessing it would be a mixed bag like everywhere else but, I was recently watching this amazing video on YouTube...

India is a beautiful contradiction .We have a rich spiritual and mythological history that embraces gender fluidity, like the stories of Ardhanarishvara (a divine form that is half Shiva, half Parvati), or Shikhandi from the Mahabharata. Culturally, though it's complicated. On one hand, trans people  especially those part of the Hijra community, that you saw in the video have been seen as spiritual and powerful figures, giving blessings at weddings and births. But they are also left to resort to begging and prostitution.

 On the other hand, daily life can still be filled with stigma, isolation, and misunderstanding, especially for those of us who aren't out or are still figuring things out.
Seeing trans women respected and even sought out for blessings is powerful and it gives me hope. Quiet hope, just like you said. 💖

I'm still at the very beginning of my own journey... testing waters, listening to my inner voice, trying to find where I fit between what feels like two completely different worlds. But messages like yours remind me I'm not as alone as I sometimes think.

Love and light 🌷
Vaidehi

Quote from: vaidehi on April 07, 2025, 01:09:26 AMI'm still at the very beginning of my own journey... testing waters, listening to my inner voice, trying to find where I fit between what feels like two completely different worlds. But messages like yours remind me I'm not as alone as I sometimes think.

Love and light 🌷
Vaidehi

@vaidehi

Vaidehi
Thank you so very much for the thoughtful response!... I hope to visit India someday and see it all for myself. 🌻

The beginning of the journey is a wonderful place to be... All directions of travel are ours to choose... all possibilities ours to consider and weigh... The inner voice you mentioned will guide you well... our fears often will try to fill the voids in our knowledge of where one decision or another may lead us... the fears often seek to be the loudest voice inside us...listen to what they say but, then ask your fears to be quiet as you weigh them against all the other considerations of you journey! ...Your answers are there patiently waiting for you to find them... they will be unique to you and they will be worth all your efforts expended to find them! 🌻

Let us know how to help and ask any and all questions... We have a lot of experience here being caught between two very different world and still finding the path that serves us best!   Your online therapy tomorrow sounds like a wonderful step forward! ...Often, true self exploration comes later in life for many of us. We can live so much of our lives living to the expectations of others and the society we are born into but, eventually the voice within seeks expression. I tried to always ignore or push it away but, eventually made the choice, after a half century of living that way... to listen instead. 🌻

I don't know if you have seen this paper by Dr Anne Vitale but, many of us find our development throughout life described uncannily well throughout the paper under the heading of Group 3 individuals🌻

https://www.avitale.com/essays-details/?name=the-gender-variant-phenomenon--a-developmental-review-5


May your journey ahead be blessed sister! 💕

Ashley 🪷

Quote from: vaidehi on April 07, 2025, 01:03:03 AMI have my first therapy session tomorrow. It's like to stepping into the unknown.

Good luck, if it goes well (there will be challenges) you may find it's less of an unknown than a place you've found hard to accept has always existed, if you know what I mean. But enjoy.

Quote from: vaidehi on April 07, 2025, 01:01:35 AMThank you for your warm welcome. Therapy in India is not common, although I do believe that I need it. I have scheduled an online therapy session tomorrow and let's see where this goes

Good for you!!!! My therapy has been totally on-line for over 2 years now and it's been wonderful. I hope you find it as helpful and empowering as I have.