Susan's Place Transgender Resources

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION. if this bothers you, DO NOT READ THIS!



I'm honestly at my wit's end.

I've been out for about 3 years now. Almost exactly. That's three years too many. I'm 16. I cannot believe it's been 3 years and its harder to believe that I have to wait 2 or 3 more. I feel like im breaking down. I've been suicidal for forever but this just hurts too bad to laugh off anymore. My family is muslim and very conservative and I cannot help but feel as if I'm a disappointment, disgrace, and that all this rebellion will get me nowhere in the end.

Even though I'm not quite a muslim in the traditional sense anymore (LaVeyan Satanist / luciferianist ish????) I feel like I'm just gonna end up in hell or whatever terrible things out there. God haunts my every action even though I know that logically, if there is a god and they are perfect, they will not harm me. I haven't worn a bra in a year and it hurts so damn bad. The only thing keeping me alive right now is my girlfriend but she's in so much pain too and I can't even help. I don't know why I'm writing this, other than as a footprint of sorts. I'm hurting so bad and I need it to stop but everyone around me is forcing this hurt down on me.

I need to be a girl. I can't accept this reality I'm faced with. I need some way out but everything just keeps getting worse and I can't take it. I've never been stable but now more than ever I feel like I'm losing my marbles.

I have so many people depending on me but a part of me just wants to let go. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be the one trying to save every suicidal drugged-up maniac that crosses my path. I just need to be the one being saved for once. I don't want to keep fighting, I need a break. I need it all to stop. Dysphoria is too much. I've had all my bras taken away and I don't pass at all.

feel free to remove this if you want. I couldn't care less. I'm sorry if this breaks any rules. Feel free to ban me or whatever you wanna do.

SeraphineLikesSludgeMetal

Thank you for sharing with us regarding your present life-issues involving your thoughts of self-harm. All of us on the Forum are very concerned for your well-being.
      NO, your postings are NOT going to be removed.
Rather, I am posting some important information for you to utilize as soon as possible.

Listed below are some contacts you can call or text so that you can receive immediate
support and counseling.  In addition, you can immediately contact your Therapist and
your Endo/doctor to receive local advice and/or medications if they deem it helpful or necessary.

  Trans Lifeline: Provides peer support and crisis intervention for
    transgender and non-binary people. Call: 1-877-565-8860 or
    Visit: https://translifeline.org/

  The Trevor Project: Provides crisis intervention and suicide prevention
    services for LGBTQ+ youth. Call: 1-866-488-7386 or visit:
    Visit: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

  The Trevor Project's resources for parents and allies:
    https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/article/friends-family-support-systems-for-lgbtq-youth/

  The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): Offers support and
    for people with mental health conditions, including LGBTQ+ individuals.
    Visit: https://www.nami.org/Home (https://www.nami.org/Home)

  * The Jed Foundation: Provides mental health resources and suicide prevention
    information for teens and young adults, including LGBTQ+ youth.
    Visit: https://jedfoundation.org/

SeraphineLikesSludgeMetal: Please know that Susan and I (and many other supportive members on the Forum) have been following your journey since you very recently registered here as a member.

Please keep us updated and let us know that you are OK.

If you have any questions please contact me or Susan, or any of our Moderation Staff for assistance.

WARMLY with Love and Concern,
Danielle Northern Star Girl]    Direct Email:  alaskandanielle@yahoo.com
The Forum Administrator
                @Susan  [The Susan's Place Founder and Website Administrator] 
cc: Moderation Staff
        @Devlyn
        @Jessica_Rose
        @Mariah 
        @Lori Dee
        @Sarah B

Seraphine,

We hear you. We understand the pain you are experiencing because we have been there. You need to discuss your feelings with a therapist, either in person, online, or via chat. Any time you feel this way, it is important that you talk to someone who understands what you are feeling. Call the numbers Danielle listed above. They understand because they have been there too.

Try to understand the cause of these feelings. From what you wrote, it appears that you are allowing the opinions of others to determine how you feel about yourself. Society does that to us, and we need to be strong to realize that who we are does not change just because someone else doesn't like it. You know who you are, and you know that they are wrong. So don't beat yourself up over it.

Yes, you have some time ahead of you before you can be on your own and live your life for you. But time passes very quickly when you focus on things you enjoy. I used to spend hours just listening to music or reading books. I was surprised at how fast time passed when I did that. Start working on things that you can control so that when you are out on your own, you will be ready for the next steps.

Harming yourself does not accomplish anything, and it creates a mess for others to deal with. Think about your gf and what you can do to help her. You can get through this. Many have done it before, so we know it is not impossible.

Hang in there. You've got this.

I'm going to speak from the heart. It might make sense,  it might not. Please take anything you can from it that might help. I can't sugar coat it as life does suck sometimes. But potential and what could be is alluring!

I can really feel that you know exactly who you want to be, have it all very mapped out, but life is telling you otherwise. I really feel that desire from you, but you're unfortunately at an age where you lack autonomy to be the you that you desire. This changes. You can build independence, but it can be slow.

All I can say to help is that life changes and you will for certain present as and be whoever you desire. Don't let this world stop your dream, that future you, that in the timescale of life is so very close. The pain is hard for sure, but whenever I feel like ending it I look inwards and see a beatiful woman yet to be the best she can. How could I hurt that opportunity..hurt her? Maybe inside you, you can see who you want to be, who you can be one day. That's just so got to happen. I bet you want to see this and so do I. You'll be amazing. You're one of us.

Life will definitely slow you down. It'll definitely throw everything at you. But bit by tiny bit you can fend this off. Find ways. You're clever I bet. Find little ways to win. I know you wanna be further forwards, but that'll take time. But it will happen.

Of course others in your life matter, but so do you matter. The people that love you will want you to be happy, so you're important. Please do what's right for you. Others will either fall in place or you'll part and be your own person with inner strength.

I can't speak much for religion as I don't believe myself in faith as it's portrayed formally. This is my view in the hope it may help, but i appreciate and respect those differing beliefs that are yours and others. I believe that the higher power, whatever their form,  would want harmony not conflict. Would value sincerity. Would judge only on your kindness and constructiveness. I can't imagine this being a test as to if you fit very specific criteria. That's human stuff. I believe in a judgement based on your heart and soul. I think you'll be ok.

Sending you strength and love.

Charlotte

Dear Seraphine,

It will get better. It really will. Being 16 can be hell for anyone, irrespective of their gender identity. Add being transgender, and it's just that much harder. Please hang in there. There *is* light at the other end. You just need to reach a point in your life where you have the autonomy to choose how to live your life.

You said this:

Quote from: SeraphineLikesSludgeMetal on Yesterday at 02:23:32 PMI don't want to be the one trying to save every suicidal drugged-up maniac that crosses my path. I just need to be the one being saved for once.

You can't save everyone. Nobody can. It just isn't possible. And telling yourself that you should may only make things harder for you. I completely understand that it can feel callous or uncaring not to try, but you really have to prioritize yourself. We can only help others if we're in a place of stability and strength ourselves - and even then, we don't have control over what they choose.

Try to find ways to quiet your mind and calm your body. Focus on your breathing and be in your body instead of in your head in another time or place. Right here, right now. You're OK. Time will pass, and circumstances will evolve. You will be OK.

We've all been there. We can get through it.

We're here for you.

Love,
Pema

Seraphine, You are going though a lot and at 16 years old too, your emotions are all of the place at that age.

Suicide should never be viewed as a way out. No matter how much despair you are feeling or how hard the road ahead may seem there is always a way though. Don't give up on life, you can have a bright future. It may be tricky right now if you don't have people around you who support you but you will soon be able to set out on your own and choose your own destiny. The best things are yet to come!

If you are contemplating it then I urge you to seek professional help. Danielle has posted some excellent links for you to consider. Do not be afraid to ask for help. You don't have to deal with this on your own and speaking as someone who had recent mental ilness I can assure you it does help.

There is so much advice and help out there these days compared to when I was growing up, you are lucky to be living in these times. Take some time to read some of the excellent personal stories on here and take heart, we have all had similar feelings at times in our lives.

As for having your bras thrown out. Bras do not maketh the woman, it's who you are inside and nobody can take that away from you. You will have plenty of opportunity to explore feminimity as you grow older.

Seraphine,

I'm Susan, the founder here.

First, I need you to hear this clearly: you are not in trouble, you are not getting banned, and your post is not being removed. You reached out because you're in real pain, and I'm very glad you did. You belong here.

What you wrote is suicidal crisis-level distress. When someone is at that point, the priority is not "being strong" or "pushing through" alone. The priority is getting you supported in real time, right now, by someone trained to help you through the next hour and the next night.

If you are in immediate danger of harming yourself, please call emergency services right now (911 in the United States), or go to the nearest emergency room. If calling isn't safe or private where you are—if you can't make a phone call without your family hearing—step outside, go into a bathroom, lock a door, or find any place you can be alone for a few minutes. You can reach out by text instead of calling.

You can contact The Trevor Project (crisis support for LGBTQ youth) by calling 1-866-488-7386 or texting START to 678-678. You can also contact Trans Lifeline at 1-877-565-8860. Danielle posted these as well, and I want to repeat them because they matter: you do not have to carry this by yourself tonight.

You said, "I just need to be the one being saved for once." Yes. You're 16. You have been trying to survive a situation that would crush most people—family pressure, dysphoria, fear, isolation, and the feeling that you have to be the one holding everyone else together. That is not a personal failure. That is too much weight.

I also want to speak directly to the shame you described. You are not a disappointment. You are not a disgrace. You are a girl who has been forced into pain you did not choose. When you're trapped in a home that won't affirm you, it can make your mind feel like it's "breaking" or "losing it." That is often what prolonged stress and fear do to a person. It doesn't mean you're beyond help. It means you need support and safety.

About God and hell: I'm not here to argue your beliefs or tell you what to believe. I just want to name what I'm hearing—fear being used as a weapon against you, even inside your own head. Whatever you believe about the universe, you are not "evil" for needing to live as yourself. A truly just and good higher power would not demand you suffer or die to prove worthiness. You are not condemned for being who you are.

And the bras being taken, and not being able to present how you need to: I hear how acute and physical that pain can become, day after day. Please don't minimize that. Dysphoria can be relentless, and when people around you are actively blocking small forms of relief, it can feel like you're being cornered with no way out. That feeling is real—and it's exactly why you need outside support right now, not later.

Seraphine, please check in with us as soon as you can and tell us one thing: are you safe right now? Even a short reply is enough. If you can't reply, that's okay—please reach out to Trevor or Trans Lifeline, or emergency services if you're at risk. We want you alive, and we want you to make it to the part of your life where you get to breathe and build a future that fits you.

You are not alone. You are not disposable. You are not beyond saving.

With love,
— Susan 💜

still alive, i think. thanks to all who responded im just ina really bad place right now

ig i'll update later

gn, sleep tight, dont let the turnstile fans bite

Hang in there, Seraphine. Sweet dreams.

cc:  @Susan  @Lori Dee  @Charlotte_Ringwood  @Pema  @Stottie Girl

@SeraphineLikesSludgeMetal
Dear Seraphine:
Thank you for checking in and letting all of us know that you are safe.

  Please keep posting on the Forum so that we all know that you are OK.
        Thank you again for checking in.
       ❤️
Many HUGS:
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  The Forum Admin

Quote from: SeraphineLikesSludgeMetal on Yesterday at 09:39:05 PMstill alive, i think.thanks to all who responded im just ina really bad place right now

ig i'll update later

gn, sleep tight, dont let the turnstile fans bite