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Title: Newborn at 61
Post by: flowers_and_trees on April 24, 2025, 02:49:59 PM
Post by: flowers_and_trees on April 24, 2025, 02:49:59 PM
Hello, Everyone.
I feel like the life I'd had for 61 years has ended and a new one just began in February. Over the course of several weeks, I realized I'm transgender (AMAB). I don't know yet where I'll land on the spectrum of possibilities. Increasingly often, I feel fully that I'm a woman; at other times I feel genderless. But I definitely don't feel like a "man" and I never have.
In May, I'll begin laser hair removal to try to eliminate my (very sparse) beard, which excites me beyond words. I've begun growing my hair longer than the 1/2-inch buzz-cut I used to maintain. I bought myself a silver necklace with a goddess pendant that brings me joy.
I'm fortunate to live in a community that is extremely accepting of gender diversity. I'm absolutely blessed to have a partner of 18 years who has been a lesbian for her entire adult life before me (how/why did we end up together???) and has been the go-to primary care doctor in our town for the LGBTQIA+ community. I couldn't ask for a more supportive environment. I'm also lucky to be small in stature.
When I first realized what was happening inside me, I felt like a complete mess - like I didn't know who or what I was, and that meant I was an unpredictable disaster. Over the course of the last two months, I've accepted that I am flowing down a river and just need to relax and surrender to what feels right for me. Last night, my partner laid out several of her (larger) pretty/soft shirts for me to try on. She laughed and chided me (good-naturedly) when she saw how happy I was wearing them. Each day feels like a step in maturing into my true self.
I don't hate my body or even my genitals. After 61 years with it, I feel pretty conditioned to life with this configuration. But it does feel "odd" and physically uncomfortable to me. I have no idea at this point what I may decide to do about that. I'm not at all enthusiastic about entering into the medical system (for any reason). My partner has asked, "If someone could snap their fingers and give you good results of a sex-reassignment surgery, would you want it." Yes, I would.
Something I wonder often is this: Why should gender matter at all to me? I have male anatomy, but I don't identify with "being a man." So couldn't I just "be me" (when I work out what that is in its entirety) in the body I have and wear and do whatever I please? Since I have no desire to emulate society's image of masculinity, why would I want to do that with its feminine menu of options? This is where I am in puzzling through what's inside of me.
Irrespective of the eventual results of those choices, I'll need to confront what to tell my mother (81 years old) when she visits us in June. I know that I don't need to tell her everything that's in my heart, but there will be enough visible in me and in my relationship with my partner that it will be obvious to her that a lot has changed since we saw her last year. And it's important to me to try to be as authentic with my mother as I can - even when it's uncomfortable.
That's my story so far. Thank you for being here and being yourselves. You are all shining lights in this world.
"Pema"
I feel like the life I'd had for 61 years has ended and a new one just began in February. Over the course of several weeks, I realized I'm transgender (AMAB). I don't know yet where I'll land on the spectrum of possibilities. Increasingly often, I feel fully that I'm a woman; at other times I feel genderless. But I definitely don't feel like a "man" and I never have.
In May, I'll begin laser hair removal to try to eliminate my (very sparse) beard, which excites me beyond words. I've begun growing my hair longer than the 1/2-inch buzz-cut I used to maintain. I bought myself a silver necklace with a goddess pendant that brings me joy.
I'm fortunate to live in a community that is extremely accepting of gender diversity. I'm absolutely blessed to have a partner of 18 years who has been a lesbian for her entire adult life before me (how/why did we end up together???) and has been the go-to primary care doctor in our town for the LGBTQIA+ community. I couldn't ask for a more supportive environment. I'm also lucky to be small in stature.
When I first realized what was happening inside me, I felt like a complete mess - like I didn't know who or what I was, and that meant I was an unpredictable disaster. Over the course of the last two months, I've accepted that I am flowing down a river and just need to relax and surrender to what feels right for me. Last night, my partner laid out several of her (larger) pretty/soft shirts for me to try on. She laughed and chided me (good-naturedly) when she saw how happy I was wearing them. Each day feels like a step in maturing into my true self.
I don't hate my body or even my genitals. After 61 years with it, I feel pretty conditioned to life with this configuration. But it does feel "odd" and physically uncomfortable to me. I have no idea at this point what I may decide to do about that. I'm not at all enthusiastic about entering into the medical system (for any reason). My partner has asked, "If someone could snap their fingers and give you good results of a sex-reassignment surgery, would you want it." Yes, I would.
Something I wonder often is this: Why should gender matter at all to me? I have male anatomy, but I don't identify with "being a man." So couldn't I just "be me" (when I work out what that is in its entirety) in the body I have and wear and do whatever I please? Since I have no desire to emulate society's image of masculinity, why would I want to do that with its feminine menu of options? This is where I am in puzzling through what's inside of me.
Irrespective of the eventual results of those choices, I'll need to confront what to tell my mother (81 years old) when she visits us in June. I know that I don't need to tell her everything that's in my heart, but there will be enough visible in me and in my relationship with my partner that it will be obvious to her that a lot has changed since we saw her last year. And it's important to me to try to be as authentic with my mother as I can - even when it's uncomfortable.
That's my story so far. Thank you for being here and being yourselves. You are all shining lights in this world.
"Pema"
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Mrs. Oliphant on April 24, 2025, 03:10:49 PM
Post by: Mrs. Oliphant on April 24, 2025, 03:10:49 PM
Quote from: flowers_and_trees on April 24, 2025, 02:49:59 PMSince I have no desire to emulate society's image of masculinity, why would I want to do that with its feminine menu of options? This is where I am in puzzling through what's inside of me.I've been wrestling with these questions for almost a decade, flowers and trees, and, it seems to me, you're much closer to 'best' answers than I may ever be. Welcome aboard. I love this space and look forward to hearing more about your most intriguing story.
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 24, 2025, 03:16:52 PM
Post by: Northern Star Girl on April 24, 2025, 03:16:52 PM
@flowers_and_trees
Dear Pema:
I have noticed that you have just registered today as a new member and
this is your very first posting here on INTRODUCTIONS...
All of us on the Forum are very glad that you found us and that you are now here among us.
Here on the Forum we have members coming from all backgrounds and with a variety of experiences.
I am wishing you a Warm Welcome to Susan's Place!
I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your
future postings, comments and thoughts.
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the site and use the available features. Look especially at the LINKS in RED...
...there are answers to questions that most new members ask.
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I will now let you get back to this posted topic... there should be some
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Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Lori Dee on April 24, 2025, 05:38:34 PM
Post by: Lori Dee on April 24, 2025, 05:38:34 PM
Hello, Pema!
Welcome to Susan's Place.
We may not have all the answers here, but I can assure you that many of our members can relate to your story. Thank you for sharing!
Everyone is welcome here, no matter where you are on your journey. If you need help, just ask. You will find a ton of support and information.
Welcome aboard.
Welcome to Susan's Place.
We may not have all the answers here, but I can assure you that many of our members can relate to your story. Thank you for sharing!
Everyone is welcome here, no matter where you are on your journey. If you need help, just ask. You will find a ton of support and information.
Welcome aboard.
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: ChrissyRyan on April 24, 2025, 06:15:00 PM
Post by: ChrissyRyan on April 24, 2025, 06:15:00 PM
Welcome Pema!
Chrissy
Chrissy
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Sephirah on April 24, 2025, 06:26:57 PM
Post by: Sephirah on April 24, 2025, 06:26:57 PM
Welcome to the site, honey.
If I can suggest one thing though... the life you had went a long way towards making you who you are. Don't see it as ended. I don't mean in terms of physical changes. I mean in terms of the people you touched, the dreams you had and the life you lived. Embrace it in who you are now. Because those last years played a big part in that, okay? Embrace the past in the future. Don't write it off, because it is as big a part of you as the voice telling you to change.
*hugs*
If I can suggest one thing though... the life you had went a long way towards making you who you are. Don't see it as ended. I don't mean in terms of physical changes. I mean in terms of the people you touched, the dreams you had and the life you lived. Embrace it in who you are now. Because those last years played a big part in that, okay? Embrace the past in the future. Don't write it off, because it is as big a part of you as the voice telling you to change.
*hugs*
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: tgirlamg on April 24, 2025, 06:43:10 PM
Post by: tgirlamg on April 24, 2025, 06:43:10 PM
Welcome Aboard Pema!!! All good things to you as you move forward and discover the amazing life that has always patiently awaited you!!!
Onward!!!
Ashley 💕
Onward!!!
Ashley 💕
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Lilis on April 24, 2025, 11:15:55 PM
Post by: Lilis on April 24, 2025, 11:15:55 PM
Hi Pema,
Welcome to Susan's!
~ Lilis 🫂
Welcome to Susan's!
~ Lilis 🫂
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Annaliese on April 25, 2025, 06:05:23 AM
Post by: Annaliese on April 25, 2025, 06:05:23 AM
Welcome to Susan's Place Pema. You will find you have joined a very welcoming community. I hope you continue to be the person you are. Hugs 🫂 🤗 Annaliese.
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: davina61 on April 25, 2025, 07:48:03 AM
Post by: davina61 on April 25, 2025, 07:48:03 AM
61 was when I started my new life, much of what you say was the same for me. Enjoy the new you XX
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: flowers_and_trees on April 25, 2025, 09:05:48 PM
Post by: flowers_and_trees on April 25, 2025, 09:05:48 PM
Thank you all for your warm welcomes. I look forward to getting to know you.
Pema
Pema
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: April Marie on April 26, 2025, 04:23:12 AM
Post by: April Marie on April 26, 2025, 04:23:12 AM
Welcome, Pema!! While each of us is unique, we often share many commonalities, too. Most of us deal with questions similar to yours to one degree or another. And, the reality is that, often, we don't find all the answers.
Many in our generation find themselves late, or at least begin to recognize and act on our truth, because we had no real choices given how we would have been perceived and treated in society back then. I was almost 68 when I finally began to seek answers to the questions swirling in my mind.
Have you considered working with a gender qualified therapist? Many of us find that to be a key to finding our answers, as well as in deciding on a path forward to live our best lives.
In any case, welcome to Susan's and I look forward to getting to know you!
Many in our generation find themselves late, or at least begin to recognize and act on our truth, because we had no real choices given how we would have been perceived and treated in society back then. I was almost 68 when I finally began to seek answers to the questions swirling in my mind.
Have you considered working with a gender qualified therapist? Many of us find that to be a key to finding our answers, as well as in deciding on a path forward to live our best lives.
In any case, welcome to Susan's and I look forward to getting to know you!
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: TanyaG on April 26, 2025, 07:23:44 AM
Post by: TanyaG on April 26, 2025, 07:23:44 AM
Hi Pema and a very warm welcome,
Somehow I missed your introduction when you posted it, so apologies for not saying hello before. It's not uncommon for people to realise they are trans when they're in their fifties, sixties or even later and there are members here who share your experience in that respect.
You sound very like me, except I am a doctor, but like you might be from the way you write, I'm non-binary and quite content with a gender identity mix in my head that's neither masculine, nor feminine, but has traits that fit me stolen from each in a kind of gender self-assembly. I'm fine with that, but like you, if someone could do a snap their fingers reassignment, I'd go for it, but otherwise not.
So hey, there are no rules for you and I and the great adventure we share is we get to make them up. With a partner as empathic as yours I hope you'll enjoy the journey.
Thinking of your impending appointment with your mother, I've pooled the experience I've gained personally and that of trans people I've worked with over the years here about how to tell someone who is cis that you're trans (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249184.msg2283274.html#msg2283274) and hopefully it will help you work out an approach with your wonderful partner's help, but there's lots of advice elsewhere on Susan's too.
Somehow I missed your introduction when you posted it, so apologies for not saying hello before. It's not uncommon for people to realise they are trans when they're in their fifties, sixties or even later and there are members here who share your experience in that respect.
You sound very like me, except I am a doctor, but like you might be from the way you write, I'm non-binary and quite content with a gender identity mix in my head that's neither masculine, nor feminine, but has traits that fit me stolen from each in a kind of gender self-assembly. I'm fine with that, but like you, if someone could do a snap their fingers reassignment, I'd go for it, but otherwise not.
So hey, there are no rules for you and I and the great adventure we share is we get to make them up. With a partner as empathic as yours I hope you'll enjoy the journey.
Thinking of your impending appointment with your mother, I've pooled the experience I've gained personally and that of trans people I've worked with over the years here about how to tell someone who is cis that you're trans (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249184.msg2283274.html#msg2283274) and hopefully it will help you work out an approach with your wonderful partner's help, but there's lots of advice elsewhere on Susan's too.
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Alana1990 on April 26, 2025, 09:39:51 PM
Post by: Alana1990 on April 26, 2025, 09:39:51 PM
Welcome, Pema
Alana
Alana
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Annaliese on April 28, 2025, 10:00:34 AM
Post by: Annaliese on April 28, 2025, 10:00:34 AM
Welcome Pema, so glad you joind us here. I'm 66 and just starting my new journey into womanhood and am enjoying the the company of everyone here. You will find everyone here is very welcoming and helpful. Please don't hesitate to ask for any advise or assistance here. 🤗 Annaliese
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: Camille58S on May 06, 2025, 06:42:39 PM
Post by: Camille58S on May 06, 2025, 06:42:39 PM
Welcome Pema!
This sight has come to feel like a home to me. The sisters here are so helpful!
I hope you find answers to your questions. You seem very insightful, judging from your introduction! I agree with your thoughts about emulating societies images of masculinity and femininity. Well put. Again, welcome.
This sight has come to feel like a home to me. The sisters here are so helpful!
I hope you find answers to your questions. You seem very insightful, judging from your introduction! I agree with your thoughts about emulating societies images of masculinity and femininity. Well put. Again, welcome.
Title: Re: Newborn at 61
Post by: flowers_and_trees on May 06, 2025, 10:05:11 PM
Post by: flowers_and_trees on May 06, 2025, 10:05:11 PM
Thank you, @Camille58S. I've been here a short time and already I feel like it is a home and that I've met many sisters and brothers who have shown me great kindness. Now you're one, too.