Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone. It seems alot of times the people who hate us and oppress us the most claim that we "chose" to be transgender. They also claim that it's not really natural.

I don't get it simply because if sex was the only determining factor of gender and gender identity really is a choice then wouldn't everyone be changing theirs?

That argument just confuses me so I just decided to start a thread I guess. Any additional thoughts would be appreciated!

It chose me. I had hoped that I wouldn't  have to deal with  transition. I  am too much of a  coward to have  committed  suicide but I hoped  I would be  killed in a fight or car or motorcycle  accident. 

I find that my mannerisms and body language are very confusing to others if I present as male yet very understandable presenting female.

It is great to be able to order stuff at the seafood counter and have the fishmonger understand you perfectly, right down to addressing you as "miss."

Sure I chose this, I chose not to kill myself.

Research is ongoing, but the state of knowledge at the moment is that gender identity is biological.  Biological sex is between the legs, and biological gender is between the ears.  We don't have a choice: we are born this way.

The only choice is what to do about it.  Some people deny it.  Fine for them if they can make it work.  Some people handle it with therapy alone.  Some handle it with lifestyle changes.  Some handle it medically.  Those are all choices that we make.  But the basic fact of being born with gender and sex that don't match is something we have no control over.

Hi Everyone

Does the argument that we are "choosing this" really hold water?
I never chose anything about who I am.  That means I never chose the label transgender; I never have and I never will.  I never chose to be female either.  I only knew I was a female after living as a woman for more than twenty one years.

One childhood memory proves this to me and the connection only revealed itself when I realised I had always been female, just recently.  I was digging through a pile of clothes searching for something feminine and in that instant without conscious thought I felt completely at home.  That moment tells me I was already female long before I could name it.

Even if gender were purely a conscious decision I would still choose to be female.  I keep my past private so I do not face discrimination.  People cannot reject what they never know and since I only knew I was a female myself there is nothing to disclose.

When someone calls my life "not natural," not that anybody has, I remind myself that nature is not perfect; chromosomes and bodies do not always align with who we are.  My genes will never read XX yet surgery has already shaped my body to match my identity and there is nothing left to fix.  I accept myself exactly as I am because mind and body now stand in harmony.

Some say questioning thoughts are unavoidable yet I never wrestled with doubts about who I was.  Instead I asked myself what I wanted and then I pursued it.  I could not get enough of life as Sarah so I followed that path without overthinking.

So does the claim that we simply "choose" this stand up? Yes and no.  Yes because I would always choose to live as the woman I am.  No because gender is innate and unchanging for me.  That apparent yes or no split is a true dichotomy yet the two sides fit once you see that choice shapes how openly I live and at the same time reflects who I have always been.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Sometimes, during flights of fancy when all the woes of 'why me, Lord' and the need to shout 'I am' fade into silence, I think to myself: why wouldn't any normal elderly male want to experience, if only for a time, being a woman? I mean, Tiresias loved it. I have never contemplated suicide due to my gender variance, but I feel as though I have endured a thousand deaths every time someone I love turned their back to me because of my asserted femineity. Now, when that happens, I no longer fall into despair; I put on a pretty dress and go about the business of being me. Athena, Big Kim, Maid Marion, Kathy Lauren, and Sarah B--thank you for sharing your responses to CosmicJoke's question. I've been seeking an answer since I was four years old and wore one of my sister's dresses for the first time. She doesn't remember that moment, but I will never forget it. None of us will.     

Hi Dances With Trees

You said:

Quote from: Dances With Trees on July 09, 2025, 07:57:33 PMNow, when that happens, I no longer fall into despair; I put on a pretty dress and go about the business of being me. Athena, Big Kim, Maid Marion, Kathy Lauren, and Sarah B--thank you for sharing your responses to CosmicJoke's question. I've been seeking an answer since I was four years old and wore one of my sister's dresses for the first time. She doesn't remember that moment, but I will never forget it. None of us will.

No thank you and you are more than welcome.  Doing what makes you happy is the key and you have certainly seen what happens when you follow what you want to do.  As for me, I have never regretted what I have done, will be eternally grateful to my surgeon and have lived my life in contentment and happiness as a result.

You now understand that memory you have from when you were four years old.  You may not have known why you felt happy at the time, but that moment shows a part of who you are has been present since childhood.  Just as I only recently realised that my search for feminine clothes meant for me, that I had always been female.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Dances With Trees

There is no argument about this being a choice for us, just uninformed opinion driven by prejudice. All the medical authorities agree it is not a choice and that is why they oppose conversion practices.

I REALLY don't want to be trans, and I fought it with everything I had for 65 years, but I had to accept who I was and transition to stay alive. TBH, I am still fighting it, attempting to reclaim as much of my previous life as I can, knowing I have a definite need to affirm the gender identity I just cannot change. All my life I chose to not give in to the increasing dysphoria , but I got to the point where my doctors and I had to accept I didn't have a choice.

We are born this way, and at present, there is no way to change our internal sense of self. There is a bucket load of scientific findings to indicate how and why this occurs, but it is simply dismissed by those who refuse to let go of last century misinformation. We can choose what we do about being trans to an extent, but we can't choose to be or not to be Trans.

Hugs,

Allie

Some people lack clarity about their gender status.
Maybe that is one reason why people sometimes say this is something we choose.
If confused they may say that they choose to try transitioning and see how it goes.

I really do not know though.

Many of us know we were not raised in the correct gender and we just do our best now to live our lives in our correct gender.  So it is not a choice, other than a clear decision to take positive action to fix the problem.

Chrissy

No we dont choose to be transgender as purported by those who think we are transtrenders. I didnt choose this, its a predisposition and ingrained since birth like with your habits and your brain not matching your body's biological sex. People can say what they want to and hate people who are different from them but it doesnt mean they arent wrong and the one who speaks the loudest and screams and is a bigot and prejudice is probably transgender or gay themselves but hates the fact that they are.

Regardless we make the choice to transition physically and bodily, but not by being transgender itself.

:police: No need to keep dropping "transtrenders" on the site, thank you. It's a derogatory term and generally used by our detractors.  :police:

Oh I apologize then, i dont like using the word either. Ive been called it once. Its pretty horrible.

What about the word "transgenderite(s)"? 

This is something I've often thought about. I definitely didn't choose to feel this way. Many of my early posts here were about how much pain I was experiencing from GD. I certainly wasn't choosing to feel that pain. I tried so hard to not transition, but, the constant feeling of wrongness and being uncomfortable in my own body was too much. I made the decision to get hormones, which I've been on for 8 weeks, and I'm the happiest I've ever felt.  :D

Quote from: Alana Ashleigh on July 10, 2025, 03:50:18 PMI'm the happiest I've ever felt

That's so encouraging, Alana. I'm three weeks into HRT and things have been a bit bouncy. No regrets, but I look forward to following your posts. Fingers crossed my trajectory is similar to yours.

@CosmicJoke thank you for this conversation! 💓

I'd say I choose to stop hiding, to live authentically, and to acknowledge the woman that have always been beneath the layers of survival, social expectations, and silence.

But being transgender? That was never a choice.

I'll describe it like a revelation, a remembering, an unfolding of who I've always been.

Fighting through dysphoria, confusion, repression, and grief, not because I chose to be different, but because I was never given permission to be myself.

And even now, in my transition, I'm still unlearning, still awakening, still rising.

That is not choice.

That is survival, and alignment.

~ Lilis 🌷

Each day when I take my HRT meds I still think that is an affirming action.
Then I glance at my evolving body, the changes ever so slowly now though, touch my breasts as if to confirm they are there, and smile.  This is all a good feeling, a nice ritual if you will, each day.  Perhaps that sounds silly.

Chrissy

As some here have mentioned, being trans (i.e., gender dysphoria, etc) is not a choice, any more than being diabetic is a choice.

Doing something about it (i.e., transition) is a choice.

But so is taking insulin if you're a diabetic.

It's annoying that so many people equate "transgender" with "transitioning."

I am a woman and that is all that really matters to me.

I love being treated as a woman.

When I am not, I am disappointed.  I know that can sting, depending on the situation.
I do expect it to happen though.


Chrissy

Quote from: CosmicJoke on July 09, 2025, 03:32:27 PMHi everyone. It seems alot of times the people who hate us and oppress us the most claim that we "chose" to be transgender. They also claim that it's not really natural.

I don't get it simply because if sex was the only determining factor of gender and gender identity really is a choice then wouldn't everyone be changing theirs?

That argument just confuses me so I just decided to start a thread I guess. Any additional thoughts would be appreciated!

Choice is something that is weaponized and loses a lot of its meaning these days. For someone to say they choose something, automatically leads people to the assertion of "Well you could just as easily have not chose that thing. It's something which is wielded to trivialise something that people go through. Because they make a conscious decision. Making the idea itself largely polarizing and weighted no matter which way you think.

But I think, personally, that choice is the one... and perhaps only aspect of who we are as human beings, which separates us from every other animal on the planet. We have the ability to make choices, rather than act on instinct. On reflex. That's fine if you're a gibbon, swinging from a tree, and you don't like the look of that branch you want to jump to... muscle memory is awesome. Go reach for that twig!

As people we have the cognitive function to see all (or most) angles of a situation and make a choice based on what is best for... well, if not us, then the situation as a whole. It is somewhat of an unpopular opinion but I am firmly of the belief that what people do about who they are is very definitely a choice. They could choose to do nothing. But they don't. People choose to take the steps that allow them to live their lives the best way they can.

And... the only thing I would say is that there are probably a few thousand people who view these forums regularly, questioning themselves, who do not see themselves as transgender. Because they choose not to. Choice is a very divisive word. And it's used against us in the worst way. But it can be our greatest freedom.

The whole "not natural" thing is a whole different thing. And claimed by people who should know better.

Buying guy clothes isn't an option if you are too small to wear the find clothes made by Peter Manning.
I have some of his stuff.  There are few options for small guys.  I bought some sewing machines to alter clothes but I haven't used them in years.
Instead of hemming pants I can wear ankle length pants or some other cropped size for women.

Instead of trying to find size 5 shoes I now wear size 7 heels.  ;D

Quote from: Sephirah on July 12, 2025, 05:06:51 PMIt is somewhat of an unpopular opinion but I am firmly of the belief that what people do about who they are is very definitely a choice. They could choose to do nothing. But they don't. People choose to take the steps that allow them to live their lives the best way they can.

And... the only thing I would say is that there are probably a few thousand people who view these forums regularly, questioning themselves, who do not see themselves as transgender. Because they choose not to. Choice is a very divisive word. And it's used against us in the worst way. But it can be our greatest freedom.

The whole "not natural" thing is a whole different thing. And claimed by people who should know better.

So many times I have talked with people who are miserable in their lives. They continue to do nothing about it and stay miserable. I tell them that there is a way out, there is a choice. I choose to be happy, whatever that involves. If it means packing up everything I own and leaving the situation, then so be it. I have made that choice many times, even recently. I have never regretted it.

Being transgender is not a choice any more than having Down's Syndrome is a choice. Bigots like to say it is a genetic "defect" or a mental illness. It is not. It is just a NATURAL variation that is very common in Nature. The choice is what you choose to do about it. For some people, it is ok to do nothing. For some, it becomes a disability that totally disrupts their lives. Such a disruptive condition can lead to severe consequences in physical and mental health.

The choice again follows, "What will you do about it?"

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 12, 2025, 05:55:11 PMSo many times I have talked with people who are miserable in their lives. They continue to do nothing about it and stay miserable. I tell them that there is a way out, there is a choice. I choose to be happy, whatever that involves. If it means packing up everything I own and leaving the situation, then so be it. I have made that choice many times, even recently. I have never regretted it.

Being transgender is not a choice any more than having Down's Syndrome is a choice. Bigots like to say it is a genetic "defect" or a mental illness. It is not. It is just a NATURAL variation that is very common in Nature. The choice is what you choose to do about it. For some people, it is ok to do nothing. For some, it becomes a disability that totally disrupts their lives. Such a disruptive condition can lead to severe consequences in physical and mental health.

The choice again follows, "What will you do about it?"

Yeah I agree, Lori. Being born a certain way is not a choice. What you do about it very much is. And this, I fear, is what most people don't understand, and what they levy against us. You can't choose your circumstances, you can, and should choose how you deal with them. And no one should hold that against you.

I am choosing: hate myself and the world will tolerate me better, or love myself and the world will hate me (for the most part).  Simple as that.  To expect understanding from that world... seems futile/silly/unlikely.  How I see it n e way.

I dress well and treat the people I deal with even better.
I am more assertive and instead of guessing, talk with people to make sure I get what I want.

I ordered take out too early the other day so the appetizer choice was unavailable.
It was a nice restaurant so I told them to have the chef decide for me.  It was easier for both of us!
It turned out to be boiled potato with a delicious sauce.

I can afford to leave good tips, so I do that when I eat out.
I think they remember that more than what I wore that day.

Quote from: Maid Marion on July 17, 2025, 08:54:30 AMI dress well and treat the people I deal with even better.
I am more assertive and instead of guessing, talk with people to make sure I get what I want.

I ordered take out too early the other day so the appetizer choice was unavailable.
It was a nice restaurant so I told them to have the chef decide for me.  It was easier for both of us!
It turned out to be boiled potato with a delicious sauce.

I can afford to leave good tips, so I do that when I eat out.
I think they remember that more than what I wore that day.

I agree. I think in some ways being a woman has made me a nicer and more compassionate person that I really wasn't before at all.

If I hadn't transitioned I don't think that would be the case.

Quote from: KatieLee on July 16, 2025, 01:29:03 PMI am choosing: hate myself and the world will tolerate me better, or love myself and the world will hate me (for the most part).  Simple as that.  To expect understanding from that world... seems futile/silly/unlikely.  How I see it n e way.

What does it matter that the world tolerates you if you hate yourself?. I am not religious but the people who wrote the Bible had it right when, in Mark 8:36, they said: "What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?" (I am using the New International version because the whole man this man that grates on me). It doesn't make you feel any better, Katie. That is kind of the point. It's dressing hate up in a different costume. It isn't even about loving yourself. It's about feeling like you deserve as much of a chance as anyone else in the world.

Don't expect anything from the world. Expect it from yourself. Be the change you want to see in the world, as a very wise dude once said. The only person we all have to answer to, when all is said and done, is ourselves. When everything else falls away. When all we have left is the mirror.

Seeking other peoples' approval is like a never ending hunger. If it's not there within you then this hunger will never be satiated. Because it can't be. It's like a black hole trying to devour your whole universe. And the bigger it gets, the more it needs to eat. It's a cycle that will ultimately lead to self-destruction.

I certainly did not choose to be transgender. I've been so all my life.
Most people just don't understand, and how would they? They've never known what it is to be in the wrong body and have the wrong hormones coursing through you. You need to walk in our shoes to understand transgender.
I suppose we need to be patient.

Ciara.

Quote from: Ciara on July 19, 2025, 12:30:15 PMI certainly did not choose to be transgender. I've been so all my life.
Most people just don't understand, and how would they? They've never known what it is to be in the wrong body and have the wrong hormones coursing through you. You need to walk in our shoes to understand transgender.
I suppose we need to be patient.

Ciara.
[/quote

Or the experience of looking into a mirror, and seeing a stranger looking back at them. It's such a soul crushing experience.