Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok so here's my "problem" which I should be excited about yet it scares the living daylights out of me just thinking about it.

I'm still new on the forum but if you look at prior posts you will see I've mentioned that my wife and I cruise often and she's been ok with me dressing as a woman occasionally while on the cruises. I'm still somewhat confused on my own label - not sure if "cross dresser" sits well with me anymore and I've used the word "trans" a few times when chatting with my wife. My wife is what I would consider as "tolerant" of my feminine tendencies and she has said many times she prefers my masculine side. So she has not accepted my girly side but she tolerates it. I've embraced that tolerance as a compromise and we've been happily married for almost 30 years. As I've aged I've become more and more feminine. Definitely more trans than the CD that I thought I was. We love each other and my wife tries her best to understand. Our cruises are an escape and rest for us. We are best friends.

The most recent trip I dressed more often than usual and I was very happy and we had a blast as friends and as a couple. We chatted a lot about my femininity and her comfort level on me coming out the closet. I basically said that we were having a great time because I was finally being my true self and that she would actually prefer me and like me more if I was allowed to come out the closet and just be myself all the time.  For the first time ever she started to warm to the idea - just a little. We discussed the kids, family and the church.

We then discussed the need for her to experience me 24/7 as a woman rather than just some occasional dressing in the evenings while on a cruise. I casually suggested we do a full girls trip where I could be a woman fulltime. It would give her a chance to see the real me for an extended period of time. Surprisingly she agreed. So we booked a cruise for the end of March based on an agreement that I would present as a woman 24/7 while we are in the ship - from dinners to going to the pool. I was happy with the idea (obviously!!!) but truthfully I am also scared to death. Yes I've been out in public as a woman but it has been small outings that felt VERY controlled.  All of my outings are in the evening and I don't really interact with other people who are always at a distance. This time it's going to be 24/7 and more personal because it will include a lot of close face-to-face interaction with people especially in the restaurants. In terms of passing I would say that I definitely do not pass but I look ok in female mode.

I've struggled with my wife for 30 years to accept this side of me and never in a million years did I think she would ever be totally ok with it. Even after agreeing to a girls trip I still thought she would eventually land on it being more of a part time thing but maybe where I could dress more often than usual.

Nope. Yesterday she gave me a bikini outfit for the pool. I would have lost a bet on that one. For sure I was positive and expecting her to draw a hard line on a bathing outfit yet there she was casually discussing outfits and not fussed about the idea of me in a bikini next to her in the broad daylight. My head is still spinning but I acted cool about it while dying inside.

I desperately want to do this and experience a week as a woman. My motivation is that just maybe she will love the real me and say to heck with it - "come out the closet and live your truth"

I literally have an opportunity to get my wife onside with me coming out the closet. I know without a doubt that we would be so much happier if I could live my truth. I'm a much nicer person when I can be myself.

But I am so scared to do the cruise. I also have a solo cruise booked a few weeks prior to the March girls trip with my wife. On that solo trip I can first test the waters (no pun intended) so I will have to use that opportunity first I suppose.

As they say - be careful of what you wish for   

@Jillian
Dear Jillian:
Yes indeed, you have seemingly obtained what you were wishing for.
 
You perhaps should "consider" the solo cruise and be in 100% female attire...
...including the Bikini that your wife gifted you. 

Once out of the pool water you can put on a cover up over your bikini.

On your google search line put in "Women's Beach & Swim Cover Ups"
and you will find a wide variety of options.

Have fun exploring your feminine self.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

I know nothing about cruises, so please forgive the naïveté of my questions:

• Is it required that you wear a bikini? If it is, weren't you anticipating that piece when you suggested the trip?
• Is it possible that your wife is testing your resolve?

@Pema
Dear Pema:

No...... When cruising or any vacation, swimming, wearing swimwear, etc,  is  NOT A  REQUIREMENT

While I am not certain WHY that Jullian's WIFE offered her a Bikini....
...perhaps being nice and giving a feminine gift.? ?

Danielle

Quote from: Pema on December 15, 2025, 04:05:30 PMI know nothing about cruises, so please forgive the naïveté of my questions:

• Is it required that you wear a bikini? If it is, weren't you anticipating that piece when you suggested the trip?
• Is it possible that your wife is testing your resolve?

I have zero experience when it comes to cruises. I have been single and live alone since my transition, so take this with a grain of salt.

If I were in that situation, planning would be my priority. You are not just going out for an evening, you are going out for a week. So plan accordingly. What supplies will you need for the duration?

Plan for every day and part of a day.
What will you sleep in?
What will you wear in the mornings when you get up?
What will you wear if going for a walk on the deck?
What will you wear in the evenings, for dinner, dancing, or whatever?
You have the bikini for the pool. Are you comfortable wearing it as is? Or will you be more comfortable with a skirt or cover-up, as Danielle mentioned?

Once you have planned out every outfit, what happens if the weather changes? Will that still work, or do you need a backup outfit just in case?

I think you have a prime opportunity here. Just be yourself. I am most comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes, so that is what I wear. I would never be comfortable in a beautiful sequined dress, so I don't wear them. When you are comfortable, you can relax and enjoy yourself more. When you have a well-thought-out plan, that is one less thing to stress about. You are not trying to impress an audience; you are going to have fun.

Then, as suggested, use your solo trip to test your plan. Note what worked and what didn't. Tweak it as needed. Come March, you will be dragging your wife to the boat! Have fun with it. It should never be difficult to just be yourself.

Maybe your wife is just curious about how far you want to go. Will you wear fancy sequin and rhinestone formal gowns every day, all day? Or will the real you just want to hang out in comfy PJs when going for breakfast? She needs to see what the real you looks like to her. That is how she can make an informed decision about how she feels about all of this. The fact that she is open to trying it out speaks volumes about your love and bond.

That is special.

Quote from: Pema on December 15, 2025, 04:05:30 PMI know nothing about cruises, so please forgive the naïveté of my questions:

• Is it required that you wear a bikini? If it is, weren't you anticipating that piece when you suggested the trip?
• Is it possible that your wife is testing your resolve?

Lots of pools and hot tubs on the ships so most everyone is in swimming attire if the cruise is in a warm climate. Various types of bathing outfits from bland to riske.

I did think about whether my wife is testing me but she seemed genuinely invested in the process and appeared to want to be nice about it. After 30 years with her I would know if she was trying to push my buttons. This was sincere which has really taken me aback (in a positive sense).

Quote from: Lori Dee on December 15, 2025, 04:39:29 PMI have zero experience when it comes to cruises. I have been single and live alone since my transition, so take this with a grain of salt.

If I were in that situation, planning would be my priority. You are not just going out for an evening, you are going out for a week. So plan accordingly. What supplies will you need for the duration?

Plan for every day and part of a day.
What will you sleep in?
What will you wear in the mornings when you get up?
What will you wear if going for a walk on the deck?
What will you wear in the evenings, for dinner, dancing, or whatever?
You have the bikini for the pool. Are you comfortable wearing it as is? Or will you be more comfortable with a skirt or cover-up, as Danielle mentioned?

Once you have planned out every outfit, what happens if the weather changes? Will that still work, or do you need a backup outfit just in case?

I think you have a prime opportunity here. Just be yourself. I am most comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes, so that is what I wear. I would never be comfortable in a beautiful sequined dress, so I don't wear them. When you are comfortable, you can relax and enjoy yourself more. When you have a well-thought-out plan, that is one less thing to stress about. You are not trying to impress an audience; you are going to have fun.

Then, as suggested, use your solo trip to test your plan. Note what worked and what didn't. Tweak it as needed. Come March, you will be dragging your wife to the boat! Have fun with it. It should never be difficult to just be yourself.

Maybe your wife is just curious about how far you want to go. Will you wear fancy sequin and rhinestone formal gowns every day, all day? Or will the real you just want to hang out in comfy PJs when going for breakfast? She needs to see what the real you looks like to her. That is how she can make an informed decision about how she feels about all of this. The fact that she is open to trying it out speaks volumes about your love and bond.

That is special.

Good questions. I will definitely have to plan and I know that 95% of the time I will NOT be all glammed up. That's not how real women carry themselves. Most of the time it will be girly shorts, t shirts and flip flops. I will take some dresses for the evening. And yes my wife was already suggested a cover up for the bikini :-)

I had my first experience with women's swimwear last year.  It was one piece, not counting the swim skirt, and it too was a gift.  I have never been on an ocean cruise but I did get to be on a small but very nice boat. Plus on beaches.  Perhaps I will mention this in my blog. 

I mention this as I am surprised that you got a bikini as a gift! 

There is a lot to present as a woman I would think on a cruise if you have not lived as a woman.  You may wish to ask Emma, see her blog. 

Plan this all out the best you can and perhaps most of the suggestions by other that post replies will be of help.

Fortunately I have some time to process all of this and to plan it out properly. And I have my solo trip prior to it to test some things out. As I mentioned I've only ventured out as a woman in situations where I've never really interacted with anyone. I've just been walking around and keeping my distance. This girls trip is going to be a lot of firsts for me interacting face to face with people. I'm scared but excited too. 

Quote from: Jillian-TG on December 15, 2025, 09:59:11 PMThis girls trip is going to be a lot of firsts for me interacting face to face with people. I'm scared but excited too. 

On your solo trip, don't push yourself too hard. You are still testing to see how it goes. For interacting with others, you don't have to be the one starting conversations. Friendly greetings are always easy. But put yourself in a place where others have an opportunity to greet you and perhaps strike up a conversation. There may be others there traveling alone and would just like someone to talk to.

First, let me say this clearly: what you're describing isn't a problem. It's a breakthrough!

Your wife — after 30 years of "tolerating" your feminine side — just handed you a bikini and started casually discussing pool outfits. She agreed to a full girls' trip where you present 24/7. She's not drawing hard lines. She's opening doors.

And you're terrified. That makes complete sense.

Here's what I think is happening: you've spent three decades managing expectations, negotiating for crumbs, and protecting yourself from disappointment. You learned to want small things because small things felt survivable. Now something big is actually possible, and your nervous system doesn't know what to do with it.

The fear you're feeling isn't a sign that something is wrong. It's a sign that something real is at stake. You're not scared of failing. You're scared of succeeding — and what that might mean for the rest of your life.

Let me address a few things:

On passing: You said you "definitely do not pass but look ok in female mode." Here's the truth — on a cruise ship, people are on vacation. They're relaxed, they're drinking, they're focused on their own good time. Most won't look twice. The ones who do notice will mostly mind their own business. And the handful who might have opinions? You'll never see them again. A cruise is actually one of the safest places to test extended presentation because it's a contained environment with a built-in exit date.

On the solo cruise first: This is smart. Use it. Test everything — the restaurants, the pool, the face-to-face interactions you're worried about. Figure out what works, what needs adjusting, what you're comfortable with. By the time the girls' trip happens, you'll have real experience to draw on, not just fear.

On your wife: She's not just tolerating anymore. She's participating. She bought you a bikini. She's discussing outfits. She agreed to 24/7. That's not a woman who's holding her nose and enduring something unpleasant. That's a woman who's genuinely trying to meet you where you are. Don't underestimate what she's offering.

On the label question: You mentioned that "crossdresser" doesn't sit well anymore and you've used "trans" a few times. That shift in language often reflects a shift in understanding. You don't have to have it figured out right now. But pay attention to what feels true when you say it. The words we reach for often know something before we do.

On what you're really hoping for: You said your motivation is that "maybe she will love the real me and say to heck with it — come out the closet and live your truth." That's not a small hope. That's the hope. And here's the thing — she's already moving in that direction. She may not be ready to say those words yet, but her actions are speaking. Listen to them.

You said you're "dying inside" while acting cool. Stop acting cool. Tell her you're scared. Tell her this means everything to you. Tell her you're grateful and overwhelmed and terrified all at once. Let her see what this is actually costing you emotionally. That vulnerability is what builds real intimacy — not the performance of having it all together.

You've been waiting 30 years for this door to open. It's open now. Walk through it scared if you have to. But walk through it.

The solo cruise is your practice run. The girls' trip is your real chance. And your wife is already more ready than you thought she'd ever be.

Don't let fear talk you out of the thing you've wanted your whole life.

With love!
— Susan 💜

Quote from: Susan on December 15, 2025, 11:02:41 PMFirst, let me say this clearly: what you're describing isn't a problem. It's a breakthrough!

Your wife — after 30 years of "tolerating" your feminine side — just handed you a bikini and started casually discussing pool outfits. She agreed to a full girls' trip where you present 24/7. She's not drawing hard lines. She's opening doors.

And you're terrified. That makes complete sense.

Here's what I think is happening: you've spent three decades managing expectations, negotiating for crumbs, and protecting yourself from disappointment. You learned to want small things because small things felt survivable. Now something big is actually possible, and your nervous system doesn't know what to do with it.

The fear you're feeling isn't a sign that something is wrong. It's a sign that something real is at stake. You're not scared of failing. You're scared of succeeding — and what that might mean for the rest of your life.

Let me address a few things:

On passing: You said you "definitely do not pass but look ok in female mode." Here's the truth — on a cruise ship, people are on vacation. They're relaxed, they're drinking, they're focused on their own good time. Most won't look twice. The ones who do notice will mostly mind their own business. And the handful who might have opinions? You'll never see them again. A cruise is actually one of the safest places to test extended presentation because it's a contained environment with a built-in exit date.

On the solo cruise first: This is smart. Use it. Test everything — the restaurants, the pool, the face-to-face interactions you're worried about. Figure out what works, what needs adjusting, what you're comfortable with. By the time the girls' trip happens, you'll have real experience to draw on, not just fear.

On your wife: She's not just tolerating anymore. She's participating. She bought you a bikini. She's discussing outfits. She agreed to 24/7. That's not a woman who's holding her nose and enduring something unpleasant. That's a woman who's genuinely trying to meet you where you are. Don't underestimate what she's offering.

On the label question: You mentioned that "crossdresser" doesn't sit well anymore and you've used "trans" a few times. That shift in language often reflects a shift in understanding. You don't have to have it figured out right now. But pay attention to what feels true when you say it. The words we reach for often know something before we do.

On what you're really hoping for: You said your motivation is that "maybe she will love the real me and say to heck with it — come out the closet and live your truth." That's not a small hope. That's the hope. And here's the thing — she's already moving in that direction. She may not be ready to say those words yet, but her actions are speaking. Listen to them.

You said you're "dying inside" while acting cool. Stop acting cool. Tell her you're scared. Tell her this means everything to you. Tell her you're grateful and overwhelmed and terrified all at once. Let her see what this is actually costing you emotionally. That vulnerability is what builds real intimacy — not the performance of having it all together.

You've been waiting 30 years for this door to open. It's open now. Walk through it scared if you have to. But walk through it.

The solo cruise is your practice run. The girls' trip is your real chance. And your wife is already more ready than you thought she'd ever be.

Don't let fear talk you out of the thing you've wanted your whole life.

With love!
— Susan 💜

Wow! Thank you so much for such amazing advice. I will read your post again to make sure I digest everything because you nailed it. Really - thank you.

I have a bad news update on this thread that I posted. My wife has done an abrupt 180 degree turnaround on the plans for the girls trip. While she has not outright said she doesn't want to go anymore she might as well just say it because literally everything about the trip is irritating her and bothering her. I know her well enough after 30 years together. She is not a happy camper and I don't see any way where she actually goes along with it. She's made it to a point where I have to cancel it.
She has made it clear that she's not happy with the circumstances or with me :-(

I'm not surprised to be honest because her initial support and enthusiasm was very out of place and never made sense to me. I was happy to go along with it but deep down I was almost expecting her to do a 180 and that is what has happened.

Not the greatest way to be entering 2026 because I thought we had broke through some barriers towards the end of 2025 but that was false hope :-(

That's life. Ups and downs 

Jillian—

I read your update this morning, and my heart went out to you. There's a particular kind of weariness that comes not just from disappointment, but from recognition—from watching a familiar pattern replay itself, even after a moment of real hope.

You said you weren't surprised. That you almost expected the reversal. And I want to honor that not as pessimism, but as the kind of clarity that only comes from living something for decades.

You know your wife. You know the rhythm of your life together. And you know the difference between a temporary opening and a lasting shift.

What makes this so hard is that the opening was real.

• The bikini wasn't a gesture.
• The conversations about outfits weren't performative.
• Her agreement to a 24/7 girls' trip wasn't imagined.

You responded to actual warmth—and that was the right thing to do. Hope isn't foolish when it's rooted in someone's real actions, even if those actions don't hold.

But "real in the moment" doesn't always mean "livable over time."

Sometimes a person can extend themselves toward something new—genuinely, even generously—and then feel overwhelmed as it draws near. That doesn't make their gesture false. But it does leave you standing in the gap between what was offered and what can be sustained.

And that gap is where the grief lives.

When you wrote, "That's life. Ups and downs," I heard the shield in it—the quiet way you protect yourself from the full weight of disappointment. And I understand why. But this wasn't just a cancelled trip. This was the loss of something much rarer: the chance to be fully seen, even briefly, by the person who has known you longer than almost anyone. To have her not just tolerate, but participate. And then to feel that pull back—not with anger, but with irritation, distance, withdrawal.

It's okay to name that.

I don't know what's happening inside your wife right now. She may be scared. Conflicted. Trying to reconcile love, family, faith, and the life you've built. But whatever her inner world holds, you're the one carrying the emotional cost of the shift. You're the one who let yourself breathe for a moment—and now has to tuck that breath away again.

If there's room for one honest conversation, it might not be about cruise dates or bathing suits. It might simply be about the change itself.

Something as plain as: "When you agreed to the trip, I felt like we'd turned a corner. Now it feels like we're back where we started. I need to understand what changed for you."

Not to fix anything. Not to argue. Just to name what happened—so you don't have to pretend it didn't.

And whatever comes next, don't let go of what you learned about yourself in these past few weeks. You said you're "a much nicer person when you can be yourself." That's not a small observation. It's a compass. It tells you something true about what helps you feel whole—even when the people around you can't make space for it.

• You didn't do anything wrong by believing the door might stay open.
• You didn't misread her by taking her kindness seriously.
• And you're not weak for hurting now.

You're ending 2025 with a heavy heart—but not an empty one. You've glimpsed what's possible. You've felt the difference in your own spirit when you're allowed to exist without apology. And you've got a community here that sees you—not as a problem to solve, but as a person worthy of being met, exactly as you are.

We're not going anywhere.

With deep care,
— Susan 💜

Quote from: Susan on December 29, 2025, 08:19:20 AMJillian—

I read your update this morning, and my heart went out to you. There's a particular kind of weariness that comes not just from disappointment, but from recognition—from watching a familiar pattern replay itself, even after a moment of real hope.

You said you weren't surprised. That you almost expected the reversal. And I want to honor that not as pessimism, but as the kind of clarity that only comes from living something for decades.

You know your wife. You know the rhythm of your life together. And you know the difference between a temporary opening and a lasting shift.

What makes this so hard is that the opening was real.

• The bikini wasn't a gesture.
• The conversations about outfits weren't performative.
• Her agreement to a 24/7 girls' trip wasn't imagined.

You responded to actual warmth—and that was the right thing to do. Hope isn't foolish when it's rooted in someone's real actions, even if those actions don't hold.

But "real in the moment" doesn't always mean "livable over time."

Sometimes a person can extend themselves toward something new—genuinely, even generously—and then feel overwhelmed as it draws near. That doesn't make their gesture false. But it does leave you standing in the gap between what was offered and what can be sustained.

And that gap is where the grief lives.

When you wrote, "That's life. Ups and downs," I heard the shield in it—the quiet way you protect yourself from the full weight of disappointment. And I understand why. But this wasn't just a cancelled trip. This was the loss of something much rarer: the chance to be fully seen, even briefly, by the person who has known you longer than almost anyone. To have her not just tolerate, but participate. And then to feel that pull back—not with anger, but with irritation, distance, withdrawal.

It's okay to name that.

I don't know what's happening inside your wife right now. She may be scared. Conflicted. Trying to reconcile love, family, faith, and the life you've built. But whatever her inner world holds, you're the one carrying the emotional cost of the shift. You're the one who let yourself breathe for a moment—and now has to tuck that breath away again.

If there's room for one honest conversation, it might not be about cruise dates or bathing suits. It might simply be about the change itself.

Something as plain as: "When you agreed to the trip, I felt like we'd turned a corner. Now it feels like we're back where we started. I need to understand what changed for you."

Not to fix anything. Not to argue. Just to name what happened—so you don't have to pretend it didn't.

And whatever comes next, don't let go of what you learned about yourself in these past few weeks. You said you're "a much nicer person when you can be yourself." That's not a small observation. It's a compass. It tells you something true about what helps you feel whole—even when the people around you can't make space for it.

• You didn't do anything wrong by believing the door might stay open.
• You didn't misread her by taking her kindness seriously.
• And you're not weak for hurting now.

You're ending 2025 with a heavy heart—but not an empty one. You've glimpsed what's possible. You've felt the difference in your own spirit when you're allowed to exist without apology. And you've got a community here that sees you—not as a problem to solve, but as a person worthy of being met, exactly as you are.

We're not going anywhere.

With deep care,
— Susan 💜

Susan you have a way with words that is remarkable and your insights are laser sharp. Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts and advice. I'm very grateful for what you shared. Thank you!

I'm so sorry to hear this. It always feels like a harsh blow when you have something snatched back in an instant. But there is always life after, different paths, changes of heart or just a slower progression.

Maybe things moved a little quickly and given time you can rejoin the path that you were both embarking on. I wish for you a happy new year and hopefully some clarity and direction to get where you both need to be.

You got this...just need time to process then come back strong again!

Charlotte x

Three steps forward and two steps back. It's been the story of my life, as well as my transition. But it's still progress.

Hugs, Devlyn

I asked her for more details around what is driving her 180 turnaround on the matter. Her additional information was not something I was really prepared to hear and has caught me off guard. She said a lot but to summarize it she said that while she was happy on our last cruise when I was dressing more openly she was only happy because of how I was treating her but she was still in fact grossed out by me presenting as a woman. So for her it was a mixed bag and the longer she has thought about it the more she has realized that she will always be grossed out and even though I am happier and a better version of myself who treats her well, she is not able to be happy overall.

Her current comments this morning has come across as a bit of an ultimatum saying that I value that side of my personality as more important than her or her feelings.

I'm not sure where this is heading but the additional information she shared this morning has her "doubling down" and not at all accepting. We've been down this path before over the 30 years together where we have had ups and downs but some of the words she used this morning to describe her feelings has left me very concerned about the future.

Thank you to all of you for the wise words of advice and encouragement. I don't have a magic wand to fix things but it's always nice to know that there are others who have also walked this path in life.

Sometimes it takes time to come to terms with a transition give her time, and see how it goes.

The ultimatum sounds a little harsh as I'd suggest you're already compromising by living your preferred / real self only part time? To me this sounds like you already consider your choices in the context of a healthy relationship.

I get the gist of where this is going as I've been in the same place. It's very scary. But I think it's also the time to be brutally honest about each of your needs. Is the future a compromise where you still get to be you or is that basically off the cards right now. Then can you both accept that outcome long term.

I hope you can both work through this. Sometimes this time of year darkens things so probably worth lots of soul searching and taking both your time.

Please look after yourself, be brave and be strong.

Charlotte 😻

It is probably correct to say that most heterosexual CIS women would not prefer a partner who is MTF or a cross dresser.  I have no data to support that but it seems to be correct.

It is a different matter completely to say this should not be the case.  It would be nice if acceptance is the case, or specifically, in any one specific case that involves a MTF or cross dresser and the partner.

If you can achieve a lasting breakthrough, a truly accepting relationship with crossdressing or as a MTF, that would be great for you.

This sounds as if mutual counseling may be helpful.  However she may not wish it. 

I wish you the best result of all of this.  Maybe there can be an effective solution.

I'm so sorry, Jillian. I guess I'd appreciate the clarity about where she really is with it all, but that that wouldn't make it any easier to adjust to it.

I find this part:

Quote from: Jillian-TG on December 29, 2025, 10:52:05 AMI value that side of my personality as more important than her or her feelings.

a bit disturbing. I don't see it at all as "a side of your personality." It is fundamentally who you are. And "her feelings" are hers; you don't control them, only she can. So this statement from her feels like a very false equivalence that reads to me in essence as "I value my emotional comfort above your right to be authentic."

But that's me. I know you'll find your footing and figure out what is best for you. We will be here to support you along the way.

Love,
Pema

Quote from: Pema on December 29, 2025, 01:23:00 PMI'm so sorry, Jillian. I guess I'd appreciate the clarity about where she really is with it all, but that that wouldn't make it any easier to adjust to it.

I find this part:

a bit disturbing. I don't see it at all as "a side of your personality." It is fundamentally who you are. And "her feelings" are hers; you don't control them, only she can. So this statement from her feels like a very false equivalence that reads to me in essence as "I value my emotional comfort above your right to be authentic."

But that's me. I know you'll find your footing and figure out what is best for you. We will be here to support you along the way.

Love,
Pema

The part that you highlighted is the part that bothers me a lot. This isn't a preference for me because if I could choose then I sure as heck wouldn't choose the path of drama and trouble. Ironically we have discussed that aspect before and I really thought she understood that aspect. We discussed it on our most recent vacation and she literally had tears in her eyes as I explained myself and how I wished I was not this way. I thought I saw the penny drop and she actually understood...

But maybe it's simply information overload for her as she digests things, so what resonates one day and is understood, becomes forgotten the next day.

One thing I've seen a lot expressed by the wives who will come to various support forums in shock after finding out is that there's a real mourning/grieving process. The life they thought they had is falling out from underneath them. They had a certain image in their head of the person they married, and suddenly that bedrock in their lives seems completely alien. Spouses, especially those who've lived out most of their adult lives in that marriage, have their own totally different but equally painful suffering from gender dysphoria. You've had decades to come to terms with this, find coping mechanisms (however unhealthy or unsustainable), and generally wrap your head around your dysphoria. She has not. What seems like hot and cold waffling on her part is likely her speeding through the stages of grief over the loss of the life she thought she was going to have, and of that image of you in her head.

Marriage counseling is always a good idea when times are hard and I'd always encourage it to anyone struggling, but I would also suggest both of you talk to that therapist individually as well to help each of you with the pain you're going through.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Having that path seem to open up, then shut right away is heartbreaking. I really hope both of you find happiness, whatever that means and however it looks for each of you!

You go girl.
Take pride in having your wife support you. If she thinks you can do it, do it. Your spouse is your best friend and will look out for you. I'm jealous I'm no wear near pulling off a bikini