Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I just read something that makde me think. I have lost something in my life. I absolutely love my wife and have a sense of relief when I'm with her. The rest of my life is just a sense of doing my job or the required chores around my house.
Then after a few years I started dressing again  I know wear panties daily, have colored toe nails and matte fingers.I have found something that gives me some joy. Will I transition? That is a question for later.
Thank you all for being here to listen to my rant

    @Dawn Kellie:
Dear Kellie:
First and foremost, you are NOT lost.  You are exploring your life choices and your future life endeavors.

Secondly, I do NOT read your posting as a RANT, but rather a brief summary of where you stand in your life
journey.

It is good to think about these things, and even better to write it out.  Writing down things like this
does a great job of cementing in your mind what you are thinking at the moment and therefore in you
quiet times your thoughts will be replayed in your mind frequently.

Please keep posting, keep sharing, and by all means, keep venting.  You certainly don't wish to disable
your "relief valve."

Along with your other readers and followers I will be eagerly following your future postings as you
feel comfortable sharing.
        ❤️
Many HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on February 07, 2026, 12:54:57 PMI just read something that makes me think. I have lost something in my life. I absolutely love my wife and have a sense of relief when I'm with her. The rest of my life is just a sense of doing my job or the required chores around my house.
Then after a few years I started dressing again  I know wear panties daily, have colored toe nails and matte fingers.I have found something that gives me some joy. Will I transition? That is a question for later.
Thank you all for being here to listen to my rant

Thank you

I would echo what Danielle said. It certainly doesn't come across as a rant.

Life is about exploration. It's not a race.

As a fellow newbie I'm finding this place to be cathartic and it has allowed me to explore myself in ways I didn't think about.

I've just realised I've only been a member since January 30th! Listen to me going on like I was a founding member!!

I have never posted on any message board before in my life but I'm finding this place to be somewhere where I feel I could share anything, share things I've never voiced out loud to anyone. It is frankly liberating to me.

I really think whatever is going on in your thoughts someone will be able to relate on here.

Thank you as well.
At times it feels i have no one to talk to. This site has been amazing. I appreciate all the kind words. Im getting teary eyed writing this.

Kellie, I was confused when I read your post, because it seemed to me like most of what you described was what you have gained. What was it that you lost? And do you miss it?

For my part, it appears that you're on a path to wholeness and authenticity, and I appreciate you sharing all of it with us - even the feelings of having lost something.

Love,
Pema

Not a rant.  Enjoy and share what you have. 

Transitioning is not for everyone for a variety of reasons.  There is no timetable except one that you may self impose.

Today is a rough day. My wife is upset with me. I originally said I would go to our country fair. As tue day went along I lost all interest in being around people. I had a really bad week where I got in to a yelling match with my boss. What I said was correct but the way I did it was out of line. I did apologize for the way but not for the words. I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel down, just loosing interest in things. I know I'm depressed I just don't know what to do. I just have this anguish.

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day, Kellie. Sometimes a good crying jag makes me feel much better.

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on February 08, 2026, 03:12:39 PMToday is a rough day. My wife is upset with me. I originally said I would go to our country fair. As tue day went along I lost all interest in being around people. I had a really bad week where I got in to a yelling match with my boss. What I said was correct but the way I did it was out of line. I did apologize for the way but not for the words. I feel like I'm letting people down. I feel down, just loosing interest in things. I know I'm depressed I just don't know what to do. I just have this anguish.

Hey Kellie, Those kind of weeks you basically feel like everything is closing in on you. It sounds like underneath you're very on edge and that's put you on a very short emotional fuse. Only takes one thing and this time was your boss to make you crack. Honestly it doesn't define you. Underneath you're trying to hold it together, but it's difficult. Just finding the energy to absorb all the stiff you normally do feels like a 10 tonne weight around your chest I bet.

You've let no one down in my book. I think getting to the core of your depression/anguish and finding a way forward is critical. I sit in a similar situation to you, having lost interest in life including hobbies. A therapist is helping for me, bit still ages from any big change. But it feels positive to be doing something.

Have you any ideas on how to tackle your feelings like seeking help? Plus does you wife know why you didn't want to go e.g. you're exhausted and broken inside? I'd hope anger to move into concern and compassion at this point.

Giving you love and hugs. Charlotte 😻

I'm sorry, Kellie. There are bound to be weeks like that, and they're always unwelcome when they come. It makes sense to me that you'd feel like having a day to yourself today. I'm sorry your wife isn't on-board with that respite.

It sounds like you need a more extended break to center yourself. Is there any chance you could take a micro-vacation, even just a long weekend and spend some time doing something relaxing that you love?

Unfortunately with my financial situation I can't take any time off. I have tomorrow then Thursday and Friday.  I will text my nails done Friday.so I will get some down time.
Thank you for your words

Still not feeling great today. I decided since I had to go out and get animal feed and med refills I would try something. I had to go out as a in male form. That doesn't mean I couldn't do something to make me feel good.
I took my shower and after rubbed my body down with a new lotion. moisturizer my face and put on my eye cream. Then I put on my new concealer. Put on a new pair of panties and a snug tank top under my male clothes. Topped it off with gold anklets and toe rings in my Torrid tennies. I looked male on the out side but under I'm enfem. not much but was nice.

  @Dawn Kellie
Dear Kelly:
One thing that you might condenser doing is when going out in male mode, you can try
wearing more androgynous clothing or even some carefully selected female clothes.

When I was in the middle of transitioning, when I went out in male mode I wore women's
jeans, many times lower rise skinny jeans, and wore a snug fitting top, sometimes not tucked in
if it was slightly cropped, much like "baby tees"
If I was concerned about my developing breasts being too apparent, I could wear an un-buttoned
or un-zipped Sweatshirt or Coat.
I also tried to find jeans that had a little shorter inseam that showed about 2 or 3 inches
of my leg and my ankle.  To finish that look I wore  no-show or very low cut socks.  I never
got any negative reaction at all.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on February 09, 2026, 11:31:36 AMStill not feeling great today. I decided since I had to go out and get animal feed and med refills I would try something. I had to go out as a in male form. That doesn't mean I couldn't do something to make me feel good.
I took my shower and after rubbed my body down with a new lotion. moisturizer my face and put on my eye cream. Then I put on my new concealer. Put on a new pair of panties and a snug tank top under my male clothes. Topped it off with gold anklets and toe rings in my Torrid tennies. I looked male on the out side but under I'm enfem. not much but was nice.

I have to be carful. My wife is a higher up in a faith based hospital in small town Florida. I can do some but have to be discrete. For going out at this point in time this is a lot. If we go to Tampa or Orlando I can do a lot more

I have found that when I have a few bourbon I feel better. I know on a base level this is bad. I think I need to reach out to a professional. There is some deep down issue. I will do that soon. For now I'm lost and my wife is my anchor. I need some help but am of the generation that means weakness. I have to swallow my pride and do it. What my future holds i don't know. Prayers are always welcome.

You can get through it and beyond to a new and better place, Kellie. There's a lot of shedding going on right now, and that's a good thing. This is a time for letting go of old patterns that no longer serve us. Feeling what you're feeling and asking for help is a great way to approach it. You've got this.

I just wish the hard times were over. I know later I'll look back and smile, but the now is hard

'Hard moments' seem to be the pattern of my life. Which makes me appreciate every smile, every kind word that comes my way. And every hug. This one is for you, Kellie🤗

I went through many dark periods. Even when on the outside everything seemed to be working for me, I still was not happy. (Details in The Story of Lori).

I finally decided to get into therapy to find out why. That led to many discoveries of things I never knew about myself, one of which was gender dysphoria!

A therapist won't give you the answers, but they can help you ask yourself the right questions. It is never a bad thing to look inward and try to understand who you are and why you feel the way you do.

I have been in therapy now since 2019 and don't plan to stop. Sometimes I don't have anything to discuss, so we just chat. I always feel better afterward. Give it a try.

Hello my friends.
Things have gotten a little better for me. Still in a bit of a funk. I'm going to be looking for another job, I don't know if I will find anything. I have some unique skills for where I live, and would.have to drive more than I'm interested for work.
I so appreciate a place like this and can get things out so I can read them and hear what I'm saying. Sometimes that's enough

Good luck with the job search, Kellie. I hope you find something you enjoy, and I hope the change makes a big difference in your life.

I love this site. I can put a comment out and get nothing than love

I love this site. I can put out my dark thoughts and get nothing but love

Hey Kellie, we love having you here too. We all face difficulties and I'm very sure we all want to be kind and help as much as we'd wish to be helped in our own time of need.

We are stronger together as one. Love always to all.

Charlotte 😻

Thanks Charlotte

Quote from: Charlotte_Ringwood on February 12, 2026, 04:18:32 PMHey Kellie, we love having you here too. We all face difficulties and I'm very sure we all want to be kind and help as much as we'd wish to be helped in our own time of need.

We are stronger together as one. Love always to all.

Charlotte 😻

I second all of this.

There needs to be more love in this world.

Always. 

I prefer Scotch, Kellie. Otherwise, you're telling my story (sans wife).

A few days ago, the strongest woman I've ever known told me she was broken. Sometimes, I think we all are. I know I am. That's why I self medicate. But part of me insists it doesn't need to be this way. I pray that part of me is right. And I pray even harder I give her the chance to prove it. Even if today isn't that day. Massive hugs.

Sometimes self medication is the best way to get through the day.
After getting  a lipoma removed it's better than any pain.
My daughters says it's not good.  I suspect they're right. I will get some help.  I may even look into HRR. I'm not sure yet.

Things have been better. I may be getting over my funk. I still feel like I've wasted some time in my life
I don't feel like self harm. I do feel like I'm not needed. Just rambling
I feel the love here and it keeps something anchored in me

@Northern Star Girl.
Thank you for being a friend

I'm getting out of my funk. Though my latest hiccup is my wife is out of state. The only plus is I have a new outfit show up by tomorrow. My first heels.
My next time around I hope I'm born rich and not just good looking. 🤣
Ok, I may not be either, but a girl can hope.

Hi all
Things have been unusual. I have a lot of stress.when that happens i dress more. I don't consider that bad. I have to travel across country next week, my wife has a workmanship comp claim for long covid she got due to her occupation. I so don't want to do this but, my wife is my best friend and will do anything for her.
I'm really frustrated at work, and want to find a different job. In this area there isn't a lot of openings for my specialty. I feel trapped. We have some problems with the IRS and they are relentless. So, I have to keep my income level.
Again I'm venting and feel better just saying things out loud,  or typed out.

Hi Kellie, I don't know how you did it but you are in my head.

I am having almost the exact same issues as you.

My beautiful wife is slowly accepting the slow changes in my appearance and we have been discussing crossdressing, non binary and trans and what it all means.

She doesn't really get it and can't separate it from sexuality.

That's ok, we'll get there.

I now wear womens jeans, tees, underwear, increasingly more feminine earrings (I really love my earrings) , my toenails are always glossy red, fingernails growing out and glossy. 

I wear tinted sunscreen to cover facial blemishes.

I have no body hair below my eyebrows

I have been growing my hair out and our hairdressing backed me up today by saying if you want to have it longer then don't trim it.

Thankfully my wife gave in. I guess I'm lucky to still have hair at my age.

I still look male and I probably always will, but at least I can look in the mirror now.

I'm still depressed, full of wishes but I have a beautiful wife who puts up with someone like me

I couldn't do anything with out my wife. Even with my sexual dysfunction she is standing beside me.
@Petunia Im so happy to have someone that understands. Im always here if you need to chat.

Thank you Kellie.
I'm currently talking to a therapist but not about gender issues, rather depression and ptsd.

I have hinted at body dysphoria and when I was pressed on that I asked to park it until later.

I have been warned I need to do something about self medicating.

Since I first wrote my introduction my wife voiced her concerns about me crossdressing. She didn't want me going out dressed but she said she didn't care if I did it at home.

I really have to thank all the ladies here who told me to slow down and make sure I get my wife up to speed with what I'm going through.

At the moment I am a crossdresser at home who does wear womens simple clothes which are pretty much indistinguishable from mens unless you look hard.

The lengthing hair, jewelery, length of nails may hint at something more.

I do crave more to make me feel more feminine. My hairdresser looked at a dye for my hair but decided against it.  I'd like to wax my brows and tint my lashes and I've come close but chickened out.
I am also thinking of electrolysis for facial hair, laser light therapy to lessen red pigment on my face and I want my busted nose straightened.

As far a hormones go, from some of the accounts I've heard I have similar feelings of disconnection from the world as many transgender women have reported and I always thought that men wondered what it is like to be female.

I don't think I'd ever have bottom surgery, tucking isn't an issue for me as I have less than an inch when flaccid and although I'm circumcised you would not know it to see it.

Breasts would be nice but not essential. I would love a waistline and hips though.

I don't know where I'll end up but when I add up all the above......

Well Petunia
You have a plan. Don't feel like every step needs to be done at once.  Im trying to come to terms with starting therapy. So, I give you props for that. I don't know what my plan is yet. I enjoy wearing clothes and makeup. I would like breasts, and I still like what I have under the belt. Even though I think I'm having some ED issues. 
Please keep in touch. It sounds like our journeys are similar

I'm not sure I have a plan Kellie. I'm just trying to add up all the pieces to see where I'm heading.

I'm really scared of the path ahead.  I only resumed crossdressing 8 months ago and found it doesn't have the fetishistic urges it used to.

I have tried wearing makeup at home but I look like a sad clown. I've destroyed my skin through years of willful neglect, perhaps even sabotage.

There is no way I can pass and I'm frightened of seeing someone I know in public.

So although the the past seems to push me on a certain path forward, I don't knoe if I can take it.

I'm having ok days followef by really bad days. It's like my feet are stuck in thick mud.

Remember little girls get years to practice with makeup. Mothers and others helping. It's not easy. It takes time to get your look. I went and got color matched at a department store. It was an amazing feeling. The gal behind the counter didn't even bat an eye. I did this all on my own. It took me a couple tries. You got this i have faith in you

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 07, 2026, 02:47:42 PMRemember little girls get years to practice with makeup. Mothers and others helping. It's not easy. It takes time to get your look. I went and got color matched at a department store. It was an amazing feeling. The gal behind the counter didn't even bat an eye. I did this all on my own. It took me a couple tries. You got this i have faith in you

This is so true.

I honestly think we all look like clowns when we first start trying makeup. Make up is a learned skill, you aren't born with it. It's art. My best advice is to watch Youtube videos offering tips and techniques for women your own age, with similar facial features and skin tone preferably.

Also, try sitting down at a pavement or mall cafe and observe women your own age (carefull not to stare though!) apart from the odd exception who seem to love rocking the clown look you will find that less is usually more. There's a lot to learn and it takes lots of practise. Take selfies each time you do it, it can provide a good reference point and shows how your style is evolving and it's bloody funny looking back at your early attempts!

Theres also a difference between everyday makeup and getting ready for a night on the tiles.

Your style never really stops evolving as fashions change and styles vary with age

It's a learning process, express yourself and have fun!

As of this moment in time I use concealer over my moisturizer and wrinkles cream. Im moving towards full foundation and eye makeup.
Any changes should br gradual, unless you feel the need to say "the heck with it" and do it all at once.Im no where near that point myself. Small steps get use 5o the person in the mirror looking back. Then the next step and so. Until you're the person you want to be

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 07, 2026, 03:18:30 PMAs of this moment in time I use concealer over my moisturizer and wrinkles cream. Im moving towards full foundation and eye makeup.
Any changes should br gradual, unless you feel the need to say "the heck with it" and do it all at once.Im no where near that point myself. Small steps get use 5o the person in the mirror looking back. Then the next step and so. Until you're the person you want to be

Yeah, concealer is miracle stuff, I couldn't be without it. I still haven't got away with foundation though. I always look a bit freaky and I'm not sure quite why. I have matching foundation and concealer, the concealer looks perfect but the foundation looks weird. It's the texture not the colour I think.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 07, 2026, 03:25:33 PMYeah, concealer is miracle stuff, I couldn't be without it. I still haven't got away with foundation though. I always look a bit freaky and I'm not sure quite why. I have matching foundation and concealer, the concealer looks perfect but the foundation looks weird. It's the texture not the colour I think.

The great lady that did my color, told me to not use your fingers. Use a sponge because your fingers cause streaking.
If that helps

I use a foundation brush rather than my fingers. Blending isn't the problem it just looks like I'm wearing a mask, too dry maybe? Something to do with the texture anyway. I'm not entirely sure I need it and it's a right mess to remove.

Im going with liquid foundation. It looks easier to blend

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 07, 2026, 03:48:45 PMIm going with liquid foundation. It looks easier to blend

I've heard a few people mention this, I haven't seen foundation that wasn't liquid, I thought it all was? Is the other stuff a cream?

I thought there was a powder foundation. I could be wrong, just started my makeup journey

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 07, 2026, 04:05:00 PMI've heard a few people mention this, I haven't seen foundation that wasn't liquid, I thought it all was? Is the other stuff a cream?

I just googled it. There is liquid, powder and matte. Beside liquid and powder I'm not sure of all the differences

hmmmm, more research required!

I haven't done it yet but a make over is on my list. Still need to lose the facial hair.

I used to be quite reasonable with makeup. I even did my wifes a few times.

Using a primer before concealer and foundation is also a good idea.
 
The problem for me isn't wrinkles it's crevasses, severely hooded and creased eyes, busted nose and facial scars from skin cancer.

Oh, and the beard has to go of course

I know I sound like an old complainer and I'm really sorry for that.

Go get a make over. If you need to go to a town or two over. You won't be the first crossdresser they've seen. As long as you make a couple purchases they will be happy.  At my local Ulta there is a crossdresser that I want to do mune. After , like yoy, I shave the face hair. My wife is still not letting me shave.
Remember small steps

Hi Kellie, I'm sorry for stealing your thread. Typical me, see something that sounds familiar and run with it.

You are so right.  I need to go and have a makeover before I think about anything else.

I did a lot of reading recently and found my young experiences had much in common with trans women. 

Stupidly I haven't gone through all the consequences of this.

I really focussed in on the clarity that many have felt being on estrogen and I really crave that, but that diesn't mean I'll be lucky enough to experience it.

Really, I still don't know if I'm cd, enbee, or tg and until I discuss this with a psychologist I can really do much more.

For now I'm cd and just accept that part of myself.

I am spending way too much time obsessing over this and just keep living.

I will keep following your journey with interest.

You stole nothing. We are in a similar journey. Im here to listen. Keep posting here and this can be our string. Friends help each other.  We can lift up each other cheer our success or cry together. What ever is most appropriate. 
This is now our thread

Thank you so much Kellie,

My mind is swinging from side to side.   

My wife asked me a simple question.  Why did you start crossdressing again?  Why now?

I have a pandora's box which I peaked into and I think I can't close it.

I read the gender dysphoria bible and it blew my mind.
I am a stereotype according to what I have read.
I didn't sign up to this and I never thought in a million years that I'd be in the position I am now.

I have moments of euphoria, and thoughts that perhaps hrt may give stop the dissocistion I have had all my life.

I can't thank everyone here enough for just listening and Kellie, I give you my love

Im not firmiliar the gender dysphoria Bible. I need to check it out.
I have to be mostly male this week. My wife and I are on a trip to California and I got to see my parents. U haven't seen them in 3 years.  I still wore panties 🤪.

@Petunia thank you. Im here to listen and support.

@Petunia
How has your week been?

Im off tomorrow. Yea.
I've been thinking about going to HR and tell them I'm going to be transitioning.
Still just a thought

Im very nervous about it.
Does anyone have advice?

Without knowing the situation, it is difficult to say. How is the company as a whole? What are the company policies that could affect you?

You could handle it by asking for information rather than making a blunt announcement. Perhaps you don't know the answers and are going to HR to ask about company policies, insurance coverage, etc. That way, you haven't committed by saying "I am"; instead, you are asking how this affects someone who is considering transition.

Hope this helps.

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 16, 2026, 08:12:49 PMIm off tomorrow. Yea.
I've been thinking about going to HR and tell them I'm going to be transitioning.
Still just a thought

If it is benefits coverage information you want: 
You can examine insurance plan documents for medical coverage limitations and exclusions.
Sometimes these are postal mailed, emailed, or online.  Check your insurance provider's Web site or employer's benefit site too.

You can do this without stating you are transitioning, of course.

Hi Kellie, thanks for asking how I am.
I've been up and down but since the weekend mostly up.

My wife and I had a weekend away with a couple of close friends which was great.

At one point I was alone with one of the friends and she confided some of her closely held secrets.

We both had quite a bit of alcohol and I showed her my bright red toenails and went on to out myself to her.

She was fantastic about it.

However, now that we are home, I discussed what happened with my wife and she was livid.  I had agreed never to show myself or tell anyone we know.

I know I messed up but the friend is very close to both of us.  I texted her and asked if she had told her partner and she hadn't and she said she wouldn't betray my confidence.

I've tried to explain to my wife that the relationship I have with our friend isn't the same as my wifes with her.

Anyway, my wife still isn't happy but you can't go backwards and she is consolled that it is only one person.

And I'm quite ecstatic I have a girlfriend who won't judge me.

  @Petunia
Dear Petunia:

Thank you for sharing.

Having a girlfriend that won't judge you is a great step forward in your journey, however,
I hope that the situation with your wife is NOT a difficult one to handle.

Frankly, in my opinion, your wife seems to be more accepting of you and your transition
plans than many marriage partners would be  . . . Be sure to count your blessings in that
regard and continue progressing at at rate that will work for both of you while being
sensitive to what she might be feeling about the change in how you and your relationship
is changing.

I am rooting for success and happiness in you and your wife's lives and relationship.

Your readers and avid followers including me will be eagerly looking for your updates as
you feel comfortable to continue sharing.
          ❤️❤️❤️
Hugs, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Kellie, I want to circle back to something you said earlier, because it deserves more than a passing mention. You talked about reaching out for help feeling like weakness — something baked into you by your generation. I hear that. A lot of us got that message wired in early and never questioned it.

But look at what you've actually been doing in this thread. Over these past several weeks you've been raw and honest about your depression, the bourbon, feeling trapped at work, pulling away from people. You've put all of that out here in front of us. That's not weakness, Kellie. That's the opposite of weakness, and I don't think you see it yet.

When you're ready to talk to a professional, try reframing what that step actually is. It isn't admitting defeat. It's hiring a specialist. You wouldn't rewire your own house without an electrician, and a good therapist is just someone with tools you were never given access to. There's no shame in that — there's strategy in it.

On the HR question — Lori and Chrissy gave you solid practical advice. The only thing I'd add is this: you don't have to walk in with an announcement. You can walk in with questions. Something like, "I'm exploring some things personally and I wanted to understand what protections and coverage exist here." That gives you information and keeps you in control of the timing and what you share. Knowledge is power, and you get to decide what to do with it.

---

Petunia, what I'm hearing underneath the conflict with your wife is fear. She set a boundary, it got crossed, and that shook her sense of safety during something that already feels uncertain for her. That's real and it deserves to be honored.

At the same time, what you found with your friend — acceptance without judgment — that's real too, and you needed it. Both things are true. But your wife is the one who needs your attention right now.

Trust that's been shaken doesn't come back through explanations or reassurances. It comes back through consistent behavior over time. That means no more surprises. If you and your wife agreed on a boundary, the path forward is honoring it — not because she's being unreasonable, but because keeping your word is how she knows she's safe with you. Every time you do what you said you'd do, that's a deposit back into the trust account.

Let her set the pace on who knows and when. I know that's hard when you're bursting with something this big and you finally found someone who accepts you. But your wife didn't get to choose the timing of that disclosure, and that's part of what stung. Going forward, make those decisions together. Ask her before you share, not after. That one shift — from asking forgiveness to asking permission — tells her she's your partner in this, not someone you're managing around.

Be honest with her about why it happened. Not defensive, not justifying — just honest. Something like, "I was carrying this alone and in that moment I needed someone to see me. I should have talked to you first. I'm sorry, and I won't do that again." That kind of vulnerability, without excuses attached, is what actually rebuilds things.

You mentioned you're in therapy but parking the gender stuff. When you're ready to unpark it, that's where real clarity is going to come from.

And when you do, consider whether couples therapy might be worth exploring too — not because your marriage is broken, but because you're both navigating something neither of you was prepared for, and having a guide for that conversation could make all the difference.

No rush on any of it. But don't park it forever.

Sending love both you and Kellie!
— Susan 💜

@Susan
Thank you for the guidance and kind words. It helps to have people that listen with no judgment, and advice with love

I went ahead and made an appointment for a therapist. She has a specialty in trans health. Also anxiety and depression. It's on the 30th.
I've never spoken to a therapist I'm excited and nervous

The first time is always awkward. Just be yourself. You are going to meet a new friend.

You will talk about routine stuff and get to know each other. They will likely let you know what they can/can't do, and what they will/won't do, so you have a clear understanding of how your visits will go.

From there, it is up to you to tell them about what you are working on. They may ask questions to clarify what you mean, and then you go from there.

The best part is they don't do electroshock therapy anymore. You get that from the electrolysis technician.

🤣

Congratulations, Kellie. This is a very important step in prioritizing yourself and your well-being. As much as you want to be there and to be strong for the people you love, you can't do that effectively without being whole yourself. A good therapist can help you sort out what's truly meaningful and essential for you to do that.

Just ease yourself gently into it. Develop a rapport with the therapist and let things flow naturally.

I'm so proud of you.

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 18, 2026, 04:13:32 PMI went ahead and made an appointment for a therapist. She has a specialty in trans health. Also anxiety and depression. It's on the 30th.
I've never spoken to a therapist I'm excited and nervous

Well done Kellie. A therapist will help you sort through your feelings and hopefully arrive at a conclusion that is right for you.

Just remember as embarrassing and scary as it is, they will have heard it all before and it is important to open up to them and not hold anything back.

    @Dawn Kellie
Dear Kellie:
Being "excited and "nervous" regarding your upcoming Therapist appointment is the most likely reaction that most people would experience.

The "key" thing that will help your therapist "dig-in" to provide you with help and a plan of action that you need is to be very open with your feelings, thoughts and goals.
Therapists do have ways to dig for that information, however if you bury your pride and be brutally honest about what is going on in your life and your relationship with your wife you will get the best benefit from your therapist appointments.

I am wishing you success as you continue in your journey.
Please keep me and the rest of your avid followers and readers updated as you feel comfortable sharing.
    ❤️
HUGS, Danielle
[Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 18, 2026, 04:13:32 PMI went ahead and made an appointment for a therapist. She has a specialty in trans health. Also anxiety and depression. It's on the 30th.
I've never spoken to a therapist I'm excited and nervous

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 18, 2026, 04:37:15 PMThe first time is always awkward. Just be yourself. You are going to meet a new friend.

You will talk about routine stuff and get to know each other. They will likely let you know what they can/can't do, and what they will/won't do, so you have a clear understanding of how your visits will go.

From there, it is up to you to tell them about what you are working on. They may ask questions to clarify what you mean, and then you go from there.

The best part is they don't do electroshock therapy anymore. You get that from the electrolysis technician.

🤣

I get electroshock at work. Im an electrician. I could probably give them pointers. I've absorbed a lot of voltage

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 18, 2026, 05:14:08 PMI get electroshock at work. Im an electrician. I could probably give them pointers. I've absorbed a lot of voltage

I've had a fair few of those in my time Kellie, lost count in fact! They say a mild shock is good for you but it certainly doesn't feel like it ha ha!

I've been hit by industrial voltages. Made me real mad.i was going through a rough patch. Didn't see a Dr, I should have. I did the math once came out to be enough to run 20 houses. Boy that hurt

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 18, 2026, 05:25:20 PMI've been hit by industrial voltages. Made me real mad.i was going through a rough patch. Didn't see a Dr, I should have. I did the math once came out to be enough to run 20 houses. Boy that hurt

ooof. Only 240 volts for me. You know you've been shocked but it's not too bad. Industrial could kill you couldn't it?

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 18, 2026, 05:14:08 PMI get electroshock at work. Im an electrician. I could probably give them pointers. I've absorbed a lot of voltage

IBEW Local 364, Rockford, IL, for many years. I also taught the First-Year Apprentices Basic Electrical Theory. I got a "charge" out of it.

😁

IBEW 784 Sacramento ca north
IBEW 340 Modesto Ca.

I've taught 5th year.
It was shocking what these kids knew

Quote from: Stottie Girl on March 18, 2026, 05:46:02 PMooof. Only 240 volts for me. You know you've been shocked but it's not too bad. Industrial could kill you couldn't it?

It could kill you and hurt the entire time

Quote from: Lori Dee on March 18, 2026, 06:19:05 PMIBEW Local 364, Rockford, IL, for many years. I also taught the First-Year Apprentices Basic Electrical Theory. I got a "charge" out of it.

😁

I am sure the class material was well grounded (in theory).

So there is an open circuit, a closed circuit, and a short circuit.  But no tall circuit.

Seems so unfair. 

@Dawn Kellie  cc:  @Lori Dee  @Stottie Girl

Dear Kellie:
I am told that it is not the voltage that kills you, it is the current
or amperage that does the damage.
The voltage has to be high enough to conquer the resistance of your body...
...perhaps somewhere near 50 volts???
Resistance: Wet skin has lower resistance, allowing higher amperage to flow, even at lower voltages
                and also additional body contacts with wet surfaces or grounded water pipes can be deadly.

Amperage kills, Voltage doesn't kill...
...Example: a shock from a spark plug wire, or static electricity does not often have enough
  current to kill but the high voltage easily overcomes body and surface contact resistance thus
  you feel a shock.

Current does the damage due to heating in extreme cases or disrupting the small signals controlling the nervous
Q: Do amps or volts kill people?
Q: What is deadlier, voltage or current?

Q: Which current is dangerous for human body, AC or DC?
A: AC current
AC current is more dangerous than DC current because it directly affects our heart as the
frequency of AC current interferes with the frequency of the electric pulses of the heart.

    AI Overview
Amperage levels of
100 to 2,000 milliamperes (0.1 to 2 amps) are likely to cause severe nerve damage, in
addition to causing involuntary muscle contractions and ventricular fibrillation (irregular,
non-effective heart pumping).
While 10–16 mA is considered the "let-go" range where muscular control is lost, higher
currents specifically damage nervous tissue.

Breakdown of Amperage Effects:
    6–16 mA: Painful shock, loss of muscular control ("freezing" current).
    17–99 mA: Extreme pain, respiratory arrest, and sustained muscular contractions.
    100–2,000 mA (0.1–2 amps): High risk of ventricular fibrillation, serious nerve damage, and probable death.
    >2,000 mA (2+ amps): Cardiac arrest, severe burns, and significant internal organ damage.

Key Factors:
    Duration: The longer the shock, the greater the damage.
    Path: A current traveling through the heart or brain is most dangerous.

Even small currents can be harmful, but significant long-term nervous system injuries often occur at 100 mA or higher.

Be careful out there...
      ❤️
HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 18, 2026, 05:25:20 PMI've been hit by industrial voltages. Made me real mad.i was going through a rough patch. Didn't see a Dr, I should have. I did the math once came out to be enough to run 20 houses. Boy that hurt

Susan, thank you so much for the support and advice.

I know you are correct in all you have said.

I went to therapy yesterday and I have to say my outlook has been more positive than I've been in a long time.

I mentioned tge conflict with my wife and the therapist asked if I want to elaborate.
I told her we'll come to that issue later on and we need to deal with other problems I'm having.

Her reply was these other things always come out eventually.

She works a lot with gay and trans people. I'm pretty sure she can see how I present and probably suspects and she is waiting for me to broach the subject (if it is a concern)

The best therapists listen first, then ask questions to help you understand what you said. They may reframe it so you can see it from different angles. They never tell you or give you answers. They help you come to your own conclusions. It sounds like you have a good one.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on March 18, 2026, 08:19:14 PM@Dawn Kellie  cc:  @Lori Dee  @Stottie Girl

Dear Kellie:
I am told that it is not the voltage that kills you, it is the current
or amperage that does the damage.
The voltage has to be high enough to conquer the resistance of your body...
...perhaps somewhere near 50 volts???
Resistance: Wet skin has lower resistance, allowing higher amperage to flow, even at lower voltages
                and also additional body contacts with wet surfaces or grounded water pipes can be deadly.

Amperage kills, Voltage doesn't kill...
...Example: a shock from a spark plug wire, or static electricity does not often have enough
  current to kill but the high voltage easily overcomes body and surface contact resistance thus
  you feel a shock.

Current does the damage due to heating in extreme cases or disrupting the small signals controlling the nervous
Q: Do amps or volts kill people?
Q: What is deadlier, voltage or current?

Q: Which current is dangerous for human body, AC or DC?
A: AC current
AC current is more dangerous than DC current because it directly affects our heart as the
frequency of AC current interferes with the frequency of the electric pulses of the heart.

    AI Overview
Amperage levels of
100 to 2,000 milliamperes (0.1 to 2 amps) are likely to cause severe nerve damage, in
addition to causing involuntary muscle contractions and ventricular fibrillation (irregular,
non-effective heart pumping).
While 10–16 mA is considered the "let-go" range where muscular control is lost, higher
currents specifically damage nervous tissue.

Breakdown of Amperage Effects:
    6–16 mA: Painful shock, loss of muscular control ("freezing" current).
    17–99 mA: Extreme pain, respiratory arrest, and sustained muscular contractions.
    100–2,000 mA (0.1–2 amps): High risk of ventricular fibrillation, serious nerve damage, and probable death.
    >2,000 mA (2+ amps): Cardiac arrest, severe burns, and significant internal organ damage.

Key Factors:
    Duration: The longer the shock, the greater the damage.
    Path: A current traveling through the heart or brain is most dangerous.

Even small currents can be harmful, but significant long-term nervous system injuries often occur at 100 mA or higher.

Be careful out there...
      ❤️
HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

At the risk of hijacking Kellie's thread I would say current is more likely to kill you but only if the voltage is high enough to allow the current to flow through you. Car batteries are an example of this with high current but low voltage. Very high voltage lines have enough voltage to allow current to jump throough the air and kill. in my case, domestic leccy in the uk is 240v with most ring circuits being the standard 32A rising to up to 50A for electric showers and cookers. It can kill but in most cases it just gives you a jolt.

Also AC current may be more harmful but it tends to throw you off the device. DC current can make your muscle clamp onto the source thus meaning a longer duration of shock needing someone to break the connection to release you. That's incredibly simplified but the bottom dollar is both current and voltage can be dangerous so try not to grab live wires!

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 18, 2026, 04:13:32 PMI went ahead and made an appointment for a therapist. She has a specialty in trans health. Also anxiety and depression. It's on the 30th.
I've never spoken to a therapist I'm excited and nervous

Kellie I also have been feeling "Excited and Nervous" about this journey. On the whole I'm taking the excitement part as a good sign that I'm going in the right direction.

I wish you well with your therapy.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on March 18, 2026, 08:19:14 PM@Dawn Kellie  cc:  @Lori Dee  @Stottie Girl

Dear Kellie:
I am told that it is not the voltage that kills you, it is the current
or amperage that does the damage.
The voltage has to be high enough to conquer the resistance of your body...
...perhaps somewhere near 50 volts???
Resistance: Wet skin has lower resistance, allowing higher amperage to flow, even at lower voltages
                and also additional body contacts with wet surfaces or grounded water pipes can be deadly.

Amperage kills, Voltage doesn't kill...
...Example: a shock from a spark plug wire, or static electricity does not often have enough
  current to kill but the high voltage easily overcomes body and surface contact resistance thus
  you feel a shock.

Current does the damage due to heating in extreme cases or disrupting the small signals controlling the nervous
Q: Do amps or volts kill people?
Q: What is deadlier, voltage or current?

Q: Which current is dangerous for human body, AC or DC?
A: AC current
AC current is more dangerous than DC current because it directly affects our heart as the
frequency of AC current interferes with the frequency of the electric pulses of the heart.

    AI Overview
Amperage levels of
100 to 2,000 milliamperes (0.1 to 2 amps) are likely to cause severe nerve damage, in
addition to causing involuntary muscle contractions and ventricular fibrillation (irregular,
non-effective heart pumping).
While 10–16 mA is considered the "let-go" range where muscular control is lost, higher
currents specifically damage nervous tissue.

Breakdown of Amperage Effects:
    6–16 mA: Painful shock, loss of muscular control ("freezing" current).
    17–99 mA: Extreme pain, respiratory arrest, and sustained muscular contractions.
    100–2,000 mA (0.1–2 amps): High risk of ventricular fibrillation, serious nerve damage, and probable death.
    >2,000 mA (2+ amps): Cardiac arrest, severe burns, and significant internal organ damage.

Key Factors:
    Duration: The longer the shock, the greater the damage.
    Path: A current traveling through the heart or brain is most dangerous.

Even small currents can be harmful, but significant long-term nervous system injuries often occur at 100 mA or higher.

Be careful out there...
      ❤️
HUGS,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

The best example I've heard when I was an apprentice
Voltage is the speed. Current is the force.
A feather do 50 mph is not going to do much to you if it hits you.
A car doing 1 mph is not going to do much to you if it hits you.
Take that car doing 50 mph that's going to do something to you

For thr first time in some time I feel this dark tunnel is becoming brighter. I just hope it's not a train.
Thank you all for kind words and support. This site makes things better.

I may have pushed my wife to far. I've been growing out my finger nails. Nothing crazy just a bit of length. I work with my hands and cant have them to long
  She looked down at my hands last night and told me it's time to trim them. Im going to do this step back a little and go forward slowly.  It was just a bit of a let down.

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 21, 2026, 04:24:06 PMI may have pushed my wife to far. I've been growing out my finger nails. Nothing crazy just a bit of length. I work with my hands and cant have them to long
  She looked down at my hands last night and told me it's time to trim them. Im going to do this step back a little and go forward slowly.  It was just a bit of a let down.

I do not let my nails get too long.  I guess I just am not careful and I snare them on clothing and things when they get too long.  So although they are not the model's fingernails, they can look very nice when trimmed, cuticles taken care of, and polished.  I like either the clear polish and I also favor the reds and pink shades.  I do not add glitter.  I gave up on the French nails or fake full nail sets, too much trouble and expense. 

Even manicures can be costly so I just do them up myself.  Sometimes they are just buffed with a polishing block, it is amazing how shiny they can be with just a four sided polishing block (there is a different "finishing grade" on each side.)  Sort of like the grit levels of sandpaper.  Do not use sandpaper on your nails.

I have them painted with a clear matte gel. I find the gel keeps them stronger.

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 21, 2026, 04:39:38 PMI have them painted with a clear matte gel. I find the gel keeps them stronger.

I have had a lot of split or broken nails over the years.

I've had some real bad breaks. My most recent slightly before I started getting my nails done. I got my finger between a bandsaw wheel and the blade. Split one side of the nail done about half way. Took me several months to get it back somewhat right then I split that same spot again recently

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 21, 2026, 04:24:06 PMI may have pushed my wife to far. I've been growing out my finger nails. Nothing crazy just a bit of length. I work with my hands and cant have them to long
  She looked down at my hands last night and told me it's time to trim them. Im going to do this step back a little and go forward slowly.  It was just a bit of a let down.

Sorry to hear that, Kellie.

What is her complaint about your nails? Sometimes spouses get used to the way you normally do things, and comment, "Time to trim your nails," or "Time to get a haircut," or something similar.

What if you just said, "I'm thinking about growing them out." Is she that opposed to it? Is this something you have discussed before?

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 21, 2026, 04:51:57 PMI've had some real bad breaks. My most recent slightly before I started getting my nails done. I got my finger between a bandsaw wheel and the blade. Split one side of the nail done about half way. Took me several months to get it back somewhat right then I split that same spot again recently

Ouch!

Yes
I used some colorful mediators.

I know my wife, my love, had asked me to trim my nails. I've decided to wait as long as possible. Rtlhimhs have been hectic so I can get away with this for a while and hope she lets it go. Probably not but maube.

It happened to me last week as well.

My nails weren't that long, just to long for a male.

And I have been using clear gloss on them, triple coated so they shine.

I trimmed them slightly which settled the peace.  They are still slightly too long and I will gloss them again next time I change my toenail polish

I got my first pair of ladies jeans. Today I wore them, a complete female outfit. not real feminine. Jeans, muscle shir ruched tennis and a lovely pair of cheeky panties. No makeup, id just look like rhe bearded lady
Want out and ran my errands. no side looks or rude comments

Congratulations and always nice to wear cute feminine clothes no matter how you present. Sounds like you enjoyed!

I enjoyed it very much. I felt very comfortable

Quote from: Dawn Kellie on March 23, 2026, 06:23:56 PMI enjoyed it very much. I felt very comfortable

It was the same for me, I went to a restaurant the day I got my first dress, for some reason I couldn't stop my self and didn't want to. I felt felt incredibly comfortable and normal, it was an amazing thing to experience. And I was pretty much a man in a dress at that point.