Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Here we go.

I've never been one to write much down. Lately, with SO much stuff bouncing around in between my ears, I've found that it can be helpful. I've read bits of some of the other blogs here and they give me hope and scare the hell out of me at the same time. I read some of your stories and I think, "Hey, stop doubting yourself. You can do this!" Then sometimes I get daunted by the long road ahead of me and I think quite the opposite. I know my fears aren't so different from many others but when I'm in my head it feels like I'm the only one.

So, for context, a little bit of history. It was around the age of 11 or 12 when I came to the realization that there was something different about me. That age when the boys and girls start to "notice" each other in that way. Attractions start to form and before you know it, that girl who was just a classmate last year is now your crush. At that same time I noticed something else stirring within me. The desire to be a girl was far more powerful than my attraction to them. I never thought, "What's wrong with me? Why am I this way?" I just knew it was something I needed. I also knew that it was something that I could never have. Remember that this was the mid-80's and this wasn't a topic that was discussed much or even acknowledged. There was no way I could tell anyone. I just had to keep it inside and grow into the young man I was expected to be. All the while I'd go to sleep every night wishing that I'd wake up in the morning and realize it had all been a dream and that I really was a girl.

I would have given anything for that.

Over the the course of nearly 40 years I got really good at hiding and squashing all of those feelings. I could go a long time without that longing and that feeling that I should have been something else. Those thoughts and emotions would lie dormant for awhile but they would always come back, stronger than before. Then, over the past few years I've been consumed by them. I finally reached a breaking point and came out to a therapist a few weeks ago. I start regular visits with her on Monday.

Anyways, that's a brief history of Jen. That brings us to the present, where I'm standing on the edge and paralyzed with fear about taking the leap. I know I want it but the question is whether or not I can find the courage to do it.

Time will tell.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Peace, love and happiness,
Jen

Hi Jen,

Good luck with seeing a therapist to sort things out.

Marion

Welcome to the blog zone Jen!

You do indeed sound a bit poised to jump off the cliff... I suspect soon you will feel more fear about not jumping... than jumping! Take this all at the speed that feels right! 🌸

It doesn't need to be quite as dramatic as a swan dive into the void but, often there are smaller leaps of faith that we feel compelled to take on... each one made brings one closer to the realization that yes... all things are possible and our life is truly what we make it to be..🌸

You can approach this all in any way you please... all possibilities are yours to explore as you chart your path... it is good to read the experiences of others but, your journey will be uniquely your own..🌸

Keep the light of hope in your heart and let it guide you... listen to your fears but dont let them be the loudest voice in your head or take the steering wheel from your hand...🌸

All shall be well little sister!🌸

Here is a snippet of Walt Whitman's Song Of The Open Road for this new place you find yourself... It speaks to finding yourself, your place in the world and your place amongst others along life's journey...

From this hour I ordain myself loos'd of limits and imaginary lines,
Going where I list, my own master total and absolute,
Listening to others, considering well what they say,
Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating,
Gently, but with undeniable will, divesting myself of the holds that would hold me.
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are mine.

I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.

All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.

Hugs!,

Ashley 🌻

Hello Jen!

Welcome to your new home here on Susan's Place.

We are happy to have you join us in the Blogosphere. It is wonderful that you found the courage to reach out to a therapist. They will not give you the answers, but will ask the right questions to help you decide for yourself. When things get tough (and they will), your therapist will be able to help you across the obstacles. And of course, we will always be here to offer support, advice, and a friendly ear.

Get settled in. Rearrange the furniture however you like, and we will check in on you from time to time. Looking forward to reading your stories.  🙂

Welcome to your blog, Jen! I agree that writing things out can help clarify them in my mind.

I appreciate hearing about how you became aware of your incongruity, how you set it aside, and how it resurfaced.

I strongly second Ashley's suggestion of taking it in whatever-sized steps feel right for you. I'm a pretty slow-and-methodical person, but also eager to move things along when I'm clear about what's next. I think you'll find that there are easier and simpler things that can help you progress toward feeling more at ease. With those in place, there's a good chance the next step will become apparent.

Enough from me. Please share more about your experiences when you feel like it.

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
It is always wonderful for me to see our members start their own member Blog Thread on the Forum.
I eagerly look forward to following your journey along with your other readers and followers
only if you feel comfortable sharing.

I am so very happy to see that you have started your very own Blog thread here on the Forum.

You can consider your Blog thread as your HOME here on the Forum where your readers and
followers can  find you to leave their comments and to share with you. 

Also your Blog thread is your shared personal journal that you can use to write down your thoughts
and comments as you navigate your journey and life endeavors.

I have some older Blog threads here from several years ago that I still go back to
read what I had shared...  great memories of my trials and tribulations as I documented
my own journey. 

I also keep a personal "old school" pen & paper journey for my eyes only... complete with
colorful doodling and snapshot pictures. 
On a cold and rainy night I can be found in my comfy chair in front of my warm fireplace
reading over some of my past writings... sometimes with tears in my eyes and sometimes
with a smile on my face.

As you feel free to share your story you can find comfort in knowing that when you
share your heartache, trials, difficulties and unpleasant experiences that test your
resilience and strength... that you will have like-minded members and friends here that
will be at your side to offer their shoulders for you to lean on and their ears to listen.
On the other hand, when you share your successes, accomplishments,and happy moments we will
rejoice with you and help you to celebrate those good times in your journey.

I look forward to following your "Discovering Jen" Blog thread and I also am
eagerly looking for your future postings around the various threads on the Forum.

My warmest HUGS ... and happy Blogging and Journaling
                              ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  :icon_flower:  :)
The Forum Administrator             My direct Email:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Welcome to the "basement" I like to think its more a party room! Anyway good wishes with your new adventure, I may not be able to give a lot of advice as my adventure went so easy it was unbelievable. No therapy for me as I have a very stable mind and do what I need.

My first few days here have been remarkable. It's hard to believe at first that a community such as this exists online. I haven't seen one snide comment, rude remark or personal attack. Instead I've seen a gathering of kind, caring and supportive souls. Just lurking around and reading comments on various topics makes me happy and encourages me.

So, as I've mentioned before, I am still way in the back of the closet. Susan's is the very first place I've come to as Jen— as a woman. (Just the act of typing that for the very first time makes me giddy.) Being able to be open in that way, being referred to in the feminine for the first time just brings up so much emotion for me. @tgirlamg even called me "little sister." OMG girl, a million hugs for that! I actually started to cry.

Something unexpected hit me as all of this is happening. I cannot begin to describe how good it feels when I see comments addressed to me as Jen and not my male name. I was unprepared for that level of awesomeness. 

There was one not so happy thing I was going to talk about but I think I'll save it and keep riding the wave I'm on right now.

Peace, love and happiness,
Jen

P.S. With the wife and kids out of town for the night I took the opportunity to "dress" 😉 in something far more comfortable- and comforting- than my usual attire, further adding to the amazing mood I'm in. It's been quite some time and it feels so good and so right.

 @Jen T.

It is always a wonderful feeling for us to read how others feel as they begin their journey. It is so good to see someone finally discover themselves and realize their true path.

Thank you for inviting us along for the ride.

Hugs!

Jen!

I remember well how affirming all these firsts can be... Enjoy them all and enjoy the liberation they can bring!... You have waited a lifetime for many of these things and your patience is being finally rewarded! 🌸

It is going to be a pleasure to see your life open up and blossom for you little sister!🌻

Hugs!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: Jen T. on July 30, 2025, 07:52:05 PMI haven't seen one snide comment, rude remark or personal attack.

Don't get us started, Lol. /jk  ;D

Quote from: Lilis on July 30, 2025, 11:27:40 PMDon't get us started, Lol. /jk  ;D

Wouldn't dream of it... or would I?  :icon_yes:

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
          I have GOOD NEWS for you....
I am pleased to inform you that now you have reached the threshold of 15 postings
on the Forum you now have 2 extra permissions as a member.

1.  You can now send/receive Forum Private Messages

2.  You can also upload an Avatar photo on your profile, it can either
    be a personal picture of your choosing or you also have the choice of a variety
    of Gallery pictures.
          Click your FORUM PROFILE tab: (That is where you entered you birthday and your pronouns)                 
                        >  Personalized picture
                        >  No avatar
                        >  Choose avatar from gallery
                        >  Specify avatar by URL
                        >  Upload an avatar

Please let me know if you would desire assistance.
You can leave a comment here on your Blog thread, send me a Forum Private Message or
contact me via my Direct Email alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Warmly, Danielle {Northern Star Girl]
    The Forum Administrator

Congratulations!

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
I see that you have successfully uploaded an Avatar picture on your profile.

               Nicely done !!!

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Jen T. on July 31, 2025, 08:38:50 PMWouldn't dream of it... or would I?  :icon_yes:

Awesome...  ;D

YAYYYY! You're full fledged girl! 😀👍

Onward!

Ashley 💕

I've been existing in this constant state of nervous excitement. I know that I am closer than ever to revealing to those around me who I really am. I imagine the sense of release when that happens will be huge and I desperately want to feel that, even though I know the potential for it blowing up in my face is high. I just want to get it over with and turn the page. But what if it costs me my family? Could I live with that? Am I selfish for wanting this so much? Even if it costs my family their own happiness?

My fear and self-doubt love to bombard me with these worst-case scenarios so I won't do anything risky. It's been that way my whole life. Eventually I'll get over that fear but it will take some time. The difference now is that for the first time I'm actually trying to overcome it rather than just live with it. That's a large part of what's fueling that nervous excitement I was talking about.

Then there's the Great Orange Goblin problem. Emperor Don I, who on his very first day told every transgender American that we don't exist. Or at the very least, don't count. I never took his rhetoric so personally before but I was never so close to coming out, either. Now it's another layer to my fear. It's a terrible feeling to know that your government doesn't have your back. Of course, I guess this is what every single person in our country who isn't a rich, old, straight, white, conservative, Christian male must feel like. Those are the only people who count in the realm of Emperor Don.

Sorry, I really didn't want to get political in this space but I couldn't help it this time. I promise not to make a habit of it. :)

By now you're thinking, "Ok, Jen. That covers the nervousness and fear but what about these broken bones you mentioned?" :D

Well, for some time now I've been dealing with a stress fracture in my foot. Walked around on it for a month before seeking treatment. I kept thinking I just needed new shoes and that's why my foot was hurting. Negative, Ghost Rider. New shoes did help a tiny bit but then it just kept getting worse. Now I'm starting my seventh week with a walking boot and a cane. I go back for another X-ray on the 18th and hopefully I will get the all clear. Everything I've read says it's minimum 6-8 weeks for any type of foot fracture but I can't help but wonder if I'd gotten it looked at sooner... Anybody else have experience with this?

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my ramblings. 🩷

Peace, love and happiness,
Jen

Quote from: Jen T. on August 05, 2025, 08:27:54 PMI've been existing in this constant state of nervous excitement. I know that I am closer than ever to revealing to those around me who I really am. I imagine the sense of release when that happens will be huge and I desperately want to feel that, even though I know the potential for it blowing up in my face is high. I just want to get it over with and turn the page. But what if it costs me my family? Could I live with that? Am I selfish for wanting this so much? Even if it costs my family their own happiness?

My fear and self-doubt love to bombard me with these worst-case scenarios so I won't do anything risky. It's been that way my whole life. Eventually I'll get over that fear but it will take some time. The difference now is that for the first time I'm actually trying to overcome it rather than just live with it. That's a large part of what's fueling that nervous excitement I was talking about.

Jen, I remember this feeling all too well, and if I may, I would like to offer some advice.

First, you must get right with your own mind. One of the strongest fears that humans experience is the fear of loss.
 
As you put it: "But what if it costs me my family? Could I live with that? Am I selfish for wanting this so much? Even if it costs my family their own happiness? " I asked myself these exact same questions for almost three years.

Sometimes, our very survival depends upon our being selfish. You must remember that this is YOUR life and no one is going to live it for you. You must do what you need to do for your own happiness and mental well-being. People come and go from our lives for many reasons. Let them decide if they will stay or go.

Second, it is important to let them know why you are telling them this. Explain to them that you want to tell them in the interest of honesty. Because it is something very personal, you have a hard time telling them. You must also stress that you are the same person they have always known. Nothing has changed except that now they know something very personal to you that you have never told anyone before. But you feel that it is important that you be honest with them and let them know what is going on with you.

The next thing is how you tell them. Many of our members have written "coming out" letters to family and friends. That gives you time to organize your thoughts, say it exactly the way that you want to say it, and they cannot argue with a letter. I did it with telephone calls so I could hear what their reaction would be.

Some will reject it immediately, some will be supportive, and some won't know how to respond if they do at all. Give them time to process. They might be in shock and will need time to adjust. Look at how long it took you to understand it yourself. Give them the time they need. If they want to ask questions, answer truthfully and calmly. This is no one's fault. Being transgender is the way you were born. It has nothing to do with how you were raised; if you were loved enough, neglected, or abused. This happened while you were still in the womb.

Parents often blame themselves if they sense something is "wrong" with their child. Assure them that it is nothing that they did or didn't do.

And the final tip is to let them decide for themselves. Some will never be comfortable with it. But if they decide to no longer be a part of your life, that is their decision, not yours. Think about this: If someone cannot accept you for who you are, do you need them in your life? I decided long ago that I would no longer live my life according to the whims of others. It is my life to live and no one else's. The very least I can do for myself is to be happy for however many years I have left. This is my path. Others are welcome to join me, or go their own way. That is their decision. Life is too short to live it surrounded by negativity.

Our political climate is rough right now, but change is in the wind. People are rising up against the illegal and bigoted policies of this government. "This too shall pass".

You can do this. Take your time. There is no rush. Then, when YOU are ready, talk with them. If you choose to write a letter, write it out and put it away for a few days. Then take it out and read it. Is it exactly what you want to say? Is it how you want to say it? Make whatever changes you need, then put it away again. When you take it out and find that you don't need to change anything you wrote, it is ready.

Good luck. Please let us know how it goes.  🙂

☝️😀 What @Lori Dee said!

Couldn't have said it any better!

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

I saw my therapist today for the first "official" session (the last time was just an "intake" appointment so they could match me with the right therapist). I won't get into specifics but I will say I feel incredible. Having an open, honest, in-depth and in-person conversation with someone other than myself is just about the best thing ever!

Also, as we were wrapping up she tells me that she's going to send me a list of things like reading materials and links to a few things that I might find helpful. I told her about finding Susan's Place a few weeks ago and she lit up. She said that this site was on her list of recommendations. Looks like I came to the right place! 🩷

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

Hi  Jen,

Great to hear you found someone  you can talk to!

Marion

Awesomeness Girl!... Kudos on this step forward towards building the life you want! Amazing things await!

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Time has a way of taking time,
And loneliness is not only felt by fools...
Megadeth- In My Darkest Hour

Lately I feel like time is standing still. So still in fact, that it's taken me fully ten minutes to write these first two sentences. I can't seem to find the words to articulate what I'm thinking and feeling.

One. Hour. Later.

If I could wave my magic wand
I'd make everything all right
RUSH- Presto

I know what my ultimate goal is. If I didn't I wouldn't be here. At least, I know right now what that goal is. I can't say it won't evolve over time. I'm fairly confident that it won't, though. I mentioned in my earlier post about nervous excitement. It makes me wish I had a magic wand to wave around so I could transport myself to that day when I finally step out into the world as the woman I know I'm meant to be. I wish I could meet that version of Jen and ask her for advice. How did she conquer the fear and uncertainty? How did she face all the challenges that come with transitioning? How did she celebrate all the milestones? Did any of her loved ones stick by her through it all?

It is that last question that paralyzes me with fear.

I cannot do this alone. I don't know how I'll find the strength if my family rejects me. So here I am, eager and excited to get started and speed down that road towards my goal... but I'm stuck in neutral.

I realize that got a little heavy for a minute. I feel like I need to point out that I'm not in a dark place. Believe me, I know fully well what depression-fueled crisis feels like and this isn't it. On the contrary, despite all of my fear I feel optimistic. Hopeful. Impatient.

I'm ready to go; I just gotta figure out how to get this broken-down old lemon in gear.

Where did I put that magic wand... 😉

As we keep moving forward... transforming our personal reality... Seeing ourself, our place in the world and our place amongst others through new eyes... experiencing life in ways we never dreamed could truly be ours to enjoy... and seeing that we can make the impossible... possible... We realize that we never needed a magic wand... We ARE the magic wand! 🤗

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on August 11, 2025, 11:02:11 PMWe realize that we never needed a magic wand... We ARE the magic wand!

That is beautiful, Ashley!

Quote from: Jen T. on August 11, 2025, 10:44:36 PMHow did she conquer the fear and uncertainty? How did she face all the challenges that come with transitioning? How did she celebrate all the milestones? Did any of her loved ones stick by her through it all?

When I began my journey, I had the same fears. Hiding my soul for decades had driven me to a dark place. My only options were to fall deeper into darkness, or to release my soul into the light. Only one of those options had the potential of continued existence. I took a leap of faith, faith in myself to overcome any obstacles. I also believed in my strength, the strength of the woman who had been trapped in darkness her entire life. It was she who cracked the shell of darkness.

I was certain many of those who loved the person I was would forsake the person I would become. I told them my truth, then gave them time. No lectures, no deadlines, just time for them to become familiar with who I was becoming. I did lose a sister-in-law, and a few cousins, but everyone else eventually accepted and supported me. My wife and I recently celebrated our 41st Anniversary.

Before I transitioned, I rarely smiled, and I never showed my teeth. Now I smile every day, and occasionally experience a few moments of euphoria when I think about what I have accomplished. Allowing myself to become the person I should have been, instead of the person everyone else expected me to be, is the best celebration of all.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

I am happy that I have transitioned.  There have been some problems.  It is better now for sure.

It is like a weight has been taken away.  It is not all a bed of roses however.  I do not always pass.  Enough though.  It is the voice I think more than anything.


Chrissy

  @Jen T.
Dear Jen:

Your Special Day is TODAY, Monday August 18th

Everyone here on the Forum are wishing you a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY
                                (https://www.susans.org/Smileys/susans/icon_birthday.gif)                 (https://www.susans.org/Smileys/susans/icon_birthday.gif)                (https://www.susans.org/Smileys/susans/icon_birthday.gif) 

I hope that your celebration plans for your birthday includes
                                  CAKE                                   
                                      CANDLES                                     
                                          ICE CREAM
                                              Friends and Family
                                                                  and perhaps a special trip or outing.

                                                      (https://i.imgur.com/BW9uz3jm.jpg)

Please be certain to look at your profile on your Birthday and find a special gift.

Warm wishes to you on your Special Day and your Birthday...
Danielle 
                          (https://i.imgur.com/97U3FVyl.jpg)

Happy Birthday, Jen!

 :icon_birthday:

And may you have many, many more!

Hugs!

🎂🎁🎊🎉🎉🎉💕Happy Birthday Jen!!!💕🎉🎉🎉🎊🎁🎂

@ Danielle, Lori and Ashley
Thank you so much, ladies. You're the best. 😁💖

Happy birthday Jen!

Chrissy

Happy birthday, Jen! I hope it has been and continues to be a wonderful day for you.

Happy birthday dear, missed it due to time difference so hope it was a good one xx

I had an interesting conversation with my wife on Sunday. We were on the phone while she was driving back from out of town and we were talking about the daughter of a friend. The girl has had a rough life, right from birth. Through it all she has a good head on her shoulders and tries to live life the right way. She deserves to find some happiness. Towards that, she's bounced back and forth for some years between boyfriends and girlfriends and back again, in search of the one. I told my wife- not for the first time- that it makes no difference to me who a person finds happiness with as long as they find it. To which she replies, "Right. If you love someone, gender shouldn't matter."

I nearly dropped my phone.

She has no idea how close I am to putting that statement to the test. If you've read my previous blog entries you know how afraid I am of getting the worst possible reaction from her when I come out. That sentence though, coming from her, filled me with so much hope. I've always known she had open and accepting views on a lot of things but would she be so open and accepting if it was her spouse? I wish I could be certain.

I don't know when and I don't know how but eventually I'm going to find out.

Getting back to her statement, I once again felt as if the universe was conspiring against me. Here was a golden opportunity to start the conversation and the timing was no good. Now, I realize the "right time" may never truly present itself but I know what the wrong time looks like and that was it. Not over the phone while she's driving home.

I keep things pretty well hidden. The closet I'm stuck in is more like a furnished studio apartment behind a secret door. However, I do occasionally drop tiny hints, which go completely over my son's head and my wife and daughter pass off as my oddball humor. Then this morning I had a thought. Does she know more than I think she does? Is my secret not as well guarded as I think it is? Was that statement her way of dropping a hint back at me? Am I reading way too much into this and allowing myself to indulge in wishful thinking? The answer to the latter is most likely yes.

A girl can dream, though. Right?
Thanks for reading.


Peace, Love and Happiness,

Jen

Jen, that is very interesting! Do you feel ready to tell her? If so, you could take that statement from her as a conversation starter. "Remember the other day when you said... Well..." And if you do feel ready to do that, you could try to arrange for a "right time" to do it.

I'm not trying to push anything. I'm just asking how ready you feel and whether you might want to try to use this opportunity to move yourself to where you want to be.

Quote from: Pema on August 19, 2025, 11:12:11 PMJen, that is very interesting! Do you feel ready to tell her? If so, you could take that statement from her as a conversation starter. "Remember the other day when you said... Well..." And if you do feel ready to do that, you could try to arrange for a "right time" to do it.

I'm not trying to push anything. I'm just asking how ready you feel and whether you might want to try to use this opportunity to move yourself to where you want to be.

Pema took the words right out of my... keyboard.  ;D

It sounds like she is a loving and accepting person. You are right to worry if she would feel the same way about her spouse, BUT the two of you have a bond already established. She may be even MORE accepting BECAUSE you are her spouse. And maybe, she already knows or suspects and is just waiting for you to bring it up so you two can talk about it.

I am very hopeful for you, but it must be when YOU are ready, and only then. Good luck!  :)  :-*  :-*  😘

Quote from: Pema on August 19, 2025, 11:12:11 PMIf so, you could take that statement from her as a conversation starter. "Remember the other day when you said... Well..."

That is a really good idea and I'm definitely going to use it.
Eventually...

Earlier in the summer, when I first discovered this community and I came out to my therapist, it was a whirlwind of energy and excitement and emotion; nearly all of it positive. For the first time ever I was really hopeful that I actually could get over my fear and finally move forward and let people see on the outside what I'd been feeling inside for decades. The last couple of weeks have been rather the opposite.

The fear is back. "If I come out everyone will reject me and I'll be more alone than ever."

The self-doubt is back. "I don't have the strength or the courage or the confidence to see it all the way through. When it gets too hard I'll just give up."

Even the good old fashioned self-hatred. "Just who the hell do you think you are? You don't deserve to be happy. Life dealt you a hand you don't like and that's just too bad. Suck it up and drop this fantasy."

This all comes after spending eleven weeks with a walking boot and a cane as I recovered from a broken foot. That experience really wasn't as bad as it sounds but it had me thinking of all the other physical challenges I'll be dragging into my transition. I've got a bad back, two arthritic knees and need more dental work than I can possibly afford. On top of that there's sleep apnea, morbid obesity and baldness.

So, when I spend time inside my own head swirling that all around the whirlwind of excitement becomes a giant depression tornado. I've taken up residence in the eye of that storm before and (barely) lived through it. Not looking to live there again. 

I know ups and downs are normal and this down period will pass but the longer it goes on the worse it feels. I did do something fun the other day. I found a school photo of me in 1988 at age 15 and used AI to feminize it, complete with big 80's hair. 😀 It's my new favorite photo of me. It's the person I lived every day as a teenager wishing I could be.

I know she's still in there and I'm not giving up on her.
Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

Quote from: Jen T. on September 15, 2025, 10:03:27 PMI know she's still in there and I'm not giving up on her.

Jen, we were just discussing something similar with Elizabeth. Check out some of the replies to her post. Maybe there is something there that can provide some inspiration.

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,251994.msg2314741.html#msg2314741

Never let the negative thoughts get the better of you. In psychology, we call them ANTs or NATs. Automatic Negative Thoughts are the negative self-talk that we all experience. The best way to counter them is to "prove" they are not true.

For example, "Nothing good ever happens to me." That is easy enough to prove false by just remembering the good things that have happened.

"If I come out everyone will reject me and I'll be more alone than ever." That is a real fear that many of us have faced. The keyword here is "everyone". No, not "everyone" will reject you. Some might, but others will not.

"I don't have the strength or the courage or the confidence to see it all the way through. When it gets too hard I'll just give up." Look back at your life and all of the hardships you have ever faced. Some seemed insurmountable, and yet you are still here. No problem that you have ever faced has beaten you, and they never will as long as you don't give up.

"Just who the hell do you think you are? You don't deserve to be happy. Life dealt you a hand you don't like and that's just too bad. Suck it up and drop this fantasy." You are Jen. Yes, sometimes life sucks, but you find a way through. Deep inside, you know who you are. It is not a fantasy. It is more real than that negative voice in your head. By embracing who we know that we are, we unburden ourselves and we become happier people. The more that this happens, it reinforces our confidence that we are on the correct path. Smack that devil off your shoulder because Jen is in charge here. 🙂

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
Thank you for opening up, trusting us and sharing your feelings here.

Never give up...
        yes, as you stated, "I know she's still in there and I'm not giving up on her."

Please keep posting, venting and writing out your feelings.... no judgement
coming from any of us here on the Forum. 

This is your safe sanctuary.

We will keep reading and we will give your our ears to listen and our
shoulders for you to lean on....  keep on keeping on and for you please
hang on to peace, love and happiness,

As @Lori Dee mentioned in her previous posting...
take a look at the LINK with the posting and thread regarding another member
that has written about similar issues as you have written about for yourself...
lots of helpful information and suggestions that may help you....  .

Many HUGS and more HUGS, ❤️❤️❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Jen T. on September 15, 2025, 10:03:27 PMEarlier in the summer, when I first discovered this community and I came out to my therapist, it was a whirlwind of energy and excitement and emotion; nearly all of it positive. For the first time ever I was really hopeful that I actually could get over my fear and finally move forward and let people see on the outside what I'd been feeling inside for decades. The last couple of weeks have been rather the opposite.

The fear is back. "If I come out everyone will reject me and I'll be more alone than ever."

The self-doubt is back. "I don't have the strength or the courage or the confidence to see it all the way through. When it gets too hard I'll just give up."

Even the good old fashioned self-hatred. "Just who the hell do you think you are? You don't deserve to be happy. Life dealt you a hand you don't like and that's just too bad. Suck it up and drop this fantasy."

This all comes after spending eleven weeks with a walking boot and a cane as I recovered from a broken foot. That experience really wasn't as bad as it sounds but it had me thinking of all the other physical challenges I'll be dragging into my transition. I've got a bad back, two arthritic knees and need more dental work than I can possibly afford. On top of that there's sleep apnea, morbid obesity and baldness.

So, when I spend time inside my own head swirling that all around the whirlwind of excitement becomes a giant depression tornado. I've taken up residence in the eye of that storm before and (barely) lived through it. Not looking to live there again. 

I know ups and downs are normal and this down period will pass but the longer it goes on the worse it feels. I did do something fun the other day. I found a school photo of me in 1988 at age 15 and used AI to feminize it, complete with big 80's hair. 😀 It's my new favorite photo of me. It's the person I lived every day as a teenager wishing I could be.

I know she's still in there and I'm not giving up on her.
Thanks for reading.

Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

Hey Little Sister!

I know how very easy it can be to slip into fear mode when so very many things seem to sit between where you are... and where you truly want to be in your life... unknowns about what it could take to get there... or even if we can get there at all... provide a void into which all our deepest fears come to do their thing...

Consider giving equal time in your mind to the opposites of what these fears are whispering in your ear... Hope always deserves equal time in all matters of consideration.

We can easily view this all as overwhelmingly complex but, it is as simple as a decision to wake up each day and be yourself. You are surrounded here with folks who have had all the same fears and found their way to lives that far better serve the needs of the souls within. The power to do that resides in you as well girl!

QuoteI know she's still in there and I'm not giving up on her.

Amazing things await you brave sister...

Hugs!

A💕

It's been over a month since my last entry because I just didn't have anything new to say. I guess I could fill this blog with day-to-day life stuff but it would be pretty boring. I have been dealing with a lot of frustration lately, though and I have to get it out. So, apologies if this post turns out sounding a lot like my last one but this is my space to share my thoughts and feelings and you are under no obligation to read it. 😝

As I've said before, the early days of the summer were filled with excitement and anticipation and lots of self-discovery. Then came the period of doubt, fear and anger. Now I'm just stuck. Constantly frustrated that I can't figure out how to take the giant leap. Or find the courage to. I need to do something to at least feel like I'm moving forward but I don't know what that is. Coming here and writing it down helps but I keep feeling like I need something more tangible. What that is, I have no idea.

Sorry not sorry for sounding like a broken record. 😆
Thanks for reading.


Peace, love and happiness,

Jen

Quote from: Jen T. on October 25, 2025, 10:51:20 PMI need to do something to at least feel like I'm moving forward but I don't know what that is. Coming here and writing it down helps but I keep feeling like I need something more tangible. What that is, I have no idea.

Hi Jen,

I know that feeling well. I would like to help.

You don't have to post it here unless you are comfortable doing so, but I would suggest you make a list of things you want to accomplish. They do not need to be in any order.

This can help you see how these things might be related. For example, to do number 3, you must first do number 5 on the list. Then you can order the list in a way to see in what order you might need to do them. Some things can be done at any time, or not at all, but still are things you want to do.

If you would like help brainstorming this, but do not want to post it, feel free to PM me. I am happy to help if I can. If you would rather not, that is okay too.

I hope this helps.

QuoteConstantly frustrated that I can't figure out how to take the giant leap.

Hey Jen!

No giant leaps are needed sister... very small steps are our friend! Lori's suggestion is a very sound one indeed... make a list of things you want to accomplish even if they are things you don't see as possible to do at this point in time... much that we can view as impossible... is entirely possible and a list would make a fine starting point... I know you are carrying a lot of fears but, fears can be tamed and we can move past them to the places we need to go.

Sending the best hopes and wishes your way sister!

A💕

Hi, Jen. You're absolutely right that this is your blog, and you can say whatever you want in it. I'm glad you came back and shared what you're feeling here.

I feel like the things I want to say will either sound trite or trivial or impossible, but I still want to say them - not only because I really truly believe them but because I think they do make a significant difference when realized.

As Ashley said, giant leaps aren't necessary. I'd even argue that this is a journey that is best approached with small, carefully thought-out steps. But I'm a big fan of "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

For me, and I think for most people (even if they're not aware of it), what matters most is how we feel about ourselves inside. Yes, it's validating and helpful to have other people reflect what we want to see in ourselves, but if we're depending on that for our sense of who we are, then we're not actually connected to who we really are. I genuinely believe that our primary assignment on Earth is to understand at the deepest level possible who we are. That takes a lot of shedding of societal programming and surrendering and accepting what is true - even the parts we've been led to think are unappealing - and seeing and loving ourselves fully.

Look at how many of us are here and have been here over the years. See how we all know at some level that we are not who we were told we were? We know it, Jen - just like you do. Overcoming that cultural barrier to get to a point where we can reject those constraints and say, "No. This is who I am." requires self love and confidence that are not taught to most of us. Even worse, it's presented as being foolish or selfish or worse.

I went through a period of denial and internal debate, and I found that far more maddening than just accepting it. For me, it always came back to "Well, I'm certainly not a man;" that fact was just undeniable. Maybe not physiologically, but emotionally, mentally, even spiritually. So when I became exhausted with the daily demands coming from inside my own head to justify my contention that I'm transgender, I decided to embrace that truth and try to cultivate my awareness of myself as a woman.

Sure, I did things like acquiring nice women's underwear and shirts, but most of what I did was internal. I allowed myself to feel myself as a woman. I won't lie to you; sometimes it felt awkward or forced. Sometimes it was frustrating because I just "didn't feel it." But the times that I did... Those were literally the only times when I had complete clarity about who I am. The more I welcomed and had those experiences, the clearer the truth became to me, even in the times when I didn't feel it. And the more familiar this feeling this became, the more often I'd experience it. Occasionally I'd feel frustrated because I couldn't find a way to "get there." A counselor I was seeing at the time said, "Just relax into it. If you feel like you're having to work at it, you're probably pushing too hard." I found that to be true - and a difficult line to walk.

I honestly believe that, at this point anyway, it's mostly about surrendering, accepting, and allowing. At the risk of stereotyping, I think that's a more feminine approach than what had become my go-to method over my 61 years, so just learning to do that was a hurdle for me.

So, in summary, I don't think you "need to do" anything right now other than to let yourself be who you are and love yourself for being you. When that becomes a habit, what other people will think will become less relevant, and you will feel what your next (small) step should be.

Maybe that doesn't feel like "moving forward," but it's actually huge progress. When people decide to put in a garden, they want to start by putting plants in the ground. But making sure the soil has the right composition and texture and drainage and that there's access to light and water... Those foundational steps are really the most important ones. We humans are no different.

"Those who wish to be
Must put aside the alienation
Get on with the fascination
The real relation
The underlying theme"

You've got this, Jen. You know who you are.

I'm experiencing something so similar, Jen! Your words and the loving responses from so many are so appreciated.

Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. It means a lot to me to hear from people who have walked this path before me.

I think I should clarify something though. When I said "giant leap" I was talking about coming out. The door to the closet I'm in feels massive, like the Black Gates of Mordor. The time will come eventually but right now I'm not in a position where I feel like I could survive the potential wreckage of turning my life upside down.

I had a longer reply that I was composing but I was away too long and lost it. Naturally, I can't remember most of it 🤪

And @Pema you keep on quoting Rush!

@Jen T.
Dear Jen:
In all of our members journeys, we all have times of excitement and new good things
happening frequently, and then as you mentioned for yourself, all of a sudden there is
a feeling of being stuck and frustrated... and nothing happening that you feel is not
worth talking about on your blog and postings around the Forum.

Please note, it is the normal happenings, successes and failures, and other life events
that is of interest to your readers and followers. 
You are not alone, we have all been there with all of those feelings.

The very good thing about your blog and postings on the Forum is when you post not-so-good
things, failures or disappointments ... we will come to your side, offer our shoulders
for you to lean on and our ears to listen.  On the other hand, when you post your good
news, successes, and progress we will all give you our hugs and congratulations.

It is good and productive to write about all of these things on your Blog which is your
online journal.  Writing it down gives you more insight about your situation and perhaps
figuring out what you have to do to take positive steps to overcome any difficulties and
improve your situation.

Personally, for me, in addition to my Forum Blog threads and postings, I keep an old-school
pen and paper journal with colorful doodling, snapshots of photos, handwritten notes, and
correspondence and cards  from friends, etc. 

On many cold and rainy nights, I can be found paging through my journal with laughter or
sometimes tears in my eyes.

Along with the rest of your avid readers and followers I will be eagerly looking for your future
postings on your blog and elsewhere around the Forum.

Many Hugs, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]  ❤️❤️❤️
  The Forum Administrator

Hi Jen

I have put together a few ideas for you to consider and I hope they can give you some inspiration, so that you can move forward in your life.

---

Moving Forward
I have been reading your blog "Discovering Jen" and noted that you seem to be in a "holding pattern", "Stuck" or "you don't know how to leap forward".  The way forward, regardless of the path you take, life will still go on and that is what happened to me.  I was single and 30 at the time.  I had a job, social life, study and medical treatment along the way.  Although our circumstances are different there are similarities.

So, to move "forward" in your case you need to have a "long term goal".  What is your long term goal over the next one to three years, full time social transition, partial social transition with medical steps, medication only with private presentation, another path?  Your answer will guide the order and the pace you take in achieving that goal.

What matters most
I would put safety first, which means consider keeping your life private in this matter, until you are ready to share with someone.  Be totally honest with your therapist who will provide you with the guidance you need so that you can move forward.  Continue with your thoughts in "Discovering Jen" as this gives you a private outlet to write and it documents your journey.  That space will let you breathe and plan.

Your fear of rejection is valid, yet you must consider the other side of the coin and that is you need to leave room for acceptance.  You wrote about your wife and I see possibilities there.  She might surprise you in good ways.  Your daughter could also possibly help you, offering guidance on fashion choices that fit your life.  I was lucky that my family accepted me and I left family and friends behind, so as to avoid the negativity.  I did not want the ramifications of what I was doing to befall them.

I would claim your name with pride Jen.  If Jen Marie feels right to you, then your choice of names is yours to behold just like it was with me.  Each time someone uses your name it lifts the weight off your shoulders a little bit more.

You have mentioned your health problems.  Sleep apnea, foot issues, back and knee issues, dental work, weight and the hair loss all matter.  Your health constraints are there and they need care.  You and your doctors are the ones who will help you in this area.  Step by step you can improve your comfort, energy and your outlook on life.

I know you want movement in going "forward" even though you feel stuck.  Small wins, or "inch by inch" rings a bell.  One habit at a time builds momentum.  So the following are suggested things to do while you move forward.

Practical steps
Consider starting with what you can control in private.  Pick one samll habit that feels safe, repeat it each day until it becomes easy, then add the next step.  Keep a simple note so you can see your prgress grow and "Discovering Jen" is the ideal place to do that.

Set up facial hair removal with a simple plan.  Ask about laser for dark hairs then electrolysis for lighter or remaining hairs.  Commit to a regular schedule that you can keep.  Improve your voice skills in private.  There are a lot of YouTube videos for that.  I used to practice by singing on my way to swimming training mimicking female voices.  Practice for ten minutes a day.  Record a short hello on day one then another after two weeks.  Listen for ease and resonance rather than chasing high notes.

Support your body with joint friendly movements.  Start with short walks or walking in water.  This can be a gentle way to start off as the water will take the pressure off your knees.  You only have to walk as far as the water covers your chest then turn around then walk back.  This way you will not have to tread water!  Keep a tiny log so you can see real progress.  Protect your sleep by using your apnea treatment as prescribed and review any issues with your clinician.

Shape a quiet wardrobe you can use at home.  Pick soft basics that read as lounge wear.  Tees, leggings or even pyjamas.  Learn your sizes with a tape at home.  Add small accessories that make you smile for an easy win.

Keep your therapy sessions going.  Rehearse a script with your therapist so the words feel natural when the time is right to come out to your wife if you decide that is what you want to do.  Also you could create a list, maybe in your mind, of who you would feel safe to tell and whether they would accept you or not, for who you truly are.  This was something my uncle and I did, before I changed my life around.

In addition, prepare your medical path quietly.  That includes your current health issues and any future ones like HRT if you decide to go down that path the most important thing you can do is have a backup plan that you can use if plans or circumstances change suddenly.

HRT information
If you consider HRT then treat it as medical care that needs an individual risk assessment with your therapist, if not then a gender informed clinican.  Back issues, knee issues, sleep apnea, weight and family history all need to be taken into account.  Your therapist or a gender informed clinician can explain your options.

If HRT is not wanted or needed then focus on building congruence through non medical steps.  Use small repeatable actions you can do in private each day.  Keep safety and privacy at the front of your mind.  Over time these steps make the outside feel closer to who you know yourself to be.  Think of it as small repeatable steps that make the outside feel closer to who Jen is inside.

From my perspective
The way forward regardless of the path you take, life will still go on and this is what happened to me.  I was single and 30 at the time.  I had a job, social life, study and medical treatment along the way.  Although our circumstances are different.  There are similarities.

I had to bide my time before surgery, I would have had surgery the first day if I could have, however the rules said I had to wait two years.  In the meantime I continued living my life as Sarah.  Life did not stop for me and I took each step as it came, doing what was necessary.

My hair was already long before surgery.  Facial hair removal took about a year and a half.  I was lucky that I did not have much other body hair to manage.  I kept my history private and I still do.  Only a couple of doctors knew.  My family found out through my uncle.  I moved through each day without thinking about what I was doing.  I suppose the long term plan was surgery and I think that was what happened when I first came to Sydney and I spoke with a counsellor at a refuge house.  I guess in a sense this was my first time I revealed what I wanted, surgery in the long run, I know I did not plan what I was going to say or do, so I just winged it.

A simple plan
Concentrate on working on your health issues and maintain your therapy sessions, to help you as you move forward.  Let Jen shine through, by implementing practical steps that you can do as mentioned earlier and finally clarify your long term goals, especially the one around coming out by planning, drafting or talking with your therapist about telling one or two people when you feel safe and ready to do so.

Some final thoughts
Jen you are welcome here exactly as you are, no matter what.  Whatever pace you choose, whatever path you take, your voice will be heard and your privacy respected.  Share small wins or hard days and we will walk beside you.  Whether you focus on health, therapy, building your congruence with quiet daily habits or explore HRT with a clinician.  You will find acceptance here on Susan's.  You are not alone while you plan your long term goal and take each step forward.  We will be here with you.

---

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Jen T.

@Sarah B thank you so much for such an amazing reply. You've given me a lot to think about and some ideas that I hadn't considered. I'm a mess when it comes to planning things. I have thoughts or vague feelings about what I want to accomplish but I have a hard time getting those thoughts organized. I operate much better when someone else comes up with the plan. It's likely that many of my first steps in  transitioning will be very private ones, so there is definitely a need for me to be able to organize them on my own.

QuoteYour fear of rejection is valid, yet you must consider the other side of the coin and that is you need to leave room for acceptance.  You wrote about your wife and I see possibilities there.

That she'll surprise me is my fondest wish. Our relationship is somewhat strained of late and that wish seems to be moving ever further away from reality. Having said that, it's not over until it's over.👍

Hi Jen

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I thought that was what you needed and the other members provided words of wisdom and as you have said you have a lot to think about now.  You have an outline of things you can do, but it is up to you to fill in the details.

One of the main attributes that surround me is being absolutely private in regards to my medical condition and it has served me extremely well over the years.

I hope you will be able to sort out your problems with your wife.  Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Jen T.