Susan's Place Transgender Resources

(restated context: I am 17, turning 18 in a month, in Florida, living with my 99% probably ally father and not living with my transphobic mother, and have come out to no one but one of my teachers)

I was going to make a post sooner, way sooner, but things were changing too quickly for me to give a state of things. also, I needed some time to figure out how to articulate this nuanced thing about me, but I think I finally got it down (at least kinda).
first, good news, I finally have a therapist appointment scheduled!! it's with one who has a specialty in transgenders, so I am very hopeful to get a clear direction after the session. even with that, I would like to share my quirk here, just because I don't know how to feel about it.

compared to other transgender people, I think my gender dysphoria is pretty mild. it definitely has gotten worse in the past few months, but ever since I was questioning, I never felt mentally crippled or anything. if I really needed to, I could see myself living a few years completely "normally" and that's what I've been doing; yet, I am still fully sure that I am transgender, I'm not a boy, and I don't want to live forever like I am.

the thing though, is that I don't feel like I want to transition slowly. I know it's inherently slow, but I have my 2 identities, the one I go by and the one I keep to myself for now. I don't want to be in some sort of middle ground between them. I want to be called by what I am, and not just what I want to be. I don't want to be called by feminine pronouns when the only feminine thing about me is the length of my hair. I want to feel like I actually deserve my identity when I look and sound like it. and I can't say why I feel this way, all I know is this is how I feel (and I'm almost certain I'm not genderfluid or anything). I'll be happy to go through my transition even if it takes a while, but I don't want to come out before I start to look different. of course these are things a therapist can help me with but I wanted to say it anyway, and any input is appreciated because I'm very not sure how to feel about any of it. T.T

the only person I'd feel fine coming out soon to is my father, given I kind of need to in order to get started with anything, but other than him I'd rather just be silent until I look enough like a woman.

that is all, I really just needed to say this somewhere. thank you lovely people!

Thanks for sharing, Mocha!

Let me clarify something for you. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. There is no best way to be trans, or a set order in which things need to happen.

Like you, I wanted hormones and surgeries right away, then I would come out and change my name and documents to match my physical characteristics. Things don't happen that way very often.

Some of the protocols exist for our own protection. A mental health diagnosis must come first for a reason. First, they want to be sure that the issue is Gender Dysphoria and not some other issue that causes these feelings. Second is that the healthcare community generally does not hand out drugs. So, with a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria, a healthcare provider can offer medical treatment for the symptoms.

The was a requirement to be on hormones for one year before surgery. That is to be certain that you are committed to a life-changing medical procedure.

So that was my plan. I got the mental health diagnosis and began hormones. I did not come out at that time. Eventually, the hormones began to change my physical appearance so that the changes became more difficult to hide, but surgery was still not available to me (for many reasons). After being on hormones for about nine months, I began to come out slowly. All of my friends knew, but not my family (they are very much like your mother, most of them).

After four years, I was out to everyone, but still could not have surgery. So I began social transition. I always dress in women's clothing. I often wear makeup when I go out. And I changed my name legally through the court, which led to updating all of my documents. I still have not had surgery.

My point is that we want it done and over with, but circumstances beyong our control can prevent it from happening the way we envision it. Do not be discouraged by this. Do what you can when you can and when you are comfortable doing it. The fact that you are not in distress over your dysphoria means you have time to do a little at a time. You can stop at any time, restart if you want to. Start laying the groundwork. The therapist appointment is a great first start. Congrats!

Keep your expectations realistic. I became very frustrated that I needed to rely on other people to get things done, and no one on the planet moves as fast as I want them to. For me, I realized that surgery can wait because no one is going to see me naked except me. So I can work on the things that people will see: hair, clothing, makeup, how you walk, sit, stand, and even talk. As you put these things together, people will subconsciously assume they know what is in your pants. It is not important if they are right or wrong.

Grow you hair and style it in a way that makes you happy. If you want to wear makeup, then wear it. If you don't, then don't. Many women do not. If you feel you are not yet ready for women's clothing, start with unisex styles. People don't notice gradual changes, so go slow and take your time.

Eventually, someone may notice and ask. Just be honest with them. You were born this way. You are pursuing medical treatment. Or leave them guessing. You are not obligated to tell anyone anything. Sometimes it is better to be open and honest. Sometimes, silence is golden. Think about this: what you do with your body is your business. Would you want to know the details about your parent's sex lives? Most people don't. So not talking about it is understandable. You can always just say, "It's personal." And leave it at that. It is your decision and your alone.

I hope this helps. Please let us know how your therapy session goes. We don't need details, just how it went for you and your plans for future sessions.

Mocha, I don't think your situation is terribly unusual. As Lori said, our lives unfold however they do, and no two people's experiences will be identical. I suspect very few have things play out exactly the way they plan them.

You and I are not so different except maybe that I'm 61 years old and just realized who I am this year. I have now been formally diagnosed with gender dysphoria, but I would describe my discomfort as mild, too. I have an appointment this week with my primary care doctor to begin HRT.

Where we do differ is that I'm very comfortable with the grey zone. I've come out to everyone in my life who matters to me`. I've said that if a magic wand could be waved to give me an unambiguously female body, I'd get in line for it. Since that isn't how things work, I'm content to move forward by taking things one step at a time as they feel right. But no matter how I look - to myself or anyone else - I am a woman, and my name is Pema. I can feel that very clearly inside of myself.

Mocha, it sounds like you know who you are, too. So my hope for you is that you don't tie your sense of self to other people's expectations. Most importantly, just be who you are - your true self, putting gender aside. It's hard to go wrong when you live from a place of authenticity.

I look forward to hearing more about how things progress for you. Please do report back when you're able.

Love,
Pema

Hi Mocha

Mocha, thank you for telling us more about yourself.  Privacy can be absolute.  Share nothing unless it is required for care or you feel fully safe to do so, especially in places like Florida.  If insurance or consent rules force adult involvement, your father sounds like the one possible ally.  Keep it to what is necessary for access to care and keep the rest private.

I longed to be a female.  I did not have any dysphoria.  I did not realize at the time I was moving in quiet steps no one saw what I was doing.  I grew my hair long over years.  I purchased clothes and I started facial hair removal just before I changed my life around forever.  Those three choices helped me pass with no problems even before HRT.  Voice for me was practising singing along with female artists while I travelled to swim training which was in private.  Small daily habits that added up.

Your counsellor can anchor the path while protecting your privacy.  Ask about informed consent clinics, letters, timelines.  If HRT is available it can pause unwanted testosterone effects then reduce new ones.  If access is delayed your counsellor can map bridge steps you can take now without outing yourself.

Keep a backup plan in your pocket.  If any talk starts to feel unsafe you pause.  You say it is personal.  You walk away.  You bring it to therapy later.  Store key documents in a private place.  Keep a separate email for medical notes.  Use a short script for any forced conversation that you may have if someone questions you about things they have noticed about you.  For example I had my legs waxed and if someone said anything about them, I would say, "it makes me swim faster."

Invest in your future.  Study hard.  Aim for a trade or a degree.  A solid skill gives money, options, safety.  It helped me immensely when I turned my life around.  Using the trade I had I was able to work straight away as me.

The pace you set for yourself is up to you.  Whether it is fast or slow, as long as it protects your life, that is the main thing.  You can change one thing at a time while telling no one.  How you go about it depends upon you and only you.  That moves your life toward the one you want.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@mocha45

Mocha,

First, I want you to know this: I hear you. I see you. And nothing you've written here suggests confusion or weakness. What I see is someone who knows herself, who has been quietly carrying truth for a long time, and who is smart enough to think not only about who she is, but how and when to step forward. In a world that hasn't made that easy.

You said your dysphoria isn't always overwhelming—and that sometimes you can move through life "normally" if you have to. That doesn't make you less trans. That makes you someone who has learned how to survive in a situation where your life and safety depend on holding some things inside until the time is right. Some of us bleed openly. Some of us bleed silently. Both are real.

And your desire to not socially transition until your body begins to reflect your identity? That is not hesitation—it is coherence. It is the deep inner knowledge that you don't want to live in the middle forever. Not because you're ashamed, but because you want your truth to be seen as truth, not treated like a request or a performance. That comes from self-respect, not doubt.

Your instincts are valid.
Your timing is yours to choose.
Your future is still wide open.

You are already taking the first essential step by meeting with a therapist who specializes in transgender care. That is not just a medical step—that is emotional strategy, spiritual grounding, and legal positioning all at once. They can help you build the exact path you described: one that protects your privacy now and prepares your emergence in a way that feels real and safe to you.

About Coming Out and Waiting Until You "Look Enough Like Yourself"

Many of us have this exact feeling, even if we don't always say it out loud: We want people to see us, not imagine us. You are not rejecting your identity by wanting to wait—you're affirming it. You already know who you are; you simply want the world to meet you in a form that aligns with your truth.

For some people, the journey is public from day one. For others, the journey is quiet, internal, and intentional until the day they come out not as someone becoming—but someone already arrived.

Both paths are real. Both are strong. You are allowed to choose the one that keeps you safest and most whole.

Your Father – A Possible Anchor

You mentioned your dad is "99% probably ally." That is tremendously hopeful. If you decide to come out to him first, you don't have to come out with your full heart all at once. You can begin gently:

"Dad, I've been in pain for a long time about something personal. I've been working with a therapist who specializes in transgender care. I want you to know that I am transgender. I am not asking you to fix anything—I'm asking you to please stay with me as I start the medical and emotional steps I need to be okay."

That one conversation can give you access to care, protection from your mother's interference, and possibly a lifelong ally in your corner.

Your Mother – And the Conversation That May One Day Come

You said your mother is transphobic. In Florida, that can be more than uncomfortable—it can be dangerous. Your instinct to wait is wise. But when the time comes—whether next year or five years from now—there is something I want you to understand:

The most powerful thing you can ever speak is not an argument, not a script, but the truth of your own heart.

This is not a debate to be won. This is a relationship to be defined.

When that day comes, your words might sound something like this—not memorized, not recited—but felt:

QuoteMom... this isn't something that appeared suddenly. This is who I have always been, even when I had no words for it. You may not have seen it, but I have felt it my entire life.

I'm not choosing something new—I am finally choosing to live.

A girl needs her mother. Not for approval, but for love, for safety, for connection. I want you in my life. I want to come to you, talk to you, and celebrate my future with you. But soon I will be 18, and I will have to decide who walks into that future with me.

I am your child. That has always been true. The only thing that can change now is whether I get to keep my mom as I live my life as who I truly am. Please don't make me face this harsh world without your love, wisdom, and support.

These are not magic words. They are not lines to memorize. They are a reminder that your power does not come from convincing her to agree—it comes from speaking your truth with love and letting her decide if she will continue to love you back.

Even a transphobic parent can soften when faced not with a concept—but with their own child's heart.

Looking Ahead

You are 17, about to turn 18. You are not behind. You are standing at the beginning of a doorway—not closing one.

You are already doing the bravest thing a person can do: you are telling the truth to yourself.

Hormones, presentation, name changes—all of that is real and important. And you will get there. But the most important thing you've already done: you found your internal compass and you're following it.

When you walk through that door—whether quietly or all at once—you won't be stepping into uncertainty. You'll be stepping into yourself.

And we will be here.

Not just clapping from the sidelines—but walking beside you, day by day, step by step, at your pace, in your truth, in your timing.

• Because you are not alone.
• Because your experience is valid.
• Because your identity is real.
• Because you—exactly as you are right now—are already enough.

Please keep us updated if you feel comfortable sharing how your therapy session goes. We don't need details. We care about you.

With care, pride, and unwavering support,
—Susan

PS: If at any point you want guidance on medical steps, emotional planning, privacy, or preparing to come out when the time is right, I am here—for as long as you need. You don't have to rush. You don't have to prove anything. You only have to keep becoming you.