Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Happy New Year, everyone! I'm 20 years old, AMAB, and I have a bit of a complicated story. I was thinking about writing this to summarize my experiences with gender to wrap up the year.

I've spent the majority of my adolescence up until now with undiagnosed OCD. This year I have actively worked on it, and I can say happily that I've overcome it via acceptance-based therapy and mindfulness. Yay me!

Now, since I was a child (roughly around eight years old), I've had a subtle affinity towards femininity. I didn't quite have an outlet for it save for video game avatars. During my adolescence, I found myself inexplicitly expressing femininity in subtle ways. I grew out my hair, shaved my legs, and expressed myself completely feminine through video games. It was when I was seventeen years old that I found out about transgender experiences and HRT. I began to question my gender identity.

This is where things became complicated. For whatever reason, during this time, my symptoms of OCD began to increase in severity. This coincided with my questioning of gender identity. As such, I became extremely fixated on my gender identity. I was unknowingly under the assumption that if I "resolved" my gender, I would feel relief from the anxiety that comes from OCD.

Eventually, at nineteen years old, I received my diagnosis of OCD as well as an unrelated misdiagnosis. I didn't work on my OCD, as I thought I was well informed of its nature, instead addressing the misdiagnosis.

A month later, I began DIY HRT after planning for a year. The symptoms of OCD didn't allow me to consider another option, as I was dead set on HRT "curing" the anxiety caused by my gender identity. I would go on a monodose regimen of estradiol for about 4.5 months.

My experience this time was... odd. Most of this is largely in part because of OCD. I remember the positive being the physical changes. In particular, fat redistribution and skin softening. The odd parts were living socially as a woman.

I passed quite well during this time at work. Often up until the point I spoke, as I couldn't do voice training in my living situation. I recall being treated differently; I recall acting differently.

In retrospect, I didn't like the social aspects of transition as much as I thought I would've. I'm under the belief now that there are things I believe I like in theory that don't correlate well in practice. That was one such case.

I'm unsure if this was because of OCD or because of an innate incongruence. But I recall at one point being outside, looking at my reflection in a car window and feeling a sense of utter incongruence. The idea of transition after that point felt less and less appealing to me, eventually leading to my detransition.

The period thereafter was hard; in fact, it was probably one of the hardest things I've done. Whatever physical symptoms I felt during the detransition stage were amplified tenfold by OCD on a mental level. I spent nearly all of my waking hours during this time researching about every little symptom.

Eventually, I'd come to realize that OCD was the problem, which led to both my mental and physical recovery up until now. It was all very scary and very hard, but I always knew things would inevitably get better, and they did.

So where am I now in terms of gender identity?

I've found that when I strip all the fear and anxiety away, I find that I don't quite care too much about my gender identity. To be specific, I am now okay with ambiguity, and even more so, I find that I don't care for and even dislike labels. Gender identity isn't really something I think about often these days.

But if I had to label it, I'd say I'm certainly a guy, though I still have that affinity for femininity. I don't want to live as a woman. My thoughts of womanhood are often idealized, and I have lived experience to compare them to.

I will say, there are days now that are just so comfortable. I'm at my computer during the evening, playing a video game. I'm wearing comfortable clothing, not particularly feminine or masculine. Just loungewear. My hair is up in a ponytail, and my bangs keep getting in my eyes. My body hair is shaved. It's vaguely feminine, and I like that. It's enough for me, and I still feel male beneath it all.

The fear for me really is losing that, and that is largely why I feel motivated to post today. I know one day I'll get older, and I might not be as feminine as I'd like. Perhaps my hair will slowly begin to fall out as I masculinize with age. Despite it all, I still think about HRT sometimes. I often think about low dose without social transition, though I'm not sure if that's effective or safe. I like the idea of a middle ground. Having a body just feminine enough that I won't lose to time. It's not as if I am afraid of aging either. I just think it would feel sad to age in a way that makes me lose access to femininity forever. My hope (if the rules allow it) is that people more experienced than I in life could share some insight and perspective into my particular situation.

I'm finally at a good place, and now I'm just a bit worried I'll lose it one day.

I really do hope I followed the rules posted correctly and posted in the right place. This is, in fact, my first time ever using a forum or ever speaking about this topic with anyone; please let me know if I've accidentally broken a rule. I especially apologize if I have offended anyone, please know that was not my intent! Anywho, thank you for reading my post, and please have a happy New Year! :)

Hey there and welcome!

I can't fully comprehend your situation as I'm fully transitioning to female. However I do have appreciation of being somewhat agender. I honestly don't feel any particular gender- just myself. But I do have a strong sense of femininine identity and gender euphoria from pursuing my female identity.

It sounds from your description that you may be somewhat fluid or agender yourself but that's something you could explore in more detail to understand better. Maybe the difference between us is you don't have quite so strong euphoria to being female and no dysphoria from being male which I certainly experience.

What I find interesting is that you affirm with a high degree if confidence you don't want to lose your femininity later in life. You worry about this. My interpretation of this is that an element of femininity is important to you. If you lost this would you be dysphoric or just sad that something you like about yourself has gone? I think this is really important as it's sort of indicating dysphoria / discontent at being fully masculine.

So maybe gender incongruence is present but you only seek a non binary resolution to be who you want to be? Or something completely different. I suggest that you would benefit from expert therapy and some thinking time. Your feelings like all of ours are complex and unique. It sounds like you may be a way off fully appreciating what direction you need to persue.

Also I can say that age as a male can certainly diminish your feminine appearance. Not guaranteed but not unlikely either. But there is no pressure to make a decision and changing your gender identity throughout your life is perfectly fine. I changed a year back age 43 and was generally fine and happy before this. Some of us really can flex and evolve through our lifetimes. Others don't. Neither is right or wrong, but I think you could consider your feelings by picturing various scenarios over time and listening to your gut as to what you may feel as a result.

I'm sure others here will be able to help too and give a much more succinct answer than me. I just wanted to chip in due to me feeling essentially agender so appreciating maybe part of your experience.

Charlotte 😻

Thank you for trusting people with something this personal, especially as your first forum post. What comes through very clearly is not confusion or instability, but a young person who has done a remarkable amount of honest self-examination, survived something genuinely difficult, and emerged with far more self-awareness than most people twice your age.

First, it matters that you named OCD for what it was and learned how it shaped the intensity, urgency, and "this must be solved right now" feeling around gender. That insight alone puts you in a very different place than where you started.

Many people never untangle those threads; you did, and you did it through real work, not avoidance. That deserves to be acknowledged.

Second, nothing in what you wrote reads as contradictory or "wrong." Each person has their own experience of their sex and gender, and the goal for anyone should be reaching a place where they feel genuinely comfortable in their life. For me, that meant a full transition.

For someone else, it may look very different—much smaller, quieter, or less defined.

There is no single right destination, only the one that allows you to live with the most ease and integrity. Affinity for femininity does not require womanhood, and enjoying softness, presentation, grooming, or aesthetics does not obligate you to adopt a label, a role, or a trajectory.

What you describe now—comfort, ambiguity, a lack of fixation, and a sense of "this is enough"—is not avoidance or repression. It's integration. Following your own path matters more than matching anyone else's story.

Comfort, stability, and day-to-day peace are far better guides than fear, pressure, or idealized expectations. That quiet evening you described—the ponytail, the shaved body hair, the neutral clothes, the sense of being male without feeling boxed in—that's not a lesser version of anything.

That's you at ease.

For many people, that state says more than moments of longing, fear, or idealization ever could. Your concern about time and aging is also very human, and not uniquely a gender concern. Plenty of cis men grieve the loss of hair, softness, or youthful androgyny. Plenty of cis women grieve changes that move them away from how they once recognized themselves.

What you're naming isn't proof that you need to do something now—it's grief in advance, mixed with uncertainty, mixed with the understandable desire to preserve something you value about yourself.

It may also help to gently reframe one assumption you touched on: femininity is not something that simply disappears or is "lost forever" unless it's defined very narrowly. Expression evolves. Presentation adapts. Choice remains.

The idea that time will erase access to femininity is often louder than reality, especially when anxiety has had a strong voice in the past.

You're also allowed to hold thoughts like "I sometimes think about HRT" without those thoughts demanding action. Thinking is not committing. Curiosity is not obligation. Middle ground does not need to be resolved now—or ever.

You don't owe your future self a perfectly optimized plan for aging.

What stands out most is this: you're no longer trying to use gender to fix something else. You're not chasing relief, certainty, or escape. You're living. That's a very stable place to be, even if it doesn't feel dramatic or definitive.

It's okay to enjoy what you have now without turning it into a ticking clock. It's okay to trust that future-you will have the same thoughtfulness, restraint, and self-respect you're showing today.

It's perfectly fine that your relationship with your gender is quiet rather than declarative.

You didn't offend anyone. You didn't break any rules. You showed up honestly, and that's enough.

You're doing better than you think.
— Susan 💜

It sounds like you are actually in a better space than you might even realize. Life isn't binary and you don't have to choose a gender label. Perhaps you are gender fluid or perhaps something else. Doesn't matter. The good thing is that you have all the time in the world to figure yourself out. No rush.

You have identified that OCD was the bigger thing to address and you have that under control now. Your gender identity is likely to be a journey so be patient with yourself and enjoy the journey.

Hello Blueberry,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe space for you to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

I would like to echo the other replies and assure you that you have done nothing wrong, here or with your transition goals. I think a therapist with experience in gender identity and OCD can help you figure out answers to your questions.

When I was first diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, I didn't believe it, and I asked the psychologist if there was some test that I could take to verify that I am transgender. I said that when I start HRT, I should notice how I feel. Your brain and body know what hormones it should be getting. If everything feels good, then you are on the right path. But if anything feels wrong, that is a sign that this is not the right path.

I suspect that is what you experienced. You initially felt ok, but then realized that it was not right for you, and wisely, you backed off. It is important to understand that gender is not masculine or feminine. It is a spectrum that contains an infinite number of possibilities. You describe being content where you are, and that is the important sign to notice. There is no requirement to acquire the perfect feminine body or else go back to a full masculine body. It is not an either-or situation.

By working with a therapist, you can more clearly identify where you are most comfortable. By working with a healthcare provider, you can plan to protect what you want to keep while avoiding side effects. DIY is never recommended due to various risks. By going the medical route, your hormone levels can be monitored and adjusted with high-quality and effective treatments. Your healthcare provider can also advise you about unwanted side effects. For example, taking a testosterone blocker to protect from hair loss can affect other things, such as libido and sexual function, that you may want to keep. There are medications available to help you preserve both. Fortunately, you do not need to figure out all of this now. You are young and have plenty of time to get the information you need and form a plan for down the road.

Now for the guided tour. This website is huge, as you may have noticed. It is full of information from real people describing their lived experiences. You can learn a lot from their stories. Although most of the information is geared toward transgender resources, we have many members who are non-binary, intersex, cross-dressers, and cisgender people who support the LGBTQ+ community. Feel free to browse and add your comments and experiences too. We all learn from each other.

When you click on the HOME button, you will see a page listing all of the various sub-forums by category and topic. Each sub-forum has a description of what that forum is about, as well as any guidelines for posting. There is also a search box in the top-right corner.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL-AGES  PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets. Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

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Once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee
Forum Staff

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@blueberry pastry 
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

Hi Blueberry,

I very much relate to a good part of your story. I'm on a low dose regiment. I felt that was my best option for me. I'm still presenting as male. Being on a low dose regiment has given me the subtle feminine characteristics I was seeking.

Alana

Hi, Blueberry Pastry! Welcome and thank you for that great post. Honestly, that was an amazing introduction.

As a 62-year-old, I'm going to tell you that you're doing amazingly well for a 20-year-old, especially having worked out and overcome OCD. That alone shows your commitment to understanding yourself and confronting your unique challenges. Being able to tune into what you're feeling, to understand what its causes are, find a way to get beyond it, and then *do* it is just and incredibly valuable combination of skills - and something that many people never acquire. To my mind, you're ahead of the game.

You said this:

Quote from: blueberry pastry on Yesterday at 05:22:12 AMI find that I don't quite care too much about my gender identity. To be specific, I am now okay with ambiguity, and even more so, I find that I don't care for and even dislike labels. Gender identity isn't really something I think about often these days.

I can't imagine a better place to be. You're saying not only that you're comfortable with where you are but you're comfortable being different from the majority of people. Again, that's not a level of self-awareness and self-acceptance that everyone reaches.

You also said:

Quote from: blueberry pastry on Yesterday at 05:22:12 AMI'm finally at a good place, and now I'm just a bit worried I'll lose it one day.

To this, I'd just say that there are never any guarantees about the future. We can't predict most of what will happen - including how we'll feel. I think the best strategy for "preparing" for the future is to try to see as clearly as we can where we are and how we feel Now and do what is in our power to make Now the best it can be. The reality is that the past and the future don't exist. There is only Now. If we focus on creating our best Now, those will stack up to make "the future" better. But more importantly, doing that will hone our craft of being present in the moment and doing what is best for ourselves and others. As I said above, you seem to me to be very much on that course already.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I hope you'll share more in the future coming Nows.

Love,
Pema

Congratulations on getting OCD under control.

Marion

Hi Blueberry

My name is Sarah and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

Thank you for trusting us with your story.  It takes courage to speak so openly and honestly and that really comes through in what you shared.

It is good to hear that you feel you have your gender worked out and that you are in a more settled place with yourself now.  It also sounds positive that you have stopped do it yourself HRT.  If you ever decide to revisit living as a woman in the future it would be far safer and more supportive to do so with proper medical care rather than on your own.

Given how much OCD has affected you it could also be very helpful to continue working with a therapist who understands both OCD and gender related concerns so you have steady support as you move forward.

Please know that you are not alone here.  People are listening to you and taking what you have said seriously.  You are very welcome and we are glad you chose to share.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.   I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members.

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Please keep in mind when posting that this is an ALL AGES PUBLIC Forum and the internet never forgets.   Do not post anything that you do not want to be made public.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Devlyn  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah  @Northern Star Girl  @Lori Dee
@blueberry pastry

Welcome Blueberry--

And Happy New Year. You are so right: ambiguity rocks!

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all of your wonderful replies! When I decided to post my introduction last night, I wasn't sure if anyone would reply. Waking up to this has certainly set a good tone for this year! :)

I will say that discussing this online (and in general) is certainly a new experience, and I'm so happy everyone is so wonderful. I've read the replies from the site staff and I'll certainly be exploring and reading some more!

My participation in the forum will likely be a bit spotty. You can imagine me as sort of a groundhog that pops out of the ground once in a while. That's me! :p

In any case, thank you all once again for your replies and advice. I've read and reread them all! Happy New Year, everyone!

Thank you for your reply, Charlotte!
Indeed, I have thought a lot about whether or not dysphoria or euphoria plays a significant role in my feelings of gender.

I've found that, as you mentioned, I don't quite have dysphoria about being physically and socially male. I believe with regard to my draw to femininity, gender envy as opposed to gender dysphoria is more of a stronger driver. If I see a feminine leaning person who has certain traits, I am more likely to desire to embody those traits rather than dislike my own.

As for whether or not I'd feel dysphoric or sad if I lost access to femininity, it's a bit complicated. My main points of reference here are my prior detransition and my current receding hairline. There are times when I reflect on the changes HRT gave me. I recall how fat redistribution changed my figure, and I often feel a vague sense of "I really wish I could have that again." Then there is my hairline that is very slowly receding. I do feel quite sad when I see how my hair is changing, hence my affinity for bangs.

The thing is that neither of these things are persistent thoughts or worries for me nowadays. I can surely get through the day, if not weeks, of not really having it be a worry. But should I actively think about it, then it can certainly make me feel upset. As for whether or not this specifically implies dysphoria, I'm honestly unsure.

I also appreciate your advice on pressure and decisions. In my subjective experience of the younger transgender community, there is a bit of messaging of transitioning as soon as possible. I know it comes from good intentions, but it can result in a bit of rushed decision-making, at least in my particular OCD-laden case. I certainly take a more reflective and observant approach nowadays. Gender identity has thankfully become just one ornament of my life rather than a centerpiece.

Regardless, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences with me, Charlotte! I will certainly consider seeking out professional help on this matter, like you and others have suggested!

@Charlotte_Ringwood

Thank you so much, Pema, for your reply!

Yes, in my experience of OCD, it has a tendency to tear you out of the present at any given time. I recall being unable to be present with family, friends, and even in the quiet space of my own room, all because of anxiety. I feel like I've had to learn the importance of presence and mindfulness much earlier on. It was difficult to achieve, but I am sure now it will pay dividends down the line.

I really appreciate the way you framed presence and the future as well. I believe when it comes to my relationship with femininity and gender identity, it will probably be a case of wait and see. I think that perhaps it will evolve with time, and I think future me will find a way to be at peace with it. I don't quite consider it to be completely negative in a sense now; I suppose it's just bittersweet.

As for my age and progress with OCD, I truly do believe I am merely just a product of a time where information regarding mental health happens to be more available. I never quite had a therapist to help me with OCD. Just internet access, decent judgment, and a burning desire to rid myself of it.

I think OCD by nature kind of forces you to become a reflective person. It was through that very reflection that I learned how to accept myself for who I am without shame. It has led to a degree of comfort in myself that I have not felt since I was a child.

In any case, thank you again, Pema, for your uplifting words! I'll certainly be thinking about your thoughts on presence in the future! For now though, I'll just focus on the Now. :)

@Pema

Quote from: blueberry pastry on Yesterday at 05:53:20 PMGender identity has thankfully become just one ornament of my life rather than a centerpiece.

This is the way.

We are not our gender. We are people with gender, the same as every other human. It is just one more facet, like eye color or shoe size. The problem we face is that attacks on our community draw attention to our gender more than anything else. No one is banning blondes from bathrooms or preventing people with large feet from playing sports.

Your attitude, quoted above, is the way forward. I am proud of you for realizing that.

Blueberry,

I hung off posting until smarter, more expierced people than me commented.

You are more mature and self aware than I am than at 3 times your age. You are lucky you at a time that you can work out who,what and what to be what you are.

Gender, sexuality and presentation are only some parts of who you are. What are your interests and what sorts of employment do you want.

I am the empitompe of somebody with feet of clay who refused to make decisions.

I am amab, had female feelings from 5 to 30 and decided that I was to decayed to allow my female side to appear anymore.

I destroyed any choice by not looking after my skin, my hair, my body or anything about myself.

Make sure you wear sunscreen and have a beauty regime. If you don't....

Don't think about what your future will be but just don't eliminate options through stupidity.

I can't say how much I'd really like to be something in the middle at my age, but
I pretty much destroyed that.

I hope you keep posting here because we all love by learning from others experience.

PS. They one thing all people my age wish for is all those years of being young again.

Petunia, thank you. You've added some very sound suggestions.

I do want to provide a little bit of contrast to some things you said.

I'll be 62 next month, and I genuinely have no desire to be young again. I really can't think of a reason why I'd want to. I am so content being who I am where I am and eager to experience each day as it comes.

I also don't think it's too late to take steps toward being who we want to be. It's true that there are things we can never be - that has always been the case - but it doesn't mean that we don't still have options for forward progress. And if we take those steps, we're bound to see new options.

For myself, I don't see that this ever ends. I expect that I'll always have opportunities to improve myself, and I hope to remain invested enough in living life fully that I'll be willing to explore them.

I truly believe that my mission here on Earth is to discover and express my most authentic self as fully as I'm able. Trying to be like anyone else - including who I used to be - is antithetical to that goal (for me), so I don't have concerns that I won't be able to achieve a standard result. Even as I age, I should still have pathways to being a better me at that age.

And I believe that's true for everyone. So I hope you won't give up on yourself. Today is always filled with possibilities.

Love,
Pema

Lots of valuable insight has been shared here, so I hesitate to post, knowing I can't really do better than the kind folks have here, but I'll share some basic thoughts that I've been working through:

I always dreamed of being a woman...like since before I was your age and I just turned 60! I only did something about it 4 years ago. I came out to myself and my partner and I started HRT. The goal wasn't a public-facing transition; I just wanted a body that more closely aligned with my sense of self and my dreams of what I wanted to be. I still lived life as a "dude" and I do to this day, for the most part. But there have been some changes...

My body has changed enough that I can't get through the warm months without a lot of work with concealing clothing. I can't ever go to a beach or pool as a "guy." I can't change my clothes in the presence of anyone I don't trust. Can go for healthcare without explaining my situation. I can't ever date another woman without first explaining that I'm not at all like other guys.

My body was very responsive to estradiol and it turns out that for many, even a small dose will result in breast development over a period of time. That was ok for me; I didn't want to continue without fulfilling my dream. But if I was 20, I'd be thinking "can I apply for that job? I need to know what they'd expect me to wear and if it was doable." or "how can I explain my unwillingness to go to the pool party in a way that won't make me seem aloof?"

On the other hand, if I'd been able to do at age 20 what I'm doing now, I'd be blessed with a more feminine shape, especially my face. And I would have had the benefit of living my truth for all those years rather than keeping it locked inside me.

I currently identity as gender fluid. I'm still a "regular guy" to many, but I'm not a man. I'm feminine, but I'm not a woman. I'm both and I'm neither and that might change in the future.

I think the most important thing is to discover your truth and pursue it the best you can. But please do be mindful of the potential consequences of HRT. Oh, and the potential hazards of DIY HRT without regular blood tests is not advisable. Having said that, estradiol is wonderful. There have been many small and big changes and I love them all.

Quote from: Courtney G on Today at 04:33:59 PMI'm both and I'm neither

I also live in the genderfluid zone and, for the most part, I'm comfortable.

The 5-word quote sums up my experience of gender so succinctly.