Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have been wearing a skirt everyday since i work from home. I find I don't want to leave my house because I would have to change clothes then change back when I get home. I haven't gotten my mail this week because of this. I don't know how to keep living a double life. I had tried to wear women's jeans and tops as a compromise. I think this switching back and forth is making my agoraphobia worse. Any tips for navigating this transitional phase? I feel trapped and I have to spend the next 1 1/2 years here to reach a financial point I can risk changing jobs so I can Move out of this city and state.

Yes, the double-life phase is hard.  It takes a lot of emotional energy, and, if you are out to anyone, then you have to keep track of who knows and who doesn't, and who might blab to whom.

If there is an LGBTQ+ support group anywhere nearby, it might help to join them, as it would be a safe place where you could be out to other people.  When I started, I'd take along a change of clothes, wearing drab for the trip and changing in a bathroom when I got there.

I'd like to tell you that it'll get better once you start coming out, but I see that US flag under your name, so I can't promise you that.  I hope you are able to make that move to a safer place.

When I was in my 20's and was dumber I would pack a bag of clothes and change in the car. I didn't know how unsafe I was being. I just new I needed to go out. I got caught by someone that knew my grandparents but I don't think they recognized me. It was dark and I was in full make up and a long dress. I looked like I just got back from an event. Nothing ever came from that but from that day forward I locked up Tammy and only let her out a few times a year. Now that I am in therapy I am trying to get back to that stupid 20 year old that was more brave but its hard knowing how far backwards we are going.


So I just rambled, sorry I have all this bottled up please ignore me my therapist cancelled my session yesterday so I am used to getting all this out once a week.

This is me currently me Tammy. I work from home a fair bit so am dressed feminine all the time but I have to don the boy clothes when I go out. You do kind of stop wanting to go out, I know exactly what you mean. I feel like dressing in boys clothes is now crossdressing! It is a pain in the behind to be fair but I can forsee an end to it so I make do.

I am the opposite... I only dress when going out, my days at home are spent in drab clothes because I am not out to my 96 year old dad who lives with me.  I am almost always underdressed in a bra and panties/pantyhose though.  It is exhausting and I always change in a gas station restroom.

I have to wear a bra under my male disguise so I have taken to makes sure I carry my phone or what ever in a way that I hide my breasts. I feel like such a fraud in both modes these days. I am just tired but I made a plan for the next 2 years and I need to stick to it. I just need to vent once in a while, I think my therapist is pissed at me because I'm not getting better faster.

Quote from: tammy753 on June 19, 2026, 09:56:27 AMI am just tired but I made a plan for the next 2 years and I need to stick to it. I just need to vent once in a while, I think my therapist is pissed at me because I'm not getting better faster.

The fact that you have a plan and know you need to stick to it is the first sign of success. As the saying goes, "Those who fail to plan, plan to fail." It is your plan, not your therapist's. No one gets to tell you how fast or slow you need to progress. There is no timeline, no mandatory requirement. You go as fast as you are ready, take a break when you need to, and stop at any time you feel comfortable doing so.

The back-and-forth switching is tough. I lived in an apartment building, so I had to pass neighbors and management to check my mail, take out the trash, or even go to my car. I don't wear dresses or skirts, except indoors when it is really hot out.

But when I started wearing women's jeans, no one noticed. I added women's tops, and no one noticed. I added jewelry and women's shoes, and no one said a thing. This built up my courage to just be out. I started wearing makeup. Just a little eyeliner and lipstick. One of my closest neighbors was waiting downstairs for a delivery, and I couldn't get past her without being seen. So I stopped and chatted for a moment. She asked if I was wearing lipstick. That's what she noticed. Not the clothes, not the jewelry, not the shoes, not the eyeliner. I told her I had an appointment to get to and we could talk later.

That led to coming out to my neighbors. I simply said yes, I am transgender, as if it wasn't a big deal. I could have said I was an auto mechanic and got the same reaction. If you don't make it a big deal, most others won't either. And how many people are going to see you up close, just going to get your mail? You think everyone is watching for you to open your door. The truth is, they are too busy watching TV or dealing with their own issues.

Relax. Be yourself. It is the most natural thing you can do. And when you act as if it is natural, others will sense that it really is. But still take it at your own pace, and safety first.

I do this, as well. Today, I'm working from home in women's shorts, women's underwear and a cami with shelf bra. I'll put a baggy shirt on if I have to leave the house. I'll leave my pink earrings in and make no effort to hide my long hair. No one seems to care.

I only wear women's jeans now. So I do what I can to wear affirming clothes and underthings so it makes going out in boy mode easier.

My Sister works across the street from where I live. I haven't talked to her in over a year but I am not ready to tell my brothers and nieces and nephews so I am worried about that too. I also kind of want them to figure it out to save me the conversation. My therapist keeps telling me she will get me to the point of not caring what other people think. I hope she is right.

Quote from: tammy753 on June 19, 2026, 11:26:13 AMI also kind of want them to figure it out to save me the conversation. My therapist keeps telling me she will get me to the point of not caring what other people think. I hope she is right.

Once people think they have figured it out, they will ask questions to confirm their suspicions. Just don't deny it. Your attitude should be like "Yeah, so what?" Your therapist will work with you to help you understand that the opinions of others do not matter. But the understanding comes from within you once you have accepted yourself for who you are.

When I came to that realization, I decided that I would no longer live my life according to the whims of others. It is my life, and no one can live it for me. Therefore, I get to decide how I want to live. If others are uncomfortable with that, that is their problem, not mine. My life goes on.

You will get there. It takes time. Be patient with yourself.

I agree with Lori. Please do try to be patient with yourself. Some of us need more time than others. I'm finally getting tired of hiding. I still hide a lot but I also do a lot of stuff I was unable to do just a few months ago.

Before I had the courage to come out of the closet I wore yoga pants almost exclusively, I never had an issue though as much as I don't see it myself apparently I pass so that likely helped.

I grew tired of it.  I just do it now when traveling out of town or for some very special reason.

Quote from: tammy753 on June 19, 2026, 07:32:54 AMI have been wearing a skirt everyday since i work from home. I find I don't want to leave my house because I would have to change clothes then change back when I get home. I haven't gotten my mail this week because of this. I don't know how to keep living a double life. I had tried to wear women's jeans and tops as a compromise. I think this switching back and forth is making my agoraphobia worse. Any tips for navigating this transitional phase? I feel trapped and I have to spend the next 1 1/2 years here to reach a financial point I can risk changing jobs so I can Move out of this city and state.

There is a very old scene from the Bob Newhart Show called "Just Stop It". The dry humor is funny because it's as accurate as it is ridiculous.

I'm merging my two lives. Before I could do it, I had to give myself permission. My body had to sing to me when I wore skirts. I had to feel myself gritting my teeth on a 7-day trip to my beloved desert, my healing desert, because I had taken only men's clothes.

I still do it. Not as much. It's frustrating and necessary and stupid and right and wrong. It pisses me off!

But the graph of my feminine presentation and alignment has never stopped climbing up. Each week there is a new "first" because I planned for it. Skirts, pronouns, lipstick, names, heels. Nail color and lip color from terrified in clear to bravely terrified in red to OMG I HAVE to wear red!!!

Much of the transition was on God's schedule. Sometimes I could accelerate it.

I've never been further in my journey and I'll say the same thing next week.

Tammy, how did you go wearing womens jeans and tops?

What style were they?

I wear womens shorts, leggings, yoga pants, bicycle shorts pretty much exclusively.  Women's ankle boots sometimes, womens tees all the time.

No body hair, growing my head hair out and women's jewelry.

For the time being it seems to be doing the trick for me.

So I have a couple pairs. one pair works but my favorite have gold buttons on the front so they are very obviously women's. I just bought new jeans so hopefully they will be less obvious. I am making a plan to come out to my brother. once I do that I won't care as much.

Amazon Essentials clothing may be what you want.  Women's sizes with pockets that aren't too feminine.
AI says the styles are "highly androgynous."

I still wish I had male fail no matter what I was wearing. 

You know what I mean, it is the no question she is a woman appearance no matter what.

A good, sweet voice helps of course.

yeah i get mam a lot but its always when I have to show my ID. So I am thrilled and terrified at the same time.

I do enjoy being myself at work, dressed in such pretty clothing.  It is the usual now, but I try to never take this for granted.  I will wear a tiered dress today. 


Chrissy


I am done for the day.  It was nice and I enjoyed wearing this dress.  I have not worn it for a long time before today. 

Yes it can get very tiring flip flopping back and forth. And I really dislike feeling like I'm living a double life and basically lying to a lot of people. I hate lying because I'm by nature a very honest person.

I would "come out of the closet" right now and live more authentically if I could but I'm married and I want to fully consider the feelings of my wife. Protecting my marriage is important to me. So I cannot transition faster than my wife's ability to process things.

But yes I can relate to the fatigue referenced by the original post in this thread.

I get being shy, I really do. I hope there are people around you that understand and support your true self, so that you can find your confidence.

Quote from: tammy753 on June 21, 2026, 05:56:59 AMSo I have a couple pairs. one pair works but my favorite have gold buttons on the front so they are very obviously women's. I just bought new jeans so hopefully they will be less obvious. I am making a plan to come out to my brother. once I do that I won't care as much.

I had to go through this and most of have to live it for weeks, months, or years. Not wanting anything too obviously female while also craving to just BE female. 

I thought every step made me stand out as "a guy in women's __________". 

At each step, it seemed like no one clocked me.not my friends and not strangers. Maybe somone did and said nothing? Saw but didn't even give me an up and down look?  Women's skinny jeans? No comments. Two metal stud earrings? Some compliments. Nothing else. Pretty studs got the same response. Clear nail polish was visibly noticed once without comment. 

Over a year later it was colored nail polish, dangly earrings, v-neck feline blouses, full makeup (though not blatant), and still no one is saying anything. 

I was actually frustrated! I swear I would not be noticed or called ma'am until I added a skirt, heels, a wig and sometimes breast forms with obvious makeup and red lipstick. 

I suggest you keep a gender journey journal. Rereading mine shows patterns that have helped me. 

As for stealth clothes... women's jeans, women's collared blouses (how I loved fumbling with the buttons), undergarments, bracelets that could pass as men's or that hid under the cuffs,  blurring serum, and light foundation. I  hid some things at home from my family.  

Don't forget to enjoy what you feel safe to do. 

I am keeping a journal but didn't think to write what positive steps I have taken to address my dysphoria. Will add that Today I don't have to go anywhere so I get to wear my new pink floral top with a skirt. I have to keep a men's shirt close by in case my boss demands cameras though.

I know what you are going through and relieved to see that I am not alone with the on-and-off and back on of clothing as I go through at my 99 year old mother's house where I live most of the time.  And yes it is very exhausting. 

I try to wear more unisex clothing with limited make-up to prevent constantly changing. But even that changes when my mother's caregivers come- for three hours in the afternoon go into drab mode. I live on a street where the neighbors to the east are pretty affirming but not so to the west or they could not care but I'm not comfortable in feminine attire on that side of the large house I live in.

I like to present wearing a casual dress and open the blinds to the east neighbors social can be seen- I ll be there washing dishes or cleaning in the kitchen. Most of the time in the basement I am wearing feminine attire.  When I am upstairs with my mom, I am not comfortable dressing and careful with my wardrobe. 


My mom is 99 and has some vision issues - can't see up close, so I can get away with wearing make up if I feel like it. It's not easy, or very relaxing. Or if I drive over to my sister's house I am usually in drab as she is very inquisitive. My timing of wardrobe change can be very back and forth.


I have lived in the same city for the past 9 years and know many people.  But there are safe spaces I go, like to an affirming church on Sundays, a transgender support group on Saturday's and a local lgbtq club is open nightly beginning at 4pm. 

In the works is attending an lgbtq coffee shop with hours from 7-1am. Perhaps as many as 50 people have seen me out and of course would love to expand on that.

Hi Alex, welcome to Susan's Place! When you get a chance, stop by the Introductions subforum so everyone can get to know you. Here's a copy of our welcome pamphlet to get you off to a good start. 🙂

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

---

Please familiarize yourself with these resources.

• New Members... Please Read this First (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,250343.msg2295001.html#msg2295001)
• Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
• Site Policies and stuff to remember (https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,492.0.html)
• Membership Agreement (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,216851.0.html)
• Cautionary Note (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,82221.0.html)
• How to Contact Forum Staff Members (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246913.0.html)
• Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
• News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
• Photos, avatars, & signature images (https://www.susans.org//index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

---

Thank you Devlyn!

I loathe switching to all male dressing.  Super disappointing. 

I do what I think is best for the specific situation. 

I would think though, or hope so, that in male presentation that I still have a slightly feminine look.  It is hard to try to adjust your "gender mannerisms" you know.


Hugs,

Chrissy

Oh I'm very clear now there is no switching back for me unless that's how I felt I really wanted to. Guess the only time I'd look more masc is on site in work trousers and PPE!

I'm out at home and do go out, but not at work (which is part time since I'm semi-retired), or with some family members outside of home. There are other considerations as well (long story), so I have to switch more than I would choose to. Ideally I would love to spend days in my gal mode, but life can bring interruptions and pauses. So I try to plan and work it the best I can. I get your frustration, it is not always easy.

Hugs
Jaymie