Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Having had an emotionally rocky festive break with a lot of soul searching, I feel tentatively ready to share my experiences, life and feelings a bit more. Unfortunately these periods of intense emotional instability are not uncommon, and I've been experiencing them since I was 15 or so years old. Sometimes I can go months without any major emotional breakdowns yet some years are almost entirely on the edge. Because of this I struggle to maintain consistency or any kind of interpersonal relationships; I end up disconnecting for long periods should my mind go that way out. Not to mention social stuff can seriously overwhelm my mind and take days of recovery to process, lamenting over every detail of every exchange.

On a positive note I'm getting private therapy to try and work through my long term troubles. Unfortunately any psychiatric help from the NHS is non existent and their talking therapies are far too general. I gain little from the mere 6 sessions I'm entitled to! Where I'm going there are options for therapists with particular specialisms and interests that I can match up with. This is a major benefit.

For years I've suspected that I have Borderline personality disorder. It keeps coming up. Everytime I explore, the experiences and feelings associated with it fit me like a glove. I could go for a private diagnosis, but I have decided instead that I will work with a therapist that has experience with this. Hopefully they will help me to understand myself better and develop some coping strategies. In 2026 I really need to make steps to fix 30 years of rollercoaster emotions!

As for my transition, this year should continue my journey towards the woman I desire to be. On March 9th I will have facial feminization surgery including Type 3 brow bone reduction (scary!!), eyebrow temporal lift, upper blepharoplasty and rhinoplasty. I think these will have a nice impact on my femininity. It will be my first ever surgery and experience of general anaesthesia! My partner will accompany me so I'm in safe hands there at least. I'm tentatively exploring bottom surgery in Thailand too, although this would be in the next couple of years. However early planning is advantageous- I can start hair removal maybe.

Also looking forward in the next 2 weeks to getting my eyebrows microbladed and my hair done a cute red colour. My story will take time, but I feel each little step adds something very special and makes the whole so much more than the sum of it's parts.

Today was my first day back at work after the break. Very few people were in so I managed to get a good few bits sorted. I've finally tested an emergency  lighting driver circuit I've been developing. It can now go out into projects this year so that's a good start to 2026.

Anyway if you've read this far I really appreciate your time and interest in what I'm upto 😊

Love Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, thank you for sharing these reflections.

It seems to me that you're doing a fantastic job of identifying your challenges, finding ways to address them, focusing on your strengths and what you *can* do, and taking concrete steps toward self-improvement. I know that doesn't guarantee feeling the way you want all the time (nothing does!), but I think it's the surest way to get closer to where you want to be. And it's hard work. It's "easier" to stay in the familiar discomfort and complain, but that's not the choice you've made.

All of your efforts to better yourself - and thereby the world around you - inspire me and others. That you share them here with the world, including and maybe especially your uncertainties and your struggles, is a gift to humanity. I mean that sincerely.

As Ashley says, "Onward, brave sister!"

Thank you for your kind words Pema. These words of encouragement and the stories of others I'm seeing around here have all contributed way more than a small part in helping me push forwards.

C 😻

Charlotte, welcome to the Members' Blogs!

Thanks for starting a journal of your journey and sharing it with all of us. This is your home at Susan's Place, where we can catch up with how things are going for you and provide you with a place to document the ups and downs. Years from now, you can come back here and read what you wrote and realize how far you have come.

It s sounds like you have solid plans for moving forward, and I applaud your courage and motivation to keep moving. That will pay off for you down the road.

Congrats!

@Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte:
I am so glad to see that just TODAY you had started your very own Blog Thread
here on the Forum.

Your Blog will become your Journal here on the Forum where you can share your
thoughts and comments regarding your life journey with your readers and followers,
and with other like-minded members. 

In addition to my own Forum Blog Thread, I keep a more private "old school" pen and paper
journal/diary at my home that includes snap shots, hand drawn doodling, and notes and
cards from my dear friends.

On cold, snowy nights, of which there are many here in Alaska where I live, I can be
found in my favorite chair in front of my fireplace reading over past entries, sometimes
with tears in my eyes, and sometimes with laughter.

When you share good news and successes, your followers and readers (me included) will rejoice
with you... and when you report "not-so-good" news we will give your our ears to listen and
our shoulders for you to lean on.

Your BLOG Thread here becomes your HOME here on the FORUM where members here
can easily find you and exchange comments and thoughts with you.

I will continue to follow your updates, postings and reply comments not only here on your
new Blog Thread but also all around the various Topics and Threads available on the Forum.

My best wishes to you for your success and happiness as you continue on in your journey.

Warmly,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator      Direct Email address:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Charlotte!

Welcome to your blog dear sister and congrats on your upcoming procedure!... I had the type 3 re-contouring amongst my procedures... Worry not girl! All shall be well 🙏💕👩👍... I am looking forward to seeing your life, and your blog, blossom before our eyes!

Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Welcome to the basement (my joke as we are at the bottom of the page) , its good to have a place to empty your brain .I just stick whatever is mulling through my brain cell ,I think its like telling your best friend stuff. 

I've been doing some thinking today and questioning whether my desire to fully pass as female is more down to safety / acceptance than my own reasons. I was clear from the start I wanted to persue femininity as this makes me feel alive but also the best version of myself. My current progress and track still fully supports this. However at the earliest stages the backdrop was of an agender / fluid perspective.

Being originally a gay male I have a long and close connection with the overall concept of queerness. Coming from this to being trans and pansexual I still feel this to be a a part of my identity. Now if you asked if I wanted to be a cis women, I'd answer no...very different to many transfemme people I would guess? I feel that ultimately being queer so to speak is me and is a desired part of my identity. I strongly desire femininity but only in a transgender form.

So back to the start. I think I'd be happy to present mostly passing as female but still having something that shows of my male past...that I am trans...that I am queer. Does that sound odd when many want to hide this? I think my desire to fully pass is that I will struggle much more being 75% presenting female than nearer 100%. I find a distinct beauty in people that present a non binary look or sit on the very edges of gender. Part of me wants to retain that in myself. But can I safely do this? Or maybe I choose how and when I do this.

I think I want to retain my womanhood with she/her pronouns. But with the opportunity to flex around my appearance and sometimes show the full unapologetic roots of my queer identity.

Charlotte 😻

Makes perfect sense to me, Charlotte!
I've only been in one intimate relationship with a male and often joked that I was a woman trapped in a man's body. As much as I yearn for a feminine appearance and psyche, I still identify as genderfluid.

Charlotte, I don't think it's odd at all. Unusual? Sure, statistically speaking.

What I personally love about what you're saying is that you want to be the person you feel yourself to be and not conform to other people's standards. And you'd still like to blend enough to be safe. I don't think those are unreasonable desires and, in fact, I think they reflect a self-assurance that I wish everyone had.

I like to hope that as more of us calmly step out into the world and be ourselves - like everyone else in most ways, but like nobody else in a few - it will become commonplace, and bigotry and xenophobia will become increasingly considered pathological and shunned.

I can't say that I consider being queer an essential part of my identity, but it's also not one that I'm ashamed to claim. I am who I am, and I feel no compulsion to hide it or apologize for it. You shouldn't either. You are beautiful as you are, and the world is improved by your full self-expression.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 04, 2026, 04:21:10 PMI think I'd be happy to present mostly passing as female but still having something that shows of my male past...that I am trans...that I am queer. Does that sound odd when many want to hide this?

I think what you are describing is not dysphoria, but alignment. Many of us want to hide parts of ourselves because they represent something that we see as wrong. But what you are describing tells me that you understand yourself quite well. You have looked inside, and you clearly see who you are. You are only trying to figure out how best to express it.

You are correct that remaining in the "uncanny alley" can be dangerous. But that would motivate me to live somewhere more accepting. As for expression, remember that gender is a spectrum, with an infinite number of possibilities. So, expression also has an infinite number of possibilities.

Look at it from all angles. Not just masculine --> feminine. You could also look more like feminine --> masculine. There are many women who wear hairstyles and colors to signal their gender. Some men wear makeup and women's clothes while sporting a beard or moustache. It isn't a matter of right or wrong; it is about how you feel about your look, getting close to that, then tweaking your style so it is exactly right.

You are going about this the right way. You are looking carefully at what you want to express. Just keep experimenting until you find the right fit.

I thought I would never pass but to my surprize I do unless I am in my working on the hot rod gear, just my voice lets me down sometimes. I am happy on my own but if it happens who/what ever they are it happens ,not that I am looking at 70 years old!

Well my region is covered in snow which made my journey to work more interesting! After sliding out on a corner of my road last year and hitting a parked vehicle, I'm now fearful of any speed on my snow covered street. That episode increased my insurance by over £200 this year. It would have been more if hadn't have fixed my own car myself.This morning was -5C but didn't feel so cold. It's not stopped my kitty going out to play and leave her paw prints in the snow!

Most people were back at work and we have solid plans to improve operations and reliability. Hopefully this means I won't have so many panic attacks this year, unlike last years constant negativity and pressure.

In other news I'm getting close to agreeing SRS surgery in early 2027. Assuming the final quotation is suitable, I plan to book this ASAP. I only need minimal depth so can go with the simpler inversion procedure. That's a major benefit in terms or cost and recovery.

Well I think it's time to feed my 3 kitties then goto bed as it's 23.12 here and I'm at work tomorrow!

Charlotte 😻

    @Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte:

I am so very happy to read the exciting news of your SRS plans early next year.
That will obviously be one of the major steps in your transition life plans.

When you finally get the procedure booked that will give you and your readers
and avid followers (me included) a good reason to rejoice as the final date
approaches month by month and day by day.

Thank you for sharing and posting.  Please keep us all updated as you feel
comfortable doing.
    ❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Apart from this mornings snowy weather and a slow journey to work, I've had quite a good day. I took my long boots with the big heels to work to wear. As the office has long carpeted areas,  it was a good place to get used to them! Initially I was landing too much on the heels, so was trying to land more on the toes which felt much better.

I wore them with my beautiful brown plaid pinafore dress and the Hello kitty necklace my colleague gave me. Our director said she thought I looked really smart and everyone loved the boots! It's one of my favorite outfits.

I've decided firmly to go ahead with SRS in late January 2027! I'm going to do things while I'm at my peak stage of earning money and before everything gets so expensive that I'm poor again! There may come a time later that I can't. Everything is so unstable.

Well I've just had a nice shower and got clean. I'm currently losing a battle with recurring deep sores on my buttocks. Seems like they improve then loads more occur. They last months and leave big purple scars. Honestly it looks like a war zone there with probably 20 big scars and more than 10 sores. I think I'll need to see the doctor as have tried multiple things myself. It's very disappointing to see all my skin around there in such a sorry state.

Well usual mix of good and bad stuff. I'll keep pushing forwards!

Charlotte 😻

The sores sound miserable, Charlotte! I hope you find permanent relief soon. But the whole SRS thing sounds amazing!

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 06, 2026, 03:10:39 PMThe sores sound miserable, Charlotte! I hope you find permanent relief soon. But the whole SRS thing sounds amazing!

Thank you and me too! I'd like to wear my cute swimsuits out one day, but some of them would deffo be visible. Sure it'll get sorted sometime.

I've been getting used to wearing my boots with the heels at work. Now feels much more natural and gives me a more feminine walking style. Once again our female director complimented my outfit, this time saying it really makes her want to dress more feminine and smart herself! So happy I've got this look working. It's simple but I still love it.

Had a skin test today for my hair colouring in Saturday. I'm looking forward to being a red head that's for sure. I only just made my appointment though due to the heavy rain here and as such a lot of slow traffic.

I've also just signed my first song as Charlotte Ringwood to a house label. It's going on a compilation out at the end of January so happy about that! I need to make so more but I can't quite decide what I want to do.

(https://i.postimg.cc/zXdcXS4g/20260108-155425-2.jpg)

Congratulations on the song and your boots are amazing! Personally, I think red is your color.

That outfit is SO cute! The boots definitely go well with it.

Congrats on the label as CHARLOTTE!

That is awesome news.

Was a bit scary getting out of my street this morning in the car. The snow around me was pretty deep, over 20cm for sure. Luckily although not winter tyres, I did get new decent ones put on the front over the Christmas break. This paid off as I had decent enough traction to get onto the clear main road. Lots of snow to clear off the car wearing my big wooly jumper and leggings 🙂

Deposit now paid for SRS so just got to gather the funds before late Jan 2027. My FFS will be well healed by then so will be more than ready.

Glad to have made it through my first week back at work. I actually enjoy the job when it's not stressful e.g. spend my week designing, coding and testing electronic kit.

Charlotte 😻

Sounds like everything is moving according to plan. That is wonderful news!

Drive safely, Charlotte! In Montana, we use studded tires from October through April, and sometimes wish we had them on in May.

I now have beautifully red hair 😻


(https://i.postimg.cc/8kYcBNBh/image.jpg)

So happy

Nice! That color works for you.

Absolutely gorgeous, Charlotte! I love it.

I am so jealous, Charlotte!!  The color looks great.

I am so tired of wigs.  I wish I had time to do a transplant, maybe when I retire.

Also, I am so glad that your are progress so well on your plans.

Excellent!

Thanks for the kind words. Each little thing I feel takes me closer to the woman I am inside.

Emma, I hope if you decide to, you can get a transplant and have some similar experiments and joy with your hair!

I only just got on HRT soon enough before losing too much on my crown. Also luckily started finasteride a year before. As it stands minoxidil is bringing back some thickness, but was touch and go really!

Another day written off with severe headache due to sinus issues. Seemingly a weekly occurrence this winter. I think mostly due to all the illnesses everyone at work have been bringing in since last year. Six aspirin have taken the edge off, but still just hurts everytime I move.

The sooner this winter and all the infections from work are over, the better.

I so hope winter ends soon! Sinus headaches are miserable. Hot tea with lemon and honey...Wait, your British, you probably know much more about tea than I do. Take care.

Charlotte, I think you mentioned it a while back, but have you tried using a neti pot to do a sinus rinse? I used to have exactly what you're describing every winter - sometimes resulting in sinus infections requiring antibiotics. I bought a lovely ceramic neti pot and began by using the prepared packets of saline powder (really just table salt and baking soda) but eventually started making my own.

The process takes some getting used to, but it really does work for me. It's one of the first things I do every morning (year-round). This time of year, I'll still feel a slight pressure in my sinuses, but I haven't had the headaches or an infection for decades now. I can't recommend it strongly enough.

Quote from: Pema on January 11, 2026, 11:32:56 AMCharlotte, I think you mentioned it a while back, but have you tried using a neti pot to do a sinus rinse?

Hey Pema, I've started on the back of the previous advice using a prepackaged saline rinse which is helping keep things a bit clearer, but need to see I it improves after a week or two more. If no joy I will try the neti pot method. I'm not sure if one or other has an advantage.

I think the cold air is not helpful as seems to make it worse. Today I'm struggling to get the house warm and my nose feels pretty cold as a result.

Thanks for your help and advice 😊

Oh, good. I hope you'll see improvement from what you're doing. My experience has been that the key is really getting the stuff way up in there to clean things out well. I literally do it with my head tipped down into the basin. After the inflow, I'll plug one nostril and gently blow through the other, switch sides. I repeat that whole cycle at least 4 times if not 8. Oh, and I switch sides when I'm pouring the solution in, too.

It takes some practice to get it as far up/in there as possible, but that really is what is required. Without getting too graphic here, I get visible results as I'm doing it, and their volume correlates with how clear things feel afterward vs. before.

Cold air is probably the biggest factor for me, too. We sleep outside, and nighttime temperatures are now just above freezing.

I've been doing the neti pot since 2004, and the only times I've had even moderately bad sinus symptoms since then has been when I got complacent and stopped using it. As soon as I resumed, they'd clear up again.

Thank you Pema. That sounds like a very comprehensive routine and so glad to hear it improved things for you. I'll have a look for a pot and give it a try incase it works a bit better. I'd love to get it sorted as it's also stopping me being able to control my voice. The congestion causes my voice to be very crackly. On the phone people have asked if I've got a cold even when I didn't and felt well!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 11, 2026, 03:22:43 PMThank you Pema. That sounds like a very comprehensive routine and so glad to hear it improved things for you. I'll have a look for a pot and give it a try incase it works a bit better. I'd love to get it sorted as it's also stopping me being able to control my voice. The congestion causes my voice to be very crackly. On the phone people have asked if I've got a cold even when I didn't and felt well!

I have seen an electric version that doesn't require twisting your neck. It has two ports (one for each nostril) and a pump circulates the solution in one side and out the other. I have not tried one, so I can't say how it works, but it is an interesting option. Especially because I have fused vertebrae in my neck.

Eyebrows microbladed now. I love the look and the process was completely comfortable. I went natural as I'm getting FFS including temporal brow lift in March. This will exaggerate them and also my surgeon will know my natural form whilst working it all out.

(https://i.postimg.cc/G9nRw1bt/20260112-120656.jpg)

@Charlotte_Ringwood
 Thank you for sharing your success with your eyebrows.

  Very nicely done and a feminine appearance.

HUGS, Danielle

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 12, 2026, 06:40:56 AMEyebrows microbladed now. I love the look and the process was completely comfortable. I went natural as I'm getting FFS including temporal brow lift in March. This will exaggerate them and also my surgeon will know my natural form whilst working it all out.

(https://i.postimg.cc/G9nRw1bt/20260112-120656.jpg)

I've just joined my local running club this evening although had to take it essy on account of fresh bladed eyebrows! Everyone was very welcoming and friendly.


I joined as I don't really have friends so it's a bit of social interaction and it might help with my depression. Maybe 10 years back I could run 5km in 27 minutes. Would be nice to get back there again too.

Finally helpful to be fitter for all this surgery!

Charlotte 😻

Had a very tough morning this morning. Woke up getting ready for work and felt like I don't want to be here anymore. I think the problem is that in reality, I feel that way deep down all of the time. Just some days I do a better job of masking my feelings and pretending I'm ok! Honestly if I didn't have a boyfriend who relies on me I really doubt I'd still be here as things stand. I keep wishing for major complications through surgery and that i don't make it.

My appointment for therapy can't come soon enough tomorrow, although it's only an intro session. I'll need to sort a therapist I want after this. Hopefully they can make sense of this as I can't. There is nothing major wrong in my life at all. Nothing right now is bothering me. Stress is really low. Yet all I feel is emptiness and disinterest in life. Just really tired like my whole body is wrapped in heavy bags pulling my body and heart into the ground. It's my mind that's betraying me, my whole reward and attachment system seems very broken.

I'm a little better now in that I'm  not feeling completely broken, but still struggling to understand the point of everything. Logically none of it makes any sense to me.

Some nice food will help a little I'm sure. My boyfriend is making Mexican wraps of some kind! He's good at those.

Charlotte 😻

There's nothing like spicy food to cure the blues! Your boyfriend sounds like the cat's meow. Charlotte, I've had down days but it sounds like you're scraping bottom. I won't give advice, but I will send hugs! Love you, girl.

Hang in there, Charlotte. It's a good sign that you're aware that there's no "good reason" for your feeling the way you do. It says that there's something else amiss, and I'm hopeful that a therapist will help you discover what it is and how to resolve it.

You know we'll be here to listen and care in the meanwhile.

Have you noticed if these episodes coincide with when you take your hormone dose? I would get that too, and the reason turned out to be that my hormones were fluctuating too quickly. I switched from oral to patches to smooth things out, but I had the same issues. But instead of every day or so, it would happen twice a week. Now that I am on injectables, that is all but gone now.

Thanks so much for the kindness. These kind words do make me smile a little and imagine that everybody here is close by me even if so far in distance. That little warmth I feel from everyone is some comfort in the cold. I hope one day I can offer as much warm back and be less of a car crash!

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 13, 2026, 02:50:25 PMHave you noticed if these episodes coincide with when you take your hormone dose? I would get that too, and the reason turned out to be that my hormones were fluctuating too quickly. I switched from oral to patches to smooth things out, but I had the same issues. But instead of every day or so, it would happen twice a week. Now that I am on injectables, that is all but gone now.

To be honest they come out of the blue from nowhere. This was first in a morning first thing for a while. It's not new since HRT either...really long term over decades. It's possible HRT has increased my sensitivity to it? I'm not to sure. I take 4mg in the morning then 2mg evening oral. Injecting is totally not workable for a needlephobe like me though! I'm going to look at spray and moving to monotherapy sometime soon. I can't be on CPA long term although after GRS that's all sorted!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 13, 2026, 02:51:11 PMI hope one day I can offer as much warm back and be less of a car crash!

I think you've been giving at least as much as you're receiving all along. You needn't feel like you're at a deficit in the sharing of love here.

Just read some of my old posts if you're looking for the definition of 'high maintenance'. Sheesh, I'm surprised people like Lori and Danielle still put up with me. You're doing great, Charlotte. I love reading your blog, the sensitivity, the honesty, the joy. And sometimes the pain, too. Trust me, girl, you are not alone.

Well the good news is that I've had my therapy intro session and am ready to move onto to regular sessions. I have found a great match with a therapist who has particular interests in the types of issue I experience. I'm hoping this will allow meaningful progress in improving my thought processes.

The only concern is I have to commit to weekly sessions so this will put some financial pressure on me having an extra £144 a month coming out. Not to mention similar each month for hair removal etc. Will see how it goes for a bit then decide if it's workable and offers value.

Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 14, 2026, 02:20:18 PMThe only concern is I have to commit to weekly sessions so this will put some financial pressure on me having an extra £144 a month coming out.

I see my therapist every 2 - 3 weeks. Maybe when you get past the "getting to know you" stage, they can be spaced out further to fit your wallet.

That's encouraging news, Charlotte. I hope you'll find it helpful and I hope that you can successfully push for less frequent sessions if/when it feels necessary and appropriate.

Please keep us updated with how things go. (I know you will.)

Weekly sessions are part of the terms so non negotiable. Unfortunately with the NHS letting me down I've little option. I'm having to privately pay my hormones, facial surgery, mental health, opticians and dentistry fees. I wonder what I pay £1500 a month tax and NI for sometimes!

Hopefully I can keep hold of my job or I'm done for!

I hope it all holds together for you. I'd like to think that if you told them you could only afford 2 per month they'd accommodate you instead of making it zero, but sometimes that is how they roll.

Charlotte, I am so sorry that the system has made it so difficult for you to get the medical help that you should be entitled to, but you are smart and determined, so you will find a way to get things done.

You know that you have the support of everyone here, which has helped me so much through the years.

Today I had a scan at the hospital that I will be sharing with my FFS surgeon to allow pre-planning and prepare if there are any issues. I really want to do everything I can to make this a success. My brow ridge is so deep it completely ruins any illusions of me being female so I'm adamant it's removed as much as possible. Will be interesting for me to see the scans too just for curiosity of what's going on inside.

I'm very much hoping the surgery makes a appreciable amount of difference. As it stands I struggle daily to accept my feminity with my face as it is, so this is such an important step in my transition. Definitely counting down the weeks until March 7th when it finally gets sorted.

Other than that a normal work day so nothing interesting happened other than that!

Just coming home now from monthly furry meet in Birmingham UK. Was a bust meet today although not so many people I knew there today. I was pleased to see one of my furry friends Nibs the mouse briefly. She is so beautiful and friendly.

I'm still feeling a little vulnerable about my identity so was a bit quiet myself. I'm not sure if I want to be a bit androgynous or fully a woman. I can't tell if I'm seeking androgony because I don't have confidence I'll ever fully see myself as a woman or if that's what I really want. Part of me wants to retain some transness so to speak. But another part wants to pass as a women. I feel like a man in a dress and a fraud at my worst. I don't know why as I was ok sometime back. I think misgendring and such is getting under my skin whilst I'm currently too weak in my mind to resist it. I know it's wrong but it's a feeling...it's hard to ignore as it's deep.

Anyways I still love my new dress...the androgynous goth look I can't say I don't love it and always have. I guess I'd like options to swing where I wish each day. Pass or show my colours..my choice.

Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/RZR1BVTD/20260117-150204.jpg)

(https://i.postimg.cc/kMbx5ycQ/IMG-20260117-154106-537-4.jpg)

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 17, 2026, 10:01:54 AMI'm not sure if I want to be a bit androgynous or fully a woman. I can't tell if I'm seeking androgony because I don't have confidence I'll ever fully see myself as a woman or if that's what I really want. Part of me wants to retain some transness so to speak. But another part wants to pass as a women. I feel like a man in a dress and a fraud at my worst. I don't know why as I was ok sometime back.

Charlotte.

Read carefully what you wrote.

You are focused on appearances. You are still trying to sort out how you want to present. You have an idea of how you should look, but you are not paying attention to the most important part. How you feel is more important than how you look.

Once you get a firm grasp on who you are, then what others see or think doesn't matter. Haters are gonna hate. There is no avoiding that. But with a firm understanding of who you are and how you want to express that, you are in a position of power to deflect those comments. Find the Inner Peace of accepting yourself, no matter what. Worry about appearances after you have found it.

Hugs!

Yes, Lori Dee is right.  We each need to learn to accept ourselves.  The more we do, the more "inner peace" we have.  This worked over time for me.  You achieving clarity about yourself is important but that is on your terms, conditions, and timeline.

That does NOT mean for me that I do not care how I look or how others may interpret my look. 
I try to present like a typical woman my age with about average looks. 

Chrissy

Thanks Lori and Chrissy for the direction. Taking on board exploring how I actually feel I'm going to start making notes now...as I feel today. Then hopefully I'll see a pattern.

I think I feel queer and androgynous...that's inside. But I get euphoria from two things.

Being an average women most of the time. I never as a man was happy with average. Yet as a woman day to day I feel such warmth and comfort from assuming my position as a normal woman. Linked to this 90% of my presentation is average but stylish. It never was average as a man,  yet I feel great now as a woman.

But inside there is also someone queer, someone a bit flamboyant, someone slightly kinky too. On occasion I want to be queer, out there and a bit..you know. I'm lucky I can be this at furry meets, alternative gigs and such. These are safe places where there is no judgment of your age, gender, sexuality, disability or anything.

Well I've nailed the second one. I think I'm still in training for the first. I'm doing ok according to my female colleagues. Maybe I just need a little more confidence and time. But also learning how I balance my personalities. I don't feel like one person. I feel torn sometimes. I probably need to also be aware of which Charlotte I am at any given time. I'll do some thoughts another day too.

Charlotte xXx

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 17, 2026, 11:10:38 AMBut inside there is also someone queer, someone a bit flamboyant, someone slightly kinky too. On occasion I want to be queer, out there and a bit..you know. I'm lucky I can be this at furry meets, alternative gigs and such. These are safe places where there is no judgment of your age, gender, sexuality, disability or anything.

The world you describe sounds utopian! Thanks, Charlotte. Now, I can at least imagine a place without judgment.

Think of it like the facets of a cut gemstone. They are all part of the same stone, yet each one reflects the light differently. For some, the light bounces off, and for others, it reflects through the gem. They are all part of the same whole, and together are what make it beautiful.

We are so much more than our gender. That is only one of the facets. We can also be a furry fan, a musician, a woman, queer, kinky, shy, friendly, and helpful. All still the same person. You are still beautiful. Let your light shine!

Thanks again everyone. Maybe I just gotta write it down to believe it. When you point it out to me it's obvious, but in my head it's just a jungle. You all seem so wise, but guessing it's lived experience. A lot of this is so new to me! I'm wise myself in practical ways and also helping others emotionally...just harder to apply in my own back yard!

Well I'm prerelease on my new track. I'm so glad I've at least got Charlotte out there.

I'm not sure where I'm going next. I'm having a creative crisis which probably relates to my real crisis. I'll probably move to a different sound. I love what young trans artists are doing with breakcore and hyperpop. Artists like Fem&m and Femtanyl. I'll probably try my own take and fusion of those genres. I just gotta keep things fresh as that's how I roll.

WOW, Charlotte, very impressive.  I googled some of your other tracks!

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 17, 2026, 10:17:30 AMHow you feel is more important than how you look.

Once you get a firm grasp on who you are, then what others see or think doesn't matter.

I just can't support this strongly enough. I feel so deeply that this is absolutely everything, and putting anything else ahead of it is avoiding what most needs to be addressed.

I think it's all about self-love. We have to love ourselves as we are and where we are, unconditionally - the same way we would if we had a child who faced any kind of challenge. When we can reach that complete surrender and acceptance that we are who we are, we can identify what the next step is that that lovely being wants and needs to express itself more fully. We don't have to see the final outcome today. With luck, there will be many future opportunities for further self-discovery. Who wants to become static?

There's no right or wrong, and you're discovering first-hand that trying to fit a pre-existing template isn't working out. That's great! So now you get to explore deeply within and find who Charlotte truly is.

This is exciting! I don't see it as something to be done and solved but something to explore and experience. Charlotte, you're doing it!

I agree, its how you feel. I am just me, working on the hot rod covered in grime wearing old work clothes ,no wig and a beany I do not pass. Out and about shopping or what ever with a splash of make up and my wig on then its no problem, thing is I still feel its me.

I've been giving things some thought just now. I think that the gender struggles I'm having are more as result of a general existential crisis I'm in.

Thinking deeply and responding to some videos today, I'm pretty clear that I love my queer identity. I absolutely adore androgynous looks and also trans people both MTF and FTM that don't fully pass but make an element of queerness integral to their personality.

I think I'm clear I'd like to pass to the point I look intentionally female. Enough that my pronouns would be assumed she/her. But I'm happy at the same time it's clear I'm trans.

I can be the woman I want to be and live that life. But I can also hold my queer identity and be totally proud I'm a trans woman. This is just how it feels to me. I know others rightfully push to be just a women and that is what they are. But I'm choosing to identity with my past as part of my current identity. I don't think that's wrong?

Basically my mental health is just weakening me so much and has eliminated any joy I previously got from hobbies or doing anything. This is so all encompassing that I have no self esteem or energy to defend my identity. There is a chunk of me missing. Until I can work on that with my therapist, I think I'll keep having dips when anything threatens the woman I want to be.

Tomorrow is my first session at 8pm. I also have running club. It will hopefully be the start of finding my self esteem again.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, you're doing all the right things, namely identifying the underlying causes for your lack of ease. Better still, you're taking active steps to address them.

I hope your sessions with the therapist tomorrow goes very well. I look forward to hearing how you feel about it.

I'd missed that you're a runner. I'd love to hear more about that part of your life if/when you want to share it. I started running at age 30 and have absolutely loved it. Now, at 61, it's less a part of my life but still a treasured one.

Love,
Pema

Quote from: Pema on January 18, 2026, 01:34:30 PMI'd missed that you're a runner. I'd love to hear more about that part of your life if/when you want to share it. I started running at age 30 and have absolutely loved it. Now, at 61, it's less a part of my life but still a treasured one.

Love,
Pema

Well I've started running again recently as I want to do something to improve my mental health and physical health before I go for surgeries this year and next year. Add to that I don't really have friends so it's an opportunity for me to get some more social interaction.

But I did run a lot more some years back. I ended up stopping when my work was pushing me to silly 14 to 18 hours days with most of my time working away from home. I could generally run 5k in a reasonable 27 minutes back then, which I enjoyed doing on an evening after work.

Also my mum is a runner so we have done a thing in the UK called park run together a few times. I'll be doing some more park runs alone on a Saturday again. I need to work out a couple of local routes too. It's a bit harder Where I live now as it's out of town a little.

I'm telling work that Monday evening for my run club is protected. If they don't want me having more breakdowns at work, they need to understand I need this free time.

How about you?

Charlotte xXx

Love your sound, Charlotte! Thanks.
I've given up trying to pin down or define my gender (which explains my he/she pronouns).
I feel like I'm a rubber band that keeps stretching towards the feminine only to pull away from it.
Like you, part of me is reluctant to let go of genderfluidity. Queerness.
For the most part, I'm okay with that.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 18, 2026, 12:55:44 PMI can be the woman I want to be and live that life. But I can also hold my queer identity and be totally proud I'm a trans woman. This is just how it feels to me. I know others rightfully push to be just a women and that is what they are. But I'm choosing to identity with my past as part of my current identity. I don't think that's wrong?

There are plenty of examples of people who dress femininely and sport a beard. Women who dress with a "macho" vibe. What you are doing is looking to see what feels right for you, and that is the right way to do it. You are getting in touch with that inner self to see what they want. And you are getting some answers.

How you present yourself in the world is up to you. There is no right or wrong way. And there is nothing wrong with being proud of being trans. I don't hide it. If you don't want to, you shouldn't either.

Well I had my first therapy session today. I certainly didn't hesitate getting everything off my chest including past abuse and my messed up reward / attachment issues.

I was really glad as she is the first person to truely acknowledge these deep feelings and past experiences. Said she could hear the pain and suffering in my voice and also see it deeply in my expression.

I've kept this stuff secret for years as I've been ashamed of my envious thoughts, self hatred, unhealthy attachments, limerence...well I think you get the idea. That's just the taster. These emotions are considered so anti social that I've just been embarrassed and ashamed. Well i don't mind now...I'm happy to share and acknowledge that this is an illness like any other. I'm trying not to be ashamed of something I'm suffering from. I want to be a better person.

My therapist has some ideas to explore my past experiences and trauma which will allow us to understand the messed up coping strategies I developed when younger. Then we can tackle them hopefully.

Sorry if this is deep, but I'm ready in myself to be true as it helps me a lot to figure things out.

Charlotte xXx

Charlotte,

That sounds like a great start. I think you are approaching this with the right attitude and mindset. We can't really heal until we are open and honest with ourselves about what we have endured. I am glad that you are charting a path forward. I hope it goes very well for you.

Charlotte, congratulations! That sounds like a fantastic beginning. And how wonderful that you felt comfortable enough to share these important parts of yourself AND received acknowledgment. I think this can be a beginning to a huge change in the chapters of your life.

Yes, it is deep, but it's also vital to your being whole and healthy. Thank you so much for doing this for yourself.

Love,
Pema

Since sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 19, 2026, 07:21:42 PMSince sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

That doesn't sound so good. I guessing you'll not get the same standard or care from the nurses? Might be worth asking directly to see her if that's the case. Hope you get what you need as that's the most important thing.

Charlotte x

Quote from: Dances With Trees on January 19, 2026, 07:21:42 PMSince sharing my gender variance with VA, I have not seen my primary provider. She keeps shuffling me off to one of her nurses. I am so glad your first therapy session went well!

The same thing with me since moving to Colorado. I don't get handed off to a nurse, but all direct messages to or from my Primary seem to be routed through the Regional Office in Denver. So I don't know if there is gatekeeping going on, or she just doesn't have the means to contact me directly. I have an appointment this morning with the Regional Endo clinic, so maybe I can get some answers.

Quote from: Lori Dee on January 20, 2026, 09:30:16 AMI don't know if there is gatekeeping going on,

That's how I feel. Oddly enough, paranoia is the one mental illness derived from environment and experience. My VA therapist shared my gender variance with my primary (which, I hope, Charlotte, explains the non sequitur). I had my concerns gave my therapist permission. Oh, well, the nurses are nice, and paranoia is still a viable explanation.

I got my MRI scans back today. I was surprised to see a brain inside and that actually fills most of the space! Not sure how that's true but it is 😀

It will help my surgeon for sure as my brow bone is huge. That's a big chunk to come out, flatten and go back. This type 3 reduction is scary in thought!

Other than that just a normal work day. Sat writing firmware for a microcontroller most of my day.

Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/mrbzvF8k/Screenshot-20260120-215806-Chrome.jpg)

Congratulations on Proof of Brain, Charlotte! I printed mine and laminated it so I could show it to people who doubt me.

So, do they un-cap it, shave the top and bottom down, then re-cap it?

I had a craniectomy (in back), so they took out a chunk of skull for access and then basically closed it up with cellophane. I wish I'd asked to have that piece of skull.

Quote from: Pema on January 20, 2026, 04:31:03 PMSo, do they un-cap it, shave the top and bottom down, then re-cap it?

That's pretty much it. Flatten as much as possible and set it back. Screws and titanium plates are involved! I've heard some surgeons wire it back in, but this is thought to be inferior these days.

I'm sure it would have been interesting for you to have had that piece of skull. Definitely would've been something to come out when guests are visiting!!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 20, 2026, 05:17:36 PMFlatten as much as possible and set it back.

With a hammer? 🤣

Depending on the size of the skull fragment, it could be made into a necklace. Or a bracelet. Or chest armor? 🤣

I have an angle grinder!!!

This evening have been wrapping Christmas presents for my mum and a couple of family members from where I used to live. We didn't get over that way this year. We planned to but it was cancelled and my mum and partner went to her sisters. I can't help think it's something to do with not being ready to see me as a woman.

They are coming here on Friday for a kinda belated Christmas. I should be happy and excited, but honestly I just feel tired and somewhat neutral about the visit. I'm not sure, but I honestly don't really feel close to my mum or family in general. I think I'm becoming devoid of these types of emotion all together. Or maybe I never had them.

Well I'll see when the day comes. Maybe I'll feel different. Who knows  but I feel more like a lone wolf with every year that passes. I guess it's vitally important I learn to appreciate myself considering this.

Charlotte 😻

Work today was ok. We had clients in from the HS2 rail project in the UK. First time formally meeting new clients since I transitioned so a big thing for me. Had my nice brown dress on. Went really well, they were impressed with the company and get the impression they were comfortable around me and very much respected my professional integrity. Nice to be seen as the woman I am in the professional environment with no negative judgement.

This evening my mum came for belated Christmas and some food. It was the first time she's seen me since going female full time. First time seeing me as a woman in real. It went fine, but I still think she's coming to terms with this change as things felt a little reserved. I'm guessing it's just a lot for mothers to process even if not against it per se.

She is terrified about my upcoming surgery. My boyfriend is also terrified about it. It's getting me a little on edge too. But I gotta go through with this...I hate my facial appearance too much as it is. So this is an important step for me despite the risks.

Charlotte 😻

Massive hugs, Charlotte!
I am so glad the belated Christmas went well. Or, at least, better than it might have.
And hugs to your boyfriend! From everything you've said about him, he's there for you.

    @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
I really enjoyed reading your good news in you last reply comment regarding your work today.
Meeting clients for the first time as Charlotte and getting a good reception is a very affirming
experience for you and will give you confidence to continue on with more similar moments.

To add to that good experience you also had a successful first time appearance as Charlotte
to your mom.  You are correct in thinking that it is a big process for your mom. 

Wishing you well with your upcoming surgery.
Please keep your updates coming.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Well now I'm broken again. My mum was over with her husband (not my dad as she remarried). We got onto the subject of my mental health and i opened up about my feelings, how I think I may have BPD and what this feels like for me. This is a big deal as I've suffered this for 30+ years and only now feeling confident about opening up.

I was totally belittled. He basically said that what I'm feeling is no different to anyone else that's not mentally ill. Said that the symptoms I described of BPD are just laziness and like most other people out there.

This hurt bad. I've worked hard to get this courage and been shot down by him basically nullifying pain I've suffered through my life. Subsequently I broke down and smashed my head on the door many times. I've asked them to leave and that I'm not interested in maintaining a relationship. My mum made no effort to stand up for me.

So...now I have zero family. Just my partner. And after all my work I'm back broken again. Honestly I can't trust anyone. I should never let anyone into my life. It's not worth it. They just belittle and break you. I honestly don't want to be here. I can't end it because I really love my partner. But that doesn't change the fact I just want my life over. More than ever. So I just feel stuck. Trapped. Now I'm just totally lost in yet a worse place than before. How much worse does this get? I can't explain how hurt and empty I feel.

Charlotte xXx

@Charlotte_Ringwood
My dear Charlotte:
I am very saddened by this unhappy turn of events that you shared. 
I can virtually FEEL YOUR PAIN that you expressed. 
You have your supportive partner and you have support and acceptance here on Susan's Place.  Please take some time spend with your loving partner and just know that you are also loved and accepted for who you are here on the Forum.
I will write some more after I wake up and get my morning coffee (it is 6:30am here)
HUGS and LOVE
        ❤️
Danielle

Hey Danielle, thank you so much for your kind words of support and even more so at such an early hour. Does help to know at least here i have support of people who believe that mental health struggles are real. I have just slept a couple of hours as I just can't process it all. My bf is looking after me for sure and snuggled my tabby cat LuLu which helps. They don't judge me at all.

I know the benefits of a nice morning coffee for sure. I hope you enjoyed yours like I did mine. For the weekend it's a nice espresso here.

Love
Charlotte X 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/m2z2QWNF/20171125-132007.jpg)

My daughter has bipolar disorder, her mother was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. None of the BPD's are fun. But they are manageable. Please, Charlotte, do whatever it takes to take care of yourself. Your music is beautiful. You are beautiful. I'm here whenever you want to talk. To share. We all are. Massive hugs, Girl.

Hi Charlotte,

Sorry to hear about what happened. I can relate. The old, "been there, done that" routine.

Just watch out for NATS. (Negative Automatic Thoughts). They are a negative form of self-talk that has no purpose except to make us feel bad. The way to swat a NAT is to examine it and determine if it is really true.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on January 24, 2026, 08:16:14 AMHonestly I can't trust anyone. I should never let anyone into my life. It's not worth it. They just belittle and break you.

You know this isn't true. There are people you can trust: your partner, people here at Susan's, and others if you think about it. This feeds the next thought about not letting anyone get close, which feeds the feeling of loneliness. Which leads to the conclusion that it's not worth it, because they belittle and break you.

It is easy to spot a NAT because they always show up in absolutes (I never..., they always..., etc.) And because they are absolutes, they fall apart under questioning.

As you take them apart, you start to realize how untrue they are and that the opposite is true.

That doesn't mean it doesn't sting when people treat us that way. Of course it does. But you can always fall back on the knowledge that not everyone is like that. Some people are just ignorant and callous. You did a good thing by standing up for yourself and telling them to leave. For some people, that is exactly what they wanted. They can't handle what they are faced with, so they provoke. Then they have an excuse to leave and not be confronted with their own ignorance. Sometimes, they may rethink things afterward and realize they were wrong. Very often, they don't.

That is not a reflection on you. They showed who they are, not who you are. If they can't handle it, that is on them.

Take it from someone who has been the Black Sheep of the family for decades: many family relationships are overrated. Like you, I stood up for myself when I was 16. When I showed them that I do not need them in my life, they tried to make amends because they need me more than I need them.

Go easy on yourself. This is not on you. How other people react shows who they are, not who you are. You are a sweet and wonderful person. If they can't see that, it is their loss.

We are still here for you. We will always be here for you.

Charlotte, dear friend, you are not who they say you are. They have no right, no knowledge, no authority to say what your experience is. That they would even think they might speaks only to their ignorance and arrogance.

I went through very similar experiences with all of my mother's partners - my father, men she dated after my parents' divorce, and finally her second husband. She apparently preferred "that type." They'd all dismiss most of what I said and felt - and my mother would just allow it. It was interesting to me that I didn't really care what any of the men said (other than my father), but I found it brutally painful that my mother would choose their bullying over my truth.

You don't have to take that on. You may not feel like you have everything exactly where you want it; we all have aspects of ourselves that we know we can improve. But that doesn't mean it's all for nothing. From where I sit, you are an intelligent, loving, giving, talented person who is actively working to grow and better herself - and is making progress. That's a lot more than the folks who do little more than criticize others.

So don't let them take you down with them. That's not you. You are so much more. Let yourself feel and truly integrate that awareness so that when they show you who they are, you can remember that that's them and not you.

We see, love, and appreciate you, Charlotte. It gets weird with family. We have different expectations of people with whom we share DNA, and there's really no reason we should. But we still do.

Hang in there, girl. You'll get through this. Use it to your advantage; let it make you stronger.

  @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
I am up, dressed, and had breakfast and copious amount of coffee this morning and I am very uplifted and thankful
to see that some of our members, Dances With Trees, Lori Dee, and Pema have stepped up and replied to you
and offered their advice, love and support.

I can fullly understand how hurtful that was for you to hear what your mom and her "man friend" said to you.
Recently I had my own battles with family/parental acceptance during my recent visit earlier this month and
those words "sting" and stay in your mind.  A good solution for me was to end the visit and travel back home
and get on the Susan's Place Forum to be close to accepting, supportive, and loving friends.

PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE WITH WHAT YO ARE FEELING WITH YOUR MOM...
Along with other members that have replied to you, they have had similar unpleasant and
non-accepting experiences and negative reactions from family members.   
    As a side note, my Dad has refused to talk to me for many years, and unfortunately his health has been
declining for several years, and more than likely he will be "no longer with us" when I visit "back home"
again next year.
I made a point and an attempt to talk with him to win some kind of acceptance, but to no avail.
It is important to me, especially with a parent and other close family members for me to not say things that
I will regret later once my Dad succumbs to his health problems. 
I want to have no regrets so I do my best to stay in touch with letters, cards, emails, and my phone calls 
that he has refused to answer. 
Deep down I hope that before he departs the land of the living that he realized that I love him. 
Again, I don't want any regrets.

Please do you best to stay as positive as possible by hanging around your partner and others that have
shown you their acceptance ... and certainly receive the support your Susan's Place Forum readers and followers.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
      Direct Email:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

They say you can choose friends not family so find some excepting friends. I would have replied so you have a doctorate in mental health then !!! Stay safe dear you know you have friends here XX and a hug.

I really appreciate the effort and kindness of everyone here at a moment when I feel most vulnerable. It's very heartwarming to experience. I love the supportive atmosphere that can be found throughout Susan's. It really is such a special thing.

I knew that friends on here would understand the belittlement and rejection of my mental health struggles, and how this makes one feel. Being transgender itself is rejected by others regularly, so having such empathy towards others is born of our very own experiences.

Everyone's responses have given me a lot of reassurance and things to think about. I do suffer with affirming negatives and on top of this extreme emotional intensity. In the heat of the moment emotional regulation fails and this energy has to be shut down...at the moment by hurting myself. The negative affirmations are not far behind as Lori rightly mentioned. Sometimes the intense reaction is so much faster than the rational mind. I need to learn a better way.

The irony is being denied that I have any problems only then followed by me having a complete meltdown! Honestly I'm not sure what I said and what I meant. Did I really want my family to go for good? I know I didn't need to be belittled when I chose to open my heart...its taken a long time to get here. Amidst such an episode I'm not thinking straight. I take note of Danielle's experiences...I don't want to reject my family and burn bridges, I'd rather have a relationship. But my trust is now broken. How does reconciliation look? How does it start? Indeed my mums husband has a medical issue that could be serious. We only have so much time, life is precious right? I hope we all find some peace with our respective families as with mutual understanding things don't need to be this way.

At the same time if I explained a physical health problem I had, would I have received such a dismissive reaction? With mental health it's pseudo acceptable to dismiss it and set oneself up as an expert, denying existence due to one not experiencing it themselves. We see similar with transgender experiences. Everyone out there is an expert and apparently their opinion is more relevant than peer reviewed studies. Just like Davina said...where are their qualifications?I appreciate the reference by Dances With Tress on lived experience of BPD. People exist with such difficulties. I'm sure I do which is why I have obtained suitable therapy to explore it. Both my mum and partner know this. Empathy is important.

Thanks for sharing your experience too Pema. I totally understand where you are coming from regarding mothers partners. I honestly didn't think he was like this as generally came across ok. But I think my ex could see it as quickly had no time for him. I partly think my mum is conditioned to just keep the peace. Maybe this is a common theme? Buy some support would have helped.

I'm surprised my mum didn't try to bring me down. Yes I asked them to leave, but also think it was obvious I was having a breakdown. I was smashing my head on the door. The door has cracks through it. My work colleagues seeing me previously like this worked to calm me down and make me safe. I've heard nothing back from my mum or partner. I accept it was intense...but that's why I think I have such mental issues. Its a fairly classic manifestation of emotional disregulation and attacking someone who has low self esteem. This reaction is my real life...not a fairytale. I need help not rejection or demonisation. I doubt I could wall away the shoe on the other foot.

Luckily Monday I have running club and then a session with my therapist. Both of these are much needed and my hopeful avenue to a better life.

Thank you again to everyone for your experiences and help with this. A few words or lots, each response is special and I hold them all dearly. Moreover I appreciate the love and closeness shown by everyone. I feel loved and in turn I'm feeling love and warmth in return to everyone here.  I'm very resistant to feeling appreciation and friendship, but here I'm feeling in break through. Again it feels so special here.

Love and hugs,
Charlotte 😻 😻

  @Charlotte_Ringwood  @Dances With Trees  @Lori Dee  @Pema  @davina61

Dear Charlotte:
In your previous posting you stated: 

   "I don't want to reject my family and burn bridges, I'd rather have a relationship.
    But my trust is now broken. How does reconciliation look? How does it start?"
"

My answer to YOU is very clear:    Reconciliation starts with YOU asking for forgiveness, and
                                                          immediately accepting forgiveness.  Even if the other party
                                                          does not offer forgiveness to you, you can feel good knowing
                                                          that you took the proper steps to make things right
                                                          and to not have regrets.

I am so very glad that you are scheduled to be with your running club; exercise with others will be a
big help in clearing your mind.  Then seeing your therapist to talk over what went on with your mom
and what you are doing or what you did to rectify these issues.

Along with you other readers and followers I likewise am always eagerly looking for your updates.

HUGS, and more HUGS,
                ❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

According to Danielle's advice I have made contact and peace with my Mum. It was only very brief as think we both  need space for a while. But it does clear the air for now.

I'm counting the days for my FFS which is only 6 weeks away. I'll soon need to release the money as it's tied up in investment funds that take a week to clear. Then I've got to get the best part of £10k out in cash...in Turkey it's very normal to pay cash for this stuff, else you're hit with big surcharges to pay other ways. A bit scary mind.

With regards my HRT I'm getting concerned that my breasts haven't grown in 3-4 months. They grew most in the first 6 months. I've reached a B cup, but with my body size they are kinda lost without wearing very exaggerating clothes. I'm hoping sometime they grow more or else I'll have to find yet more money for breast augmentation! To be workable on my frame I'm sure I'll need to achieve D cup. C might be workable even if not optimal. There are mixed reviews out there as to expected growth post 6 months. Some say next to none whilst others say several cups. I'm not sure what's true, if there is exaggeration etc!

Charlotte 😻

I have been on hormones for a long time and I doubt I will get beyond my B cups.
Perhaps if I lost two inches on my underbust I might have a sister band size down and a C cup, but that would be the most likely way without enhancements.  But that is simply a bra sizing thing, not a volume increase.  In fact, if my underbust went down two inches, my boobs likely will lose some fat too.

Breasts are a very personal part of our bodies so I can appreciate that we each have our own desires as to size.  I am usually very happy with what I have.  Occasionally I have what I call breast size envy and want them to be or appear to be bigger.  But most of the time, I am delighted.

Chrissy

40C padded M&S bra for me ,its a tad to big but does the job. I think Progesterone would help but cant get that on prescription.

Quote from: davina61 on January 26, 2026, 03:39:19 AM40C padded M&S bra for me ,its a tad to big but does the job. I think Progesterone would help but cant get that on prescription.

Oh I found the M&S wired padded bras to be lovely. They fit so nice. Mine are 38B.

I'm on progesterone now so will see if  it makes a difference.

My second session with my therapist this evening. This feels so much better than what I got through the NHS. I'm being listened to and asked poignant questions. She offers sympathy but in a grown up way. This alone is allowing me to connect the dots of feelings. Make behavioral relationships between what I didn't see as related. It's slow but I'm seeing myself. Seeing what hurts, what breaks me, why it breaks me and importantly validating my feelings.

I really needed to get 30 years of pain and angst off my chest. Share my deepest and sometimes embarrassing feelins...those of envy, of feeling insignificant, of emptiness, never being able to truely find any form of self appreciation. But I think these come from younger and finding ways to cope. I also think I inherited a lot from my Dad. He was very troubled and very controlling. Luckily I don't have the latter, though I direct similar narratives inwards. I can never achieve the perfection that I demand of myself. So then I beat myself to death with it. I know I'm messed up, unbalanced. I just want to fix it.

I had running club tonight. That's really helping too. Being with others each Monday evening makes me feel at least a little alive. Charlotte is trying to grow stronger and be a little bit better.

Charl🧡tte xXx

Oh, Charlotte... This is great stuff. I'm so proud of you for doing all of this.

I could tell you all the things like that perfectionism is cruel and whatever else, but I know that you already know and that my saying it won't change anything and - most importantly - you're doing the work that will build your strength and experience to get you there. That's really the only way, and you're on it.

Exercise and especially with others. It's all phenomenal.

Way to go, sister!

Love,
Pema

Not too much to say today. Woke up too early from the noise of the wind and rain. So feeling very tired from work then grocery shopping. Tummy not feeling so good (IBS), so going to relax!

Will just leave you wondering how two of us manage to sleep in this bed. Hint...the plushies stay on the bed!!

(https://i.postimg.cc/Mpkz9bqK/IMG-20250926-093725-058-2.jpg)

Your treasure trove includes one of the most lifelike plushies I've ever seen!
I consider my imagination to be quite limber, but you stretched it further than I can reach.
Hope you're feeling better.

It was my partners mums birthday so we went over this evening to take a card and catch up. Quite quiet but nice nonetheless.

Feeling a little wiped out like I'm coming down with something. Not surprised because everyone at work has been sneezing 😥

I've been thinking recently that sometimes I wish my relationship with my bf was a bit more than semi platonic. We snuggle and kiss passionately loads and he's happy with me feeling most of his body.  But on the back of this at times I crave more. I am a sexual person with attraction to him. Being on CPA as my blocker helps as it reduces my sex drive massively, but not completely. Next year I'm getting GRS so not sure if that'll zero my T or what. Obviously will again affect my sex drive.

Still lots of thoughts to process!

Charlotte 😻

I had such an amazing evening today. I'm in a local trans group on Facebook, but had yet to meet the group in person. One of the members recommended a gig to see guitarist Sophie Lloyd and her band locally. My partner is a big metal / rock fan and I like pretty much any live music so I got us tickets!

Attended tonight and got to join the trans group in person. Everyone was so friendly. Despite my bf being a big fan of metal / rock, he'd never been to a gig! Well he loved it. Was singing along, smiling and moving. So nice to see. I also loved every minute of it, dancing and singing too.

I got to wear my new outfit..giving goth vibes. I felt really good dressing up for a special night and getting to really push my femininity.  I dropped my coat and two young people gave it back to me, but also both showered me in compliments caling my outfit and me beautiful. It felt so good. So friendly, they didn't need to say anything yet did.

So really tonight made me feel alive again. My bf was happy, I met nice people and felt the woman I am inside.

Charlotte 😻

Charlotte! That's great! I'm so glad you both had such a good time.

Be sure to make the memory of this evening easily accessible on those days when things go poorly. It'll be handy to pull this one up to remind you that life is full of ebbs and flows, and that lousy day will give way to a better one. We're here for all of it.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You've brightened my day, too.

Yesterday was a nice day but not feeling so good today. I look at my pictures today and just see ugly. I'm fooling myself thinking that I'm ever gonna look ok as a woman. I try telling myself which works sometimes but really I'm just telling myself a lie and deep down i know it. I've gone from being an ok looking guy to bad looking woman. Honestly I'm not sure this is all right for me, that I'll ever get where I aspire to be. I don't want to detransition but don't like my current trajectory either. Feel Stuck just hating this body I have. I honestly hope my ffs goes wrong and messes me up completely. Then I will never get hope again and get used to it.

I'm guessing this is why I like being a furry as can just be something that's not me for a while.

We are our own worst critics. Looking in a mirror will never reflect what we want it to. Pictures are worse because they show our bone structure more than what the eye sees. It sees all, but our brain interprets things differently.

The key is to have realistic goals. If you want to look like a 20 yeaar old girl, forget it. Not going to happen. I always told myself to stay realistic. I am 68 years old. I will never even look like a 30-year-old. I have accepted that. But I would rather look like an ugly old woman than a young handsome man.

Go easy on yourself. You are giving up before anything has had a chance to work for you. That kind of negative thinking goes nowhere and only makes you feel bad. Look ahead to the future with hope. Realize that it will never be perfect. But that does not make it bad.

Give yourself time. This is a lifelong journey. It won't happen quickly. Not for trans women, not for cis women. It takes a decade or longer for the changes to happen. Buckle in and enjoy the ride.

Charlotte, do not despair. At the beginning of my journey I looked the the mirror and thought 'I'm going to make one ugly woman'. Even with that in my mind, I knew I had to try. We are often the last people to notice what others see. Even now, I see a photo of myself and my mind plays tricks. The first thought is 'she's pretty', once my brain recognizes the lady in the photo it becomes 'oh, that's just me'. Please remember that mirrors are evil, they only show you what you want to see. It took several years before I stopped seeing my ghost in the mirror.

In one of my older posts, I have a series of photos covering four years of changes. Never lose hope.
https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=233104.msg2259475#msg2259475

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thanks Lori your reply is appreciated. I don't even want to look younger. I'm 44 and would be happy to add 20 years to that age but look nice. Never really found youth that appealing. I'll never be perfect like you say but I don't think I'm even close to average. I'm guessing most people in my life laugh about me behind my back that I'm even thinking someone as awful as me is even considering this.

I do get these things take time. I'm just worried,  as after FFS I don't really know what else I can do. Maybe my hair will actually grow and look good one day. But apart from maybe HRT having slight effects that's kinda end of the road for things I can work on with my facial appearance.

On the plus side I finally completed my audition house mix for the furry rave at confuzzled. It came out nicely. If I get accepted I got some practicing to do.

Thanks too Jessica. I will try my best but it's hard for sure. My bf says I look ok but that's his job to say that and he was happy with me as a guy! And people just lie if you ask them how you look.

I've looked at my progress photos and really only seen that my facial hair has gone. Nothing much else has changed in 10 months except things like hair and brows.

I'm going to insist that my surgeon takes all of that brow bone and orbital rims away. They so don't help as my eyes are so deep, hooded and shadowed. I think that really makes me look terrible. I've never met anyone with so bad hooded eyes!

Thanks for sharing your journey. I'll take a look although some of the photos didn't show when I just checked

Ten months, yet you understand that this takes ten years. You are being overly critical.

I have hooded eyes too. I had surgery to fix them, and it left me with scars on my eyelids that I think are painted neon so everyone can see them. People I have asked say they hadn't noticed. I cover them with makeup because they bother me.

Here is a picture of me in 2021 with my hooded eyelids. How bad do they make me look?

In my opinion, you are distressed because you haven't yet found a look you're comfortable with. You like the clothes and how they look. You like the boots and how they look. Why not try different hairstyles or colors?

I spent a lot of time experimenting with wigs of various colors, lengths, and styles. My hair when I was younger was dark brown, so I was surprised to see how blonde or red look. You'll know it when you see it. I looked in the mirror one day and said, "Hey, I know you!" That's when I knew. I don't like my eyebrows, so bangs work to camouflage them. See if they work for your brows.

Go easy on yourself. Keep trying different things.

Thanks Lori. I'm hoping they can fix my hooded eyes in surgery too. To be honest your eyes look amazing in that picture. I'd be so happy if mine looked that good. I've had a permanent squint look in my eyes since very young.

I have been experimenting with my hair style a few times but everytime I try to style it the volume drops out in an hour or so.

I tried putting waves in a few times and they dropped out in 20 minutes and left my hair frizzy all over. Even in boy mode I spent years trying to volumise my hair as i always liked to style it. Ive had just about all styles and colours in boy mode! It's very fine hair. The salon can get it ok looking with about 6 different volumising products, blow drying, curling, etc.

I'll definitely try other colors in time as i always have in my life. I'm avoiding blond as the bleach last time made my hair break and loads fell out. I'm even losing loads now from styling it when i do. I'm only just keeping hold of it because of hrt and minoxidil, so it's quite weak. It's enough though at least to cover my head ok. Just need more length and can maybe try to do more.

I will ask for bangs next time as might help.

Don't risk damaging your hair.

Go to a wig shop and try on different colors and styles. Get them to share their impressions. They don't need to know why you want a wig (they don't care). You could be going to a party, acting in a theater, or whatever. Don't be bashful. I was my first time, but the stylist turned out to be a wonderful person.

That will give you some ideas of what to look for. Then you can buy from the shop or go online and find similar styles at better prices.

You will be surprised at the difference hair style and color make.
I have some pics posted on Imgur, but you won't be able to see them. Forgive me for dumping them here so you can see what I mean. Makeup and clothing are all similar. The difference is in hairstyle and color. Yes, I have a lot of wigs.

Hey Lori, those pictures all look beautiful and very different like you say. I,ll go and try some wigs to get ideas of what works if I can find somewhere good around here.

I don't really want to go that way long term though...I have no issues with them, but know that anything that's not a real part of me doesn't really help me feel better. I wont even use anything to enhance my breasts for the same reason. But i can possibly then try to get help styling my hair in the same way. Show a stylist the pictures and get advice.

Most days I'm up early and just going to work so easy maintenance is important. None of my cis colleagues do their hair or makeup either for work as we're all just burnt out! I'm the most dressed and polished women at my work even as I am!

Charlotte, somewhere out there is your AFAB doppelganger, a cis woman who looks exactly like you. If you met her, you wouldn't tell her she was unattractive. So why do it to yourself? If you met a child who was upset about about having hooded eyes, would you tell them they were right to be harshly critical of their own appearance?

Please promote the love from within. Let yourself love yourself exactly as you are and, with that love, nurture the woman inside of you and guide her gently and with compassion as she takes the steps that she chooses to express her femininity. We all want the people in our lives to be supportive of us, but we really should learn to be our own biggest supporter. You deserve that.

Hi Pema, you really do have a way with words and never fail to make me feel warmth. Thank you. I see where you are coming from and would never say those things to anyone. I think all people are beautiful, well apart from myself it seems.

I guess I'm just struggling to feel that I look much different to what I used to. I need to leave him behind but still see him in me.

From some brief messaging just now I think any remaining relationship with my mum is now superficial. I expect it's mostly because I'm trans, although this isn't explicitly confirmed. My gut says it's led by her husband but that's just my intuition.

From this point then I'm living my life with zero family and zero friends. It's a good job that despite my issues I'm fiercely independent and managed to build my life with little help from anyone. I just gotta keep my bf and 3 kitties safe now.

Charlotte 😻

      @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
Please be advised: You absolutely have many
like-minded friends here on Susan's Place and the Forum.

Your past postings and contributions of your thoughts and comments
do not go unnoticed by me, other staff members, and by our members,
                YES, YOU HAVE FRIENDS HERE

HUGS and more HUGS, ❤️
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator    Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
                    cc: @Susan  @Devlyn  @Lori Dee  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 01, 2026, 02:21:45 PMFrom some brief messaging just now I think any remaining relationship with my mum is now superficial. I expect it's mostly because I'm trans, although this isn't explicitly confirmed. My gut says it's led by her husband but that's just my intuition.

From this point then I'm living my life with zero family and zero friends. It's a good job that despite my issues I'm fiercely independent and managed to build my life with little help from anyone. I just gotta keep my bf and 3 kitties safe now.

Charlotte 😻

I find that in-person relationships are the ones I struggle with the most, especially family. I have family that I talk to occasionally, but we are not a part of each other's lives. Frankly, I don't miss them.

The family I consider mine are the friends who have been supportive and accepting of me all along. We have a family here. We care about each other, look after one another, and do what we can to lift each other up. To me, that is the very definition of "family". It has nothing to do with coincidental DNA.

Be yourself. We are not going anywhere. If someone mistreats you, that is on them.

Thanks Danielle and Lori. I do find it hard to let people in as friends and to believe it. Not to mention its a feeling I really get overwhelmed with and struggle to process. But you're always there. Thank you so for being such good friends to me. It helps.

And also to all the others on here that keep giving me kind words. I really appreciate you too.

Love and lots of hugs, Charlotte 😻

(https://i.postimg.cc/D0DyQ46w/image-6483441-(2).jpg)

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 01, 2026, 02:15:42 PMHi Pema, you really do have a way with words and never fail to make me feel warmth. Thank you. I see where you are coming from and would never say those things to anyone. I think all people are beautiful, well apart from myself it seems.

I guess I'm just struggling to feel that I look much different to what I used to. I need to leave him behind but still see him in me.

Charlotte, that warmth you feel is coming from inside of you. If I have anything to do with your feeling it, it's only because I'm pointing it out to you. That's all you, my friend.

And I understand your not wanting to see him in the mirror, but remember that he carried you this far and launched you on this path. Try not to see him as an adversary. His heart is your heart.

I completely relate to what you're saying about your mother. I went through something very similar with my mother many (many) years ago. She made the (presumably unconscious) choice to support her arrogant, narcissistic husband over just being reasonable with me. I felt I had no choice but to interact with her quite superficially, and that really was all she was capable of doing.

About 10 years later, the two of them divorced, and my mother became genuinely interested in me and my life. Decades later, we are extremely close and have been for a long time.

So, things can change and people, too. It just takes time and persistence.

Sending you love,
Pema

Hi Pema,
Thank you...sometimes its difficult to feel warmth and light without a little help though. Internally I'm pretty much all consumed with darkness. I hope one day to leave that behind with some therapy.

Charlotte 😻

And I am *ecstatic* that you're in therapy and that it shows such promise. ❤️

Running club stepped things up bit so I really felt I got a good work out today. I felt more sociable too and relaxed, so that made it even better. I came away feeling a bit exhausted but in a good way.

I've joined a local club of woman and gender expansive DJs who support each other to grow skills and confidence, but also offer opportunities to perform. I'm hoping this will help me gain confidence and support me to do more and become better. It'll feel at least a safer space to be the real me.

Councelling went well. Determined how a lot of what I do is a front or act born from a perceived need to constantly protect myself. The true me is marred by the front I think the world wants to see. But do I really know what I want? So going to try and connect with myself, try to feel a place of safety. Somewhere I can honestly explore myself.

Thanks again for the love and care given to me by all. Love you all too 😻

Charlotte

Charlotte, I noticed that you'd changed your avatar back to a photo of your face, and I came here to tell you how good it was to see you again, that no matter how you may feel at times about your appearance, you are you and you are special.

When I got here, I saw what you had posted today, and that made it all the better.

Sister, there will be ups and downs. You will learn to ride them and be at ease even when things don't go as you'd hoped. I've seen you come so far in just a few months, and I'm eager to see where you go.

Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us.

Love,
Pema

I thought I would never pass, balding, over weight (still !!) 60 year old but I do .Still need to work more on my voice.

Thank you Pema and Davina. You're both so lovely and beautiful too. We are each different for sure. I gotta learn to love my quirkiness as really that is and always has been my identity.

Today will be interesting. Traveling to Worcester to start electrolysis on my you know where! My local place charges 3 x the price for pre grs electrolysis so have to go further.


Charlotte 😻

Not that far from me then.

Quote from: davina61 on February 03, 2026, 02:05:34 PMNot that far from me then.

Oh yeah I remember you mentioning Malvern I think once. It's a lovely area. It's not too bad from here really. The same time if I drive or get the train so can really just decide how I feel.

Pearl doing my electrolysis was lovely and put me at ease. A good thing as I'm not so used to anyone else touching me around there! The hairs responded well and didn't hurt too much. She was surprised at my pain threshold and said a lot of people struggle at that power.

So I'll be going fortnightly for 2 hour sessions at first, ready to be clear for next year! And less than half the cost of my local place, so saving over £150 per session.

Charlotte 😻

Davina has a torch that will get them gone in one session!

Ouchies! Just, ouch.

Quote from: Lori Dee on February 03, 2026, 03:31:58 PMDavina has a torch that will get them gone in one session!

Ouchies! Just, ouch.

Now that's one thing I haven't tried...yet 🫢

I don't feel like you've given electrolysis a fair go yet. Stay with it for a bit before changing methods, I beg you.

Quote from: Pema on February 03, 2026, 04:03:07 PMI don't feel like you've given electrolysis a fair go yet. Stay with it for a bit before changing methods, I beg you.

Oh i'll definitely be staying with it! Going to get my rogue eyebrow hairs taken out too. Perfect permenant brows coming soon 😻

I was lucky as didn't need any hair removed, laser was enough for me on my face (ouch)

I'm ill again with another cold caught at work. Seems to be non stop at the moment. Been a fairly uneventful week apart from the news on here of course, now being on the staff!

Pretty unexpected for sure, but it's definitely made me happy. Knowing that me just being me on here has been so well received. Honestly I just want people to feel good about themselves, know that someone is out there, someone is listening. Or just be there when someone has just the greatest news, and are eager to share that joy.

Many a time I've spent in tears just wishing for someone to reach out to. But more importantly someone who won't judge, maybe firm but not belittling my experience. I know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

Well this seems the place I can get the support I so need, but also offer my understanding and care to others like everyone on here does.

Love Charlotte 😻

Charlotte, I hope you feel better soon.

Transitioning is not easy. I think most of us were pushed to the edge of existence before accepting our truth. It will get easier, then harder, then easier. Eventually, you will reach a point where you are happy with yourself, and strong enough to ignore those who don't matter. We'll be here for you, and for anyone else who needs us.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

@Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:
Thank you for posting and sharing. 
I hope, trust and pray that you get healed up from your re-occuring cold.
Try to stay warm and dry, stay away from people that are coughing or
sneezing at your work.

I was touched by your description of what emotions you are feeling being
here on the Susan's Place Forum.  Yes, you are well received here and you have
a great testimony to share with new and old members that your greet and welcome
in your Staff Role as an Official Greeter.

I am so very glad that you are sharing yourself with all of us on the Forum.
We all need each other, and the Forum exudes and  emanates acceptance,
understanding and provides SAFE PLACE and a SAFE REFUGE with understanding,
listening, and sharing among our like-minded members.

As  @Jessica_Rose very correctly stated in her reply post:

QuoteWe'll be here for you, and for anyone else who needs us.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 05, 2026, 02:10:11 PMI'm ill again with another cold caught at work. Seems to be non stop at the moment. Been a fairly uneventful week apart from the news on here of course, now being on the staff!

Pretty unexpected for sure, but it's definitely made me happy. Knowing that me just being me on here has been so well received. Honestly I just want people to feel good about themselves, know that someone is out there, someone is listening. Or just be there when someone has just the greatest news, and are eager to share that joy.

Many a time I've spent in tears just wishing for someone to reach out to. But more importantly someone who won't judge, maybe firm but not belittling my experience. I know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

Well this seems the place I can get the support I so need, but also offer my understanding and care to others like everyone on here does.

Love Charlotte 😻

I hope you're able to rest and recover quickly, Charlotte.

You're getting stronger all the time, and it's beautiful to see.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 05, 2026, 02:10:11 PMKnowing that me just being me on here has been so well received. Honestly I just want people to feel good about themselves, know that someone is out there, someone is listening. Or just be there when someone has just the greatest news, and are eager to share that joy.

Many a time I've spent in tears just wishing for someone to reach out to. But more importantly someone who won't judge, maybe firm but not belittling my experience. I know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

You are beautiful. I think the only one who doesn't see it yet is you.

Your experience is different in a unique way, but you understand what it is like to wish there was someone to talk to. Not only do you understand that feeling, but you stepped up and said, "I am here for you."

That is pure gold.

Never stop being you.

When I feel a cold coming on, I soak in a hot bath for 30 minutes. Keep the water as hot as I can stand it without getting burned. After 30 minutes, put on warm PJs and climb under a blanket. Sip hot tea and keep the clear fluids going to flush it out.

My "clear fluid" of choice is tequila, but alcohol is not the right medicine.

Feel better soon. We aren't done with you yet.

😀

Charlotte, I love your new avatar photo.  You look beautiful!

Transition definitely requires us to trust the process and not the mirror. We can be our own worst critics. I am my worst. Others you trust should be the ones who give you the best opinions. You will feel prettier every day!

I hope you feel better!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 05, 2026, 02:10:11 PMI know pain, I know being on the edge of existence, I know hanging on by a thread. I won't see anyone feel those feelings without offering my support. To listen, share a story, share advice or just be there.

Charlotte, you are so beautiful and your words were met with tears.

Thanks.

Lovely to wake up today to some beautiful words from my friends on here. Thank you so much.

Honestly I've been good the last few days despite being ill with this cold. I feel better about myself, I looked in the mirror today and am happy with things as they are. I'm finding my love of fashion again and leaving the house everyday looking as good as I can!

Seem to get asked everyday about my outfits at work and my colleagues saying they wish they could pull off the look too. Well I just explain that they can definitely pull off the same looks...there is no reason why not. I like my body shape in a nice sweater and short skirt, so was even ok seeing my face with a little grow back of darker facial hair. I'm a bit androgynous and that's OK. Seems to be working in a way.

I need a couple more laser sessions I think then electrolysis for the stragglers to sort my facial hair.

All I can say is being here is really helping me. Not just receiving help but also some focus on chatting with others, thinking things through and helping where I can. Guess I feel part of something which feels really good. I'm sure I'll have more dips, but hopefully will get less and less over time.

Well it's soon the weekend. I think I'll do parkrun tomorrow to keep my fitness up and just get out there.

Love Charlotte 😻

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 06, 2026, 03:18:13 PMAll I can say is being here is really helping me. Not just receiving help but also some focus on chatting with others, thinking things through and helping where I can. Guess I feel part of something which feels really good. I'm sure I'll have more dips, but hopefully will get less and less over time.

I love this and I hope it's true for many people. If nothing else, I think it's incredibly helpful to see in real-time that other people face similar challenges, and we get through them.

Was nice to be added to a WhatsApp group by my medical coordinator for my FFS in about 4 weeks time. It's feeling very real now being sent consent forms with all the potential complications. It should be ok though.

They say I need some pyjama's so I've ordered some cute Hello kitty ones..obviously! Also had to get a special pillow to clamp my head. I'm a side sleeper and can't risk ruining my rhinoplasty if I turn into my pillow.

I've upped my dosage of my blockers to daily rather than each other day too at start of this week. So I'll need to be tested again soon to check testosterone. Hopefully get it lower. I've only a year anyway until GRS when I won't need blockers anymore. Want to make sure T isn't around to cause unnecessary hair growth or stunt brest growth in any way this year.

Charlotte 😻

@Charlotte_Ringwood

Look at that! You have your Silver Surfer Badge now. Looks good on you!

Thanks for supporting the site with a subscription and for your awesome contributions that help our members.

Hugs!

    @Charlotte_Ringwood

Dear Charlotte_Ringwood:

I am very sorry for the delay in posting your Silver Subscriber Badge.

I have just verified your Subscription and NOW I have posted your BADGE that is visible
on any past or present postings that have or had submitted.
Your new BADGE is displayed just below your Official Greeter Badge below your profile photo.

Your generosity and your support are very much appreciated.  It is the financial contributions
such as yours that helps to keep Susan's Place and Forums up and running for the support and
information for the LGBTQ+ community.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator    Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Well I had my session with my therapist but that is now in contention. She says that we can't continue unless I can get specialist diagnosis and support for my potential BPD. My risk profile is too high with the repeated self harm that they deem it a high risk to support me without further specialist intervention. She doesn't have the specialist experience here that psychiatrists do.

The problem is last time I was refused psychiatric referral due to lack of resources and my venlafaxine dose was increased instead. Looks like I will have to try again and hope for the best or be on my own again.

Charlotte 😻

I'm so sorry, Charlotte! This sounds like something straight out of Catch-22. I really hope the issues are resolved soon and work to your benefit. My daughter has the other BPD (bipolar disorder). Without talk therapy, all the drugs she takes (and she takes many) would not be nearly as effective.

Ugh. Charlotte, I'm sorry. I was really hoping things were cruising now with your therapist. If "the system" worked, she'd be able to connect you with a suitable psychiatrist. There needs to be continuity in care, but our complex machinery doesn't seem to value people in the way I think we deserve.

So I hope you're able to figure that out or that there's someone who can facilitate it for/with you. Know that we are rooting for you. You're worth it.

I could easily be referred privately to a psychiatrist but they charge £350+ per hour. I'm not sure how much I'd need in total. I guess if no other options I'll get the credit cards out again!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 10, 2026, 10:20:23 AMI could easily be referred privately to a psychiatrist but they charge £350+ per hour. I'm not sure how much I'd need in total. I guess if no other options I'll get the credit cards out again!

I don't know if they can help, but check with Samaritans.org. They might be able to point you toward someone who works with the LGBTQ community. It doesn't hurt to ask.

Hi Lori,
I tried Samaritans last time you mentioned and I'm on a 6 month wait list for councelling via birmingham lgbt. My hope is that they don't reject me for the same reasons! I've been refused councelling from my work medical insurance too because they said my case was too specialist and they discharged me!

They mostly don't like to deal with the self harm risk, preferring to send me back to the NHS and square one.

I might just have to lie to them yet try and steer the therapy in a direction that may work. However if I do have BPD this needs very specific work.

Just for reference this is pretty much the definition of BPD and what I experience constantly. Does make understanding my real feeling very hard!:-

Emotional Instability: Rapid, intense mood swings (happy to hopeless) that can last hours or days, strong feelings of emptiness, shame, or worthlessness, and difficulty controlling anger.

Identity Issues: A confused or unstable self-image and a feeling of having no purpose.

Impulsive Behaviors: Acting without thinking, potentially leading to reckless driving, binge eating, risky sexual behavior, or substance misuse.

Self-Harm & Suicidality: Recurrent self-harm or suicidal threats, gestures, or behaviors are common.

BPD results from a mix of genetic and environmental factors, with childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect being common experiences, though causes aren't fully understood.

Thanks for sharing.

I am glad you reached out to them. It is a shame that it takes so long to get help. I would think that would be a priority, but... this is the world we live in.

Never give up. We are here if you need us.

TRIGGER WARNING:   Warning: discussion of suicidal themes.

Thanks all for the support. Honestly in the UK particularly my area mental health support is virtually non existant on the NHS. My friend only got referred after attempting suicide twice and then was discharged in a few weeks.

I just got to be thankful that my boyfriend needs me, as really he's the only reason I'm still around. He told me he'd be lost without me and that I've changed his life so much for the better. He was worried sick when I was late home. Also told me if I was gone he'd still make two cups of tea every evening.  That made me burst into tears, and now I'm crying even typing this. I can't in all consciousness hurt him in any way as I love him so dearly.

But that leaves me so torn up sticking around when a big part of me really doesn't want to be. Then I feel so guilty and horrible for even thinking this way. I love him so I should want to be around right? But I'm getting tired...I've lived nearly 30 years hoping each year would be better ...that I'd feel happiness. But it's never come. I'm pretty exhausted with just existing, that's only way I can describe it. I'm almost apathetic to my entire being these days. Yeah I have some great days that's for sure, but they are few and far between really.

Sorry this is heavy, but it's from the heart and this is the majority of days for me for the last decades. Even 2nd line antidepressants are not even touching it.

I'll keep searching as I have no choice!

Charlotte 😻

TRIGGER WARNING:   Warning: discussion of suicidal behavior.
Before my daughter stabilized, she begged me to enter into a murder-suicide pact with her. Instead, with the help of her talk therapist, we had her admitted to an in-patient treatment program followed by intensive out-patient treatment. Medication changes, 24-hour monitoring, and what seemed like an eternity of being called an a-hole later, my daughter is now stable. She's been in a stable, committed relationship for more than five years. She's working as a bookkeeper. Part time, but it wasn't all that long ago I didn't believe she would ever hold down another job. I dreaded going to her room and knocking on the door. I dreaded she might call me an a-hole again. And dreaded even more that my knock would be met with silence.

Charlotte, I haven't been where you may be at from your side of the door. But I've been there from your boyfriend's side. Please do whatever needs to be done to keep yourself safe. To allow yourself the time to heal. DM me. Or Lori or the many people inside Susan's who can listen to you, who will hear you, while you look for a therapist. Massive hugs.

Okay, Girl, you touched a nerve. So, I'll keep talking.

Please go to one of Sephirah's old posts. Any of them. Near the bottom, there's a line that begins, "If your dealing with self esteem issues, click here..."

If I knew how to cut and paste such things, I would. But please go to one of her posts and click 'here'. Sephirah is a very wise woman.

Charlotte, you're amazing. Your posts have helped me through many dark days. Love you.

You are all amazing. All of you. Thank you so much for being here for each other and for the people who never create accounts but read these posts filled with humanity, empathy, and love.

@Charlotte_Ringwood  @Dances With Trees  @Pema

For your information:

Quotehttps://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=2.msg27408#msg27408

Suicide Prevention and Support Resources

Seeking help is a courageous step toward well-being. At Susan's Place, we understand the importance of mental health support, especially for the transgender and non-binary community. If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, here are some dedicated organizations ready to help:

The Trevor Project (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/)

Specialized support for LGBTQ youth.

Helpline (24/7): 1-866-488-7386.
Text and Chat: The Trevor Project chat (https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/) or text START to 678-678.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (https://988lifeline.org/)

Nationwide, free, and confidential support for those in crisis, available 24/7.

Helpline (24/7): Call #988, text #988.
Text and Chat: Chat online (https://988lifeline.org/chat). Haz clic aquí para el chat en español (https://988lifeline.org/es/chat/).

Trans Lifeline (https://translifeline.org/)

A grassroots hotline and microgrants non-profit organization for the trans community.

Helpline (24/7): 1-877-565-8860.
Website: Trans Lifeline (https://translifeline.org/)

Remember, you are not alone, and there are people ready to help you.

Warmly, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
    The Forum Administrator  Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yhaoo.com    cc: @Susan

cc:  @Lori Dee  @Devlyn  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

                TRIGGERS and TRIGGER WARNINGS
https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=247199.msg2262620#msg2262620

  cc:  @Lori Dee  @Devlyn  @Sarah B  @Jessica_Rose  @Mariah

Thanks and love you all.
Hugs, Charlotte x

Just been looking through my stuff and found one of my few songs which isn't in the house genre. Not sure where it fits as just sat down and made it one day. Enjoy x

Rainbow Bridge (https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pwSHa_nNczDZTVYDXPXKfmB3dcTsa5zC/)

    @Charlotte_Ringwood
Dear Charlotte:

  It is a catchy and enjoyable tune.... nicely done.

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 11, 2026, 03:32:45 PM
Just been looking through my stuff and found one of my few songs which isn't in the house genre. Not sure where it fits as just sat down and made it one day. Enjoy x

Rainbow Bridge (https://drive.google.com/file/d/1pwSHa_nNczDZTVYDXPXKfmB3dcTsa5zC/)

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Administrator

I think it trends toward trip-hop. Add a female dreamy vocal and that's what I'd call it. I like it!

Gentle and soothing. Thanks, Charlotte.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on February 14, 2026, 10:09:01 AMHappy Valentine's Day!

Thank you so much Chrissy. Happy valentines to you too.

I hope you have a wonderful day with your partner x

❤️Happy valentines to all on Susan's❤️

I hope everyone has a lovely day and hopefully some tasty food!!
😻😻

thanks, Charlotte!

May you and your boyfriend enjoy a lovely day!

Thank you Charlotte!

Chrissy

Today has been quite a nice day. I had my eyebrow microblading topped up. Still my favorite part is how I get to chat girly or just life stuff with the beautician! It feels like my natural place and the conversation just flows. Never felt this comfort in more masculine settings / conversations. Yet here I felt totally at ease as myself, the woman I am. It's these small interactions I find most affirming and magical.

Later I made my boyfriend and me steak with garlic mushroom sauce and chunky fries. Nicely medium rare too. He loves this so that made me so happy. Then a Cadburys cream egg trifle for desert...oh so yummy and divine!

So I think I've won his heart for another year 😊


Now he's wearing the cute Care Bears pyjama's I got him for valentines. I'm in my Hello kitty pyjama's. The important thing...we are now dressed comfortably ☺️ Snuggles to come soon!

Charlotte 😻

Woke up even more dizzy and disoriented than usual this morning. Had loads of nightmares so not surprising.

Not feeling so good a result. Feel both tired and extremely depressed. Oh well just another normal day I suppose

Big Hug dear, yes I had a dreaming night as well.

Hope you're feeling better, Charlotte!

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 15, 2026, 06:14:45 AMWoke up even more dizzy and disoriented than usual this morning. Had loads of nightmares so not surprising.

Not feeling so good a result. Feel both tired and extremely depressed. Oh well just another normal day I suppose

Are you staying hydrated? Make sure you are drinking enough water throughout the day. Don't wait until you are thirsty, just keep sipping. Hopefully, that's all it is.

Hugs!

I think I'm hydrated enough though don't drink water to hydrate as I can't stand the taste of it! I don't think I breathe well as I wake up with my nose buried in the pillow.

Feeling very slightly better, though  spent 90% of the day napping. No motivation to do anything really. I find at least if I'm asleep I'm not completely bored and suffering. I wish I was more like a real kitty and could just sleep most of my life! Definitely the correct fursona creature for me, I am very cat like.

Charlotte

Well, you could bat a ball of yarn around on the floor. Chase a fly or a moth (just don't eat it when you catch it).

😁

That all sounds like fun to me and definitely something I'd do at the Cat meet at a furry convention!

Roll on May when I get to do the next one. Can't come soon enough.

Today was the funeral of my boyfriends grandad so it was important for me to get us there safely and be by his side throughout. The service was beautiful and got to say our goodbyes respectfully.

Unfortunately I only met him a handful of times with us having been together for only a year and a half. But enough to know how he supported his family and made a big impact in my boyfriends life.

It was lovely to be fully accepted by all his family and learn a new lesson in dressing correctly for such occasions. I was complimented a few times on how beautiful I looked, so some light in the day. His grandad was very traditional in wanting people to wear black, so I was sure to do this respectfully with a long, low key dress, black tights and black boots.

There are many new experiences in so many different ways as my new self. Each an opportunity to be the best woman I can. I supported my boyfriend throughout which felt very special.

Charlotte 😻

Such a beautiful and somber moment, Charlotte. Your bf and family are so cool. As are you.

Charlotte, I'm so glad you were able to be there in your finest form, representing yourself and your "home family" fully as you. I think that's the kind of authenticity that really allows us to show up and be there for others even in difficult times.

Having had my therapy I've got 2 weeks until I'm discharged due to my case being too complex. At this point I either have to appoint a more qualified therapist at £100 per session. I can't afford that weekly or wait it out and hope my second attempt at getting referred to a psychiatrist through NHS is successful.

Unfortunately I'm still completely disengaged from all my hobbies and activities I used to enjoy. And I still hate my own body and ugly reflection at least 75% of the time. Not sure if my surgeon can perform the miracles needed to fix the fact I'm just ugly. I just got to hope.

Charlotte 😻

That seems crazy to just boot you out due to complexity but I'm not surprised, I was booted out of NHS talking therapies (wouldn't even give me a face to face session) after eight 1 hour long online meetings. Not knocking the girl who did them though, she was great and really helped me. Is something like the online Talking Therapies an option? It's far from ideal and not sure if they can deal with trans issues or not though?

For what it's worth, my hobbies and interests have always changed over the years, I've gone from learning to fly to model making, to cooking, bread making and baking. Then I was onto building road/racer bikes and on to woodworking, but the only one that stuck was photography (even then, I'm not out as much as i want to be). I do vary the genres a bit though and that can keep me focussed (Pun not intended!) I still dabble in woodworking but only in the summer and I'm glad I got into cooking as that's been bloody useful. I suppose hiking has been a constant too if that's a hobby.

My point is that if you aren't engaging in what you used to do, try a new hobby/activity. Keeping interested in something is key to mental health in my (less than expert) opinion. It is when I get stuck in a rut that my mind starts to go to darker thoughts. Maybe try an adult learing course of some sort? Anything to occupy the mind really.

We all look in the mirror and see ugly from time to time. We are often our worst critics. I'm hoping the FFS knife jockeys can perform miracles with me too!

Honestly I've had so many hobbies it's untrue. All follow the same pattern. I go hyper focused on the subject, wanting to spend every moment doing something revolving around it. Even can't concentrate at work because of the intense interest. I stay up late doing it. It's like I can't absorb enough of it.

The thing is that I get very good at these. I make good achievements and progress. I don't usually fail then give up. I'm normally doing good.

Then it stabilises...still interested but at a more normal level outside work on occasions I engage in the hobby. Then suddenly the interest drops...I can't even get the energy or motivation for anything to do with the subject. It feels cold and uninspiring. This is usually about 4 to 8 months.

Then I go down a huge depressive hole for many months after with no engagement in any activities I'm not obliged to do.

The cycle is all I've known since being very young. It's very exhausting. I just need to figure this stuff out.

Charlotte 😻

Well, I don't know if it's normal but that is exactly the same as me Charlotte. I get so involved in a subject that it's all I can do, I buy book after book and study everything I can online, obsessively so....and then I get good at it and the interest wanes. I'm not sure if the challenge diminishing is what drives it or whether I get distracted by the next shiny thing. My therapist thought I might actually be somewhere on the autistic spectrum as this trait is common with that condition (I also have problems with crowded spaces and certain types of noise). I've never taken it further though as I get by

On the plus side mastering new skills is very very useful.

As I said this has been a pattern for me from way back and it's only photography that has been relatively constant. Why not try re-visiting some of the hobbies that you gave up on from a long time ago. That's what I did with both woodworking and photography. There are so many hobbies though you're bound to find something.

Thanks Stottie Girl for sharing. It does sound very similar for sure. You're correct about being common in autism but also very connected with ADHD. For me this is one of the major issues which on its own is pretty tough. It's coupled with major depressive disorder, which I still think is born from Borderline personality disorder. I don't share everything because it's kinda embarrassing and I feel it paints me as a really awful person, but involves extreme envy coupled with low self image as at least part of it. Part of me knows it's irrational but it's very deeply set in the subconscious.

Anyways I'll have to look through my old hobbies and see if anything jumps out.

Charlotte xXx

Yeah, My therapist mentioned ADHD as well but I don't think I fit that description. What is totally clear though is that the UK is woeful on mental health help despite all the media hype and publicity, I actually think it is getting worse and there isn't a lot of sympathy out there with the general public I find. So share away if it helps, nobody on here would judge you I'm sure. Only share what you're comfortable with though and don't forget this is public viewing!

I have been envious of women all my life and have always had a feeling that nobody (of either sex) would find me attractive or that people don't like me when they meet me. It's probably baseless but it's how I sometimes feel and distraction is my way of dealing with it. Not sure if a therapist would think thats a good idea though! probably say it's running away.

To me, it sounds like it is not the subject itself, but the learning process you enjoy. When you get good at it, the challenge is gone, so you move to something else. Maybe, instead of just searching for new hobbies, the key is to find new interests or expand your knowledge on things you already enjoy.

Maybe take a class in music theory, production, or something. You already have an interest in it, and you are good at it. But there is always more to learn. Just something to keep you learning, and that learning becomes useful in your career.

@Stottie Girl I feel a little more at ease knowing I'm not alone in these kind of thoughts and patterns. I wish that you didn't have to suffer them too though. No thoughts are baseless as they mean something to you, but from the outside perspective you are very attractive (inside and out)...anyone would be very lucky to have your attentions!

@Lori Dee I'm trying to find in person groups to attend as I think I need that social boost. Oddly I've been keeping an eye for poetry or lyrics writing as I still need to cook up some vocals of my own. I just dont feel confident, but know a group setting would really help. I've always thrived with peer support. But everything seems to be online. It's so not the same. I've studied evening classes and you end up having a laugh whilst learning. Then you support and cheer each other on.

Charlotte 😻

Aw Charlotte thanks, You're a beautiful human being, don't ever forget that!

Groups and classes are a great move, I'm not much of a "joiner" myself and am a bit awkward socially so I've always found them daunting but when I have gone, I do thoroughly enjoy them. I tend to crawl back into my shell afterwards though! I'm actually giving serious thought to going to a class near me to learn how to make proper Stotties seeing as it's my namesake!