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I'm sure this has been brought up at least one million times already (the search query didn't give me any results).

How to deal with impostor syndrome.

I've been "your boy nextdoor" and "manly man" and your "he-buddy" for a decade and I still can't (swearwords go here) shake the feeling that I'm an impostor, a faker, a snake salesman. Despite the fact that all my friends see me as male and despite the fact that I know very well I wasn't exactly authentic or honest in my previous shape either.

It's by no means limited to the gender area as I feel impostor syndrome about every single thing I do in life. Anytime I am someone slightly worthy of anything, it says "howdy, no you are not".

Has anyone been able to slay the feeling?

Merrick

Quote from: Merrick on August 04, 2025, 10:16:35 AMI'm sure this has been brought up at least one million times already (the search query didn't give me any results).

How to deal with impostor syndrome.

I've been "your boy nextdoor" and "manly man" and your "he-buddy" for a decade and I still can't (swearwords go here) shake the feeling that I'm an impostor, a faker, a snake salesman. Despite the fact that all my friends see me as male and despite the fact that I know very well I wasn't exactly authentic or honest in my previous shape either.

It's by no means limited to the gender area as I feel impostor syndrome about every single thing I do in life. Anytime I am someone slightly worthy of anything, it says "howdy, no you are not".

Has anyone been able to slay the feeling?

Merrick

It took me quite a while to get comfortable with who I am. That is the underlying factor. You are not recognizing or even doubting who you really are. To overcome that, you must become comfortable with yourself, and that is an internal struggle. Therapy with someone with experience in gender dysphoria is a huge help. They can help identify where exactly you are struggling and help you find ways past those obstacles.

I completely agree with what Lori said. I would only add that I think the root of the "problem" lies with the belief that there is a target to be met. We can be whomever we are without feeling like we need to match some pattern. I'd prefer a world where everyone did that instead of trying to be the same.

Quote from: Pema on August 04, 2025, 01:22:30 PMI completely agree with what Lori said. I would only add that I think the root of the "problem" lies with the belief that there is a target to be met. We can be whomever we are without feeling like we need to match some pattern. I'd prefer a world where everyone did that instead of trying to be the same.

Well said, Pema. Thank you!

Quote from: Pema on August 04, 2025, 01:22:30 PMI completely agree with what Lori said. I would only add that I think the root of the "problem" lies with the belief that there is a target to be met. We can be whomever we are without feeling like we need to match some pattern. I'd prefer a world where everyone did that instead of trying to be the same.

The world would definitely be a happier place

Finding peace and contentment with all of this goes hand in hand with self acceptance... Finding that, can often demand much of us but, when we find it, we can build amazing things on the solid foundation it provides!

All good things to you Merrick!

Onward!

Ashley 💕

Hi Merrick

You are not an impostor.  You are living your life as yourself.  That is what matters more than anything else.

Impostor syndrome can be persistent.  Even when others see you clearly and accept you, that inner voice sometimes still says you are faking it.  But you are not.  You are not pretending, you are not acting and you are doing what feels right and real to you and that is what counts.

You said you have been the boy next door and the manly man for a decade.  That is not some performance.  That is your life.  That is how you are known and how you live.  If you ever feel like improving yourself and it brings you happiness, then absolutely go ahead.  But not because you think you have to prove anything.

For me, when I changed my life, I never felt like I was acting.  My personality never changed.  I was just living and carrying on as me.  It was not some kind of show.  It was just simply life.  Nothing less and nothing more.  That is how I see what you are doing too.

As someone else said above, one reason impostor syndrome can take hold is the belief that there is some fixed standard to meet.  But there is no such target.  The only target is what your dreams are and how you change your life to meet those dreams.  You do not need to match anyone else's pattern or lifestyle to be real.  You already are.

If these feelings continue to trouble you, then yes, speaking with a therapist who understands gender-related issues might help.  It is not about fixing anything.  It is about exploring the roots of that doubt and finding a way to quiet it.

Just be yourself.  You are not a faker.  You are not a fraud.  You are a person living the life that makes sense to you.  That is enough.  Keep going.  Keep being you.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee @Merrick @Pema

Quote from: Sarah B on August 04, 2025, 05:14:06 PMJust be yourself.  You are not a faker.  You are not a fraud.  You are a person living the life that makes sense to you.  That is enough.  Keep going.  Keep being you.

THIS.

Well said, Sarah.

I'm taking a bit of a different approach to my stuff. To me, imposter syndrome and fear of coming out are very interconnected and it is all connected to my childhood (and beyond). Like so many, I suffered some abuse and it did leave its scars on me. In particular, it manifested in a lack of confidence in certain areas. I've always been very confident in my brain, musical talents and skills as a builder and fixer of things but I always felt that my body was "less than." Being slight of build led to bullying that started a little before puberty. This scarred me, in ways I don't even understand.

So there it is. I wasn't shown the love and encouragement I needed at home and the kids I grew up around were often cruel. This made it easy for me to continue a narrative of feeling unlovable or ugly ...or non-passable ...or an impostor.

What to do about this?

I recently realized (with the help of a very close friend) that what might be needed is forgiveness. I'm just beginning a journey that involves forgiving my father for not being there and for not validating me, forgiving a few high school bullies and forgiving just about anyone else who hurt me (ex-wife, etc.). It's going to be a long process but I feel that it might be the key to finding the confidence to believe in myself. Once I let go of past judgements and transgressions, maybe I can start to build myself up and believe in who I really am.

Quote from: Courtney G on August 09, 2025, 09:49:38 AMI recently realized (with the help of a very close friend) that what might be needed is forgiveness. I'm just beginning a journey that involves forgiving my father for not being there and validating me, forgiving a few high school bullies and forgiving just about anyone else who hurt me (ex-wife, etc.). It's going to be a long process but I feel that it might be the key to finding the confidence to believe in myself. Once I let go of past judgements and transgressions, maybe I can start to build myself up and believe in who I really am.

This is profound.

I recently had the same realization during therapy for PTSD. First, forgive yourself. You did nothing to cause the abuse. You were not in control of the others' actions.

Second, the others did not know everything about you. They did not know you were transgender, and they didn't know what a wonderful person you are. They acted out for their own reasons.

In my case, I decided to view my past as a series of experiences that were no one's fault, due to a lack of knowledge or understanding. The old "It is what it is."

I am happy that you are working on getting to that point yourself.