Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Today, I bought a turtleneck. It's a dark-grey, cable-knitted women's turtleneck.

I took it home, I wore it with some comfy loungewear pants, and I layered it with one of my wool cardigans. I tied up my hair into a messy bun, adjusted my bangs and glasses, and looked in the mirror.

I looked feminine and pretty.

Nice. Good. Okay.

That was it. I simply felt right as I drank my coffee and ate my toast, and there was no thought or conflict beyond that. In retrospect, it felt simply ideal. Congruence between the mind and body tends to feel underwhelming in a good way, which leads to the "gender is an ornament as opposed to a centerpiece in my life" sentiment I've shared before in a previous post.

However, something has felt wrong in a way that today I've finally been able to recognize and articulate.

Later in the evening, I saw a photograph of a beautiful woman, and it made me feel something I couldn't quite articulate up until now.

(https://files.catbox.moe/x1omq3.jpg)

Somatically speaking, the feeling was in my solar plexus, where emotions that feel emotionally deep, moving, and resonant often live. When I would see femininity, I would often feel deeply "moved." It was not ache, longing, incongruence, or envy (this is typically dysphoria). It was a feeling akin to seeing a beautiful piece of art. However, because it was so emotionally "moving," I often attributed it to gender envy.

To simplify it, it's a bit like this:

I perceive femininity -> I feel a feeling in my solar plexus akin to being deeply "moved" emotionally -> Needing certainty, I label it gender envy in order to make sense of the intensity.

The problem with that label is that I never questioned it. As such, it felt like a call to action in the sense that it must be resolved. Gender envy invites comparison, and comparison suggests a problem to the brain. A perceived lack in one's own self. The brain creates urgency to solve/resolve (a now non-existent problem for me), which thus makes the feeling distressful.

The most important thing I've learned from this is how to distinguish between the femininity I inhabit versus the femininity I view in others.

I often conflated the two, which then invited comparison.

"Am I really feminine enough?"

"Should I go on HRT to achieve these features despite me being already content?"

"Why do I not feel as feminine as she appears to be? If I feel urgency, this must mean something!"

What I've learned, though, upon comparing the feelings I felt from the turtleneck to that of the photograph is that I am already as feminine as I'd like to be. I already look pretty enough. I no longer feel envy, longing, or incongruence in my day-to-day life. I do not think about it all the time because I already live it. I only ever really feel "dysphoria" when I see feminine people and then assign the feelings they make me feel to a secondary meaning (gender envy).

So that begs the question, what exactly is that initial feeling? Again, it is like viewing a beautiful piece of art. An art piece, such as a beautiful musical piece that resonates and moves you, will make you feel "moved" if it is emotionally significant. However, when you hear beautiful music, you don't necessarily want to become the music?

I tested this logic. I looked at the photograph and asked myself as I felt that feeling, "If I could snap my fingers and automatically become her, would I?"

The answer was "no." Why?

Because I am already enough for myself.

I've found that viewing beauty does not necessitate any action on my part no matter how much it moves me. As emotionally resonant as it is, it does not say anything more about my identity than I already know. It is simply just... emotion. It lingers for as long as you give it importance and it is as urgent as you make it.

In the past, I longed for femininity deeply. That same photograph would have made me ruminate for days on end. It's perhaps what drove me to HRT in the first place and what deeply confused me after I stopped taking it. Now, I've discovered, acknowledged, integrated and cherish the femininity within my own self. The photograph now is simply just beautiful. I'll look, make breakfast, and do the dishes afterwards without any weight on my shoulders.

There is the powerful, striking beauty I feel from the world around me, and there is the quieter, comfier beauty I love and cherish within myself.

I prefer the latter.

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I recognize that everyone's experience of dysphoria and envy is vastly different. I don't say this as a means to generalize and project my experience onto others. Indeed, others feel severe dysphoria on a day-to-day basis that is beyond what I can imagine. My heart goes out to you if that is you; you are stronger than you know.

I write this more so for those who do feel that gender envy is a stronger driver in their lives. These are, of course, my own personal observations and what makes sense for me; I hope someone can find use of them. I believe I do have a natural inclination and affinity towards femininity, but it does not lie at the identity level. I believe, more so at the level of gender expression. I believe that even if "feminine" and "female" physically look the exact same, they can still be completely different things.

It's personally pertinent to me that I distinguish what gender envy is in my own personal experience, as it was a constant force in my life. As such, HRT was a constant fixation of mine despite internal uncertainty. (You wouldn't pay expensive tuition to go to Harvard if you didn't even know what you wanted to major in, right?). I find that if I ever decide to go on HRT again, it should feel just as natural as I felt putting on that turtleneck. "Nice. Good. Okay," as I promptly forget about it as I go do something equally as mundane.

Will that day come? We'll wait and see. For now though, I'll enjoy my turtleneck.

(https://files.catbox.moe/fil9xi.jpg)

This is wonderful. Thank you for sharing.

For me, I think the difference, as you described, is something that many members struggle with. They see a woman and think that they want to be her, or to become like her. Some of us have reached a point where we realize that if we become someone else, then we are not ourselves any longer.

I am comfortable with who I am. As you stated, seeing someone "more feminine" invites unneeded comparison, which leads to conflict. Would I love to have hair like hers? Of course I would. But then it would not be my hair. Would I love to have her youth and beauty? Of course I would. But that is not me. That is an image of someone else.

Again, thanks for sharing your perspective.

When I was much younger than I am today, I was in awe of feminine beauty and so envious.
Blueberry, your post deepened my understanding of those feelings. The yearning. The longing to have been born in a woman's body. Now, I see all women as beautiful. Regardless of whether they're cis or trans, straight or gay. I am so glad I've moved beyond seeing myself as a particular instance of femineity, but something far more generalized. Thanks.

I think for me I can't really determine if the gender envy I experience is separate from the generalized envy from which I suffer. Anything that I set my heart on, I undoubtedly compare to others and beat myself up when I don't achieve similarly high levels. I'm hoping I can eventually break this cycle and find peace as it's exhausting!

It's interesting to read these accounts of gender envy however as they provide some other avenues of exploration for myself.

Thank you for this, BP. I think it's a great investigation of what our minds will do with emotions if we allow them to go where they will.

Much of what you said reminded me of many Buddhist and Hindu writings and also Eckhart Tolle who says, "It's not your circumstances that make you unhappy. It's your thoughts that make you unhappy." We can have feelings and just feel them without deciding we have to change them. In fact, the urge to optimize our emotions so that they're all "positive" is ultimately a futile endeavor.

I also thought about the saying, "Don't compare your insides to others' outsides." How we feel inside and (how we feel about) how someone else looks (to us) on the outside are really, really different things. Saying, "I want to feel inside like that person looks outside" is kind of like saying "I want to sound like green."

Believe me, I've had all of those same experiences, and it's taken me decades to come to these understandings. I see a lot of what you wrote here as a recognition that those desires aren't particularly meaningful, especially when compared to inner peace derived from self-love.

On this:

Quote from: blueberry pastry on Yesterday at 07:07:47 AMThere is the powerful, striking beauty I feel from the world around me, and there is the quieter, comfier beauty I love and cherish within myself.

I prefer the latter.

I *might* understand what you mean, but I contend that they are both manifestations of One Beauty that exists in everything. I see the distinction between them as one of perspective that we are something separate from "the world." And I think that's an illusion.