Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Having had an emotionally rocky festive break with a lot of soul searching, I feel tentatively ready to share my experiences, life and feelings a bit more. Unfortunately these periods of intense emotional instability are not uncommon, and I've been experiencing them since I was 15 or so years old. Sometimes I can go months without any major emotional breakdowns yet some years are almost entirely on the edge. Because of this I struggle to maintain consistency or any kind of interpersonal relationships; I end up disconnecting for long periods should my mind go that way out. Not to mention social stuff can seriously overwhelm my mind and take days of recovery to process, lamenting over every detail of every exchange.

On a positive note I'm getting private therapy to try and work through my long term troubles. Unfortunately any psychiatric help from the NHS is non existent and their talking therapies are far too general. I gain little from the mere 6 sessions I'm entitled to! Where I'm going there are options for therapists with particular specialisms and interests that I can match up with. This is a major benefit.

For years I've suspected that I have Borderline personality disorder. It keeps coming up. Everytime I explore, the experiences and feelings associated with it fit me like a glove. I could go for a private diagnosis, but I have decided instead that I will work with a therapist that has experience with this. Hopefully they will help me to understand myself better and develop some coping strategies. In 2026 I really need to make steps to fix 30 years of rollercoaster emotions!

As for my transition, this year should continue my journey towards the woman I desire to be. On March 9th I will have facial feminization surgery including Type 3 brow bone reduction (scary!!), eyebrow temporal lift, upper blepharoplasty and rhinoplasty. I think these will have a nice impact on my femininity. It will be my first ever surgery and experience of general anaesthesia! My partner will accompany me so I'm in safe hands there at least. I'm tentatively exploring bottom surgery in Thailand too, although this would be in the next couple of years. However early planning is advantageous- I can start hair removal maybe.

Also looking forward in the next 2 weeks to getting my eyebrows microbladed and my hair done a cute red colour. My story will take time, but I feel each little step adds something very special and makes the whole so much more than the sum of it's parts.

Today was my first day back at work after the break. Very few people were in so I managed to get a good few bits sorted. I've finally tested an emergency  lighting driver circuit I've been developing. It can now go out into projects this year so that's a good start to 2026.

Anyway if you've read this far I really appreciate your time and interest in what I'm upto 😊

Love Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, thank you for sharing these reflections.

It seems to me that you're doing a fantastic job of identifying your challenges, finding ways to address them, focusing on your strengths and what you *can* do, and taking concrete steps toward self-improvement. I know that doesn't guarantee feeling the way you want all the time (nothing does!), but I think it's the surest way to get closer to where you want to be. And it's hard work. It's "easier" to stay in the familiar discomfort and complain, but that's not the choice you've made.

All of your efforts to better yourself - and thereby the world around you - inspire me and others. That you share them here with the world, including and maybe especially your uncertainties and your struggles, is a gift to humanity. I mean that sincerely.

As Ashley says, "Onward, brave sister!"

Thank you for your kind words Pema. These words of encouragement and the stories of others I'm seeing around here have all contributed way more than a small part in helping me push forwards.

C 😻

Charlotte, welcome to the Members' Blogs!

Thanks for starting a journal of your journey and sharing it with all of us. This is your home at Susan's Place, where we can catch up with how things are going for you and provide you with a place to document the ups and downs. Years from now, you can come back here and read what you wrote and realize how far you have come.

It s sounds like you have solid plans for moving forward, and I applaud your courage and motivation to keep moving. That will pay off for you down the road.

Congrats!

@Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte:
I am so glad to see that just TODAY you had started your very own Blog Thread
here on the Forum.

Your Blog will become your Journal here on the Forum where you can share your
thoughts and comments regarding your life journey with your readers and followers,
and with other like-minded members. 

In addition to my own Forum Blog Thread, I keep a more private "old school" pen and paper
journal/diary at my home that includes snap shots, hand drawn doodling, and notes and
cards from my dear friends.

On cold, snowy nights, of which there are many here in Alaska where I live, I can be
found in my favorite chair in front of my fireplace reading over past entries, sometimes
with tears in my eyes, and sometimes with laughter.

When you share good news and successes, your followers and readers (me included) will rejoice
with you... and when you report "not-so-good" news we will give your our ears to listen and
our shoulders for you to lean on.

Your BLOG Thread here becomes your HOME here on the FORUM where members here
can easily find you and exchange comments and thoughts with you.

I will continue to follow your updates, postings and reply comments not only here on your
new Blog Thread but also all around the various Topics and Threads available on the Forum.

My best wishes to you for your success and happiness as you continue on in your journey.

Warmly,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator      Direct Email address:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Charlotte!

Welcome to your blog dear sister and congrats on your upcoming procedure!... I had the type 3 re-contouring amongst my procedures... Worry not girl! All shall be well 🙏💕👩👍... I am looking forward to seeing your life, and your blog, blossom before our eyes!

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Welcome to the basement (my joke as we are at the bottom of the page) , its good to have a place to empty your brain .I just stick whatever is mulling through my brain cell ,I think its like telling your best friend stuff. 

I've been doing some thinking today and questioning whether my desire to fully pass as female is more down to safety / acceptance than my own reasons. I was clear from the start I wanted to persue femininity as this makes me feel alive but also the best version of myself. My current progress and track still fully supports this. However at the earliest stages the backdrop was of an agender / fluid perspective.

Being originally a gay male I have a long and close connection with the overall concept of queerness. Coming from this to being trans and pansexual I still feel this to be a a part of my identity. Now if you asked if I wanted to be a cis women, I'd answer no...very different to many transfemme people I would guess? I feel that ultimately being queer so to speak is me and is a desired part of my identity. I strongly desire femininity but only in a transgender form.

So back to the start. I think I'd be happy to present mostly passing as female but still having something that shows of my male past...that I am trans...that I am queer. Does that sound odd when many want to hide this? I think my desire to fully pass is that I will struggle much more being 75% presenting female than nearer 100%. I find a distinct beauty in people that present a non binary look or sit on the very edges of gender. Part of me wants to retain that in myself. But can I safely do this? Or maybe I choose how and when I do this.

I think I want to retain my womanhood with she/her pronouns. But with the opportunity to flex around my appearance and sometimes show the full unapologetic roots of my queer identity.

Charlotte 😻

Makes perfect sense to me, Charlotte!
I've only been in one intimate relationship with a male and often joked that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. As much as I yearn for a feminine appearance and psyche, I still identify as genderfluid.

Charlotte, I don't think it's odd at all. Unusual? Sure, statistically speaking.

What I personally love about what you're saying is that you want to be the person you feel yourself to be and not conform to other people's standards. And you'd still like to blend enough to be safe. I don't think those are unreasonable desires and, in fact, I think they reflect a self-assurance that I wish everyone had.

I like to hope that as more of us calmly step out into the world and be ourselves - like everyone else in most ways, but like nobody else in a few - it will become commonplace, and bigotry and xenophobia will become increasingly considered pathological and shunned.

I can't say that I consider being queer an essential part of my identity, but it's also not one that I'm ashamed to claim. I am who I am, and I feel no compulsion to hide it or apologize for it. You shouldn't either. You are beautiful as you are, and the world is improved by your full self-expression.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 04, 2026, 04:21:10 PMI think I'd be happy to present mostly passing as female but still having something that shows of my male past...that I am trans...that I am queer. Does that sound odd when many want to hide this?

I think what you are describing is not dysphoria, but alignment. Many of us want to hide parts of ourselves because they represent something that we see as wrong. But what you are describing tells me that you understand yourself quite well. You have looked inside, and you clearly see who you are. You are only trying to figure out how best to express it.

You are correct that remaining in the "uncanny alley" can be dangerous. But that would motivate me to live somewhere more accepting. As for expression, remember that gender is a spectrum, with an infinite number of possibilities. So, expression also has an infinite number of possibilities.

Look at it from all angles. Not just masculine --> feminine. You could also look more like feminine --> masculine. There are many women who wear hairstyles and colors to signal their gender. Some men wear makeup and women's clothes while sporting a beard or moustache. It isn't a matter of right or wrong; it is about how you feel about your look, getting close to that, then tweaking your style so it is exactly right.

You are going about this the right way. You are looking carefully at what you want to express. Just keep experimenting until you find the right fit.

I thought I would never pass but to my surprize I do unless I am in my working on the hot rod gear, just my voice lets me down sometimes. I am happy on my own but if it happens who/what ever they are it happens ,not that I am looking at 70 years old!

Well my region is covered in snow which made my journey to work more interesting! After sliding out on a corner of my road last year and hitting a parked vehicle, I'm now fearful of any speed on my snow covered street. That episode increased my insurance by over £200 this year. It would have been more if hadn't have fixed my own car myself.This morning was -5C but didn't feel so cold. It's not stopped my kitty going out to play and leave her paw prints in the snow!

Most people were back at work and we have solid plans to improve operations and reliability. Hopefully this means I won't have so many panic attacks this year, unlike last years constant negativity and pressure.

In other news I'm getting close to agreeing SRS surgery in early 2027. Assuming the final quotation is suitable, I plan to book this ASAP. I only need minimal depth so can go with the simpler inversion procedure. That's a major benefit in terms or cost and recovery.

Well I think it's time to feed my 3 kitties then goto bed as it's 23.12 here and I'm at work tomorrow!

Charlotte 😻

    @Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte:

I am so very happy to read the exciting news of your SRS plans early next year.
That will obviously be one of the major steps in your transition life plans.

When you finally get the procedure booked that will give you and your readers
and avid followers (me included) a good reason to rejoice as the final date
approaches month by month and day by day.

Thank you for sharing and posting.  Please keep us all updated as you feel
comfortable doing.
    ❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Apart from this mornings snowy weather and a slow journey to work, I've had quite a good day. I took my long boots with the big heels to work to wear. As the office has long carpeted areas,  it was a good place to get used to them! Initially I was landing too much on the heels, so was trying to land more on the toes which felt much better.

I wore them with my beautiful brown plaid pinafore dress and the Hello kitty necklace my colleague gave me. Our director said she thought I looked really smart and everyone loved the boots! It's one of my favorite outfits.

I've decided firmly to go ahead with SRS in late January 2027! I'm going to do things while I'm at my peak stage of earning money and before everything gets so expensive that I'm poor again! There may come a time later that I can't. Everything is so unstable.

Well I've just had a nice shower and got clean. I'm currently losing a battle with recurring deep sores on my buttocks. Seems like they improve then loads more occur. They last months and leave big purple scars. Honestly it looks like a war zone there with probably 20 big scars and more than 10 sores. I think I'll need to see the doctor as have tried multiple things myself. It's very disappointing to see all my skin around there in such a sorry state.

Well usual mix of good and bad stuff. I'll keep pushing forwards!

Charlotte 😻

The sores sound miserable, Charlotte! I hope you find permanent relief soon. But the whole SRS thing sounds amazing!

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 06, 2026, 03:10:39 PMThe sores sound miserable, Charlotte! I hope you find permanent relief soon. But the whole SRS thing sounds amazing!

Thank you and me too! I'd like to wear my cute swimsuits out one day, but some of them would deffo be visible. Sure it'll get sorted sometime.

I've been getting used to wearing my boots with the heels at work. Now feels much more natural and gives me a more feminine walking style. Once again our female director complimented my outfit, this time saying it really makes her want to dress more feminine and smart herself! So happy I've got this look working. It's simple but I still love it.

Had a skin test today for my hair colouring in Saturday. I'm looking forward to being a red head that's for sure. I only just made my appointment though due to the heavy rain here and as such a lot of slow traffic.

I've also just signed my first song as Charlotte Ringwood to a house label. It's going on a compilation out at the end of January so happy about that! I need to make so more but I can't quite decide what I want to do.

(https://i.postimg.cc/zXdcXS4g/20260108-155425-2.jpg)

Congratulations on the song and your boots are amazing! Personally, I think red is your color.

That outfit is SO cute! The boots definitely go well with it.

Congrats on the label as CHARLOTTE!

That is awesome news.

Was a bit scary getting out of my street this morning in the car. The snow around me was pretty deep, over 20cm for sure. Luckily although not winter tyres, I did get new decent ones put on the front over the Christmas break. This paid off as I had decent enough traction to get onto the clear main road. Lots of snow to clear off the car wearing my big wooly jumper and leggings 🙂

Deposit now paid for SRS so just got to gather the funds before late Jan 2027. My FFS will be well healed by then so will be more than ready.

Glad to have made it through my first week back at work. I actually enjoy the job when it's not stressful e.g. spend my week designing, coding and testing electronic kit.

Charlotte 😻

Sounds like everything is moving according to plan. That is wonderful news!

Drive safely, Charlotte! In Montana, we use studded tires from October through April, and sometimes wish we had them on in May.

I now have beautifully red hair 😻


(https://i.postimg.cc/8kYcBNBh/image.jpg)

So happy

Nice! That color works for you.

Absolutely gorgeous, Charlotte! I love it.

I am so jealous, Charlotte!!  The color looks great.

I am so tired of wigs.  I wish I had time to do a transplant, maybe when I retire.

Also, I am so glad that your are progress so well on your plans.

Excellent!

Thanks for the kind words. Each little thing I feel takes me closer to the woman I am inside.

Emma, I hope if you decide to, you can get a transplant and have some similar experiments and joy with your hair!

I only just got on HRT soon enough before losing too much on my crown. Also luckily started finasteride a year before. As it stands minoxidil is bringing back some thickness, but was touch and go really!

Another day written off with severe headache due to sinus issues. Seemingly a weekly occurrence this winter. I think mostly due to all the illnesses everyone at work have been bringing in since last year. Six aspirin have taken the edge off, but still just hurts everytime I move.

The sooner this winter and all the infections from work are over, the better.

I so hope winter ends soon! Sinus headaches are miserable. Hot tea with lemon and honey...Wait, your British, you probably know much more about tea than I do. Take care.

Charlotte, I think you mentioned it a while back, but have you tried using a neti pot to do a sinus rinse? I used to have exactly what you're describing every winter - sometimes resulting in sinus infections requiring antibiotics. I bought a lovely ceramic neti pot and began by using the prepared packets of saline powder (really just table salt and baking soda) but eventually started making my own.

The process takes some getting used to, but it really does work for me. It's one of the first things I do every morning (year-round). This time of year, I'll still feel a slight pressure in my sinuses, but I haven't had the headaches or an infection for decades now. I can't recommend it strongly enough.

Quote from: Pema on January 11, 2026, 11:32:56 AMCharlotte, I think you mentioned it a while back, but have you tried using a neti pot to do a sinus rinse?

Hey Pema, I've started on the back of the previous advice using a prepackaged saline rinse which is helping keep things a bit clearer, but need to see I it improves after a week or two more. If no joy I will try the neti pot method. I'm not sure if one or other has an advantage.

I think the cold air is not helpful as seems to make it worse. Today I'm struggling to get the house warm and my nose feels pretty cold as a result.

Thanks for your help and advice 😊

Oh, good. I hope you'll see improvement from what you're doing. My experience has been that the key is really getting the stuff way up in there to clean things out well. I literally do it with my head tipped down into the basin. After the inflow, I'll plug one nostril and gently blow through the other, switch sides. I repeat that whole cycle at least 4 times if not 8. Oh, and I switch sides when I'm pouring the solution in, too.

It takes some practice to get it as far up/in there as possible, but that really is what is required. Without getting too graphic here, I get visible results as I'm doing it, and their volume correlates with how clear things feel afterward vs. before.

Cold air is probably the biggest factor for me, too. We sleep outside, and nighttime temperatures are now just above freezing.

I've been doing the neti pot since 2004, and the only times I've had even moderately bad sinus symptoms since then has been when I got complacent and stopped using it. As soon as I resumed, they'd clear up again.

Thank you Pema. That sounds like a very comprehensive routine and so glad to hear it improved things for you. I'll have a look for a pot and give it a try incase it works a bit better. I'd love to get it sorted as it's also stopping me being able to control my voice. The congestion causes my voice to be very crackly. On the phone people have asked if I've got a cold even when I didn't and felt well!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 11, 2026, 03:22:43 PMThank you Pema. That sounds like a very comprehensive routine and so glad to hear it improved things for you. I'll have a look for a pot and give it a try incase it works a bit better. I'd love to get it sorted as it's also stopping me being able to control my voice. The congestion causes my voice to be very crackly. On the phone people have asked if I've got a cold even when I didn't and felt well!

I have seen an electric version that doesn't require twisting your neck. It has two ports (one for each nostril) and a pump circulates the solution in one side and out the other. I have not tried one, so I can't say how it works, but it is an interesting option. Especially because I have fused vertebrae in my neck.

Eyebrows microbladed now. I love the look and the process was completely comfortable. I went natural as I'm getting FFS including temporal brow lift in March. This will exaggerate them and also my surgeon will know my natural form whilst working it all out.

(https://i.postimg.cc/G9nRw1bt/20260112-120656.jpg)

@Charlotte_Ringwood
 Thank you for sharing your success with your eyebrows.

  Very nicely done and a feminine appearance.

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 12, 2026, 06:40:56 AMEyebrows microbladed now. I love the look and the process was completely comfortable. I went natural as I'm getting FFS including temporal brow lift in March. This will exaggerate them and also my surgeon will know my natural form whilst working it all out.

(https://i.postimg.cc/G9nRw1bt/20260112-120656.jpg)

I've just joined my local running club this evening although had to take it essy on account of fresh bladed eyebrows! Everyone was very welcoming and friendly.


I joined as I don't really have friends so it's a bit of social interaction and it might help with my depression. Maybe 10 years back I could run 5km in 27 minutes. Would be nice to get back there again too.

Finally helpful to be fitter for all this surgery!

Charlotte 😻

Had a very tough morning this morning. Woke up getting ready for work and felt like I don't want to be here anymore. I think the problem is that in reality, I feel that way deep down all of the time. Just some days I do a better job of masking my feelings and pretending I'm ok! Honestly if I didn't have a boyfriend who relies on me I really doubt I'd still be here as things stand. I keep wishing for major complications through surgery and that i don't make it.

My appointment for therapy can't come soon enough tomorrow, although it's only an intro session. I'll need to sort a therapist I want after this. Hopefully they can make sense of this as I can't. There is nothing major wrong in my life at all. Nothing right now is bothering me. Stress is really low. Yet all I feel is emptiness and disinterest in life. Just really tired like my whole body is wrapped in heavy bags pulling my body and heart into the ground. It's my mind that's betraying me, my whole reward and attachment system seems very broken.

I'm a little better now in that I'm  not feeling completely broken, but still struggling to understand the point of everything. Logically none of it makes any sense to me.

Some nice food will help a little I'm sure. My boyfriend is making Mexican wraps of some kind! He's good at those.

Charlotte 😻

There's nothing like spicy food to cure the blues! Your boyfriend sounds like the cat's meow. Charlotte, I've had down days but it sounds like you're scraping bottom. I won't give advice, but I will send hugs! Love you, girl.

Hang in there, Charlotte. It's a good sign that you're aware that there's no "good reason" for your feeling the way you do. It says that there's something else amiss, and I'm hopeful that a therapist will help you discover what it is and how to resolve it.

You know we'll be here to listen and care in the meanwhile.

Have you noticed if these episodes coincide with when you take your hormone dose? I would get that too, and the reason turned out to be that my hormones were fluctuating too quickly. I switched from oral to patches to smooth things out, but I had the same issues. But instead of every day or so, it would happen twice a week. Now that I am on injectables, that is all but gone now.

Thanks so much for the kindness. These kind words do make me smile a little and imagine that everybody here is close by me even if so far in distance. That little warmth I feel from everyone is some comfort in the cold. I hope one day I can offer as much warm back and be less of a car crash!

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 13, 2026, 02:50:25 PMHave you noticed if these episodes coincide with when you take your hormone dose? I would get that too, and the reason turned out to be that my hormones were fluctuating too quickly. I switched from oral to patches to smooth things out, but I had the same issues. But instead of every day or so, it would happen twice a week. Now that I am on injectables, that is all but gone now.

To be honest they come out of the blue from nowhere. This was first in a morning first thing for a while. It's not new since HRT either...really long term over decades. It's possible HRT has increased my sensitivity to it? I'm not to sure. I take 4mg in the morning then 2mg evening oral. Injecting is totally not workable for a needlephobe like me though! I'm going to look at spray and moving to monotherapy sometime soon. I can't be on CPA long term although after GRS that's all sorted!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 13, 2026, 02:51:11 PMI hope one day I can offer as much warm back and be less of a car crash!

I think you've been giving at least as much as you're receiving all along. You needn't feel like you're at a deficit in the sharing of love here.

Just read some of my old posts if you're looking for the definition of 'high maintenance'. Sheesh, I'm surprised people like Lori and Danielle still put up with me. You're doing great, Charlotte. I love reading your blog, the sensitivity, the honesty, the joy. And sometimes the pain, too. Trust me, girl, you are not alone.

Well the good news is that I've had my therapy intro session and am ready to move onto to regular sessions. I have found a great match with a therapist who has particular interests in the types of issue I experience. I'm hoping this will allow meaningful progress in improving my thought processes.

The only concern is I have to commit to weekly sessions so this will put some financial pressure on me having an extra £144 a month coming out. Not to mention similar each month for hair removal etc. Will see how it goes for a bit then decide if it's workable and offers value.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 14, 2026, 02:20:18 PMThe only concern is I have to commit to weekly sessions so this will put some financial pressure on me having an extra £144 a month coming out.

I see my therapist every 2 - 3 weeks. Maybe when you get past the "getting to know you" stage, they can be spaced out further to fit your wallet.

That's encouraging news, Charlotte. I hope you'll find it helpful and I hope that you can successfully push for less frequent sessions if/when it feels necessary and appropriate.

Please keep us updated with how things go. (I know you will.)

Weekly sessions are part of the terms so non negotiable. Unfortunately with the NHS letting me down I've little option. I'm having to privately pay my hormones, facial surgery, mental health, opticians and dentistry fees. I wonder what I pay £1500 a month tax and NI for sometimes!

Hopefully I can keep hold of my job or I'm done for!

I hope it all holds together for you. I'd like to think that if you told them you could only afford 2 per month they'd accommodate you instead of making it zero, but sometimes that is how they roll.

Charlotte, I am so sorry that the system has made it so difficult for you to get the medical help that you should be entitled to, but you are smart and determined, so you will find a way to get things done.

You know that you have the support of everyone here, which has helped me so much through the years.

Today I had a scan at the hospital that I will be sharing with my FFS surgeon to allow pre-planning and prepare if there are any issues. I really want to do everything I can to make this a success. My brow ridge is so deep it completely ruins any illusions of me being female so I'm adamant it's removed as much as possible. Will be interesting for me to see the scans too just for curiosity of what's going on inside.

I'm very much hoping the surgery makes a appreciable amount of difference. As it stands I struggle daily to accept my feminity with my face as it is, so this is such an important step in my transition. Definitely counting down the weeks until March 7th when it finally gets sorted.

Other than that a normal work day so nothing interesting happened other than that!

Just coming home now from monthly furry meet in Birmingham UK. Was a bust meet today although not so many people I knew there today. I was pleased to see one of my furry friends Nibs the mouse briefly. She is so beautiful and friendly.

I'm still feeling a little vulnerable about my identity so was a bit quiet myself. I'm not sure if I want to be a bit androgynous or fully a woman. I can't tell if I'm seeking androgony because I don't have confidence I'll ever fully see myself as a woman or if that's what I really want. Part of me wants to retain some transness so to speak. But another part wants to pass as a women. I feel like a man in a dress and a fraud at my worst. I don't know why as I was ok sometime back. I think misgendring and such is getting under my skin whilst I'm currently too weak in my mind to resist it. I know it's wrong but it's a feeling...it's hard to ignore as it's deep.

Anyways I still love my new dress...the androgynous goth look I can't say I don't love it and always have. I guess I'd like options to swing where I wish each day. Pass or show my colours..my choice.

Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/RZR1BVTD/20260117-150204.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/kMbx5ycQ/IMG-20260117-154106-537-4.jpg)

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 17, 2026, 10:01:54 AMI'm not sure if I want to be a bit androgynous or fully a woman. I can't tell if I'm seeking androgony because I don't have confidence I'll ever fully see myself as a woman or if that's what I really want. Part of me wants to retain some transness so to speak. But another part wants to pass as a women. I feel like a man in a dress and a fraud at my worst. I don't know why as I was ok sometime back.

Charlotte.

Read carefully what you wrote.

You are focused on appearances. You are still trying to sort out how you want to present. You have an idea of how you should look, but you are not paying attention to the most important part. How you feel is more important than how you look.

Once you get a firm grasp on who you are, then what others see or think doesn't matter. Haters are gonna hate. There is no avoiding that. But with a firm understanding of who you are and how you want to express that, you are in a position of power to deflect those comments. Find the Inner Peace of accepting yourself, no matter what. Worry about appearances after you have found it.

Hugs!

Yes, Lori Dee is right.  We each need to learn to accept ourselves.  The more we do, the more "inner peace" we have.  This worked over time for me.  You achieving clarity about yourself is important but that is on your terms, conditions, and timeline.

That does NOT mean for me that I do not care how I look or how others may interpret my look. 
I try to present like a typical woman my age with about average looks. 

Chrissy

Thanks Lori and Chrissy for the direction. Taking on board exploring how I actually feel I'm going to start making notes now...as I feel today. Then hopefully I'll see a pattern.

I think I feel queer and androgynous...that's inside. But I get euphoria from two things.

Being an average women most of the time. I never as a man was happy with average. Yet as a woman day to day I feel such warmth and comfort from assuming my position as a normal woman. Linked to this 90% of my presentation is average but stylish. It never was average as a man,  yet I feel great now as a woman.

But inside there is also someone queer, someone a bit flamboyant, someone slightly kinky too. On occasion I want to be queer, out there and a bit..you know. I'm lucky I can be this at furry meets, alternative gigs and such. These are safe places where there is no judgment of your age, gender, sexuality, disability or anything.

Well I've nailed the second one. I think I'm still in training for the first. I'm doing ok according to my female colleagues. Maybe I just need a little more confidence and time. But also learning how I balance my personalities. I don't feel like one person. I feel torn sometimes. I probably need to also be aware of which Charlotte I am at any given time. I'll do some thoughts another day too.

Charlotte xXx

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 17, 2026, 11:10:38 AMBut inside there is also someone queer, someone a bit flamboyant, someone slightly kinky too. On occasion I want to be queer, out there and a bit..you know. I'm lucky I can be this at furry meets, alternative gigs and such. These are safe places where there is no judgment of your age, gender, sexuality, disability or anything.

The world you describe sounds utopian! Thanks, Charlotte. Now, I can at least imagine a place without judgment.

Think of it like the facets of a cut gemstone. They are all part of the same stone, yet each one reflects the light differently. For some, the light bounces off, and for others, it reflects through the gem. They are all part of the same whole, and together are what make it beautiful.

We are so much more than our gender. That is only one of the facets. We can also be a furry fan, a musician, a woman, queer, kinky, shy, friendly, and helpful. All still the same person. You are still beautiful. Let your light shine!

Thanks again everyone. Maybe I just gotta write it down to believe it. When you point it out to me it's obvious, but in my head it's just a jungle. You all seem so wise, but guessing it's lived experience. A lot of this is so new to me! I'm wise myself in practical ways and also helping others emotionally...just harder to apply in my own back yard!

Well I'm prerelease on my new track. I'm so glad I've at least got Charlotte out there.

I'm not sure where I'm going next. I'm having a creative crisis which probably relates to my real crisis. I'll probably move to a different sound. I love what young trans artists are doing with breakcore and hyperpop. Artists like Fem&m and Femtanyl. I'll probably try my own take and fusion of those genres. I just gotta keep things fresh as that's how I roll.

WOW, Charlotte, very impressive.  I googled some of your other tracks!

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 17, 2026, 10:17:30 AMHow you feel is more important than how you look.

Once you get a firm grasp on who you are, then what others see or think doesn't matter.

I just can't support this strongly enough. I feel so deeply that this is absolutely everything, and putting anything else ahead of it is avoiding what most needs to be addressed.

I think it's all about self-love. We have to love ourselves as we are and where we are, unconditionally - the same way we would if we had a child who faced any kind of challenge. When we can reach that complete surrender and acceptance that we are who we are, we can identify what the next step is that that lovely being wants and needs to express itself more fully. We don't have to see the final outcome today. With luck, there will be many future opportunities for further self-discovery. Who wants to become static?

There's no right or wrong, and you're discovering first-hand that trying to fit a pre-existing template isn't working out. That's great! So now you get to explore deeply within and find who Charlotte truly is.

This is exciting! I don't see it as something to be done and solved but something to explore and experience. Charlotte, you're doing it!

I agree, its how you feel. I am just me, working on the hot rod covered in grime wearing old work clothes ,no wig and a beany I do not pass. Out and about shopping or what ever with a splash of make up and my wig on then its no problem, thing is I still feel its me.

I've been giving things some thought just now. I think that the gender struggles I'm having are more as result of a general existential crisis I'm in.

Thinking deeply and responding to some videos today, I'm pretty clear that I love my queer identity. I absolutely adore androgynous looks and also trans people both MTF and FTM that don't fully pass but make an element of queerness integral to their personality.

I think I'm clear I'd like to pass to the point I look intentionally female. Enough that my pronouns would be assumed she/her. But I'm happy at the same time it's clear I'm trans.

I can be the woman I want to be and live that life. But I can also hold my queer identity and be totally proud I'm a trans woman. This is just how it feels to me. I know others rightfully push to be just a women and that is what they are. But I'm choosing to identity with my past as part of my current identity. I don't think that's wrong?

Basically my mental health is just weakening me so much and has eliminated any joy I previously got from hobbies or doing anything. This is so all encompassing that I have no self esteem or energy to defend my identity. There is a chunk of me missing. Until I can work on that with my therapist, I think I'll keep having dips when anything threatens the woman I want to be.

Tomorrow is my first session at 8pm. I also have running club. It will hopefully be the start of finding my self esteem again.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, you're doing all the right things, namely identifying the underlying causes for your lack of ease. Better still, you're taking active steps to address them.

I hope your sessions with the therapist tomorrow goes very well. I look forward to hearing how you feel about it.

I'd missed that you're a runner. I'd love to hear more about that part of your life if/when you want to share it. I started running at age 30 and have absolutely loved it. Now, at 61, it's less a part of my life but still a treasured one.

Love,
Pema

Quote from: Pema on January 18, 2026, 01:34:30 PMI'd missed that you're a runner. I'd love to hear more about that part of your life if/when you want to share it. I started running at age 30 and have absolutely loved it. Now, at 61, it's less a part of my life but still a treasured one.

Love,
Pema

Well I've started running again recently as I want to do something to improve my mental health and physical health before I go for surgeries this year and next year. Add to that I don't really have friends so it's an opportunity for me to get some more social interaction.

But I did run a lot more some years back. I ended up stopping when my work was pushing me to silly 14 to 18 hours days with most of my time working away from home. I could generally run 5k in a reasonable 27 minutes back then, which I enjoyed doing on an evening after work.

Also my mum is a runner so we have done a thing in the UK called park run together a few times. I'll be doing some more park runs alone on a Saturday again. I need to work out a couple of local routes too. It's a bit harder Where I live now as it's out of town a little.

I'm telling work that Monday evening for my run club is protected. If they don't want me having more breakdowns at work, they need to understand I need this free time.

How about you?

Charlotte xXx

Love your sound, Charlotte! Thanks.
I've given up trying to pin down or define my gender (which explains my he/she pronouns).
I feel like I'm a rubber band that keeps stretching towards the feminine only to pull away from it.
Like you, part of me is reluctant to let go of genderfluidity. Queerness.
For the most part, I'm okay with that.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 18, 2026, 12:55:44 PMI can be the woman I want to be and live that life. But I can also hold my queer identity and be totally proud I'm a trans woman. This is just how it feels to me. I know others rightfully push to be just a women and that is what they are. But I'm choosing to identity with my past as part of my current identity. I don't think that's wrong?

There are plenty of examples of people who dress femininely and sport a beard. Women who dress with a "macho" vibe. What you are doing is looking to see what feels right for you, and that is the right way to do it. You are getting in touch with that inner self to see what they want. And you are getting some answers.

How you present yourself in the world is up to you. There is no right or wrong way. And there is nothing wrong with being proud of being trans. I don't hide it. If you don't want to, you shouldn't either.

Well I had my first therapy session today. I certainly didn't hesitate getting everything off my chest including past abuse and my messed up reward / attachment issues.

I was really glad as she is the first person to truely acknowledge these deep feelings and past experiences. Said she could hear the pain and suffering in my voice and also see it deeply in my expression.

I've kept this stuff secret for years as I've been ashamed of my envious thoughts, self hatred, unhealthy attachments, limerence...well I think you get the idea. That's just the taster. These emotions are considered so anti social that I've just been embarrassed and ashamed. Well i don't mind now...I'm happy to share and acknowledge that this is an illness like any other. I'm trying not to be ashamed of something I'm suffering from. I want to be a better person.

My therapist has some ideas to explore my past experiences and trauma which will allow us to understand the messed up coping strategies I developed when younger. Then we can tackle them hopefully.

Sorry if this is deep, but I'm ready in myself to be true as it helps me a lot to figure things out.

Charlotte xXx

Charlotte,

That sounds like a great start. I think you are approaching this with the right attitude and mindset. We can't really heal until we are open and honest with ourselves about what we have endured. I am glad that you are charting a path forward. I hope it goes very well for you.

Charlotte, congratulations! That sounds like a fantastic beginning. And how wonderful that you felt comfortable enough to share these important parts of yourself AND received acknowledgment. I think this can be a beginning to a huge change in the chapters of your life.

Yes, it is deep, but it's also vital to your being whole and healthy. Thank you so much for doing this for yourself.

Love,
Pema

Since sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 19, 2026, 07:21:42 PMSince sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

That doesn't sound so good. I guessing you'll not get the same standard or care from the nurses? Might be worth asking directly to see her if that's the case. Hope you get what you need as that's the most important thing.

Charlotte x

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 19, 2026, 07:21:42 PMSince sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

The same thing with me since moving to Colorado. I don't get handed off to a nurse, but all direct messages to or from my Primary seem to be routed through the Regional Office in Denver. So I don't know if there is gatekeeping going on, or she just doesn't have the means to contact me directly. I have an appointment this morning with the Regional Endo clinic, so maybe I can get some answers.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 20, 2026, 09:30:16 AMI don't know if there is gatekeeping going on,

That's how I feel. Oddly enough, paranoia is the one mental illness derived from environment and experience. My VA therapist shared my gender variance with my primary (which, I hope, Charlotte, explains the non sequitur). I had my concerns gave my therapist permission. Oh, well, the nurses are nice, and paranoia is still a viable explanation.

I got my MRI scans back today. I was surprised to see a brain inside and that actually fills most of the space! Not sure how that's true but it is 😀

It will help my surgeon for sure as my brow bone is huge. That's a big chunk to come out, flatten and go back. This type 3 reduction is scary in thought!

Other than that just a normal work day. Sat writing firmware for a microcontroller most of my day.

Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/mrbzvF8k/Screenshot-20260120-215806-Chrome.jpg)

Congratulations on Proof of Brain, Charlotte! I printed mine and laminated it so I could show it to people who doubt me.

So, do they un-cap it, shave the top and bottom down, then re-cap it?

I had a craniectomy (in back), so they took out a chunk of skull for access and then basically closed it up with cellophane. I wish I'd asked to have that piece of skull.

Quote from: Pema on January 20, 2026, 04:31:03 PMSo, do they un-cap it, shave the top and bottom down, then re-cap it?

That's pretty much it. Flatten as much as possible and set it back. Screws and titanium plates are involved! I've heard some surgeons wire it back in, but this is thought to be inferior these days.

I'm sure it would have been interesting for you to have had that piece of skull. Definitely would've been something to come out when guests are visiting!!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 20, 2026, 05:17:36 PMFlatten as much as possible and set it back.

With a hammer? 🤣

Depending on the size of the skull fragment, it could be made into a necklace. Or a bracelet. Or chest armor? 🤣

I have an angle grinder!!!

This evening have been wrapping Christmas presents for my mum and a couple of family members from where I used to live. We didn't get over that way this year. We planned to but it was cancelled and my mum and partner went to her sisters. I can't help think it's something to do with not being ready to see me as a woman.

They are coming here on Friday for a kinda belated Christmas. I should be happy and excited, but honestly I just feel tired and somewhat neutral about the visit. I'm not sure, but I honestly don't really feel close to my mum or family in general. I think I'm becoming devoid of these types of emotion all together. Or maybe I never had them.

Well I'll see when the day comes. Maybe I'll feel different. Who knows  but I feel more like a lone wolf with every year that passes. I guess it's vitally important I learn to appreciate myself considering this.

Charlotte 😻

Work today was ok. We had clients in from the HS2 rail project in the UK. First time formally meeting new clients since I transitioned so a big thing for me. Had my nice brown dress on. Went really well, they were impressed with the company and get the impression they were comfortable around me and very much respected my professional integrity. Nice to be seen as the woman I am in the professional environment with no negative judgement.

This evening my mum came for belated Christmas and some food. It was the first time she's seen me since going female full time. First time seeing me as a woman in real. It went fine, but I still think she's coming to terms with this change as things felt a little reserved. I'm guessing it's just a lot for mothers to process even if not against it per se.

She is terrified about my upcoming surgery. My boyfriend is also terrified about it. It's getting me a little on edge too. But I gotta go through with this...I hate my facial appearance too much as it is. So this is an important step for me despite the risks.

Charlotte 😻

Massive hugs, Charlotte!
I am so glad the belated Christmas went well. Or, at least, better than it might have.
And hugs to your boyfriend! From everything you've said about him, he's there for you.

    @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
I really enjoyed reading your good news in you last reply comment regarding your work today.
Meeting clients for the first time as Charlotte and getting a good reception is a very affirming
experience for you and will give you confidence to continue on with more similar moments.

To add to that good experience you also had a successful first time appearance as Charlotte
to your mom.  You are correct in thinking that it is a big process for your mom. 

Wishing you well with your upcoming surgery.
Please keep your updates coming.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Well now I'm broken again. My mum was over with her husband (not my dad as she remarried). We got onto the subject of my mental health and i opened up about my feelings, how I think I may have BPD and what this feels like for me. This is a big deal as I've suffered this for 30+ years and only now feeling confident about opening up.

I was totally belittled. He basically said that what I'm feeling is no different to anyone else that's not mentally ill. Said that the symptoms I described of BPD are just laziness and like most other people out there.

This hurt bad. I've worked hard to get this courage and been shot down by him basically nullifying pain I've suffered through my life. Subsequently I broke down and smashed my head on the door many times. I've asked them to leave and that I'm not interested in maintaining a relationship. My mum made no effort to stand up for me.

So...now I have zero family. Just my partner. And after all my work I'm back broken again. Honestly I can't trust anyone. I should never let anyone into my life. It's not worth it. They just belittle and break you. I honestly don't want to be here. I can't end it because I really love my partner. But that doesn't change the fact I just want my life over. More than ever. So I just feel stuck. Trapped. Now I'm just totally lost in yet a worse place than before. How much worse does this get? I can't explain how hurt and empty I feel.

Charlotte xXx

@Charlotte_Ringwood
My dear Charlotte:
I am very saddened by this unhappy turn of events that you shared. 
I can virtually FEEL YOUR PAIN that you expressed. 
You have your supportive partner and you have support and acceptance here on Susan's Place.  Please take some time spend with your loving partner and just know that you are also loved and accepted for who you are here on the Forum.
I will write some more after I wake up and get my morning coffee (it is 6:30am here)
HUGS and LOVE
        ❤️
Danielle

Hey Danielle, thank you so much for your kind words of support and even more so at such an early hour. Does help to know at least here i have support of people who believe that mental health struggles are real. I have just slept a couple of hours as I just can't process it all. My bf is looking after me for sure and snuggled my tabby cat LuLu which helps. They don't judge me at all.

I know the benefits of a nice morning coffee for sure. I hope you enjoyed yours like I did mine. For the weekend it's a nice espresso here.

Love
Charlotte X 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/m2z2QWNF/20171125-132007.jpg)

My daughter has bipolar disorder, her mother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. None of the BPD's are fun. But they are manageable. Please, Charlotte, do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. Your music is beautiful. You are beautiful. I'm here whenever you want to talk. To share. We all are. Massive hugs, Girl.

Hi Charlotte,

Sorry to hear about what happened. I can relate. The old, "been there, done that" routine.

Just watch out for NATS. (Negative Automatic Thoughts). They are a negative form of self-talk that has no purpose except to make us feel bad. The way to swat a NAT is to examine it and determine if it is really true.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 24, 2026, 08:16:14 AMHonestly I can't trust anyone. I should never let anyone into my life. It's not worth it. They just belittle and break you.

You know this isn't true. There are people you can trust: your partner, people here at Susan's, and others if you think about it. This feeds the next thought about not letting anyone get close, which feeds the feeling of loneliness. Which leads to the conclusion that it's not worth it, because they belittle and break you.

It is easy to spot a NAT because they always show up in absolutes (I never..., they always..., etc.) And because they are absolutes, they fall apart under questioning.

As you take them apart, you start to realize how untrue they are and that the opposite is true.

That doesn't mean it doesn't sting when people treat us that way. Of course it does. But you can always fall back on the knowledge that not everyone is like that. Some people are just ignorant and callous. You did a good thing by standing up for yourself and telling them to leave. For some people, that is exactly what they wanted. They can't handle what they are faced with, so they provoke. Then they have an excuse to leave and not be confronted with their own ignorance. Sometimes, they may rethink things afterward and realize they were wrong. Very often, they don't.

That is not a reflection on you. They showed who they are, not who you are. If they can't handle it, that is on them.

Take it from someone who has been the Black Sheep of the family for decades: many family relationships are overrated. Like you, I stood up for myself when I was 16. When I showed them that I do not need them in my life, they tried to make amends because they need me more than I need them.

Go easy on yourself. This is not on you. How other people react shows who they are, not who you are. You are a sweet and wonderful person. If they can't see that, it is their loss.

We are still here for you. We will always be here for you.

Charlotte, dear friend, you are not who they say you are. They have no right, no knowledge, no authority to say what your experience is. That they would even think they might speaks only to their ignorance and arrogance.

I went through very similar experiences with all of my mother's partners - my father, men she dated after my parents' divorce, and finally her second husband. She apparently preferred "that type." They'd all dismiss most of what I said and felt - and my mother would just allow it. It was interesting to me that I didn't really care what any of the men said (other than my father), but I found it brutally painful that my mother would choose their bullying over my truth.

You don't have to take that on. You may not feel like you have everything exactly where you want it; we all have aspects of ourselves that we know we can improve. But that doesn't mean it's all for nothing. From where I sit, you are an intelligent, loving, giving, talented person who is actively working to grow and better herself - and is making progress. That's a lot more than the folks who do little more than criticize others.

So don't let them take you down with them. That's not you. You are so much more. Let yourself feel and truly integrate that awareness so that when they show you who they are, you can remember that that's them and not you.

We see, love, and appreciate you, Charlotte. It gets weird with family. We have different expectations of people with whom we share DNA, and there's really no reason we should. But we still do.

Hang in there, girl. You'll get through this. Use it to your advantage; let it make you stronger.

  @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
I am up, dressed, and had breakfast and copious amount of coffee this morning and I am very uplifted and thankful
to see that some of our members, Dances With Trees, Lori Dee, and Pema have stepped up and replied to you
and offered their advice, love and support.

I can fullly understand how hurtful that was for you to hear what your mom and her "man friend" said to you.
Recently I had my own battles with family/parental acceptance during my recent visit earlier this month and
those words "sting" and stay in your mind.  A good solution for me was to end the visit and travel back home
and get on the Susan's Place Forum to be close to accepting, supportive, and loving friends.

PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH WHAT YO ARE FEELING WITH YOUR MOM...
Along with other members that have replied to you, they have had similar unpleasant and
non-accepting experiences and negative reactions from family members.   
    As a side note, my Dad has refused to talk to me for many years, and unfortunately his health has been
declining for several years, and more than likely he will be "no longer with us" when I visit "back home"
again next year.
I made a point and an attempt to talk with him to win some kind of acceptance, but to no avail.
It is important to me, especially with a parent and other close family members for me to not say things that
I will regret later once my Dad succumbs to his health problems. 
I want to have no regrets so I do my best to stay in touch with letters, cards, emails, and my phone calls 
that he has refused to answer. 
Deep down I hope that before he departs the land of the living that he realized that I love him. 
Again, I don't want any regrets.

Please do you best to stay as positive as possible by hanging around your partner and others that have
shown you their acceptance ... and certainly receive the support your Susan's Place Forum readers and followers.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
      Direct Email:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

They say you can choose friends not family so find some excepting friends. I would have replied so you have a doctorate in mental health then !!! Stay safe dear you know you have friends here XX and a hug.

I really appreciate the effort and kindness of everyone here at a moment when I feel most vulnerable. It's very heartwarming to experience. I love the supportive atmosphere that can be found throughout Susan's. It really is such a special thing.

I knew that friends on here would understand the belittlement and rejection of my mental health struggles, and how this makes one feel. Being transgender itself is rejected by others regularly, so having such empathy towards others is born of our very own experiences.

Everyone's responses have given me a lot of reassurance and things to think about. I do suffer with affirming negatives and on top of this extreme emotional intensity. In the heat of the moment emotional regulation fails and this energy has to be shut down...at the moment by hurting myself. The negative affirmations are not far behind as Lori rightly mentioned. Sometimes the intense reaction is so much faster than the rational mind. I need to learn a better way.

The irony is being denied that I have any problems only then followed by me having a complete meltdown! Honestly I'm not sure what I said and what I meant. Did I really want my family to go for good? I know I didn't need to be belittled when I chose to open my heart...its taken a long time to get here. Amidst such an episode I'm not thinking straight. I take note of Danielle's experiences...I don't want to reject my family and burn bridges, I'd rather have a relationship. But my trust is now broken. How does reconciliation look? How does it start? Indeed my mums husband has a medical issue that could be serious. We only have so much time, life is precious right? I hope we all find some peace with our respective families as with mutual understanding things don't need to be this way.

At the same time if I explained a physical health problem I had, would I have received such a dismissive reaction? With mental health it's pseudo acceptable to dismiss it and set oneself up as an expert, denying existence due to one not experiencing it themselves. We see similar with transgender experiences. Everyone out there is an expert and apparently their opinion is more relevant than peer reviewed studies. Just like Davina said...where are their qualifications?I appreciate the reference by Dances With Tress on lived experience of BPD. People exist with such difficulties. I'm sure I do which is why I have obtained suitable therapy to explore it. Both my mum and partner know this. Empathy is important.

Thanks for sharing your experience too Pema. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding mothers partners. I honestly didn't think he was like this as generally came across ok. But I think my ex could see it as quickly had no time for him. I partly think my mum is conditioned to just keep the peace. Maybe this is a common theme? Buy some support would have helped.

I'm surprised my mum didn't try to bring me down. Yes I asked them to leave, but also think it was obvious I was having a breakdown. I was smashing my head on the door. The door has cracks through it. My work colleagues seeing me previously like this worked to calm me down and make me safe. I've heard nothing back from my mum or partner. I accept it was intense...but that's why I think I have such mental issues. Its a fairly classic manifestation of emotional disregulation and attacking someone who has low self esteem. This reaction is my real life...not a fairytale. I need help not rejection or demonisation. I doubt I could wall away the shoe on the other foot.

Luckily Monday I have running club and then a session with my therapist. Both of these are much needed and my hopeful avenue to a better life.

Thank you again to everyone for your experiences and help with this. A few words or lots, each response is special and I hold them all dearly. Moreover I appreciate the love and closeness shown by everyone. I feel loved and in turn I'm feeling love and warmth in return to everyone here.  I'm very resistant to feeling appreciation and friendship, but here I'm feeling in break through. Again it feels so special here.

Love and hugs,
Charlotte 😻 😻

  @Charlotte_Ringwood  @Dances With Trees  @Lori Dee  @Pema  @davina61

Dear Charlotte:
In your previous posting you stated: 

   "I don't want to reject my family and burn bridges, I'd rather have a relationship.
    But my trust is now broken. How does reconciliation look? How does it start?"
"

My answer to YOU is very clear:    Reconciliation starts with YOU asking for forgiveness, and
                                                          immediately accepting forgiveness.  Even if the other party
                                                          does not offer forgiveness to you, you can feel good knowing
                                                          that you took the proper steps to make things right
                                                          and to not have regrets.

I am so very glad that you are scheduled to be with your running club; exercise with others will be a
big help in clearing your mind.  Then seeing your therapist to talk over what went on with your mom
and what you are doing or what you did to rectify these issues.

Along with you other readers and followers I likewise am always eagerly looking for your updates.

HUGS, and more HUGS,
                ❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

According to Danielle's advice I have made contact and peace with my Mum. It was only very brief as think we both  need space for a while. But it does clear the air for now.

I'm counting the days for my FFS which is only 6 weeks away. I'll soon need to release the money as it's tied up in investment funds that take a week to clear. Then I've got to get the best part of £10k out in cash...in Turkey it's very normal to pay cash for this stuff, else you're hit with big surcharges to pay other ways. A bit scary mind.

With regards my HRT I'm getting concerned that my breasts haven't grown in 3-4 months. They grew most in the first 6 months. I've reached a B cup, but with my body size they are kinda lost without wearing very exaggerating clothes. I'm hoping sometime they grow more or else I'll have to find yet more money for breast augmentation! To be workable on my frame I'm sure I'll need to achieve D cup. C might be workable even if not optimal. There are mixed reviews out there as to expected growth post 6 months. Some say next to none whilst others say several cups. I'm not sure what's true, if there is exaggeration etc!

Charlotte 😻

I have been on hormones for a long time and I doubt I will get beyond my B cups.
Perhaps if I lost two inches on my underbust I might have a sister band size down and a C cup, but that would be the most likely way without enhancements.  But that is simply a bra sizing thing, not a volume increase.  In fact, if my underbust went down two inches, my boobs likely will lose some fat too.

Breasts are a very personal part of our bodies so I can appreciate that we each have our own desires as to size.  I am usually very happy with what I have.  Occasionally I have what I call breast size envy and want them to be or appear to be bigger.  But most of the time, I am delighted.

Chrissy

40C padded M&S bra for me ,its a tad to big but does the job. I think Progesterone would help but cant get that on prescription.

Quote from: davina61 on January 26, 2026, 03:39:19 AM40C padded M&S bra for me ,its a tad to big but does the job. I think Progesterone would help but cant get that on prescription.

Oh I found the M&S wired padded bras to be lovely. They fit so nice. Mine are 38B.

I'm on progesterone now so will see if  it makes a difference.

My second session with my therapist this evening. This feels so much better than what I got through the NHS. I'm being listened to and asked poignant questions. She offers sympathy but in a grown up way. This alone is allowing me to connect the dots of feelings. Make behavioral relationships between what I didn't see as related. It's slow but I'm seeing myself. Seeing what hurts, what breaks me, why it breaks me and importantly validating my feelings.

I really needed to get 30 years of pain and angst off my chest. Share my deepest and sometimes embarrassing feelins...those of envy, of feeling insignificant, of emptiness, never being able to truely find any form of self appreciation. But I think these come from younger and finding ways to cope. I also think I inherited a lot from my Dad. He was very troubled and very controlling. Luckily I don't have the latter, though I direct similar narratives inwards. I can never achieve the perfection that I demand of myself. So then I beat myself to death with it. I know I'm messed up, unbalanced. I just want to fix it.

I had running club tonight. That's really helping too. Being with others each Monday evening makes me feel at least a little alive. Charlotte is trying to grow stronger and be a little bit better.

Charl🧡tte xXx

Oh, Charlotte... This is great stuff. I'm so proud of you for doing all of this.

I could tell you all the things like that perfectionism is cruel and whatever else, but I know that you already know and that my saying it won't change anything and - most importantly - you're doing the work that will build your strength and experience to get you there. That's really the only way, and you're on it.

Exercise and especially with others. It's all phenomenal.

Way to go, sister!

Love,
Pema

Not too much to say today. Woke up too early from the noise of the wind and rain. So feeling very tired from work then grocery shopping. Tummy not feeling so good (IBS), so going to relax!

Will just leave you wondering how two of us manage to sleep in this bed. Hint...the plushies stay on the bed!!

(https://i.postimg.cc/Mpkz9bqK/IMG-20250926-093725-058-2.jpg)

Your treasure trove includes one of the most lifelike plushies I've ever seen!
I consider my imagination to be quite limber, but you stretched it further than I can reach.
Hope you're feeling better.

It was my partners mums birthday so we went over this evening to take a card and catch up. Quite quiet but nice nonetheless.

Feeling a little wiped out like I'm coming down with something. Not surprised because everyone at work has been sneezing 😥

I've been thinking recently that sometimes I wish my relationship with my bf was a bit more than semi platonic. We snuggle and kiss passionately loads and he's happy with me feeling most of his body.  But on the back of this at times I crave more. I am a sexual person with attraction to him. Being on CPA as my blocker helps as it reduces my sex drive massively, but not completely. Next year I'm getting GRS so not sure if that'll zero my T or what. Obviously will again affect my sex drive.

Still lots of thoughts to process!

Charlotte 😻

I had such an amazing evening today. I'm in a local trans group on Facebook, but had yet to meet the group in person. One of the members recommended a gig to see guitarist Sophie Lloyd and her band locally. My partner is a big metal / rock fan and I like pretty much any live music so I got us tickets!

Attended tonight and got to join the trans group in person. Everyone was so friendly. Despite my bf being a big fan of metal / rock, he'd never been to a gig! Well he loved it. Was singing along, smiling and moving. So nice to see. I also loved every minute of it, dancing and singing too.

I got to wear my new outfit..giving goth vibes. I felt really good dressing up for a special night and getting to really push my femininity.  I dropped my coat and two young people gave it back to me, but also both showered me in compliments caling my outfit and me beautiful. It felt so good. So friendly, they didn't need to say anything yet did.

So really tonight made me feel alive again. My bf was happy, I met nice people and felt the woman I am inside.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte! That's great! I'm so glad you both had such a good time.

Be sure to make the memory of this evening easily accessible on those days when things go poorly. It'll be handy to pull this one up to remind you that life is full of ebbs and flows, and that lousy day will give way to a better one. We're here for all of it.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You've brightened my day, too.

Yesterday was a nice day but not feeling so good today. I look at my pictures today and just see ugly. I'm fooling myself thinking that I'm ever gonna look ok as a woman. I try telling myself which works sometimes but really I'm just telling myself a lie and deep down i know it. I've gone from being an ok looking guy to bad looking woman. Honestly I'm not sure this is all right for me, that I'll ever get where I aspire to be. I don't want to detransition but don't like my current trajectory either. Feel Stuck just hating this body I have. I honestly hope my ffs goes wrong and messes me up completely. Then I will never get hope again and get used to it.

I'm guessing this is why I like being a furry as can just be something that's not me for a while.

We are our own worst critics. Looking in a mirror will never reflect what we want it to. Pictures are worse because they show our bone structure more than what the eye sees. It sees all, but our brain interprets things differently.

The key is to have realistic goals. If you want to look like a 20 yeaar old girl, forget it. Not going to happen. I always told myself to stay realistic. I am 68 years old. I will never even look like a 30-year-old. I have accepted that. But I would rather look like an ugly old woman than a young handsome man.

Go easy on yourself. You are giving up before anything has had a chance to work for you. That kind of negative thinking goes nowhere and only makes you feel bad. Look ahead to the future with hope. Realize that it will never be perfect. But that does not make it bad.

Give yourself time. This is a lifelong journey. It won't happen quickly. Not for trans women, not for cis women. It takes a decade or longer for the changes to happen. Buckle in and enjoy the ride.

Charlotte, do not despair. At the beginning of my journey I looked the the mirror and thought 'I'm going to make one ugly woman'. Even with that in my mind, I knew I had to try. We are often the last people to notice what others see. Even now, I see a photo of myself and my mind plays tricks. The first thought is 'she's pretty', once my brain recognizes the lady in the photo it becomes 'oh, that's just me'. Please remember that mirrors are evil, they only show you what you want to see. It took several years before I stopped seeing my ghost in the mirror.

In one of my older posts, I have a series of photos covering four years of changes. Never lose hope.
https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=233104.msg2259475#msg2259475

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thanks Lori your reply is appreciated. I don't even want to look younger. I'm 44 and would be happy to add 20 years to that age but look nice. Never really found youth that appealing. I'll never be perfect like you say but I don't think I'm even close to average. I'm guessing most people in my life laugh about me behind my back that I'm even thinking someone as awful as me is even considering this.

I do get these things take time. I'm just worried,  as after FFS I don't really know what else I can do. Maybe my hair will actually grow and look good one day. But apart from maybe HRT having slight effects that's kinda end of the road for things I can work on with my facial appearance.

On the plus side I finally completed my audition house mix for the furry rave at confuzzled. It came out nicely. If I get accepted I got some practicing to do.

Thanks too Jessica. I will try my best but it's hard for sure. My bf says I look ok but that's his job to say that and he was happy with me as a guy! And people just lie if you ask them how you look.

I've looked at my progress photos and really only seen that my facial hair has gone. Nothing much else has changed in 10 months except things like hair and brows.

I'm going to insist that my surgeon takes all of that brow bone and orbital rims away. They so don't help as my eyes are so deep, hooded and shadowed. I think that really makes me look terrible. I've never met anyone with so bad hooded eyes!

Thanks for sharing your journey. I'll take a look although some of the photos didn't show when I just checked

Ten months, yet you understand that this takes ten years. You are being overly critical.

I have hooded eyes too. I had surgery to fix them, and it left me with scars on my eyelids that I think are painted neon so everyone can see them. People I have asked say they hadn't noticed. I cover them with makeup because they bother me.

Here is a picture of me in 2021 with my hooded eyelids. How bad do they make me look?

In my opinion, you are distressed because you haven't yet found a look you're comfortable with. You like the clothes and how they look. You like the boots and how they look. Why not try different hairstyles or colors?

I spent a lot of time experimenting with wigs of various colors, lengths, and styles. My hair when I was younger was dark brown, so I was surprised to see how blonde or red look. You'll know it when you see it. I looked in the mirror one day and said, "Hey, I know you!" That's when I knew. I don't like my eyebrows, so bangs work to camouflage them. See if they work for your brows.

Go easy on yourself. Keep trying different things.

Thanks Lori. I'm hoping they can fix my hooded eyes in surgery too. To be honest your eyes look amazing in that picture. I'd be so happy if mine looked that good. I've had a permanent squint look in my eyes since very young.

I have been experimenting with my hair style a few times but everytime I try to style it the volume drops out in an hour or so.

I tried putting waves in a few times and they dropped out in 20 minutes and left my hair frizzy all over. Even in boy mode I spent years trying to volumise my hair as i always liked to style it. Ive had just about all styles and colours in boy mode! It's very fine hair. The salon can get it ok looking with about 6 different volumising products, blow drying, curling, etc.

I'll definitely try other colors in time as i always have in my life. I'm avoiding blond as the bleach last time made my hair break and loads fell out. I'm even losing loads now from styling it when i do. I'm only just keeping hold of it because of hrt and minoxidil, so it's quite weak. It's enough though at least to cover my head ok. Just need more length and can maybe try to do more.

I will ask for bangs next time as might help.

Don't risk damaging your hair.

Go to a wig shop and try on different colors and styles. Get them to share their impressions. They don't need to know why you want a wig (they don't care). You could be going to a party, acting in a theater, or whatever. Don't be bashful. I was my first time, but the stylist turned out to be a wonderful person.

That will give you some ideas of what to look for. Then you can buy from the shop or go online and find similar styles at better prices.

You will be surprised at the difference hair style and color make.
I have some pics posted on Imgur, but you won't be able to see them. Forgive me for dumping them here so you can see what I mean. Makeup and clothing are all similar. The difference is in hairstyle and color. Yes, I have a lot of wigs.

Hey Lori, those pictures all look beautiful and very different like you say. I,ll go and try some wigs to get ideas of what works if I can find somewhere good around here.

I don't really want to go that way long term though...I have no issues with them, but know that anything that's not a real part of me doesn't really help me feel better. I wont even use anything to enhance my breasts for the same reason. But i can possibly then try to get help styling my hair in the same way. Show a stylist the pictures and get advice.

Most days I'm up early and just going to work so easy maintenance is important. None of my cis colleagues do their hair or makeup either for work as we're all just burnt out! I'm the most dressed and polished women at my work even as I am!

Charlotte, somewhere out there is your AFAB doppelganger, a cis woman who looks exactly like you. If you met her, you wouldn't tell her she was unattractive. So why do it to yourself? If you met a child who was upset about about having hooded eyes, would you tell them they were right to be harshly critical of their own appearance?

Please promote the love from within. Let yourself love yourself exactly as you are and, with that love, nurture the woman inside of you and guide her gently and with compassion as she takes the steps that she chooses to express her femininity. We all want the people in our lives to be supportive of us, but we really should learn to be our own biggest supporter. You deserve that.

Hi Pema, you really do have a way with words and never fail to make me feel warmth. Thank you. I see where you are coming from and would never say those things to anyone. I think all people are beautiful, well apart from myself it seems.

I guess I'm just struggling to feel that I look much different to what I used to. I need to leave him behind but still see him in me.

From some brief messaging just now I think any remaining relationship with my mum is now superficial. I expect it's mostly because I'm trans, although this isn't explicitly confirmed. My gut says it's led by her husband but that's just my intuition.

From this point then I'm living my life with zero family and zero friends. It's a good job that despite my issues I'm fiercely independent and managed to build my life with little help from anyone. I just gotta keep my bf and 3 kitties safe now.

Charlotte 😻

      @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
Please be advised: You absolutely have many
like-minded friends here on Susan's Place and the Forum.

Your past postings and contributions of your thoughts and comments
do not go unnoticed by me, other staff members, and by our members,
                YES, YOU HAVE FRIENDS HERE

HUGS and more HUGS, ❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator    Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
                    cc: @Susan  @Devlyn  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 01, 2026, 02:21:45 PMFrom some brief messaging just now I think any remaining relationship with my mum is now superficial. I expect it's mostly because I'm trans, although this isn't explicitly confirmed. My gut says it's led by her husband but that's just my intuition.

From this point then I'm living my life with zero family and zero friends. It's a good job that despite my issues I'm fiercely independent and managed to build my life with little help from anyone. I just gotta keep my bf and 3 kitties safe now.

Charlotte 😻

I find that in-person relationships are the ones I struggle with the most, especially family. I have family that I talk to occasionally, but we are not a part of each other's lives. Frankly, I don't miss them.

The family I consider mine are the friends who have been supportive and accepting of me all along. We have a family here. We care about each other, look after one another, and do what we can to lift each other up. To me, that is the very definition of "family". It has nothing to do with coincidental DNA.

Be yourself. We are not going anywhere. If someone mistreats you, that is on them.

Thanks Danielle and Lori. I do find it hard to let people in as friends and to believe it. Not to mention its a feeling I really get overwhelmed with and struggle to process. But you're always there. Thank you so for being such good friends to me. It helps.

And also to all the others on here that keep giving me kind words. I really appreciate you too.

Love and lots of hugs, Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/D0DyQ46w/image-6483441-(2).jpg)

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 01, 2026, 02:15:42 PMHi Pema, you really do have a way with words and never fail to make me feel warmth. Thank you. I see where you are coming from and would never say those things to anyone. I think all people are beautiful, well apart from myself it seems.

I guess I'm just struggling to feel that I look much different to what I used to. I need to leave him behind but still see him in me.

Charlotte, that warmth you feel is coming from inside of you. If I have anything to do with your feeling it, it's only because I'm pointing it out to you. That's all you, my friend.

And I understand your not wanting to see him in the mirror, but remember that he carried you this far and launched you on this path. Try not to see him as an adversary. His heart is your heart.

I completely relate to what you're saying about your mother. I went through something very similar with my mother many (many) years ago. She made the (presumably unconscious) choice to support her arrogant, narcissistic husband over just being reasonable with me. I felt I had no choice but to interact with her quite superficially, and that really was all she was capable of doing.

About 10 years later, the two of them divorced, and my mother became genuinely interested in me and my life. Decades later, we are extremely close and have been for a long time.

So, things can change and people, too. It just takes time and persistence.

Sending you love,
Pema

Hi Pema,
Thank you...sometimes its difficult to feel warmth and light without a little help though. Internally I'm pretty much all consumed with darkness. I hope one day to leave that behind with some therapy.

Charlotte 😻

And I am *ecstatic* that you're in therapy and that it shows such promise. ❤️

Running club stepped things up bit so I really felt I got a good work out today. I felt more sociable too and relaxed, so that made it even better. I came away feeling a bit exhausted but in a good way.

I've joined a local club of woman and gender expansive DJs who support each other to grow skills and confidence, but also offer opportunities to perform. I'm hoping this will help me gain confidence and support me to do more and become better. It'll feel at least a safer space to be the real me.

Councelling went well. Determined how a lot of what I do is a front or act born from a perceived need to constantly protect myself. The true me is marred by the front I think the world wants to see. But do I really know what I want? So going to try and connect with myself, try to feel a place of safety. Somewhere I can honestly explore myself.

Thanks again for the love and care given to me by all. Love you all too 😻

Charlotte

Charlotte, I noticed that you'd changed your avatar back to a photo of your face, and I came here to tell you how good it was to see you again, that no matter how you may feel at times about your appearance, you are you and you are special.

When I got here, I saw what you had posted today, and that made it all the better.

Sister, there will be ups and downs. You will learn to ride them and be at ease even when things don't go as you'd hoped. I've seen you come so far in just a few months, and I'm eager to see where you go.

Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us.

Love,
Pema

I thought I would never pass, balding, over weight (still !!) 60 year old but I do .Still need to work more on my voice.

Thank you Pema and Davina. You're both so lovely and beautiful too. We are each different for sure. I gotta learn to love my quirkiness as really that is and always has been my identity.

Today will be interesting. Traveling to Worcester to start electrolysis on my you know where! My local place charges 3 x the price for pre grs electrolysis so have to go further.


Charlotte 😻

Not that far from me then.

Quote from: davina61 on February 03, 2026, 02:05:34 PMNot that far from me then.

Oh yeah I remember you mentioning Malvern I think once. It's a lovely area. It's not too bad from here really. The same time if I drive or get the train so can really just decide how I feel.

Pearl doing my electrolysis was lovely and put me at ease. A good thing as I'm not so used to anyone else touching me around there! The hairs responded well and didn't hurt too much. She was surprised at my pain threshold and said a lot of people struggle at that power.

So I'll be going fortnightly for 2 hour sessions at first, ready to be clear for next year! And less than half the cost of my local place, so saving over £150 per session.

Charlotte 😻

Davina has a torch that will get them gone in one session!

Ouchies! Just, ouch.

Quote from: Lori Dee on February 03, 2026, 03:31:58 PMDavina has a torch that will get them gone in one session!

Ouchies! Just, ouch.

Now that's one thing I haven't tried...yet 🫢

I don't feel like you've given electrolysis a fair go yet. Stay with it for a bit before changing methods, I beg you.

Quote from: Pema on February 03, 2026, 04:03:07 PMI don't feel like you've given electrolysis a fair go yet. Stay with it for a bit before changing methods, I beg you.

Oh i'll definitely be staying with it! Going to get my rogue eyebrow hairs taken out too. Perfect permenant brows coming soon 😻

I was lucky as didn't need any hair removed, laser was enough for me on my face (ouch)

I'm ill again with another cold caught at work. Seems to be non stop at the moment. Been a fairly uneventful week apart from the news on here of course, now being on the staff!

Pretty unexpected for sure, but it's definitely made me happy. Knowing that me just being me on here has been so well received. Honestly I just want people to feel good about themselves, know that someone is out there, someone is listening. Or just be there when someone has just the greatest news, and are eager to share that joy.

Many a time I've spent in tears just wishing for someone to reach out to. But more importantly someone who won't judge, maybe firm but not belittling my experience. I know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

Well this seems the place I can get the support I so need, but also offer my understanding and care to others like everyone on here does.

Love Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, I hope you feel better soon.

Transitioning is not easy. I think most of us were pushed to the edge of existence before accepting our truth. It will get easier, then harder, then easier. Eventually, you will reach a point where you are happy with yourself, and strong enough to ignore those who don't matter. We'll be here for you, and for anyone else who needs us.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

@Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
Thank you for posting and sharing. 
I hope, trust and pray that you get healed up from your re-occuring cold.
Try to stay warm and dry, stay away from people that are coughing or
sneezing at your work.

I was touched by your description of what emotions you are feeling being
here on the Susan's Place Forum.  Yes, you are well received here and you have
a great testimony to share with new and old members that your greet and welcome
in your Staff Role as an Official Greeter.

I am so very glad that you are sharing yourself with all of us on the Forum.
We all need each other, and the Forum exudes and  emanates acceptance,
understanding and provides SAFE PLACE and a SAFE REFUGE with understanding,
listening, and sharing among our like-minded members.

As  @Jessica_Rose very correctly stated in her reply post:

QuoteWe'll be here for you, and for anyone else who needs us.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 05, 2026, 02:10:11 PMI'm ill again with another cold caught at work. Seems to be non stop at the moment. Been a fairly uneventful week apart from the news on here of course, now being on the staff!

Pretty unexpected for sure, but it's definitely made me happy. Knowing that me just being me on here has been so well received. Honestly I just want people to feel good about themselves, know that someone is out there, someone is listening. Or just be there when someone has just the greatest news, and are eager to share that joy.

Many a time I've spent in tears just wishing for someone to reach out to. But more importantly someone who won't judge, maybe firm but not belittling my experience. I know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

Well this seems the place I can get the support I so need, but also offer my understanding and care to others like everyone on here does.

Love Charlotte 😻

I hope you're able to rest and recover quickly, Charlotte.

You're getting stronger all the time, and it's beautiful to see.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 05, 2026, 02:10:11 PMKnowing that me just being me on here has been so well received. Honestly I just want people to feel good about themselves, know that someone is out there, someone is listening. Or just be there when someone has just the greatest news, and are eager to share that joy.

Many a time I've spent in tears just wishing for someone to reach out to. But more importantly someone who won't judge, maybe firm but not belittling my experience. I know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

You are beautiful. I think the only one who doesn't see it yet is you.

Your experience is different in a unique way, but you understand what it is like to wish there was someone to talk to. Not only do you understand that feeling, but you stepped up and said, "I am here for you."

That is pure gold.

Never stop being you.

When I feel a cold coming on, I soak in a hot bath for 30 minutes. Keep the water as hot as I can stand it without getting burned. After 30 minutes, put on warm PJs and climb under a blanket. Sip hot tea and keep the clear fluids going to flush it out.

My "clear fluid" of choice is tequila, but alcohol is not the right medicine.

Feel better soon. We aren't done with you yet.

😀

Charlotte, I love your new avatar photo.  You look beautiful!

Transition definitely requires us to trust the process and not the mirror. We can be our own worst critics. I am my worst. Others you trust should be the ones who give you the best opinions. You will feel prettier every day!

I hope you feel better!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 05, 2026, 02:10:11 PMI know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

Charlotte, you are so beautiful and your words were met with tears.

Thanks.

Lovely to wake up today to some beautiful words from my friends on here. Thank you so much.

Honestly I've been good the last few days despite being ill with this cold. I feel better about myself, I looked in the mirror today and am happy with things as they are. I'm finding my love of fashion again and leaving the house everyday looking as good as I can!

Seem to get asked everyday about my outfits at work and my colleagues saying they wish they could pull off the look too. Well I just explain that they can definitely pull off the same looks...there is no reason why not. I like my body shape in a nice sweater and short skirt, so was even ok seeing my face with a little grow back of darker facial hair. I'm a bit androgynous and that's OK. Seems to be working in a way.

I need a couple more laser sessions I think then electrolysis for the stragglers to sort my facial hair.

All I can say is being here is really helping me. Not just receiving help but also some focus on chatting with others, thinking things through and helping where I can. Guess I feel part of something which feels really good. I'm sure I'll have more dips, but hopefully will get less and less over time.

Well it's soon the weekend. I think I'll do parkrun tomorrow to keep my fitness up and just get out there.

Love Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 06, 2026, 03:18:13 PMAll I can say is being here is really helping me. Not just receiving help but also some focus on chatting with others, thinking things through and helping where I can. Guess I feel part of something which feels really good. I'm sure I'll have more dips, but hopefully will get less and less over time.

I love this and I hope it's true for many people. If nothing else, I think it's incredibly helpful to see in real-time that other people face similar challenges, and we get through them.

Was nice to be added to a WhatsApp group by my medical coordinator for my FFS in about 4 weeks time. It's feeling very real now being sent consent forms with all the potential complications. It should be ok though.

They say I need some pyjama's so I've ordered some cute Hello kitty ones..obviously! Also had to get a special pillow to clamp my head. I'm a side sleeper and can't risk ruining my rhinoplasty if I turn into my pillow.

I've upped my dosage of my blockers to daily rather than each other day too at start of this week. So I'll need to be tested again soon to check testosterone. Hopefully get it lower. I've only a year anyway until GRS when I won't need blockers anymore. Want to make sure T isn't around to cause unnecessary hair growth or stunt brest growth in any way this year.

Charlotte 😻

@Charlotte_Ringwood

Look at that! You have your Silver Surfer Badge now. Looks good on you!

Thanks for supporting the site with a subscription and for your awesome contributions that help our members.

Hugs!

    @Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte_Ringwood:

I am very sorry for the delay in posting your Silver Subscriber Badge.

I have just verified your Subscription and NOW I have posted your BADGE that is visible
on any past or present postings that have or had submitted.
Your new BADGE is displayed just below your Official Greeter Badge below your profile photo.

Your generosity and your support are very much appreciated.  It is the financial contributions
such as yours that helps to keep Susan's Place and Forums up and running for the support and
information for the LGBTQ+ community.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator    Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Well I had my session with my therapist but that is now in contention. She says that we can't continue unless I can get specialist diagnosis and support for my potential BPD. My risk profile is too high with the repeated self harm that they deem it a high risk to support me without further specialist intervention. She doesn't have the specialist experience here that psychiatrists do.

The problem is last time I was refused psychiatric referral due to lack of resources and my venlafaxine dose was increased instead. Looks like I will have to try again and hope for the best or be on my own again.

Charlotte 😻

I'm so sorry, Charlotte! This sounds like something straight out of Catch-22. I really hope the issues are resolved soon and work to your benefit. My daughter has the other BPD (bipolar disorder). Without talk therapy, all the drugs she takes (and she takes many) would not be nearly as effective.

Ugh. Charlotte, I'm sorry. I was really hoping things were cruising now with your therapist. If "the system" worked, she'd be able to connect you with a suitable psychiatrist. There needs to be continuity in care, but our complex machinery doesn't seem to value people in the way I think we deserve.

So I hope you're able to figure that out or that there's someone who can facilitate it for/with you. Know that we are rooting for you. You're worth it.

I could easily be referred privately to a psychiatrist but they charge £350+ per hour. I'm not sure how much I'd need in total. I guess if no other options I'll get the credit cards out again!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 10, 2026, 10:20:23 AMI could easily be referred privately to a psychiatrist but they charge £350+ per hour. I'm not sure how much I'd need in total. I guess if no other options I'll get the credit cards out again!

I don't know if they can help, but check with Samaritans.org. They might be able to point you toward someone who works with the LGBTQ community. It doesn't hurt to ask.

Hi Lori,
I tried Samaritans last time you mentioned and I'm on a 6 month wait list for councelling via birmingham lgbt. My hope is that they don't reject me for the same reasons! I've been refused councelling from my work medical insurance too because they said my case was too specialist and they discharged me!

They mostly don't like to deal with the self harm risk, preferring to send me back to the NHS and square one.

I might just have to lie to them yet try and steer the therapy in a direction that may work. However if I do have BPD this needs very specific work.

Just for reference this is pretty much the definition of BPD and what I experience constantly. Does make understanding my real feeling very hard!:-

Emotional Instability: Rapid, intense mood swings (happy to hopeless) that can last hours or days, strong feelings of emptiness, shame, or worthlessness, and difficulty controlling anger.

Identity Issues: A confused or unstable self-image and a feeling of having no purpose.

Impulsive Behaviors: Acting without thinking, potentially leading to reckless driving, binge eating, risky sexual behavior, or substance misuse.

Self-Harm & Suicidality: Recurrent self-harm or suicidal threats, gestures, or behaviors are common.

BPD results from a mix of genetic and environmental factors, with childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect being common experiences, though causes aren't fully understood.

Thanks for sharing.

I am glad you reached out to them. It is a shame that it takes so long to get help. I would think that would be a priority, but... this is the world we live in.

Never give up. We are here if you need us.

TRIGGER WARNING:   Warning: discussion of suicidal themes.

Thanks all for the support. Honestly in the UK particularly my area mental health support is virtually non existant on the NHS. My friend only got referred after attempting suicide twice and then was discharged in a few weeks.

I just got to be thankful that my boyfriend needs me, as really he's the only reason I'm still around. He told me he'd be lost without me and that I've changed his life so much for the better. He was worried sick when I was late home. Also told me if I was gone he'd still make two cups of tea every evening.  That made me burst into tears, and now I'm crying even typing this. I can't in all consciousness hurt him in any way as I love him so dearly.

But that leaves me so torn up sticking around when a big part of me really doesn't want to be. Then I feel so guilty and horrible for even thinking this way. I love him so I should want to be around right? But I'm getting tired...I've lived nearly 30 years hoping each year would be better ...that I'd feel happiness. But it's never come. I'm pretty exhausted with just existing, that's only way I can describe it. I'm almost apathetic to my entire being these days. Yeah I have some great days that's for sure, but they are few and far between really.

Sorry this is heavy, but it's from the heart and this is the majority of days for me for the last decades. Even 2nd line antidepressants are not even touching it.

I'll keep searching as I have no choice!

Charlotte 😻

TRIGGER WARNING:   Warning: discussion of suicidal behavior.
Before my daughter stabilized, she begged me to enter into a murder-suicide pact with her. Instead, with the help of her talk therapist, we had her admitted to an in-patient treatment program followed by intensive out-patient treatment. Medication changes, 24-hour monitoring, and what seemed like an eternity of being called an a-hole later, my daughter is now stable. She's been in a stable, committed relationship for more than five years. She's working as a bookkeeper. Part time, but it wasn't all that long ago I didn't believe she would ever hold down another job. I dreaded going to her room and knocking on the door. I dreaded she might call me an a-hole again. And dreaded even more that my knock would be met with silence.

Charlotte, I haven't been where you may be at from your side of the door. But I've been there from your boyfriend's side. Please do whatever needs to be done to keep yourself safe. To allow yourself the time to heal. DM me. Or Lori or the many people inside Susan's who can listen to you, who will hear you, while you look for a therapist. Massive hugs.

Okay, Girl, you touched a nerve. So, I'll keep talking.

Please go to one of Sephirah's old posts. Any of them. Near the bottom, there's a line that begins, "If your dealing with self esteem issues, click here..."

If I knew how to cut and paste such things, I would. But please go to one of her posts and click 'here'. Sephirah is a very wise woman.

Charlotte, you're amazing. Your posts have helped me through many dark days. Love you.

You are all amazing. All of you. Thank you so much for being here for each other and for the people who never create accounts but read these posts filled with humanity, empathy, and love.

@Charlotte_Ringwood  @Dances With Trees  @Pema

For your information:

Quotehttps://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=2.msg27408#msg27408

Suicide Prevention and Support Resources

Seeking help is a courageous step toward well-being. At Susan's Place, we understand the importance of mental health support, especially for the transgender and non-binary community. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, here are some dedicated organizations ready to help:

The Trevor Project (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/)

Specialized support for LGBTQ youth.

Helpline (24/7): 1-866-488-7386.
Text and Chat: The Trevor Project chat (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/) or text START to 678-678.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (https://988lifeline.org/)

Nationwide, free, and confidential support for those in crisis, available 24/7.

Helpline (24/7): Call #988, text #988.
Text and Chat: Chat online (https://988lifeline.org/chat). Haz clic aquí para el chat en español (https://988lifeline.org/es/chat/).

Trans Lifeline (https://translifeline.org/)

A grassroots hotline and microgrants non-profit organization for the trans community.

Helpline (24/7): 1-877-565-8860.
Website: Trans Lifeline (https://translifeline.org/)

Remember, you are not alone, and there are people ready to help you.

Warmly, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
    The Forum Administrator  Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yhaoo.com    cc: @Susan

cc:  @Lori Dee  @Devlyn  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

                TRIGGERS and TRIGGER WARNINGS
https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=247199.msg2262620#msg2262620

  cc:  @Lori Dee  @Devlyn  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

Thanks and love you all.
Hugs, Charlotte x

Just been looking through my stuff and found one of my few songs which isn't in the house genre. Not sure where it fits as just sat down and made it one day. Enjoy x

Rainbow Bridge (https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pwSHa_nNczDZTVYDXPXKfmB3dcTsa5zC/)

    @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:

  It is a catchy and enjoyable tune.... nicely done.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 11, 2026, 03:32:45 PM
Just been looking through my stuff and found one of my few songs which isn't in the house genre. Not sure where it fits as just sat down and made it one day. Enjoy x

Rainbow Bridge (https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pwSHa_nNczDZTVYDXPXKfmB3dcTsa5zC/)

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator

I think it trends toward trip-hop. Add a female dreamy vocal and that's what I'd call it. I like it!

Gentle and soothing. Thanks, Charlotte.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 14, 2026, 10:09:01 AMHappy Valentine's Day!

Thank you so much Chrissy. Happy valentines to you too.

I hope you have a wonderful day with your partner x

❤️Happy valentines to all on Susan's❤️

I hope everyone has a lovely day and hopefully some tasty food!!
😻😻

thanks, Charlotte!

May you and your boyfriend enjoy a lovely day!

Thank you Charlotte!

Chrissy

Today has been quite a nice day. I had my eyebrow microblading topped up. Still my favorite part is how I get to chat girly or just life stuff with the beautician! It feels like my natural place and the conversation just flows. Never felt this comfort in more masculine settings / conversations. Yet here I felt totally at ease as myself, the woman I am. It's these small interactions I find most affirming and magical.

Later I made my boyfriend and me steak with garlic mushroom sauce and chunky fries. Nicely medium rare too. He loves this so that made me so happy. Then a Cadburys cream egg trifle for desert...oh so yummy and divine!

So I think I've won his heart for another year 😊


Now he's wearing the cute Care Bears pyjama's I got him for valentines. I'm in my Hello kitty pyjama's. The important thing...we are now dressed comfortably ☺️ Snuggles to come soon!

Charlotte 😻

Woke up even more dizzy and disoriented than usual this morning. Had loads of nightmares so not surprising.

Not feeling so good a result. Feel both tired and extremely depressed. Oh well just another normal day I suppose

Big Hug dear, yes I had a dreaming night as well.

Hope you're feeling better, Charlotte!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 15, 2026, 06:14:45 AMWoke up even more dizzy and disoriented than usual this morning. Had loads of nightmares so not surprising.

Not feeling so good a result. Feel both tired and extremely depressed. Oh well just another normal day I suppose

Are you staying hydrated? Make sure you are drinking enough water throughout the day. Don't wait until you are thirsty, just keep sipping. Hopefully, that's all it is.

Hugs!

I think I'm hydrated enough though don't drink water to hydrate as I can't stand the taste of it! I don't think I breathe well as I wake up with my nose buried in the pillow.

Feeling very slightly better, though  spent 90% of the day napping. No motivation to do anything really. I find at least if I'm asleep I'm not completely bored and suffering. I wish I was more like a real kitty and could just sleep most of my life! Definitely the correct fursona creature for me, I am very cat like.

Charlotte

Well, you could bat a ball of yarn around on the floor. Chase a fly or a moth (just don't eat it when you catch it).

😁

That all sounds like fun to me and definitely something I'd do at the Cat meet at a furry convention!

Roll on May when I get to do the next one. Can't come soon enough.

Today was the funeral of my boyfriends grandad so it was important for me to get us there safely and be by his side throughout. The service was beautiful and got to say our goodbyes respectfully.

Unfortunately I only met him a handful of times with us having been together for only a year and a half. But enough to know how he supported his family and made a big impact in my boyfriends life.

It was lovely to be fully accepted by all his family and learn a new lesson in dressing correctly for such occasions. I was complimented a few times on how beautiful I looked, so some light in the day. His grandad was very traditional in wanting people to wear black, so I was sure to do this respectfully with a long, low key dress, black tights and black boots.

There are many new experiences in so many different ways as my new self. Each an opportunity to be the best woman I can. I supported my boyfriend throughout which felt very special.

Charlotte 😻

Such a beautiful and somber moment, Charlotte. Your bf and family are so cool. As are you.

Charlotte, I'm so glad you were able to be there in your finest form, representing yourself and your "home family" fully as you. I think that's the kind of authenticity that really allows us to show up and be there for others even in difficult times.

Having had my therapy I've got 2 weeks until I'm discharged due to my case being too complex. At this point I either have to appoint a more qualified therapist at £100 per session. I can't afford that weekly or wait it out and hope my second attempt at getting referred to a psychiatrist through NHS is successful.

Unfortunately I'm still completely disengaged from all my hobbies and activities I used to enjoy. And I still hate my own body and ugly reflection at least 75% of the time. Not sure if my surgeon can perform the miracles needed to fix the fact I'm just ugly. I just got to hope.

Charlotte 😻

That seems crazy to just boot you out due to complexity but I'm not surprised, I was booted out of NHS talking therapies (wouldn't even give me a face to face session) after eight 1 hour long online meetings. Not knocking the girl who did them though, she was great and really helped me. Is something like the online Talking Therapies an option? It's far from ideal and not sure if they can deal with trans issues or not though?

For what it's worth, my hobbies and interests have always changed over the years, I've gone from learning to fly to model making, to cooking, bread making and baking. Then I was onto building road/racer bikes and on to woodworking, but the only one that stuck was photography (even then, I'm not out as much as i want to be). I do vary the genres a bit though and that can keep me focussed (Pun not intended!) I still dabble in woodworking but only in the summer and I'm glad I got into cooking as that's been bloody useful. I suppose hiking has been a constant too if that's a hobby.

My point is that if you aren't engaging in what you used to do, try a new hobby/activity. Keeping interested in something is key to mental health in my (less than expert) opinion. It is when I get stuck in a rut that my mind starts to go to darker thoughts. Maybe try an adult learing course of some sort? Anything to occupy the mind really.

We all look in the mirror and see ugly from time to time. We are often our worst critics. I'm hoping the FFS knife jockeys can perform miracles with me too!

Honestly I've had so many hobbies it's untrue. All follow the same pattern. I go hyper focused on the subject, wanting to spend every moment doing something revolving around it. Even can't concentrate at work because of the intense interest. I stay up late doing it. It's like I can't absorb enough of it.

The thing is that I get very good at these. I make good achievements and progress. I don't usually fail then give up. I'm normally doing good.

Then it stabilises...still interested but at a more normal level outside work on occasions I engage in the hobby. Then suddenly the interest drops...I can't even get the energy or motivation for anything to do with the subject. It feels cold and uninspiring. This is usually about 4 to 8 months.

Then I go down a huge depressive hole for many months after with no engagement in any activities I'm not obliged to do.

The cycle is all I've known since being very young. It's very exhausting. I just need to figure this stuff out.

Charlotte 😻

Well, I don't know if it's normal but that is exactly the same as me Charlotte. I get so involved in a subject that it's all I can do, I buy book after book and study everything I can online, obsessively so....and then I get good at it and the interest wanes. I'm not sure if the challenge diminishing is what drives it or whether I get distracted by the next shiny thing. My therapist thought I might actually be somewhere on the autistic spectrum as this trait is common with that condition (I also have problems with crowded spaces and certain types of noise). I've never taken it further though as I get by

On the plus side mastering new skills is very very useful.

As I said this has been a pattern for me from way back and it's only photography that has been relatively constant. Why not try re-visiting some of the hobbies that you gave up on from a long time ago. That's what I did with both woodworking and photography. There are so many hobbies though you're bound to find something.

Thanks Stottie Girl for sharing. It does sound very similar for sure. You're correct about being common in autism but also very connected with ADHD. For me this is one of the major issues which on its own is pretty tough. It's coupled with major depressive disorder, which I still think is born from Borderline personality disorder. I don't share everything because it's kinda embarrassing and I feel it paints me as a really awful person, but involves extreme envy coupled with low self image as at least part of it. Part of me knows it's irrational but it's very deeply set in the subconscious.

Anyways I'll have to look through my old hobbies and see if anything jumps out.

Charlotte xXx

Yeah, My therapist mentioned ADHD as well but I don't think I fit that description. What is totally clear though is that the UK is woeful on mental health help despite all the media hype and publicity, I actually think it is getting worse and there isn't a lot of sympathy out there with the general public I find. So share away if it helps, nobody on here would judge you I'm sure. Only share what you're comfortable with though and don't forget this is public viewing!

I have been envious of women all my life and have always had a feeling that nobody (of either sex) would find me attractive or that people don't like me when they meet me. It's probably baseless but it's how I sometimes feel and distraction is my way of dealing with it. Not sure if a therapist would think thats a good idea though! probably say it's running away.

To me, it sounds like it is not the subject itself, but the learning process you enjoy. When you get good at it, the challenge is gone, so you move to something else. Maybe, instead of just searching for new hobbies, the key is to find new interests or expand your knowledge on things you already enjoy.

Maybe take a class in music theory, production, or something. You already have an interest in it, and you are good at it. But there is always more to learn. Just something to keep you learning, and that learning becomes useful in your career.

@Stottie Girl I feel a little more at ease knowing I'm not alone in these kind of thoughts and patterns. I wish that you didn't have to suffer them too though. No thoughts are baseless as they mean something to you, but from the outside perspective you are very attractive (inside and out)...anyone would be very lucky to have your attentions!

@Lori Dee I'm trying to find in person groups to attend as I think I need that social boost. Oddly I've been keeping an eye for poetry or lyrics writing as I still need to cook up some vocals of my own. I just dont feel confident, but know a group setting would really help. I've always thrived with peer support. But everything seems to be online. It's so not the same. I've studied evening classes and you end up having a laugh whilst learning. Then you support and cheer each other on.

Charlotte 😻

Aw Charlotte thanks, You're a beautiful human being, don't ever forget that!

Groups and classes are a great move, I'm not much of a "joiner" myself and am a bit awkward socially so I've always found them daunting but when I have gone, I do thoroughly enjoy them. I tend to crawl back into my shell afterwards though! I'm actually giving serious thought to going to a class near me to learn how to make proper Stotties seeing as it's my namesake!

Well seemingly it's getting very close to when I fly for surgery. Been getting ready a few things to take to ensure my recovery is as comfortable as possible. It's literally a tiny bit over 2 weeks away.

Oddly I'm not nervous about the surgery at all. More on edge about getting used to a country I've never been to and hoping I can get everything I need sorted over there. I think the food and such will be nice, but it's one if those places you can be ripped off if you're not careful.

Anyways I'm trying to arrange a speech therapist appointment for when I'm back. I still have issues even sustaining my natural voice clearly let alone a feminised version. I need to see if they can advise any techniques or if I need to see ENT at the hospital. I frequently get asked over the phone if I'm ill with a cold when I'm perfectly fine. So I'm trying to figure something out. Some women have deeper more broken voices so might just need to aim there. I just need advice really.

Charlotte 😻

Not been feeling so good last couple of days, so not felt like interacting much as wouldn't have anything constructive to say.

I had my doctors appointment and again been referred to psychiatric care. Now it's down to if they accept me this time! I hope I can push for it harder this time.

Now on my way for 2 hours of electrolysis down there! That's gonna be...fun!

Tomorrow i've got a furry meet to cheer me up! Deciding if I'm taking Serana, Skittles or Raveronomy to wear! Probably Skittles if raining as full fursuit is not great in the rain.

Charlotte 😻

Well electrolysis down there went very well today. I barely felt it whether that's down to the numbing cream or the fact that Pearl is such a wonderful person, and we just enjoyed 2 hours of wonderful conversation! I suspect the latter was a huge influence on the success.

Although Worcester is quite a journey there and back, my local place charges £300 for 2 hours! Pearl charges less than  half this amount! And I get to go shoe shopping before my session. Bought a pair of Mary janes. The question...socks or not!!

Charlotte 😻

I'm glad it went well, Charlotte. I hope you're starting to feel better and that the furry meet gets you all the way there.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 20, 2026, 10:47:50 AMWell electrolysis down there went very well today. I barely felt it whether that's down to the numbing cream or the fact that Pearl is such a wonderful person, and we just enjoyed 2 hours of wonderful conversation! I suspect the latter was a huge influence on the success.

Although Worcester is quite a journey there and back, my local place charges £300 for 2 hours! Pearl charges less than  half this amount! And I get to go shoe shopping before my session. Bought a pair of Mary janes. The question...socks or not!!

Charlotte 😻

No socks for me but I would wear those hosiery footsies otherwise it can get a bit sweaty (at least mine do).

Quiet really...not felt like posting much or interacting at all the last couple of days. Would love to say things are getting better but to be honest are worse. My house is like one of those TV shows of people that don't clean. Now I know how that happens when you have virtually no motivation to do things you enjoyed let alone cleaning. Oh well at least my immune system will get strong living like this.

My doctor had no hesitation referring me to psychiatry on Friday and totally sympathized. Unfortunately I got to this point before and the gatekeepers refused me treatment. I hope this time it's different as it feels like do or die for me now. I don't have a plan B.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 22, 2026, 11:46:37 AMQuiet really...not felt like posting much or interacting at all the last couple of days. Would love to say things are getting better but to be honest are worse. My house is like one of those TV shows of people that don't clean. Now I know how that happens when you have virtually no motivation to do things you enjoyed let alone cleaning. Oh well at least my immune system will get strong living like this.

My doctor had no hesitation referring me to psychiatry on Friday and totally sympathized. Unfortunately I got to this point before and the gatekeepers refused me treatment. I hope this time it's different as it feels like do or die for me now. I don't have a plan B.

Charlotte 😻

Oh I'm jealous, I wish I could just slob out at my house. Mine's on the market right now so I have to keep it like a bloody show home at the moment! I just want to be able to toss my knickers in a pile on the floordrobe and be done with it!

Great news about the doc, onto round two! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you Charllote. I hope you get the help you deserve. Don't despair. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. But even if they say no, there will be other paths to follow even if you can't see them right now.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on February 22, 2026, 12:42:09 PMOh I'm jealous, I wish I could just slob out at my house. Mine's on the market right now so I have to keep it like a bloody show home at the moment! I just want to be able to toss my knickers in a pile on the floordrobe and be done with it!

Great news about the doc, onto round two! Fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you Charllote. I hope you get the help you deserve. Don't despair. It ain't over till the fat lady sings. But even if they say no, there will be other paths to follow even if you can't see them right now.

Awwww lol...you'd love it here then Stottie! Your description of knickers on the floor is definitely accurate at times. The cats have no shortage of bedding in my bedroom, nesting in any clothes left on the floor!

Thanks for the good wishes. I'm going to push hard to get this referral. I'll complain if I don't get through.

Charlotte 😻

Great news, so far on the mental health referral. Anytime someone denies services or coverage, always ask why and if they can refer you to someone else who can help.

It never hurts to ask.

I got my hormone test results back today. Thankfully increasing my dose has put me up to 330pmol/l E which is better. I'll still push it up later in the year to match expected levels at tanner 4. Also managed to push T down to 0.3nmol/l which is working to keep my sex drive non existant as planned. Will hopefully not get any side effects as it is just within the cis minimum of 0.291nmol/l. Will keep monitoring.

My FFS is getting scarily close now with the final bits sorted ready to take. Literally a week and 2 days then we are flying. I so don't know what any of this is going to feel like, having never had surgery before. I've never stayed in a hospital bed before either! It's all totally new.

Also all my flights and accommodation confirmed ready for next January when I go for bottom surgery. Feels like a lot is sorted. Just got to hold onto my job now to pay for it all.

Charlotte 😻

Exciting times Charlotte!

Sounds like you are ready to go!
Don't worry about surgery, you'll sleep right through it. Just take a nap and wake up with bandages. Pay close attention to the details of your after-care plan. You will want to heal quickly with minimal scarring.

Good luck!

What Lori said. You sleep and then you wake up, and it's done. Just don't try to be a superhero afterward. No matter how good you feel, your body has healing to do, and it requires rest (and hydration!). Give that love to the body you're trying to coax into alignment.

Honestly not sure how much longer i can do these 14 hour work days with driving. I feel exhausted now, keep coming up in sores, bad skin and all sorts. Eating at 8pm is no good either.

Honestly I'm really not enjoying work or life at all. I wish I was much older and  didn't have this time left. I can't bare another 10 years of this existence let alone 20-30 years. I've no choice though cos i have a partner. Wish I'd stayed single  would have made this all much easier.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 26, 2026, 02:29:15 PMHonestly not sure how much longer i can do these 14 hour work days with driving. I feel exhausted now, keep coming up in sores, bad skin and all sorts. Eating at 8pm is no good either.

Honestly I'm really not enjoying work or life at all. I wish I was much older and  didn't have this time left. I can't bare another 10 years of this existence let alone 20-30 years. I've no choice though cos i have a partner. Wish I'd stayed single  would have made this all much easier.

14 Hour work days aren't fun, I feel your pain. When I worked for British Gas there were often 12-13 hour shifts (with driving) but then you had to be on call until 8:00 the next day and sods law those were the nights you would get called out! It actually triggered a mental breakdown and I ended up leaving and changing careers (again!). It's not an easy thing to do but it definitely helped me. Now I've found somewhere I love working again.

I've got 16 years left of work before retirement age but it honestly doesn't seem as bad now.

Maybe there's a better fit out there for you somewhere? I wouldn't jump until you have somewhere to go but maybe have a look at possible career changes, maybe you could work for your self even? I did for 15 years and it was nice to be in control of your own destiny. You're definitely not too old to retrain I'm living proof of that.

Chin up Charlotte and think about the FFS and the new you.

The main issue is I can't really afford a £20-30k pay cut to go into something else. I'm basically overpaid where I am. I've changed career a few times, can't say I've really enjoyed any of them. Tolerable maybe, but enjoyed never!

I enjoy a lot of things when there is no pressure or requirement to interact with people. I'd totally enjoy my job if the stress and people contact was removed!

I think the stress of self employment would finish me off for sure. I worry 24/7 about everything! And still would need to interact with people too much.

I'll see how the FFS turns out. It's a bit of an unknown variable.

@Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
  WOW-zers.  Your profile picture is lovely,
showing a beautiful woman.
Many HUGS,
Danielle

I've gone from a highly paid job at BG to a very low wage job and frankly I've never been happier. As long as you can pay the bills there's more to life than money. Of course you're able to get FFS and I can't afford it so there's that! Maybe somewhere in the middle is your happy place?

I found self employment to be less stressful actually until COVID happened and I nearly went bankrupt but who could have seen that coming!

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on February 26, 2026, 04:58:13 PM@Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
  WOW-zers.  Your profile picture is lovely,
showing a beautiful woman.
Many HUGS,
Danielle

That's very kind of you Danielle. Thank you, means a lot. I only wear glasses to read and work so don't have them on in most pix. X

Quote from: Stottie Girl on February 26, 2026, 05:06:30 PMI've gone from a highly paid job at BG to a very low wage job and frankly I've never been happier. As long as you can pay the bills there's more to life than money. Of course you're able to get FFS and I can't afford it so there's that! Maybe somewhere in the middle is your happy place?

I found self employment to be less stressful actually until COVID happened and I nearly went bankrupt but who could have seen that coming!

Thanks and I definitely keep looking for sure. I'm still paying off my student debts so unfortunately wages don't go so far and paying my mortgage until I'm 65 as only got it in my 40s. I can probably take a cut in about 3 years after paying my student loans off and my debt for FFS and GRS.

My partner can't work so I'm also essentially paying for two people. Add to that my mortgage will go from 2% to probably over 3.5% next year.

I just don't know what I'd do that's not in my current industry.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 26, 2026, 05:24:37 PMThanks and I definitely keep looking for sure. I'm still paying off my student debts so unfortunately wages don't go so far and paying my mortgage until I'm 65 as only got it in my 40s. I can probably take a cut in about 3 years after paying my student loans off and my debt for FFS and GRS.

My partner can't work so I'm also essentially paying for two people. Add to that my mortgage will go from 2% to probably over 3.5% next year.

I just don't know what I'd do that's not in my current industry.

We all have that dilema Charlotte. I've changed careers 3 times and it's always been the same. Who will have me, what can I actually do. Truth is you will have a very useful skill set if you break it all down. I just sat down and thought, what do I enjoy doing and then looked for a job that matched that. Once I decided that I looked into re-training. You don't always have to go to university to re-train either. It might mean starting at the bottom again though so you need to work out how low you can go. I am fortunate in that I own my house with no mortgage and come from an age when you got student grants not loans so it's easier for me I suppose.

Unfortunately I still got 12k of student debt, 110k on the house owning and 25k other debts. Student loan is costing me nearly 500 per month alone. Honestly I could go down to 50k a year at lowest if I stayed in and did nothing. But most entry stuff us below that and I have zero savings. Pay in this country is ridiculously low and stagnated!!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 27, 2026, 01:51:07 AMUnfortunately I still got 12k of student debt, 110k on the house owning and 25k other debts. Student loan is costing me nearly 500 per month alone. Honestly I could go down to 50k a year at lowest if I stayed in and did nothing. But most entry stuff us below that and I have zero savings. Pay in this country is ridiculously low and stagnated!!

50k? Come and live in the North East, You could live like a queen on that up here!

Unfortunately my ex left me with 18k of debt, so along with my surgeries I'm pushing 850 a month just to debt!

Then electrolysis and laser is about 150 a month at mo. Other is mortgage, bills, food for both of us, various insurances and such. Fuel to work, car costs and all sorts.

I'll be very well off once those debts are clear and I'm not paying 500 a month student loan. I just got to choose holding my stressful job with zero money worries or a lesser job with more money worries.

In 3 years I will have more options I think, as my student loan will be close to paid and my debts too. I'm getting as much transition stuff done now as I can, because business is really unstable, so I could be out of a job any time. Also have 10 years of  service so would get big payout if I was let go! I'd lose that if I moved.

It's probably more I need to hold out until my position is stronger!

I've considered a certain site where fans subscribe to see pictures, but I don't have the best looks! Although may still try when I'm more transitioned. Then I could take less hours!!

Charlotte 😻

Debt's a bitch I must admit. I've been in a debt spiral when I was young and daft, it's no fun. At least it sounds like you're making headway with it.

I'm now stopping taking my oral HRT as it's a week before surgery now and to reduce clot risks. They asked me to do it two weeks ago, but no way I was stopping HRT that long. Thankfully have a little bit of spray estradiol left so going to switch to that for a couple of weeks.

Gonna pack clothes soon and it seems weather in Istanbul is similar to here so at least I don't have to think too much about what I take. Just my normal outfits are good.

Desperately trying to avoid all the ill people at work as scared they won't do my surgery if I've got a cold. Using gel and washing my hands constantly!

Got to sort the house as someone is coming to feed the cats while we're away. I'm not sure they'd even enter the house as it is. Been at least a month since hoovering or cleaning of any kind!

Charlotte 😻

It's getting real Charlotte! Won't be long until a new you.

While you have the vac out can you nip round my flat and give it a once over as its been 10 days since I did it!!!!

It's very strange as some of my desires and fears have changed since my transition. I never really wanted any tattoos in boymode and was terrified of the process.

But since transition I now have the desire to get some of my arms and upper body tattood. I really see a lot of beauty in women with them, which again in boy mode I wasn't really bothered either way.

I wonder if this is common for your stylistic outlook and also bravery to change with HRT!

I'm going to get my two kitties I've lost done with some flowers I think. I very much miss them. One was very much my best friend. It might sound silly, but a bit of my soul was lost when each of them went.

(https://i.postimg.cc/zf9nCw9C/20240518-064948-2.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/tTNYshb8/IMG-20170409-112454.jpg)

I was the opposite. Right before I entered the service, at 18, I let my brother tattoo my initials on my shoulder. It looked bad, but it was from him. Ten years later, my tank call sign was "Moon Dragon," so I got a dragon tattoo to cover up the initials.

Now, I don't care for it, but I am considering having it colored purple with a blue tint. I haven't looked for an artist yet. It is not very high on my priorities list.

Wait until after surgeries before getting a tattoo. Some surgeons freak out over fresh tattoos.

Quote from: Lori Dee on February 28, 2026, 02:39:23 PMWait until after surgeries before getting a tattoo. Some surgeons freak out over fresh tattoos.

Oh it won't be for ages. I need to get all the hair removed on my arms, back and chest yet. It's thinned but not gone. Unfortunately I have hair on literally every part of my body including fingers and toes. I think I reached puberty early and had high testosterone ☹️

Might still need time for the HRT to complete it's magic Charlotte. I now have pretty fine body hair and it's pretty much female pattern (might help I'm blond I suppose). The hairs from my ankles to my toes have disappeared, same with my upper arm and back hairs along with my "ahem" happy trail but these results took well over three years to achieve. Thin, fine arm and leg hair is also perfectly normal for women, that's why there's a whole hair removal industry out there! I actually find shaving my legs very afirming.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on February 28, 2026, 05:00:57 PMMight still need time for the HRT to complete it's magic Charlotte. I now have pretty fine body hair and it's pretty much female pattern (might help I'm blond I suppose). The hairs from my ankles to my toes have disappeared, same with my upper arm and back hairs along with my "ahem" happy trail but these results took well over three years to achieve. Thin, fine arm and leg hair is also perfectly normal for women, that's why there's a whole hair removal industry out there! I actually find shaving my legs very afirming.

I'm honestly not sure how long HRT takes to completely stop hair growth in those areas. Maybe it does need longer. I'm not quite a year yet.

The leg hair I'm already getting removed as shaving it causes deep sores that dont heal, last months and then turn into purple dark patches on the skin that haven't gone in nearly a year. I got about 50 of them, mostly higher up.

I'm hoping with getting the hair removed maybe the marks will go and won't look like a battleground!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 28, 2026, 04:35:57 PMI need to get all the hair removed on my arms, back and chest yet. It's thinned but not gone.

In case you aren't aware, that isn't a requirement for a tattoo. They just shave the spot they will be working on. If you let the hair on the kitty tattoos grow, it will make them 3D.

🤣

Of course! I just want the hair gone first otherwise I can't laser once tattood!

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on February 28, 2026, 05:11:22 PMI'm honestly not sure how long HRT takes to completely stop hair growth in those areas. Maybe it does need longer. I'm not quite a year yet.

The leg hair I'm already getting removed as shaving it causes deep sores that dont heal, last months and then turn into purple dark patches on the skin that haven't gone in nearly a year. I got about 50 of them, mostly higher up.

I'm hoping with getting the hair removed maybe the marks will go and won't look like a battleground!

Well you do you Charlotte, Transition seems to be a marathon not a sprint though, some things do just take time. It's easier for me to be fair as I'm not presenting full time.

I assume you have tried shave gels etc? Have you tried waxing instead?

Hair on my chest has almost vanished, not that I had a lot to start with. Still shave my arms and fingers but it grows slow so once a week. I just use a bar of cheap soap and my old face razor blade and that works for me. It just takes the HRT time to work.

trigger warning

Mentally this week has been tough and getting worse. I'm not sure I really want to be part of any my trabsition, here, work, or life anymore. I don't know who I really am.

I've been mostly covering up my real feelings which I'm doing great at considering every minute I'm broken in pieces. I don't know how much longer I can put on this front, showing up, prerending to be positive whilst, inside, I feel zero positivity and am enquiring for the chemical I need to make it stop. I don't know if I want to do it or not. Maybe having the means will give me comfort. Nothing else is making this better.

I fear I've either got to leave my bf with no one which will destroy him or continue a life of complete misery. I don't remember what it's like to be happy.

I don't even know what would make me happy anymore. There is nothing I truely want, no place I feel truely comfortable, no place where I fit in. Everyday is intense boredom and tiredness if this world. I try to be excited about stuff but nothing is exciting. Honestly you could offer me a holiday to anywhere...I wouldn't care. It feels dull and uninspiring.

Sorry to go off on one but I need to be honest that no one sees the real me. Just a picture that I paint to curate the nice, happy, positive thing that people want to see and like. But I'm only truely positive and happy maybe 2% of the time. When I want to I'm great at constructing the person people want to see. I just make the ideal front, behave as people expect and say what they want to hear.  But it's exhausting.

I dont know why I'm saying all this.  No one really wants to hear it, but I've been bottling it uo and I'm at my wits end right now.

Maybe I haven't killed my male self enough yet. It's his fault, he afflicted me with this brain  and this hell. Well the part that I didn't inherit from my emotionally unstable father, but he is long dead thankfully. But them my male self is a part copy of the mess my dad was...completely emotionally unstable and also suicidal.  So unless I ca  kill him that resides in me I can never be free. I feel like I'm possessed by his cruelty and pain

Or maybe I really am possessed, like by a demonic entity that's determined to break me from the inside. Ensure every living second is just miserable. I've considered in desperation many times seeing a medium. Seeing if I've got some kind of attachment as it would explain so much. If I could  remove it I could finally after 40 odd years live my life and be normal. Not this disgusting freak creature that's got no living hope. That's just lying to itself that it'll ever be happy.  Everyone just lies to it and pretends it'll be happy. It will never be. Especially as there is literally no point t at all to existing.

Please please please just make it all go away.  Just stop tormenting me everyday from morning til night. I just want my mind dead and gone. Silence, peace. All this grinding noise, chaos and thouts to go. It's like a drill constantly rattling,never stops. What is peace. .I don't know. Even haunts my dreams. Hell doesn't come after death. It's here already.

Charlotte, I can't fully understand what you are currently going through, you are clearly in a dark place at the moment but I have been through my own depression, I can empathise. I would imagine many others on here will be the same. I hope you are able to get professional help with this and if you aren't getting it you need to demand it. I tried to fix myself and just ended up having another breakdown, the professionals are there for you but so are we in this group, if you need to vent your thoughts then do it on here. putting your fears, worries and thoughts in writing can help massively. There are also other services and groups out there if you need them, things like the Samaritans etc. They could be your advocate in getting you access to better care if you need it.

But know this, you are not a freak, there is nothing disgusting about you. You have been a warm, welcoming friendly voice for me in this place. I was terrified when I started making my first posts on here but you have been a constant. It was not an act, I do not believe you were pretending at all. I think that is the real beautiful you shining through.

Let us know you are ok.
.

Charlotte, keep writing. We hear you.

I hope the darkness that you feel begins to erode with every step of your journey.  Do things for yourself. Get your nails done.  Go for a massage. Buy something special. Exercise.  Go for a walk. Meet new people.  Do anything and everything to destroy the darkness in your life.

You are tough, and you will get through this!

Thank you both. I really needed to get that out of me. It's really been boiling up in me for days. You're right it's good to get it in writing however dark...I need to figure this out as I'm up one minute then s mile down the next. But writing this had really revealed a few things to me. I'm having a screening call with psychiatry on Thursday, I will be taking noted from this to share with them. It's hard because I forget how I feel when I hit the bottom. I need something to reference so they take me seriously.

I try to be a good person. I'd rather hurt myself than anyone ever. I had to go and get cat food today, so that got me out with my boyfriend. Decided to get a coffee together and that's joined to the art gallery so we went in there too.  That's helped calm me a lot thankfully.

There was some beatiful art of what looks to be a strong woman, like a dominatrix holding a whip tight. They looked very strong and beautiful. The shadow colours and hot pinks used in the painting were beatiful. I want to feel the strength that they portray. But underneath they could have their own fears...they could be gentle and sweet. But this display is strong and dominant. It makes me think about how we present vs. our inside. Maybe part of life is that juxtaposition of inner self and outer presentation that we adapt every day of our lives.

How as one do we moderate our true selves and feelings with our aspirations, but also the expectations that we might need to meet.

I suspect this is further complicated by finding a new feminine identity that yet I still don't fully know.

Another thought...can HRT be like real puberty? For example make me stressed like a teenager but aged 44? If this is the case it could be antagonizing my existing issues making them worse.

Anyways thanks for the kindness. I hope one day you and my bf can see a less messed up person than right now.

Charlotte 😻

Thanks for letting us know you're alright.

It's absolutely a second puberty, that's exactly what it is, emotions are all over the place for a bit.

You sound like you have an eye for art and you definitely have an eye for colour, Have you tried your hand at creating art as a release?

My therapist told me to write all my dark thoughts down in a little black book (I still have it) then close it and do not look at it again until a day or two later. I then had to review it objectively and see if I felt the same way and/or whether I needed to do anything about it. It sounds simple but it really helped me. After a while I started forgetting to review it and the entries were getting less frequent. I knew then I was getting better.

Charlotte, thank you for sharing yourself with us, all of you. We all know that we contain multitudes, so nobody (reasonably) expects you to be eternally upbeat. That's just not how life is or how humans work.

I love Sarah's suggestion of journaling your thoughts (exactly what you've done here) and then re-reading them a day or two later to reinforce your awareness that these things do occur in waves - and that there are positive experiences between them.

A couple of months after I'd begun HRT, my wife and I had a pretty serious conversation during which I became a bit... emotional. After I had calmed some, she very delicately asked me to consider that the hormones might be affecting my mood, which was, of course, obvious. So try to be conscious, too, of the high likelihood that your emotional state is being amplified by chemicals. It doesn't make your thoughts and feelings any less valid, but it's something to try to keep in mind.

Ultimately, we are so much more than our thoughts, and we spend far too much time in our heads. Know that we love you and are here for you - no matter what you're feeling. You don't have to be anything specific to be appreciated by us.

Charlotte, I echo what Sarah and Pema are saying.

I went through a bout of deep depression a while ago. The issue turned out to be that my hormones were too low. The reason puberty is a rollercoaster is that hormones are constantly rising and falling. They are not causing the feelings, just making us more sensitive to them. We feel them more and interpret that as feeling them more intensely.

In my case, it was not the hormones but that I was experiencing symptoms of PTSD more acutely. My PTSD had not been diagnosed before that, so this really put the spotlight on it. We got the hormone and vitamin levels sorted, and my therapy sessions switched from gender dysphoria to addressing the PTSD.

In that process, journaling was part of the therapy. By writing down my thoughts and feelings, I could refer to them later in session. My psychologist then pointed out how they were all connected to what I was experiencing.

You don't need to put on a show for us or keep a happy face all the time. You are human, and you have thoughts and feelings too. You are a beautiful person inside, and that is who we love.

Hang in there. You are tougher than you know.

Reading all your thoughts about HRT I'm starting to think that a combination of HRT, but also that period where I broke down due to work stress has essentially made what I've been masking no longer bearable. It would make sense as to the resurfacing of some past trauma.

It feels very similar to Lori's account. In her case PTSD was brought to the forefront and needed to be addressed. In mine most probably BPD or something in the same kind of area. These stem from past trauma albeit very different types of experience. For me was worst ages 4 to 7, which is particularly a problem as main survival and personality schemas develop at this time. So mine is warped to fit a danger I no longer face, manifesting as personality disorders.

I basically lived in a lot of fear after being lifted up by my throat, strangled against a wall at home by my dad, being smothered in a blanket at play school regularly so I couldn't breathe, humiliated getting smacked with my underwear down in front of the school assembly....the list goes on. This was all aged 4 to 7. I didn't even think anything of it at the time. I just thought I deserved it for being naughty.

Charlotte 😻

I had my final session with my therapist today. As explained before they can't support me long term due to the complexity and specialism of what is going on in my head. I have a triage call on Thursday with the psychiatric service where I need to really get my need for assistance across.

Luckily my therapist has helped me figure a few things out. Mainly that what I'm feeling is real and certainly not anywhere near the spectrum of normal thinking. But also to recognise  how I'm feeling deep down and where this probably stems from. I'm  dangerously unable to self validate and self regulate, so my whole existence is at the mercy of external influences and events. I don't want to be this way and can see how insanely irrational it is. But this has been the cornerstone of my personality for 35 years or more. I'm now trying to break away and construct a new existence with me living for what I really want. Not what I think is expected of me and not what will get me a reaction that I need to feel that I have any value above nothing.

Well I'm going to try and just find time to get to know Charlotte. I'm not setting any goals or expectations. I plan to spend time walking, finding opportunities to meet people and just live as the new me. I feel I need to try and learn what Charlotte wants from life as it isn't maybe what Chris wanted from life...maybe I mistakenly thought they would be the same! She needs space to be and find herself.

So that's the plan. Some months of relaxing and getting to know my new self. Pushing to get professional help to sort my messed up psychological schema out into something less self destructive. I've volunteered to help at my local pride in the summer too. Get out there and just be me...just be Charlotte.

You have all helped me so much through this,  and for that I'm truely thankful. I know I'm a real handful and high maintenance at times...I'm trying to fix it. The lack of judgement and support here is really helping me to feel a little more belonging. Something I've always struggled to accept without questioning why or if I really deserve it.

Love Charlotte 😻

That's a really upbeat post Charlotte, nice to read. Sounds like a good session was had today. Everything you are proposing to do sounds great to me.

You need to do a bit of soul searching and discover what Charlotte's needs and wants are instead of the old you. They might match, they might not, but she has been repressed for too long. This is something I am battling with so I won't pretend I have all the answers!

Sarah

Thanks Sarah for your kind words of support. I think somewhere under all the noise I forgot I'm becoming a new me. A me I need to get to know.

You mention similar experiences. Getting to know who Sarah is and her needs. I hope that is going ok for you too and that you enjoy the journey. I think there's got to be some excitement to be found in this process for sure!

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, you deserve it all.

Obviously I didn't know you until you came here in October, but what I've seen in those 4 months has very consistently been a person who is genuinely trying to confront the obstacles that have prevented her from knowing true peace and satisfaction with her life. And in that very short time, it seems to me like you have made some pretty significant discoveries and changes and are clearly moving in the direction of self-love and liberation. That's hard work for anyone, and you're doing it.

I don't think of you as "a handful" or "high maintenance." You're a real person - and a solidly good-hearted one - who's sharing her inner life with us as it happens. I sincerely feel honored to be a witness to your journey.

You are so loved.

Pema

Thank you very much Pema. You along with all my other friends are angels for sure. Eternally sweet and compassionate.

Lots of love, hugs and smiles to all.

😻😻Charlotte😻😻

I so can't wait until Friday when we fly for my surgery. Literally this time next week I'll be out of hospital and in the hotel. Not sure how I'll feel one day after surgery...I imagine uncomfortable but ok.

My bf is stressing about if I don't make it through. I think his autism exacerbates these kinds of things. I've explained to him it's highly unlikely I'll die. Still I think he worries deep down as I'm his first relationship, he's really happy and he doesn't want to be alone again which I get.

I'm sure I'll be fine. Their medical system is probably more modern and better than in the UK to be honest.

Charlotte 😻

There are always risks to any surgery, but the surgical team knows how to manage them. Just tell your bf that you will be in expert hands and there is nothing to worry about. He still will, but that reassurance might be what he needs.

Remember that 90% of the things we worry about never happen.

Well that's it...all packed, all funds ready and passports in my carry on! Literally ready to go.

One more day at work tomorrow then will soon be flying to Istanbul! Looking forward to getting there and having a couple of days to explore and try the local food before I go for surgery.

The nurse has been in contact and I will be looked after by a team including my surgeon and his wife. She helps ensure I'll be looked after and am comfortable. Everyone has been so friendly, which echoes the reviews about them being extremely friendly and caring. That's very important to me. I can't wait to meet in person.

Hopefully I can soon share some pictures and experiences.

Charlotte 😻

Good luck! Do you need an ETA to travel there?

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn on March 04, 2026, 04:14:51 PMGood luck! Do you need an ETA to travel there?

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you. Fortunately visa exempt including medical for 90 days.

Charlotte 😻

I'll be thinking of you the entire time, Charlotte. It sounds like you're in excellent hands, so put your trust in the collective consciousness. Know that we are with you.

Good luck, Charlotte!

Have a safe trip and enjoy the pain meds.
😆

Thank you both 🙂 Not been this excited in a while.

C😻

Good luck, Charlotte.

Alana

Wishing you all the best and a swift recovery my dear. Yawl be bostin !!

Thanks both for the kind wishes 🙂

I also have some positive news regarding my mental health. I had my screening call today for psychiatric support. They have referred me for a more in depth screening.

I'm not there yet but it's one step closer than last time. Also I can have this face to face. I find that much better as I open up more and they can see the pain in my expressions.

So when I return I will be pushing my heart and soul out to them. There is no doubt I need more specialist help. I will do everything to get it.

Charlotte 😻

Good luck and best wishes for your trip and surgery.

Sending big hugs and warm wishes! All shall be well, Charlotte.

I genuinely wish I could be there to cheer you on, but I know you'll handle it fine.

I'll be waiting here for you on the other side, sis. It's going to be great. We're so lucky to be able to get these life-changing procedures!

Best of British and safe journey Charlotte, sorry I'm late to wishing you well on your adventure.

When I was growing up FFS wasn't a thing, it is amazing what they can do for us now, so exciting.

I can't wait to see the new you!

Thank you very much to all my beautiful friends for the kind words. I'm now chilling out ready to gt out very early tomorrow to fly. Thankfully the missile going through Turkey has not stopped flights going there, so everything is still on.

Honestly I can't believe in 2026 we're still doing this...fighting...firing missiles at each other. It's exhausting. Such a waste. I just feel sad for humanity sometimes. We could achieve so much,  yet achieve so little.

Wishing love to all and praying for some peace and healing in this world.

Charlotte 😻

I think I have been remiss not visiting your blog before now, Charlotte.

I got a message from someone earlier saying Turkish airspace was closed due to the US-Iran thing, but I hope that is not the case, and things will be okay. I have some catching up to do. You seem like a genuinely good person.

I put it down to me not being a cat person, lol. There are exceptions. :P

Quote from: Sephirah on March 05, 2026, 06:28:58 PMI think I have been remiss not visiting your blog before now, Charlotte.

I got a message from someone earlier saying Turkish airspace was closed due to the US-Iran thing, but I hope that is not the case, and things will be okay. I have some catching up to do. You seem like a genuinely good person.

I put it down to me not being a cat person, lol. There are exceptions. :P

Thank you for venturing to the dark side where the kitty lives! Hope it's not too scary for a non cat person 😺

I try to be good and kind. Often completely broken, but never would want to hurt anyone.

All official channels still say Turkey is ok. Just keeping fingers crossed

Charlotte X

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 05, 2026, 06:49:20 PMThank you for venturing to the dark side where the kitty lives! Hope it's not too scary for a non cat person 😺

I try to be good and kind. Often completely broken, but never would want to hurt anyone.

All official channels still say Turkey is ok. Just keeping fingers crossed

Charlotte X

We are all broken, Charlotte. It's all good. <3

I think it's more that cats don't like me. Dogs... I can pet the most vicious dog where their owners were like "WTF how did you do that?"... I dunno. Maybe because that's my affinity. Cats... they always hiss and try to claw at me. When I didn't even do anything!

I had a cat as a pet when I was a little kid. She was an adorable little black bundle of "I love you". Maybe because I got her as a kitten. But... these days, I am more like something out of The Omen, lol.

ANYWAY! That's not the point. The point is... I wish you the best, sweetie. It will all be worth it.

Well I used the ladies in the airport. My first time using a busy toilet facility. Was nervy coming out of the cubicle face to face with two other women. But I did ok.

Walking out one lady coming in uttered the words Jesus of mercy. Can't help think this was directed at my presence!

Still I'm ok. I just need to grow my confidence

Loved the fact that one of the fragrance sellers correctly sprayed me with the women's perfume and my bf with the men's 🙂. That felt good!

Charlotte 😻

So... funny story. My wife and I were walking into our apartment building in Barcelona, and this older woman was coming out. She looked at us and made the sign of the cross on herself! 🤣

A few days later we were sitting in the bank lobby waiting for an appointment and another old lady was in line. We made eye contact and I smiled, because that's what I do, and she just shook her head sorrowfully. 😂

That's been about the only grief we've had in Spain, and it's telling that it only came from the elderly. And I'm saying that as a 64 year old.

Side note, my wife had hair transplants done in Turkey, she said the flight back was full of people with shaved heads and baseball caps. :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Almost there, Charlotte!
So glad your BF will be by your side. And it is so cool the perfume vendor recognized you right off!

Quote from: Sephirah on March 05, 2026, 07:00:12 PMWe are all broken, Charlotte. It's all good. <3

I think it's more that cats don't like me. Dogs... I can pet the most vicious dog where their owners were like "WTF how did you do that?"... I dunno. Maybe because that's my affinity. Cats... they always hiss and try to claw at me. When I didn't even do anything!

I had a cat as a pet when I was a little kid. She was an adorable little black bundle of "I love you". Maybe because I got her as a kitten. But... these days, I am more like something out of The Omen, lol.

ANYWAY! That's not the point. The point is... I wish you the best, sweetie. It will all be worth it.

A lot of cats just need time to accept you in their circle. Mine is a bit schitzy with newcommers but after a few visits she's pestering them for treats. She never hisses at strangers but she does growl at one of neighbours, I suspect he did something to deserve it but I can't be sure!

Dogs are funny, Sometimes I can love them and think they're cute and other times I think they want to kill me! I was attacked and bitten on the face when I was 2 or 3 so maybe they're picking up that i'm a bit wary. Got bitten on my arm twice last year, I was just walking down the street and a dog walking the other way just jumped up and bit me. Maybe I smell of cat?

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 06, 2026, 03:00:23 AMWell I used the ladies in the airport. My first time using a busy toilet facility. Was nervy coming out of the cubicle face to face with two other women. But I did ok.

Walking out one lady coming in uttered the words Jesus of mercy. Can't help think this was directed at my presence!

Still I'm ok. I just need to grow my confidence

Loved the fact that one of the fragrance sellers correctly sprayed me with the women's perfume and my bf with the men's 🙂. That felt good!

Charlotte 😻

Very brave Charlotte and good for you! There will always be people who react negatively particularly after our media has whipped them up into a frenzy, it is their problem not yours. I wonder if the reaction will be different in Turkey?

Ahhh cats and dogs hey...I get on brilliant with both. I guess I just love critters hence why I dress up as them!

@Sephirah with cats the slow blink is the answer. That's cat for "I love you and respect you". Many times a shy cat can be summoned with that one. Also cats are more like human friends in that you earn their appreciation and trust. The reward; sometimes the most amazing friendship and trust ever. My turkish angora Chica was my best friend. We could feel pure love with a glimpse of the eyes, I miss her dearly.

Dogs, well just need to treat them very well. They are eternally loyal.  Tickles in the right places, food and play - they're yours. Even better, run around with them and have fun. I can send dogs into a wild play frenzy like that 😀

@Devlyn I'm like you...If I catch someone's gaze I smile, it's just instinct and mostly lands very well. A smile, hi or nod back. But I know the kinda response you mention. If they could cut you with that look they would. Just laughing it off really, it's a bit sad but more their problem.


Thanks all for the kind wishes from all. Istanbul is, well very different! I feel wide open walking around as a trans girl. Got a few looks and heckling from some drunk blokes. But I dont feel unsafe. I get the impression I'll occasionally get some minor hassle. Well I can take that. I'm not sure how I'd feel alone around all the bars here at night.

Charlotte 😻

I'd say something about eyes in the back of your head...but heading into FFS let's not even go there! 🤣

Hugs, Devlyn

Well whatever you do stay safe Charlotte, we want you back here in one piece!

The slow blink, that's elite level cat knowledge there and so true. Cats know cat people.

Dogs seem to me to be like excitable toddlers (you can tell I haven't had any kids!) whereas cats will only be your friend and be with you on their terms and if you are worthy.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 06, 2026, 03:00:23 AMWalking out one lady coming in uttered the words Jesus of mercy. Can't help think this was directed at my presence!

I choose to believe that she was blessing you, praying for the success of your procedure. How kind!

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 05, 2026, 06:49:20 PMI try to be good and kind. Often completely broken, but never would want to hurt anyone.

I want to address this comment from a different perspective. I don't believe anyone is broken, especially completely broken. I think we all face challenges to being whole and at peace. Some people's challenges are more numerous and more challenging than others'. That doesn't make anyone broken.

The fact that you're aware of your challenges, you're identifying them and their causes, and you're doing what is in your power to confront and overcome them tells me that you're a survivor, someone who's committed to self-growth and becoming everything you can be in this lifetime. To me, that's the furthest thing from being broken that I can imagine.

Showing other people that moving forward is often extremely difficult is being genuine, not being weak. What you are sharing here is a gift for many others, most of whom we will probably never meet. They are not broken, either.

Thanks for the kind messages sisters! I'm definitely taking care and needed a little time to settle...was a bit too tired to put much on here yesterday.

@Stottie Girl I'll mostly come back in one piece. Just minus some brow bone which is going for good!

@Pema I appreciate the kind words. I definitely have a few challenges and tough as they have been there most of my life and probably at least partly hereditary. But you're right I'm trying and always will. Sometimes I can't help give up for a bit, but always jump back up.

I share for a few reasons really. First I really value the help that the community can give me to heal. It does make a difference, so thank you. Writing my feelings down helps to contextualize them. Takes the weight off my mind and allows me to see them for what they really are. That's invaluable too. Lastly I really believe that mental health or any health should not be seen as taboo or embarrassing. I want to present a culture of openness where anyone can feel free to share their feelings. Of course it's up to the individual, but if my content helps one person share their struggles, then I've done something worthwhile.

Today I had pre-op tests. Everyone is really friendly and I met my surgeon face to face. I feel very comfortable with this team looking after me, as I felt at ease for every step. I also successfully transported the huge amount of cash safely from the UK to pay.

We enjoyed a traditional Turkish breakfast this morning at 7am. Was so nice we're going again tomorrow. This evening we visited a small local restaurant serving traditional Turkish food, well off the tourist trail. One of the proprietors is trans, so knew we'd be comfortable there and get to enjoy authentic cuisine. The staff were so beautiful and welcoming so very happy. The food was amazing.

Tomorrow more exploring! Seeing so many Istanbul kitties treated like royalty and invited into all sorts of places. Then a good sleep as I'm collected 6.30am Monday to be taken for surgery!

Charlotte 😻

That's a stroke of luck finding a trans friendly restaurant! Did you just wander in or did you know before hand?

Transporting the cash for FFS sounds a little risky, do they not do bank transfers!

Enjoy tomorrow and I'll cross my fingers, toes and eyes for you so it all goes smoothly on Monday for you.

Keep us posted

Sarah xx

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 07, 2026, 01:00:59 PMThat's a stroke of luck finding a trans friendly restaurant! Did you just wander in or did you know before hand?

Transporting the cash for FFS sounds a little risky, do they not do bank transfers!

Enjoy tomorrow and I'll cross my fingers, toes and eyes for you so it all goes smoothly on Monday for you.

Keep us posted

Sarah xx

I looked for LGBTQ friendly places and this restaurant came up. Just happens it's run by a trans Woman. Even better that it's a proper local place, so got that authentic taste. I love the food here.

I could have paid bank transfer but the 10% surcharge itself would have been near £1000. Not an amount I can just ignore!

Thanks for the wishes. Surgeon has asked me to do lots of walking tomorrow. Guess it helps avoid DVT.

Charlotte 😻

Good luck, Charlotte!

Hope all goes well and you heal up quickly. A new you awaits just on the other side of a nap.

If you visit local LGBT+ organizations' Web sites you can often find recommendations for restaurants and service providers.  There are notations of transfriendly too at times.
There are also other lists of transfriendly providers. 

I am unsure how this may work out outside of the USA, but to give an example, put in your Web  broweser this search string

transfriendly denver


You will see examples for that area. 

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 07, 2026, 12:34:37 PMTomorrow more exploring! Seeing so many Istanbul kitties treated like royalty and invited into all sorts of places. Then a good sleep as I'm collected 6.30am Monday to be taken for surgery!

Charlotte 😻

That's really cool. People only get ants in their pants, as it were, when they're riled up to think that way. People are just people. The more folks understand that, the better off we all are.

I will be sending you what healing energy I can next week, Charlotte. It will be okay.

  @Charlotte Kitty
Dear Charlotte ...
Along with my church gals lunch group on Sunday afternoon tomorrow I have already
started praying for your successful surgery and that your healing will be quick.
 
When you are able, please keep me and the rest of your avid followers updated.

Many Hugs,
Danielle[Northern Star Girl]

I hope all goes well for you.


Chrissy

Keeping everything crossed for you my dear XX

Getting some nerves now as this time tomorrow I'm gonna be mid op, which is feeling scary. But the good wishes are so appreciated.

I'm presenting fully female in my dress. Had breakfast this morning which was lovely again. Even better, afterwards the waiter said we could have a free turkish tea each. So more than accepted I feel actually appreciated. I'm guessing it's because I smile, show that I love the food and attempt at least some of my communications in Turkish. Of course I tip too.

I really find if you're kind, smile and try your best people show you kindness regardless. Being trans didn't come into it. I'd certainly say I've had no problems here fully presenting.

Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/9M3Nj3Zr/20260308-101500.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/prLfwkGd/IMG-20260308-133814-447-3.jpg)

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 08, 2026, 05:35:37 AMI really find if you're kind, smile and try your best people show you kindness regardless. Being trans didn't come into it. I'd certainly say I've had no problems here fully presenting.

Yeah that's kind of the thing. It doesn't matter so much who you are, more how you are with most people. Most people don't care if you're trans or not. Only if you treat them decently. It's only the vocal minority that makes it an issue. As they say... the smallest dogs bark the loudest.

It will all be okay, Charlotte. You will be fine, sweetie. <3 You will get through it with no issues and then document your recovery.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. <3

Signing off now...it's 20.15 here. I'm going to finish my cup of tea, take my Zopiclone so I sleep, then up at 6.15am tomorrow.

Meet my surgeon at 7.30 then 8.00 for surgery!

Thanks again for all your kind words, encouragement and support. Love you all so much.

Catch up again when I'm feeling up to it xXx

Charlotte 😻

I'll be thinking of you Charlotte!

Sarah xx

Same, thinking of you.

Good luck! We will be here for you.

Massive hugs, Charlotte!

I'm all ok. Was 7 hours under and I can't see well because of the swelling around my eyes! Successful op though.

Charlotte 😻

Sounds positive!

Hugs,


Chrissy

Yay! Speedy healing!

Hugs, Devlyn

Take it easy and heal. 💚

So good to see you again, Charlotte! Rest well and heal quickly. Hugs!

Excellent news. Thank you, Charlotte. Please rest and heal.

Glad to hear. Thanks for the update.

Take it easy and rest up. We aren't done with you yet.

😀

Time to catch up on some sleep now!! Wishing you a quick recovery XX

I can't wait for an update, Charlotte. The next 3 days will be the worst, but you'll get through it and everything will improve on a daily basis. I'm there now and you will be, too!

Thanks to all my beautiful sisters for the love and encouragement over these days and months. I'd have struggled without you all.

Today I'm feeling a few hundred percent better! I feel normal apart from the annoyance of swelling! I'd say the blepharoplasty and rhinoplasty are the most uncomfortable. I guess as having a blocked nose and swollen eyes is pretty debilitating functionally!

My surgeon said my brow bone was huge, so had to make a template using a 3d computer model to execute this surgery. It's hard to see as everything is covered and swollen but I hope it's been successful. My blepharoplasty and rhinoplasty weren't really feminization per se, but hopefully will improve my appearance. Eyes were so severely hooded I could do little with them.

When my partner walked me through the hotel reception the receptionist called over to ask if 'the lady' has been checked into the room. That's the first time since my transition I've experienced anything this good! I hope I can experience something like this again as I've been waiting forever,  hoping one day it would happen.

Can't wait to get the dressings off!

(https://i.postimg.cc/Px7qBL2Q/20260312-144916.jpg)



Charlotte 😻

@Charlotte Kitty
Dear Charlotte:
You are a brave girl for going through all of this, but when the swelling goes down and your healing nears completion I am certain that you will know that it was worth doing in order for you to feel that your are the woman that you were desiring to be.

Thank you for sharing and posting.  All of your readers and avid followers are eager to see and read your updates as you feel comfortable sharing.

Wishing you quick healing and recovery.

      ❤️

MANY HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Charlotte, it's so good to see you. I'm thrilled that you're on this side of it all and that you can now heal and reveal your new look.

Welcome back.

It's so good that part is over.  Now it's just the healing and recovery.  It's good to see you.  💚

Aw Charlotte that looks sore but the important thing is it's done! It's just a waiting game now.

I can't wait to see the new you emerge. Thanks for sharing

Sarah xx

Congratulations on the surgery Charlotte. I cant imagine having all those surgeries done together. At least it gets it over with quickly. I had a Rhinoplasty and the first week was annoying as heck, not being able to breathe through my nose. Had eyelid surgery a few years back and it was equally annoying. No bone work done yet.
   Your a brave girl. Before long the beautiful 'new' Charlotte will show through. God speed on your recovery.
Hugs Gina

Feeling very tired today still. Even somewhat regretful of all my decisions so far in transitioning, as worried  not going to ever feel like the woman i want to be. Have i done the right thing? Chasing something i can never reach? I just feel very male at moment. Dunno maybe I'm just gender fluid or still suffering too much mentally. Let's see what I feel like later. I guess I know I hate being any resemblance of male, falling out very heavily with masculinity of any kind, my bf being the only exception. But it's exhausting chasing the impossible.

Charlotte 😻

I am thankful however fot all your kind words of recovery and care. If nothing else, I feel loved here, which is a big thing in the world as it is. I generally feel mostly unwanted these days aside from here and my boyfriend.

I Love you all too. So very much. I just want a better life for all of us in this life. It just feels such a distant dream.

Charlotte 😻 🩷🤍🩵

Isn't post surgery regret and depression a common experience?

Based on how you say you feel about the male'ness, I cannot see how the end results of this can be anything other than positive for your mental health and well being. You will be amazed when the swelling and bruising goes, I'm certain of it. Don't get too down. Have a read of Courtney's post on FFS, She is ahead of you and seems to be starting to get really upbeat and excited now the pain and swelling is starting to subside.

I'm sure there are many girls on here who can share their experience or who already have on older posts.

You aren't alone in this Charlotte.

Give it some time, Charlotte. Intense, prolonged pain often results in us questioning our choices. The pain and discomfort of surgery will eventually fade, while the pain of hiding only becomes more intense as time passes. In a few months, you will be glad you did it.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Charlotte, congratulations on your surgery!  The post-surgery second-guess is part of the healing process.  In fact, the entire transgender experience is about second-guessing.  Just remember, actions speak louder than words, and...


Stay tough and take good care of yourself.  You deserve it!

Warm hug,

Emma

Charlotte!

Well Done Brave Sister! You will be amazed at all the things your courage shall bring you in days to come! Let "Patience" be your mantra through the healing process and may every bit of your journey ahead be blessed!

Onward!

Ashley 💕

Thanks for all the kind words. My surgeon met me today and personally removed my nose tampons and drains. I feel alive again now. Everything has gone to plan and I'm recovering.

But the best bit I love about being abroad...I'm in a coffee shop having a chai latte and the music...it's deep techno playing!! I feel alive again. I wish it was like that in the UK!

Charlotte 😻

Each step gets you closer, sister. I don't think there will be one that suddenly puts you in an "AHA!" place. I suspect that over time and with a series of adjustments, you'll just stop thinking about it and one day realize, "Oh, wow. It happened while I was going about my life, didn't it?"

You're on your way. It is happening.

So glad your day is off to a great start, Charlotte! Enjoy.

Charlotte, we're all so proud of you. You're doing great! And yeah, fear and doubt are pretty normal, unfortunately. From the little bit of experience I've had, I can tell you it's been a bit of a roller coaster for me. I was looking at my huge, swollen jaw yesterday and was feeling pretty down. Just a couple of days earlier I was read as female in the grocery store! And today, I'm feeling very happy, excited and hopeful about my future.

I think it's important to approach this knowing that there will be "down" days and that we must prepare for them. But there will also be "up" days. You have done something for yourself that I believe will shift that balance. When a down day is happening, just know that those hungry little worms in your brain will soon get full and will move on for a bit. Don't worry about the unflattering picture you took today (especially if the lighting is bad!). You'll find that it was just not your day. This is an experience cis women have!

And heck, it's WAY too soon for us to try to assess the changes and what they mean. It is going to take a couple of months for things to settle down. Give yourself a pass until then.

Anyway, please continue to take care of yourself and continue to heal and please tell those worms "not today!"

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 13, 2026, 09:12:59 AMThanks for all the kind words. My surgeon met me today and personally removed my nose tampons and drains. I feel alive again now. Everything has gone to plan and I'm recovering.

But the best bit I love about being abroad...I'm in a coffee shop having a chai latte and the music...it's deep techno playing!! I feel alive again. I wish it was like that in the UK!

Charlotte 😻

There's got to be some cafe's in the UK that are playing Techno surely!

Thanks to you all you sweeties. I just had some lovely Turkish food tonight and even catching myself like this in the lift mirror, I saw a woman. My side profile is definitely improved.

I think you're right @Courtney G there are definitely these niggling doubts in our own minds like worms. And going by your experience this is totally normal. You're a few days ahead so your experiences are so valid for me too. BTW I had my drain tubes pulled out like you did. OMG it felt awful! But so liberating to not be like a Frankenstein monster with tubes and balls attached!!

My surgeon is so sweet always meeting me in person with his wife. Then gave me a big hug and said I look beautiful. Just what I wanted from a surgeon.

@Pema I'm sure there will be a day when everything just fits and feels right. That'll be so sweet when it comes. But I do want to keep some queer magic, that little identifier of my history.  Just dont know what that'll look like yet.

@Stottie Girl this cafe is just like a typical Costa in the UK. I think abroad electronic music is much more consumed than the UK in general places. Pop is all encompassing in the UK. But less so in some places.

Hugs to all xxx
Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 13, 2026, 12:44:35 PMThanks to you all you sweeties. I just had some lovely Turkish food tonight and even catching myself like this in the lift mirror, I saw a woman. My side profile is definitely improved.

I think you're right @Courtney G there are definitely these niggling doubts in our own minds like worms. And going by your experience this is totally normal. You're a few days ahead so your experiences are so valid for me too. BTW I had my drain tubes pulled out like you did. OMG it felt awful! But so liberating to not be like a Frankenstein monster with tubes and balls attached!!

My surgeon is so sweet always meeting me in person with his wife. Then gave me a big hug and said I look beautiful. Just what I wanted from a surgeon.

@Pema I'm sure there will be a day when everything just fits and feels right. That'll be so sweet when it comes. But I do want to keep some queer magic, that little identifier of my history.  Just dont know what that'll look like yet.

@Stottie Girl this cafe is just like a typical Costa in the UK. I think abroad electronic music is much more consumed than the UK in general places. Pop is all encompassing in the UK. But less so in some places.

Hugs to all xxx
Charlotte 😻

It's a far cry from the nineties and noughties where it was everywhere in the UK.

I want to hear more about the food! I love Turkish food!

I worked for two months in Istanbul as a jazz musician in a fancy nightclub. Not as glamorous as it sounds; the music business doesn't pay very well. I met some nice people, learned a few Turkish words and played a lot of music. I didn't have the time or funds to buy fancy dinners but I did enjoy some take-out from the small vendors who got to know me a bit over time.

Quote from: Pema on March 13, 2026, 01:01:07 PMI want to hear more about the food! I love Turkish food!

I had Şefin Tabaği which was this really tender stewed meat in a sauce served with rice and beans. Kinda like baked beans but much nicer. I've been on soup until today, but this was so tender and tasty for me to try now.

Obviously I've been snacking daily on Turkish delight too. I really want another Turkish breakfast before we leave. The food has been a real highlight!

I do not think I have ever had Turkish food.

Charlotte,


Your hair looks nice.


Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 13, 2026, 03:20:59 PMCharlotte,


Your hair looks nice.


Chrissy

Thank you so much Chrissy. Really appreciate the compliment. You're so kind and beautiful always and from you I learn a little more gratitude every day.

Charlotte xXx

Beautiful x beautiful = rather special. :)

I swear Turkish Delight is kind of only appreciated in the UK, because of the ads, lol. With the camels and giant sand dunes. By people in suits who had no idea what they were doing, haha. :D Proper Turkish Delight isn't covered in chocolate. And doesn't quite taste like soap!

Everything is healing according to my visit today. Removed dressings from my eyelids today. Now I can actually see my upper eyelids for the first time despite being swollen still. Finally my eyelashes don't touch my upper hoods constantly!

The scalp area is healing fine although still slight fluid lingering underneath which I've been advised is not unusual. Hopefully it will reduce over the days and not get worse at least.

I got the before and after picture done in the operating room before dressing and swelling. The brow bone and nose is outstanding. I'm so eager to see them when the covers all come off!

(https://i.postimg.cc/MpyD8BB1/IMG-20260314-WA0000.jpg)

Excellent news, Charlotte!!!  You look great.  Your nose is so cute!

Quote from: Sephirah on March 13, 2026, 08:18:57 PMBeautiful x beautiful = rather special. :)

I swear Turkish Delight is kind of only appreciated in the UK, because of the ads, lol. With the camels and giant sand dunes. By people in suits who had no idea what they were doing, haha. :D Proper Turkish Delight isn't covered in chocolate. And doesn't quite taste like soap!

Shamelessly I do quite like Fry's Turkish Delight even though I don't cut mine in half with a scimitar! Real Turkish Delight is better though I conceed.

Wowzers! Charlotte what a transformation! 😍😍 You've got to be pleased with that! That has to be worth the effort and money. The brow change is dramatically good! You have a ski slope scandi nose like mine now!

I'm so chuffed for you!

Wow, Charlotte, looking amazing! I want your nose!

Thanks all for the kind affirmations.

Yes I'm so happy with the result. Looking at this Pic and myself walking around in mirrors, it's very apparent how dramatically my forehead and nose were stopping me look feminine. I didn't expect he'd be able to do such a good job so I'm really shocked. I think I'd have struggled to get anything near where I want to feel without this surgery.

I don't think I'll need jaw work at all. Feels done to me.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 14, 2026, 10:31:42 AMThanks all for the kind affirmations.

Yes I'm so happy with the result. Looking at this Pic and myself walking around in mirrors, it's very apparent how dramatically my forehead and nose were stopping me look feminine. I didn't expect he'd be able to do such a good job so I'm really shocked. I think I'd have struggled to get anything near where I want to feel without this surgery.

I don't think I'll need jaw work at all. Feels done to me.

Charlotte 😻

I don't think you need any jaw work Charlotte, you don't seem to have a strong masculine jawline at all.

Beautiful! I'm so happy for you, Charlotte.

I am thrilled that you're pleased with it, Charlotte. In the end, that is what matters most by far. I'm so happy for you.

Looking good, Charlotte!

Thanks for sharing your update.

Good result my dear XX

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 14, 2026, 10:31:42 AMThanks all for the kind affirmations.

Yes I'm so happy with the result. Looking at this Pic and myself walking around in mirrors, it's very apparent how dramatically my forehead and nose were stopping me look feminine. I didn't expect he'd be able to do such a good job so I'm really shocked. I think I'd have struggled to get anything near where I want to feel without this surgery.

I don't think I'll need jaw work at all. Feels done to me.

Charlotte 😻

Sounds very good Charlotte!

Chrissy

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 14, 2026, 10:31:42 AMI think I'd have struggled to get anything near where I want to feel without this surgery.

Oh, Charlotte. This is SO relatable. We're both feeling the same way. This is a new beginning for both of us! (hugs)

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 14, 2026, 10:31:42 AMI don't think I'll need jaw work at all. Feels done to me.

And I just need a new nose! Haha. I agree with you and with the science. I'd been reading about how important the forehead and brow are, and you and I are living proof.

@Courtney G Thanks and it really is so cool that we got to pretty much go through this together and both get the much desired results to help us be the beautiful women who we truely are. Well not that we weren't before but now the icing on the cake.

I'd really love you to get the nose that you want too, as you really deserve it. You've gone through so much towards this,  now it needs to happen for you. Hopefully soon right? Guessing part of the next phase? Besides you're still beautiful right now 😊

On a side note I'm really glad I was financially limited here. I could have had other procedures at the same time; I couldn't have handled it. These were enough. The recovery would have been tough with more. I'd say try to think through which senses and capabilities are disabled by each procedure. Losing multiple faculties is the hard bit, more so than the pain. If you can see and breathe easily then life is so much better!! Sleep is the other thing. Getting comfortable is so hindered by surgery. A lot for perspective surgery seekers to consider.

I'll write up some detail in the surgery section soon with my two pennies worth. Just about the experience and what each procedure offers.

Charlotte 😻

Yes, I have a second procedure coming in a few months that will seek to address my remaining concerns. I have a consult for it in a little under a month.

I've been thinking of doing a write up along the lines of "FFS: expectations and preparations" in the hope of better preparing others. Maybe we could start a new thread and toss some ideas around and the mods might use it as the basis for a FAQ?

Quote from: Courtney G on March 15, 2026, 07:22:14 AMYes, I have a second procedure coming in a few months that will seek to address my remaining concerns. I have a consult for it in a little under a month.

I've been thinking of doing a write up along the lines of "FFS: expectations and preparations" in the hope of better preparing others. Maybe we could start a new thread and toss some ideas around and the mods might use it as the basis for a FAQ?

Glad to hear you'll be all done then by end of 2026 by the sounds of it.

Sounds like a good plan. I'll start getting some thoughts down as can probably help people both make good choices but also know what they might be in for! There's a lot out there but I think we can add some detail especially comparing what we had done in two completely different countries!

Quote from: Courtney G on March 15, 2026, 07:22:14 AMYes, I have a second procedure coming in a few months that will seek to address my remaining concerns. I have a consult for it in a little under a month.

I've been thinking of doing a write up along the lines of "FFS: expectations and preparations" in the hope of better preparing others. Maybe we could start a new thread and toss some ideas around and the mods might use it as the basis for a FAQ?

Please do Courtney. I know it would help me, I'm sure others will feel the same.

Swelling and throbbing have increased a bit on my upper forehead this afternoon.  Bit warmer too. I'm praying this is just part of the process and not infection. I'm in tomorrow for dressings off so got a couple of days to sort it if indeed is anything abnormal. Still doesn't stop me worrying!

Charlotte 😻

I felt a warmth that is only now starting to recede. It was even hard to stay cool at night while sleeping.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 15, 2026, 08:21:59 AMPlease do Courtney. I know it would help me, I'm sure others will feel the same.

I've started a thread here: https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=253476.0

With the help of others, I hope to create a useful document for those who are either looking at procedures or who are in the planning stages and could use some info.

Perhaps if one has a giant nose it may be problematic, but women have noses of various sizes, as do men.

I had all dressings removed today so it's nice to have most of my face and head exposed. They put a cover back on my nose though. I think noses are fragile for long time so they're being cautious. That will come off Wednesday my last day here.

Unfortunately I have to use this greasy antibiotic gel on my wounds. I get my hair nicely clean and it just gets greasy with this in a few hours. Can't wait until I can wash and condition it and it stays that way!

My forehead and temples are still very tender to touch and some warm swelling still. Hurts to touch but generally pain free if left alone.

I think it'll be a few weeks yet before I can be my full feminine self with my hair as I want it. Lost a few clumps too.

On Thursday morning we fly home.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 16, 2026, 12:37:24 PMI had all dressings removed today so it's nice to have most of my face and head exposed. They put a cover back on my nose though. I think noses are fragile for long time so they're being cautious. That will come off Wednesday my last day here.

Unfortunately I have to use this greasy antibiotic gel on my wounds. I get my hair nicely clean and it just gets greasy with this in a few hours. Can't wait until I can wash and condition it and it stays that way!

My forehead and temples are still very tender to touch and some warm swelling still. Hurts to touch but generally pain free if left alone.

I think it'll be a few weeks yet before I can be my full feminine self with my hair as I want it. Lost a few clumps too.

On Thursday morning we fly home.

Charlotte 😻

Another milestone passed Charlotte. They do seem to be taking good care of you.

Have a safe trip home. Then you will be able to relax and heal up.

The worst is almost over!

Seems like recovery is going well Charlotte!

Great news!



Chrissy

I'm so happy for you, sis!

I seem to be losing breast size as I can't fill  my B cup bra anymore. I don't know how much of the size is related to fat. I'm already eating 5 packs of biscuits a week along with donuts and deserts with my main meals yet I can't get above 83kg anymore. I used to be 95kg in boymode and it all went with HRT.

I need to work out how to gain fat! If indeed that would help.

Charlotte 😻

Well overnight my head seems it's switched it's healing phase. The tenderness has reduced by a huge amount and far less liquid. Some swelling keeps coming back overnight around my eyes, but progress at day 8 seems to be as expected.

I'm hopeful tomorrow will be a successful completion and just long term recovery for a few months to go.

It won't  be long until I'm making preps for GRS in February next year. After this my ops are complete, unless my breasts fail to materialise in which case I'll come back here for implants.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte,


Be patient with the breast development.  I went from not needing a bra (except for my wanting to need one) to a firm chestnut nodule right behind each of my nipples to a little bit of fat surrounding that.  Over time, in spurts, nice rounded breasts.  Even their size did not match occasionally! 

Now they remain roundish, firm, B sized, and so nice to have.  If you want bigger, and sometimes I wish mine were, then continue to be patient but there may be a point in time when you think they just will not grow more.  Give it time.

What amazes me is when I hear that some moms give as a present to their daughters a boob job while their girls are still in high school.  I hope the stories are fake. 

I want two inches off my bellybutton area and/or two inches added to my hip area for sure more than full C cups.  We shall see if my body ever responds, but I know my bone structure will not change, and I doubt these lower dimensions will.  Unless I get overweight all over my body.

I am continuing to wonder if I will ever have the lower surgery and may discuss that in my blog.

I hope your recovery is as comfortable as possible.  Also that you can pay off the credit before piling on more for other procedures.  Debt is usually not a good thing but at times it can make sense to use.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 17, 2026, 08:15:12 AMCharlotte,


Be patient with the breast development.  I went from not needing a bra (except for my wanting to need one) to a firm chestnut nodule right behind each of my nipples to a little bit of fat surrounding that.  Over time, in spurts, nice rounded breasts.  Even their size did not match occasionally! 

Now they remain roundish, firm, B sized, and so nice to have.  If you want bigger, and sometimes I wish mine were, then continue to be patient but there may be a point in time when you think they just will not grow more.  Give it time.

What amazes me is when I hear that some moms give as a present to their daughters a boob job while their girls are still in high school.  I hope the stories are fake. 

I want two inches off my bellybutton area and/or two inches added to my hip area for sure more than full C cups.  We shall see if my body ever responds, but I know my bone structure will not change, and I doubt these lower dimensions will.  Unless I get overweight all over my body.

I am continuing to wonder if I will ever have the lower surgery and may discuss that in my blog.

I hope your recovery is as comfortable as possible.  Also that you can pay off the credit before piling on more for other procedures.  Debt is usually not a good thing but at times it can make sense to use.

Hugs,

Chrissy

Thanks Chrissy. Wearing a bra is one of the first things that made me feel so good as a women, so I did even when I had only AA cups. Something about putting it on each day is so special. I already had a lot of lingerie, swim suits and such I tried in boy mode. Being able to fill the cups somewhat felt so great when the time came!

I think the depth remains but roundness fluctuates just like you describe. Sometimes really round and others quite pointy. For now I fill the gap with those triangle foam fillers. They work ok.

With regards lower fat, I've heard that fat cells can take 5 to 8 years to to relocate. Considering that getting that lower hip shape can be the very last part of your feminine body to form. I'm not sure how long you've been on HRT, but hopefully may still expect a chance at getting what you desire? It would be lovely if you did to avoid surgery too.

Recovery is good thank you for asking. I feel really tired though. I think behind the scenes my body is using a lot of energy now!

Charlotte 😻

Safe travels, Charlotte!
You're almost home.

Feeling exhausted all day at moment.  Within an hour of getting up I'm feeling my eyes close and want to lay down. Had a nice walk but now Feeling exhausted again. I'm guessing this is just some kind of healing going on. Anyways my flight is checked in for tomorrow then home. Got the weekend and back at work Monday.

Charlotte 😻

Take it easy dear, at least you have a few more days to recover.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 18, 2026, 04:28:03 AMFeeling exhausted all day at moment.  Within an hour of getting up I'm feeling my eyes close and want to lay down. Had a nice walk but now Feeling exhausted again. I'm guessing this is just some kind of healing going on. Anyways my flight is checked in for tomorrow then home. Got the weekend and back at work Monday.

Charlotte 😻

Seems normal. I've experienced a lack of energy overall, with a few "up" days and some down ones. I'm feeling energetic enough now but I can only go for a limited time before my battery runs out.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 18, 2026, 04:28:03 AMFeeling exhausted all day at moment.  Within an hour of getting up I'm feeling my eyes close and want to lay down. Had a nice walk but now Feeling exhausted again. I'm guessing this is just some kind of healing going on. Anyways my flight is checked in for tomorrow then home. Got the weekend and back at work Monday.

Charlotte 😻

Take it easy Charlotte, I hope you aren't rushing back to work too soon. Can you not work from home for a bit at least?

@Stottie Girl Unfortunately I need to get back Monday. I'll be ok I'm sure. I survive everything in this life it seems!

Charlotte

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 18, 2026, 08:50:51 AM@Stottie Girl Unfortunately I need to get back Monday. I'll be ok I'm sure. I survive everything in this life it seems!

Charlotte

I bet your workmates are going to get such a shock! it will be like "who's the new girl"? ha ha!

Recovering from anesthesia can take a long time, even weeks, to get it out of your system. It shows up as Courtney described, where your batteries just don't last as long. Any exertion can wear you out quickly. Take your time and rest when you can. Healing and sedatives are a lot for your bodies to handle. Just give it time.

Hugs!

Well that was emotional. Had my last check up at surgeons clinic and did some social media stuff for them. Got to play with the little Pomeranian that belongs to them and say goodbye to the team. Lot's of hugs including from my surgeon. Really treated well, like I matter and part of the family.

I've loved being here and the care and hospitality of the Turkish people has been just outstanding. Such a beautiful experience, I'll never forget this.

Charlotte 😻

Back home safe but with it the deep depression 😿

Charlotte X

Hang in there, sister. You'll get through this.

I'm not sure. Getting home has just validated that I hate my house, my life and my job. Being away from all 3 I had no depression symptoms.

How much of that is the contrast to the euphoria of being in a new and wonderful place, having the life-changing medical procedure, and being cared for by beautiful and loving people? It's hard to compete with that.

Are there even tiny forks in the road of your life that you could take that might seem to lead only to inconsequential improvements but might potentially reveal entirely new vistas with unknown paths? (The answer is yes, but we have to be open to seeing them - and taking them.)

Alison Gopnik has a great TED talk about how babies' brains are open to absolutely everything and how, starting at about age 6, we're all conditioned to stop doing that and focus on what we're told we should. But we have the capacity to return to it. I think we'd all benefit from becoming a bit more like babies.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 19, 2026, 09:06:49 AMI'm not sure. Getting home has just validated that I hate my house, my life and my job. Being away from all 3 I had no depression symptoms.

Your life is changing big time Charlotte the best is yet to come, don't get down petal! It will soon be warming up and Spring is starting up all over now. The days are getting lighter. The birds are starting to pair off. What's not to love when you look at the bigger picture!!

Your house and job, well they are also things you could change if you wanted to. You don't have to live with the status quo.

Chin up pet, you're further down the road than I am at least!

Thanks @Pema I will take a look and see what I can get from it.

I think I've enjoyed literally spending each day chilling on my bed, a couple of walks out, get food and that's it.

Now I'm faced again with a house I've not cleaned for several months due to lack of motivation. The cat has peed in 6 different places around the house forcing me to clean more. I look at my house and have no care or love for it. No desire to make it a home. I haven't for a few years. I don't know why.

Work I'm absolutely terrified to return to as I only associate it with pain. My stomach feels like dropping on a roller-coaster every time a call or email comes in, as I'm terrified of the next big problem coming in. I'm not joking it's literally that feeling of your stomach coming up. Even my coleague gets the same now. I think 5 panic attacks at work have messed me up.

On top of this I think it's driven by BPD / ADHD too which certainly causes loss of interst in doing things you once loved.

Anyways I'll look at that video now and continue to push for the help I need now I'm back.

Charlotte

Thanks too @Stottie Girl. I am certainly looking forward to my walks out again for the spring.

I think really I honestly don't want to adult anymore. I can't say I like anything of it. Especially when motivation is at zero and has been so long. I fall out of love with every job and house I get. I think  I lose interst in everything very quickly and they just become a burden to me.

Like above I feel hsppy now doing...nothing. I'm not sure why I've become that way but it seems so. I need to get into my appointment Monday and push to the next stage.

I think several things are at play here now.

Charlotte 😻

It's good to see you home safe.  Sorry you are dealing with all the rest.  Hopefully you're healing well and will soon see the difference it makes for you.  You are in our thoughts.  💚

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 19, 2026, 11:45:11 AMThanks too @Stottie Girl. I am certainly looking forward to my walks out again for the spring.

I think really I honestly don't want to adult anymore. I can't say I like anything of it. Especially when motivation is at zero and has been so long. I fall out of love with every job and house I get. I think  I lose interst in everything very quickly and they just become a burden to me.

Like above I feel hsppy now doing...nothing. I'm not sure why I've become that way but it seems so. I need to get into my appointment Monday and push to the next stage.

I think several things are at play here now.

Charlotte 😻

Nowt wrong with doing nothing on a lazy day from time to time Charlotte! You'll be super tired from the flight too don't forget. Have yourself a little power nap if you like but I bet you'll feel rosier in the morning.

I know you were getting your surgery but it was also a bit of a holiday too and everyone gets the post holiday blues. How's the recovery going anyway? Is there more of the new you emerging?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 19, 2026, 12:23:49 PMNowt wrong with doing nothing on a lazy day from time to time Charlotte! You'll be super tired from the flight too don't forget. Have yourself a little power nap if you like but I bet you'll feel rosier in the morning.

I know you were getting your surgery but it was also a bit of a holiday too and everyone gets the post holiday blues. How's the recovery going anyway? Is there more of the new you emerging?

Some slight reduction in swelling but the bruises still very bad. Plus I look a bit run down. I put some concealer and BB cream on as we're going to see Hoppers as last night at cinema. It softens rather than hides the bruises. Plus hard to do my hair with stitches in and tenderness. I look ok. Got some way to go but so much better.

Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/0546jf9w/20260319-165606.jpg)

Hey, look at you Charlotte! That is quite the transformation. Love the top too.

Actually you look like you have your war paint on!

You do look... sad, Charlotte. It's in your eyes. I am so very sorry, sweetie. I can only offer a big, massive hug and to say... look at everything you've done to get to where you want to be, sweetie. If you can change one thing, you can change everything.

It's all inside you, okay?

You've got this. I believe in you.

TRIGGER WARNING

Thanks @Sephirah and all. Hoppers was fun to watch with my boyfriend which at least helps. Honestly deep inside I am very sad though as you identify. Partly I'm still tired from surgery. I put on a smile and happy exterior a lot of my life, but the intense darkness is always just one slight downer or stress away from all consuming me again. I'm getting angry on top of it and smashing things up too. Now got a broken mirror and door to sort. I'm on the edge 24/7.

I feel at the end of the line. Either somehow I sort my mental health or one of these breakdowns will be my last. I've visited that banned website so many times now that I even know exactly what I need. It kinda brings me comfort playing through the process. Knowing i have that ultimate control.

I need to rest soon and hope I have enough energy to feel better tomorrow.

Love and hugs
Charlotte

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 19, 2026, 05:02:17 PMTRIGGER WARNING

Thanks @Sephirah and all. Hoppers was fun to watch with my boyfriend which at least helps. Honestly deep inside I am very sad though as you identify. Partly I'm still tired from surgery. I put on a smile and happy exterior a lot of my life, but the intense darkness is always just one slight downer or stress away from all consuming me again. I'm getting angry on top of it and smashing things up too. Now got a broken mirror and door to sort. I'm on the edge 24/7.

I feel at the end of the line. Either somehow I sort my mental health or one of these breakdowns will be my last. I've visited that banned website so many times now that I even know exactly what I need. It kinda brings me comfort playing through the process. Knowing i have that ultimate control.

I need to rest soon and hope I have enough energy to feel better tomorrow.

Love and hugs
Charlotte

Charlotte, trust me, sweetie, I know extremely well how you feel. How I feel inside isn't how I want to be with others a lot of the time. Especially places like here. So I don't. I can see it in others, though. I have an intensely dark side, too.

I always say, you can't have the light without the dark, though. The brighter the light, the darker the shadow it casts. That's kind of just how it is.

Sorting mental health is a hard thing, Charlotte. Break it down into small steps. That helps. Do you have anyone you can talk to? I don't mean necessarily about trans issues. But just how you feel? That helps, sweetie. And if it helps you, you can always shoot me a PM. Even just to vent if that's what you want to do. To get it out of your system. I don't judge and I can listen. :)

If not... take it one step at a time, sweetie. Nothing is so broken it can't be fixed, okay?

*extra hugs*

Felling quite swollen and tight this morning around eyes and nose. However I think this is expected sometimes for a few weeks at least. Need to do shopping later, but resting for now.

Added a couple of pix from my surgery travels. One in the park the day before my surgery. Then playing with the cute dog in my surgeons office. Others are a few showing me from the morning after surgery to a few days later to see how it is!

Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/W1WmCw6k/IMG-20260320-095725-501-2.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/vZkg5qtr/IMG-20260320-095725-677.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/Y2dS1DpF/20260310-091133.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/jjhTRC2j/20260312-123803.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/vTJkrdTq/image.jpg)

Hugs to you from me dear, there must be somethings that are positive so focus on those. You need a distraction to keep your mind busy like a new hobby .

Looks like you are healing up quickly. The bruising seems to take the longest to go away. It scared me a bit when they turned from green to yellow, but I just used some arnica cream to get them to finally go away.

I love the pink top too.

You're well on your way back - to a new you. I hope you continue to feel better with every day.

My wishes are the same.

You will be better!


Chrissy

You are another person here who has an amazing smile, Charlotte. It seems to be a common thing among Susan's members. Those times where you allow yourself to smile, it lights up your whole face.

Hold onto that, okay? Whatever else is going on. *hugs* I like to think that is the essence of who you are. Not the things you're dealing with.

Also that pupper in the second picture is quite possibly the most adorable dog I have ever seen!

Thanks so much for all the love, my friends ❤️

Today I've woken up a bit down again, but seeing everyone's words has softened me up a little.

@Sephirah You are right that inside my soul there is this happy, optimistic woman. It's weird because I lash out, fall, down deep holes and such. But this little bit inside is optimistic and makes me keep getting up. It doesn't die, it just gets buried in frustration. I just want to understand and find a way out of this pridon in my head.

I do love to smile but i can't force it. Ususlly something small and silly makes it come out. If you ask anyone that's worked with me they'll say I'm that funny, happy, goofy and together person. I think that's who I am inside, but am troubled by my own mind. I just want to be silly, childish and funny all the time really.

Well tonight I'm planning to goto my local trans meet up. Hopefully I'll feel in the mood for it. Still bruised and swollen. I'll look a bit of a mess though.

Charlotte 😻

A smile goes a long way.

Make one so!


Chrissy

Charlotte,


I hope your sores do not bother you today much.  I suppose discomfort comes and goes.

I also hope your evening event goes well.  Maybe you will take your cat's ears?

Wishing a speedy recovery for you of course still.


Hugs,


Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 21, 2026, 10:32:37 AMCharlotte,


I hope your sores do not bother you today much.  I suppose discomfort comes and goes.

I also hope your evening event goes well.  Maybe you will take your cat's ears?

Wishing a speedy recovery for you of course still.


Hugs,


Chrissy

Thank youuu so much Chrissy. I'm feeling mostly ok at moment. I decided not to wear my rec dress as my face is still a mess. I need to feel 100% to pull off the red satin number with cat ears. There will be a time soon....that's for sure!

I've gone with a tartan goth style dress as that plays better with bruised eyes!!

I'm hoping to still have a nice evening and I think I look ok considering.

Hugs Charlotte xx

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I get it. So much of this, transition, life, is so hard sometimes. And the excitement and euphoria over taking that big step with surgery has to wane a bit. I'm experiencing that now, that "what now?" feeling. Plus, I'm looking at my face, thinking "this is it?' despite everyone telling me to be patient and wait for the swelling to recede.

But all things must pass. There's a way forward, always. One day at a time.

Quote from: Courtney G on March 21, 2026, 01:04:00 PMOh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry and I get it. So much of this, transition, life, is so hard sometimes. And the excitement and euphoria over taking that big step with surgery has to wane a bit. I'm experiencing that now, that "what now?" feeling. Plus, I'm looking at my face, thinking "this is it?' despite everyone telling me to be patient and wait for the swelling to recede.

But all things must pass. There's a way forward, always. One day at a time.

Thanks Courtney 😊  But so sad to hear you're struggling too. In bursts I'm seeing the improvement...just very subtle. I'm absolutely sure that as the swelling goes we will both see the next level we desire. Hopefully we will get some positive affirmations in the next few months, being seen as our true genders.

You're right...it's such a high. But with that comes the low. Sending you much love and hugs.

Charlotte 😻

Went to the trans meet as planned. It was ok...I managed to speak to a couple of people which was nice. But then later I struggle to socialize as I'm terrified to just talk to anyone. Got really overwhelmed then just sat quietly. I do wonder if I'm autistic because everything I explain to my boyfriend who is autistic, he says he feels too. He keeps telling me he thinks I am considering his lived experience.

The plot thickens, I'm feeling there are a lot of issues with me that should have been resolved decades ago. Seems socializing is still off the cards for me.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 21, 2026, 05:28:37 PMWent to the trans meet as planned. It was ok...I managed to speak to a couple of people which was nice. But then later I struggle to socialize as I'm terrified to just talk to anyone. Got really overwhelmed then just sat quietly. I do wonder if I'm autistic because everything I explain to my boyfriend who is autistic, he says he feels too. He keeps telling me he thinks I am considering his lived experience.

The plot thickens, I'm feeling there are a lot of issues with me that should have been resolved decades ago. Seems socializing is still off the cards for me.

Charlotte 😻

Well if it's any consolation Charlotte I would be the same. I'm not to bad at doing a little smalltalk initially (was used to that in my working life) but beyond that I tend to just sit there quietly and hope that someone will come and talk to me. They usually don't and I skulk off never to return!

I heard that scientists are starting to come back round to the idea that the MMR jab we all got in the 70's and 80's might actually have caused some instances of Autism after all. There has been a very large spike in 40 somethings being late diagnosed autistic. I believe I am one.

There's nothing we can do with the diagnosis anyway really I suppose so does it actually matter? You will have made adjustments in your life by now to compensate.

I broke out of some lingering shyness when involved with a book reading group.
Or try any group where you need to prepare to be an active participant.

If you happen to be actively involved with something the group is interested in, that can help immensely.  Being a speaker is good.

What did this group talk about when you attended?  If it was just a mixer, that is usually social only.  That can be a toughie if you basically know no one there.

Chrissy

@Stottie Girl Does sound like we have these similarities Sarah. I think once the group gets to big and the noise too much it becomes impossible.

I did have the MMR vaccine as you mention. Oddly though in about 2003 I still contracted mumps. That was a highly painful experience causing my cheeks then down there to swell.

@ChrissyRyan The group is just a social meet in a bar. I managed to speak to a couple of people I had chatted to at a gig previously. But several people I didn't know. That I find tough. Weird thing is once I get to know someone I'm on fire and they normally love me. But it's that first few meets.

I'm trying to find a lyric writing / poetry group at moment so I can write and share my experiences. Then make some music around it.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 21, 2026, 06:48:54 PM@Stottie Girl Does sound like we have these similarities Sarah. I think once the group gets to big and the noise too much it becomes impossible.

I did have the MMR vaccine as you mention. Oddly though in about 2003 I still contracted mumps. That was a highly painful experience causing my cheeks then down there to swell.

@ChrissyRyan The group is just a social meet in a bar. I managed to speak to a couple of people I had chatted to at a gig previously. But several people I didn't know. That I find tough. Weird thing is once I get to know someone I'm on fire and they normally love me. But it's that first few meets.

I'm trying to find a lyric writing / poetry group at moment so I can write and share my experiences. Then make some music around it.

Charlotte 😻

I see.  I hope you find such a group.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 21, 2026, 06:48:54 PM@Stottie Girl Does sound like we have these similarities Sarah. I think once the group gets to big and the noise too much it becomes impossible.

I did have the MMR vaccine as you mention. Oddly though in about 2003 I still contracted mumps. That was a highly painful experience causing my cheeks then down there to swell.

@ChrissyRyan The group is just a social meet in a bar. I managed to speak to a couple of people I had chatted to at a gig previously. But several people I didn't know. That I find tough. Weird thing is once I get to know someone I'm on fire and they normally love me. But it's that first few meets.

I'm trying to find a lyric writing / poetry group at moment so I can write and share my experiences. Then make some music around it.

Charlotte 😻

We have a place for that here, Charlotte, if you feel comfortable using it. :)

being dyslexic my brain struggles to think of stuff to say at times, after cars and cooking I am a bit lost!

Charlotte, I am so happy for you and your surgery, but I am sorry for your ongoing stress.

I remember early in my transition, someone shared this with me:


You are entitled to joy in your life, and you have a right to demand it.  Don't let the occasional transgender blues get you down.

 

Is it first day back at work tomorrow Charlotte? If so, I hope it all goes well. Don't be shy to take a sicky if you start feeling unwell. I still worry a bit that it's too early. I'm sure they will understand given what you've been through. Best of British anyway.

Thanks @Emma1017 for your words. I am working to try and sort the happiness situation, albeit a slow process with the limited UK mental health support. Hopefully in a few months I'll be on a path to a better place.  I think the transition related downers are giggles and minimal, but I'm very certain I have undiagnosed 'serious' issues to get sorted.


@Stottie Girl yes tomorrow I'm back which will be interesting. I feel well enough but they are aware I might check out if I need to. Thank you so much for the best wishes and support  Sarah.

Charlotte 😻 xx

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 22, 2026, 11:36:29 AMThanks @Emma1017 for your words. I am working to try and sort the happiness situation, albeit a slow process with the limited UK mental health support. Hopefully in a few months I'll be on a path to a better place.  I think the transition related downers are giggles and minimal, but I'm very certain I have undiagnosed 'serious' issues to get sorted.


@Stottie Girl yes tomorrow I'm back which will be interesting. I feel well enough but they are aware I might check out if I need to. Thank you so much for the best wishes and support  Sarah.

Charlotte 😻 xx

You'll be fine Charlotte, I bet you get nothing but positive comments from everyone.

I'm hoping that the fact that my breasts no longer having any tenderness/ pain doesn't mean they have stopped growing! Really they are basically man boobs with little feeling now. Could really do without having to find another 4k to get them done too.

Swelling is bad today around my eyes and have a dull headache. My whole head is still weird and painful to touch in places. Hoping it'll improve soon as 14 days since surgery tomorrow.

Not really feeling great today to be honest, even though we got out for a nice walk. Still just chronically empty and don't have a clue who I am or what I want from this life. Sleeping 20 hours a day still feels like my ideal life. My ultimate hope is not to reach an older age and go early,  but I worry for my partner. I can't face so many more years. I need to check out my work life insurance policy to see if he'd be covered well, as that'd make me feel a lot better. Else I'll look to take one out soon.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 22, 2026, 01:37:02 PMI'm hoping that the fact that my breasts no longer having any tenderness/ pain doesn't mean they have stopped growing! Really they are basically man boobs with little feeling now. Could really do without having to find another 4k to get them done too.

Swelling is bad today around my eyes and have a dull headache. My whole head is still weird and painful to touch in places. Hoping it'll improve soon as 14 days since surgery tomorrow.

Not really feeling great today to be honest, even though we got out for a nice walk. Still just chronically empty and don't have a clue who I am or what I want from this life. Sleeping 20 hours a day still feels like my ideal life. My ultimate hope is not to reach an older age and go early,  but I worry for my partner. I can't face so many more years. I need to check out my work life insurance policy to see if he'd be covered well, as that'd make me feel a lot better. Else I'll look to take one out soon.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte where is this coming from pet? I don't like it when you get maudlin like this. If it's the boob thing don't worry, they go through growth spurts for years. But it seems to me that it's much more than that. You are looking great, you're making progress towards a new life. There is loads to look forward to.

Don't think like that, you have so much to give to the world.

Have you been assigned a therapist yet? I'm pretty sure you can self refer to NHS talking therapies if you think that will help. They are pretty good actually.

You can PM me anytime you know, if you want to talk.

@Stottie Girl It's just part of me unfortunately and has been since I was about 15 years old. Unfortunately they have moved my assessment appointment to next week as the assessor is ill.

I just feel empty. There used to be a time when I had dreams and ambitions. But now I just don't have any apart from my transition stuff. I don't have any goals or even a bucket list. In essence I've done everything I want to do apart from my transition, then that's it. I'm done. Just feels odd as I'm basically treading water until it's my time to go!

I did use NHS talking therapies. Was awful and they didn't even listen to me. Just try and get me to do these tasks I have no interest in doing the way I feel!

Anyways thank youu. Really appreciate your kindness. I'm just chilling now in my Hello Kitty PJs with a cup of tea...that feels nice.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 22, 2026, 03:24:18 PM@Stottie Girl It's just part of me unfortunately and has been since I was about 15 years old. Unfortunately they have moved my assessment appointment to next week as the assessor is ill.

I just feel empty. There used to be a time when I had dreams and ambitions. But now I just don't have any apart from my transition stuff. I don't have any goals or even a bucket list. In essence I've done everything I want to do apart from my transition, then that's it. I'm done. Just feels odd as I'm basically treading water until it's my time to go!

I did use NHS talking therapies. Was awful and they didn't even listen to me. Just try and get me to do these tasks I have no interest in doing the way I feel!

Anyways thank youu. Really appreciate your kindness. I'm just chilling now in my Hello Kitty PJs with a cup of tea...that feels nice.

Charlotte 😻

You really are feeling flat aren't you honey.

If you can't think of any dreams or ambitions right now, how about planning an epic trip abroad? You clearly loved your time in Turkey aside from the operation. Why not grab an atlas and draw up a list of destinations and adventures you could go on. Don't tell me there aren't loads of places you would like to see, I don't believe you have seen it all yet!

I bet when you start writing them down you can end up thinking of some wild adventures. You could go on a safari, go whale watching, climb Mount Killimanjaro, or simply go on a beach holiday to clear your mind. Tills gives glowing reports on Thailand as an excellent place to be if you are trans.

New experiences abroad might give you the spark to follow new interests you can't even think of right now.

Or, you have an eye for photography I have seen that. If the type of photography has got you bored why not try a different genre?

I hope you get some comfort and some new interests.

Chrissy

Charlotte,


Please remember that for about all of us, and that includes you, that affirming environments are very helpful to improve our well being.  So continue to find that supportive care, it benefits likely about everyone.


I wish you the best always!


Chrissy

How was first day back Charlotte?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 23, 2026, 02:48:22 PMHow was first day back Charlotte?

First day back was fine apart from having to fix my PC as there was a power cut that killed the SSD!

Sorting e-mails, meetings and some procurement really. Seems I've been pulled into designing more electronic circuits though as my colleagues ones didn't work, so will be busy!

Thanks 😊

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on March 23, 2026, 02:43:39 PMCharlotte,


Please remember that for about all of us, and that includes you, that affirming environments are very helpful to improve our well being.  So continue to find that supportive care, it benefits likely about everyone.


I wish you the best always!


Chrissy

Thank you very much, Chrissy. Luckily my work colleagues all treat me well and running club were also very kind too. I'm lucky to have supportive people around me.

Charlotte  xx

I still can't decide if my FFS was worth it or not. Occasionally I see a women, but often still I see a man pretending to be a woman. Something is still off about my face. Maybe I do need jaw surgery too as not sure what else I can get done that I haven't already. I think when I get breast augmentation in a couple of years I can get my jaw done too by the same surgeon. It'll definitely be at least a year after my GRS as I can't handle surgery so often!


Charlotte 😻

Part of our identity is our self-image and self-concept. It is how we see ourselves in the world and in our heads. You have just undergone a major change compared to what you have been accustomed to throughout your life. That change was only weeks ago, and it is competing with what has been "normal" for decades.

Give yourself a break. It takes time for your body to heal and your brain to recognize and accept the change as the new normal. There is no need to hurry. No need to judge now. Relax, and wait to see how you feel in six months or so.

It seems like a long time because we want it all done now. But the reality is that physical and mental changes take time.

You look great. Soon enough, you will see it too.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 23, 2026, 03:52:36 PMI still can't decide if my FFS was worth it or not. Occasionally I see a women, but often still I see a man pretending to be a woman. Something is still off about my face. Maybe I do need jaw surgery too as not sure what else I can get done that I haven't already. I think when I get breast augmentation in a couple of years I can get my jaw done too by the same surgeon. It'll definitely be at least a year after my GRS as I can't handle surgery so often!


Charlotte 😻

I'm no expert but don't they say your true face doesn't appear for a month or two as there is still residual swelling? As Lori says it's way to early to make an assesment on the result. Just take each day as it comes.

For what it's worth I never thought you had a masculine jaw on any of your previous pics. It could need something you haven't thought of like hairline or something less invasive. Play around with makeup too when you are more able, you may need to adjust your style to fit the new you

I thought your pics did show a dramatic change personally. Give it time petal.

@Charlotte Kitty
Dear Charlotte: 

Regarding your breasts that are no longer having any tenderness... when mine were growing
in my early HRT, the pain and tenderness came and went and eventually after a year they
just continued to grow and not hurt anymore. 
Keep taking your HRT and let time do it's thing.  IMHO, it is way too early for considering
breast augmentation surgery, the doctors will most likely tell you the same thing.

It has only been a couple of weeks (a Fortnight in UK terms) so you are still
healing and will be healing in the near future.

You have made one of the bigger commitments in your transition journey... in due time your
healing and your personal mental adjustment will be further along... you don't have to
think that you have to rush all of this.

Here on the Susan's Place Forum you are in a SAFE and SECURE place with like-minded followers
that are ready and willing to support you, listen to you, and give you our shoulders for you
to lean on.

Thank you for keeping all of your readers and avid followers, including myself, updated...
... we are with you !!!!
                 ❤️
Many HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 22, 2026, 01:37:02 PMI'm hoping that the fact that my breasts no longer having any tenderness/ pain doesn't mean they have stopped growing! Really they are basically man boobs with little feeling now. Could really do without having to find another 4k to get them done too.

Swelling is bad today around my eyes and have a dull headache. My whole head is still weird and painful to touch in places. Hoping it'll improve soon as 14 days since surgery tomorrow.

Not really feeling great today to be honest, even though we got out for a nice walk. Still just chronically empty and don't have a clue who I am or what I want from this life. Sleeping 20 hours a day still feels like my ideal life. My ultimate hope is not to reach an older age and go early,  but I worry for my partner. I can't face so many more years. I need to check out my work life insurance policy to see if he'd be covered well, as that'd make me feel a lot better. Else I'll look to take one out soon.

Charlotte 😻

My experience of growing breasts mirrors Danielle's exactly. It happened just like she says for me. It's way too early to judge outcome. Save your money for now and give yourself some time to adjust. It's not a race.

Well I'm already planned for GRS in February so give or take it'll be 2 years or so before I have further procedures. That should be adequate time to see the effects of HRT being 3 years then.

I'm 12 months in April. I can't remember the exact date tbh as was just experimenting so didn't think that much of it!

Charlotte 😻

8yers on HRT and its still having an effect, it takes time for your body to change. After 61 years it is taking me a while to correct things.

It was well after the first year that I really started to notice the regrowth of a lot of scalp hair and at over 4 years, my breasts are still growing. It takes quite a lot of time to turn this ship around. Heck, HRT is going to continue to soften/change your face for the next couple of years.

But I get it - we waited our entire lives to do this and it's very hard to wait those changes out.

I'm wondering how much difference brow bone reduction really makes apart from in cases like mine where it at least got rid of that horrible, over masculine look around my eyes!

Over the past few days I've been noticing that most cis mens brow bones, including my partners are no bigger than mine after surgery. I was just unlucky to have such a stupidly large one. Considering this I don't see how it can be such a signifier of gender aside from making some people look extremely masculine in some cases. My boyfriend looks masculine despite a brow bone as small as mine is now.

There are obviously so many other facial features at play here which maybe can't be modified.

I'm glad to be rid of it that's for sure but skeptical how much real difference it will make. Considering on a day to day basis I don't want makeup as part of my routine. My cis female colleagues don't wear it say at work. I don't want to really either. Long term I just want to look naturally feminine without having to go to great lengths with hair and beauty. Maybe it's possible?

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 24, 2026, 01:45:10 PMI'm wondering how much difference brow bone reduction really makes apart from in cases like mine where it at least got rid of that horrible, over masculine look around my eyes!

Over the past few days I've been noticing that most cis mens brow bones, including my partners are no bigger than mine after surgery. I was just unlucky to have such a stupidly large one. Considering this I don't see how it can be such a signifier of gender aside from making some people look extremely masculine in some cases. My boyfriend looks masculine despite a brow bone as small as mine is now.

There are obviously so many other facial features at play here which maybe can't be modified.

I'm glad to be rid of it that's for sure but skeptical how much real difference it will make. Considering on a day to day basis I don't want makeup as part of my routine. My cis female colleagues don't wear it say at work. I don't want to really either. Long term I just want to look naturally feminine without having to go to great lengths with hair and beauty. Maybe it's possible?

Charlotte 😻

Well I think it is the work to the orbital brow area that is the most significant benefit. I think that is my biggest tell tale when I compare myself to cis gender women. That and hairline. From the pics you have shared, your orbital and brow does now look to be very feminine to me.

With regards to colleagues wearing no makeup, I doubt that is true for many. There is such a thing as a "no make up" look and it is what it says a makeup routine that creates a natural look. It is usually a quick to apply routine (like 10 mins or so) very useful for work or if you are in a hurry. There are loads of how to's online if you have a look. I think most cis women will at least put liner, mascara and lippy on, the lippy may be a more neutral shade though so it may not be that obvious.

Hair wise maybe think of tying it back if you don't want to spend the effort?

Unfortunately the morning routines are part of being a woman I feel. If you don't enjoy the process, well it is a small price to pay for all the other benefits in my opinion.

Of course you can choose not to follow societal norms and forgoe it all but if your goal is to blend in, it may make it harder for the trans woman sadly.

Once it's long enough I'll probably tie it back to be honest. I really like the tied back look on my colleagues. I know a couple of my colleagues use no makeup as they told me. It's a tech office...not corporate at all.

I don't mind makeup if it's a day off or going out, but work days honestly I don't want to even exist in the morning let alone do makeup! Most I really do is BB cream and some eyeshadow if I'm feeling particularly awake.

Lipstick is worst as makes eating and drinking very difficult without losing it all. Maybe I'll get them tattood although it sounds very painful.

I love women's fashion but makeup I don't really enjoy at all. Partly because all I can see is a blur from one eye. Makes detail stuff very hard even with a magnifying mirror! Even doing just BB cream and a little eye shadow is over 15 mins some days.

Charlotte 😻

BB cream for me, dab on each cheek and on my chin and upper lip and brush it out. Touch of blush and then some face powder, thats my going out face. I dont do any going to the workshop of course. Oh yes and a splash of lippy.

Quote from: davina61 on March 24, 2026, 03:10:10 PMBB cream for me, dab on each cheek and on my chin and upper lip and brush it out. Touch of blush and then some face powder, thats my going out face. I dont do any going to the workshop of course. Oh yes and a splash of lippy.

That's pretty much what I'd do on a morning except for the lippy! The powder just finishes the skin nicely.

I'm going to experiment and try to find the most minimal but effective look I can whilst still looking femme enough.

A quick Google search and I'm not the only MTF women who doesn't want makeup to be any or a large part of their look. Even just under 20% of cis women don't wear makeup often. So in theory why wouldn't a similar % of trans women feel the same!

Might be difficult but it's a challenge I will at least try!

Charlotte 😻

If I'm honest, makeup just increases my dysphoria. I don't like what it does for my look. Less is definitely more for me. I might settle on just eyeliner or maybe mascara, some primer and a bit of lipstick (aka "lippy"). I seem to look better with my hair tied back because it makes my face/head look smaller.

OK, maybe I'm wrong. It just really jumps out at me when I see a woman without makeup. Personally I would like to avoid standing out, I just want to blend in so I would wear some form of makeup. I know from a previous post, that is not your goal Charlotte, you like to experiment with fashion and have fun. Each to their own I guess.

With lippy I put it on, blot, then apply again, blot then apply a third time and blot. Seems to last a good while despite eating or drinking. Would possibly need touching up at some point through the day but not usually too bad. I also use a lip plumping balm when not wearing lippy.

I use fairly minimal makeup, concealer for blemishes, bronser on top of cheeks and nose, Blusher underneath the cheek and up to just below the temple. Lippy, eyeliner, mascara and a thin bead of an eyeshadow. Fix with either powder or fixing spray or both. Doesn't take me long. Can't be bothered with the mess of foundation or anything.

@Stottie Girl Thanks, I'll try that with the lipstick next time I go out! Also need to try the peel off stuff that a few women have recommended as good.

Charlotte 😻

Peel off stuff?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 24, 2026, 04:06:26 PMPeel off stuff?

Yeah lip stains that you apply then peel off to leave stained lips. Apparently they work!

https://www.today.com/series/today-tests/i-tried-trendy-peel-lip-stain-here-s-what-happened-t95906 (https://www.today.com/series/today-tests/i-tried-trendy-peel-lip-stain-here-s-what-happened-t95906)

Well I've never seen those before. Might be right for you Charlotte. I was thinking of lip shaped stickers not a brush on gel lol! Makes a lot more sense.

I agree. Less is more.

A little eyeliner, some cover-up for sun damage, and a light pink lipstick applied sparingly.

Occasionally, I'll add a touch of eye shadow, but that is rare.

On one of the tutorials I've gotten a lot out of, the creator mentioned that foundation can actually enhance imperfections and irregularities in your skin. I've noticed that with my chin.

Quote from: Courtney G on March 24, 2026, 05:01:55 PMOn one of the tutorials I've gotten a lot out of, the creator mentioned that foundation can actually enhance imperfections and irregularities in your skin. I've noticed that with my chin.

I have that issue with powders. They make your pores more visible. Using liquid foundation very lightly seems to work much better. I think I posted a video about that somewhere.

Cherry lip balm can give your lips some color.

Swelling and tension still in my temples and my head is still painful to touch. Hoping this will all settle sometime soon.

Already tired and fedup with work after 3 days back. Just looking forward to the weekend and then thankfully the Easter break.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 25, 2026, 01:25:18 PMSwelling and tension still in my temples and my head is still painful to touch. Hoping this will all settle sometime soon.

Already tired and fedup with work after 3 days back. Just looking forward to the weekend and then thankfully the Easter break.

Doesn't take long to fall back into the monotony does it! Roll on Easter!

Have you had many positive comments at work Charlotte?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 25, 2026, 02:02:41 PMDoesn't take long to fall back into the monotony does it! Roll on Easter!

Have you had many positive comments at work Charlotte?

Yeah everything goes back to normal too quickly! Just the same after holidays and such!

Not really had many comments to be honest. A couple of colleagues said it looks good, but not very convincingly!

Charlotte 😻

Really? I'm surprised at that, I think the change is night and day different. Well I think it looks good if that means anything! Sod them! ha ha!

Something I learned this week:

People who see me a lot (such as my spouse) or who I've spent a long time/many hours around don't seem to think I've changed much.

People I don't see very often or haven't seen too many times notice the difference.

It seems that the brains of people we've spent a lot of time with get "imprinted" with an overall understanding of what we look like, and this imprint is pretty unshakable. I'm sure there's some science behind this. This means that you could swap out a nose or forehead or something and it won't really register with their brains because they aren't really able to see past what they already know you to look like. They just ignore the changes. Crazy.

Here's an AI summary response to a web inquiry about this:

"People long familiar with you often don't notice plastic surgery changes because their brains rely on an established, long-term mental image of your face rather than minute, current details. They perceive you as a whole person, not a sum of parts, and subtle, natural-looking results—often designed to make you look refreshed rather than different—do not trigger a recognition alert."

This helps explain why I'm out there being read as female a lot of the time and my wife thinks I don't look very different!!

I think it's also the fact that I just look really rough and messed up at the moment. The bruises and swelling are still very visible and I generally look and feel run down. Plus the hair I lost means that looks shabby too. So although there are great improvements to some areas, they are put down by just a general bad look!

Needs a few months yet I think.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 25, 2026, 03:56:18 PMI think it's also the fact that I just look really rough and messed up at the moment. The bruises and swelling are still very visible and I generally look and feel run down. Plus the hair I lost means that looks shabby too. So although there are great improvements to some areas, they are put down by just a general bad look!

Needs a few months yet I think.

From what you have posted, I don't think you look rough at all. Yes, some bruises, but I had those too. Just wait for the swelling to go down, and maybe you will see what we see.

Hugs!

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 25, 2026, 04:20:26 PMFrom what you have posted, I don't think you look rough at all. Yes, some bruises, but I had those too. Just wait for the swelling to go down, and maybe you will see what we see.

Hugs!

At least one of those pictures I'm caked in makeup to hide it all! I think I'm just getting tired as the week goes on from work and sorting stuff at home, so I just look very tired and some swelling has got worse. But I'm sure it'll pass. It'll take as long as it takes really. I know it will get better sometime, but don't want to get my hopes up thinking it'll be sooner when it can take some months. I don't always heal quick - I have sores on my body thst I've had for months without improving!

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 25, 2026, 04:26:45 PMAt least one of those pictures I'm caked in makeup to hide it all! I think I'm just getting tired as the week goes on from work and sorting stuff at home, so I just look very tired and some swelling has got worse. But I'm sure it'll pass. It'll take as long as it takes really. I know it will get better sometime, but don't want to get my hopes up thinking it'll be sooner when it can take some months. I don't always heal quick - I have sores on my body thst I've had for months without improving!

Charlotte 😻

You are probably also still purging the anesthesia, which will make you feel worn out and even a bit down. You'll be fine. You have the right attitude about the outcome.

    @Charlotte Kitty
Dear Charlotte:
From my own personal experience, healing and feeling fit after a major surgery
does indeed take time.

I know that it is not a great comfort hearing that, but your body needs time to heal,
give it your best effort to be patient while that happens.

Keep your updates coming.
         ❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Its like when I had GRS, I was up and about driving after 2 weeks but it was almost 6 months before it all settled down. It takes time my dear but you will get there.

I think I have, probably one of the messiest desks ever!

Still a bit tired but a little happier now I'm designing more electronic circuitry. Far nicer than the hassle / sorting problems parts of the work.

(https://i.postimg.cc/HnzQ6nHx/20260326-151132.jpg)

Yeah, that's pretty bad Charlotte, you should be ashamed of yourself!

At least you have a desk though, where I work it is all hot desking, it's a total free for all.

Do you do something like electrical or electronic engineering? What are all those calculations about (yes I am a nosey cow, don't care!)

@Stottie Girl I think I thrive on some level of chaos! Hot desking does indeed sound very bleak, not being able to have some cute personal things on the desk!

I'm a design engineer working in lighting. Mix of electronic and product design amongst many other things! The calculations are to do with trip currents of a power supply protection circuit. There's plenty of them to make everything work without releasing white smoke!

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 26, 2026, 12:19:14 PM@Stottie Girl I think I thrive on some level of chaos! Hot desking does indeed sound very bleak, not being able to have some cute personal things on the desk!

I'm a design engineer working in lighting. Mix of electronic and product design amongst many other things! The calculations are to do with trip currents of a power supply protection circuit. There's plenty of them to make everything work without releasing white smoke!

Charlotte 😻

That's pretty cool! I like a job where you have to use your noggin,

I did half of an electrical and electronic engineering degree at Newcastle University before I stupidly dropped out deciding I didn't want to do it anymore. Still it got me onto building design so it worked out, sort of anyway! Cost me my route to being a pilot in the RAF which I really wanted to do, one of my big regrets. The things you do when you're young and daft!

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 26, 2026, 10:28:49 AMI think I have, probably one of the messiest desks ever!

That looks exactly like my desk.

Quote from: PhilippaRees on March 26, 2026, 12:33:22 PMThat looks exactly like my desk.

Well you should have a word with yourself too! Disgrace! ha ha!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 26, 2026, 12:37:35 PMWell you should have a word with yourself too! Disgrace! ha ha!

More than a word needed my office looks like that too.

You should see my work bench----------

Been busy getting a few consultations lined up with regards my GRS next year. I don't have the budget for the big names in Thailand, as seemingly due to popularity in the last few years they have raised prices! Very much like the FFS providers I think its a service providers market for the big names.

I've one known but not top tier surgeon and a couple of wildcards.

• Kamol Hospital: A mix of successes with some bad reviews. But they do a lot of procedures, so bound to be a few and those with bad experiences shout the loudest.
• Maxi Clinic : A few examples I've seen online look reasonable and the cost is low at the £6K mark
• AP Gender care : Struggle to find any reviews but the conversations with them seem professional and the examples (if real) look good. Again about £6k mark with psych evaluations included.

I think the latter two may serve local markets more than international hence less reviews. I'm not looking for the absolute perfect outcome. As long as reasonable I'm happy - I don't need depth so any is a bonus. Just need rid of what's down there and it to look average at least. Its not my face so far less bothered.

Kamol still seems the best bet despite being approx. £7k if only for the amount of information available. But I'm going to get consultations first then make my decision. My FFS was a wildcard, but I only make these decisions if other available data supports the risk.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 22, 2026, 03:24:18 PM@Stottie Girl It's just part of me unfortunately and has been since I was about 15 years old. Unfortunately they have moved my assessment appointment to next week as the assessor is ill.

I just feel empty. There used to be a time when I had dreams and ambitions. But now I just don't have any apart from my transition stuff. I don't have any goals or even a bucket list. In essence I've done everything I want to do apart from my transition, then that's it. I'm done. Just feels odd as I'm basically treading water until it's my time to go!

I did use NHS talking therapies. Was awful and they didn't even listen to me. Just try and get me to do these tasks I have no interest in doing the way I feel!

Anyways thank youu. Really appreciate your kindness. I'm just chilling now in my Hello Kitty PJs with a cup of tea...that feels nice.

Charlotte 😻

Sorry for the late reply to this, Charlotte. Takes me a while to claw my way out of my coffin from time to time, haha.

The thing with NHS... well... anything, is that it's a numbers game. How can someone do just enough for the most amount of people in the least amount of time. And often the more... in depth stuff is overlooked in order to deal out the most band-aids, as it were. These tasks are primarily designed to help, but not really when just dished out like school homework, and very little actual consideration for the person you want to undertake them. It's like trying to throw out a cure for a sore throat when you don't take the time work out someone has laryngitis. So yeah, I kind of understand how you feel.

Can I ask you a question, if you don't mind? Transition is a means to an end. So what is the "end" that you see for yourself, Charlotte? I don't mean that kind of end. More... where do you see your life when you've done everything you feel you can do to affect your transition?

The reason I ask is... well... sometimes, you can feel a disconnect from yourself. This empty feeling you speak of. I sometimes feel that way, and for me it comes from feeling like my life doesn't feel like mine. Like... it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, because it's like looking out through someone else's eyes, you know? And anything that happens... it happens to this other person. I am wondering if you're looking for a way to get your life back, and feel in sort of a holding pattern until then.

In any case, here's a massive *monster hug* from me. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on March 27, 2026, 02:04:36 PMSorry for the late reply to this, Charlotte. Takes me a while to claw my way out of my coffin from time to time, haha.

The thing with NHS... well... anything, is that it's a numbers game. How can someone do just enough for the most amount of people in the least amount of time. And often the more... in depth stuff is overlooked in order to deal out the most band-aids, as it were. These tasks are primarily designed to help, but not really when just dished out like school homework, and very little actual consideration for the person you want to undertake them. It's like trying to throw out a cure for a sore throat when you don't take the time work out someone has laryngitis. So yeah, I kind of understand how you feel.

Can I ask you a question, if you don't mind? Transition is a means to an end. So what is the "end" that you see for yourself, Charlotte? I don't mean that kind of end. More... where do you see your life when you've done everything you feel you can do to affect your transition?

The reason I ask is... well... sometimes, you can feel a disconnect from yourself. This empty feeling you speak of. I sometimes feel that way, and for me it comes from feeling like my life doesn't feel like mine. Like... it doesn't matter what I do or don't do, because it's like looking out through someone else's eyes, you know? And anything that happens... it happens to this other person. I am wondering if you're looking for a way to get your life back, and feel in sort of a holding pattern until then.

In any case, here's a massive *monster hug* from me. <3

Thanks Lauren for your reply and no worries as we all have different lives and amounts of time we spend on here.  I'm hugely grateful for anyone that replies to me after any amount of time.

Well on Monday I'm having my assessment and hopefully a step closer to getting psychiatric help.

Transition wise I guess I see myself just feeling that maximum amount of warmth about who I am. That's the end game, although I think I will constantly evolve as a woman long after my transition goals are complete. I did so as a man, and becoming a woman is just this stage of my evolving body and personality. It's not necessarily a paradigm shift to me; it's the unfolding of a long story. To some transitioning is quite a big decision. To me it's just another change like many I've made. I go with my instinct and just do. I didn't even think much about it. It just happened and oh...ok...I'm transitioning.

I think my issue is that life in general to me is very understimulating and when things do stimulate my mind they only do so for a very short amount of time. Then I'm bored of that thing forever. Add to that now I just feel devoid of energy after working. I dunno I just look around and nothing really excites me enough to break through the fatigue I feel.

Honestly I enjoyed being away recovering because I did nothing most of the day, went out for a little walk, had a drink in the coffee shop, some food and that's it. No stresses or expectations to poison my mind. Back here to normality, I feel like I'm wearing a solid lead jacket that's pulling me under water. Everything feels heavy and difficult. Too much effort. On edge feeling.

I don't think a period of work stress giving me multiple breakdowns helped. A switch flipped and now I find it hard to enjoy much.

So yeah between all that i don't know who I am. Plus I think most of my life has just been one big show to give everyone what they expect of me or to make myself appear better so I get more recognition. So much so I don't actually know what I really enjoy or want from life. I think this comes from abuse and humiliation when I was aged 4-7 years and inherited from my dad who was messed up badly too. I feel his mind inside of me. It's haunting.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 27, 2026, 02:51:58 PMI think this comes from abuse and humiliation when I was aged 4-7 years and inherited from my dad who was messed up badly too. I feel his mind inside of me. It's haunting.

Charlotte 😻

This is deeply personal Charlotte, so I won't probe on it further. Nosy cow that I can be. It's a good bet that there's a lot of truth to it, though. Like I said before, if you ever want to vent to someone or want someone to talk to... I can listen. <3

You strike me as someone highly intelligent. Like... extremely highly intelligent. And in that case... it is hard to feel engaged with mundane things.

Can I ask... is there something you can think of that you are passionate about? A hobby perhaps? Something you're deeply into that you never felt you had the chance to fully engage with?

@Sephirah Please don't worry about asking questions and things being personal. I am an open book and don't believe hiding things is constructive to my own health. Plus if me being open helps someone else share their issues without embarrassment then I've done some good.

Now the question of passions...that's the other big problem! I find something I love, I'm passionate about it. So passionate that for a while a struggle to focus on anything else. I want to absorb that subject 24/7 even when I'm meant to be working or in bed. I get good at it...people notice and I get at least semi successful at it. Then the plateu...I'm  engaged still but not as intensely but still productive.  Inevitably though the drop comes. I lose all stimulation that I previously gained from doing that thing. And it's impossible to feel that passion again. I fall into a major depressive hole. Thsts kinda where I am now. I haven't found a new thing to stimulate me. But the trajectory is always the same abd has been since I was very young. Quite a mess right!

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte,

Have you had any luck finding a creative Writing/Poetry/Lyrics writing Group?

Perhaps that would get you going again. It meshes with what you want to do with your music. And it's one of those things where you cannot easily master it without becoming hugely famous and wealthy. Which means, it might keep you going for a long time.

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 27, 2026, 03:58:55 PMCharlotte,

Have you had any luck finding a creative Writing/Poetry/Lyrics writing Group?

Perhaps that would get you going again. It meshes with what you want to do with your music. And it's one of those things where you cannot easily master it without becoming hugely famous and wealthy. Which means, it might keep you going for a long time.

I keep looking. There is nothing I can find that's regular, but I think occasionally short courses and meete come up so will keep a look out. I want something where I can meet people as I do better with that kind of interaction and encouragement

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 27, 2026, 03:43:10 PMNow the question of passions...that's the other big problem! I find something I love, I'm passionate about it. So passionate that for a while a struggle to focus on anything else. I want to absorb that subject 24/7 even when I'm meant to be working or in bed. I get good at it...people notice and I get at least semi successful at it. Then the plateu...I'm  engaged still but not as intensely but still productive.  Inevitably though the drop comes. I lose all stimulation that I previously gained from doing that thing. And it's impossible to feel that passion again. I fall into a major depressive hole. Thsts kinda where I am now. I haven't found a new thing to stimulate me. But the trajectory is always the same abd has been since I was very young. Quite a mess right!

Charlotte 😻

This begs the question of why, Charlotte?

Do you think it might be because you get recognition for it? When what you want, ultimately, is to be the underdog, and fight for someone to see what you can do? And when they do... you get bored and move on?

Quote from: Sephirah on March 27, 2026, 04:15:01 PMThis begs the question of why, Charlotte?

Do you think it might be because you get recognition for it? When what you want, ultimately, is to be the underdog, and fight for someone to see what you can do? And when they do... you get bored and move on?

Lauren, I really hope that you don't mind helping me and reading through the complexities of my mind! Really there is so much and I don't want you to feel like you're just working as a therapist for me or that I'm taking too much.

You're probably right in a way. I grew up with two older half brothers that got all the attention. Add to that think I was a bit slow as a kid, not helped by being a July baby so starting school aged 4 in with far advanced classmates.

Basically everyone thought I was lame and my half brothers said I was rubbish regularly. I was taught to succeed using fear of violence, humiliation or the threat of being kicked out the house. So ultimately I learnt over time to succeed. At high school I laid in bed every night worrying that I'd never get a job, never succeed in life and that I'd be a failure. I'd written myself off.

So now i think my whole system is setup to prove myself and seek persistent external validation.

But I probably have ADHD / personality disorder / autism or similar. In my first years of primary school I was useless and weird. I ate wax crayons, ate newspaper and pooped myself hiding behind the blackboard. Yet 5 minutes later I had wired lights in series with a battery and switch! Even the teachers didn't understand how to do it.

But I just got punished by having my underwear pulled down in front of assembly and smacked on my bare butt in front of whole school.

Honestly there's so many things that I can't get my head around it. But these things almost certainly have shaped my reward / coping systems.

Charlotte 😻

Sorry to butt in!

The obsessing about hobbies thing is definitely an autistic trait and one I share with you.

You are younger than me Charlotte and corporal punishment was outlawed when I was at school so surely what they did to you in front of the school is legit abuse and against the law?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 27, 2026, 04:55:13 PMSorry to butt in!

The obsessing about hobbies thing is definitely an autistic trait and one I share with you.

You are younger than me Charlotte and corporal punishment was outlawed when I was at school so surely what they did to you in front of the school is legit abuse and against the law?

TRIGGER WARNING

Aww no worries, anyone welcome to post here, assuming they are happy to hear this kinda stuff!

It was a tiny village school...don't think that law had reached them! It happened a couple of times then I manged to stop the weird stuff. At playschool the woman there used to smother me in a blanket over my head and body when I misbehaved. I panicked and couldn't breathe properly...it was awful.

Then the punishments and fear at home. Being lifted up against the wall by your neck, basically strangled is no fun either. Honestly surprised I'm together as I am.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 27, 2026, 04:47:30 PMLauren, I really hope that you don't mind helping me and reading through the complexities of my mind! Really there is so much and I don't want you to feel like you're just working as a therapist for me or that I'm taking too much.

You're probably right in a way. I grew up with two older half brothers that got all the attention. Add to that think I was a bit slow as a kid, not helped by being a July baby so starting school aged 4 in with far advanced classmates.

Basically everyone thought I was lame and my half brothers said I was rubbish regularly. I was taught to succeed using fear of violence, humiliation or the threat of being kicked out the house. So ultimately I learnt over time to succeed. At high school I laid in bed every night worrying that I'd never get a job, never succeed in life and that I'd be a failure. I'd written myself off.

So now i think my whole system is setup to prove myself and seek persistent external validation.

But I probably have ADHD / personality disorder / autism or similar. In my first years of primary school I was useless and weird. I ate wax crayons, ate newspaper and pooped myself hiding behind the blackboard. Yet 5 minutes later I had wired lights in series with a battery and switch! Even the teachers didn't understand how to do it.

But I just got punished by having my underwear pulled down in front of assembly and smacked on my bare butt in front of whole school.

Honestly there's so many things that I can't get my head around it. But these things almost certainly have shaped my reward / coping systems.

Charlotte 😻

Listen, honey... you are beautiful and you deserve to be okay with yourself. I just want you to feel okay, okay? And whatever I can do to facilitate that, is worth it. We all have a literal minefield of crap in our heads. It comes from being human. Being able to navigate it is kind of the key to a successful life. :)

Can I ask... where did this violence and humiliation come from, primarily? From your siblings or your parents or somewhere else?

Listen, honey. It's okay. You're not weird and you're not defective and you're not useless. You're just trying to deal with a lifetime of programming that's left you feeling this way. Me saying it won't undo how you feel, but I just want you to know that you're not alone, okay? And there are people in your life who respect you for you. <3

That is abuse plain and simple Charlotte, at school and at home. Did you take any action or do you prefer not to? Sorry if you don't want to talk about it, I should keep my beak out really.

@Sephirah Thank youu Lauren. You are such a sweetheart! I can see you help so many people on here which is extremely beatiful to see.

I was humiliated both at school and home along with violence/ threats of violence etc. Only a couple of times did the violence actually manifest, but that was serious enough to make me basically live in fear of it. Plus witnessing domestic violence and threats. Problem is I was vert young still.

My dad was also very controlling of my mum and the family. He tried to commit suicide too around these times. I know he was troubled in some of the same ways I am, so don't doubt there is a hereditary component here. I don't try to control people, but I'm capable of it and still react badly when things don't go my way. I think luckily in me it's more inwardly directed e.g. I beat myself up and dont live up to my own standards, whereas he expressed emotions at other people.

@Stottie Girl Thanks too Sarah...you too are a sweetheart and help so much with your kindness. I only really realized it was abuse when I told others a couple of years ago and they said it wasn't normal. I thought it was so didn't think anything of it. That's why I'm so open because if I wasn't I'd still think it was normal!

I don't have the energy to do much, let alone pursue this legally. It would probably damage me more going through the process. I know it doesn't make it right, but this also only adds to a handful of occasions. I think the big issue was my age e.g. 4-6 so when your brain wires for the rest of your life. I'm not sure what I'd gain either pursuing it.

Add to that my Dad passed of cancer in 2003 aged 48 so he's gone. It weird because I partly grieved yet was partly glad he was gone. I could live my life now. Of course he was outwardly homophonic and at the time I was gay. Another thing that gave me sleepless nights at school. How could I ever be gay and out?

Charlotte 😻

Well you have to do what is right for you and there is no shame in not wanting to drag up your past in a court of law, that would be tough for anyone. It just galls me that these perpetrators might have gotten away with it.

I can relate to you thinking how can you come out because of your dad. Whilst I love my dad and he has always been the nicest, kindest best dad to me. He is also a daily mail reader and it has changed his mind about certain things. He is outwardly bigotted now and I don't think he would be able to cope with my reality. He's in his 80's so I just don't want to put him through it. Different reasons I suppose but kind of the same thing.

My dad was a bit of a bully till I got in my late teens when I nearly laid him out after he started on me, that stopped him and he was fine after that!

I graduated running club couch to 5k today. It was really lovely seeing everyone and getting coffee and cakes after. I found it hard as the surgery and missing two weeks has left me a lot weaker. I used to be one of the fastest, but today even a slow pace made me feel sick. Still at least Charlotte is now on the Park Run list of runners. I'll make it faster when I'm recovered.

I feel very appreciated and liked at this club, so I'm going to stay for sure.

This afternoon I have electrolysis down there in Worcester again.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte thank you so much for this post especially this bit

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 28, 2026, 02:56:57 AMAdd to that my Dad passed of cancer in 2003 aged 48 so he's gone. It weird because I partly grieved yet was partly glad he was gone.

What you described is very close to my own childhood and experiences since then. I didn't know I had been abused until my mother left my dad when she realized she had been abused. I was 30 by then. And it took another 30 years to undo the damage. Just a few weeks ago I found Philippa buried underneath it all.

When my father died I too partly grieved just for the tiny bit of him that was good. But felt enormous relief that I didn't have to see him ever again.
I thought it was just me that felt this way about a parent but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Thank you.

Quote from: PhilippaRees on March 28, 2026, 07:47:04 AMCharlotte thank you so much for this post especially this bit

What you described is very close to my own childhood and experiences since then. I didn't know I had been abused until my mother left my dad when she realized she had been abused. I was 30 by then. And it took another 30 years to undo the damage. Just a few weeks ago I found Philippa buried underneath it all.

When my father died I too partly grieved just for the tiny bit of him that was good. But felt enormous relief that I didn't have to see him ever again.
I thought it was just me that felt this way about a parent but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Thank you.

Sorry to hear that you have had similar experiences and struggles and the pain they inevitably caused. As you say certain feelings and doubt linger. And you think you should feel a certain way about the death of someone. But life isn't that simple.

I'm glad you have gained a little peace and comfort from my share. I'm very candid because it helps me, but also because if I'm feeling it then others most likely have too. If that helps others like yourself, then that makes it worthwhile.

I'm a huge advocate of taking about feelings, even if just in private. So I lead by example. I do appreciate for others its harder or they may not wish to share, but I do my thing and that works for me.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 28, 2026, 06:44:34 AMI graduated running club couch to 5k today. It was really lovely seeing everyone and getting coffee and cakes after. I found it hard as the surgery and missing two weeks has left me a lot weaker. I used to be one of the fastest, but today even a slow pace made me feel sick. Still at least Charlotte is now on the Park Run list of runners. I'll make it faster when I'm recovered.

I feel very appreciated and liked at this club, so I'm going to stay for sure.

This afternoon I have electrolysis down there in Worcester again.

Charlotte 😻

That's great news about the running club Charlotte. I think that will be really good for you. Sitting in the house and having no hobbies or interests isn't healthy for your mental state.

I was rubbish at distance running. Apart from finding it mind numbingly boring I couldn't get past the stitch phase! I was a very fast sprinter, good at short distance events like long jump and good at throwey things like javelin and discus. But distance running na, not for me. I used to regularly cycle around the 100 mile mark though.

Quote from: PhilippaRees on March 28, 2026, 07:47:04 AMCharlotte thank you so much for this post especially this bit

What you described is very close to my own childhood and experiences since then. I didn't know I had been abused until my mother left my dad when she realized she had been abused. I was 30 by then. And it took another 30 years to undo the damage. Just a few weeks ago I found Philippa buried underneath it all.

When my father died I too partly grieved just for the tiny bit of him that was good. But felt enormous relief that I didn't have to see him ever again.
I thought it was just me that felt this way about a parent but it is comforting to know that I am not the only one. Thank you.

Sorry to hear of your experience growing up Phillipa (and you @davina61 ). I would echo what Charlotte says about talking being a wonderful healer. It seems there is always someone here who understands whatever you are going though and can offer help, advice or a kindly word.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 28, 2026, 06:44:34 AMI graduated running club couch to 5k today. It was really lovely seeing everyone and getting coffee and cakes after. I found it hard as the surgery and missing two weeks has left me a lot weaker. I used to be one of the fastest, but today even a slow pace made me feel sick. Still at least Charlotte is now on the Park Run list of runners. I'll make it faster when I'm recovered.

I feel very appreciated and liked at this club, so I'm going to stay for sure.

This afternoon I have electrolysis down there in Worcester again.

Charlotte 😻

That is quite exceptional, Charlotte. I have seen something of this. It's basically getting off your ass and making a change in your life. By people who never thought they could. The hardest thing in this world is actually deciding to make the change in your life that you want to make. And I will always have the utmost respect for people who make that leap of faith.

The end is easy, once you're going. The start is the hardest thing, because by nature we don't want to feel uncomfortable. I am so proud of you, honey.

What you said about your dad, and what other people have said... I can relate to probably more than you know. I won't go into it because it's about you. It seems a common thread. So... Charlotte, know that you're not alone with how you feel okay?

I thank you for being so open. That's one area we differ. You kind of have to pry stuff out of me with forceps and a massive guilt trip. I somewhat envy people who are open like you and Sarah are. I find that utterly beautiful. That you're okay with vulnerability. I wish I could be more like you. :)

@Sephirah Thanks Lauren. I do keep trying despite having big down periods. Can be slow but always trying to move forwards.

We are all very different and I'm happy being open about... well... whatever people are prepared to see or hear! I guess I've been sharing my life since I was 16 in the early days of the internet. Of course sharing personal things has risk, but that I'm prepared to take.

Tomorrow I have my meeting at 10.30 for my mental health assessment.

Charlotte 😻

I had a video call today with a GRS clinic in Thailand. This particular one has literally no reviews I could find. I set ChatGPT on the case to look for Thai reviews which were also very minimal.

They seemed very clued up on the call and said all the right things. But I find it tough to take a risk with no real life feedback. Their Facebook shows testimonials but all from Thai celebrity Trans girls. So either that's their primary market or they are paid for reviews.

I've dug deeper into another small clinic that has decent reviews, and writeups with pictures online. I'm definitely interested in them and have a call next Saturday. Their website is very comprehensive with loads of pre op and aftercare information.  Very practically orientated rather than marketing orientated. They are my number one right now. I can basically get that surgery for £6K.

Charlotte 😻

Well another GRS option has come through which I didn't think I could afford, but I have a great offer including hotel costs. Not hugely known but enough information out there and all speak highly of him. I think I'll be going to Dr Saran, Wansiri hospital. I shall decide for sure very soon!

Now off to my mental health assessment.

Charlotte 😻

Hope all goes well for you today Charlotte.

Just be sure to do your research on surgeons properly Charlotte. This is life altering surgery and there are some horror stories out there. It is so important for future happiness that going for the cheapest deal might not be the best idea, you aren't shopping for insurance after all!

If the right surgeon costs more than you have then personally, I would wait and save more money. There is no rush to get things done quickly. You can be the woman you want to be right now.

I'm not saying this cheaper surgeon is bad by the way, just make sure you have enough information to make an informed choice otherwise it could be a leap in the dark.

@Stottie Girl Thank you and today went great thank you. I spent over an hour just talking about my issues and feelings in detail with only a handful of questions from the therapist. She is recommending me for Psychiatry and Clinical Psychology support. This isn't a guarantee as still will be gate kept by the panel. However last time was cookie cutter questions and I wasn't prepared. This time I got my real self across in detail. In a couple of weeks I should hear something.

With regards GRS I am just trying to avoid the top two providers. They are now hugely popular and with that have inflated their prices. Only a year or two back they were similar to what I'm paying now. But with demand they can inflate prices and people will pay. I'll be doing some more checks, but this one that's come through have very decent reviews and word of mouth recommendations. Of course the top two offer perfect aesthetic results and depth, but I'm confident I can get very similar results. I'm not looking for perfection; cis women don't all have perfection I'm sure. If I'm honest I find imperfection to be the most alluring and I've always been passive to these well polished outcomes in any type of beauty. Depth is unimportant as long as there is some, but again reading what I have there is nothing to worry about. Experiences note a great outcome and friendly and welcoming process.

I have very strong intuition - its one of my core strengths. When things feel right then I go for them and its worked well for me. There is a lot of back and forth, but that's my way of processing everything until something feels right. It was the same with my FFS - that was similar as the surgeon had no record of FFS available but I found alternative ways to make the judgement and avoided paying £10k more than I needed to!

Charlotte X

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 30, 2026, 09:50:15 AM@Stottie Girl Thank you and today went great thank you. I spent over an hour just talking about my issues and feelings in detail with only a handful of questions from the therapist. She is recommending me for Psychiatry and Clinical Psychology support. This isn't a guarantee as still will be gate kept by the panel. However last time was cookie cutter questions and I wasn't prepared. This time I got my real self across in detail. In a couple of weeks I should hear something.

With regards GRS I am just trying to avoid the top two providers. They are now hugely popular and with that have inflated their prices. Only a year or two back they were similar to what I'm paying now. But with demand they can inflate prices and people will pay. I'll be doing some more checks, but this one that's come through have very decent reviews and word of mouth recommendations. Of course the top two offer perfect aesthetic results and depth, but I'm confident I can get very similar results. I'm not looking for perfection; cis women don't all have perfection I'm sure. If I'm honest I find imperfection to be the most alluring and I've always been passive to these well polished outcomes in any type of beauty. Depth is unimportant as long as there is some, but again reading what I have there is nothing to worry about. Experiences note a great outcome and friendly and welcoming process.

I have very strong intuition - its one of my core strengths. When things feel right then I go for them and its worked well for me. There is a lot of back and forth, but that's my way of processing everything until something feels right. It was the same with my FFS - that was similar as the surgeon had no record of FFS available but I found alternative ways to make the judgement and avoided paying £10k more than I needed to!

Charlotte X

OK Charlotte, I'm not judging, just looking out for you petal😄

I'm glad your therapist visit went well. Lets hope the referral brings you the help you feel you need.

You seem like you are not risk adverse in life at all! I think I can be too much the other way!

Sarah xx

No worries Sarah, get you and others are concerned. It's easy to accept risk when you're not bothered if you are alive the next day or not! There's little that can hurt me more than my own mind tbh. I guess if things go wrong, to me I would accept it gladly as punishment and abuse to my own body. Saves me doing it. Might sound odd but that's how my mind is working.

Charlotte 😻

Aw don't talk like that Charlotte, I get upset hearing you be so dark. There's loads the world can offer you and you it. The world is a beautiful place full of beautiful people on the whole. Please don't be so dismissive of your place in it. You are valued. You may not be able to see it right now but you will have a bright future, I'm sure of it. Stay shiny.

Sarah xx

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on March 30, 2026, 01:16:23 PMNo worries Sarah, get you and others are concerned. It's easy to accept risk when you're not bothered if you are alive the next day or not! There's little that can hurt me more than my own mind tbh. I guess if things go wrong, to me I would accept it gladly as punishment and abuse to my own body. Saves me doing it. Might sound odd but that's how my mind is working.

Charlotte 😻

Please think and talk more positively Charlotte.  Go for the best thoughts, the best future. 


Chrissy

I've ordered the peel off lip tint product I've been recommended. Hopefully will give me a lift but without the difficulties of lipstick. I'm after impact with minimal effort and downsides. I'll update when I try it!

My head is still numb like pins and needles. This can last a few months so not unexpected. I still tape my nose every night as this reduces risk of getting build up of skin causing a lump at the front. It can be beneficial to do this a few months. I'm much happier with what I see in the mirror now so that's one issue resolved for me at least.

I can't wait until my hair gets longer as that will really help me I think. Also i can try to style it more. Struggle a bit with it being shorter.

Charlotte 😻

I am so glad your recovery is going so well!

You are beautiful.

Quote from: Dances With Trees on March 31, 2026, 09:26:17 AMI am so glad your recovery is going so well!

You are beautiful.

Thank youuu and same back to you...also beautiful.

Sending lots of love and hugs x

I have firmed up my GRS surgeon now and they are now sorting out my plan for February. Totally excited about getting the right bits next year now.

I'm sure it'll be very uncomfortable for the first days, but at least I know I can handle this kinda stuff now.

Charlotte 😻

I hope it goes as well as my op did, didn't need any pain meds . Okay you wont be doing the can can for a bit but I managed the stairs okay when I got home.

I have a similar numbness - the front top of my head is numb for a few inches behind the forehead incision. It feels weird and disconcerting. But it does get a little better every day.

Quote from: davina61 on March 31, 2026, 01:02:20 PMI hope it goes as well as my op did, didn't need any pain meds . Okay you wont be doing the can can for a bit but I managed the stairs okay when I got home.

I'll be very happy it I don't have pain and can move freely like you did after yours. The stay in hospital is 6 nights for me, then 2 weeks in a hotel. I think I'm most worried about being catheterized. After my FFS I wanted it straight out. But for GRS will be in a few days and feels weird. And using the loo after stings so bad! I've paid for exit seats on plane home so lots of legroom.

But worth the discomfort for the outcome.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, I'm sorry I haven't been around more to acknowledge your posts. Spring is fully springing here, and the garden is trying to outrun me. But I'm gaining on it!

I just want to tell you that I see you both wrestling with your demons while also loving yourself as best you can and continuing to steer your life in the direction you want to go. And I know that's not easy. *But you're doing it*, and I admire that deeply.

Your fan,
Pema

Quote from: Pema on March 31, 2026, 03:40:59 PMCharlotte, I'm sorry I haven't been around more to acknowledge your posts. Spring is fully springing here, and the garden is trying to outrun me. But I'm gaining on it!

I just want to tell you that I see you both wrestling with your demons while also loving yourself as best you can and continuing to steer your life in the direction you want to go. And I know that's not easy. *But you're doing it*, and I admire that deeply.

Your fan,
Pema

Thank you so much Pema and totally get it. Spring is such a beautiful season with everything springing to life, luscious and green. It's my favorite time of year, as it invokes hope and growth. Seeing everything spring up after rain, followed by the sun is the finest experience.

Getting there day by day. Monday was a big step with the therapist clearly agreeing my case is far too complex for the normal councelling service. And then recommending psychiatric support. Of course I'll keep updating here with everything both good and bad!

And wow...I have a fan 😊

Charlotte 😻

I agree with Pema.

What you have been through, and yet you continue to push forward, is the very definition of courage!

Keep being you. You are a very inspiring woman.

Hugs!

I'm proud of you so much to go through and you persist. You are a true warrior woman. Keep it up we are behind you

Swelling on the side of my head has got bigger with a pocket with some fluid in it. Tender to the touch but doesn't hurt generally. The feel of it makes me cringe though and feel nauseous!

Really tired as they closed the main carriageway to my work for 11 days due to HS2 works. Getting up at 5.30 to set off early and miss the traffic. Way home though is now taking an hour so twice as long as my normal commute. Don't think that's helping as the swelling is worse after my day at work. Oh well at least it's Easter soon and I can stay in bed until lunch time a few days.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on April 01, 2026, 10:36:03 AMSwelling on the side of my head has got bigger with a pocket with some fluid in it. Tender to the touch but doesn't hurt generally. The feel of it makes me cringe though and feel nauseous!

Have you checked in with the surgeon about it?

I wouldn't just wait and see. It doesn't hurt to ask. If they think it is serious, get to an ER. You don't want to take chances with your brain-bucket. Seriously. Call them.

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 01, 2026, 10:40:28 AMHave you checked in with the surgeon about it?

I wouldn't just wait and see. It doesn't hurt to ask. If they think it is serious, get to an ER. You don't want to take chances with your brain-bucket. Seriously. Call them.

Nah as it's not hot so don't think it's infected. I'll see if it goes down in a few days or so. Not worried  it's just annoying! Apparently this can happen for months after.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on April 01, 2026, 10:45:11 AMNah as it's not hot so don't think it's infected. I'll see if it goes down in a few days or so. Not worried  it's just annoying! Apparently this can happen for months after.

Charlotte 😻

Maybe show your GP then Charlotte? or call NHS direct and see what they say?

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on April 01, 2026, 10:45:11 AMNah as it's not hot so don't think it's infected. I'll see if it goes down in a few days or so. Not worried  it's just annoying! Apparently this can happen for months after.

Charlotte 😻

OK. I wasn't concerned with infection so much as fluid buildup that might need to be drained.

If it needs to be drained I'll have to arrange that privately as the NHS won't touch private work unless it's life threatening e.g. infection. I know some places to do it if need be.

Charlotte 😻

I'd be having someone take a look at that as soon as I could. Please don't wait for it to become urgent.

I've got so much cuteness in my wardrobe and these I've not even worn out yet. Next furry meet maybe if warm enough. I just need a way to get better pictures. I love fashion and need to find a way to show it off better.

My home lighting is for mood not photos. And my rooms are tiny and cluttered. Maybe need to do outdoors.

(https://i.postimg.cc/SKP46YGL/20260401-201821-4.jpg)

              😀
Charlotte:
Definitely a cute outfit for your next outing or furry meeting.
Danielle

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on April 01, 2026, 02:46:37 PMI've got so much cuteness in my wardrobe and these I've not even worn out yet. Next furry meet maybe if warm enough. I just need a way to get better pictures. I love fashion and need to find a way to show it off better.

My home lighting is for mood not photos. And my rooms are tiny and cluttered. Maybe need to do outdoors.

(https://i.postimg.cc/SKP46YGL/20260401-201821-4.jpg)

is that a Rah Rah skirt like in the 80's?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 01, 2026, 03:13:44 PMis that a Rah Rah skirt like in the 80's?

Yeah all frilly mesh and very thick. From one of the Kawaii cutesy fashion shops. I need to get out with this one asap!

Only just noticed it's April now so. my 12 month Anniversary of starting HRT.

Charlotte 😻

Congratulations Charlotte! I wish I had made a note when I started, I can't even remember the year! ha ha!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on April 02, 2026, 02:01:10 AMCongratulations Charlotte! I wish I had made a note when I started, I can't even remember the year! ha ha!

I only know as I have the email invoice still from when I ordered it online!

Today's cute work outfit!

(https://i.postimg.cc/tTnRFq03/20260402-124652-2.jpg)

Looking good, Charlotte!!!

Still when I think about it I don't know exactly why I started transitioning. It was an experiment one year ago, I decided I wanted to be more feminine/androgynous. Since then it's just stuck and progressed.

But I don't feel like a woman. Bur neither do I feel like a man. All I know is that I really hate masculinity and everything about it. So that's possibly the driver. I do get euphoria from femininity at least.

The weird thing is I don't see Charlotte as me but never also saw Christopher as me either. These all feel third person. Just manifestations of myself that aren't really mys3lf.

The real me I don't want to exist in the world and I really don't like. So I try to keep them locked away. Forgotten about. There is no persona or gender I can attach to the real me. They are just a notional ball of confusion, childishness and darkness. An entity that has never grown up and never found it's place in the world. A soul that never became is completely detached from the body it inhabits. Because I can't let that soul be visible and it's completely dysfunctional, I have to construct versions of me that I can face the world with.

Still really confused!

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Yesterday at 03:07:22 AMStill when I think about it I don't know exactly why I started transitioning. It was an experiment one year ago, I decided I wanted to be more feminine/androgynous. Since then it's just stuck and progressed.

But I don't feel like a woman. Bur neither do I feel like a man. All I know is that I really hate masculinity and everything about it. So that's possibly the driver. I do get euphoria from femininity at least.

The weird thing is I don't see Charlotte as me but never also saw Christopher as me either. These all feel third person. Just manifestations of myself that aren't really mys3lf.

The real me I don't want to exist in the world and I really don't like. So I try to keep them locked away. Forgotten about. There is no persona or gender I can attach to the real me. They are just a notional ball of confusion, childishness and darkness. An entity that has never grown up and never found it's place in the world. A soul that never became is completely detached from the body it inhabits. Because I can't let that soul be visible and it's completely dysfunctional, I have to construct versions of me that I can face the world with.

Still really confused!

Charlotte 😻

I think I understand this. Maybe more than I am comfortable admitting.

If you could give voice to the real you, what would that be? Outside of gender. If you could put form to the formless... how would that manifest?

Quote from: Sephirah on Yesterday at 03:24:56 AMI think I understand this. Maybe more than I am comfortable admitting.

If you could give voice to the real you, what would that be? Outside of gender. If you could put form to the formless... how would that manifest?

That's a very complex one Lauren and thanks for asking. I don't think they would have a voice. They would just scream at having to exist in this dimension. I think all they want is to be a child with no adult expectations or pressures. To just live out the rest of the time with no requirements or demands. The weight of this existence lifted away. Complete freedom to express as they wish, depending how they feel. Totally flexible so they are never the same, just evolving.

I wonder if my inside is partly demonic. Before I transitioned I was troubled by thoughts of people suffering or being humiliated which went through my head regularly. I dont get them much at all now. I also see 666 all the time in my life. Pops up so often. My dad seemed very demonic at times.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Yesterday at 04:10:01 AMThat's a very complex one Lauren and thanks for asking. I don't think they would have a voice. They would just scream at having to exist in this dimension. I think all they want is to be a child with no adult expectations or pressures. To just live out the rest of the time with no requirements or demands. The weight of this existence lifted away. Complete freedom to express as they wish, depending how they feel. Totally flexible so they are never the same, just evolving.

I wonder if my inside is partly demonic. Before I transitioned I was troubled by thoughts of people suffering or being humiliated which went through my head regularly. I dont get them much at all now. I also see 666 all the time in my life. Pops up so often. My dad seemed very demonic at times.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, from reading how you express yourself and how you are... I don't think there's anything demonic about you. Or, if there is, you probably should be worried about renouncing your ID. Because I think most of you is quite the opposite. I think you're incredibly hard on yourself, honey. A lot to do with your dad. And you've internalised a lot of things. Blame yourself for a lot of things that really aren't your fault. It's caused you to see yourself a certain way. I'm not going to go full shrink, haha. Because this isn't the place. Other than to say... I think you are very fragile, and very beautiful, and you're dealing with a lot, Charlotte. A lot that I'm not sure even you fully understand. You have a lot of scars that... I feel like you're not sure where the itches come from sometimes. And I hope... that you can find, and treat them, sweetie. Because I think that... hmm... you've created a shell around yourself that you're reluctant to leave. For obvious reasons. But I see how you are when you do... and, that girl is someone worth encouraging.

Sorry. I can be more intrusive than I intend a lot of the time. It's just... I think you are worth believing in, Charlotte. I think you've been through a lot, and need time to work out how to process it all. I think you will get there. If you are demonic, then there's no hope for humanity. :) That's all I'm saying.

@Sephirah Thank you for your care. Some of what you say there is what my therapist put to me before I was discharged. Never got to explore it in depth. I'm hopeful soon that'll change when / if the NHS cogs finally start moving! They don't work fast...it's been over a year since I went in with pains in the rear and found I got polyps which need removing! Still awaiting my operation to remove them.

Charlotte 😻

Pretty sure glaciers move faster than the NHS. But like I said, it's a numbers game.

I hope you can effect climate change though, Charlotte. Because I think you deserve to work through everything and get to a place you feel okay with yourself. Whatever that takes. Not a prescription, or a bunch of homework, but someone to listen. It's quite amazing how often that's what someone needs, but never gets.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Yesterday at 04:43:39 AM@Sephirah Thank you for your care. Some of what you say there is what my therapist put to me before I was discharged. Never got to explore it in depth. I'm hopeful soon that'll change when / if the NHS cogs finally start moving! They don't work fast...it's been over a year since I went in with pains in the rear and found I got polyps which need removing! Still awaiting my operation to remove them.

Charlotte 😻

It's nice to see you have hope within you Charlotte. You seem to have a war raging in your mind switching from the dark to the light all the time. I hope the upcoming treatment can help you learn to live at peace with who you are.

You have shown everyone on here real kindness. You were the first to welcome me in this place. I struggle to believe you have such darkness in you. If you do it's a very small part.

Well I've let off some steam shooting some targets with my air gun. I'm having to learn go shoot left handed because I'm right handed but left eye dominant. Add to this everything in my right eye is heavily blurred and can't be corrected as has been since I was young.

Hopefully holding left handed will start to feel more natural over time. As a note if I lost my left eye I'd  no longer be able to drive or read.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Stottie Girl on Yesterday at 05:44:44 AMIt's nice to see you have hope within you Charlotte. You seem to have a war raging in your mind switching from the dark to the light all the time. I hope the upcoming treatment can help you learn to live at peace with who you are.

You have shown everyone on here real kindness. You were the first to welcome me in this place. I struggle to believe you have such darkness in you. If you do it's a very small part.

Thanks Sarah. You are such a kind sweetheart. I have to keep some hope or my life is basically over. Oddly I'm very optimistic at the point of occurrence, always thinking each event in my life will go ok. Keeping positivity on that surface level. It's deeper in my mind that the darkness lives. I'm both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Very indicative of my mind being in the 3rd person. I have a lot of internal dialogue and conversations all day, every day. I don't know if that's normal or not!

Hope you're getting towards feeling better today. You don't deserve such pain.

Charlotte 😻

I'm left eye dominant too. It's a bit of a pain in photography as it means my nose is squished up against the camera and with the advent of touchscreens I'm forever changing settings inadvertently. Word of advice, if I ever lend you my camera give it a clean first ha ha!

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Yesterday at 05:51:40 AMThanks Sarah. You are such a kind sweetheart. I have to keep some hope or my life is basically over. Oddly I'm very optimistic at the point of occurrence, always thinking each event in my life will go ok. Keeping positivity on that surface level. It's deeper in my mind that the darkness lives. I'm both hopeful and hopeless at the same time. Very indicative of my mind being in the 3rd person. I have a lot of internal dialogue and conversations all day, every day. I don't know if that's normal or not!

Hope you're getting towards feeling better today. You don't deserve such pain.

Charlotte 😻

Thanks Charlotte.

I've lived alone all my life so I'm not only having conversations with myself in my head I'm often catching myself vocalising out loud sometimes! Seems totally normal to me "twitches".

Quote from: Stottie Girl on Yesterday at 05:54:06 AMI'm left eye dominant too. It's a bit of a pain in photography as it means my nose is squished up against the camera and with the advent of touchscreens I'm forever changing settings inadvertently. Word of advice, if I ever lend you my camera give it a clean first ha ha!

Oh yeah I've done the same, it's very awkward. I can do the same with my rifle but then it's not anchored into my shoulder enough. Today it kicked and hurt my new nose trying that method! So I changed to left hand and wasn't too bad. It's only an air rifle but because it's legal limit it still recoils if not pushed tight into the shoulder.

Charlotte 😻

Each season my local vets has these cute murals painted in their windows. Every time they make me smile on my way home. I then take my boyfriend out to see them too so we can smile and laugh together.

(https://i.postimg.cc/ZKWDdh8H/20260403-193116.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/Qd54fknM/20260403-193056.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/dVdH5mSV/20260403-193101.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/fRX28jgV/20260403-193107.jpg)

Those are great!

Made me smile, too.

The more I think about my journey the more I realize that I don't actually know why I decided to transition one year ago. The only thing I can remember is one afternoon coming to the decision to seek a more non binary presentation and experiment with HRT to see how this might work.

I'm becoming more sure every day that internally I'm completely agender. I had no dysphoria as a man. But at the same time I didn't carry myself as a man. I've always despised masculinity and never felt truly comfortable around or trusting of men. I wore female clothes and obsessed over cute things. That was probably enough to keep me happy. But at the same time if I was truly male inside I would get dysphoria from transitioning, which I'm not. I feel euphoric transitioning to a woman. Now I have tasted my life as a woman, I feel dysphoria about my male traits and would never want to go back.

Part of me however is still comfortable being half and half. Inhibiting this queer space of gender which is neither male or female. I could be very happy as an obvious transgender person. Presenting heavily female but with other aspects completely against expected gender norms. But that would make my life in society extremely uncomfortable. So I feel compelled to pass because of these expected gender norms.

Add to this my own deep insecurities mean I compare myself to others. I feel inferior as I'm not as womanly as many other trans people, then this makes me depressed. But deep down I don't even know if that's what I desire. I think maybe I want to be able to pass as a beautiful woman some days. But others I just want to be my agender self.

It gets harder though because I feel ugly. I just look weird and unattractive. I really hate my face and body. I try to convince myself to like them, but know I'm just lying to myself. Everyone out there just sees an ugly freak. An ugly man. People say otherwise but I know that's just because they're trying to be nice and unoffensive. People generally lie to spare feelings unless they are deliberately trying to hurt. Unfortunately I'm not stupid enough to not realize this! I wish I was. I wish people would be truthful so I didn't get my hopes up just to keep falling. Each fall destroys more of my mind.

As a side I think a couple of things happened before I decided to trabsition. I had my main fursona drawn as a female. The way this made me feel was pure elation. I'd never experienced such a strong attachment between my mind and my fursona. I wanted to be her. Badly. Also big changes in my life seem to follow periods of extreme stress and breakdowns. I had a few before I transitioned.

Well maybe I've made some sense of this or I'm still confused. I don't really know! There is still a big gap at the point I decided to transition and I'm sure that decision was made in about 30 seconds at most. I really don't understand why big life decisions are just tiny insignificant whims to me.

Charlotte 😻

You're amazing and beautiful.  Stay positive, you're loved

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on Today at 08:37:58 AMYou're amazing and beautiful.  Stay positive, you're loved

Thanks. I wish I believed it in myself. Honestly I just don't want to be here anymore. Every day is just a prison sentence. I wish I could donate my life to someone that could make use of it.

Charlotte please don't talk like that it's very upsetting to people that love you. You have friends and support.  Take a breath and find your joy. I know as well as anyone it's hard sometimes. Always know there are people here for you.

Love is everywhere, sometimes you just need to open your eyes to it

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 07:11:10 AMThe more I think about my journey the more I realize that I don't actually know why I decided to transition one year ago. The only thing I can remember is one afternoon coming to the decision to seek a more non binary presentation and experiment with HRT to see how this might work.

I'm becoming more sure every day that internally I'm completely agender. I had no dysphoria as a man. But at the same time I didn't carry myself as a man. I've always despised masculinity and never felt truly comfortable around or trusting of men. I wore female clothes and obsessed over cute things. That was probably enough to keep me happy. But at the same time if I was truly male inside I would get dysphoria from transitioning, which I'm not. I feel euphoric transitioning to a woman. Now I have tasted my life as a woman, I feel dysphoria about my male traits and would never want to go back.

Part of me however is still comfortable being half and half. Inhibiting this queer space of gender which is neither male or female. I could be very happy as an obvious transgender person. Presenting heavily female but with other aspects completely against expected gender norms. But that would make my life in society extremely uncomfortable. So I feel compelled to pass because of these expected gender norms.

Add to this my own deep insecurities mean I compare myself to others. I feel inferior as I'm not as womanly as many other trans people, then this makes me depressed. But deep down I don't even know if that's what I desire. I think maybe I want to be able to pass as a beautiful woman some days. But others I just want to be my agender self.

It gets harder though because I feel ugly. I just look weird and unattractive. I really hate my face and body. I try to convince myself to like them, but know I'm just lying to myself. Everyone out there just sees an ugly freak. An ugly man. People say otherwise but I know that's just because they're trying to be nice and unoffensive. People generally lie to spare feelings unless they are deliberately trying to hurt. Unfortunately I'm not stupid enough to not realize this! I wish I was. I wish people would be truthful so I didn't get my hopes up just to keep falling. Each fall destroys more of my mind.

As a side I think a couple of things happened before I decided to transition. I had my main fursona drawn as a female. The way this made me feel was pure elation. I'd never experienced such a strong attachment between my mind and my fursona. I wanted to be her. Badly. Also big changes in my life seem to follow periods of extreme stress and breakdowns. I had a few before I transitioned.

Well maybe I've made some sense of this or I'm still confused. I don't really know! There is still a big gap at the point I decided to transition and I'm sure that decision was made in about 30 seconds at most. I really don't understand why big life decisions are just tiny insignificant whims to me.

Charlotte 😻

Phew, that's a very deep download of your thoughts there Charlotte. A lot to unpick!

Ok, I'm going to be as honest as I dare and please remember that this is only my opinion so take it with a pinch of salt.

I'm sure we all look in the mirror and see things we hate about ourselves (I know I do), proof that we don't conform to the image we want to portray. But the unfortunate truth is we won't ever look like Scarlett Johanssen. Most of us will have to deal with body image issues sadly. It is highly likely we won't be very attractive women when we transition. But we will be women, and that is enough for me really. The question is  do you feel the same? Otherwise you could be setting yourself unattainable goals.

It isn't fair but that's the lottery of life. Some people are born beautiful, others born ugly, most of us fall somewhere inbetween. Sometimes the perceptions of what is beautiful change over time. Beauty is also in the eye of the beholder. There are many ugly or average looking women (and men) who lead beautiful, loving and happy lives and find the partner of their dreams (you are ahead of me on that front!). As I've said before, you play the cards you are dealt, there is no point being upset over the hand you have been given as it's a game of chance.

I have to say and please don't take this the wrong way, but reading your post I would pose a question. Do you really need GCS? What are you hoping to achieve with it? No one on the outside will know as it won't affect your outward appearance. if you are comfortable presenting half way who ever said you have to complete the transition. Lots of girls don't and they are very happy. You sound full of turmoil in your head and so confused over what you want. I hope your upcoming psychiatric appointments can help you make sense of it all.

You seem to be racing ahead with life changing surgery but you aren't sure what you want as your end goal. It is screaming out to me that maybe you should think about pressing the pause button for a little bit until you are certain that GCS will give you the resuts you crave. There is no going back once you commit.

Are you even sure that you are transgender? You sound like there is a possiblity that you could be genderfluid. There is nothing wrong with inhabiting that space, even if maybe it's only temporary until you learn what is right for you.

If you only suddenly decided to transition 1 year ago that isn't a lot of time to process everything mentally. You do not have to race through these changes. A period of reflection might be advisable.

This is only my two cents. I am nowhere near an expert, just someone looking out for you. You wanted people to stop lying, well there is my truthful opinion. It won't affect the way I think about you what ever path you choose.

Sarah xx

I agree with Sarah.

When I started transitioning, I was convinced that I wanted GCS NOW! Due to various life circumstances, I realized that it may not be practical after six years. My goal has never been to become a beautiful woman. I have always felt that I am a woman, so I asked myself if I could be happy being seen as a woman, even if it is as an ugly old woman. Once I accepted that the ideal outcome was beyond my grasp, I focused on accepting the cards I was dealt.

I do not concern myself much with outward appearances. I have many interests that allow me to focus on things that do not upset me. I focus on things that interest me and make me happy.

I have the benefit of training and experience in hypnotherapy, so I use what I have learned to help me through tough times and break the negative thoughts spiral. You know that you go through these periods occasionally and that they will pass.

Something I have taught others is to use known methods to change their thinking as they work through this.

1. Change what you are thinking about. Focus on something else.
2. Change your activity. Do something that requires your attention. That changes your thinking, too. Watch a movie, play a video game, or read a book.
3. Change your environment. Go for a walk, take a drive, visit someone. This changes your activity and your attention focus.

I agree with Sarah and Kellie that what we see is a beautiful woman. Part of your gender fluidity, which you are so open about, is one of the many things that make you beautiful. I see how you interact with people here. You are warm and caring, and there is nothing ugly about that. You can do that whether you are wearing pants or a dress (or both).

Sometimes we need to experiment to understand what we are comfortable with and to find what makes us happy. Changing our looks, our dress, or even something as simple as carrying a small token to remind us of who we are. A bracelet, a Hello Kitty keychain, a colored ribbon, or anything that makes you smile. There is a reason ancient people carried talismans, and it wasn't all about worship or good luck.

Go easy on yourself. Let your body heal. Rest your mind. Then, when you are calm, think about what you want to do next, whether it is surgery or just going shopping.

I definitely know I don't want to be a man anymore. I'd rip those bits down there off myself if I could. I've already tried to break them a few times. I'm our right now but just numb to everything. Nothing strikes my interst. Everything is just boring the hell out of me

I understand being numb and everything being boring.
I work not to get ahead but to maintain. My wife and I made some bad decisions and owe the government a lot of money.
There are always things that get us down. Sometimes the only joy is something silly and small, but it gets me through the day. Other times I fight just to make it through the day. Everyone has their demons but there are angles out there. You have goals sometimes the wise choice is to look at your goals and evaluate them. The nice thing about goals is they can be adjusted.
My therapist said something to me that made me stop. She told me I need to give myself grace. I try to give it to everyone else and hold myself to a standard I hold no one else to.
Give yourself grace. Take a walk past you veterinarian look at the window mural. Hold your sweethearts hand and walk in the rain. Let your brain focus on something else. Cook a meal and share it with friends.
Remember what you have and think of the now for a bit. The future can be overwhelming, but you don't have to try to control it. Every day is a step towards it but it's always the future and us just out of reach

Sorry if that comes out as a ramble

Also I'm really fed up with the narrative that to be a trans woman I need to wear makeup and do my hair all the time. We've agreed now I'm ugly looking. Why would I want to waste my time on this every day! I just want to be me my way without the constant pressure I should present a certain way. Most my life I can't be bothered to exist. So doing anything more than the minimum is top much. Yet everyone thinks I'm less of a woman because of this.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 12:21:06 PMI definitely know I don't want to be a man anymore. I'd rip those bits down there off myself if I could. I've already tried to break them a few times. I'm our right now but just numb to everything. Nothing strikes my interst. Everything is just boring the hell out of me

I hope you don't start harming yourself Charlotte, please don't do that to yourself. That will achieve nothing and I suspect deep down you know this. The fact you have considered it or maybe even done it before is clear evidence of the turmoil I'm referring to.

Being agender/genderfluid means you aren't a man, or a woman. You inhabit a space uniquely between the genders. That has benefits as well as negatives. Maybe you can be truly happy there?

I worry that you feel that not being a man means you must be a woman and that when you are one, all your troubles will be solved. This may not be the case. You may not achieve the happiness and peace you are craving as a woman. I will reiterate that I truly believe you need to press pause and think long and hard about your next steps preferably with the assistance of professional help.

I know some of Lori's suggestions may seem simple but I would strongly advise a change of scene if you are struggling to engage with other interests. It does not do to dwell on such dark thoughts. Simply going somewhere peaceful or somewhere you have never been before can calm or distract the mind and provide some clarity of thought.

I'm not saying any of these things to be harsh or cruel, I care about you and am simply trying to protect you from yourself until you can take a breath and think clearly. It may turn out that fully transitioning is absolutely the right way to go but it may not and if you have put yourself in a corner through surgery you may be even more unhappy. I don't want that for you. You deserve so much more.

You are loved

Sarah xxx

I haven't worn any of my wigs since last year.

I wore makeup last week for a video appointment with the VA, but usually I don't.

I am comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt, and a baseball cap. I don't even shave every day because it irritates my skin. Electrolysis is working well, so now I have less to worry about. It is about my comfort level, not anyone else's.

People look at my profile pic and comment on how beautiful I am. That is not how I look day to day. That pic is from 2023. I was experimenting with makeup to go with my new topper wig. I spent four hours playing with different things and then stopped. I loved the look and snapped some pictures. Now I use it everywhere online and on my book covers because I like the image, even if it is not a daily reality.

Find what comforts you. Try different things, but don't get frustrated trying to find the perfect image. If something doesn't work, chalk it up to "that's not it" and move on to something else. Not finding what you seek does not mean it doesn't exist. It only means you haven't found it yet.

If I gave up whenever I didn't find gold, I would have none. If you have seen my Gold Gallery photo album, you know what persistence can bring you. The same thing applies to searching for the right look or ways to remain happy.

You've got this. And you know it too. You know you have been through this before, and you made it through just fine. The only way to fail is to give up. Never surrender.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 12:44:16 PMAlso I'm really fed up with the narrative that to be a trans woman I need to wear makeup and do my hair all the time. We've agreed now I'm ugly looking. Why would I want to waste my time on this every day! I just want to be me my way without the constant pressure I should present a certain way. Most my life I can't be bothered to exist. So doing anything more than the minimum is top much. Yet everyone thinks I'm less of a woman because of this.

Nobody said you were ugly honey, besides, it makes no difference what other people think at the end of the day, it is you who sees you every day. You are the only one who needs to be happy with the way you look or at least accept that you are the best version of you that you can be. It's all just image, there is so much more to humans than the outer layer.

Nobody thinks less of you if you don't do make up or hair petal. It is not written that you have to do any of that bull crap if you don't want to. A lot of us do it because we enjoy it but if it doesn't bring you happiness then sod it, don't bother. Lots of women choose to be makeup free and don't bother with their hair. It's way more common than you think.

Take a breath Charlotte. Slow your thoughts and come back to us, Where's our bubbly Furry gone to?

Charlotte, sweetie I think you're dealing with some things that go beyond gender, or being trans entirely. Things that might have gotten mixed up in there and you're not sure how to separate them. Or perhaps associate one with the other. Or maybe have never been given the opportunity to work out.

Can I ask you a question? Okay... take the world away for a moment. Take away anything you think people expect of you. Or how other people see you. Take away everything you think you have to be, to fit in with the world around you. Focus for a moment on just... a room, okay? With a big mirror on one wall. Nothing else. No one else. Just you, in this room. You look into this mirror. Who do you see looking back at you? Can you describe this person for me? In as much detail as you feel comfortable with.

There are a couple of things I just want to really mention, from what you've said, honey.

Firstly this:

QuoteAdd to this my own deep insecurities mean I compare myself to others. I feel inferior as I'm not as womanly as many other trans people, then this makes me depressed. But deep down I don't even know if that's what I desire. I think maybe I want to be able to pass as a beautiful woman some days. But others I just want to be my agender self.

Define "womanly", Charlotte. What is it that you see that you think other people have that you think you don't? Is it a certain way of acting? Or speaking? Or how someone looks? Or something else? I could tell you that, from getting to know you through your words, I find you to be very warm, very nurturing, very encouraging, very kind, sensitive and approachable. Emotionally aware and with a huge capacity to make others feel wanted. Would they factor into your view of what "womanly" means? Or is it something else?

And also this:

QuoteIt gets harder though because I feel ugly. I just look weird and unattractive. I really hate my face and body. I try to convince myself to like them, but know I'm just lying to myself. Everyone out there just sees an ugly freak. An ugly man. People say otherwise but I know that's just because they're trying to be nice and unoffensive. People generally lie to spare feelings unless they are deliberately trying to hurt. Unfortunately I'm not stupid enough to not realize this! I wish I was. I wish people would be truthful so I didn't get my hopes up just to keep falling. Each fall destroys more of my mind.

The part I've emboldened is important because it influences everything that comes after it. When someone feels a certain way about themselves, they go out of their way to try and prove it. It's like looking at the world through a fixed lens. You see something and that's all you see. Any evidence to the contrary is invisible because the mind makes it so. We are always looking for things to reinforce how we feel about ourselves. And if that is negative, then everything you think, see and feel goes towards cementing this view of yourself. Regardless of whether how you feel is objectively accurate or not. That's irrelevant. It doesn't matter. Because we see the world based on how we feel. Reality is perception. We create our own subjective view of the world.

Like you say, if someone doesn't agree with how you feel about yourself, they must be lying. Or doing something to make you feel better. They must be wrong. Because you must be right. It's the messed up way our brains work, sweetie. Ask yourself whether it's you not being stupid enough to be ignorant of something... or whether it's you wanting to believe something because it reinforces the way you already feel and proves you were right all along.

*big massive hugs*

Listen, Charlotte, I really think that some, or maybe a lot of what you're dealing with... has nothing to do with gender. And that it is just an expression of it rather than a cause of it. Is it possible for you to talk to someone about your feelings of not wanting to exist? Or feeling like the world has nothing for you? Because... I suspect that might come from somewhere else entirely. And you might understand how you feel about your gender better if you can tackle these other parts of how you feel, separate from it.

In any case, it's good that you're talking about it, sweetie. It helps to get things out. That's a bigger step than you maybe realise. And you don't have to deal with anything alone, okay?

*extra hugs* <3

I don't recall anyone agree you were ugly. No one says you have to do anything. I won't be wearing makeup everyday. Hell I still have a goatee and mustache.

Honestly I know for certain I still want to transition. Transitioning was never expected to fix these issues as I know they are born from elsewhere. I was exactly the same in boymode. I have very bad self image and self esteem issues. It's not surprising.

I just want to be me in my way without feeling totally inferior. Like I'm not a real woman. Not a real trans woman. I'm betting now there's loads of cis women who feel exactly like I do. Pressured to be a certain way when they don't want to.

I really don't like going through processes. They stress me out. I hate uncertainty. I hate unpredictability. I just want predictability and certainty. I've never felt any different. I really avoid new experiences wherever possible. But on the flip side I'm bored of the status quo. It's a catch 22.

Charlotte, I think you and I have a lot in common. I believe I have body/face dysmorphia. This means I can't see myself the way others see me. I can't see myself in a positive way. If someone told me I was handsome as a boy, I didn't believe them. I was so ashamed of my body, I couldn't go swimming after the age or 14 or 15. High school was difficult. Relationships were difficult.

I'm only just starting to find some positivity as a woman. I like myself a lot more but it's a long process. But the overarching thing, the thing I have to remember is that all of this comes from inside of my brain. I'm speaking to the physical aspects of my existence in this case, but basically I know that I have to decide to like, nay, to love myself, as hard as it is. It's a choice I have to make. It's really that simple - in theory, at least.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 01:40:52 PMI just want to be me in my way without feeling totally inferior. Like I'm not a real woman. Not a real trans woman. I'm betting now there's loads of cis women who feel exactly like I do. Pressured to be a certain way when they don't want to.

Charlotte, you could probably apply that to every person on the planet, regardless of gender identity. We grow up in a world where peer pressure seemingly makes the rules. It's herd mentality. Where you feel you have to live up to this standard because other people feel they have to live up to the same standard. We basically all put each other on pedestals and then wonder why we all start to wobble from time to time.

The self-image and self esteem issues are things you can work on, sweetie. You don't have to deal with them forever, okay? They are, essentially, a blueprint you've laid down for yourself detailing how you feel about yourself based on little more than your own opinion. And... opinions can change. It's not something you have to struggle with forever, Charlotte. It can be hard work, but change often is. It's also often worth it. :)

Thanks everyone and sorry I'm a total emotional car crash.

I feel absolutely exhausted now and a bit sickly. It's weird though as getting off the train a little while ago I caught my reflection in the window. In that instant the first thing I saw was a woman. And there was what looked likely to be a cis woman sitting over the way. She looked very similar to me.

Charlotte 😻

Hope you feel better soon. Everyone is self conscious in some way. Some hide it better than other. Get some food, rest and a big hug from your sweetie

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 02:45:27 PMThanks everyone and sorry I'm a total emotional car crash.

I feel absolutely exhausted now and a bit sickly. It's weird though as getting off the train a little while ago I caught my reflection in the window. In that instant the first thing I saw was a woman. And there was what looked likely to be a cis woman sitting over the way. She looked very similar to me.

Charlotte 😻

There she is! Nice to have you back with us Charlotte. You scared me a bit there!

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 02:45:27 PMI caught my reflection in the window. In that instant the first thing I saw was a woman. And there was what looked likely to be a cis woman sitting over the way. She looked very similar to me.

That is one of the most affirming moments. I still remember the first time I looked in a mirror and saw HER. Remember this. Remember what you saw and how it made you feel. You caught a glimpse of what we see.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on Today at 02:52:56 PMThere she is! Nice to have you back with us Charlotte. You scared me a bit there!

I don't but barely know Charlotte and it scared me.

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 02:45:27 PMThanks everyone and sorry I'm a total emotional car crash.

I feel absolutely exhausted now and a bit sickly. It's weird though as getting off the train a little while ago I caught my reflection in the window. In that instant the first thing I saw was a woman. And there was what looked likely to be a cis woman sitting over the way. She looked very similar to me.

Charlotte 😻

We all are, in our own way, Charlotte. There is never any need to apologise for showing people who care about you what's in your heart, okay? You can't have the light without the dark. You can't have the day without the night. You can't have the cat without the... cat litter?

It's okay, sweetie. You will get through this. Emotions are messy, complicated, sometimes horrible, sometimes wonderful, sometimes completely baffling, but always interesting.

You have people who care about you, and who want the best for you. And are willing to share their view of who you are when sometimes you get lost in your own. The important thing is... you don't keep it inside. And I am the queen of keeping stuff inside. I need people like the people here to bring the jaws of life sometimes. That you're okay talking about all of this is a big positive. And it shows that you haven't given up on you just yet.

Keep talking about it, Charlotte. Whatever it is, however you feel, whatever you see. You are not alone, sweetie.

*massive hugs*

And anyway... people get rescued from car crashes all the time. :P

Sorry I scared you all. I dont mean to and I'm usually ok. Its been about 20 years since I last attempted suicide so i have a little more control these days at least. It's like an out of body experience though. I leave the room, turn into someone else, offload. Then I rebuild myself and feel back in the room. Exhausted but tonnes of weight lifted. I don't quite understand it.

My boyfriend unfortunately has had to witness the full extent of this including hurting myself. I really must avoid that as my head is still healing right now and will probably break before the door now.

Charlotte 😻

Stop apologising, sweetie. It's okay. That's what we're here for. When people don't want to see you at your worst, they don't deserve to see you at your best.

You need to get it out, whatever is eating at you. Whenever you feel overwhelmed.

It's okay to not be okay, Charlotte. It's okay to feel bruised, or battered, or broken. What matters most is that you don't keep it all building inside like a volcano, until it explodes in the form of something that might be too much to undo.

You are as human as the rest of us. We get through it all together, okay? So... when you don't feel okay... talk about it. And let people be there for you. It will be okay.

Never apologise, honey. You have nothing to be sorry for. You are as broken and beautiful as the rest of us. We all just figure it out together. <3

Charlotte if venting your thoughts on here prevents you harming yourself then don't ever apologise, vent away.

Did you say you had an appointment next week with the mental health professionals? You must must tell them everything that's going on in your mind. Don't hold back. Tell them about your journey and the direction you want to go in too as they might be able to steer you in the right direction. They will be able to help you, honest.

Sarah xx

Quote from: Stottie Girl on Today at 03:16:59 PMCharlotte if venting your thoughts on here prevents you harming yourself then don't ever apologise, vent away.

Did you say you had an appointment next week with the mental health professionals? You must must tell them everything that's going on in your mind. Don't hold back. Tell them about your journey and the direction you want to go in too as they might be able to steer you in the right direction. They will be able to help you, honest.

Sarah xx

I had that appointment on Monday and was in for well over an hour telling the therapist everything. She agreed my case was way beyond the councelling service and has recommended psychiatric assessment leading to in depth psychotherapy. However this is no guarantee that I will be accepted for assessment and treatment. I now have to wait as it will go in front of the board to assess and make a decision.

Charlotte 😻

Oh sorry Charlotte, I have totally misunderstood. I thought you were booked in with the psychiatric people. Any idea how long it might take? Doesn't sound like a fast process.

It kind of annoys me how you have to stand trial just to work through what you're dealing with.

When it seems to me that you just need someone to listen to you.

She said 2-3 weeks for a decision then another wait before I get seen. Probably at least a few months knowing these things. I'm on a waiting list with Birmingham LGBT for some trans related councelling too. I'm hoping to work through my gender related thoughts with them at least. Just in limbo right now really whilst awaiting appropriately qualified assistance.

My hope is to get referred for DBT which is most likely what I need. However if I still think there's a chance I have ADHD then there is another different route I need to follow for that. Honestly don't see why I can't go to one professional who works out what's wrong. I have to self diagnose so I can refer myself to who I need. It's all over the place!

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on Today at 03:40:47 PMShe said 2-3 weeks for a decision then another wait before I get seen. Probably at least a few months knowing these things. I'm on a waiting list with Birmingham LGBT for some trans related councelling too. I'm hoping to work through my gender related thoughts with them at least. Just in limbo right now really whilst awaiting appropriately qualified assistance.

My hope is to get referred for DBT which is most likely what I need. However if I still think there's a chance I have ADHD then there is another different route I need to follow for that. Honestly don't see why I can't go to one professional who works out what's wrong. I have to self diagnose so I can refer myself to who I need. It's all over the place!

For those who don't know, DBT is an acronym for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. It's based off CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and follows a lot of similar practices. They are both largely based off examining the views you have about yourself and working on ways to challenge them, in an effort to change them.

I think it could be good for you, Charlotte.

I agree with you and you should just be able to be put in contact with someone who forms a relationship with you, to work out what you're dealing with, and how to work with you to understand how to work on the issues you're facing. It should be far more personal than it is. It's kind of why I want to go into counselling. Which is probably nowhere as in depth as what you ideally want... but I firmly believe that someone just needs someone to listen to them. And ask the right questions.

I did a little bit of CBT when I was dealing with depression and anxiety attacks. It was very helpful indeed.

I thought when you had a history of self harm and suicide they were supposed to treat you as an emergency. Bloody system is kaput! It makes me so cross. They talk a good game but don't follow it up with actions. Hang on in there Charlotte and if you need to vent on here with us in the meantime please do so.

I'll listen and give you a virtual hug.