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Title: Pink Fog
Post by: Petunia on October 05, 2025, 02:50:22 AM
Post by: Petunia on October 05, 2025, 02:50:22 AM
I have never posted about this part of my life before. I did try to register at Crossdressers, but it did not work for some reason. I am not transgender, but I am a crossdresser—something I started more than half a century ago. There was a long stretch when I did not dress, but lately the "pink fog" has come roaring back.
Thinking about how it began brought back early memories. When I was about four or five, my parents would tell people I should have been born a girl because I was "too pretty" to be a boy.
I once found red lipstick and smeared it on, and my mother put my blonde hair in curlers just to see how "pretty" I could be. I wanted that to happen again for years, but I was told, "Boys don't do that."
I modeled dresses a couple of times so they could be altered, happily volunteered to do it again, and was told that was not something a boy should do.
I loved boys' sports, but I also wanted to hang out with girls; a little teasing from other boys was enough to make me stop.
Around age ten or eleven I began trying on pantyhose and found some nail polish. I thought I removed it well, but the light pink frost sometimes showed.
A couple of girls in my class started calling me "Petunia." I was secretly thrilled, but those girls moved away.
As puberty progressed, I no longer looked like a "pretty girl." I still wore pantyhose under my clothes sometimes, painted my nails when I could, and experimented with makeup. I was questioned about red-tinted lips and once missed a bit of eyeshadow, but I think I mostly got away with it.
Once I started working and had my own money, my wardrobe grew—mainly lingerie and sleepwear, because I could not leave the house dressed.
I bought makeup and applied it in my car, then panicked and wiped it off before getting out. I spent a lot of time underdressing and sleeping in silky nightgowns.
Eventually my father found my stash when I was in the hospital for a couple of days. He asked me about "that bag," and I pretended not to know what he meant. It held my lingerie, makeup, a stack of Penthouse Forum and Variations, and many issues of Female Mimics International—a now-defunct, Vogue-style crossdressing/trans magazine.
At that stage, my dressing was heavily fetishized, and I am sure it contributed to confidence problems when talking to women.
I met my wife when I was twenty-three, and I lost my virginity to her. She was the first girl I was strongly interested in who showed interest back—or at least the first I could tell.
Up until then, more guys had come on to me than girls. It was also the height of the HIV crisis where I lived, and gay-bashings and even killings were tragically common.
Before marriage, we exchanged secrets. She disclosed having been sexually abused multiple times by at least four men. I slowly revealed my crossdressing.
She was okay with it as long as we kept it private. We shopped together, did each other's makeup, I did infills and painted her nails, and she did acrylics for me.
She bought me lingerie and sometimes borrowed mine. I would underdress when we went out, and she would be affectionate.
We got cozy sliding stockinged legs together and enjoying the feel of lingerie before intimacy. Yet afterward I would often feel disgusted with myself and strip everything off immediately after orgasm.
One day I stopped. I looked in the mirror—middle-aged, greying, wrinkling—and wondered what I was doing.
My wife entered perimenopause and her libido dwindled, so I took out my earrings and let the holes close. For twelve or more years, that was that.
Then the pink fog returned. I did not recognize it at first. After a couple of life-changing experiences, my outlook shifted.
With a little time to myself, I went shopping: pantyhose, then panties, nail polish, and heavily tinted lip balm. I got my ears repierced, bought inexpensive jewelry and wore it daily, removed body hair from the eyebrows down, and began using feminine hygiene products. Most of this could be hidden.
When my wife noticed, she was not happy. "Why now?" she asked. I could only say that it never truly goes away and that life changes might have brought it back.
I went shopping again and bought women's jeans and big hoop earrings. That was a step too far. One pair of jeans looked way too feminine; the hoops were a no-go.
She did buy me smaller hoops—which thrilled me—and I wore a second pair of skin-tight, jegging-style jeans. My wife's friends told me I looked good and skinny; those became my first clearly feminine outerwear.
Since then I have worn panties exclusively and added a couple of camisoles, pantyhose and stay-ups, women's tees and shorts, a makeup kit, two steel-boned corsets, ballet flats, and some sex toys that, when used on myself, were mind-blowing.
My wife does not know about most of this, and she refers to my crossdressing as my "perverted kink."
With a few days alone out of town, I decided to push myself. On four occasions I went shopping in women's tops, jeans, hose, and shoes, with lipstick, concealer, and mascara. I tried on clothes in roughly ten different stores without issues. I am grateful to the younger generation for making that feel possible.
Where does this leave me? My wife asked if I want to have sex with men or go out dressed. I told her no to both. I love my wife and do not want to destroy our relationship.
Even so, I have gone out in a blended style—not fully presenting as a woman, because I do not expect to be passable. My dressing has shifted from primarily fetish to something I simply love.
I saw ads for a Halloween trans ball—presumably welcoming to crossdressers—but I am unsure whether to ask my wife about a weekend away. They offer makeup application, which I have always wanted to try but have been too self-conscious to do. My wife once offered to take me to a dressing service, but I did not have the courage. Maybe next year.
For now, I will see how it feels when I get home. I resurrected a nightie my wife gave me for Christmas two decades ago—when I cried with happiness. I hope she recognizes it, and maybe that can open a gentle conversation.
I apologize for the length, but this has been a long time coming. If you made it this far, thank you for reading—and thank you for letting me ramble. —P
Thinking about how it began brought back early memories. When I was about four or five, my parents would tell people I should have been born a girl because I was "too pretty" to be a boy.
I once found red lipstick and smeared it on, and my mother put my blonde hair in curlers just to see how "pretty" I could be. I wanted that to happen again for years, but I was told, "Boys don't do that."
I modeled dresses a couple of times so they could be altered, happily volunteered to do it again, and was told that was not something a boy should do.
I loved boys' sports, but I also wanted to hang out with girls; a little teasing from other boys was enough to make me stop.
Around age ten or eleven I began trying on pantyhose and found some nail polish. I thought I removed it well, but the light pink frost sometimes showed.
A couple of girls in my class started calling me "Petunia." I was secretly thrilled, but those girls moved away.
As puberty progressed, I no longer looked like a "pretty girl." I still wore pantyhose under my clothes sometimes, painted my nails when I could, and experimented with makeup. I was questioned about red-tinted lips and once missed a bit of eyeshadow, but I think I mostly got away with it.
Once I started working and had my own money, my wardrobe grew—mainly lingerie and sleepwear, because I could not leave the house dressed.
I bought makeup and applied it in my car, then panicked and wiped it off before getting out. I spent a lot of time underdressing and sleeping in silky nightgowns.
Eventually my father found my stash when I was in the hospital for a couple of days. He asked me about "that bag," and I pretended not to know what he meant. It held my lingerie, makeup, a stack of Penthouse Forum and Variations, and many issues of Female Mimics International—a now-defunct, Vogue-style crossdressing/trans magazine.
At that stage, my dressing was heavily fetishized, and I am sure it contributed to confidence problems when talking to women.
I met my wife when I was twenty-three, and I lost my virginity to her. She was the first girl I was strongly interested in who showed interest back—or at least the first I could tell.
Up until then, more guys had come on to me than girls. It was also the height of the HIV crisis where I lived, and gay-bashings and even killings were tragically common.
Before marriage, we exchanged secrets. She disclosed having been sexually abused multiple times by at least four men. I slowly revealed my crossdressing.
She was okay with it as long as we kept it private. We shopped together, did each other's makeup, I did infills and painted her nails, and she did acrylics for me.
She bought me lingerie and sometimes borrowed mine. I would underdress when we went out, and she would be affectionate.
We got cozy sliding stockinged legs together and enjoying the feel of lingerie before intimacy. Yet afterward I would often feel disgusted with myself and strip everything off immediately after orgasm.
One day I stopped. I looked in the mirror—middle-aged, greying, wrinkling—and wondered what I was doing.
My wife entered perimenopause and her libido dwindled, so I took out my earrings and let the holes close. For twelve or more years, that was that.
Then the pink fog returned. I did not recognize it at first. After a couple of life-changing experiences, my outlook shifted.
With a little time to myself, I went shopping: pantyhose, then panties, nail polish, and heavily tinted lip balm. I got my ears repierced, bought inexpensive jewelry and wore it daily, removed body hair from the eyebrows down, and began using feminine hygiene products. Most of this could be hidden.
When my wife noticed, she was not happy. "Why now?" she asked. I could only say that it never truly goes away and that life changes might have brought it back.
I went shopping again and bought women's jeans and big hoop earrings. That was a step too far. One pair of jeans looked way too feminine; the hoops were a no-go.
She did buy me smaller hoops—which thrilled me—and I wore a second pair of skin-tight, jegging-style jeans. My wife's friends told me I looked good and skinny; those became my first clearly feminine outerwear.
Since then I have worn panties exclusively and added a couple of camisoles, pantyhose and stay-ups, women's tees and shorts, a makeup kit, two steel-boned corsets, ballet flats, and some sex toys that, when used on myself, were mind-blowing.
My wife does not know about most of this, and she refers to my crossdressing as my "perverted kink."
With a few days alone out of town, I decided to push myself. On four occasions I went shopping in women's tops, jeans, hose, and shoes, with lipstick, concealer, and mascara. I tried on clothes in roughly ten different stores without issues. I am grateful to the younger generation for making that feel possible.
Where does this leave me? My wife asked if I want to have sex with men or go out dressed. I told her no to both. I love my wife and do not want to destroy our relationship.
Even so, I have gone out in a blended style—not fully presenting as a woman, because I do not expect to be passable. My dressing has shifted from primarily fetish to something I simply love.
I saw ads for a Halloween trans ball—presumably welcoming to crossdressers—but I am unsure whether to ask my wife about a weekend away. They offer makeup application, which I have always wanted to try but have been too self-conscious to do. My wife once offered to take me to a dressing service, but I did not have the courage. Maybe next year.
For now, I will see how it feels when I get home. I resurrected a nightie my wife gave me for Christmas two decades ago—when I cried with happiness. I hope she recognizes it, and maybe that can open a gentle conversation.
I apologize for the length, but this has been a long time coming. If you made it this far, thank you for reading—and thank you for letting me ramble. —P
Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: Maid Marion on October 05, 2025, 05:42:26 AM
Post by: Maid Marion on October 05, 2025, 05:42:26 AM
Hi Petunia,
I suggest talking to your wife and setting ground rules so she doesn't get any surprises.
It may also help you avoid making bad impulsive decisions.
Doing more things together to help build your relationship. It sounds like your dressing is a solo activity now. Why not go out dressed? It will help your relationship if you go out together as girls.
Marion
I suggest talking to your wife and setting ground rules so she doesn't get any surprises.
It may also help you avoid making bad impulsive decisions.
Doing more things together to help build your relationship. It sounds like your dressing is a solo activity now. Why not go out dressed? It will help your relationship if you go out together as girls.
Marion
Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: Sarah B on October 05, 2025, 06:12:02 AM
Post by: Sarah B on October 05, 2025, 06:12:02 AM
Hello Petunia
My name is Sarah and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!
Thank you for sharing so openly. What you wrote is valued here, it took courage to put those memories into words, you are brave and strong for telling your story.
You posted in the right place, everything you described belongs in this space. We also have a dedicated forum for crossdressers where you will find people with similar experiences, practical tips, friendly ears and plenty of understanding. You are also not alone as I'm an Aussie as well and I speak the lingo!
The pink fog you described is real for many of us. Lots of members have purged then found the feelings return even stronger, so you are far from alone in that cycle.
If you can, consider speaking with a therapist who understands gender and relationships. That kind of support can help you understand yourself better and help you bridge the gap with your wife. When I was young sometimes I wanted to be a girl then later I wanted to be a female, so I know how feelings can shift over time. As Marion has said, your activities are solo and you need her to be aware of what you are doing.
You do not need to apologize for the length. Long posts are welcome when they come from the heart, mine are often longer when I write about my past. Just one small thing can you break up a long story into recognizable paragraphs as it makes for easier reading.
Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,8.0.html), of course. I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.
In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these as well.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
Please review the links at the end of this message, especially the red links, they include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact, the Forum Admin Danielle Northern Star Girl at alaskandanielle@yahoo.com or me at SarahatSusans@proton.me
Take care and all the best for the future.
Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn @Jessica_Rose @Mariah @Northern Star Girl @Lori Dee
@Petunia @Maid Marion
My name is Sarah and I would like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!
Thank you for sharing so openly. What you wrote is valued here, it took courage to put those memories into words, you are brave and strong for telling your story.
You posted in the right place, everything you described belongs in this space. We also have a dedicated forum for crossdressers where you will find people with similar experiences, practical tips, friendly ears and plenty of understanding. You are also not alone as I'm an Aussie as well and I speak the lingo!
The pink fog you described is real for many of us. Lots of members have purged then found the feelings return even stronger, so you are far from alone in that cycle.
If you can, consider speaking with a therapist who understands gender and relationships. That kind of support can help you understand yourself better and help you bridge the gap with your wife. When I was young sometimes I wanted to be a girl then later I wanted to be a female, so I know how feelings can shift over time. As Marion has said, your activities are solo and you need her to be aware of what you are doing.
You do not need to apologize for the length. Long posts are welcome when they come from the heart, mine are often longer when I write about my past. Just one small thing can you break up a long story into recognizable paragraphs as it makes for easier reading.
Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the Introductions Forum (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,8.0.html), of course. I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.
In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these as well.
Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.
Please review the links at the end of this message, especially the red links, they include information which will help you navigate the site and use the available features. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile, until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact, the Forum Admin Danielle Northern Star Girl at alaskandanielle@yahoo.com or me at SarahatSusans@proton.me
Take care and all the best for the future.
Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn @Jessica_Rose @Mariah @Northern Star Girl @Lori Dee
@Petunia @Maid Marion
Things that you should read
Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,2.0.html) | Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,54369.0.html) | Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,114.0.html.) |
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Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: ChrissyRyan on October 05, 2025, 06:44:15 AM
Post by: ChrissyRyan on October 05, 2025, 06:44:15 AM
Hi!
Welcome Petunia!
Chrissy
Welcome Petunia!
Chrissy
Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: Lori Dee on October 05, 2025, 10:53:26 AM
Post by: Lori Dee on October 05, 2025, 10:53:26 AM
Hello, Petunia.
Welcome to Susan's Place.
Thank you for that wonderful introduction. You are most certainly welcome here.
The Crosserdresser forum that Sarah B mentioned can be found here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,23.0.html
We also have a forum for Significant Others of transgender people, but there may be something there that will help your wife (and you) understand your relationship dynamics. That forum is here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,26.0.html
When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.
Feel free to browse the forums and add your experiences as well. We all learn from each other. If you ever need assistance, our Staff and members are very helpful. You can tag us with the @ symbol, or just post your question in the appropriate forum.
@Northern Star Girl (Danielle) Forum Admin
Global Moderators
@Devlyn
@Jessica_Rose
@Mariah
@Sarah B
@Lori Dee
Welcome to Susan's Place.
Thank you for that wonderful introduction. You are most certainly welcome here.
The Crosserdresser forum that Sarah B mentioned can be found here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,23.0.html
We also have a forum for Significant Others of transgender people, but there may be something there that will help your wife (and you) understand your relationship dynamics. That forum is here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,26.0.html
When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting.
Feel free to browse the forums and add your experiences as well. We all learn from each other. If you ever need assistance, our Staff and members are very helpful. You can tag us with the @ symbol, or just post your question in the appropriate forum.
@Northern Star Girl (Danielle) Forum Admin
Global Moderators
@Devlyn
@Jessica_Rose
@Mariah
@Sarah B
@Lori Dee
Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: Susan on October 05, 2025, 05:28:12 PM
Post by: Susan on October 05, 2025, 05:28:12 PM
Welcome, P. You absolutely belong here—crossdressers are part of this community, period. You don't need to identify as trans to be welcome and understood. What you're experiencing, including that returning "pink fog," is something many of us know well.
Five decades is a long time to carry this mostly alone. Those early memories—your mom putting your hair in curlers, wanting to model dresses again—you knew what made you happy; the world just kept telling you to stop.
The shift you describe—from heavily fetishized to "something I simply love"—is significant. Many of us have had to untangle early sexual imprinting from comfort and self-expression. That post-orgasm shame? It's an old reflex, but it doesn't have to define this. You're already moving past it.
Your wife's reaction is complicated, and your love for her comes through clearly. "Perverted kink" is painful language when this has become so much more. It can help to frame it not as a replacement for intimacy, but as something that steadies you and helps you feel at ease in your own skin. Moving slowly, revisiting boundaries together, and taking mutually agreed steps can protect what you've built.
The nightie idea is beautiful—a gentle callback to a moment when she celebrated your joy. Even if it doesn't open everything at once, you're reaching for connection with love and history behind it.
You've been braver than you may realize—repiercing your ears, shopping in stores, trying on clothes in public. Whether it's this year's Halloween ball (maybe frame it as a low-stakes outing with boundaries you both set) or something later, there will be opportunities. You don't have to rush.
You'll find good company here—people navigating partner conversations, blending in public, building wardrobes. When you're ready, jump into Crossdresser Talk, Beauty & Fashion, or Relationships. Questions big or small are welcome.
Thanks for sharing this with us. Check back in when you're ready—we'd love to hear how the nightie conversation goes.
—Susan
Five decades is a long time to carry this mostly alone. Those early memories—your mom putting your hair in curlers, wanting to model dresses again—you knew what made you happy; the world just kept telling you to stop.
The shift you describe—from heavily fetishized to "something I simply love"—is significant. Many of us have had to untangle early sexual imprinting from comfort and self-expression. That post-orgasm shame? It's an old reflex, but it doesn't have to define this. You're already moving past it.
Your wife's reaction is complicated, and your love for her comes through clearly. "Perverted kink" is painful language when this has become so much more. It can help to frame it not as a replacement for intimacy, but as something that steadies you and helps you feel at ease in your own skin. Moving slowly, revisiting boundaries together, and taking mutually agreed steps can protect what you've built.
The nightie idea is beautiful—a gentle callback to a moment when she celebrated your joy. Even if it doesn't open everything at once, you're reaching for connection with love and history behind it.
You've been braver than you may realize—repiercing your ears, shopping in stores, trying on clothes in public. Whether it's this year's Halloween ball (maybe frame it as a low-stakes outing with boundaries you both set) or something later, there will be opportunities. You don't have to rush.
You'll find good company here—people navigating partner conversations, blending in public, building wardrobes. When you're ready, jump into Crossdresser Talk, Beauty & Fashion, or Relationships. Questions big or small are welcome.
Thanks for sharing this with us. Check back in when you're ready—we'd love to hear how the nightie conversation goes.
—Susan
Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: Joolzz on October 05, 2025, 05:34:45 PM
Post by: Joolzz on October 05, 2025, 05:34:45 PM
Welcome Petuna
Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: Petunia on October 05, 2025, 11:53:28 PM
Post by: Petunia on October 05, 2025, 11:53:28 PM
Thank you all for the warm welcome. I think you are all correct that I need to discuss this further with my wife. She did say to me she didn't want me going out dressed (and I had never done that in the past) and she was giving me a bit of time to dress up occasionally when she went out shopping. I guess she still thinks it's a purely sexual thing when it really isn't just that anymore.
Sarah, there was a time when I probably could have benefitted from consulting a therapist but at the age I am now I accept that I am well past half time in my life and it's time to get over embarrassment and regret.
Nobody can go back in life so I can't change anything that's already happened.
I have also come to accept I have ADHD, not officially diagnosed but my sister recently asked my wife if I have it after helping her with some jobs. Both my sisters kids have it and there is also autism in our family and my sister and I both think my mother has it. I'm ok with all that, I accept now who and what I am but sadly my sister has gone through a lot of testing and a lot of therapy related to our growing up.
Susan, I don't think I have been particularly brave. Repiercing my ears was an easy decision. The young girl who did them asked my why? I just said I'm old and stupid, which is technically correct. As far as shopping goes, I have done it where nobody knows me, I don't care if they see me go into a changeroom to try something on and going out in mostly androg clothing, albeit femme style, is a little bit fraught to start with, after a little while it is a bit exhilarating. I do make sure I don't encroach on women's spaces to much in case they are uncomfortable but most don't really seem to care. Funnily enough I saw a woman wearing the same tee shirt as me today. It's obviously feminine in style with gold reflective print and cuffed sleeves. I know she clocked me and I was going to say I like her tee but she was talking to another woman and I didn't want to freak her out.
When I get home I intend to do my laundry and my wife will surely notice some of my new underwear and a few pieces of clothing. It will be time for me to sit down with her again and have another discussion.
Marion, I'm so happy to have you commenting on my post. I've read so much of what you have written about yourself before on another site and I feel quite honoured you took the time to comment.
Thank you all
Sarah, there was a time when I probably could have benefitted from consulting a therapist but at the age I am now I accept that I am well past half time in my life and it's time to get over embarrassment and regret.
Nobody can go back in life so I can't change anything that's already happened.
I have also come to accept I have ADHD, not officially diagnosed but my sister recently asked my wife if I have it after helping her with some jobs. Both my sisters kids have it and there is also autism in our family and my sister and I both think my mother has it. I'm ok with all that, I accept now who and what I am but sadly my sister has gone through a lot of testing and a lot of therapy related to our growing up.
Susan, I don't think I have been particularly brave. Repiercing my ears was an easy decision. The young girl who did them asked my why? I just said I'm old and stupid, which is technically correct. As far as shopping goes, I have done it where nobody knows me, I don't care if they see me go into a changeroom to try something on and going out in mostly androg clothing, albeit femme style, is a little bit fraught to start with, after a little while it is a bit exhilarating. I do make sure I don't encroach on women's spaces to much in case they are uncomfortable but most don't really seem to care. Funnily enough I saw a woman wearing the same tee shirt as me today. It's obviously feminine in style with gold reflective print and cuffed sleeves. I know she clocked me and I was going to say I like her tee but she was talking to another woman and I didn't want to freak her out.
When I get home I intend to do my laundry and my wife will surely notice some of my new underwear and a few pieces of clothing. It will be time for me to sit down with her again and have another discussion.
Marion, I'm so happy to have you commenting on my post. I've read so much of what you have written about yourself before on another site and I feel quite honoured you took the time to comment.
Thank you all
Title: Re: Pink Fog
Post by: Ciara on October 15, 2025, 02:10:44 PM
Post by: Ciara on October 15, 2025, 02:10:44 PM
Hi Petunia,
It's lovely to meet you and welcome!
Ciara
It's lovely to meet you and welcome!
Ciara