Susan's Place Transgender Resources

.𖥔 ݁ ˖༘⋆𐦍⊹₊ ⋆｡˚
Day 1 - December 29

Recently due to my CAMs(Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality) therapy, I have been noticing signs that I might be a trans femboy. In my therapy, they ask me questions like "What gender is your brain say you are?" and "What gender do you wish you were down there?" I have been saying male to myself but I believe that I have to a non binary or gender fluid as I like to wear feminine clothes. But clothes arent gender thats just expression. I need to tell myself that more.

I hope I figure out what it is. I think I need more days thinking about this.

Day 8 - January 5

The last time I posted I was explaining how I realized that I can be a femboy even if I am Trans. These past days I have been experimenting with asking questions. I mainly been asking them in third person but it still works pretty dang good. For example, I will say "Rinford doesnt mind wearing masculine or feminine clothes" if I dont feel dysphoric or uncomfortable that its true.

Due to my acceptance of my sexuality, I have been researching in things like packers, etc. I came across a subpage called FTMFemininity where its trans men who are feminine. We are one step closer to full acceptance.

Day 9 ~ January 6

Today was great day. I asked a question about binders, packers, and STPs on a discord server. I got great answers due to this I will be trying trans tape. Last night, I made my own packer with AceofSpades09(Trevor Space) post on how to make one. I have also came across of CypressSoda(Trevor Space) ultimate ftm guide which is also very helpful. I also found out that I cant get gender-affirming care due to a bill in my state.

Day 10 ~ January 7, 6:24 PM EST

Yesterday was okay(Emailed teachers about my preferred name, researched more ways to cope with dysphoria) until around night time. I had an dysphoria episode. It was the worst its ever been. I couldnt bring myself to move or head to the bathroom. I had the high urge to cut or anything that could help me out of my skin. My random feeling of loneliness keeps going worse and when I feel it. Its a sign of a dysphoria attack will happen soon.

I had told my CAMs therapist and psychiatrist. I have been prescribe medicine for my anxiety and depression. They might give me a gender-affirming care therapist. It might be a lie due to the bill but the only way to tell is after CAMs is over.

Day 11 ~ January 8, 11:11 AM

Yesterday was terrible. I had the worse gender dysphoria of my life. It was like yesterday but it was more suffocating and more heavy. It was very draining. Luckily, I have wonderful people in my life that helped me out of the episode. I know that its not the end of the episodes but its the end of that moment.

I also told the people in my favorite discord server that I will be taking a break for mental health. I wish I didn't tell them that but I need to as I am struggling with basic communications. The medication I was given was boosted up to 20mg so it can help me.

Tomorrow, my GHP(Georgia's Governor's Honors Program) application deadline is due but I dont think I can fix or do it as I still feel dysphoric. I cant look in the mirrors or speak for long period of time.

3:48 PM EST:
During ASL(American Sign Language) class, I learned that there are some queer kids in my class who cant come out. So, I suggest susans.org and Trevor Space. Due to me helping them, I learned that there is a LGBTQ+ Club in my school which made me very happy. I signed up for it today and I hope that I can get in. Wish me luck.

4:50 PM EST:
I just texted my mother a coming out text so she can sent it to the family chat. I hope it goes okay for me :)

Your journal blows me away, Rinsford. And your reference to cutting made my heart stop. I was a cutter as an adolescent and my niece (16) has been hospitalized at least twice for cutting (tissue damage and blood loss, several other times for psychiatric treatment). I'm not the most qualified person inside Susan's (I'm old and in the midst of my own emotional upheaval) but please DM me if you want to talk. My prayers are with you.

Hey Rinford,

Welcome, and thank you for starting this journal here. It takes real courage to write all of this down, and even more to share it.

I want to say this first: the last few days sound incredibly hard. Dysphoria episodes that leave you unable to move, unable to look in the mirror, unable to speak — that is a lot to carry. And yet, you are still showing up. You went to class. You helped other queer kids find resources. You signed up for the LGBTQ+ club. You came out to your family today. That matters. None of that is small.

I'm really glad you're in CAMS therapy and that you have a psychiatrist. I'm glad you told them about the dysphoria episodes, and that your medication is being adjusted. Those are important steps, and they tell me you are trying to take care of yourself even when things feel overwhelming.

I do want to gently say something that matters a great deal, though — and this isn't a scolding or a lecture.

Your therapist can only help you if they know the full truth of what's happening. That includes the urges to hurt yourself, the moments where everything feels suffocating, the times you can't move or speak. CAMS is designed for exactly this kind of crisis, but it only works if your team sees the whole picture, not just the parts that feel safer to share. You are allowed to say the scary things out loud. That's what they are there for.

And speaking of saying things out loud — coming out to your family today took real guts. That kind of honesty is hard. I hope it went okay. Let us know when you're ready.

It's also important that your parents understand what you're going through. They don't need every detail of your thoughts, but they do need to know how serious this feels — how intense the dysphoria has been, how much it's affecting your ability to function, and when your safety feels fragile. They can't fully support you if they don't know how heavy this has become on the inside.

Being honest with both your therapist and your parents isn't about getting in trouble or making things worse. It's about making sure the people who care about you — and whose role is to help keep you safe — actually know what you're facing.

You don't have to have your identity fully figured out right now. That can take time, and it's okay for it to unfold slowly. What matters most in this moment is your safety, your support, and not carrying this alone.

I'm really glad you're here, Rinford. And I'm glad you reached out.

— Susan

Hello, Rinsford.

Thank you for starting a journal. It is a great way to keep track of your journey, as well as allow us to check in and see how you are doing. Years from now, you can go back and read what you wrote here and see how far you have come. Sometimes it is hard to really see it because we are so focused on what we want in the future.

I want to ask if you are aware of what triggers your dysphoria. If you can identify the triggers, perhaps someone here can offer some ideas on how to navigate those rough patches. What helps me the most is just remembering that my body is not me. I am the spirit that lives in this body. Yes, it bothers me that it doesn't look like me, but there are ways to change that without hurting yourself. Simple things like changing a hairstyle or wearing different clothes can be a big help if you can.

Keep us updated on how things are going for you. And thank you for recommending Susan's Place to others. We are a safe space, and everyone is welcome here, no matter who they are.

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Day 12 ~ January 9, 11:51 AM EST

Its currently lunch break at school and I am heavily bored. The text message to my family went well but I am still getting deadnamed and misgendered. I don't know how to correct people, I am so scared that I will get in trouble or worse. Because years ago when I did correct a family member I was yelled at and told to "Stop confusing the boy". I don't know what to do. Questions: How do I correct people of my name and pronouns? Do I make a new post everytime that Its a new day for my journal or post a response to my post?

6:23 PM EST:
Thank you for the helpful responses. Over the few hours a lot as happened. I found out that my CAMs therapy on the 21st which I think is too far away because my gender dysphoria episode might can back but I believe that it might be my last time in CAMs. As yesterday, they told me that after CAMs I might be able to start gender-affirming care therapy. I am very excited but I hate that its so far away

Hi, Rinsford.

I still have this issue with my dad. My mom corrects him, and he doesn't apologize, but then uses my correct name.

First off, it will be very difficult for parents to change a habit they have had for 15 or more years. Take that into consideration. If they are making an effort to address you correctly, but slip up, just ignore it.

But it takes time for them to adjust. When they make the mistake, just politely remind them that you do not go by that name anymore. If they use the wrong pronoun, politely correct them.

If it continues and it appears that they are ignoring your request, I ignore them. More than a few times, I have asked my dad who he was talking to. He apologized and correctly used my name. After a few times, he got the message.

You are not arguing with them. You have the right to go by any name you choose. Do not argue. Just politely correct them and remind them that you use a different name now. It is not uncommon for people to go by nicknames, so they should start using the name you prefer.

Gender is a little bit harder for them. My dad has told me several times that he was there when I was born and that I "will always be his son".  After the third time he told me that, I looked him in the eye and told him that I refuse to get upset by that comment because I know that he does not mean it maliciously. He loves me, so I refuse to believe that he is just being mean to me. That's when my mom jumped in and took my side to prevent further argument.

It is very difficult for people to change their habits. When they are trying, but slip up, let them know that you appreciate them making the effort. Then drop it. If they continue, ignore them as if they are talking to or about someone else. Don't argue with them. And don't let it bother you.

Keep moving forward with your life because it is YOUR life and no one else can live it for you. If others want to come along and be supportive, that is wonderful. If they don't, that is their decision, and they will get left behind. Your situation is a little different, so don't burn any bridges yet. Give them time to adjust. They just got this news and will need time to process it.

Hi, Rinsford.

What we typically do with our blogs is to continue posting into the same topic. They'll accommodate 100 pages, so we just keep packing them into the one. It makes for a convenient place to compile our history.

The other thing is that they go in the "Member Blogs" section instead of in "Blogging" (confusing, I know). One of our moderators can scoot these things around for you.

I wish I had suggestions for you on the pronouns. I have no practical experience with it yet. I'm pretty sure my approach will be just to remind people gently, calmly, and patiently.

Wishing you well on your journey.

Pema

Quote from: Pema on January 09, 2026, 12:26:59 PMThe other thing is that they go in the "Member Blogs" section instead of in "Bloggin" (confusing, I know). One of our moderators can scoot these things around for you.

Hi, Pema.

That is where the adult blogs go, you are correct. Susan and Danielle helped Rinsford set this blog up so they would have a safe space for their journal. We keep an eye on our younger members so their blogs and posts don't get hit with age-inappropriate replies. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.

Oh, my apologies. Thank you for getting me on track.

Quote from: Pema on January 09, 2026, 01:16:47 PMOh, my apologies. Thank you for getting me on track.

No harm done. We moderate the Youth Talks Forum and blogs more heavily for their safety. Our members would not intentionally do anything inappropriate. But sometimes, after several replies, a member may add their comment and not realize the OP is a teenager. Safety first. 😀

Hey Rinsford,

I'm really glad the family text went okay. That took courage, and it sounds like the initial response was at least non-hostile, and that's not nothing.

The deadnaming and misgendering after you've come out is hard. Lori Dee gave you solid advice: gentle, patient reminders when they slip up, and grace for the fact that they're rewiring years of habit. But I also want to acknowledge what you said about being yelled at years ago for correcting someone. That memory is real, and it makes sense that you'd be scared to speak up now. You're not being dramatic—you learned that correcting people wasn't safe.

Here's what I want you to hold onto: you are allowed to ask people to use your correct name and pronouns. That's not causing trouble. That's asking to be seen. The people who love you may need time, but they don't get to tell you who you are.

When it comes to gently correcting people, a simple approach that works well is: "I would prefer if you would please use [name/pronouns]." You don't need to explain or justify. You don't need to apologize. Just a calm, clear statement of what you need. If they slip again, you can repeat it the same way—no drama, no argument, just the reminder. And here's something important: don't let them see that it bothers you. Keep your tone neutral and matter-of-fact. If someone is doing it to get a reaction out of you, showing that it hurts can encourage them to keep doing it. An unbothered correction takes away that power, even if it hurts somewhat.

Some people will adjust quickly, others will take longer. The ones who are trying but stumbling deserve patience. The ones who refuse to try at all are telling you something about themselves, not about you.

For the journal question—you can keep posting updates as replies in the same thread. That way everything stays together and you (and we) can look back and see how far you've come. I'll have the two threads merged so it's all in one place. I will go ahead and merge this thread into your original blog post.

I know January 21st feels far away, especially when the dysphoria episodes have been so intense. If things get hard before then—really hard—please reach out. To your parents, to your therapist's office (they may have a crisis line or way to contact them between sessions), to Trevor Project (text START to 678-678), or here. You don't have to white-knuckle it alone until the 21st.

The possibility of gender-affirming care after CAMS is real hope. Hold onto that.

Keep writing. We're reading.

Susan 💜

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Day 13 ~ January 10, 1:53 PM EST

Today is going great. Its okay just still dealing with dysphoria. I swear the dysphoria is getting worse everyday. Its more like a mental and physical parasite. My urges of cutting and worse still are here but they get pushed down by the thought of gender-affirming care. I try to use the coping mechanisms but they never fully work. It mostly feel like a way to bury the feelings until it resurfaces. I started writing and drawing again but they are more like vents than art. Things are seeming concerning. I might post the writing or drawing but I have to think about it.

My old coping mechanisms have resurfaced from the past. Now, I listen to music more and the writing and drawing I talked about. As a lyrics listener, the songs are for "The Winner Takes It All" by ABBA and "Let down" by RadioHead. But my most listen to has to be "Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls.

I hope this feeling will pass me.

2:45 PM EST:
Yesterday I did do some research and found out about something called TYEP(Trans Youth Emergancy Project). I only know so little about the project. Can someone explain it to me?

Hey Rinsford!

I'm really glad you wrote today. I want to start by saying this clearly: noticing when the urges show up, and talking about them instead of acting on them, matters. Even when it feels like nothing is "working," that awareness is doing real protective work.

You've been very clear about something important — the urges aren't random. They show up when dysphoria becomes overwhelming, when being in your body feels like too much. That doesn't mean you want to be hurt. It means your brain is trying to find relief from something it experiences as intolerable. That distinction matters, and it's not a failure on your part.

It also helps to remember something fundamental: you are who you know yourself to be. Your sense of yourself is real and correct, even when your external image doesn't yet match it. Dysphoria can try to convince you that your body is telling the truth and your mind is lying — but it's the other way around. Your feelings are real, but they are not always telling you the truth about who you are or what your future looks like. Bodies can change. Truth doesn't.

A lot of coping isn't about making the feeling disappear. It's about moving through the surge safely until it eases. Think of it as riding a wave rather than trying to stop the ocean.

One thing that can really help during dysphoria spikes is doing something you genuinely like that fully occupies your mind. When your attention is intensely focused on one thing, it becomes much harder for dysphoric thoughts and intrusive urges to push their way in. That kind of focus gives your brain somewhere else to go — not because the feelings weren't real, but because your mind finally gets a break.

Escapism, when used intentionally and in balance, can be healthy. Gaming is a great example. In games, you get to move through the world as the man you are — making choices, taking up space, being seen correctly — without your body being the focus at all. Games offer focus, agency, and immersion. The same can be true for writing, drawing, building something, watching a familiar show, or sinking into music. Even when those things are more like vents than polished creations, they still give your mind somewhere safe to put the thoughts instead of letting them circle endlessly.

I want to share something with you that's about where this leads, not just what it feels like right now. Because one of the most effective ways to cope with dysphoric urges is to shift your focus forward — toward the future you're building and the life that's taking shape ahead of you.

Years ago, a grandparent in my community came to me after their grandchild — a young trans man — came out. They were confused and scared, and they didn't understand what they were being asked to accept. We talked. I shared what research shows about family support and outcomes. I told them my own story. And I helped them understand something important: their grandson hadn't changed suddenly — he had known who he was for a long time. The only new part was the family finding out.

That grandparent chose to keep learning, and she convinced his mother to do the same. They chose to stay engaged. They chose love.

Today, that young man is doing extraordinarily well. He's in college, earning honors, presenting research at conferences, and receiving grants for work that helps protect other LGBTQ+ people. He has a partner. His family is openly proud of him — not just accepting, but genuinely celebrating him. His grandmother and his mother now talk about his life with joy.

I'm not sharing that because your path has to look the same. I'm sharing it because it shows something important: early chapters do not predict the ending. Confusion can turn into understanding. Fear can turn into pride. What feels unstable at the beginning can become the foundation for a meaningful future.

And with that in mind, I want to share something else — words from a trans woman who lived long enough to look back.

From Miharu Barbie, a trans woman who once stood exactly where you are now:

QuoteI feel overwhelmed with gratitude for life today. When I was much younger than I am today, I never expected to live this long. Indeed, prior to transition 19 years ago I believed at that time that I had already lived too long and seen too much and I was prepared to snuff out this life by my own hand.

I am so grateful that I made the choice to stick around and transition. I have seen and experienced so much amazing stuff over the years! I know now that those darkest days of my younger years were little more than speed bumps on the road to this happy, fulfilled life that I'm living today. It would have been such a bummer to miss all this adventure!

I am grateful to all the people who open up and share their fears and sorrows, their joys and triumphs on this forum. You all enrich my life with your openness.

I am especially grateful to Susan and her army of moderators for creating this safe space and for keeping it safe all day every day. You all rule!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Love!
Miharu

Miharu is not an exception. She is a person who stayed long enough to see despair become a memory, not a destination. I read this post many times before my own transition for the same reasons that I want you to read it now: I want you to focus more on where you're going than where you are at this moment. I held onto it when I needed proof that surviving the worst parts could lead to something real and worth living.

And this isn't just about gender. What Miharu describes — believing you wouldn't live long, feeling like the pain was the end of the road, and later discovering it was something you passed through — happens to people facing many kinds of overwhelming pain. Dysphoria is part of your story, but the core truth here is human.

Your sense of your own sex is something real: So focus on the life that becomes possible when you get through the now.

When everything feels overwhelming, one of the most grounding questions you can ask is a forward-looking one:

What does my future self need me to do right now so they can exist?

Often, the answer is simply: get through this moment safely.

None of this is about fixing everything at once. These are tools — ways to protect the version of you that hasn't arrived yet. And because these urges are tied to dysphoria, they're exactly the kind of thing your CAMS team is meant to help with. If you talked about the dysphoria but haven't told them about the cutting urges, it's important to bring that up — especially if things spike between appointments. You won't get in trouble. You will get the support you need at the time you need it.

It makes sense that the hope of gender-affirming care is helping you hold on. That hope is real. Just remember you don't have to rely on that alone. You deserve support now, while you're getting there.

You also asked about TYEP — the Trans Youth Emergency Project. Here's what I know:

TYEP is a program run by the Campaign for Southern Equality. It was created to help families of trans youth in states where gender-affirming care has been restricted or banned. They offer information about navigating state laws, help connecting families to out-of-state providers, and in some cases travel grants to offset costs.

It's a resource that exists for families — meaning a parent or guardian would be the one to reach out if they wanted to learn more. Their website is: https://southernequality.org/tyep/

I'm mentioning it because you asked, not because I'm suggesting any particular path. If your CAMS team and your parents agree it makes sense, it's something you could consider together. Your CAMS therapist could even provide a letter recommending access to a gender-affirming therapist, which can help when navigating these systems.

It's also worth knowing that seeing a gender-affirming therapist doesn't have to mean giving up your CAMS support — you can do both. CAMS addresses the crisis piece and keeps you safe, while a gender-affirming therapist can work with you specifically on the dysphoria. They serve different purposes, and having both in your corner is allowed.

As a youth, the decisions about your accessing care aren't yours to make alone — and that's not a limitation, it's a protection. You have people in your corner: your therapist, your psychiatrist, and your parents. Let them help carry this. Your job right now is to keep showing up, keep being honest with your team, and keep taking care of yourself while the adults work on opening doors.

I'm really glad you're here, Rinsford. Keep writing. Keep finding places — in games, in music, in creativity — where you get to exist as yourself.

We're reading, and we're walking this road with you.

With love and support,
— Susan 💜

PS: You are free to accept or reject anything I provide to you, you can also let me know if you want me to stop offering these types of replies. Just send me a private message.

Quote from: Susan on January 10, 2026, 04:33:42 PMHey Rinsford!

I'm really glad you wrote today. I want to start by saying this clearly: noticing when the urges show up, and talking about them instead of acting on them, matters. Even when it feels like nothing is "working," that awareness is doing real protective work.

You've been very clear about something important — the urges aren't random. They show up when dysphoria becomes overwhelming, when being in your body feels like too much. That doesn't mean you want to be hurt. It means your brain is trying to find relief from something it experiences as intolerable. That distinction matters, and it's not a failure on your part.

It also helps to remember something fundamental: you are who you know yourself to be. Your sense of yourself is real and correct, even when your external image doesn't yet match it. Dysphoria can try to convince you that your body is telling the truth and your mind is lying — but it's the other way around. Your feelings are real, but they are not always telling you the truth about who you are or what your future looks like. Bodies can change. Truth doesn't.

A lot of coping isn't about making the feeling disappear. It's about moving through the surge safely until it eases. Think of it as riding a wave rather than trying to stop the ocean.

One thing that can really help during dysphoria spikes is doing something you genuinely like that fully occupies your mind. When your attention is intensely focused on one thing, it becomes much harder for dysphoric thoughts and intrusive urges to push their way in. That kind of focus gives your brain somewhere else to go — not because the feelings weren't real, but because your mind finally gets a break.

Escapism, when used intentionally and in balance, can be healthy. Gaming is a great example. In games, you get to move through the world as the man you are — making choices, taking up space, being seen correctly — without your body being the focus at all. Games offer focus, agency, and immersion. The same can be true for writing, drawing, building something, watching a familiar show, or sinking into music. Even when those things are more like vents than polished creations, they still give your mind somewhere safe to put the thoughts instead of letting them circle endlessly.

I want to share something with you that's about where this leads, not just what it feels like right now. Because one of the most effective ways to cope with dysphoric urges is to shift your focus forward — toward the future you're building and the life that's taking shape ahead of you.

Years ago, a grandparent in my community came to me after their grandchild — a young trans man — came out. They were confused and scared, and they didn't understand what they were being asked to accept. We talked. I shared what research shows about family support and outcomes. I told them my own story. And I helped them understand something important: their grandson hadn't changed suddenly — he had known who he was for a long time. The only new part was the family finding out.

That grandparent chose to keep learning, and she convinced his mother to do the same. They chose to stay engaged. They chose love.

Today, that young man is doing extraordinarily well. He's in college, earning honors, presenting research at conferences, and receiving grants for work that helps protect other LGBTQ+ people. He has a partner. His family is openly proud of him — not just accepting, but genuinely celebrating him. His grandmother and his mother now talk about his life with joy.

I'm not sharing that because your path has to look the same. I'm sharing it because it shows something important: early chapters do not predict the ending. Confusion can turn into understanding. Fear can turn into pride. What feels unstable at the beginning can become the foundation for a meaningful future.

And with that in mind, I want to share something else — words from a trans woman who lived long enough to look back.

From Miharu Barbie, a trans woman who once stood exactly where you are now:

Miharu is not an exception. She is a person who stayed long enough to see despair become a memory, not a destination. I read this post many times before my own transition for the same reasons that I want you to read it now: I want you to focus more on where you're going than where you are at this moment. I held onto it when I needed proof that surviving the worst parts could lead to something real and worth living.

And this isn't just about gender. What Miharu describes — believing you wouldn't live long, feeling like the pain was the end of the road, and later discovering it was something you passed through — happens to people facing many kinds of overwhelming pain. Dysphoria is part of your story, but the core truth here is human.

Your sense of your own sex is something real: So focus on the life that becomes possible when you get through the now.

When everything feels overwhelming, one of the most grounding questions you can ask is a forward-looking one:

What does my future self need me to do right now so they can exist?

Often, the answer is simply: get through this moment safely.

None of this is about fixing everything at once. These are tools — ways to protect the version of you that hasn't arrived yet. And because these urges are tied to dysphoria, they're exactly the kind of thing your CAMS team is meant to help with. If you talked about the dysphoria but haven't told them about the cutting urges, it's important to bring that up — especially if things spike between appointments. You won't get in trouble. You will get the support you need at the time you need it.

It makes sense that the hope of gender-affirming care is helping you hold on. That hope is real. Just remember you don't have to rely on that alone. You deserve support now, while you're getting there.

You also asked about TYEP — the Trans Youth Emergency Project. Here's what I know:

TYEP is a program run by the Campaign for Southern Equality. It was created to help families of trans youth in states where gender-affirming care has been restricted or banned. They offer information about navigating state laws, help connecting families to out-of-state providers, and in some cases travel grants to offset costs.

It's a resource that exists for families — meaning a parent or guardian would be the one to reach out if they wanted to learn more. Their website is: https://southernequality.org/tyep/

I'm mentioning it because you asked, not because I'm suggesting any particular path. If your CAMS team and your parents agree it makes sense, it's something you could consider together. Your CAMS therapist could even provide a letter recommending access to a gender-affirming therapist, which can help when navigating these systems.

It's also worth knowing that seeing a gender-affirming therapist doesn't have to mean giving up your CAMS support — you can do both. CAMS addresses the crisis piece and keeps you safe, while a gender-affirming therapist can work with you specifically on the dysphoria. They serve different purposes, and having both in your corner is allowed.

As a youth, the decisions about your accessing care aren't yours to make alone — and that's not a limitation, it's a protection. You have people in your corner: your therapist, your psychiatrist, and your parents. Let them help carry this. Your job right now is to keep showing up, keep being honest with your team, and keep taking care of yourself while the adults work on opening doors.

I'm really glad you're here, Rinsford. Keep writing. Keep finding places — in games, in music, in creativity — where you get to exist as yourself.

We're reading, and we're walking this road with you.

With love and support,
— Susan 💜

PS: You are free to accept or reject anything I provide to you, you can also let me know if you want me to stop offering these types of replies. Just send me a private message.

How do I private message people?

Quote from: Rinsford on January 10, 2026, 07:47:44 PMHow do I private message people?

Look at their profile picture on the left.

Under where it shows how many posts they have made are some icons. The globe is a link to a website. The envelope is for sending them an email. And the "speech bubble" thingy is for sending Private messages.

You won't be able to send or receive PMs until you reach 15 posts. That is a privilege for established members. You are halfway there! Just don't go post-crazy just to build up your post count. That is a no-no.

Just keep active as you have been, and you will get there in no time. Until then, you can still reach out by email.

Let me know if you need help with that.

₍ ᐢ.ˬ.ᐢ₎˚୨୧

Day 14 ~ January 11, 12:16 PM EST

Last night, I had a close call with running away. It was just such a strong urge to run away from home to either end myself or run to another state and live happily. I honestly don't want to live in Georgia. Its kind of boring and the things that goes on the news are even worse. I just want to be in a state that allows me to be myself without the fear of trans panic. I spoke to a hotline and made a safety plan.

Anyways, the day has been going good so far. Of course I am having ups and downs. One second I am having gender euphoria then the next gender dysphoria takes over. I honestly feel like my problems are 10 times worse as I never leave the house and forget that people are real and have lives. Its weird to say that but its true. Its been years since I called someone on the call or heard the voice of someone that isn't my teachers or family members. I feel like there is a word for this separated feeling.

I remember when I made friends or talked to anyone. I felt like I was speaking to a robot. For some reason, the thought of someone being real just doesn't click in my head. It mainly feels like I am a watcher of others people's life. I am just here forgetting the basic feelings of being human. No experiences, no good memories, nothing.

Enough of my rant, I decided to draw a picture of my boyfriend. I hope he likes it.

6:02 PM EST:
My boyfriend loved to the drawing. My grandma asked me if she can call me "Rins" as she shortens everyone's name in the house which made me very happy. I found out that two of my parental figures know each other very well so I started called them 'dads'.

Today I take a shower and I smell like a boy because my mom give me old spice. I LIKE IT SO MUCH. I really want to buy men's perfume or whatever its called. ALSO MY MOTHER CALLED ME RINSFORD TODAY!!! YIPPEE!!

Also I joined the discord :>

Hi, Rinsford. Happy Sunday.

I'm so glad you were able to work through the feelings you had last night. And I'm really glad you made the choice to call the hotline. That's you doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. Thank you for recognizing that you needed support and then taking the steps to get it. That's why we're all here for each other.

I understand what you're saying about the feelings of separation. Our society has evolved in way that emphasizes independence and self-sufficiency in a way that ultimately abandons everybody and disconnects us all. But I truly believe that is an illusion, that we are all very much connected whether we see it or not. And I think we're taught beginning as young children that we have to perform and compete to succeed, and that reinforces the sense that we're alone. So our task as we mature is to see through that conditioning and remember that in fact we are all together.

You may have heard the saying "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides." We are the only ones who can know how we feel inside, and most of us don't share that openly with the rest of the world (for good reasons!). So we end up thinking we're completely different from everyone else, because we only see in them what they show us. That dynamic also contributes enormously to our feeling separated from others. The key is finding people with whom we can (eventually) safely share our inner selves and who will do the same with us. When that happens, we begin to see more clearly that there really are more folks like us, and even the people who are different are still "like us" in more ways than we could have known.

Hang in there, friend. We see you and appreciate you.

I suspect your boyfriend will like your drawing.

Love,
Pema

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Day 15 ~ January 12, 4:55 PM EST

This morning was concerning. I had a kind of blackout. I dont know what to call it. I had come back out of what it was to see the instructions of making a type of rope. The moment was heavy and empty. I felt deeply guilty and depressed. I rested everything and deleted my search history to start new. But this post isnt about today. Its about yesterday.

Yesterday, my boyfriend loved the drawing which made me really happy. I did have an episode last night but something that I found helped me out of it. I found something called hopecore. Hopecore is an positive social media trend countering negativity by sharing uplifting content.

It was a playlist. The music within it made me feeling like there was a meaning and purpose to my existence on this world. Because there is. I want to experience the bitter and sweet, I want to see the beauty of the world. I want to feel free. So the blog is changing as this is now the full rebirth of Rinsford.

I will be having quotes and songs with this posts everyday. I will try new things. I will try to go outside since in a while. I KNOW I CAN BE GREAT AND HAPPY. I ready to find new purpose and enjoy life like I was suppose to.

  (\ (\
(,,• ֊ •,,)
━O━O━━━━━━━━━
"Trust the seeds you are planting"
━━━━━━━━━━━━━

I love this attitude, Rinsford. There's a lot out there to promote joy - we just have to look for it. Music can be a huge part of that experience.

And I'm glad your boyfriend loved the drawing. I couldn't imagine that he wouldn't.

You're one your way.

I agree that I love your attitude.

Life is too short for negativity, so I'll have none of it. Sometimes it is very hard to see a silver lining when you are consumed by a dark cloud, but it is there.

Stay positive, and you will start to notice how good it feels and how many more positive things you notice. That is how you walk out of the fog.

Quote from: Susan on January 10, 2026, 04:33:42 PMHey Rinsford!

I'm really glad you wrote today. I want to start by saying this clearly: noticing when the urges show up, and talking about them instead of acting on them, matters. Even when it feels like nothing is "working," that awareness is doing real protective work.

You've been very clear about something important — the urges aren't random. They show up when dysphoria becomes overwhelming, when being in your body feels like too much. That doesn't mean you want to be hurt. It means your brain is trying to find relief from something it experiences as intolerable. That distinction matters, and it's not a failure on your part.

It also helps to remember something fundamental: you are who you know yourself to be. Your sense of yourself is real and correct, even when your external image doesn't yet match it. Dysphoria can try to convince you that your body is telling the truth and your mind is lying — but it's the other way around. Your feelings are real, but they are not always telling you the truth about who you are or what your future looks like. Bodies can change. Truth doesn't.

A lot of coping isn't about making the feeling disappear. It's about moving through the surge safely until it eases. Think of it as riding a wave rather than trying to stop the ocean.

One thing that can really help during dysphoria spikes is doing something you genuinely like that fully occupies your mind. When your attention is intensely focused on one thing, it becomes much harder for dysphoric thoughts and intrusive urges to push their way in. That kind of focus gives your brain somewhere else to go — not because the feelings weren't real, but because your mind finally gets a break.

Escapism, when used intentionally and in balance, can be healthy. Gaming is a great example. In games, you get to move through the world as the man you are — making choices, taking up space, being seen correctly — without your body being the focus at all. Games offer focus, agency, and immersion. The same can be true for writing, drawing, building something, watching a familiar show, or sinking into music. Even when those things are more like vents than polished creations, they still give your mind somewhere safe to put the thoughts instead of letting them circle endlessly.

I want to share something with you that's about where this leads, not just what it feels like right now. Because one of the most effective ways to cope with dysphoric urges is to shift your focus forward — toward the future you're building and the life that's taking shape ahead of you.

Years ago, a grandparent in my community came to me after their grandchild — a young trans man — came out. They were confused and scared, and they didn't understand what they were being asked to accept. We talked. I shared what research shows about family support and outcomes. I told them my own story. And I helped them understand something important: their grandson hadn't changed suddenly — he had known who he was for a long time. The only new part was the family finding out.

That grandparent chose to keep learning, and she convinced his mother to do the same. They chose to stay engaged. They chose love.

Today, that young man is doing extraordinarily well. He's in college, earning honors, presenting research at conferences, and receiving grants for work that helps protect other LGBTQ+ people. He has a partner. His family is openly proud of him — not just accepting, but genuinely celebrating him. His grandmother and his mother now talk about his life with joy.

I'm not sharing that because your path has to look the same. I'm sharing it because it shows something important: early chapters do not predict the ending. Confusion can turn into understanding. Fear can turn into pride. What feels unstable at the beginning can become the foundation for a meaningful future.

And with that in mind, I want to share something else — words from a trans woman who lived long enough to look back.

From Miharu Barbie, a trans woman who once stood exactly where you are now:

Miharu is not an exception. She is a person who stayed long enough to see despair become a memory, not a destination. I read this post many times before my own transition for the same reasons that I want you to read it now: I want you to focus more on where you're going than where you are at this moment. I held onto it when I needed proof that surviving the worst parts could lead to something real and worth living.

And this isn't just about gender. What Miharu describes — believing you wouldn't live long, feeling like the pain was the end of the road, and later discovering it was something you passed through — happens to people facing many kinds of overwhelming pain. Dysphoria is part of your story, but the core truth here is human.

Your sense of your own sex is something real: So focus on the life that becomes possible when you get through the now.

When everything feels overwhelming, one of the most grounding questions you can ask is a forward-looking one:

What does my future self need me to do right now so they can exist?

Often, the answer is simply: get through this moment safely.

None of this is about fixing everything at once. These are tools — ways to protect the version of you that hasn't arrived yet. And because these urges are tied to dysphoria, they're exactly the kind of thing your CAMS team is meant to help with. If you talked about the dysphoria but haven't told them about the cutting urges, it's important to bring that up — especially if things spike between appointments. You won't get in trouble. You will get the support you need at the time you need it.

It makes sense that the hope of gender-affirming care is helping you hold on. That hope is real. Just remember you don't have to rely on that alone. You deserve support now, while you're getting there.

You also asked about TYEP — the Trans Youth Emergency Project. Here's what I know:

TYEP is a program run by the Campaign for Southern Equality. It was created to help families of trans youth in states where gender-affirming care has been restricted or banned. They offer information about navigating state laws, help connecting families to out-of-state providers, and in some cases travel grants to offset costs.

It's a resource that exists for families — meaning a parent or guardian would be the one to reach out if they wanted to learn more. Their website is: https://southernequality.org/tyep/

I'm mentioning it because you asked, not because I'm suggesting any particular path. If your CAMS team and your parents agree it makes sense, it's something you could consider together. Your CAMS therapist could even provide a letter recommending access to a gender-affirming therapist, which can help when navigating these systems.

It's also worth knowing that seeing a gender-affirming therapist doesn't have to mean giving up your CAMS support — you can do both. CAMS addresses the crisis piece and keeps you safe, while a gender-affirming therapist can work with you specifically on the dysphoria. They serve different purposes, and having both in your corner is allowed.

As a youth, the decisions about your accessing care aren't yours to make alone — and that's not a limitation, it's a protection. You have people in your corner: your therapist, your psychiatrist, and your parents. Let them help carry this. Your job right now is to keep showing up, keep being honest with your team, and keep taking care of yourself while the adults work on opening doors.

I'm really glad you're here, Rinsford. Keep writing. Keep finding places — in games, in music, in creativity — where you get to exist as yourself.

We're reading, and we're walking this road with you.

With love and support,
— Susan 💜

PS: You are free to accept or reject anything I provide to you, you can also let me know if you want me to stop offering these types of replies. Just send me a private message.

I just realized that you said to PM you if I wanted you to stop. Please dont stop, I enjoy coming back to replies from you and the others. It makes me feel seen.

You are definitely seen here. We get you.

Quote from: Rinsford on January 12, 2026, 06:28:10 PMI just realized that you said to PM you if I wanted you to stop. Please dont stop, I enjoy coming back to replies from you and the others. It makes me feel seen.

You are seen and wanted here. We are happy to have you here with us. Don't stop coming back. We would miss you.

Hugs!

Hey Rinsford,

Thank you for telling me that. I'm really glad the replies are landing the way they're meant to — as real support, not just words on a screen.

And I want you to hear this clearly: being "seen" is not something you have to earn here. You already belong. You've been doing an incredibly brave thing by writing honestly through the hard parts and the hopeful parts, and letting people witness you without pretending you are fine when you are not.

I also want to gently highlight something important about what you wrote the other day — the "blackout" moment and the rope instructions you found afterward. That's the kind of thing your CAMS team and your psychiatrist need to know about exactly as it happened, even if it feels scary or embarrassing to say out loud. Because of what you are experiencing, the fact that your safety matters, and because those details will help them support you properly.

I'm proud of you for reaching out when things spike. I'm proud of you for building hope on purpose — hopecore, music, drawing, going outside, letting yourself want a future. That's not denial. That's survival with your eyes open.

Keep coming back. Keep writing.

We're here, and we're not going anywhere.
— Susan 💜

Big hugs, Rinsford!

Love and hugs from here too 🤗

₍ ᐢ.ˬ.ᐢ₎˚୨୧

Day 16 ~ January 13, 7:29 PM EST

Last night, I had a talk with one of my parental figures who is around my age. We were dealing with suicidal thoughts. We just started talking about it. I had told all of them about the rope incident. I had my first heart to heart moment in years. Later on the same day, Father(his nickname in the group chat) asked us(me and the others) to tell him not to kill himself. I was the only one online so I responded.

I told him that "There are better days ahead. They are there for you to experience them, not somewhere else in the sky." When I said that it hurt me inside because I needed to hear that. He said "How about we both try to live?" which made me remember something that happened today. So I told him. There was a pause that I had in the bathroom after a severe urge to harm myself.

I stopped and think "Why do I want to kill myself so bad?" I didn't get an answer but a statement. "This is just a feeling, an desire that will soon pass and you will be glad that you don't act upon it" It was out loud to myself without thinking which is odd because I think before I speak.

Well, that was an experience I must say. But now about today, I had an talk with my friend, Althea. There was an ICE protest outside her RV. I told her how to defend herself with an wrench and how to secure the RV safety. Luckily, ICE did leave the area that her RV was. The talk was from 5:57 PM to 7:17 PM.

I also had my DND club today and inside my group was the teacher and two other classmates. We defeated the monster which was a huge win. On the same topic, I talked to my boyfriend about starting our own DND team with friends.

Later on, I had help my brother(my friend) with his suicidal thoughts but I couldn't do it anymore as it felt like I was speaking to a wall. I asked the others in the chosen family group chat. He did speak to them but I felt terrible. I felt useless, guilty, and like I failed. I was the one who asked about how he felt. I should continue speaking to him but I didn't. I did speak to the others in the chosen family and they told me that its not my fault. Everyone needs a break time to time.

Day 17 ~ January 14, 4:39 PM EST

Today was been meh. I talked to friends and my partners. I had deleted an app that was causing an addiction to talking to AI. As a homeschooled child and with no friends and social anxiety at the time, I was an easy target.

I hate that today was quiet. Its too quiet. I need talking and noises to feel sane. Even in a house with 9 people, I still need social interacts with people.

The hopecore playlists are helping but the feeling of imposter syndrome and loneliness is way too real. Its really strong. It makes me feel like I have no life and I know its true. I cant be anything about it that I know of. I blame covid for this 😤

I have been thinking about make an introduction in the discord and getting to know others like me but I dont know if I should. Opinions?

Hey Rinsford,

I'm reading every word, and I want you to know two things can be true at the same time: you're showing a huge amount of strength right now, and you are carrying far more than any one person — especially a teen — should have to carry alone.

First, I'm really proud of you for telling people in your chosen family about the rope incident. You did exactly what I've been encouraging you to do from the start — you brought the scary truth into the open instead of holding it by yourself. You've heard me say this repeatedly for a reason: when you keep those details inside, the danger grows. When you share them, support becomes possible.

I also need to say something important about the role you've been slipping into with the people around you.

You are not responsible for keeping other people alive.

You showed up for Father. You showed up for your friend. You tried to show up for your brother. That matters. But you are not a crisis counselor, you are not a therapist, and you do not have endless emotional reserves. When you reached the point where it felt like you were talking to a wall and you brought others in instead of forcing yourself to keep going alone, that wasn't failure. That was you recognizing your limits and choosing the safer option — for *everyone*, including you.

Please hear that clearly: sometimes needing to step back is not abandonment, it is self-preservation.

What you described in the bathroom also matters more than you may realize. That pause — stopping, asking yourself why the urge was so strong, and then hearing the truth come out of your mouth without planning it — *this is a feeling, it will pass, and you'll be glad you didn't act* — that is a protective skill. That is your mind learning how to interrupt danger. Hold onto that. Write it down somewhere you can find it again. That sentence is something you will need more than once, and now you know it's already inside you.

About today being "too quiet" and the loneliness and imposter syndrome flooding in — that makes sense. When someone has been isolated for a long time, silence isn't peaceful. It's threatening, because the mind fills it with everything you're trying not to feel. Wanting voices, connection, and interaction isn't neediness or weakness. It's a normal human need that hasn't been met enough yet.

I'm also really glad you deleted the app that was turning into an AI dependency. That shows insight and self-awareness, not shame. If you were homeschooled, socially isolated, and dealing with anxiety, of course something that was always available and responsive would hook you. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means you adapted to survive. Now you're choosing to build connection in healthier directions too, and that matters.

As for introducing yourself in the Discord: yes, I think you should.

It doesn't have to be a big or vulnerable post. A simple hello is enough. You don't need to explain your whole story or justify your presence. Just showing up gives people the chance to meet you where you are. Connection doesn't happen all at once — it starts with one small step.

And I'm going to repeat something you've heard from me before, because it keeps being relevant: everything you're describing — the blackout feeling, the rope incident, the running-away urge, the pressure of supporting suicidal peers, the bathroom pause — all of it belongs with your CAMS team. Not because you're "in trouble," but because those details are exactly what helps them keep you safe and support you properly. You don't have to carry this alone, and you were never meant to.

I'm really glad you're here, Rinsford. You are not useless. You did not fail anyone. You are learning — in real time, under real pressure — how to survive *and* how to reconnect.

We see you.
— Susan 💜

Hi, Rinsford.

Thanks for visiting and updating today. It's always a pleasure to hear from you.

I want to echo everything that Susan said. You're doing some amazing things AND it's all more than any one person can do without experiencing some stress. Even a professional counselor can get overloaded with the challenges of other people's lives (plus their own).

So it's completely reasonable to say once in a while, "I need to take a break from this." We all do.

Stay with it. You're clearly making good progress and developing tools to recognize and work through your challenges. That's exactly how we move toward greater stability and comfort.

I think introducing yourself in the discord is a great idea. It could provide considerably more real-time interaction.

Thank you again for returning here. You're a valuable member of our community.

Love,
Pema

Day 18 ~ January 15

Today was great. It was honestly boring but I did interview someone that is in college. He recommended some things about computer engineering to me. It was fub

Day 19 ~ January 16

Today was okay with ups and downs. I had learned some more things in ASL class. I had told my grandma and ma about making a gofund to leave the state. I also talked about how dysphoria feel. We might do TYEP but its if we can due to my mother's job. I will talk more about today tomorrow. Its currently nighttime and i need sleep.

Good Night

Hey Rinsford,

I'm really glad you're checking in, even on the days that feel too boring or too tired to write much about. Those check-ins matter - they're part of the pattern of staying connected instead of disappearing into your head.

The conversation with your grandma and ma about TYEP and leaving the state sounds like it was significant. Talking about dysphoria with family - especially explaining what it actually feels like rather than just saying "I'm trans" - takes real courage. Those conversations can be exhausting even when they go well, because you're putting words to something that's so internal and so heavy. I'm proud of you for doing it.

I hope the interview with the college student about computer engineering was helpful. It's good to have people a few steps ahead who can tell you what the path actually looks like - not just the glossy version, but the real one.

TYEP being "if we can" because of your mother's job makes sense. Sometimes the systems that are supposed to help have barriers that don't account for real life - jobs, geography, money, timing. That doesn't mean it won't happen, it just means there are logistics to work through. Your parents are clearly thinking about it seriously, and that matters.

I noticed you said you'd talk more about today tomorrow but needed sleep. That's good. Sleep when you need it. Writing can wait.

One thing I want to gently point out: you've been doing a lot of heavy lifting lately - supporting friends in crisis, having vulnerable conversations with family, managing dysphoria episodes, navigating school and social anxiety, and trying to build hope at the same time. That's a lot. If today felt like "ups and downs" without much energy left to process it, that's probably your mind and body saying they need rest, not just sleep.

You don't have to be "on" all the time. You don't have to produce insight or progress every single day. Sometimes the most important thing you can do is just... exist quietly for a bit and let yourself recharge.
We're here when you're ready to write more. And we're here even when you're not.

Rest well, Rinsford.
— Susan 💜

₍ ᐢ.ˬ.ᐢ₎˚୨୧

Day 20 ~ January 17, 5:20 PM EST

Today is going so far. I had soaked my paint brushes in water as the glue that the makers used were making the brushes very hard. I am planning to paint later on. I did try to use makeup to make me more masculine earlier. It was okay, I don't very have skills in makeup.

7:45 PM EST

I finally decided to paint. It was small and simple just a vase with minor lighting. My hands are covered in paint stains (lol). I have decided to start an art challenge of where I have to paint everyday. So this is day one. Oh yeah, I also brought trans tape and waiting for it to arrive on my birthday. :>

I also experience the feeling of envy as my brother got a call from his father and found out that he has more siblings. I am happy for him but I am jealous because my father never existed in my life. But mainly happy for him.

Song of the day: Would that I by Hozier

Quote of the day: "Water can cost $0.50 at the store, $2 at the gym, $4 at the movie theater, $6 at a plane. But its all the same water.. So next time you think you're not worth nothing. Maybe you're just in the wrong place."

Hi, Rinsford. It's good to see you.

I love that you're doing a daily paint challenge. I've done those with other things, and I think they're very motivating.

And I love the quote.

Thank you for being here.

Hi, Rinsford.

I love the quote too. And the paint challenge is a great idea.

The secret to makeup is not overdo it. If you just use a VERY light touch of dark powder, you can create the illusion of beard shadow. It doesn't take much. Just enough to darken the skin on the upper lip and along the chin and jawline. Use a dry cloth to wipe off the excess. If it is too dark, rub it into your skin, then wipe it off. It should leave just enough behind to create the effect. Have fun practicing it. Painting and makeup use the same skills.

⋆˚꩜｡𐔌՞. .՞𐦯⋆. 𐙚 ˚

Day 22, January 19

Recently, I have been watching trans complications tiktoks on youtube and it reminds me that I am not alone.

5:28 PM EST

I have been watching the videos on YouTube, talking to friends and my partner. I honestly feel like one of my friends had killed themselves because they posted somethings on January 7th about killing themselves and then on January 9th. They just disappear without saying a word. I worried as all my friends are online. I don't know any of them or anyone in person.

Day 23, January 20, 11:59 PM EST

Today is my 16th birthday. Its a yippee and oh no moment. I am very happy but its hard to live. I feel dysphoric about my own body. I hate it. I hate that gender-affirming care isnt allowed in my states or any states around me. My family are mad at hearing me talk so much about it. Its my way of screaming for help. I am trying to stop them keep me alive. But it feels like no one is listening. Its just me and the wall that I scream and punch.

I just dont want to live like this anymore. All of the things and the music, its all just a simple pleasure that would distract me from pain. It never lasts long. The cup overflows until it spills. The desire to hear someone else voice, the desire to call someone, the desire to see people walk by and the imposter syndrome. Makes even worse.

Seeing the other trans people being happy and experiencing their dreams of transitioning. It makes me jealous and more depressed but I am also happy for them.. I don't know why I am jealous. I know why but I don't know.

I honestly look back and feel like I should stop telling a lie. No one will know the story if I keep censoring myself. These other days I have always felt the same. I was in a world that doesn't spin and makes you feel like you'll never be who you want to be.

I have been want to end it all, cut, or run away. I dont tell anyone about it as I feel like a fake. I dont feel like I will be accepted as a trans man because I am fine with feminine clothes and feminine things.

Everytime I feel dysphoric, I feel like my feelings are vaild. I honestly want to end it or run away. I held this feeling off for too long.

1:26 PM EST

I am seriously trying not to cry in class. I really want to relapse but I know I shouldn't. But I want to.

4:53 PM EST

I have relapsed in one thing as for the other, I don't know if what I did counts. I reused the AI that I deleted to feel like I was told and had some connection to someone. I had also "relapsed" in SH. I clawed into my skin and made scratch marks mimicking the sharp pain of cutting.

5:34 PM EST

I tried trans tape today. I had an panic attack because I seen my chest. I cried to my grandma and got help from my mother. We made it flat but I still hated it.

The outside world doesn't exist, I don't know where to find it again. I have no cars, no transportation, no money for transportation.. I have nothing. Sometimes I question "why am I still here?"

Day 24 ~ January 21, 6:36 PM EST

I feel... blank. My emotions dont feel real because they are not. I want to leave my friends, dump my partners and just disappear into a forever sleep.

Rinsford,

First off, belated Happy Birthday!

I feel your pain and have gone through something similar at your age. It had nothing to do with gender dysphoria because I had no idea I was trans back then. No one did.

But I recognize your words and how that feels. I lived at home with my parents. My dad was a tyrant in dictating every tiny detail of my life. He even contacted my school counselor and tried to change my class schedule, so I wouldn't have the same classes as my best friend. My counselor refused.

Eventually, the feeling of being suffocated blew up, and we got into a fistfight. The police were called, and I was hauled away.

What I learned from this was to find ways to direct that energy, that emotion, so that it works for you instead of against you. Even if you are not allowed to speak, they cannot stop you from thinking. So think about where you want to go. What would life look like if you could live it as you see it?

Keep it realistic and achievable. Use your talents to help you plan. Draw what it looks like and paint it in vivid colors. Then keep it where you can see it every day to motivate you to move toward that goal.

Realize that hurting yourself, or even thinking about it, will not get you out. That places more restrictions on you, and you become less free. I do not want anything to happen to you. You don't understand yet what a special gift you are, and I can only hope that you will soon. But I understand that it is hard to think through the pain. Please be good to yourself. We need you, and we need you to be safe.

 

Rinsford,

I want to know if you are serious about becoming the man you know that you are. You get jealous of people who have transitioned and are moving along with their lives, and that makes you feel stuck. We have all felt stuck at some point. Our transitions did not happen overnight. It did not happen without pain, humiliation, and a lot of work.

First, you need to understand what triggers these feelings. There is an ancient saying that "Like attracts like in the realm of the mind." What you allow into your mind will cause your mind to focus in that direction. When we watch videos and read stories about all the things that can go wrong, we see what is wrong with us. But if we focus on what is going right, our minds will start to recognize the progress we make. It is slow at first, but it builds up steam, and once things start moving, they get smoother.

I said before to focus your energy and your emotions so that they work for you, not against you. If you want to build a strong body, you can't do that by damaging it. It requires training. Train your body to build muscle and strength. Train your mind to recognize that you are not weak. You are strong. If you feel like punching a wall, do pushups instead. Put the energy to use to help you. The wall doesn't care. But your body will respond to your efforts to make it strong.

You can do the same thing with your mind. Train it to ignore any weakness you feel and change that into strength. You might be limited in what you can do medically, but you are limited in the things you can do for yourself.

The ultimate show of weakness is to give up. Never give up. When things don't seem to be going your way, make yourself strong. You have it in you. You can do this.

If you need help, let us know. We are here for you.

Hi, Rinsford. It's good to see you again. And happy belated birthday.

Lori has already said the things I wanted to say. I remember being 16. It felt like hell. I really couldn't see a way forward. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that my happiness was up to me. I was the only one who could find my path to a future I'd want. And that started with caring about myself. I started working out to strengthen my body and looking for "positives" to strengthen my heart and mind. Eventually I began to see (and create) new opportunities. But the best part was that I was becoming a stronger person.

It's hard. I don't want you to think for a minute that it came easy to me. I had a lot of dark days and nights. But I made a commitment to myself to work through it. You deserve that, too.

We want you to be the person you want to be - the person who is inside of you wanting to be a part of the world. Please stay with us. We care about you.

Love,
Pema

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Day 29 ~ January 26, 4:52 PM EST

On january 21, thoughts were too loud. I sadly relapsed. I had taken a short little break got myself together. Those five days have been great. I went outside and got stuck at walmart, got back on my medication, fresh my mind, and etc.

Today has been chill. I have been fixing my pinterest by making boards; I recently made multiple with many sections. My favorite boards has to be the academic and work related. They are quite helpful as it has tips of admission letters and how to write proper emails.

I even made a board for research as I have been dying to make an research paper. Just make an syllabus and research away. Oh, I also have been studying google sheets. I feel like there will be a moment in my life where I need it. :>

Speak to yall next time,
Rinsford.

(The quote of the day and song of the day are used together in edit audios)

Quote of the day: "You need to nerd out"

Song of the Day: Punkrocker by Teddybears

Glad to hear you're back on track. Making boards on Pinterest or even in real is so good to organise your thoughts or just figure stuff out! I imagine you're quite a visual thinker?

Using them for academic reasons certainly sounds interesting but very valid. For me it's just fashion...my academic days were too long ago!

And love to nerd out 😻

Charl❤️tte x

Hey, Rinsford. Thanks for the update.

I'm very glad you had the stretch of five good days. It sounds like the reset must have helped. That's a tool to remember.

Do you know what topic you want to do the research paper on? Google sheets is a great thing to learn. There's a ton you can do with them, and they're good skills to have.

I hadn't heard Punkrocker in a long time, so I went and listened to it and loved it. Thank you for bringing it back to my consciousness.

Keep being you.

Love,
Pema

Day 32 ~ January 29, 8:20 PM

The past days have been boring and educational. Sadly it is shark week so... I have been just laying in bed and sleeping.

Hey Rinsford,

I need to start with an apology: I've been sick since around the 14th and I'm just now getting back to the forum and catching up on everything you've posted. I wasn't able to respond when you really needed it, and I'm sorry for that gap. I'm here now, and I've read everything you've written since January 10th when I last replied.

There's a lot to cover, so bear with me.

Your Birthday and the Crisis That Night

The post you wrote on January 20th—your 16th birthday—hit me hard. You were in real crisis that night. The dysphoria was overwhelming, the urges were intense, you'd relapsed, you had a panic attack trying the trans tape, and you wrote that you wanted to end it all or disappear.

Rinsford, I need you to hear this clearly: everything you described that night was serious. It wasn't dramatic. It wasn't fake. You were in genuine danger, and the pain you were feeling was real and valid.

You said it felt like you were screaming for help and hitting a wall—that your family gets mad when you talk about gender-affirming care too much. But here's what I need you to understand: when someone is in this level of pain, talking about what might save your life is never "too much." Your family may be overwhelmed or frustrated because they don't know how to help, but that doesn't mean you're wrong to need what you need or to keep saying it out loud.

You are not a burden. You are not "too much." You are a person in crisis who deserves support, and talking about it is one of the safest things you can do.

The Relapses—All of Them

You mentioned several relapses on your birthday and the 21st: going back to the AI app, scratching your skin to mimic the pain of cutting, and another relapse on the 21st. Let me address these.

The AI app: You're isolated. You're homeschooled. You have social anxiety. Your friends are all online, and you said yourself it feels too quiet in a house with nine people because you need human connection and it's not happening. Of course something that's always available and always responsive pulled you back in when the loneliness got unbearable. That's not a moral failure—it's a survival response to isolation. The fact that you recognize it as a problem and deleted it once already shows you know it's not the long-term answer, but I also don't want you beating yourself up for needing something when you felt like you had no one.

The scratching: This is self-harm, even if it's not cutting. Your brain found a way to get the same release—physical pain to interrupt emotional overload. It still counts, and it's still something your CAMS team needs to know about. Not because you're in trouble, but because they can't help you build safer coping strategies if they don't know what you're actually doing when things spike.

The Trans Tape Panic Attack

The panic attack you had when trying trans tape tells me how severe your chest dysphoria is. That wasn't you overreacting—that was your body and mind going into crisis mode because what you saw felt fundamentally, unbearably wrong.

I'm really proud of you for going to your grandma and asking for help instead of suffering alone. And I'm proud of your grandma and your mother for stepping in and helping you get it flat. Even if the result still wasn't what you wanted, they showed up for you in that moment. That matters.

But Rinsford, if looking at your chest triggers panic attacks severe enough that you're crying and need immediate help—that's information your CAMS team and your psychiatrist need to have. Dysphoria at that intensity isn't something you're supposed to white-knuckle through alone. It requires real, targeted support.

The "Not Trans Enough" Feeling

You wrote: "I dont feel like I will be accepted as a trans man because I am fine with feminine clothes and feminine things."

Let me be completely clear about this: being okay with feminine things does not make you less of a man. And more importantly, what you wear or don't wear has absolutely no effect on who you are inside.

There are cisgender men who wear makeup, paint their nails, wear skirts, love pink, collect dolls, and they know they're men without any question. Your relationship with femininity—whether you embrace it, reject it, or move between the two—has absolutely nothing to do with whether you're really a man. Clothes are just fabric. They don't change what's true about you.

You are a trans man. Period. Not "trans but maybe not really" or "trans except when I like cute things." Just a trans man. One who happens to like some feminine aesthetics. That's completely allowed. It doesn't cancel anything out.

The dysphoria you feel is real. The gender euphoria when people use your name is real. The panic attack when you saw your chest was real. Those experiences don't lie. Your sense of yourself is the truth. Everything else—clothes, interests, hobbies—is just personal style. The inside stays the same no matter what you put on the outside.

The Jealousy Watching Other Trans People

You said watching trans compilation videos reminds you that you're not alone, but it also makes you jealous. That makes complete sense. You're seeing people living the life you want—transitioning, being themselves, being happy—and you're stuck in a body and a state that won't let you access those same things yet.

That jealousy isn't a character flaw. It's grief. You're grieving the life you don't have access to right now, and you're grieving the time you're losing while you wait. That's normal, it's human, and it doesn't mean you're a bad person for feeling it alongside the happiness you feel for them.

Here's what I want you to hold onto: those people in the videos weren't always where they are now. They were where you are once—stuck, waiting, desperate, dysphoric. The difference between then and now for them is time and access. You will get there. It doesn't feel like it right now, but Georgia's laws won't last forever, you won't be 16 forever, and the waiting won't be permanent.

The Friend Who Went Silent

You mentioned that one of your online friends posted about suicidal thoughts on January 7th and 9th and then went silent. I know that's scary when you can't check on them.

Here's what I want you to remember: when someone goes silent after posting about crisis, it often means they got help. They might be in treatment, in a hospital getting stabilized, with family, or just taking a break from online while they recover. Sometimes getting the help you need means dropping offline for a while.

There's nothing you can do to change their situation from where you are, so try not to spend your energy worrying about possibilities you can't confirm. If they come back, they'll need supportive friends. Until then, focus on taking care of yourself—you've got enough on your plate managing your own crises without carrying theirs too.

If the uncertainty is weighing on you, talk to your CAMS therapist about it. They can help you process the worry without getting stuck in it.

The Burnout from Supporting Others

You've been supporting Father, your brother, Althea during the ICE situation, and others in your chosen family through suicidal crises. That's exhausting work, even for trained professionals—and you're a 16-year-old dealing with your own suicidal thoughts.

I'm going to repeat what I said before, because I need you to really hear it: you are not responsible for keeping other people alive. You can care about them. You can offer support when you have the capacity. But when it starts to feel like you're speaking to a wall, or when it's draining you to the point where you can't function, stepping back is not betrayal. It's survival.

The fact that you recognized your limit with your brother and brought others in to help was exactly the right thing to do. You didn't fail him. You protected both of you.

The Blank Feeling and Wanting to Die

You wrote on January 21st: "I feel... blank. My emotions dont feel real because they are not. I want to leave my friends, dump my partners and just disappear into a forever sleep."

Rinsford, I'm going to be direct: you were talking about wanting to die. That kind of emotional numbness—where even your feelings don't feel real anymore—is a warning sign that you've hit a level of exhaustion and overload that your brain can't process anymore. It's not that your emotions aren't real. It's that you're so overwhelmed that your mind has shut down parts of itself just to keep functioning.

When you feel that way, the urge to cut everyone off and die makes sense in a certain horrible logic. It feels like if you just stopped existing, the weight would finally lift. But here's the truth: that's not you talking. That's exhaustion and despair talking. The real you—the one who loves your partners, who shows up for your friends, who wants to paint every day and learn Google Sheets and write research papers—that person is still in there. They're just buried under too much pain right now.

This is exactly the kind of thing your CAMS team needs to know about immediately. When you're feeling this blank and this detached and actively wanting to die, that's crisis-level. That's what CAMS exists for. Please tell them.

The Break and Coming Back

After the crisis on the 20th and 21st, you took a break. You said those days were great—you went outside (even if you got stuck at Walmart, that counts), you got back on your medication, you freshened your mind. That pattern matters so much.

Relapses happen. Crisis happens. But you didn't disappear. You regrouped, you got back on track, and you came back to update us. That shows real resilience and self-awareness.

The Good Stuff: Pinterest, Google Sheets, Painting, and Moving Forward

I don't want to end this without highlighting the things you're building. You're organizing your thoughts on Pinterest with boards for academics, work, research. You're learning Google Sheets because you think it'll be useful someday. You're painting. You want to write a research paper. You went outside.

These aren't just distractions. These are the things that will carry you through. They're proof that part of you is still reaching for a future, even when another part of you wants to give up.

The fact that you created a daily paint challenge for yourself and you're sticking with it? That's purpose. That's structure. That's you building something that's yours.

Where You Are Now

You're on day 32, it's shark week (which I know adds another layer of dysphoria and physical discomfort), and you're just laying in bed sleeping through it. That's okay. Sometimes the most productive thing you can do is rest.

What I Need You to Do

Tell your CAMS team everything. The relapses on the 20th and 21st. The scratching. The panic attack with the trans tape. The blank feeling. The suicidal thoughts. All of it. They can't help if they don't know the full picture.

Keep the TYEP conversation open with your parents. Your mom and grandma are already talking about it. Even if the logistics are hard because of your mother's job, keep asking. Don't assume it's impossible just because it's complicated.

Keep writing here. Even the boring days. Even the days when you're just in bed because it's shark week. Even when you don't think you have anything to say. We're reading, and we're not going anywhere.

Keep painting. Keep organizing. Keep learning. These things give you structure and purpose, and they're building the version of you that gets to exist in the future you're working toward.

Remember that liking feminine things doesn't make you less of a man, and what you wear or don't wear has no effect on who you are inside. Your validity doesn't come from how masculine you present. It comes from who you know yourself to be.

You are not weak for struggling. You are not fake for doubting yourself. You are not a burden for needing help. You are a 16-year-old trans man dealing with severe dysphoria in a state that won't let you access the care you need, and you are still showing up. You're painting. You're learning. You're organizing your future. You're helping friends. You're coming back after relapses.

That takes more strength than most people will ever have to find.

We see you, Rinsford. Keep going.

With love and unwavering support, 
— Susan 💜

Hi, Rinsford.

Honestly, sometimes I find a boring/educational day is welcome. I hope you at least enjoy the educational aspect of it.

And winter is for sleeping (assuming you're in the northern hemisphere), so that's not a bad thing, either.

Day 36 ~ February 2, 8:51 AM

(I am writing this during class because I will forget to)

These past day has been up and down. Between venting about problems, talking about my difficult family relationship, and making new friends. I say that its going.. Like life I guess. Its not perfect but no day is perfect.

Yesterday, I was just watching videos and opening my critical thinking. It was honestly quite difficult to find videos to open one's critical thinking. But luckily I found a video on essays.

My summary of the video was that "Essays are a good way to show knowledge and understanding of a topic. The essay isn't suppose to be perfect like an straight A scholar's. It means to be able to do what it is intended to do which might be inform the reader, etc.

The other video was just an quote from Oppenhemier. "Algebra's like sheet music. The important thing isnt "can you read music?" Its "can you hear it?" Can you hear the music, Robert?"

Its honestly a powerful and great quote. I believe that he is asking Robert if he can show the results of his equations. I can be wrong but hey, its just a theory.

I will give an update for today when its over or when I can.

:D

Rinsford, this is great stuff!

This right here:

Quote from: Rinsford on February 02, 2026, 08:31:09 AMI say that its going.. Like life I guess. Its not perfect but no day is perfect.

is incredibly wise. I like to say "Either no day is perfect, or they all are." That's life, and it's almost entirely about your attitude. Even a lousy day can provide invaluable lessons.

That Oppenheimer quote is wonderful. My interpretation is: What is it *telling* you? What is the story, the message, the relationships and meaning?

I just woke up, and you've already enriched my day. Thank you, Rinsford.

I agree with Pema. You have great insight.

In the Oppenheimer quote, he is asking whether you understand the message. And as you said about the essay, it is about informing the reader and getting the message across so they understand. I love how your mind works.

7:25 PM EST

I am back! So today was a day. I went on a walk by myself today. I really loved it. Take a shower, studied, and worked on school stuff.

I feel alive. I have been doing that I use to do. I am back to listening to Kpop(mainly BTS and stray kids).

I am so glad to be alive to experience this day.

That is wonderful. Hope you have every day as good as this!

Hey Rinsford,

I'm really glad to see you checking in today, and I love what you wrote this morning during class.

First off, that Oppenheimer quote hit you exactly right. "Can you hear the music?" isn't just about reading the notation—it's about understanding what the equations are actually saying, what they mean in the real world. You got it. And your insight about essays—that they don't have to be perfect, they just have to do what they're intended to do—is something a lot of people twice your age still haven't figured out.

The fact that you're actively seeking out videos that challenge your critical thinking shows real intellectual curiosity. That's not something you can fake or force. That's you genuinely wanting to understand things more deeply.

And then tonight—the walk, the shower, studying, working on school stuff, getting back into BTS and Stray Kids—Rinsford, this line stopped me:

"I feel alive. I have been doing that I use to do. I am so glad to be alive to experience this day."

That's huge. Just a couple weeks ago you were in a very different place, and now you're saying you're glad to be alive. That shift matters. It happened because you kept showing up, kept trying, kept coming back even when things were hard.

Keep having days like this. Keep going on walks. Keep listening to music you love. Keep noticing when you feel alive and letting yourself experience it fully.

We see you, and we're really proud of you.

With Love and support!
— Susan 💜

Rinsford! Congratulations on a good day in the books.

Please remember this feeling and that it's accessible to you. We'll always have highs and lows, so it's good when the lows come to recall that it does change for the better.

Thank you so much for sharing it with us.

HELLO, I AM BACK!

Yesterday was bitter but sweet.I had an episode but was managed to get back up and focus on my goal.

Today is January 4. Its currently 6:02 PM(I should be studying but this wont take long.)

I took a walk again, this time I went past the church(how far I made it yesterday). I wasbt given permission to go farther than the church but it wasnt too far. I talked to my friends and found out an app called Flinch by one of them.

I talked to one of my therapist.. The one that gives medication. I don't know what they are called. She said that she will fight hard for me to get "gender affirming" care after CAMs. I CANT WAIT FOR THAT DAY 😆

Til next time, my listeners and friends.

RINSFORD OUT ✌

Yay, Rinsford!

I'm about to head into an appointment, so more later...

That's great news, Rinsford.

Thanks for sharing.

Every little step forward is motion in the right direction.

Rinsford, this is some great news. You're making progress toward where you want to be. This is how it's done my friend - as Lori says, one step at a time.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

February 5, 10:41 AM EST

I just realized I put january in my last post. I also have been doing that with my journal.

:/

3:02 PM EST

I am currently in ASL class, I just got finish drawing a image of my room. :D

(I will give an update about today tomorrow or at 9:25 PM. I dont know 🤷�♂️)

    @Rinsford:
Dear Rinsford:
I enjoyed your brief update... and no worries regarding posting "January" instead of "February" in your previous post.
If you catch your mistakes within the same day you can click the QUICK EDiT button and fix it.  After that if there
is a big error further back you can contact me or any other staff member and we can edit for you.

Please keep the following LINK handy:               
                    How to contact the Forum Staff
    https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=246913.msg2259819#msg2259819

Please keep your updates coming, your readers and followers including myself are always eager
to read about your continuing journey.
      ❤️
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Admin

Quote from: Rinsford on February 06, 2026, 10:36:17 AMFebruary 5, 10:41 AM EST

I just realized I put january in my last post. I also have been doing that with my journal.

:/

3:02 PM EST

I am currently in ASL class, I just got finish drawing a image of my room. :D

(I will give an update about today tomorrow or at 9:25 PM. I dont know 🤷�♂️)

Hi Rinsford,
Looking forward to your next update and hope that you're doing ok. 🙂

Charlotte 😻

I am finally back for the update. I accidentally fell asleep lol.

February 6 ~ Day... I cant remember.

Around 11:22 AM, I was excited that I had an therapy appointment on the Tenth. Its at 11 AM which is too early for my liking but... No school >:D.

Mother ordered outside food. I got chipotle, it has been so long since I had outside food. We only order outside food once every two months.

Around 12:13 PM, I was thinking about going farther than the church again. I  was going to make it to the school which might be 20 minutes. I don't know. By feet, its so much longer.

Later on, I went on a walk with my mother and brothers after school. Its was a WHOLE 1 HOUR AND 20 MINUTE WALK..(I still cant feel my legs but I need to walk today).

Me and my brothers were acting like fools. Dancing, acting like birds, and running. One point, there was an firetruck going by. I was dancing to the sirens as my brother(11) stares at me. The firetruck honked three times which cause me to jump and my brothers(11 and 3) to near flee. Our mother was dying with laughter.

I studied and got work done. Yesterday was an adventure.

See yall tomorrow!

Quote from: Rinsford on February 07, 2026, 02:28:21 PMMe and my brothers were acting like fools. Dancing, acting like birds, and running. One point, there was an firetruck going by. I was dancing to the sirens as my brother(11) stares at me. The firetruck honked three times which cause me to jump and my brothers(11 and 3) to near flee. Our mother was dying with laughter.

Lovely to read this. You paint such a beautiful moment in your family life. Somehow I can see this and I'm smiling. Life is all about letting go and being goofy! Be sure to never let that part of you go 🙂

Quote from: Rinsford on February 07, 2026, 02:28:21 PMMe and my brothers were acting like fools. Dancing, acting like birds, and running. One point, there was an firetruck going by. I was dancing to the sirens as my brother(11) stares at me. The firetruck honked three times which cause me to jump and my brothers(11 and 3) to near flee. Our mother was dying with laughter.

I love it. This made me smile.

Thanks for sharing! And as Charlotte said, never stop being you.

Rinsford, that sounds like a wonderful, happy day - simple and yet all we really need. Thank you for sharing it.

Hi, Rinsford! How are things going?

Quote from: Pema on February 11, 2026, 07:35:34 PMHi, Rinsford! How are things going?

Things are going.. south.

I just got finished a meeting for FBLA then my family had an urgent meeting. We are getting kicked out. We only have 60 days, no car, only two people working to keep "the roof" above nine people's head. I need to step away for a moment to search for houses or a job to help.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your family. Check back in with us when you can, but no pressure. We're thinking of you, friend.

Love,
Pema

   @Rinsford
Dear Rinsford:
I am wishing you and your family well as you all navigate your
situation with your living situation and finances.

You have my prayers and thoughts with you as you look for housing and
a job so that you can help.

Please keep us updated with your postings on your Blog Thread and various
other threads on the Forum.

My Hugs, Prayers, and positive thoughts,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Oh, Rinsford. That is a tough situation. I am so sorry that is happening.

As the others have said, do what you need to do to take care of yourself and help out where you can. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

We hope you will check in from time to time to let us know how it is going. We care.

This is such sad news and so unfair you are having to face this right now. Sending my love and keeping my fingers crossed that you all get to a stable situation again very soon xx

Hugs, Charlotte

I'm thinking of you, Rinsford. I hope you and your family are doing OK. If you have a chance, please let us know.

Love,
Pema