Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Trans folks are asking: when do you disclose your transness to a date?

https://www.msn.com/en-us/health/medical/trans-folks-are-asking-when-do-you-disclose-your-transness-to-a-date/ar-AA1NxCJF?ocid=hpmsn&cvid=cd6b7852d1374d6badd8c989fa794258&ei=87

Henry Giardina (30 Sep 2025)

Deciding when to tell a date, friend, or co-worker that you're trans can be a nerve-wracking part of everyday life. Tell them too soon, and it might be dangerous. Tell them too late, and they might feel hurt that you didn't trust them enough to immediately open up.

Obviously, it's never a trans person's job to make a cis person feel comfortable with their transness. However, this is the world we live in, and in an increasingly toxic, anti-trans climate, we all have to take our safety seriously, especially in the romantic realm.

...Unfortunately, the problem of "trans panic" is still very real for certain cis men who might react violently to learning that the woman they're dating is trans. That's why sometimes the safest option for someone who is stealth is not to disclose at all.

When it comes to disclosure, the bottom line is that trans people need to do whatever we can to stay safe no matter what. Disclosing trans status isn't about protecting cis people from being "mislead"—it's about making sure that we can speak frankly about ourselves without the threat of violence.

"My opinion is if it's a deal breaker for them, then it's THEIR burden to bring it up and ask," another commenter wrote on the subject of coming out before hooking up. "It is not fair to expect trans women to out themselves."

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There are many opinions on this subject, and I don't believe there is any one answer that works for everyone. I think the most important consideration is your own personal safety.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on Yesterday at 09:24:32 AMThere are many opinions on this subject, and I don't believe there is any one answer that works for everyone. I think the most important consideration is your own personal safety.

I think post-op, I would not volunteer the information. As stated, if it is a deal-breaker, then they need to ask questions. Pre-op is a different ballgame. If you plan to get naked with someone, it is best to have a conversation about their expectations before getting too involved.

Once you get past the small talk, introductions, discussions about interests,
hobbies, family, etc...
...and start experiencing and seeing that flirting starts going both ways...
well BEFORE hand-holding and tight hugs, and definitively before a first-date
then is it the time to have the conversation, about full disclosure...
...this is something that I believe applies to both pre-op and post-op.

To not disclose is very unfair and borders on "cruel"  to your possible future date.

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

@Jessica_Rose  @Lori Dee

If one is Post OP, your date, even in a intimate setting
may not notice anything unusual but if they find out later, the
results would not bode well for a long and trusting relationship.

Quote from: Lori Dee on Yesterday at 10:39:05 AMI think post-op, I would not volunteer the information. As stated, if it is a deal-breaker, then they need to ask questions. Pre-op is a different ballgame. If you plan to get naked with someone, it is best to have a conversation about their expectations before getting too involved.

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Hi Everyone

To put it succinctly I would not say I'm "trans" because I'm not, but that's another story in and of itself.

Pre-op: There was Buckley's chance that I would ever say that and when I dated before my surgery, I never told them.  The obvious question is, "Were you romantically involved"?  No, because even then I did not want anyone to know about my past.  Also for me, it was not going to happen because of what was there and issues pertaining to that.  Yes, during that time there were times when I would have liked to have become romantically involved.  Those couple of situations only occurred when surgery was just around the corner.

Post-op:  Again, I never told anyone who I dated about my past and I had several boyfriends who I lived with never knew.  At the time, I considered telling them, but I did not know how to approach the subject then and introducing them to my family, although I still lived far away, was going to be problematic and in the end those relationships petered out.

These days, I still would not tell any potential partner.  I would date them for a while so they would get to know me, then I would find out where they stood on the issue.  Then I would act accordingly but that is fraught with issues both ways.

Which leads me to my first love and long-term boyfriend.  Long story short we got together as a result of a dating website and he knew about me from the start.  So to me, this seems to be the best way to go.  However, this can be fraught with problems as well.  I still would date them for a while before committing myself fully to the relationship.

Shall I tell, no I won't, shall I tell, no I won't...  Or another way of saying it would be, "Shall I tell or stay silent"?

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on Yesterday at 05:55:07 PM@Jessica_Rose  @Lori Dee

If one is Post OP, your date, even in a intimate setting
may not notice anything unusual but if they find out later, the
results would not bode well for a long and trusting relationship.

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

That is true.

"What? You're telling me this NOW? We've been married for 30 years!" 😄

Pre-op could be a tricky situation, but post-op shouldn't really matter. It's not like we have a communicable disease. We shouldn't have to tell every potential intimate partner about our medical history. Unfortunately, with rise of homophobia and transphobia, along with the associated stigma of transitioning, it can be dangerous to tell anyone about your past. If it turns into a long-term relationship, then your past may become troublesome if you haven't told your partner and someone else 'outs' you. That would most likely be the end of the relationship.

I don't think there is any single, good answer that will work for everyone in every situation. Until transitioning becomes normalized and accepted, this will be a difficult situation to navigate.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

For preOP disclose early is what I would do for the betterment of the relationship.

Chrissy

Every situation is different. Many of us are obviously trans, while a lucky few are non detectable as trans. Some are Preop, some post, but it's not all about us. Our potential partners also vary greatly, and their motivations to be intimate may be purely physical, purely emotional, or anywhere in between. Age is a factor, older people may prioritise companionship so appearance and physical attributes may not be so important. As we know, sexuality is a spectrum, and all of us sit somewhere in it.

Assess what your needs and expectations are, but also consider the other person(s). Long term or short term, commitments or not. Your morals will guide how much, when, or even if you expose yourself to others!

Hugs,

Allie

Quote from: Allie Jayne on Yesterday at 09:59:33 PMOur potential partners also vary greatly, and their motivations to be intimate may be purely physical, purely emotional, or anywhere in between. Age is a factor, older people may prioritise companionship so appearance and physical attributes may not be so important. As we know, sexuality is a spectrum, and all of us sit somewhere in it.

That's a good point, Allie Jayne! Thanks.

I only date other trans people so far, so we have both know each others trans identities before meeting.