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Title: Giving Myself Permission
Post by: d18127 on August 05, 2025, 10:37:23 AM
Post by: d18127 on August 05, 2025, 10:37:23 AM
Quick Backstory. I'm 58 AMAB married with grown kids. INTP personality type and software engineer (surprise surprise ;))
- Before ten, I was a sensitive but pretty typical boy. Liked sports and exploring. I little risk averse maybe because my older brother was injuring himself in different ways. Had an ever older sister.
- At ten started having day dreams about being a girl. Saw a set girls underwear at a store and wanted to wear them. However even there was erotic element. I'd advertently discovered prone masturbation and these were the focus. I would see an an article of feminine clothing and later I would prone masturbate to the idea of being a girl wearing the clothing. Eventually I would orgasm (dry at first) and the desire would go away.
- During this time my family would get National Enquirer magazines from my grandma and every so often there would be a article about someone who had a "sex change". I would be fascinated and jealous because they now get to wear the clothes. However, their backstory was the typical "always known / played with dolls" which I wasn't.
- At 12, I development breast buds and didn't know what they were no tell anybody about them out of fear. I was a chubby kid with puffy nipples. Very self-conscious about it for decades. Felt is was an effect or even punishment for fantasizing about being a girl.
- At 14 and 15, I started trying old clothes my sister and mom had. It was erotic overload and afterward I would be disgusted with myself. Even burned a stash in the fireplace once. Later at 15, I seemed to outgrow "it" and wrote the whole thing off an some weird puberty thing. I played football, started lifting weights and felt like male enough to go through life.
- There was still a low-key fascination and for a while I would prone masturbate to female embodiment fantasies but mostly "stroking it" to cis-het fantasies. Being a cheerleader vs ->-bleeped-<-ing the cheerleader. I stopped such prone masturbation when I bought a new mattress and saw the stains on the old one (Seriously).
If this whole thing ended here. I would write the whole thing off as a "fetish" that I outgrew.
- Met the woman I would marry at 30. I started to have a once a month dream where I was a girl wearing something feminine. I would wake excited and annoyed. Why is "this" coming back.
- We get engaged she is out one night and I am in her apartment. All of sudden the realization that she has this loose dress that I might just fit into. My heart starts beating rapidly and I head to her closet, but first realize I want to panties underneath and put a pair of her on. "Oh, this is ridiculous" and I took them off and that was the end of it.
- We get married and have a son and a daughter. I would have the occasional want I think of as "tutti-frutti" dream involving wearing women's clothes. One time I had one and was excited/annoyed and slipped one of her panties again hoping the disillusionment would make it go away and promptly busted a seam. I took them off and she never thought it was me.
- I've always had an aversion to "typical pornography". My "excess libido" preferred women with certain clothes on. I would look a lingerie ads and fantasize the my wife has them but there was "something else" going on. Eventually It is stock photos or video of women simply getting dressed.
- Kids grow up and I start working from home. During the pandemic I stumble upon "trans ->-bleeped-<-" and a "dam breaks" and I go down a rabbit hole. I have to admit since this grew out of my attempt to avoid pornography and it is very erotically charged. Crossdressed occasionally but have mixed feeling about it.
- I'm looking for way off this rollercoaster. I believe there are underlying gender identity issue but the erotic aspects distorts things. The underlying issue is like a dog barking and the erotic part is a bullhorn. Is the dog a chihuahua with a big bullhorn or bigger dog with smaller bullhorn? (I like metaphors about this).
- I consider myself a "crossdreamer" and recently given myself permission to subtly femininize. Better self-care , buying brighter men's clothes and maybe more masculine women's clothes without coming out to anyone yet. I'd love to be androgynous and a bit of a "gender chameleon" that can boy mode most of them. I consider that trans feminine but not transgender (yet). I would love a test drive of low-dose HRT just reduce the "bullhorn" and more less subtle feminization.
I'm always looking for places to find people like me on the "spectrum" to see how they if handle it.
- Before ten, I was a sensitive but pretty typical boy. Liked sports and exploring. I little risk averse maybe because my older brother was injuring himself in different ways. Had an ever older sister.
- At ten started having day dreams about being a girl. Saw a set girls underwear at a store and wanted to wear them. However even there was erotic element. I'd advertently discovered prone masturbation and these were the focus. I would see an an article of feminine clothing and later I would prone masturbate to the idea of being a girl wearing the clothing. Eventually I would orgasm (dry at first) and the desire would go away.
- During this time my family would get National Enquirer magazines from my grandma and every so often there would be a article about someone who had a "sex change". I would be fascinated and jealous because they now get to wear the clothes. However, their backstory was the typical "always known / played with dolls" which I wasn't.
- At 12, I development breast buds and didn't know what they were no tell anybody about them out of fear. I was a chubby kid with puffy nipples. Very self-conscious about it for decades. Felt is was an effect or even punishment for fantasizing about being a girl.
- At 14 and 15, I started trying old clothes my sister and mom had. It was erotic overload and afterward I would be disgusted with myself. Even burned a stash in the fireplace once. Later at 15, I seemed to outgrow "it" and wrote the whole thing off an some weird puberty thing. I played football, started lifting weights and felt like male enough to go through life.
- There was still a low-key fascination and for a while I would prone masturbate to female embodiment fantasies but mostly "stroking it" to cis-het fantasies. Being a cheerleader vs ->-bleeped-<-ing the cheerleader. I stopped such prone masturbation when I bought a new mattress and saw the stains on the old one (Seriously).
If this whole thing ended here. I would write the whole thing off as a "fetish" that I outgrew.
- Met the woman I would marry at 30. I started to have a once a month dream where I was a girl wearing something feminine. I would wake excited and annoyed. Why is "this" coming back.
- We get engaged she is out one night and I am in her apartment. All of sudden the realization that she has this loose dress that I might just fit into. My heart starts beating rapidly and I head to her closet, but first realize I want to panties underneath and put a pair of her on. "Oh, this is ridiculous" and I took them off and that was the end of it.
- We get married and have a son and a daughter. I would have the occasional want I think of as "tutti-frutti" dream involving wearing women's clothes. One time I had one and was excited/annoyed and slipped one of her panties again hoping the disillusionment would make it go away and promptly busted a seam. I took them off and she never thought it was me.
- I've always had an aversion to "typical pornography". My "excess libido" preferred women with certain clothes on. I would look a lingerie ads and fantasize the my wife has them but there was "something else" going on. Eventually It is stock photos or video of women simply getting dressed.
- Kids grow up and I start working from home. During the pandemic I stumble upon "trans ->-bleeped-<-" and a "dam breaks" and I go down a rabbit hole. I have to admit since this grew out of my attempt to avoid pornography and it is very erotically charged. Crossdressed occasionally but have mixed feeling about it.
- I'm looking for way off this rollercoaster. I believe there are underlying gender identity issue but the erotic aspects distorts things. The underlying issue is like a dog barking and the erotic part is a bullhorn. Is the dog a chihuahua with a big bullhorn or bigger dog with smaller bullhorn? (I like metaphors about this).
- I consider myself a "crossdreamer" and recently given myself permission to subtly femininize. Better self-care , buying brighter men's clothes and maybe more masculine women's clothes without coming out to anyone yet. I'd love to be androgynous and a bit of a "gender chameleon" that can boy mode most of them. I consider that trans feminine but not transgender (yet). I would love a test drive of low-dose HRT just reduce the "bullhorn" and more less subtle feminization.
I'm always looking for places to find people like me on the "spectrum" to see how they if handle it.
Title: Re: Giving Myself Permission
Post by: Maid Marion on August 05, 2025, 10:50:45 AM
Post by: Maid Marion on August 05, 2025, 10:50:45 AM
Welcome!
Like you, I have some female charactistics. My bra size is 30B and I have an hourglass figure with a thin waist and 34 inch hips despite never being on HRT. No Adam's apple and my waist is above my belly button so high waisted fashions work for me. Actually, just about anything looks good if you have an hourglass figure.
Marion
Like you, I have some female charactistics. My bra size is 30B and I have an hourglass figure with a thin waist and 34 inch hips despite never being on HRT. No Adam's apple and my waist is above my belly button so high waisted fashions work for me. Actually, just about anything looks good if you have an hourglass figure.
Marion
Title: Re: Giving Myself Permission
Post by: Lori Dee on August 05, 2025, 11:03:21 AM
Post by: Lori Dee on August 05, 2025, 11:03:21 AM
Hello d18127,
I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!
Thank you for that wonderful introduction.
We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.
Your story is very similar to other members here. What I would suggest is that you seek out a therapist with experience in gender identities. They can help you figure out what is going on. It could be that you are a cross-dresser, or transgender, or whatever. It doesn't matter to us, but it is important that you get some answers for yourself.
Having someone you can talk to about personal and intimate issues can be so much better than typing to anonymous internet users. We are here to do what we can to provide support, advice, and help you figure this out. There may be obstacles that you will face, and a therapist can help you through rough times. We will be here to cheer you on or to offer a shoulder and a sympathetic ear when you need it.
When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
I will add links below that are important for new and returning members. Pay special attention to the links in RED.
Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at LoriDee605@outlook.com
Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!
~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff
Things that you should read
@d18127
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl
I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!
Thank you for that wonderful introduction.
We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.
Your story is very similar to other members here. What I would suggest is that you seek out a therapist with experience in gender identities. They can help you figure out what is going on. It could be that you are a cross-dresser, or transgender, or whatever. It doesn't matter to us, but it is important that you get some answers for yourself.
Having someone you can talk to about personal and intimate issues can be so much better than typing to anonymous internet users. We are here to do what we can to provide support, advice, and help you figure this out. There may be obstacles that you will face, and a therapist can help you through rough times. We will be here to cheer you on or to offer a shoulder and a sympathetic ear when you need it.
When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
I will add links below that are important for new and returning members. Pay special attention to the links in RED.
Until then, if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at LoriDee605@outlook.com
Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!
~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff
Things that you should read
- New Members... Please Read this First (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,250343.msg2295001.html#msg2295001)
- Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
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@d18127
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl
Title: Re: Giving Myself Permission
Post by: Pema on August 05, 2025, 11:51:27 AM
Post by: Pema on August 05, 2025, 11:51:27 AM
Hi, d18127, and welcome to Susan's Place.
You'll definitely find others here whose experiences are similar to yours.
Lori beat me to it, so I'll second her recommendation that you pursue gender therapy. I'm in the midst of doing it myself, and I find it to be very helpful. Especially when you're not clear about what your path is, someone with gender identity-specific training and experience can be invaluable to guide you through determining what is and isn't relevant for you.
I wish you peace and comfort as you discover and navigate your expanding awareness of who you are.
Pema
You'll definitely find others here whose experiences are similar to yours.
Lori beat me to it, so I'll second her recommendation that you pursue gender therapy. I'm in the midst of doing it myself, and I find it to be very helpful. Especially when you're not clear about what your path is, someone with gender identity-specific training and experience can be invaluable to guide you through determining what is and isn't relevant for you.
I wish you peace and comfort as you discover and navigate your expanding awareness of who you are.
Pema
Title: Re: Giving Myself Permission
Post by: Lilis on August 05, 2025, 01:29:35 PM
Post by: Lilis on August 05, 2025, 01:29:35 PM
Quote from: d18127 on Yesterday at 10:37:23 AMI'm always looking for places to find people like me on the "spectrum" to see how they if handle it.Hi d18127,
Welcome to Susan's Place! 💓
~ Lilis 🌷
Title: Re: Giving Myself Permission
Post by: tgirlamg on August 05, 2025, 02:43:56 PM
Post by: tgirlamg on August 05, 2025, 02:43:56 PM
Welcome Aboard Sister,
We all carry many similar things along in our life without looking too deeply at what it all is and from what aspects of ourself it all emanates from... At some point in life it begins making louder and louder demands for attention and the wise thing to do is often to finally listen, explore and contemplate... as mentioned, a therapist can be a great resource in these matters
Transgender is an umbrella term and by what you wrote, I would say you fit beneath it should you seek to find yourself there but... Finding a label to apply to yourself is far less important than exploring questions related to... what do I truly need to better serve the soul within... how do I need to organize my life to better connect to myself, to others, to life... to love and to the world, These answers will be worth all your good efforts to seek out!
All good things to you as you find your way girl!
May your explorations be blessed!
Ashley 💕
We all carry many similar things along in our life without looking too deeply at what it all is and from what aspects of ourself it all emanates from... At some point in life it begins making louder and louder demands for attention and the wise thing to do is often to finally listen, explore and contemplate... as mentioned, a therapist can be a great resource in these matters
Transgender is an umbrella term and by what you wrote, I would say you fit beneath it should you seek to find yourself there but... Finding a label to apply to yourself is far less important than exploring questions related to... what do I truly need to better serve the soul within... how do I need to organize my life to better connect to myself, to others, to life... to love and to the world, These answers will be worth all your good efforts to seek out!
All good things to you as you find your way girl!
May your explorations be blessed!
Ashley 💕