Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Even though I am quite new to this forum and also newly "out", I feel it is a good thing for me to do just a little bit of blogging. I am not a girl of too many words so I will probably keep it a bit short and with varying recurrence.

English is not my mother tongue so please go a bit easy on my writing and how I express myself.

So, who is Anna, this 62yo trans-femme lesbian?
I am out to myself since beginning of March and to my wife since mid April. Other than that, no-one knows but I know that people wonder a bit about my recent changes in hairstyle and clothing. I guess the kids (well, they're around 30yo) will also need to know, in due time.

Did I ever know or suspect anything before coming out? Oh yes! Ever since I was around 13yo I have had this longing, this wanting to be a girl, wanting to look like a girl, behave like a girl, be treated like a girl. I was never really part of things in school. I was slightly different from most boys. Not much, but slightly. I had en extremely easy journey with studying and grades. That combination was probably what got me a bit bullied and back in the 70's even just a hint about wanting to be a girl would have been an expressway to real bullying and guaranteed outcast. So the suppression was formed early on. I was not comfortable with finding girlfriends and also had some weird experiences with girls sexually. For a while I wondered if I actually was gay, but I realised that I wasn't.

Dysphoria has been a companion of mine for almost 50 years. Not a brutal and blinding dysphoria, but more of a half-strong or half-weak longing and just a slight "ick" with my male body. I have lived rather well, despite things. That is, until about 3-4 years ago when my recurring periods of privately/solo dressing, ecstasy, shame and a bit of self-harm took on a whole new dimension, a much increased strength and shorter and shorter cycles. What was a now and then with long periods of dormancy, dressing when traveling for work, slight experiments on myself - became frequently recurring s/m things, a bit more extreme dressing, more evident self-harm (evident to me, not to others), and a quite painful to my psyche. It got to the point where I with ice-cold realization saw that if I continue along that path it is just a matter of time until I either end myself, or make my wife's life a living hell, or both. I want to stress that I was at no point near such tragic events, but the direction was very clear and the realization made me choose life regardless of having to finally be really honest with myself and accept who I am and how I am wired. Cost whatever it cost, I just had to get out of that doomsday spiral.

Since then it has been so very rewarding. I feel good. No more of those weird/sick experiments and self-harm. No more shame-and-purge. No more daemons that cause pain. No more s/m cravings. No more porno addiction. All of that vanished immediately once I truly admitted to myself who I really am, that I am Anna, trans-femme, lesbian (so I actually was homosexual, but not the way I thought when I was young) and really soft. My male persona of 60 years has also been really soft deep down inside but it has been hidden under layers of "protection" and only come to light on occasion, with my wife and with really old friends. The dysphoria has changed a bit since I accepted who I am. No longer is it only about shape and curves, but more obviously about face, hair, and definitely a bit about the thing between my legs. About identity, about the ability to actually be and look like a woman. Again, not brutally strong and not really harming my life, yet.

As you may have seen in another post I  have been blessed with a truly marvellous and very understanding wife. She gets the soft, caring, sensitive, sensual me - and she loves it. Our relationship is better now than it has been for many, many years. It is better in all aspects 😉. As she said (with more or less these words): So, you are a girl that likes girls...but you are so much more like you were when we first met, the soft and sensitive you has come out for me and all to see and I'm in love again.
How I was when we first met? My wife reminded me that I used to hang-out with her gang of girls while in university and that was perhaps the first time that I really was at home. I was seen as a friend, as wifey's boy-friend, as someone that belonged. They accepted me as a kind of member in their circles and I really enjoyed it. Then life happened and my femme-ish behaviour got buried under layers of protection and denial. Until she couldn't stay hidden any longer.

What happens in the future is written in the stars. For now I seem to be content with integration, making Anna become a mix of both worlds. Don't get me wrong, I'd hit the magic transition button immediately if it existed, but for now I don't feel the need, the urge, to transition. I will not push myself vs transition, I will let life and things have their way, but if I realize that I need transition then so be it. Wifey is not really comfortable discussing the maybe-possibly things, so I will not push those discussions. If they need to happen then I will bring them up.
 
My current style is andro-femme and I mostly go for combos with femme trousers, shoes, underdressing, but more male clothing above the belt. This is definitely by Anna's strong preference for an external expression that is matching physical looks and also by real problems finding femme-ish tops/shirts/blouses that fit my painfully wide shoulders (wide also for a male) and chimp-alike arms in a stylish way. I am growing out my hair so that I can have a more androgynous hairstyle. The wavwiness of my youth seems to still be there, so it looks a bit promising even though it is now salt-n-pepper and with a bit of receding hairline.

Well, that is me. I'll come back later with a bit on how I experience the integration of Anna into the world.

/Anna

Hi Anna. Nice to see you have your own blog.

Thank you for telling us much more about yourself. I find having a blog to be a useful way to voice my thoughts though I also keep a physical written journal too. I also use my blog to give life updates or just keep as a place anyone can chat to me.

I will check back for updates from time to time. Thanks for sharing.

So many parts of your story could pass for my life. I'm glad you found yourself. That is the hardest part, acceptance, and also the most rewarding. Not having to feel shame in the purge repeat cycle. Sounds like you have a good handle on things.
Hugs Gina

Hello @Finally Anna, very nice to meet you.

Really appreciate your story and I am really happy that you are finally yourself and embracing whatever it takes to keep it that way.

I smiled when I reached the part of

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 22, 2026, 07:05:35 AMThis is definitely by Anna's strong preference for an external expression that is matching physical looks and also by real problems finding femme-ish tops/shorts/blouses that fit my painfully wide shoulders

.
If only you could see my browser history on how to combine clothes for women with wide shoulders 😩.

Then again, I came to realize that women are women and there are women of all sizes. Some have big shoulders or wide hips or big bellies...but that doesn't stop them from being women. Embrace yourself, choose the clothes that make you feel more comfortable and be you.

As an ever transitioning woman (I am always learning and trying new things, as a life as a woman is way more interesting as a man) I have come to realize that women will always complain about something in their body, and that seems to be the case for us too ☺️.

It was lovely to read you.
Hugs, Anne. 💜

Hi Anna,

Welcome to Susan's Place!

Good luck on your search for feminine fashion.

Marion

"I feel good. No more of those weird/sick experiments and self-harm. No more shame-and-purge. No more daemons that cause pain. No more s/m cravings. No more porno addiction. All of that vanished immediately once I truly admitted to myself who I really am."

I deeply relate to this. Sex Addicts Anonymous has been good to me and enhanced my mental health beyond stopping porn and other unhealthy behaviors.

But when I saw that my gender was real and healthy, everything clicked into place and the urges disappeared. By working my SAA program in concert with my gender, I've become the most sober and serene that I've ever been.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on June 22, 2026, 01:08:12 PMBut when I saw that my gender was real and healthy, everything clicked into place and the urges disappeared

Thank you for sharing about those things, Krista! 💕
I know how it feels, both to have those unmentionable cravings and to feel the lightness when they are gone.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on June 22, 2026, 01:08:12 PMI've become the most sober and serene that I've ever been.

I am happy for you! It is a great feeling.

Welcome and you are not alone! I think your story is like a lot here. I know I have had the "dark thoughts too" and have been really close over the years. I find that just knowing others are out their that are going through the same thing or have gone through is a huge help.

I hope that you get the help you need.

First laser session of that irritating five-o-clock shadow is now booked. 🙂
When finished with the sessions (she guessed on 3-4) I will still have the white-ish part of the beard left, but there will be much less shadow. Fortunately I have a rather sparse beard so maybe I will be ok without spending years and $$$ on electrolysis.

Who said life was going to be easy?

My wife is a fantastic person and you have all seen what I have written here before, but I have had this feeling about her not really understanding, or perhaps not really accepting, that I want to be a woman. I cannot live in a lie any longer so I kind of provoked a discussion yesterday and then it all came tumbling down.

She (in a brief summary): I have seen things, that you are changing, perfumes, nails, underwear, trousers, and now removal of the beard... and I have had a lot of thoughts about it. Do you actually want to be a woman?
Me: If I could choose then I'd want to be a woman. But I cannot choose, I am in the form I am.

Two hours of discussion and crying shortened to what I write below.

Lots of emotion, crying, pains, despair, ... discussions about where it ends up and that we cannot know that. About physical changes and I said that I strongly  doubt I need any surgery (I really don't feel the need for surgery, I do believe I can live as an andro-femme man/woman). HRT discussion never came up, but I am not so sure I need that either, though more uncertain so I am glad it didn't come up.

Bottom line: She loves me. She really loves the soft femme-ish me and she has no issues whatsoever with that. She will always love me no matter what. She will support me if I need to dress (at least the andro-way I am doing right now). She really wants us to continue to live together, be together. She sees the need for me to explain to our children and our friends ('cause they are asking).

But, as she said: What if I don't feel attracted to you, if you become more woman? You wearing femme-ish perfumes is ok, but I like the male ones better. You dressing like you do now is totally ok, but what if it becomes more? I have wondered if I will come home to you all dressed in women's clothes. I am heterosexual even if I have had encounters also with women. What if my sexual attraction for you disappears? That would be very hard to live with, while staying together. I don't know if I can have a platonic relation. Do I then need to get a lover on the side? And more uncertaintes...

So, the fairytale has ended, as I kind of feared it would.

I said to her: I don't know what I need to do/change, but I do like underdressing and doing the andro-femme style. I will try to find out how much femme/woman I need to be, because need and want/like are two very different things.

It kind of ended with: We really want to stay together. We need to trust each other in being honest with ourselves and each other, telling things like they are and not denying or lying or hiding things. And then we will see what happens.

I will postpone my beard/laser and I will boy-mode a bit more, just to really find out about my needs and for now I guess I better try to find my inner minimum-woman.

We set ground rules on how far I could go. What I could wear in public.
What I could wear at home.
If I needed HRT we needed another discussion.

What we didn't really discusses was triggering her body issues.
My size at Victoria's Secret is XS.  There is nothing in VS that would fit her, so she wouldn't go into  the store at West Farms Mall.  I decided it was better to buy stuff online.

I now shop the deep discounts at Revolve.com

I've spent $100 on five XS cute mini-skirts at Revolve in the last two weeks.

With a waist hip ratio of 0.7 and slightly long legs I look really good wearing skirts on the golf course.
 I wear longer skirts that are about two inches above the knee on the golf course.

Marion

Thank you for caring, Marion.

I don't think the dressing as such is the big issue and (currently) I really don't feel the need or the want to do skirts and dresses. I like the andro-femme style a lot but what happens later is yet unknown and I guess it is her fear of the unknown (karma is a bitch, I wrote exactly this to @Petunia) that is troubling her (and me). The "what if".

Well, life happens. I hope that the mere thoughts about the insecure future does not create too much of an issue. It would be a shame if we got big relational problem just because of the mind going into a tail-spin.

Talking and setting ground rules will help with her fear of the unknown.

I am so sorry to hear that Anna, but it's not an outright rejection of your needs which is still a positive start.

I am so glad I knew I was trans from the get go. This is precisely why I never persued relationships. I could not imagine having to go through what you are going through right now.

I wish I could offer advice but I simply do not have any experience of this sort of thing. All I can say is that I hope you two can work through these things as you clearly seem to love each other very much.

Anna,

Are you currently seeing a therapist with gender experience? They can help you sort out your feelings and answer the questions you have.

I would also suggest that, when you feel up to it, you invite your wife to join you for a session. It becomes complicated when we try to explain something that we are not fully clear about ourselves. Inviting her to a session includes her in the discussion and allows her to ask the questions that are on her mind. She gets the answers from a professional third-party. This also allows you to hear the questions she asks, her concerns, and how the two of you can work through them together.

This can also pay off later when/if you decide you want/need to proceed further. The therapist can help both of you understand what that would mean, how it would affect your relationship, and what issues might appear down the road.

The two of you have a beautiful relationship and are both clearly focused on staying together to make it work. That is a great starting point. Help her understand and find the answers she needs to be supportive of you. Get the answers you need so you can be supportive of her.

We wish you both the very best.

Thank you, all!
I am seeing a therapist. One that should have experience as he (most likely is ftm and) has 10 yrs experience in the field of lgbtq. No guarantee about being a good therapist but at least it gives an experience in the area.
I have reasonable hopes for us because we REALLY are made for each other. But time will tell. 

Being trans is a blessing and a curse in the same package.
Love to all of you

💕

This is only a few thoughts. I am not searching for labels.

I know that things come on a spectrum but it is still a bit of a strange feeling.
On the one hand I am absolutely dead certain that I want to be a woman and I feel very relieved about coming out to myself and also relieved about coming out to my wife even with the complication it brings.
On the other hand I find myself being rather certain about not requiring any surgery and at least a bit unsure about hrt (it is on my radar, but I am not sure about requiring it).

I feel great when presenting andro-femme. I can present all male without any big itch, but I only do it when "needed". I don't think I will like presenting feminine femme unless I also look rather woman-like (which I definitely don't).

Maybe it is beause I am so newly out to myself? Or maybe it is because that is who I really am, a woman that leans andro?

 I'd also like to be a woman but I don't see HRT as being a benefit that outweighs that risks, as I'm one of the few with passing privilege. I'm 5ft 2in tall with an hourglass figure with female voice and mannerisms.  I'd drive folks nuts trying to figure out my sex based on secondary sex clues like an Adam's Apple and male pattern baldness.

 Presenting female greatly improves social interactions as people don't needlessly waste energy figuring out my pronouns.

Marion

Hey Anna, pleased to get to know you! Like many here I'm in a similar spot and can relate to many things you are going through. It's good to find out what you really want and need, and it's important to be honest with yourself.

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 26, 2026, 04:09:04 AMMaybe it is beause I am so newly out to myself? Or maybe it is because that is who I really am, a woman that leans andro?

Both can be true at the same time.

Transitioning is not a requirement, and everyone has their own needs and timeline. Your needs may change over time, so just go with what makes you happy. If you later decide you need more, explore that. If you decide you are content where you are, that's a good thing too.

Hi Anna,
I'm sorry to hear you wife's reaction.

I've had a couple of days crying and feeling down.

I need to kinder to myself and especially my wife. What I'm feeling is really quite selfish but I can't help it.

Almost everything you've written above could have been written by me. There are only a few small differences.

I have already almost finished laser on my face.  It's one of the best things I've done. I don't look constantly dirty now.

There is a lot of grey that will need attention but a close shave in enough for now.

Like you, appearing andro femme is the best I can hope for for now, and I do feel very comfortable appearing like that.

I would really like to at least try hrt. For my mind, to arrest hair loss on my head, to reduce my sweating and odour, to soften my skin, reduce body hair and improve my figure.

I need to fix my nose, it's badly broken with a deviated septum.
There wouldn't be many worse noses out there, male or female.  Even the male me needs it fixed.

I need my hooded eyelids fixed and all the red marks on my face need erradication.
 

Quote from: Petunia on June 26, 2026, 10:32:27 PMI'm sorry to hear you wife's reaction.

Thank you! 💕
 
Things have cooled down considerably and it feels more or less like before the "big showdown" the other day. My wife behaves like she always has, as far as I can tell. I have been boymoding for two days. Partly because of the discussions and partly because I have been doing a bit of carpentry, bit of moving things around etc, and then the all male is better since I don't want to ruin my nice clothes.

There is hope, but I won't count my chickens yet (if ever). My wife really is quite fantastic in her ability to shake things off and not worry too much about them before they actually become a problem. And we do want to stay together so that is the mode we go with until something else is needed.

Some things just need a little time and space. Fingers crossed for you. 🤞

Absolutely smashing party, yesterday. Outside event, sunshine and temp around 20C (68F) . Started at 4PM and the last guests left at 3AM - yes, the 24 hours of light is nice.
Only one of the guests was obviously checking out my femme-male clothing for about three seconds. Noone else even bat an eye. Femme-male: Femme trousers and sneakers, male shirt.

Half a day of labour for moving/fixing/cleaning after the party. Return the extra garden-lounge furniture, table and cushions. Remove the temporary bar and bar tables, chairs, other table, dispose of mountains of beer cans and wine bottles, a few empty gin bottles, ...

Boymode while doing all that and this time I became aware that I am more aware of my clothing when boymoding, then when presenting andro-femme-ish. I guess it is my internal femme gravitation that is slowly pulling me in, making me at home in andro-femme and then the all-male style becomes the exception.

I'm also to the point where I can't stand dressing all-male.

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 25, 2026, 04:18:37 AMShe sees the need for me to explain to our children and our friends ('cause they are asking).

This is perhaps important to my wife, so that she does not feel all alone and isolated with her knowledge. So that she can at least discuss parts of it with someone that is not me. But I am not so sure I am ready to reveal all of it, not even to our children. Decisions, decisions, ...

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 29, 2026, 04:26:50 PMThis is perhaps important to my wife, so that she does not feel all alone and isolated with her knowledge. So that she can at least discuss parts of it with someone that is not me. But I am not so sure I am ready to reveal all of it, not even to our children. Decisions, decisions, ...

If it helps, we would like to invite her to join us here in the Significant Others Forum.
https://www.susans.org/index.php?board=26.0

It is a space set aside for spouses, partners, parents, children, relatives, and allies seeking information and support from other SOs to help them understand what they are going through. If she doesn't want to join as a member, the forum is still open to the public to read. Maybe she will see she isn't alone and may find others feeling the same way she does.

Just venting a bit, ranting a bit. As far as I can tell, my wife is behaving much like she normally does so this is not a cry for help or a howling in pain.

How do you do, to just keep living your life? Not letting fear and thoughts take more energy than they should? To not wonder whether your SO is living her/his life without letting fear and thoughts take more energy than they should? To not wonder where the track is heading, which stations that the train stops at and which will just be passed? To embrace the things that make your life happier while not pursuing those that actually don't? To find the balance between the needs of self and those of SO/family/friends? To know what you really need to be true to yourself while not putting unnecessary strain and pain upon others or self? To not do things that hurt others and then later discover that you were wrong about it and you hurt them without cause?

I guess it is just a matter of one day at a time, tread with a bit of caution, and time will tell what needs to be told whether it is positive or negative.

Yes, I will bring this up at the next therapy session.

On another note: I am down to the last hole in my belt. About 7 kg are gone in 3 months so "only" 12 kg yet to lose before I am at the weight where I will be ok. Not super-thin, but in a good physical shape. The method is slowly but steady. Special diets are not a winning tactic. A bit of food-style change is the winning choice since it can become a persistent part of life, a new normal.

Like mentioned I am in a VERY similar spot. I used to put the needs of others before mine my whole life. But since I know I am a woman, this has become existential for me, as in, I cannot continue existing as a man.

So it's not something I chose, not a fluke, no lifestyle decision. I must go this way if I am to have a chance of a somewhat happy life. That's what I try to explain to those that depend on me.

And it's crazy, it's EXACTLY the same with me regarding the weight, even down to the figures.

Such a good feeling to see the belt holes changing. Congratulation on a milestone, Anna. 
I have tightened 3 holes in mine and #4 is do able. Same plan here, just cut back and eat less. Sometimes skip a meal.

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 30, 2026, 02:19:28 AMOn another note: I am down to the last hole in my belt. About 7 kg are gone in 3 months so "only" 12 kg yet to lose before I am at the weight where I will be ok. Not super-thin, but in a good physical shape. The method is slowly but steady. Special diets are not a winning tactic. A bit of food-style change is the winning choice since it can become a persistent part of life, a new normal.

100% this. Controlled balanced dieting is the only way to get the weight off so it stays off. Slow dieting helps the skin shrink back too so it minimises the risk of loose skin. I am seeing loads of stories about people who have spent a small fortune on weight loss jabs only to find they put most of it back on again when they stop.

That is really good weight loss Anna. I've lost 12KG so far since end of last year but I have sooo far to go it's depressing.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on June 30, 2026, 06:46:27 AMI've lost 12KG so far since end of last year but I have sooo far to go it's depressing.

Hey, you have 12 kg less depression than you had half a year ago! That is quite an achievement! Hang in there!
💕

Yeah, only 49 Kg more to go 😪😪😪

Quote from: Stottie Girl on June 30, 2026, 06:52:52 AMYeah, only 49 Kg more to go 😪😪😪

But still: You are down 12 kg in just over six months and that is an achievement. Keep on grinding, you will get there!

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 29, 2026, 04:26:50 PMThis is perhaps important to my wife, so that she does not feel all alone and isolated with her knowledge. So that she can at least discuss parts of it with someone that is not me. But I am not so sure I am ready to reveal all of it, not even to our children. Decisions, decisions, ...

It was not easy for me, but what a relief! One core belief for me is that once I determined my truth (so easy?! LOL!), that truth would eventually emerge. 

You get to choose how much to reveal, to whom, and when. Period. 

I asked myself a few questions
1. What is best for me in the long and short term?
2. What part of my holding back is legitimate and what part is fear? I mean this as a true question. Sharing everything with everyone sounds like a bold and beautiful action, but it can also be counterproductive and even foolhardy. Yet I could feel certain ways I needed to move forward and was allowing fear to make excuses. 
3. How would this information affect others? I focused more on long term than in that initial conversation. 

Trans people have made radically different choices. I know you will your way. 

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 30, 2026, 01:46:06 AMJust venting a bit, ranting a bit. As far as I can tell, my wife is behaving much like she normally does so this is not a cry for help or a howling in pain.

How do you do, to just keep living your life? Not letting fear and thoughts take more energy than they should? To not wonder whether your SO is living her/his life without letting fear and thoughts take more energy than they should? To not wonder where the track is heading, which stations that the train stops at and which will just be passed? To embrace the things that make your life happier while not pursuing those that actually don't? To find the balance between the needs of self and those of SO/family/friends? To know what you really need to be true to yourself while not putting unnecessary strain and pain upon others or self? To not do things that hurt others and then later discover that you were wrong about it and you hurt them without cause?

I guess it is just a matter of one day at a time, tread with a bit of caution, and time will tell what needs to be told whether it is positive or negative.

Yes, I will bring this up at the next therapy session.

I want to address this because it is very common, not just for transgender people, but also for intersex people as well.

These questions are valid questions to consider, but they stem from a false premise. They assume that you chose this. That your transitioning is a choice that will inflict pain and suffering on our loved ones.

Will it be tough for people to accept? Of course. But remember that you did not choose this.

Scientific studies all point to one conclusion: We were born this way for whatever reason.
Read that again. We were BORN this way.

We did not choose this. Our bodies merely developed differently than our brains. Our bodies do not produce estrogen in the amounts our brain needs, and instead produce more testosterone than our brain needs to survive. That is a hormonal imbalance. And professional medical and mental health organizations all agree that the proper treatment is hormonal therapy.

That means we are not choosing to disrupt our lives, jeopardize our relationships, or fail to meet our obligations to loved ones. These things happen as a result of our medical condition. The problem is that not enough is known about what the causes are, and the misinformation all over the internet makes it appear as though we woke up one morning and decided we wanted boobs. As long as the cisgender population believes that, we will be discriminated against and viewed as deviants.

The answer is in education. We need to educate ourselves to understand what this really means. Then we need to educate others so they understand that it is not a choice, but a biological reality. Our choice is merely what we do about it.

We can ignore it and risk our mental health. We can try to manage it discreetly through cross-dressing or other behaviors. For me, the decision was simpler. If this is who I am, then so be it. If family and friends want information, I will do my best to help them understand. Most have too many prejudices to be bothered. That does not stop me from living the best life I can. That means I live as a woman full-time. HRT, electrolysis, surgeries, wearing women's clothing, makeup, and jewelry: the same things ciswomen do and wear.

Ciswomen get HRT for a variety of reasons, from hysterectomies to PCOS. Ciswomen get electrolysis for hirsutism. Ciswomen get surgeries, including cosmetic surgeries, so they look and feel better: facelifts, breast augmentation/reduction, lip lifts, tummy tucks, and Mommy Makeovers. They do it for the exact same reasons we do - to make ourselves look and feel better about ourselves.

Society doesn't blink when a cis woman does this. But transgender women are demonized for it. I had a woman ask me once if I was wearing a bra. I looked her in the eye and said, "Yes. So what? You are wearing one too. It's what women do."

Remember that your brain knows you were born a woman. Therefore, no one should criticize you for doing the same things that women do. If they don't understand why you are doing it now and not earlier, that is because you didn't know earlier. You may have suspected it, but you really didn't know for sure. Society has always prevented us from learning this and instead forced us into roles based on our appearances. It started when we were born and assigned a sex that does not define who we are.

Definitely talk to your therapist about this. My hope is that you and others reading this can come to the understanding that you did not choose this. It is no one's fault. It just is what it is.

Thank you, Lori!
I do appreciate your knowledge and your concern. I have informed my therapist about the topic. Session tomorrow.
❤️

Quote from: KristaFairchild on June 30, 2026, 08:20:45 AMI asked myself a few questions
1. What is best for me in the long and short term?
2. What part of my holding back is legitimate and what part is fear? I mean this as a true question. Sharing everything with everyone sounds like a bold and beautiful action, but it can also be counterproductive and even foolhardy. Yet I could feel certain ways I needed to move forward and was allowing fear to make excuses.
3. How would this information affect others? I focused more on long term than in that initial conversation.

Very wise questions. I will consider them carefully.Thank you!
I would guess that our children and their SO need the whole truth. Perhaps not from the get-go, but a bit later. It would be difficult for both me and my wife to be relaxed around them if we have to guard our tongues all the time, and if I have to do semi-male all the time (assuming that I will be leaning more femme with time). We have a very tight relation with the kiddos.
Friends? Well, we shall see about that. They don't need to know as much as soon, but possibly they'd also need to know later on. For much the same reasons as for the children.

It is a relief to know that my wife have now (more or less) got the whole picture. As whole as can be expected right now. I have not told her about the <issues> that have been my companion and tormenter since forever, up until my own acceptance when those <issues> just vanished, and I would guess that those <issues> will not be revealed to her or to anyone else (well, my therapist has some of that info), ever. Revealing that would be like saying that I lied about really troublesome things for almost 40 years. That would be a certain one-way trip to divorce and to problematic relations with the kids.

💕

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 30, 2026, 01:18:00 PMI would guess that those <issues> will not be revealed to her or to anyone else (well, my therapist has some of that info), ever. Revealing that would be like saying that I lied about really troublesome things for almost 40 years. That would be a certain one-way trip to divorce and to problematic relations with the kids.

Reading this, a couple of times. It is nothing short of sick and weird, that these <issues> were a result of the identity denial and suppression. But that is the way the brain works. It protects its bearer, in the rawest sense of protection. Meaning that it protects its (the brain's) bearer body from death, from falling outside of acceptable "behavior". A purely evolutional thing, that made people be able stay within the tribe even though they were a bit of odd-balls. Being outcast on the savannah would have meant certain death, so the brain's protectional layers are really tough and more or less invisible to the bearer's conscious thinking. But the identity cannot be denied in the long run, and it finds ways of seeping through the protection, and those are the <issues> that manifest themselves in not-so-enjoyable ways.

Yes, I am interested in how the brain works and how the psyche works wrt moral psychology and therapy etc and I have read a number of books on those subjects. ;)

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 30, 2026, 01:18:00 PMRevealing that would be like saying that I lied about really troublesome things for almost 40 years. That would be a certain one-way trip to divorce and to problematic relations with the kids.

It does appear that way. I encountered this with my parents, being accused of lying to them all my life. Then someone here on Susan's explained to me that I was not only lying to them but also to myself for longer.

The thing is, it isn't lying. Not everyone needs to know your deepest, darkest secrets. Their relationship to you is what determines how much they need to know. I never discussed sexual issues between my wife and me with my parents. They don't have a need to know. I never discussed those things with my children either. No one needs the details.

Between you and your wife, sharing details could be important for helping you both understand what you are going through and what your future together might look like. The children do not need the same level of disclosure.

What I explained to my parents is that in therapy I learned some things about myself that I had never disclosed to anyone. Now, I am revealing them in the interest of pure honesty. I am still the same person. The only difference is that they now know some personal details I had never shared with anyone before. I am not asking them for permission or acceptance. I am only giving them information. How they take it and what they do with it is up to them. My life goes on no matter what they decide.

I have no plans to change the path I am walking. I will encounter people who are walking away, going in different directions, and some who are not moving at all. Anyone who wants to join me and walk with me is welcome to do so. But I will not be waiting for them to decide. They can catch up later if they wish.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 30, 2026, 11:27:53 AMScientific studies all point to one conclusion: We were born this way for whatever reason.
Read that again. We were BORN this way.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 30, 2026, 11:27:53 AMThat means we are not choosing to disrupt our lives, jeopardize our relationships, or fail to meet our obligations to loved ones. These things happen as a result of our medical condition.

I know, and I also know about the theories about hormonal imbalance during pregnancy that are suspected to make the brain's development not be aligned with the physical development. I hope that all trans-persons seek enough information to know.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 30, 2026, 11:27:53 AMWe can ignore it and risk our mental health. We can try to manage it discreetly through cross-dressing or other behaviors. For me, the decision was simpler. If this is who I am, then so be it. If family and friends want information, I will do my best to help them understand. Most have too many prejudices to be bothered.

This is where it gets tricky if you want to eat the cake and have it too. I don't yet know what I need to stay healthy and happy, nor do I yet know how I will handle all things, but what I do know is that I will not (as in absolutely and irrevocably not) put myself in a state that is even remotely like the psycho pains and self loathing that I went through for a couple of years before I brute-forced my way out of my egg.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 30, 2026, 11:27:53 AMSociety doesn't blink when a cis woman does this. But transgender women are demonized for it.

Because we are seen as the physical person people see, and are used to see. And, because of moral psychology  that makes people judge from other things than just medical logic - this is an important part of the reasons for trans hate of various kinds.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 30, 2026, 11:27:53 AMMy hope is that you and others reading this can come to the understanding that you did not choose this. It is no one's fault. It just is what it is.

As I wrote above: I know this very well. But I do want to eat parts of the cake and have parts of it too. I just don't know which parts, yet.
💕

And I repeat: I have the deepest respect for your knowledge, experience and wisdom when it comes to all things related to our condition(s) and the world around us. My post is only to comment on things from my somewhat noob-ish personal view as it is right now. I accept that this view could be a case of inexperience and wishful thinking and that I will discover that I need more than I currently think.

I don't know about you, my friend, but a lot of my lying was to myself. And even when I honestly knew what was going on, I was terrified to reveal it.

I'm glad you've made decisions that you feel confident about in terms of what you will and will not reveal. That sounds super healthy.

I would offer one gentle reminder through this process. It's OK to put yourself first. This is your journey, and it clearly hasn't been an easy one.

❤️

Quote from: KristaFairchild on June 30, 2026, 06:57:18 PMI don't know about you, my friend, but a lot of my lying was to myself. And even when I honestly knew what was going on, I was terrified to reveal it.

I guess that is an important part of the process I am in - to know or find out what I need and also to know and find out if I try to lie to myself (for whatever reasons).

Quote from: KristaFairchild on June 30, 2026, 06:57:18 PMI would offer one gentle reminder through this process. It's OK to put yourself first. This is your journey, and it clearly hasn't been an easy one.

💕

I just want to tell you all that I value your wisdom, experience and concern a lot - and that is true regardless of whether you agree or oppose to what I write.
Being among people that share these conditions is comforting, even if it is "only" via a web forum.

...and tears, when I write this. 🥹
I have become so emotional just by coming out. A stark difference to how I was before, and I love it. I was more than a little robot-ish with my external feelings, but always so soft deep down, and now I can let it all flow.

❤️

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 30, 2026, 11:27:53 AMDefinitely talk to your therapist about this.

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 30, 2026, 01:13:23 PMI have informed my therapist about the topic. Session tomorrow

I've only had two sessions before today's, and today's was the first session where there's been a definite subject/focus, and I have to say that my therapist has delivered. It is obvious that he has experience with these questions and in this area. His ways are soft and inviting and that makes me speak out quite openly about fears and needs, about euphoria vs dysphoria, about how I perceive the need for social transitioning and bodily transitioning, etc. I even mentioned my <issues> (that was a first, for anyone).

Notable, and what I carry with me now, is that he made me realize how good I felt inside when presenting andro-femme at the party we had the other day.

Congrats on the party experience, I'm happy for you!

@Finally Anna @KristaFairchild
About lying; I have a problem with the word. Because for me if you lie to someone, deception and intent is involved. What happened with us though has nothing to do with that; our brain was trying to protect us from social exclusion. So what we actually did was suppressing our inner truth. Neither deception nor intent is involved. So let's be easy on ourselves to begin with. 🤗🩷

My wife wondered how today's therapy session had been. She knows I have been a bit so-so about the previous ones so I told her that it was good and also told her a bit about what we had talked about, that I have a rather low dysphoria (it is there, but it is quite manageable so far), that the relation needs honesty and continuous care and openness for its chances to be best, ...

One of wifey's comments: Perhaps you have matured a bit in who you actually are and you then have a somewhat better feeling for things, and that is why it felt better this time...

Quote from: Valerie.Val on July 01, 2026, 08:01:58 AMour brain was trying to protect us from social exclusion. So what we actually did was suppressing our inner truth. Neither deception nor intent is involved. So let's be easy on ourselves to begin with.

Exactly this. Well said. 🥰

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 01, 2026, 01:37:04 AM...and tears, when I write this. 🥹
I have become so emotional just by coming out. A stark difference to how I was before, and I love it. I was more than a little robot-ish with my external feelings, but always so soft deep down, and now I can let it all flow.

❤️

Maybe a bit bittersweet, but beautiful nonetheless. 

I've learned that vulnerability is connecting, necessary, and relieving. Well, maybe I'm still learning that 😉

It's been just four months since I came out to myself. It is three months since I started telling things to my wife. It is only 10 days since my wife fully realized that I actually am a woman and want to be a woman.
There has been agony and fear along the way. There has been despair, and doubt. There has been euphorical highs and dysphorical lows. I have wondered where this is heading - at times I still am. There has been the odd day of suffering, but most days have been quite ok and some have been pure joy.

My wife has been a tremendous support in all this, she really is the star of the show since she was unknowingly dragged into this 37 years ago (well, it was actually she that dragged me ;) ).

Why am I writing this?
Because I feel fine, alive, relaxed and for the first time in almost 50 years I feel at peace with myself. Because our marriage has flourished for these four months since I came out to myself. Because there is a possible path forward that means with a potion of luck our marriage could survive and continue to flourish.

I am not jumping to conclusions, not counting my chickens. This is a life-long game and what I will require to continue to feel fine is yet a bit unknown, but so far, so good.

Finally, but not yet final!

I love that you experience this, Anna!

Damn, Anna, what an amazing and beautiful story! You did in 4 months what it took me 2 years to do. I too see a path forward with my wife (and a wider path with my adult children), but it's scary. 

Regardless of consequences, I'm trans and I'm moving forward - and loving it. 

Thank you so much for sharing this! 

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 02, 2026, 04:25:39 AMbut it's scary

Oh it's a bit scary, alright! I guess that the lingering scare and those odd days of feeling like an alien will accompany us forever, or at least for a long time.
But I now know who I am and I have no fears or regrets in admitting this to myself or to my wife. Whatever happens in the future is for no-one to know and for us to find out. I will live my andro-femme life until I find that I need "more" and I know that my wife has my back for as long as she possibly can - I cannot wish for more.

I found a tiny note from wifey just now. She leaves those now and then, in places where only I will find them. A tiny little love letter that focuses on her love for me, admiration for my courage in coming out and sharing with her, and on us being together. I leave such small notes for her as well, now and then. It's a real love-blast finding them and writing them.

Tears, tears, tears, ... 💕

How beautiful <3

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 02, 2026, 02:33:15 AMBecause I feel fine, alive, relaxed and for the first time in almost 50 years I feel at peace with myself.

I find myself reading this, and re-reading it. It is a strange feeling. It is not uncommon that people who accept for themselves that they are trans, say that it is like a filter removed or like a background buzz that fell silent.

For me, the filter disappeared a few days before I accepted my transness. The world suddenly seemed more colourful, I noticed more about the surroundings and I viewed women with a whole new set of eyes. Before my acceptance I objectified women quite a bit but I can pinpoint the exact place and the exact moment when that objectification went away and was replaced with appreciation and an eye for the aesthetics of their style, hair, clothing, jewelry, gestures. It was like flicking a switch, and I didn't at first understand what/why it happened. Looking back it is obvious to me that it was in that exact moment that the suppression of my identity unraveled and went dead.

But that buzz? Nah, I didn't think I had that. But I was wrong! I did have that buzz, but I just failed to understand it. It took until today for me to realize that the buzz is what I had from age young until today, in the form of those thoughts, the insecurities, the fear, the what-ifs, the longing.
As of today I think most of that buzz has gone silent.
It has become peaceful.

Quote from: Finally Anna on June 22, 2026, 07:05:35 AMI am not a girl of too many words so I will probably keep it a bit short and with varying recurrence.

Seems I was in the wrong about this. I blame it on all you nice and grounded people frequenting this site. 🥰

The colors, right? I found myself staring outside the windows at all the colors I hadn't seen since childhood.

It's about how I see things. Now I see a lot of things, that were previously just passing by my vision without really being noticed. Colours, people (women), pieces of nature, clouds in the sky, ... but strangely enough (or not) I don't much notice men, unless they really stand out for some reason.

As a metaphor: It is like I am now more in the world, rather than just passing through.

Exactly! It was like living behind a thick glass or something, like watching a movie of your life.

About men, same same. It was weird going shopping groceries, I felt how proximity to men made me feel uncomfortable - at the same time I could sense that my proximity made women uncomfortable. Do you feel that too?

For background: I don't present femme to the world. I live in the androgynous land, with various levels of femme-leaning. It is how I am comfortable, right now. It feels like me. Might change for more femme as time goes by, or might not. Time will tell.

So, most people auto-gender me as a man, and those who actually dwell for a few seconds (it happens, and it is noticeable) are likely to see a man that is a bit more more femme than you'd expect from an oldtimer. Hairstyle, clothing, manners, perfume are all a bit towards femme, on a scale.

I don't feel uncomfy around men in the sense that I get the creeps, but I find men's company less attractive than women's. I doubt that women become uncomfy in my presence, I see no such signs. If they see a slightly femme man, it does not provoke the "watch out" reaction, nor does it trigger any "impersonation" feelings.

I see yeah. Well I was presenting full dude back then, beard and all. And maybe I was being oversensitive with all this being super new to me. It was a new level of understanding I guess.

Fast forward 8 weeks and I'm also presenting andro. Tonight my spouse and I are going out for dinner, first time wearing a girl-cut tshirt and some light makeup in public. Exciting!

Wife said to talk to our (grown up) children. So I did, with one of them just 10 minutes ago. Aiming to just do the "I have a softer style and I'm more true me" thing.

- I hear that you have wondered about my changed style?
- What are you talking about?
- I understood from mom that you have wondered about my changed style.
- No, I have not. Haven't even thought about it. What do you mean?
- Changed hairstyle etc.
- Ok, you have longer hair. And?
- No big deal, but this is more the real me. You know I am quite soft inside, just like you are, and now it comes shining through. This is much more the real me. As mom said: You are now much more how you were when we met.
- So, your retirement made you shed the office style and be more you. Nice.

And that was it. A total non-issue, so far. Femme-ish trousers, jeans and shorts and femme-ish/andro perfumes was not even mentioned, and was obviously not even worth noticing other than "Hey, dad, cool jeans!" some two weeks ago.
One down, one to go. A different one.

Way to go Anna!

Quote from: Valerie.Val on July 03, 2026, 03:46:52 AMI see yeah. Well I was presenting full dude back then, beard and all. And maybe I was being oversensitive with all this being super new to me. It was a new level of understanding I guess.

Fast forward 8 weeks and I'm also presenting andro. Tonight my spouse and I are going out for dinner, first time wearing a girl-cut tshirt and some light makeup in public. Exciting!

The word "exciting" says a lot. 

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 03, 2026, 06:46:01 AMWife said to talk to our (grown up) children. So I did, with one of them just 10 minutes ago. Aiming to just do the "I have a softer style and I'm more true me" thing.

- I hear that you have wondered about my changed style?
- What are you talking about?
- I understood from mom that you have wondered about my changed style.
- No, I have not. Haven't even thought about it. What do you mean?
- Changed hairstyle etc.
- Ok, you have longer hair. And?
- No big deal, but this is more the real me. You know I am quite soft inside, just like you are, and now it comes shining through. This is much more the real me. As mom said: You are now much more how you were when we met.
- So, your retirement made you shed the office style and be more you. Nice.

And that was it. A total non-issue, so far. Femme-ish trousers, jeans and shorts and femme-ish/andro perfumes was not even mentioned, and was obviously not even worth noticing other than "Hey, dad, cool jeans!" some two weeks ago.
One down, one to go. A different one.

I love this! It's reminder that the ways we present that feel huge to us aren't nearly as important or noticeable to others. 

In my talk with my adult daughters 19), I was expressing more femininely. Clearly wearing makeup, always women's clothes, but no skirts or dresses, no bold lipstick, no wig or forms.

They had been in orchestra in high school. It was a safe haven for LGBTQ students; I think half of them were. 

My daughters didn't care about my gender. They cared about my marriage to their mother. And they asked if they could still call me dad. 

I'm happy for you Anna

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 03, 2026, 11:08:43 AMMy daughters didn't care about my gender. They cared about my marriage to their mother. And they asked if they could still call me dad.

This!
Discovering that the younger generation has that "But dad, I know who you are and so what if you like femme style or define as a woman, but what about the important things?"

Edit: I do NOT mean that our identity issues are unimportant. Certainly not. But the younger generation may have other views on important and gender.

Two things.

One: A couple of nights ago I dreamed that I was a woman. Now, I typically don't dream at all and while I don't remember the scenario this is the first time I remember dreaming that I was a woman. A nice experience that I hope will repeat itself.

Two: I wonder if wifey has noticed that I've been shaving my legs and my armpits for a few weeks? The armpits are obvious, but legs are not as I have always had very light and sparse hairs and yesterday she was caressing my leg(s) but she didn't say anything although there was probably an ever so light stubble. Perhaps she is just noticing but doesn't feel the need to say anything. Anyway, being smooth is a very nice experience and something that will persist regardless of any opinions she might have.

I wonder if my relatively low dysphoria, combined with high age, is why I don't feel an overwhelming need to start a physical transition? I certainly have a wish for a female body and even with the relatively low dysphoria I suspect that if I had come out to myself while young I would have wanted to do a full transition. Right now it feels like I can get by without, but only time can tell for certain.
What I do think will happen is that with time I will dress a bit more femme, and become more natural in my femme-ish manners. Where my hairstyle will end up is yet unknown but an androgynous flow style is in the cards when it has grown long enough and if the receding hairline can support it.

Where is the ❤️ button?

Yes to affirming dreams that help our souls breathe. 

As for shaving, I have similar legs that I'm grateful for. [aside, Sally Hansen leg makeup is a joy! Gives then a slight tan and smoothes over imperfections] Shaved legs is a good example of one of at least a dozen things I thought would brings comments from: my wife, my kids, my coworkers, and strangers on the street. There's a scene from the 1980 movie The Princess Bride where Buttercup has a nightmare of walking through town with people screaming at her, telling her she's horrible. 

To my surprise, it didn't happen. Instead, most of the people I knew best said nothing. Strangers I interacted with (like clerks in stores) commented casually "Cute earrings" or "I love the color of your shirt" or "Do you do your own nails"

With time it was clear that no one cared and eventually they all "knew."

My wife and I didn't talk about it a lot. 

But she bought me women's  clothes and makeup for my birthday and anniversary. 

My coworker dropped a gift bag on my desk with fluffy pink tissue paper and her favorite lipstick in it. 

As for not needing it, what I NEEDED was permission - from myself. At each scary step. And I found that...

Wearing hidden panties wasn't a fiery need, but it led to hidden pantyhose under clothes (and with men's socks), also not a need. 

The pantyhose and panties became more normal, even if hidden. 

This led to men's colorful shirts. I didn't need them. By then I NEEDED the panties, every day. No one knew. I do my own laundry. 

And so on. I'm slowly starting to not need as much to feel feminine, but I almost always want: v-beck utterly femme blouses, skirts, full eye makeup, lipstick (god give me RED), cute girly sandals, painted toe and fingernails...

You may experience none of this. We are all so different (and so the same). Or you may. More likely, your own version will emerge. 

Keep dreaming. ❤️

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 06, 2026, 07:58:26 AMWhere is the ❤️ button?

I read a whole lot of ❤️ buttons in your posts...  💕 😘

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 06, 2026, 07:58:26 AMMy wife and I didn't talk about it a lot. But she bought me women's clothes and makeup for my birthday and anniversary.

This. Is. Love. And it is beautiful and understanding.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 06, 2026, 07:58:26 AMMy coworker dropped a gift bag on my desk with fluffy pink tissue paper and her favorite lipstick in it.

And this!
She had just waited for the right opportunity to show you that what she cares about is the inside and that she likes the new wrapping.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 06, 2026, 07:58:26 AMYou may experience none of this. We are all so different (and so the same). Or you may. More likely, your own version will emerge.

I do experience similar things, but I am only in the beginning of my discoveries. What I do find is that the things that I "try" and like, are step by step becoming the new normal and with that, the distinct noveau feeling gets replaced with a more comfy feeling of it being right. Femme-ish perfumes, skin care, shaving, underdressing, femme trousers and shorts, longer nails but still only clear polish, growing my hair out (now longer than it has been since around 1983 and it shall be even longer), ...

A kingdom for really accepting for myself that most people probably are like I am when it comes to viewing other people.

Do I much care about how people dress? Nope.
Do I really care if I clock someone as crossdressing? No, I don't.
Do I get uncomfortable in the presence of gay or trans people? Certainly not.
Would I be upset if an old friend would start presenting gradually more femme or more male? Absolutely not, but I'd be curious.
Do I appreciate style, also when it is on someone who is crossdressing (I cannot see if someone is trans)? Of course.

I will definitely see if someone is dressed in non-matching colours, has a style that is all over the place, has chosen a fit that isn't flattering or is doing goth or barbie style or cannot walk smoothly/gracefully in high heels. But that is just an observation of their chosen attire. I dont much care about it.

But the brain's evolutional protection system makes me/us fear that my/our presentation will cause myself/us to be cast out and it will take time and a lot of step-wise discovery and practice, to retune.

Why am I a bit reluctant to go full andro-femme? Meaning to don also the beige melange shirt-blouse that hangs in my wardrobe, together with the blue femme pants or with the denim jeans/shorts?
Fear has something to do with it. It is far from skirt-femme or dress-femme and I like the looks of that blouse and it fits rather well, but even so I will need to work up my courage before using it other than private/solo.
It is cowardly.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 06, 2026, 06:31:20 PMFear has something to do with it. It is far from skirt-femme or dress-femme and I like the looks of that blouse and it fits rather well, but even so I will need to work up my courage before using it other than private/solo.
It is cowardly.

Not cowardly or fearful. Do not confuse those with a lack of confidence. Lack of confidence comes from lack of experience. It can feel like fear because we fear the unknown. Yet when we do something routinely, we gain confidence in our ability to handle whatever arises. The unknown part is still there, but it no longer causes fear.

Baby steps. Take your time and do what you are comfortable with. When that becomes easy, push the envelope just a little. Keep doing that and little by little you will gain the confidence to step out boldly and roar, "I AM WOMAN!" Ok, maybe not to that extreme yet.

😁

Thank you, Lori!
I don't know how you do it, but I needed to hear exactly that! 💕

Looking back, there has been some change over the last few months and those have all followed that one step at a time method. Hairstyle, sweatsuit, nails, gym clothing, underdressing, jeans, shorts, trousers of various kinds, sneakers (now looking at flats and slip-ins), skin care, colorless mascara (now looking at brown), ... Those are now a part of me and I don't think much about them but the blouse will need a bit more waiting time. Probably because when I put it on I will be all femme. Not just "a bit of a soft style", not just clothing that is leaning femme and is kind of cloaked by a male shirt. I feel like that blouse will be a bit of a statement.
I will get there, in time.

Thank you!
❤️

I happened to read a post about not being, or not always having been, certain about ones identity, and how there's sometimes doubts and how that can be handled or not.

For me it is a lot about how I perceive myself, mentally.

If I feel like a woman then it is not so important how that feeling came about. If other people see me as a woman or as a femme-ish male is currently a bit less important, and I am definitely not gendered as a woman - but I'm probably not "gendered" as a typical male either, by the people with whom I interact in discussions or socializing. After my acceptance of my transfemme identity, I find that women seem to accept me as kind of an equal-ish partner on those occasions and that is really affirming because I then feel woman-like even though I don't really look the part.
Throwback to my time at the university, where I also was accepted as a kind of equal partner both in the group of girls where my then-to-be wife hung out and in another group of girls that frequented the areas of uni where I mostly was. In hindsight it is quite obvious that I thrived in those settings, enjoyed that company, and my wife also says that I am now (after my transfemme acceptance) much more like I was when we first met. I was probably accepted in those groups because my true identity came shining through even though I did not really know about it at that time.

Does that make me know the gender of my soul intuitively? Perhaps it does? I know that I am a woman on the inside, but one that is more than a little bit tainted by enduring 60 years of male life. I know that I also want to be a woman and that is a total non-issue that follows from finally accepting that I am a woman. I have known or half-known that I want to be a woman all my life, but I did not accept that my identity is female, until a few months ago.

Knowledge, logic, reasoning and proof/evidence is King in the professional domain where I have worked, but for some reason I don't need to apply much of that to myself and to my identity. There are proof points that I can fall back upon but any doubt is very much a pseudo thing and I never truly need to convince myself with logic, about being transfemme.

I know what I am. Perhaps that is what 50 years of suppression while kind of knowing, does? Once that suppression is removed you know things quite clearly? That is the way it feels.

I had no clue that I might be transgender, but there were always signs. I always preferred hanging out with the girls to the boys. Even decades later, I hung out with the wives while the husbands were off on a hunting trip or something. The women even jokingly referred to me as "one of the girls" and would invite me along on a Girls' Night Out or other activity. The husbands were okay with it because they knew I was not a threat and that I would look after them if there was trouble.

It wasn't until many, many years later that therapy helped me to see those signs.

Hindsight is 20/20.

As several others here, I was also in the service though not for very long.
Arctic and sub-arctic army infantry reconnaissance, SGT.
🫡

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 08, 2026, 03:22:49 PMAs several others here, I was also in the service though not for very long.
Arctic and sub-arctic army infantry reconnaissance, SGT.
🫡

Hey Anna!

Thank you for your service. If you feel so inclined, pop over to our Military Confab forum and say hello in our Roll Call thread:
https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=247502.0

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 08, 2026, 12:21:56 PMI happened to read a post about not being, or not always having been, certain about ones identity, and how there's sometimes doubts and how that can be handled or not.

For me it is a lot about how I perceive myself, mentally.

If I feel like a woman then it is not so important how that feeling came about. If other people see me as a woman or as a femme-ish male is currently a bit less important, and I am definitely not gendered as a woman - but I'm probably not "gendered" as a typical male either, by the people with whom I interact in discussions or socializing. After my acceptance of my transfemme identity, I find that women seem to accept me as kind of an equal-ish partner on those occasions and that is really affirming because I then feel woman-like even though I don't really look the part.
Throwback to my time at the university, where I also was accepted as a kind of equal partner both in the group of girls where my then-to-be wife hung out and in another group of girls that frequented the areas of uni where I mostly was. In hindsight it is quite obvious that I thrived in those settings, enjoyed that company, and my wife also says that I am now (after my transfemme acceptance) much more like I was when we first met. I was probably accepted in those groups because my true identity came shining through even though I did not really know about it at that time.

Does that make me know the gender of my soul intuitively? Perhaps it does? I know that I am a woman on the inside, but one that is more than a little bit tainted by enduring 60 years of male life. I know that I also want to be a woman and that is a total non-issue that follows from finally accepting that I am a woman. I have known or half-known that I want to be a woman all my life, but I did not accept that my identity is female, until a few months ago.

Knowledge, logic, reasoning and proof/evidence is King in the professional domain where I have worked, but for some reason I don't need to apply much of that to myself and to my identity. There are proof points that I can fall back upon but any doubt is very much a pseudo thing and I never truly need to convince myself with logic, about being transfemme.

I know what I am. Perhaps that is what 50 years of suppression while kind of knowing, does? Once that suppression is removed you know things quite clearly? That is the way it feels.

This. All of this. ❤️

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 09, 2026, 12:06:58 AMThis. All of this. ❤️

I totally agree

Oh yes.

World Cup. Norway vs England.
Though they have played a nice style, I am not cheering for The three Lions. ;)

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 11, 2026, 04:00:48 PMWorld Cup. Norway vs England.
Though they have played a nice style, I am not cheering for The three Lions. ;)

A Nice style? We've been awful apart from the Mexico game and the Croatia Game. I have no choice but to support them ha ha! we are 2-1 up but I can't say we deserve to go through if it ends like this.

I don't like the slow-tempo, passing for 10 mins and nothing happens. At least, the Lions have been a bit more on the offense that most other teams.
I will root for them, from now on.
The 2nd gold has been 60 years in the making, it's about time.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 12, 2026, 07:08:46 AMI don't like the slow-tempo, passing for 10 mins and nothing happens. At least, the Lions have been a bit more on the offense that most other teams.
I will root for them, from now on.
The 2nd gold has been 60 years in the making, it's about time.

It wasn't even the same trophy last time we won it! Another world cup Argie bargy! I think we have a chance against them, neither of us are firing on all cylinders yet.

For some reason I've not been feeling a lot of "I require more femme things", lately.
I do underdressing, femme/andro shorts, femme/andro sneakers, femme/andro jeans, long(er) nails but only clear polish, skin care routines, longer lashes via serum, clear mascara, ...
I have ordered a brown mascara and a taupe brow-pencil. Will try them on when suitable.
My shirt-blouse is still in the wardrobe, awaiting the right time.

Also: It's almost three weeks 'til next haircut and my hair seems to grow quickly so I am beginning to look a bit scruffy. I'm using Minoxidil but that should not impact growth speed.

What ever keeps you happy dear, go at your own pace. Its not a race!!

At least I went from matte nail polish to gloss, today. Still no colour so a real baby step but one that feels perfectly right.

A reflection on that simple nail polish thing.

Before my transfemme acceptance, I wouldn't have touched nail polish. I have loved long red nails all my life but I wouldn't touch polish. It took more than two months after my transfemme acceptance before I started using polish and then only matte uncolored. Today I switched to glossy uncoloured and it feels just right.

Baby steps, but still steps. Steps so slow I will be 80 before going full out red nails. 😆

Longing —> hesitation —> first experience —> relief —> integration.
(pattern stolen with pride, from @KristaFairchild blog)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANNA!
🥳💐🎂🎈🎉🎁

May you have many, many more to come.

Enjoy your day!

Hugs!

@Finally Anna
Dear Anna:
  Your special day arrives on Monday July 13, 2026

Wishing you you a very Happy Birthday
                      (https://www.susans.org/Smileys/susans/icon_birthday.gif)          (https://www.susans.org/Smileys/susans/icon_birthday.gif)            (https://www.susans.org/Smileys/susans/icon_birthday.gif) 

On your birthday, check your profile for a special gift...
(https://www.susans.org/Themes/default/images/cake.png)  (https://www.susans.org/Themes/default/images/cake.png)  (https://www.susans.org/Themes/default/images/cake.png)
   
Again, wishing you well and enjoy your special day.

Warmest Regards,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
                  (https://i.imgur.com/Zf0pKN3l.jpg)

Thank you!
The sun is shining, the skies are blue and it is +23C.

I got an earthy sage polo from wifey "You need one in a colour that matches your soft side". ❤️

oops! Happy birthday for Yesterday Anna!

Today, @Stottie Girl! :)

Happy birthday my dear.

Happy birthday for today! get the red nails on, its my fav colour.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on July 12, 2026, 10:46:14 PM @Finally Anna (https://www.susans.org/index.php?action=profile;u=72219)
Dear Anna:
   Your special day arrives on Monday July 13, 2026

Might have landed in the wrong thread ;)

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 13, 2026, 02:10:58 AMToday, @Stottie Girl! :)

I stand corrected Anna! Happy Birthday for today! I hope you have a belta of a day!

Happy Birthday, Anna
  Enjoy the red nails, you deserve them.

Quote from: davina61 on July 13, 2026, 02:34:59 AMHappy birthday for today! get the red nails on, its my fav colour.

I love this casual post, Davina! 

Red nails and red lipstick felt like a huge turning point for me and tasted like freedom. It took a long time to be able to glove myself permission. I somehow thought this step would generate stares and comments from random people or those who know me. It only brought a few affirmations. 

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 13, 2026, 07:35:16 AMI somehow thought this step would generate stares and comments from random people or those who know me. It only brought a few affirmations. 

And still we (well, at least I) have this doubt, this fear, this hesitation, about just painting them RED. I wil probably get there in the end, or not, but my pace is a bit slow. I integrate things with the speed that comes naturally to me. No insane speeding. Hopefully not too much braking. As it feels good and natural.

Happy birthday Anna!


Chrissy

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 13, 2026, 10:56:23 AMAnd still we (well, at least I) have this doubt, this fear, this hesitation, about just painting them RED. I wil probably get there in the end, or not, but my pace is a bit slow. I integrate things with the speed that comes naturally to me. No insane speeding. Hopefully not too much braking. As it feels good and natural.

I agree about the process being personal and at the speed you need. I can look back and wish I hasn't taken two years to get beyond simple subtle earrings and nail polish, but I also know that is what I had to do. I tried something, felt overwhelmed at first, waited for my system to accept it, and then I was ready for more. 

People told me I should just get over it and dress any way I wanted. I thought they were either crazy or they didn't understand the deeply conservative area I live in. 

I was wrong on both counts but I still had to find my own pace. 

The great part was it was like my first time on a roller coaster. Terrified to try it. Has good reasons. Tried it. Screamed and felt my bones feel weak. Then got in line to do it again.

In the end, it was so joyous I had to try more things. It hasn't changed, either. Wear a wig?! Who would do that? Would you like 9 reasons not to? I have them. No one is convincing me otherwise. 

Yet

But my feminine soul hopes someone will encourage me. Gently push. Because dammit I love how I feel and look in my favorite wig! 

I can't help but laugh at myself - in a kind way 

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 13, 2026, 01:54:34 PMI agree about the process being personal and at the speed you need. I can look back and wish I hasn't taken two years to get beyond simple subtle earrings and nail polish, but I also know that is what I had to do. I tried something, felt overwhelmed at first, waited for my system to accept it, and then I was ready for more.

People told me I should just get over it and dress any way I wanted. I thought they were either crazy or they didn't understand the deeply conservative area I live in.

I was wrong on both counts but I still had to find my own pace.

The great part was it was like my first time on a roller coaster. Terrified to try it. Has good reasons. Tried it. Screamed and felt my bones feel weak. Then got in line to do it again.

In the end, it was so joyous I had to try more things. It hasn't changed, either. Wear a wig?! Who would do that? Would you like 9 reasons not to? I have them. No one is convincing me otherwise.

Yet

But my feminine soul hopes someone will encourage me. Gently push. Because dammit I love how I feel and look in my favorite wig!

I can't help but laugh at myself - in a kind way

Krista,

It is wonderful to feel so delightful in your appearance.  I mean, for me, I am not one of those beautiful women but I can look nice, at least sometimes!

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on July 13, 2026, 02:39:43 PMKrista,

It is wonderful to feel so delightful in your appearance.  I mean, for me, I am not one of those beautiful women but I can look nice, at least sometimes!

Chrissy

You have such a healthy attitude! I try to focus on my strengths, and to enjoy feeling content with my gender. 

@Finally Anna     cc: @Lori Dee  @ChrissyRyan
Dear Anna:

I fixed the July 13th Happy Birthday Greeting that I posted to you on the wrong thread!
          https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=254324.msg2346447#msg2346447  
     
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  Forum Administrator  Direct Email: alaskandanielle@yahoo.com

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on July 12, 2026, 10:46:14 PM Finally Anna (https://www.susans.org/index.php?action=profile;u=72219)
Dear Anna:
  Your special day arrives on Monday July 13, 2026

Might have landed in the wrong thread ;)

Happy Birthday Anna.

I hope you have a special day

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 13, 2026, 01:54:34 PMThe great part was it was like my first time on a roller coaster. Terrified to try it. Has good reasons. Tried it. Screamed and felt my bones feel weak. Then got in line to do it again.

This is so true!
All the small "roller coasters" I have tried for real have made me get back in line to see if I dreamed or not. Then I buy a life-time ticket. For real means not only solo in front of the mirror.

Slowly and softly, but it makes me happy. And I love roller-coasters, both the real ones and these presentation ones.

Repeat reflection: I feel so good in comparison to how things were before I hatched. Then: "Hurled headlong...down to bottomless perdition". Now: Roller-coasters.

The roller-coasters

Femme things that I need, and that are used all the time with no exceptions:

• Longer hair. It has now grown quite a bit and at next appointment with my hairdresser I will ask for her to start styling it more androgynous.
• Femme-ish and androgynous perfumes (of which some are rather femme). My old male AS/EDT are totally undoable, I just can't use them.
• Shower gels that are femme.
• Long-ish nails with polish
• Gym tights.
• Sweatsuit.

Things that I need and do a lot but that are not strictly required at all times:

• Underdressing, but I think this is going to be "always" quite soon.
• Shorts, jeans and trousers.
• Sneakers in various models.

Things that are on the "looking at you-list":

• Blouses.
• Very light makeup like brown mascara, taupe brow pen, ...
• Shoes (flats, slip-ins).
• Boots with Cuban- or block heel with a bit of height.
• Biker jacket.
• Laser of beard.
• Jewelry.
• Wrist-watch.

Other: Colours!
Shirts and polos with colour, but this is nothing new and has been a part of me forever. Red, orange, pink, yellow, lavender, purple, ... Shorts that are bright blue, orange, red, ...

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 15, 2026, 02:13:14 PMThe roller-coasters

Femme things that I need, and that are used all the time with no exceptions:

• Longer hair. It has now grown quite a bit and at next appointment with my hairdresser I will ask for her to start styling it more androgynous.
• Femme-ish and androgynous perfumes (of which some are rather femme). My old male AS/EDT are totally undoable, I just can't use them.

• Shower gels that are femme.
• Long-ish nails with polish
• Gym tights.
• Sweatsuit.

Things that I need and do a lot but that are not strictly required at all times:

• Underdressing, but I think this is going to be "always" quite soon.
• Shorts, jeans and trousers.
• Sneakers in various models.

Things that are on the "looking at you-list":

• Blouses.
• Very light makeup like brown mascara, taupe brow pen, ...
• Shoes (flats, slip-ins).
• Boots with Cuban- or block heel with a bit of height.
• Biker jacket.
• Laser of beard.
• Jewelry.
• Wrist-watch.

Other: Colours!
Shirts and polos with colour, but this is nothing new and has been a part of me forever. Red, orange, pink, yellow, lavender, purple, ... Shorts that are bright blue, orange, red, ...

What a fun post! I love this wish list and just can't help but respond to almost everything on your bulleted list.

I confess to being jealous about the longer hair idea. My curls just don't grow out the way they used to and I have this unsightly nearly bald patch on top of my head. I did find an amazing affirming stylist by searching for one using AI. She does the best she can with my hair and it definitely looks great for what it is. Unfortunately, what it is is a plea for a nice wig! LOL! I haven't posted any photos with my real hair in here.

I had a ball with perfumes when I first started transitioning. I very carefully found ones that could pass as male or female, but Tameeh smelled feminine or they were meant for women, even though they smelled neutral. It  was another fun research project. 

I recall, transitioning, my slacks, jeans, and shorts to female. At first, they were nearly in distinguishable from my male counterparts. After about a year in cute feminine shorts, I was going to scream if I didn't put on a skirt. 

I laughed at your make up list because it's so like mine was. Brown mascara? Check. Top eyebrow pencil that could barely be seen? Check – but it did bring my eyebrows to life. Where is the new lipstick? LOL! Foundation that match my skin was an essential. It made me wonder why all genders don't wear foundation, Especially at my age. From there, it was so easy to just add a touch of blush of the lightest shade. Enjoy. 

I have to dress up a little bit at work so for shoes I first moved to women's loafers that could pass as men's. The next step was ankle boots and I was in love. I had a little gray ones with slightly pointy toes and then I impulsively bought the blush colored ones. 

I think it was the earrings that changed my life, the most. From tiny studs to tiny hoops to studs that almost dangled to true dangling earrings. I slowly added color and flare until I looked in the mirror and saw that I was trans. 

Thanks again for this fun post. 

I have not been very dysphoric lately, and not been craving much femininity, but today we have super-nice summer weather and there are so many women in summer dresses and that makes me be a bit more dysphoric/euphoric/longing. Hair, curves, legs, shapes, shoes, dresses, skirts, shorts, ...

Realities. Fears. Needs. Choices. 

I hope you find joy and peace today. 

I will be ok. Was just that streak of envy when in town.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 16, 2026, 11:01:40 AMI will be ok. Was just that streak of envy when in town.

@Finally Anna
Dear Anna;
Please know that you are not alone with your thoughts of envy when looking at other women

Your readers and followers are like-minded and I feel safe in telling you that just about ALL trans women and also trans men have those very same feelings during the journey, especially in the early transition year(s)

I wish you happiness and success as you continue on in your life journey.

Many HUGS,
Danielle

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 16, 2026, 11:01:40 AMI will be ok. Was just that streak of envy when in town.

Watch them and instead of letting envy take hold use that experience to learn from them. What are they wearing, how are they wearing it, are they the same age as you and are outfits like that age appropriate, how are they walking, what colours are in etc etc etc. There is so much to learn from them that you might find there isn't enough room for envy to creep in.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 16, 2026, 12:02:36 PMWatch them and instead of letting evy take hold use that experience to learn from them

Oh, I try to do that a lot but now and then I just get a bit overwhelmed by pure and raw gender envy.

Just venting, no real problem right now.

And...while my gender envy is a rather contant companion it is mostly just this slight envy-longing that appreciates and wants without really causing "pain".
But today was painful for a while.
I find that it helps to do a bit of meta-level thinking. "I am now thinking about being envious...".
It also helps a bit to relate to how things were before my acceptance. Then, apart from the envy, I also had these periods of quite unmentionable things that were really unhealthy (psychologically and physically) and those seem to be thing of the past. I really hope they will never, ever return.

And I do appreciate all of you in here. You ARE a shining light and what you do IS helping. 💕

I think we are all envious at least occassionally.

I know a lot of women who are envious too.

Especially mothers watching their daughters grow into young women, thinking about what time does to ones self.

Instead of envy try to think of it as admiration.

It is a bit like being in a kind of No man's Land. Maybe I wrote that before? Anyway, while I know that I really want to be a woman, am a woman, I am probably not fully there yet (mentally). But I am definitely not still a man and that is very obvious to me. So, for the time being it leaves me in an in-between state. Maybe that is my destination, to not fully embrace the female role and style? Or maybe it is just a temporary plateau and there is more to come? Or perhaps it is the combination of rather newly accepting a trans identity while also being very careful in not unecessarily ruining a beautiful marriage and not being all convinced about going full out with the social transition? Or a combination of all those? Or maybe being close to my real identity?

Questions, questions, ... and I know that there are no definite answers and I know that it is all about living the life, following the paths that evolve and being true enough to be happy.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

I think I need to be a bit more strict about my eating. The summer has so many temptations in eating out, having a couple of glasses, ice-cream and other less suitable things.

I absolutely must shave off a number of kilos and I want to see continuous results. Getting down to a 32" waist is definitely possible and perhaps even 30" could be reachable but then I risk looking a touch anorectic and that is not a very flattering look on an oldtimer.
Time will tell, but I am a bit unhappy with myself for being sloppy with the eating for a while.
Get your act together, Anna! 😉

I have a 24 inch waist and look healthy because I walk three rounds of golf a week.
The exercise from golfing helped me go from 28 to 25 inches, and after a while, 24 inches.

Marion

A 24" waist is super-small. Do you also have a bit of hip width?

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 18, 2026, 05:02:21 AMIt is a bit like being in a kind of No man's Land. Maybe I wrote that before? Anyway, while I know that I really want to be a woman, am a woman, I am probably not fully there yet (mentally). But I am definitely not still a man and that is very obvious to me. So, for the time being it leaves me in an in-between state. Maybe that is my destination, to not fully embrace the female role and style? Or maybe it is just a temporary plateau and there is more to come? Or perhaps it is the combination of rather newly accepting a trans identity while also being very careful in not unecessarily ruining a beautiful marriage and not being all convinced about going full out with the social transition? Or a combination of all those? Or maybe being close to my real identity?

Questions, questions, ... and I know that there are no definite answers and I know that it is all about living the life, following the paths that evolve and being true enough to be happy.

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"

Of COURSE I'm replying to this, right? 🤣❤️

We are on such similar tracks, though my wife is making it a little easier on me. No promises from her though, and lots of fear and doubt about our future.

I have said everything you are saying. I said it every week for months, closer to every day. Who exactly am I? Who do I want to be? Is this a choice? How can I be myself and not blow up the life I've built and loved for decades? Or maybe is not "how", but just "can I"?

I'll reply differently than before when you've shared your feelings of doubt and question. Not that anything I've said before isn't true, but as you may know, the feelings vary. This is the experience I'm having now.

It swept me away like a girl at a ball. It grabbed my hand gently yet insistently and led me to the dance floor. It smiled into my eyes and was achingly beautiful. It held me close and whispered in my ear until tears streamed down my cheeks and then it laughed and we DANCED! With time, my awkwardness turned into confidence. I laughed too and saw that I was different than the wallflower I had been. I was no longer dressed in earth tones, but in jewel tones. I was spun in circles and felt joy. Then I danced alone but not all alone, because others danced and saw me. They really saw me! And midnight did NOT come.

There came a time when the joy outran the fear.

When the sweet aching need to be fully myself could no longer be refused.

When my body said gently and clearly that of if I didn't wear a skirt it was going on strike.

And I stopped wringing my hands, smiled a tentative smile, and put on the skirt.

Six months ago I asked questions without finding answers. My body demanded v-neck blouses for the first time and that I wore obvious - and ever so lovely - shades of lipstick for the first time.  Once every week or two I left for a meeting dressed as a person who was not female but not quite male. After that meeting, trembling in my car, I dressed fully female. Wig, breast forms, skirt, shoes, makeup. And I raced into a trans gathering.

I found alone time to take photos of myself as I truly wanted to be and saw someone in there photos.

Me.

I'm even more free, now Anna, I'm so happy! I've worn more skirts than anything else for two weeks. I like myself in red lipstick and it turns out that others agree. Both my cute pairs of sandals show my painted red toes that often match my nails. No style, size, or shape of earrings are out-of-bounds. I've walked down the street as fully myself with more joy than fear. It stopped being a trial or performance and became a dance of love.

My old name is steadily retreating as more coworkers and friends see in my email signature that I'm using two names. They often choose to call me Krista. I've never used the other name in Susan's. It's dying.

I appreciate that I've been swept away into joy. I've tracked this with a journal and watched it happen. The journey has been hard and may become even harder. The future is mysterious and unknowable. I do known I'm trans. I know my nails will stay pretty and my legs will dance in my skirt. My wig demands to be worn and I'm so DONE with fighting myself. My breasts will either grow or prosthetic ones will provide my true shape. $200 gets me a series of voice lessons.

And everyone around me will have to hang on tight and enjoy the ride! Almost all of them love me as much or more as Krista, because they feel my joy.

For one more analogy, in our neighbor there is an interesting tree phenomenon. We plant trees and at first they do well in the rock topsoil deposited by the Sacramento River thousands of years ago when it flowed and flooded over our land.

Then the trees stop growing. They encounter the barrier of the hard rock that was too deep to be altered by the ancient river. The tree stagnates.

Its roots thicken. They sneak into cracks in the rock and break through until all of sudden the tree reaches water and grows again! Its leaves get bigger and glossier! The stagnant sapling grows into a lovely shade tree. It was slow. It was also inevitable. 

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 18, 2026, 06:38:49 AMI think I need to be a bit more strict about my eating. The summer has so many temptations in eating out, having a couple of glasses, ice-cream and other less suitable things.

I absolutely must shave off a number of kilos and I want to see continuous results. Getting down to a 32" waist is definitely possible and perhaps even 30" could be reachable but then I risk looking a touch anorectic and that is not a very flattering look on an oldtimer.
Time will tell, but I am a bit unhappy with myself for being sloppy with the eating for a while.
Get your act together, Anna! 😉

I switched from soda and juice to flavored 0 cal sparkling water and lost over 2" off my waistline. I'm 31" according to the tape but wear 30" and they can be loose. 

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 18, 2026, 07:18:32 AMA 24" waist is super-small. Do you also have a bit of hip width?

This a good point. Hips affect the perception of waist size. I have much I can do about except hope HRT helps. Those pads look fake on me 

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 18, 2026, 08:16:36 AMOf COURSE I'm replying to this, right? 🤣❤️

And I love your reply (no surprise, is it ;) ). 💕 It is poetic and grounded, at the same time.

I honestly don't know how much femininity I will crave, how much woman I will need to be. The first 2-3 months after my acceptance felt like more of a small explosion of things, and the last month more like nothing new. But the nothing new is not a steady-state, and looking in my journal it is obvious that the small roller-coaster rides happen all the time. I now do underdressing almost every day and I shave almost every day and I use my male shorts/trousers only when I feel it is required. Which reminds me to buy a pair of straight-leg jeans in dark blue and also a pair of femme chinos. Wide-legged soft light-blue jeans are nice at times, but straight-leg dark blue are more age appropriate and I don't want to give the impression of weird clothing.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 18, 2026, 08:16:36 AMWe are on such similar tracks, though my wife is making it a little easier on me.

My wife isn't making any fuzz at all. As I wrote earlier she has very, very clearly said that she wants me to do what I need to do to be happy.
She knows that I have had some kind of psychological "pains" before my trans acceptance though she does not know the details and I will probably never tell her. She knows that I will not go back, cannot go back, that I don't even want to go back. And she is supportive, but also has (or at least had) some fears about her own attraction to me should I become a lot more female. She does most of the laundry and all my clothes are in there so she sees what I am wearing even if she does not see me getting in or out of those clothes. She knows that my sweatpants, cargo pants, shorts, lightweight wide-leg trousers, colourful linen trousers and wide-ish legged jeans are all women's models. She knows my sneakers are women's models. She of course knows my nails are long-ish (she sees them and feels them ;) ). A comment the other day: "You have longer nails than I have". I guess she sees my glossy but uncoloured nail polish. She knows I have tried on a few of her skirts, meaning the longer boho-ish ones with elastic waist, that fit me. It could of course be a coincidence but a couple of weeks ago she had left one or two skirts on her side of the bed, when off to work, on a couple of occasions.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 18, 2026, 08:19:00 AMI switched from soda and juice to flavored 0 cal sparkling water and lost over 2" off my waistline. I'm 31" according to the tape but wear 30" and they can be loose.

Sub 30 inches on me? That is not happening, but though I am not very muscular and certainly not anywhere near obese I'm still 48" around my chest below (inside) my arms so I will be rather v-shaped also with a 32" waist. What I don't have is wider hips, but that is the inheritance of being amab.
I hardly ever eat or drink anything that is very sugary and only in small amounts if I do. I don't like the taste. And I do lose about 2 kg/month automagically if I just behave myself reasonably well wrt eating.

New avatar. Obviously not a photo of me but an AI-feminized version based on a photo of me and with strict prompting about not doing unrealistic changes, not doing ffs and not doing a lot of studio-glam. So, the basic bone structure, eyes, hair colour are mine.
Of course, with AI it tends to be a bit better than reality could be even with strict prompting but it gives a hint of what I could have been had I come out a bit earlier and gone the hrt way.

It's beautiful, Anna.

I think it also shows off your personality. Very fitting and as beautiful as you are.

Yeah that photo is amazing!!!

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 18, 2026, 07:18:32 AMA 24" waist is super-small. Do you also have a bit of hip width?

Hips are 34 inches. I can wear pretty much any style with a natural hourglass figure.

Marion

Anna,


I like your hair and your face.  Very feminine.



Chrissy

Gorgeous photo Anna.

Oh your photo is pretty. You look lovely. I only see them if I turn my phone so glad others pointed it out too 🙂

There are signs that say that I am still learning, not yet having automatic handling of some things.
Colour stains on the kitchen table after grandkids have been painting things, so I got the acetone (100% pure) to remove the stains. Well, the nail polish was also removed quite swiftly. 🙃
But that was a reason to file them down a little bit and apply new polish. Clear (uncoloured) glossy polish.  Should probably do a second layer later.

I learnt the hard way to wear gloves when I'm cleaning with acetone.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 19, 2026, 05:29:38 AMThere are signs that say that I am still learning, not yet having automatic handling of some things.
Colour stains on the kitchen table after grandkids have been painting things, so I got the acetone (100% pure) to remove the stains. Well, the nail polish was also removed quite swiftly. 🙃
But that was a reason to file them down a little bit and apply new polish. Clear (uncoloured) glossy polish.  Should probably do a second layer later.

Polish is a nice to have on.  A nail fining block can put on a shine to some extent.  There are four sides of "grit" on each rectangular block.

I sometimes use clear and more often, red polish.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 18, 2026, 09:17:25 AMNew avatar. Obviously not a photo of me but an AI-feminized version based on a photo of me and with strict prompting about not doing unrealistic changes, not doing ffs and not doing a lot of studio-glam. So, the basic bone structure, eyes, hair colour are mine.
Of course, with AI it tends to be a bit better than reality could be even with strict prompting but it gives a hint of what I could have been had I come out a bit earlier and gone the hrt way.

Looking good Anna. It's never to late you know. HRT can still work wonders for us older ladies.

I use a pink-tinted clear polish. Two coats and then a matt polish to finish. The matt wears off slowly over a couple  of days leaving a very natural, well-groomed look.

Quote from: Christina152 on July 19, 2026, 07:02:08 AMI use a pink-tinted clear polish. Two coats and then a matt polish to finish. The matt wears off slowly over a couple  of days leaving a very natural, well-groomed look.

I will try that, Christina. But using only clear glossy is also nice. I have more or less stopped caring about what other people think about it. So what if I like glossy and long-ish nails...

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 19, 2026, 11:04:14 AMSo what if I like glossy and long-ish nails...

Exactly.

Very very early in my transition, I was experimenting with nail polish. I had to replace my phone, and when the FedEx driver delivered it, the driver noticed my nails as I was signing for the package.

She said she liked my nails, then stopped, looked at my deadname, looked at me, and said, "Oh." I felt a little embarrassed, so I asked her if she had grandkids. She said she did. I said my granddaughter enjoys painting my nails. What grandparent of any sex would deny their granddaughter that?

After that, my attitude became "so what?" If I don't have an issue with it, why should you?

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 19, 2026, 11:04:14 AMI will try that, Christina. But using only clear glossy is also nice. I have more or less stopped caring about what other people think about it. So what if I like glossy and long-ish nails...

That is nice. But I daren't push my luck too far. My wife has already commented on my longer than normal nails. My toenails are  a glossy pink but that's explained by being 'antifungal treatment'

Oh, my wife also commented, "I think you have longer nails than I have", as a kind of soft observation. But I am out to her so she knows about my transfemme identity. I don't have really long nails but perhaps they are 2(3) mm longer than the fingers and with squoval shape and there is a very obvious natural grey/white tip.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 18, 2026, 05:02:21 AMIt is a bit like being in a kind of No man's Land. Maybe I wrote that before? Anyway, while I know that I really want to be a woman, am a woman, I am probably not fully there yet (mentally). But I am definitely not still a man and that is very obvious to me. So, for the time being it leaves me in an in-between state. Maybe that is my destination, to not fully embrace the female role and style? Or maybe it is just a temporary plateau and there is more to come? Or perhaps it is the combination of rather newly accepting a trans identity while also being very careful in not unecessarily ruining a beautiful marriage and not being all convinced about going full out with the social transition? Or a combination of all those? Or maybe being close to my real identity?

I think I replied to this before but forgot to send so here goes again. :-)

Maybe it helps you same as it helped me, to first figure out for yourself your actual truth. To do that, you could try to imagine a parallel universe where there were absolutely no negative social consequences to whatever you want to be. Who would you want be in this world?

If you can get that figured out first, you can then better distinguish between who you wish to be, and the compromises you are willing to make for the sake of your loved ones. A good base to move forward with honesty.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 18, 2026, 08:16:36 AMOf COURSE I'm replying to this, right? 🤣❤️

I loved reading that! <3

Quote from: Valerie.Val on July 20, 2026, 04:21:43 AMtry to imagine a parallel universe where there were absolutely no negative social consequences to whatever you want to be. Who would you want be in this world?

I think I have that one fairly well imagined and I'd be the "real" Anna with all that comes with it. And I'd have been the "real" Anna since forever. So, my slow, glacial, pace is about the social things, about the femme pull not being super-strong (my dysphoria is low-ish) and about me being a bit old.

I usually wear bright pink nail polish.  😀

Think of the movie Legally Blonde.
If you can't see my nail polish you are legally blind.

I know a legally blind ham radio operator.
Amazingly enough, he builds his own equipment!

Quote from: Valerie.Val on July 20, 2026, 04:21:43 AMI think I replied to this before but forgot to send so here goes again. :-)

Maybe it helps you same as it helped me, to first figure out for yourself your actual truth. To do that, you could try to imagine a parallel universe where there were absolutely no negative social consequences to whatever you want to be. Who would you want be in this world?

If you can get that figured out first, you can then better distinguish between who you wish to be, and the compromises you are willing to make for the sake of your loved ones. A good base to move forward with honesty.

Absolutely a woman, no doubt in my mind at all. Just as well I AM a woman😉

One needs to be clear about all of this, and good therapy can bring out much clarity.
While it is not possible to change your birth sex and chromosomes, except perhaps your sex as noted in documentation, you can live your life, to various degrees, as if you were born with the correct sex.  However, one should be clear as to what that means for you.

People generally seem to not fully understand why a woman would "all the sudden" would want to be a man, or vice versa.  Well, it is atypical to be an "all the sudden" situation, many of us have thought about all of this for a long time.  At least, I think so.

Crossdressers can enjoy many of the pleasantries related to expressing themselves.
Transsexuals are beyond that, they realize that they have the wrong bodies.

I wish so much I was born with the correct body and was raised as female.  Then I would have had many of those life experiences I SHOULD HAVE HAD. 

I am trying to live as the true me.  I can work and be accepted by my coworkers as me.  A woman.

In just a little bit, I will get ready for the workday.  I will have that essential makeup on, my bra and camisole on, my soft panties, my blouse and skirt, and nice shoes.  Purse and bracelet and necklace.  Pretty nails.  All of that is nice but being accepted as me is so, so important. 

Do have a wonderful day everyone.  Be grateful for what you have and try to make someone's day with a genuine compliment and kindness. 

Hugs,

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on July 20, 2026, 07:35:37 AMPeople generally seem to not fully understand why a woman would "all the sudden" would want to be a man, or vice versa.  Well, it is atypical to be an "all the sudden" situation, many of us have thought about all of this for a long time.  At least, I think so.

People other than trans persons cannot really understand this. They can logically understand that body and brain develop in certain ways in the womb and they can understand that there can be a mismatch, but they can't fully grasp what it means. Also a part of the equation is that being a trans person is not a black/white thing like how it is often depicted in media. While we absolutely can be binary in our amab or afab transsexuality, we are still on a wide spectrum when it comes to how and "how much" we need to transition or integrate or express.

This inability to understand all aspects is also what makes it be "all of a sudden" from their point of view. I can just look at myself as an example. In retrospect I have kind of suspected, possibly even half-known, for almost all my life. At least since I was around 13-14 yo. But I have not been very dysphoric and so I have been able to live a normal and good cis-male life up until the point when I just couldn't anymore. And this is seen as "all of a sudden" for everyone but me.

My story seems very similar, Anna. I lived without gender worries for a very long time and it only became an issue as I started to experience what better could actually be. But then I never tied myself to male gender norms, wearing and styling myself as I wished despite being a man up to recently. Also generally relating better to women and the kind of groups and conversations they had. But then massive euphoria from actually considering the idea of transitioning; an eyes open kind of moment, then the past made sense in more than a few ways.

Being agender to at least some degree makes it even more hard for some to comprehend too. The idea that gender is personal and maybe more linked to wellbeing than anything else.

My wife thought I was autistic.  Turns out that if I present female it is far easier for me to socialize! I can pick up and respond to nonverbal social interactions faster than I can think about it!

Quote from: Maid Marion on July 20, 2026, 12:16:35 PMMy wife thought I was autistic.  Turns out that if I present female it is far easier for me to socialize! I can pick up and respond to nonverbal social interactions faster than I can think about it!

That sounds good Marion, about you being able to socialize more!


Chrissy

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 19, 2026, 11:04:14 AMI have more or less stopped caring about what other people think about it.

☝️👩👍

My hair is getting longer. This is easily the longest it has been in about 43 years and of course people notice and ask/comment. My answer: Well, my soft side is finally getting a bit of say in the expression. Those who know me well know that I am a really soft person, deep inside.

Now my hair is curling back a bit in the nape, tickling my ears a bit (nice feeling!). The front is reaching almost to the bottom of my nose if I comb it that way, but receding hairline and a bit of thinning makes it half-impossible to sport a really nice andro hairstyle with bangs or face framing lengths. Other than those T-effects there is plenty of hair.
Appointment with my hairdresser next week. She will get the "Start making it androgynous, as it is possible with respect to growth". ✂️

I miss the hair of my youth. Thick, wavy (it is still wavy), blonde.

Speaking of hair. Both daughters happened to visit yesterday, for different reasons.
One gave me a rather sizeable gift voucher from them both (my b-day a week ago) for a mens/womens clothes shop, with the message: "Happy b-day! For your new style".
Later, the other joked about my hair "Maybe you are getting a ponytail?"

Hmmm, hmmm, ... daughters and understanding about things. They have seen the hair, they should have noticed long-ish polished nails, they have seen sweatpants, shorts, trousers, sneakers. May have picked up on my andro-femme perfumes. Separately all those things are just things, but taken together they could begin to tell a story to those that are open and perceptive.

Normalisation, or The perceptions are a-changing.
The blouse that hangs in my closet and that earlier was more than a bit hard to look at was tried on again today, in front of the mirror. Not too shabby! But perhaps not my preferred colour and perhaps not my preferred fabric.
Still not ok to wear but getting there.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 24, 2026, 01:54:03 PMNormalisation, or The perceptions are a-changing.
The blouse that hangs in my closet and that earlier was more than a bit hard to look at was tried on again today, in front of the mirror. Not too shabby! But perhaps not my preferred colour and perhaps not my preferred fabric.
Still not ok to wear but getting there.

My feminine things kept calling to me. I told them to stop it. They didn't. 

About a month ago I wore a skirt to work. No one saw me. Then someone did and they didn't even seem to notice. 

I wore it again. Damn skirts feel good! Then I bought a basic no frills tennis skirt and went hiking with a buddy. 

Damn skirts kept calling to me! So I placated them buy going into a store and buying a soda. 


So Anna, don't listen! 🤣🤣🤣

Sometimes I wonder if my wife really understands that I am a woman on the inside?
She has not asked about things or shown any dislike, but she does show likes and appreciation about some things, since that very tough conversation some weeks ago when I told her that I want to be a woman and would choose to be a woman if I could, that it is important to me that I feel at least a bit female on the inside, in my own mind, even if I express it only very subtly on the outside. That I need to do whatever I need to do, to get that feeling.

She should know, from me expressing that I have a transfemme side even if I dont outright stated that I am transfemme, from that really tough conversation, from me finally letting myself be the soft, sensitive and caring person that I really am and that she loves dearly.
She knows and sees my underdressing and of course knows and feels my femme-ish perfumes and sees that I use femme or andro trousers, shorts and sneakers almost all the time. And she certainly connects the dots when it comes to my longer hairstyle even if it is not a femme hairstyle.

What she does not know is that my female persona has a name, Anna. That is perhaps not revealed until I need to really be Anna to the world. A thing to find out, with time.

Hairdresser tomorrow. I think I'll ask if she can make my hairstyle become more androgynous.
So far it is just four months of growth from a very short style, but it has about the same naturally flowy and wavy style as in my youth (I guess it would look a bit like my avatar if it grows to that length, but probably more wavy). It is now well onto the collar in the nape but not yet down to my shoulders, and some 12-14 cm on top. The receding hairline and the thinning are the things that might make an andro-femme style less aesthetic, even if neither of them is super problematic. There is a lot of hair still and it seems to grow quickly and I also use Minox to counter the thinning.
Well, after tomorrow I'll know what my hairdresser thinks. She is skilled and very open-minded and will probably have ideas.

You look too young to have a granddaughter

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 19, 2026, 11:25:17 AMI said my granddaughter enjoys painting my nails. What grandparent of any sex would deny their granddaughter that?

But I have been using the same reason for the past summers. My kids (boy and girl) loved to paint their nails and we would all get together and paint all of our nails, feet and hands. Both of them love it. While I would paint their nails a different color  each (or as they wanted) I would choose a single color for hands and another for feet. Colleagues noticed, asked, told them about my kids and never asked again.
So, this gave me a great reason to have my nails painted and my wife just went on with it...and we still don't know why, the polish in my kids would dissapear in 10 days or so, but mine would be as good as new for over 2 months...what a pity ☺️

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 22, 2026, 12:36:19 AMMay have picked up on my andro-femme perfumes

...if you don't mind, which one are you using?. I am having trouble in finding one that convinces me.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 22, 2026, 12:36:19 AMSeparately all those things are just things, but taken together they could begin to tell a story to those that are open and perceptive.

.
Agree, but I feel that if added bit by bit, small changes are accepted as normal by your surroundings. The issue comes when you change your environment and people just see all at once.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 27, 2026, 04:05:20 AMHairdresser tomorrow. I think I'll ask if she can make my hairstyle become more androgynous.

Go for it!. It has been already three years with the hair growing and now I love my long hair. I still enjoy feeling it on my back. One more step...then another.
Last time I went to the hairdresser, as I have long hair I went to a woman's one and really enjoyed it. As not many men go (I am not out yet), it was all pink and girly and I loved it.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 27, 2026, 04:05:20 AMHairdresser tomorrow. I think I'll ask if she can make my hairstyle become more androgynous.
So far it is just four months of growth from a very short style, but it has about the same naturally flowy and wavy style as in my youth (I guess it would look a bit like my avatar if it grows to that length, but probably more wavy). It is now well onto the collar in the nape but not yet down to my shoulders, and some 12-14 cm on top. The receding hairline and the thinning are the things that might make an andro-femme style less aesthetic, even if neither of them is super problematic. There is a lot of hair still and it seems to grow quickly and I also use Minox to counter the thinning.
Well, after tomorrow I'll know what my hairdresser thinks. She is skilled and very open-minded and will probably have ideas.

You could ask her to just trim it for a pixie cut or boxie if it's long enough. They can be styled male if need be but you can style it ultra femme when you want to do it. My hair is long enough for a pixie now I think but I'm trapped at my parents. I can't wait to have the freedom to have a go myself. Female hairstyling is still something that I have no clue about but I cannot wait to switch to my real hair as soon as it's feasible. I will replicate my wig cut though once it's long enough, I think I suit it.

Quote from: Anne_lifetrip on July 27, 2026, 06:19:53 AM...if you don't mind, which one are you using?. I am having trouble in finding one that convinces me.

I probably have too many perfumes and I select depending on how andro or femme I want to be. All are light, dry-ish and more or less flowery scents. The classic femme perfumes that are sweet-heavy-vanilla style are not for me.

Jo Malone: Sage and Sea salt (andro), Wild Bluebell (andro-femme), English Pear and Freesia (femme).
Clean: Skin (andro) and Warm Cotton (andro, but will read a touch femme)
Byredo perfume oils: Mojave ghost (andro-femme), Rose of no man's land (femme).
Byredo perfume: Bal d'Afrique (andro).
CK One: Classic andro perfume from the 90s. This is the most androgynous scent that I have.

The femme ones are still possible to use even though I don't present femme, just that I layer them a bit subtly with one of the other scents. Jo Malone tends to be a bit volatile so need a refresher to last the whole day.

Quote from: Anne_lifetrip on July 27, 2026, 06:19:53 AMGo for it!. It has been already three years with the hair growing and now I love my long hair. I still enjoy feeling it on my back. One more step...then another.
Last time I went to the hairdresser, as I have long hair I went to a woman's one and really enjoyed it. As not many men go (I am not out yet), it was all pink and girly and I loved it.

My hairdresser is woman and the salon is primarily for women, but they also do men's hair.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 27, 2026, 07:41:14 AMYou could ask her to just trim it for a pixie cut or boxie if it's long enough. They can be styled male if need be but you can style it ultra femme when you want to do it.

My hair is easily long enough for this style (https://www.stylist.co.uk/_next/image?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.stylist.co.uk%2Fapp%2Fuploads%2F2025%2F01%2Fgettyimages-1491052816-crop-1737713441-1350x1350.jpg&w=3840&q=85) but I cannot do straight hair unless I want to spend my mornings with the hair straightening iron and lots of spray.
It is more like this (https://i.pinimg.com/control1/1200x/f6/f1/a6/f6f1a642da78102b47e8fb68357bba40.jpg) and I am very close to that length and with just those natural waves and flow, but with salt-n-pepper colour of course, so I'll probably start out a bit like that. After that, time will tell.

I do like the pixie (and shixie, bixie) style, but I am totally fed up with tapered or tight napes and sides. I want longer hair while I still have the growth. :)

@Finally Anna I prefer the second style anyway Anna. Salt and pepper hair colour on that will probably look pretty cool I think, go for it!

I agree I like the second but both are great! Mine is just long and straight it refuses to curl in anyway.

I need my hairstyle to be ok for my not-yet-transitioned life path but also femme-ish enough to satisfy my inner woman's need and aesthetics.

So, with my natural waves and flow it is the second picture's style that is my "base camp", but I will let my hairdresser have ideas. I express the feeling I want and we look at pictures of various styles. Then she knows what I want and what is possible to do with my hair.

I started growing my hair out after my sister's wedding in 2000. I have had it long since. I just keep it in a low pony tail and I do get Ma'am sometimes but If I need to present as a male to pay for things or give my very male name I will just say its sir. I am single so this may not work for you.

I'm a person who values words, clarity, and conversations though I do know that actions can speak louder than words.

Recently my wife said that I should know after all these years what she enjoys sexually.

I don't. She doesn't make pleasurable sounds unless she orgasms. She does not tell me. I've asked.

so when you describe what she should know but have said clearly...um...yeah.

"
She should know, from me expressing that I have a transfemme side even if I don't outright stated that I AM transfemme"

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 27, 2026, 10:18:56 PMwhen you describe what she should know but have said clearly...um...yeah.

Krista!
I needed to reply, didn't I!? ❤️
She has heard me say that I want to be a woman, would choose to be a woman if I could, that I have a transfemme part (that was 2 months ago) and she sees what she sees. So, she knows all of it except maybe she has not understood/accepted that I am female on the inside, that my identity let out after 60 years makes me be female on the inside. Not a very feminine female, but still.
💕

Quote from: Stottie Girl on July 27, 2026, 04:08:05 PMI prefer the second style anyway Anna. Salt and pepper hair colour on that will probably look pretty cool I think, go for it!

Told my hairdresser that I want it to go towards a more androgynous style "because that is more me". Still, it will be that flow style with waves since that is how my hair grows.
So only dusting, a bit of thinning and a bit of point cut, and a little bit of shortening below temples and mid nape to make the sides of the nape not be all over the place.

My wife's comment: You have not cut much, have you? I think it is either too long or too short (referring to the sides, where the hair is now hanging a bit over the ears).
Not the reaction of my dreams, but I hope she will get used to it. It will grow a bit longer, so perhaps things will turn out well in the end. I do want her to find my style attractive, it is important to me since she is very important to me. My wife gets her hair done by the same person so they will probably talk about my haircut at their next appointment. ☺️

To be continued...

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 28, 2026, 03:57:47 AMKrista!
I needed to reply, didn't I!? ❤️
She has heard me say that I want to be a woman, would choose to be a woman if I could, that I have a transfemme part (that was 2 months ago) and she sees what she sees. So, she knows all of it except maybe she has not understood/accepted that I am female on the inside, that my identity let out after 60 years makes me be female on the inside. Not a very feminine female, but still.
💕

My interpretation, maybe way off , is she could think this is your choice. 

I don't know about you, but if felt like I had a "choice", I would not take the hard road of transitioning. It's who I am - and my wife knows that. 

I also wonder if matters to our wives. Choice or not, they face something few wives ever will. 

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 28, 2026, 05:10:18 AMTold my hairdresser that I want it to go towards a more androgynous style "because that is more me". Still, it will be that flow style with waves since that is how my hair grows.
So only dusting, a bit of thinning and a bit of point cut, and a little bit of shortening below temples and mid nape to make the sides of the nape not be all over the place.

My wife's comment: You have not cut much, have you? I think it is either too long or too short (referring to the sides, where the hair is now hanging a bit over the ears).
Not the reaction of my dreams, but I hope she will get used to it. It will grow a bit longer, so perhaps things will turn out well in the end. I do want her to find my style attractive, it is important to me since she is very important to me. My wife gets her hair done by the same person so they will probably talk about my haircut at their next appointment. ☺️

To be continued...

I might smirk and say "My hair is in transition, too"

MY hair is about to under a wig most days. 

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 28, 2026, 08:06:02 AMMy interpretation, maybe way off , is she could think this is your choice.
I don't know about you, but if felt like I had a "choice", I would not take the hard road of transitioning. It's who I am - and my wife knows that.
I also wonder if matters to our wives. Choice or not, they face something few wives ever will.

Our wives do not have an enviable situation and if they can still find love for us after transition or even after "only" lots of integration and no transition, then they are worth exactly all and everything (of course, they are worth all that regardless of whether they can cope or not).

I can rather safely assume that my wife knows how this works. A month back, when I really came out to her, she asked "Do you actually want to be a woman?" and I said "Yes, if I could choose then I would want to, but I cannot really choose because I have the shape and body that I have". She must have understood about my state of mind/identity because she said that she feared her own attraction if I had surgeries. In her own words: "If you get breasts, if my husband gets breasts, what will I think?".

At that time I said that I will try to find out how much I really need and that I will not do things unless I really think i have to, need to. I will stand by that, but both she and I knows that we don't know and we agreed that we take the future as it comes. I try to not go sky high unless I really must and she will try to accept things for as long as she can - and she is certain to voice her opinions if she has issues (I have learned that the practical way...)

I am not super dysphoric about my male body, but have always been quite bodily euphoric about a female body. I do get the odd streak of body dysphoria but not that often. So, it feels like I may have a choice. I guess I will know for sure in a year or so, but if I had to answer right now I'd say that I possibly, even probably, can be ok with "only" a lot of female integration but without actual physical transition. I hope I can be ok with that. I will try to be ok with that. Because I do not want to disrupt things even more, unless I really need to.
The absolutely non-negotiable thing is that I will not under any circumstances put myself into a state like it was before I hatched, 'cause that means a slippery slope towards catastrophe.

About transition: The waiting time to even get a diagnosis is some 3+ years here, so any transitional arrangements faster than that is diy via internet and I don't fancy that method for reasons of realiability, hassle and guaranteed supply. If I ever transition physically, then it is not to get sick from unsuitable levels or wobbly supply.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 28, 2026, 08:56:30 AMOur wives do not have an enviable situation and if they can still find love for us after transition or even after "only" lots of integration and no transition, then they are worth exactly all and everything (of course, they are worth all that regardless of whether they can cope or not).

I can rather safely assume that my wife knows how this works. A month back, when I really came out to her, she asked "Do you actually want to be a woman?" and I said "Yes, if I could choose then I would want to, but I cannot really choose because I have the shape and body that I have". She must have understood about my state of mind/identity because she said that she feared her own attraction if I had surgeries. In her own words: "If you get breasts, if my husband gets breasts, what will I think?".

At that time I said that I will try to find out how much I really need and that I will not do things unless I really think i have to, need to. I will stand by that, but both she and I knows that we don't know and we agreed that we take the future as it comes. I try to not go sky high unless I really must and she will try to accept things for as long as she can - and she is certain to voice her opinions if she has issues (I have learned that the practical way...)

I am not super dysphoric about my male body, but have always been quite bodily euphoric about a female body. I do get the odd streak of body dysphoria but not that often. So, it feels like I may have a choice. I guess I will know for sure in a year or so, but if I had to answer right now I'd say that I possibly, even probably, can be ok with "only" a lot of female integration but without actual physical transition. I hope I can be ok with that. I will try to be ok with that. Because I do not want to disrupt things even more, unless I really need to.
The absolutely non-negotiable thing is that I will not under any circumstances put myself into a state like it was before I hatched, 'cause that means a slippery slope towards catastrophe.

About transition: The waiting time to even get a diagnosis is some 3+ years here, so any transitional arrangements faster than that is diy via internet and I don't fancy that method for reasons of realiability, hassle and guaranteed supply. If I ever transition physically, then it is not to get sick from unsuitable levels or wobbly supply.

OMG, 3+ years and you need a diagnosis?! I may live an area that adores Trump, but it's in California. I'm lucky. One Zoom meeting and the patch is ready for me three days later. 

I would never assume that you and I are alike in our journey. That said, it's very déjà vu here in your story. Last year at this time, I believe my pronouns were he/they. I spoke to my wife about this and told her that I was enjoying wearing a lot of feminine clothing and a little bit of makeup, but I could not envision myself ever transitioning. I did not feel dysphoric about my maleness, But I did feel very strong affinity for my femininity. (Affinity for femininity? Did I just invent a bumper sticker?). 

The femininity thing just kept growing on me. Once I made the shift to colored nail polish, I never went back to clear. Once I started wearing nude lipstick, it just got more and more expressive, and I never went back. I started hanging out with more trans people, and I started to feel at home. 

Next, I felt and shared with my wife that my pronouns had changed to they/them. By then I was only wearing women's clothes, but they kind of passed as mens. This was a watershed moment because I had left behind being or presenting as male. 

Frankly, it felt irresistible to be so female. Within a couple of months, I changed my pronouns again. Somewhere in here, I started to feel dysphoria for the first time in my life. The euphoria was still strong, but I also started to look at a certain body part and wish it were weren't there. I started to dislike urinating. I went out a few times in public when I was out of town and wore my breast forms. I started to look at my flat chest and wish there were something there.

Now I'm on estradiol and I'm reading avidly about progesterone. Today, for one of the first times, I went to work wearing false eyelashes, full makeup, and gorgeous red lipstick. Tomorrow, I'll wear my first dress to work. 

I still find myself in shock sometimes that this is happening. People regularly call me Krista now, and I like it, but it's still a little weird. And nice. I still feel just the way I always have. But I do know that I can't go back.

Also, Anna, thank you for hearing this story over and over. I don't know if I tell it the same way or a little bit different way each time but I think I've told it to you several times now. It helps me to be able to express this in writing to someone. I think I'll go put my timeline on my Susan's blog now.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 28, 2026, 05:08:02 PMAlso, Anna, thank you for hearing this story over and over. I don't know if I tell it the same way or a little bit different way each time but I think I've told it to you several times now. It helps me to be able to express this in writing to someone. I think I'll go put my timeline on my Susan's blog now.

As usual, I just have to reply! ❤️
I know I have told my story before and I will probably tell it again because it helps me along and if it can help someone else just a little bit then it is a good thing.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 28, 2026, 05:08:02 PMLast year at this time, I believe my pronouns were he/they. I spoke to my wife about this and told her that I was enjoying wearing a lot of feminine clothing and a little bit of makeup, but I could not envision myself ever transitioning. I did not feel dysphoric about my maleness, But I did feel very strong affinity for my femininity.

There is déjà vu, and plenty of it.
I am on a slope with the femininity. I don't know how severe the slope is up ahead but so far it is a steady incline, not very steep but seemingly without flat. None of the roller-coaster things I have tried so far has been rejected outright. Some, like tops and blouses and visible makeup have been put on back-burner but I have a feeling that they will beckon me again.

And yes, to get gender affirming care via the public healtcare over here you need a referral and a diagnosis and there is a loong waiting time. The diagnosis is a 1-2 year of interviews and "tests", as far as I can understand. As of now, I know of no private practices that are allowed to provide that kind of care (but plenty of other types of care).
In practice, if I find that I must go the hrt way, I will probably have to go the internet way even with its drawbacks. It's not really diy since there is levels testing and so on, but there's no guarantee about continuous support and the healthcare system here will not know about it so it can become an issue if I need other healtcare.

So far I feel like HRT is a simple experiment. Not much has really changed so far. It cost a lot less than I expected, about $45 a month. I haven't had any obvious emotional swings or physical changes, either. I have had a little bit of up-and-down with depression, but I'm not sure I can attribute that to estradiol. When I started on this, I told myself and my wife that I could stop when I started seeing major breast changes because those are not reversible. I didn't say I would or would not stop, but I recognized that I had a lot of time before I had to make a decision. I still have a lot of time, But like everything else, I can't see myself going off HRT.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 28, 2026, 05:08:02 PMI would never assume that you and I are alike in our journey. That said, it's very déjà vu here in your story. Last year at this time, I believe my pronouns were he/they. I spoke to my wife about this and told her that I was enjoying wearing a lot of feminine clothing and a little bit of makeup, but I could not envision myself ever transitioning. I did not feel dysphoric about my maleness, But I did feel very strong affinity for my femininity. (Affinity for femininity? Did I just invent a bumper sticker?).
...
The femininity thing just kept growing on me.

It does seem to grow on me as well but I am a couple of years behind in schedule, so perhaps I shd start planning for a coming out-party and HRT around spring -28? 😉

It would be nice and interesting to be able to experiment a bit with HRT. Meaning to try it for a few months and see the effects. Can't do that via public healthcare here and HRT can of course impact my relation to my wife, both physically and mentally, so I think it will stay as a thought until I (possibly) find out that I need it.

I am thinking of having my E dosage up for a while but I will talk this over with sweetie to see what she says.  I am unsure how long the dosage would need to be higher to see any additional body changes.  I do not like depriving her of satisfaction.  My MD says it would be fine to try this under supervision. 

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on July 30, 2026, 02:09:36 PMI am unsure how long the dosage would need to be higher to see any additional body changes. 

Just keep in mind that one of the body changes on higher E is erectile dysfunction. Not for everyone, but it is common. I found that to be a blessing. Just understand what your options are and choose the path that is right for you.

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 30, 2026, 02:27:11 PMJust keep in mind that one of the body changes on higher E is erectile dysfunction. Not for everyone, but it is common. I found that to be a blessing. Just understand what your options are and choose the path that is right for you.

She does like it when the South Pole works well.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 30, 2026, 01:54:25 PMIt does seem to grow on me as well but I am a couple of years behind in schedule, so perhaps I shd start planning for a coming out-party and HRT around spring -28? 😉

It would be nice and interesting to be able to experiment a bit with HRT. Meaning to try it for a few months and see the effects. Can't do that via public healthcare here and HRT can of course impact my relation to my wife, both physically and mentally, so I think it will stay as a thought until I (possibly) find out that I need it.

That makes sense. In my limited experience and understanding, my wife is unlikely to notice any changes for at least six months, though I did have to tell her that playful nipple pinching is now off the table. They are definitely painful. 

I'm so proud of my wife. It wasn't easy for her, but she started following this trans couple (Shay and...Amanda?) and has worked to understand and accept. 

As I've progressed in my journey, I've realized that I cannot undo this. In fact, I cannot stop this accelerating trans train I'm on. Maybe it was a choice once? It isn't now. 

And I love it. I'm sooooo OUT now! 

Oh it will happen, took me 61 years but it will happen!

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 30, 2026, 07:12:42 PMI'm so proud of my wife. It wasn't easy for her, but she started following this trans couple (Shay and...Amanda?) and has worked to understand and accept.

I doubt that my wife would be very interested in following people via the net, but that applies regardless of whether it is a trans couple or not. But who knows? Time will tell.

We actually had a little chat about things this morning.
My wife asked if I feel ok and said: I can see that you have dialed back a bit and I assume it is because of me?
Me: I feel quite fine and Yes, I have dialed back a little bit because we agreed that I will try to keep things to what is needed and then I need to find out for myself about what is needed and what is desired but perhaps not needed. ("I feel quite fine" in the English sense, meaning fine but not amazing).

A short summary of rest of talk: She feels fine, possibly even very good, thinks our relation is really good and she is happy that we are caring, sensitive, sensual and soft in our relation.

Our relation is so much better than it has been for many, many years.
It is a bit of a paradox, isn't it? To get the real me, the me that she fell in love with all those years ago, the me that she actually loves and wants, she has to accept and embrace a "me" that is another person. Another, but the same.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 30, 2026, 07:12:42 PMAs I've progressed in my journey, I've realized that I cannot undo this. In fact, I cannot stop this accelerating trans train I'm on. Maybe it was a choice once? It isn't now.

I don't think I can revert. I don't think that anyone that is trans can actually revert. Delay, replace, test and choose not to, avoid or abstain - but not revert. Once you have really accepted that you are trans, then you cannot revert and go back. You cannot unknow what you know. Same applies to integrations that you try and like. There is only life-time tickets available, once you have had a test ride or two and want to ride again.

So, it is not a choice in the normal sense of the word, choosing between two equal alternatives - like which colour you dress or whether you have apple juice or OJ for breakfast. The choice, if it exists, is to not go overboard unless you have to, not transition physically unless it is needed to keep ones sanity, not transition socially to the world unless it is required for mental or practical reasons.

In short: The choice, if it exists, is to try and avoid certain aspects of what a trans life could encompass should there not be any external considerations.


Adding to the mix: Leggings, straight leg denims and slim marine trousers are already in my wardrobe waiting for use. They are definitely usable right now but I need to shave of perhaps 4-5 kg before they fit really well. A pair of Chelsea boots with 4-5 cm heel are waiting for autumn to arrive. A variety of blouses/shirts are on their way as is also a black maxi skirt 😱. I need to find one or two shirts/blouses that fit well and that I like. Probably for wearing only at home from the start, same goes for the skirt. So much for dialing back, but I think it will be ok. I'll ask my wife about her opinion. She will be honest and she has a good eye and she wants me to happy and that I don't look like a scarecrow.
Roller-coasters, roller-coasters, ...

It is like learning a bad golf swing.  It is very hard to undo a bad swing.  Many have tried and failed.

Quote from: KristaFairchild on July 30, 2026, 07:12:42 PMI'm so proud of my wife. It wasn't easy for her, but she started following this trans couple (Shay and...Amanda?) and has worked to understand and accept.

I have seen quite a bit of Shay and Amanda. I love their vibe. What a great loving couple.

Quote from: Petunia on July 31, 2026, 06:39:47 AMI have seen quite a bit of Shay and Amanda. I love their vibe. What a great loving couple.

Guess I have to see a bit of them and their journey then.

Shirts and blouses is a bit of a pain.
I am 46-48" below my arms, 48" when I breathe in. Add to that that my shoulders are square.
And some 34" and shrinking, around my waist.
Finding women's shirts and blouses that fit well and look good, is diffcult.
Oversize that fits my shoulders gets way too large at the waist.

Just tried on a Ralph Lauren pink shirt that is beautiful and that I'd love to wear, but it is much too large at the waist. Dang! Was hoping to wear it tonight when I have a date with my wife but I just cannot wear clothes with a bad fit. Well, I have to settle for one of my male shirts. Colour is not an issue, my wardrobe is full of colours.

What I would need is figure fitted with a 46-48" chest width, so that the waist gets decetly ok as well. Like 3XL at the shoulders and M/L at the waist. Those are not too common.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 31, 2026, 06:56:09 AMShirts and blouses is a bit of a pain.
I am 46-48" below my arms, 48" when I breathe in. Add to that that my shoulders are square.
And some 34" and shrinking, around my waist.
Finding women's shirts and blouses that fit well and look good, is diffcult.
Oversize that fits my shoulders gets way too large at the waist.

Just tried on a Ralph Lauren pink shirt that is beautiful and that I'd love to wear, but it is much too large at the waist. Dang! Was hoping to wear it tonight when I have a date with my wife but I just cannot wear clothes with a bad fit. Well, I have to settle for one of my male shirts. Colour is not an issue, my wardrobe is full of colours.

What I would need is figure fitted with a 46-48" chest width, so that the waist gets decetly ok as well. Like 3XL at the shoulders and M/L at the waist. Those are not too common.

You could get some back darts put in to bring the material in.  Go to an alterations place.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 31, 2026, 02:57:47 AMI doubt that my wife would be very interested in following people via the net, but that applies regardless of whether it is a trans couple or not. But who knows? Time will tell.

We actually had a little chat about things this morning.
My wife asked if I feel ok and said: I can see that you have dialed back a bit and I assume it is because of me?
Me: I feel quite fine and Yes, I have dialed back a little bit because we agreed that I will try to keep things to what is needed and then I need to find out for myself about what is needed and what is desired but perhaps not needed. ("I feel quite fine" in the English sense, meaning fine but not amazing).

A short summary of rest of talk: She feels fine, possibly even very good, thinks our relation is really good and she is happy that we are caring, sensitive, sensual and soft in our relation.

Our relation is so much better than it has been for many, many years.
It is a bit of a paradox, isn't it? To get the real me, the me that she fell in love with all those years ago, the me that she actually loves and wants, she has to accept and embrace a "me" that is another person. Another, but the same.

I don't think I can revert. I don't think that anyone that is trans can actually revert. Delay, replace, test and choose not to, avoid or abstain - but not revert. Once you have really accepted that you are trans, then you cannot revert and go back. You cannot unknow what you know. Same applies to integrations that you try and like. There is only life-time tickets available, once you have had a test ride or two and want to ride again.

So, it is not a choice in the normal sense of the word, choosing between two equal alternatives - like which colour you dress or whether you have apple juice or OJ for breakfast. The choice, if it exists, is to not go overboard unless you have to, not transition physically unless it is needed to keep ones sanity, not transition socially to the world unless it is required for mental or practical reasons.

In short: The choice, if it exists, is to try and avoid certain aspects of what a trans life could encompass should there not be any external considerations.


Adding to the mix: Leggings, straight leg denims and slim marine trousers are already in my wardrobe waiting for use. They are definitely usable right now but I need to shave of perhaps 4-5 kg before they fit really well. A pair of Chelsea boots with 4-5 cm heel are waiting for autumn to arrive. A variety of blouses/shirts are on their way as is also a black maxi skirt 😱. I need to find one or two shirts/blouses that fit well and that I like. Probably for wearing only at home from the start, same goes for the skirt. So much for dialing back, but I think it will be ok. I'll ask my wife about her opinion. She will be honest and she has a good eye and she wants me to happy and that I don't look like a scarecrow.
Roller-coasters, roller-coasters, ...

Oh Anna, there is much hope in this! Once again, echoes of my own experience. 

Here is my wife's progression over the past 10 months. It follows a path of improved relations, like you're experiencing. 
1. "I married a man and I'm attracted to men. I didn't sign up for...this." This hung in the air for several months. 
2. When I repeated in back to her one time, she started to say that she wish had never— and cut herself off. It would have been she "wish had never said that." About this time I said I would dial it back for her. I don't think she believed me. And I couldn't. 
3. My visibility increased and once in a while she would compliment me on a blouse or my makeup. I said very little so as not to break whatever spell had been cast in her.
4. We talked more about transition and I shared how I felt in that moment. It kept changing. 
5. She started to talk about trans people from the media. She said she knew I had no choice but to be my authentic self. 
6. We started to flirt with each other after a drought of over a year. I started on estradiol. It was terrifying to tell her. 
7. I started to wear skirts to work. A week later I wore them around the house, too. Things stayed good with my wife. 
8. I starting wearing wigs to work but not at home. With my wig, I did my makeup stronger. She said my makeup looked great. 
9. Yesterday she saw me in my wig for the first time since she playfully dressed me up three years ago. She said she was glad to see me like that. 
10. Her messaging is that she understands I'm transitioning. She's supportive! 

I smiled at your clothing. Leggings were a big step for me. I like my legs and showing them off. But what could I wear leggings with? I had always worn slacks or shorts. I bought a long tunic blouse and wore it in utter terror with the leggings. No one said anything. I felt free with my legs more exposed. Even cute! I was dying to wear a skirt from my secret stash in public - and utterly terrified. 

Maxi skirts feel surprising like pants because of the coverage. Safer. But the flow of the skirt when I move is irresistible! 

My first feminine shoes were grey ankle boots. Then blush ones. OMG, the shape of the toe was so different! And I got lots of style compliments! Now I wear white strappy sandals to show off my red toenails. Sally Hanson Airbrush Legs helps reduce the whiteness of my legs, inherited from my English side. And yes, I chose the earlier spelling of grey intentionally.

AI as I've said before has given me confidence with outfits. I would start with what I wanted to wear and it would advise. After a conversation, I felt better that I didn't look like a scarecrow. The great part is my AI knew I wanted to look as feminine as possible. At night in fearless mode I would wax on about my dream outfits. When we planned an outfit the next morning, it would encourage me toward what it knew I wanted. 

Enjoy your skirt and boots 😉 

Krista!
I find your posts inspiring and enjoyable to read (no surprise there, is it? 💕 ;) ), for me and for my hopes about the future with my wife.
Your #9 and #10 must be absolutely fantastic! I am happy for you!

We're past 1-3 without any fuzz other than on my real coming out evening.
One difference is your item #6 about flirting with wifey. We have not had any drought at all after my coming out. On the contrary it's more like a flood. We touch, cuddle, flirt, kiss and <beep> more than we have in perhaps 25 years. All the time is not a bad description.
I'll wear my boots, come autumn. Black Ralph Lauren with golden zippers. I like!

Just this afternoon while at our daughter's, I was playing with the grandchildren at the table and my wife said a bit loudly "You have longer nails than I have". Daughter didn't bat an eye - I suspect that both daughters might have a hunch about things. Nails are more visibly longer today since I decided to not file them down a bit before two coatings with glossy clear polish.

Wifey also saw me underdress when getting ready for our little date and eating out. "Do you like wearing femme undies or is it because you then know they are there?". Me: Yes to both questions.
No fuzz at all.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 31, 2026, 10:14:18 AMKrista!
I find your posts inspiring and enjoyable to read (no surprise there, is it? 💕 ;) ), for me and for my hopes about the future with my wife.
Your #9 and #10 must be absolutely fantastic! I am happy for you!

We're past 1-3 without any fuzz other than on my real coming out evening.
One difference is your item #6 about flirting with wifey. We have not had any drought at all after my coming out. On the contrary it's more like a flood. We touch, cuddle, flirt, kiss and <beep> more than we have in perhaps 25 years. All the time is not a bad description.
I'll wear my boots, come autumn. Black Ralph Lauren with golden zippers. I like!

Just this afternoon while at our daughter's, I was playing with the grandchildren at the table and my wife said a bit loudly "You have longer nails than I have". Daughter didn't bat an eye - I suspect that both daughters might have a hunch about things. Nails are more visibly longer today since I decided to not file them down a bit before two coatings with glossy clear polish.

Wifey also saw me underdress when getting ready for our little date and raring out. "Do you like wearing femme undies or is it because you then know they are there?". Me: Yes to both questions.
No fuzz at all.

Look at you go! I also loved your "paradox" response. 

My daughters weee in orchestra in high school where half of them were some letter in LGBTQ. They knew. When I got my ears pierced (at the encouragement of my wife, three years ago), I sat in the couch bedside my daughter with my wife on the other side. My wife and I were grinning like fools, but my daughter said nothing. Finally my wife said, "Did you see your Dad's ears?" My daughter replied, "You mean the earrings? I noticed that right away."

My kids don't talk about important things. 

I LOVE it when my nails are long! I have awesome nails that many other women are jealous of. Nail length and color was another slow but lovely progression . It's nice to have something that is 100% me that is also feminine. Nails. Legs. Thin frame. It ends about there, but with my wig and self-permission to use more makeup, my face has improved. 

I need these story of acceptance. I get my self in a rut that no one will accept me but seeing your story and of people coming around gives me hope.

There was discussion touching on my "changes" during our little date and dinner. Positive discussion. I think I'll try to follow up on that tomorrow.

Also: Wifey had not noticed that I use nail polish, until now. Longer nails was noticed earlier but the polish was not. People see less than we think.

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 31, 2026, 04:30:46 PMPeople see less than we think.

Ok now you sound like my therapist. I am not seeing her till Monday. Any advise on my unhealthy food habits. I could sure save on that weekly expense if you take over.

Quote from: tammy753 on July 31, 2026, 07:10:34 PMOk now you sound like my therapist. I am not seeing her till Monday. Any advise on my unhealthy food habits. I could sure save on that weekly expense if you take over.

Are you sure? I am expensive.
😉

Quote from: Finally Anna on July 31, 2026, 04:30:46 PMThere was discussion touching on my "changes" during our little date and dinner. Positive discussion. I think I'll try to follow up on that tomorrow.

I let her choose my clothes yesterday. She saw me underdress and then chose my black male jeans over the light blue wide-legged ones. That was ok, those wide-legged light blue are not really age-ok and light blue for our dinner date is not what I'd choose myself. Then she got to choose between light blue and pink shirt, and chose light blue. But when I put it on she probably realized why there was a choice between male and femme denims and light blue and pink shirt, so she back-tracked and said that pink would also be nice (I've always used pink shirts, so the colour is no issue). I wore the light blue still, but maybe I nudged her just a little towards thinking about how I like to dress?

Anyway, later she was touching up her lipstick at dinner out, and asked "Do you also want lipstick?". My response "No, thank you, not right now. But maybe I will at some later time.".
I will count that as progress. I will also count the small discussions about my changes, on her initiative, as progress.

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on July 31, 2026, 09:10:00 AMYou could get some back darts put in to bring the material in.  Go to an alterations place.

Doesn't look too complicated to fix a pairs o back darts. Maybe I'll do it myself on that pink shirt, I loved the colour and fabric and it had a good fit at my shoulders.
If it goes south then it's just the cost of learning.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 01, 2026, 06:22:54 AMDoesn't look too complicated to fix a pairs o back darts. Maybe I'll do it myself on that pink shirt, I loved the colour and fabric and it had a good fit at my shoulders.
If it goes south then it's just the cost of learning.

When I had first just started to go out en femme in the world, one of the first people I came out to was the alterations lady in town here! She was Korean and had limited English skills but she got the idea what I wanted... I would go in male mode to her shop with a bag of clothes and would put them on so she could take in the waist.

After I started HRT my upper body shed 40 pounds of muscle over a few years so I never need alterations done anymore but, going there and taking that affirming step in my journey is a wonderful memory! 💕🤗💕

Onward!

Ashley 💕

Venting, ranting, ...

Kind of cried (very lightly) myself to sleep last night. The difference between what the true me is and what she wants, and what is possible in practice, gets to me once in a while and then I get sad for a while. I'm ok now, awake in the very early hours of Sunday. The world outside is beautiful, sun is shining, a clear blue sky without a cloud, completely calm. Wife sleeps. The town sleeps. The only people awake are the odd weirdos sitting in their sofa and doing the internet dance. ;)

This place, meaning my blog and Susan's, is so far the only place where I can actually be Anna fully. The reality is just small pieces of Anna and she will never be complete - it is much too late for that both age-wise and baggage-wise. I know that it is not strictly too late in absolute sense, but going off on hrt and possibly surgeries and starting a new life would come with a huge cost socially and I don't think I will ever accept that cost. Time will tell.

Meeting old friends today, that have not seen my much longer hair. I guess they'll ask. Maybe they'll notice my long polished nails? She might ask, she does not always consider the reasons/options/things before reacting. A half-truth will then be my answer, much in line with how I explain my hair, that it is the soft inside of me that is now being more visible (and that soft inside person is more androgynous, if they ask more).

Trading one kind of pain before my acceptance for another kind of pain now is definitely very positive and as I've written before it is likely the difference maker between the road to perdition and a decent life, a happy life, though there is still pain that surfaces now and then. But as a local saying goes: Pain is just weakness leaving the body.

💕 to you all here that know this well and provide understanding. You are valuable.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 01, 2026, 11:34:22 PMThe only people awake are the odd weirdos sitting in their sofa and doing the internet dance. ;)

Here I am, another weirdo sharing in your story. Thank you.
May I have this dance?
🙂

I don't believe you are ever too old Anna but I totally understand the social loss might be unacceptable. As someone who simply does not have a social circle it is easier for me I suppose but equally, as I look on at others who have it with envy I can imagine I would be very reluctant to give it all up.

For what it is worth I have lived my entire life with Sarah only being let out in private and up until recently it really was (just) enough. If your wife is accepting enough to allow you to be anna fully in private you can still retain your social circle. You may not be able to go full tilt with GRS  but hormones are still an option. It is unlikely if you are in advanced years that your breast growth would be so large you could not hide it. Just a thought.

There are many degrees of transtion, you can be happy with less if you have the love of your wife and friends to compensate.

Sarah, time will tell. I am not yet fully Anna with wifey and I intentionally keep a slow pace there to not create fuzz. But being fully Anna at home could be good enough.
Genetics point to "big chest" so even with age there's a "risk".

EDIT: We have wide social circles, or perhaps many social circles, and if, if, if, I can avoid social transition to the world then I will avoid it. If it leaks to the world and they see and understand, then so be it.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 01, 2026, 11:34:22 PMMeeting old friends today, that have not seen my much longer hair. I guess they'll ask.

Yes, they noticed and asked about my hair but probably did not notice my nails or were too polite to ask.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 02, 2026, 04:14:37 AMSarah, time will tell. I am not yet fully Anna with wifey and I intentionally keep a slow pace there to not create fuzz. But being fully Anna at home could be good enough.
Genetics point to "big chest" so even with age there's a "risk".

EDIT: We have wide social circles, or perhaps many social circles, and if, if, if, I can avoid social transition to the world then I will avoid it. If it leaks to the world and they see and understand, then so be it.

Well yes, there is a risk and maybe I shouldn't have down played the boob growth. I looked at my mum and grand mothers and thought well, I'm never going to be all that large but it did not work out like that. Genetics are weird. I am a similar size to my aunt on my mums side but we are both outliers compared to the rest of the family. You never really know what the genetic mixup will deliver I suppose.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 02, 2026, 06:02:42 AMBut being fully Anna at home could be good enough.

It could indeed be the happiest of mediums... what we think we need out of all this at the beginning... and what we find ourselves happily content with as we move along our path can be very different things... we don't truly know where the sweet spot is until we arrive there 🌻

In our old life we perhaps presented ourself in different ways to suit the audience... who we were at our work... who we were with family... who we were with friends... I think much of the goal here is to establish a conduit between the long repressed soul within to the outside... You have one such conduit here... we hear and recognize your inner self and celebrate who you are beautiful sister!
💕🤗💕

If such a conduit could be established with your wife,... and I believe you have already made great strides in that direction, you may find the happy spot and for the rest of the world you can be whatever you feel you need to be for them... 🌻

The good part of this is that this is your life and you have the power of choice! 🌻

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: tgirlamg on August 02, 2026, 09:39:19 AMwe don't truly know where the sweet spot is until we arrive there

Ashley, those are wise words and I am well aware of the uncertainties.

Quote from: tgirlamg on August 02, 2026, 09:39:19 AMI think much of the goal here is to establish a conduit between the long repressed soul within to the outside... You have one such conduit here... we hear and recognize your inner self and celebrate who you are beautiful sister! 💕🤗💕 If such a conduit could be established with your wife,... and I believe you have already made great strides in that direction, you may find the happy spot and for the rest of the world you can be whatever you feel you need to be for them...

Beautifully expressed!  💕

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 02, 2026, 04:14:37 AMWe have wide social circles, or perhaps many social circles, and if, if, if, I can avoid social transition to the world then I will avoid it. If it leaks to the world and they see and understand, then so be it.

I know that with time I will want to lean more femme in my expressions. Everything indicates this and nothing says otherwise. Hair is a thing in the making and it will continue to go andro style and longer for quite some time. Nails are definitely femme already and I'm not going back other than for short periods when male style is really needed. Perfumeds are androgynous or femme, never ever homme. Shorts are femme model. Everyday trousers are being searched for and I will get there. Shirts/blouses require more tests and perhaps also a bit of tailoring. Boots are waiting for autumn. Very light makeup, almost invisible, is making its entrance. Underdressing is not seen by other than my wife, but it is there all days except those that contain sauna (which is like religion over here) with friends. Bespoke jacket is on the list.

So, yeah, I think there could be leaks...

When I started going femme to rose society gathering the big question in people's mind was--what was my age!  I was in my late 50s with salt and pepper hair.  They told me if I dyed my hair I could pass for being in my 20s.

I have legs with excellent skin tone from being protected from the sun for decades.
After forty-five rounds of golf they now have a light tan, the sun screen doesn't last through entire 18 holes of golf.
I put more sunscreen on the darker tanned areas to even out the tan.

Marion

Another beautiful summer day. Clear blue sky, sunshine, +17 C going up to 20, just a very light movement in the air. Going to my best friend since almost 60 yrs summer cottage today, and will be staying until tomorrow. Their (he and his wife) cottage is right on the bay shoreline and has a porch facing south over the bay. Perhaps we'll see the white-tailed eagle that is living in the area. It's a mighty bird with a wingspan of some 220 cm, that sometimes is swooping down on the bay hunting for fish.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 01, 2026, 01:24:03 AMAnyway, later she was touching up her lipstick at dinner out, and asked "Do you also want lipstick?". My response "No, thank you, not right now. But maybe I will at some later time.".

Drop the mic!!! I love this candor. For years I would have lied. "Lipstick? Oh no. That's too much."
A couple years ago, "No. I'm not ready and I'm not sure I ever will be."
Yesterday, "Do you think this plum is right for watching a live baseball game?"

Krista! My wife is a person that knows a bit about inclusion and lbgtq things from her professional work. So, she probably knows more than she shows about my "situation". For better and for worse. I love her and I will do what I can to keep her. I'm still years behind you but I'm playing catch-up.
💕

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 03, 2026, 10:48:08 AMKrista! My wife is a person that knows a bit about inclusion and lbgtq things from her professional work. So, she probably knows more than she shows about my "situation". For better and for worse. I love her and I will do what I can to keep her. I'm still years behind you but I'm playing catch-up.
💕

So similar. My wife has been on the LGBTQ committee at work for several years preceding my transition. It laid a good foundation. 

It's fascinating and valuable to observe the transition journey of others. 

Quote from: KristaFairchild on August 03, 2026, 08:55:05 AMDrop the mic!!! I love this candor. For years I would have lied.

I try to take advantage of the times when she opens up for discussion or question/answer. I want to nudge things with her when the timing is right. As my profile says: Slowly, softly, surely.

What a difference a few weeks can make.
Getting visitors in batches for a while and will also be visiting. These are people that I don't want to even get slight ideas, so I filed down my nails more than I normally do and then I used matte polish. Result: Nails a little bit longer than the typical male but nothing that really draws an eye. But the matte polish is not very pretty.
I will revert to glossy and longer as soon as I can wrt the circumstances.

Just a small reflection about how things have changed, changed for the better and probably for good.

Life as a transfemme out to self and to wife isn't just a bed of roses but it does bring peace of mind when comparing to life before acceptance. Life is pretty serene even if it of course still has issues (life tends to have issues regardless of whom you ask).

Instead of psychological pains, real fears and things that should not be mentioned, the issues are now of a more worldly kind. How do I find my style? What is my sweetspot with femininity? Will I be dressing in skirts six months from now? How much change, how fast, do I need and how much can my wife embrace? Will I require hrt, later on? Do people notice that I am subtly femme in my appearance and do they attribute that to femininity, or do they just notice this old guy letting loose and assume it is because of age or retirement? How long will my hair get before I and my hardresser find it to be ok? What will the kids and their SO say about things, once it becomes more obvious? And a hundred other small and rather worldly things that will be solved by just living my life.
💕

Anna,


You will figure this out over time, one matter at a time.  There a lot of personal decisions to be made. 


Chrissy

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 05, 2026, 10:25:37 AMJust a small reflection about how things have changed, changed for the better and probably for good.

Life as a transfemme out to self and to wife isn't just a bed of roses but it does bring peace of mind when comparing to life before acceptance. Life is pretty serene even if it of course still has issues (life tends to have issues regardless of whom you ask).

Instead of psychological pains, real fears and things that should not be mentioned, the issues are now of a more worldly kind. How do I find my style? What is my sweetspot with femininity? Will I be dressing in skirts six months from now? How much change, how fast, do I need and how much can my wife embrace? Will I require hrt, later on? Do people notice that I am subtly femme in my appearance and do they attribute that to femininity, or do they just notice this old guy letting loose and assume it is because of age or retirement? How long will my hair get before I and my hardresser find it to be ok? What will the kids and their SO say about things, once it becomes more obvious? And a hundred other small and rather worldly things that will be solved by just living my life.
💕

Damn girl, look at you go!

I think we are riding different cars of the same train and baby, it's not coming to a halt. Enjoy the ride. 

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 05, 2026, 10:25:37 AMJust a small reflection about how things have changed, changed for the better and probably for good.

Life as a transfemme out to self and to wife isn't just a bed of roses but it does bring peace of mind when comparing to life before acceptance. Life is pretty serene even if it of course still has issues (life tends to have issues regardless of whom you ask).

Instead of psychological pains, real fears and things that should not be mentioned, the issues are now of a more worldly kind. How do I find my style? What is my sweetspot with femininity? Will I be dressing in skirts six months from now? How much change, how fast, do I need and how much can my wife embrace? Will I require hrt, later on? Do people notice that I am subtly femme in my appearance and do they attribute that to femininity, or do they just notice this old guy letting loose and assume it is because of age or retirement? How long will my hair get before I and my hardresser find it to be ok? What will the kids and their SO say about things, once it becomes more obvious? And a hundred other small and rather worldly things that will be solved by just living my life.
💕

As it so happens, the answers to all those questions lay straight ahead... you're already going the right direction!...

Onward Brave Sister!

A💕

It could be that I read too much into it but on visiting one of the daughters she seemed to eye my clothing a bit but she didn't say a word about it. I was wearing black femme cargo pants that probably can pass for androgynous, sage green male polo and black femme sweatshirt hoodie.
I feel like I will wait for questions rather than initiating a conversation.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 07, 2026, 04:45:44 AMIt could be that I read too much into it but on visiting one of the daughters she seemed to eye my clothing a bit but she didn't say a word about it. I was wearing black femme cargo pants that probably can pass for androgynous, sage green male polo and black femme sweatshirt hoodie.
I feel like I will wait for questions rather than initiating a conversation.

After wearing all women's clothes - but ones that could pretty much pass as men's - I added foundation. No one said nothing. 

Weeks later I added very light natural blush. No one said a thing. 

So I started doing my brows ever so lightly. Then brown eyeliner. Then...

And NO ONE COMMENTED!

Then I added my favorite wig and breast forms and people were like "About time you finished off the look properly"

Just for kicks, reread your journal entries on here. Hang on tight. I'm pretty sure...don't want to judge...could be wrong....

You're trans! 🤣 and furthermore - this is a BIG SECRET - you are TRANSitioning! 🤣❤️🥹



My most liberating moments were when I realized that people already knew. 

In a bit of a dysphoric mode. Not too heavy but creating a bit of a fuzz in my mind. It's the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" and a bit of imposter feeling.

This, too, shall pass. But it's a bit unpleasant while it lasts.

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 07, 2026, 11:29:09 AMIn a bit of a dysphoric mode. Not too heavy but creating a bit of a fuzz in my mind. It's the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" and a bit of imposter feeling.

This, too, shall pass. But it's a bit unpleasant while it lasts.

Maybe do just one small affirming thing, even if only you know. When I felt like that I would apply a dab of perfume close to my nose or put on nude lipstick, which isn't visible on my lips. 

Right! I'll do that!

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 07, 2026, 11:39:21 AMRight! I'll do that!

@Finally Anna
Dear Anna:
Early on in my transition journey I used nude lip gloss and for nail polish I
found a gloss skin color polish that is not as noticeable like other colors.
I then started using very pale pink colors for my lips and my nails.

I had a lot of compliments from unsuspecting people.

Hugs, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

 

It did help.
Filling out my brows with taupe pen.
Two small strokes with perfume oil. Thank you!
🥰

The wagon is moving, it moves towards more femme and seems to be following a slowly meandering road through the woods, where the immediate direction is not always easy to see but it becomes obvious that the road is going femme-ward.

Hair is now hanging in a wave over the top of my ears, unless I style it to sit above ears. Also starting to get just the tiniest hint of curtain bang(s), with a soft-ish side-part. Not yet long enough to be real curtain(s) but I am getting a bit of the feeling. Six weeks until next appointement so almost two cm growth until then.

Maxi skirt and the only blouse that fits half-decently doesn't look too bad.

New marine slim stretch trousers are nice. Leggings also nice.

Gravitation, gravitation, ...

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 08, 2026, 05:31:27 AMThe wagon is moving, it moves towards more femme and seems to be following a slowly meandering road through the woods, where the immediate direction is not always easy to see but it becomes obvious that the road is going femme-ward.

Hair is now hanging in a wave over the top of my ears, unless I style it to sit above ears. Also starting to get just the tiniest hint of curtain bang(s), with a soft-ish side-part. Not yet long enough to be real curtain(s) but I am getting a bit of the feeling. Six weeks until next appointement so almost two cm growth until then.

Maxi skirt and the only blouse that fits half-decently doesn't look too bad.

New marine slim stretch trousers are nice. Leggings also nice.

Gravitation, gravitation, ...

The momentum is gathering Anna! I like your clothing choices there.

My hair at the sides has reached my lobes. I think it might be getting long enough to do something with it but I'm still trapped at the parents home. They keep telling me I need to get my hair cut but no way am I doing that until I get into my new place and try styling it properly!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 08, 2026, 06:30:20 AMMy hair at the sides has reached my lobes. I think it might be getting long enough to do something with it but I'm still trapped at the parents home. They keep telling me I need to get my hair cut but no way am I doing that until I get into my new place and try styling it properly!

Hang in there and when you're in your own house then just let your hair stylist do some magic. I look at pics on the net and then show a few to my hairdresser to show the feeling I'd like and we discuss a bit and then she is let loose to do some magic. I guess it is soon long enough to actually start shaping it a bit.

The slow meander...slightly longer hair, subtle but with potential. Marine slim trousers, kinda andro, the transition is there if you squint. 

MAXI SKIRT?! 

🤭 love it 

Krista!
The maxi skirt, the only blouse that is not ill-fitting and the wedge heels 😱 are so far for solo use only. Call it a kind of prototype testing. 😉

I haven't even used the slim trousers yet other than trying them on for myself, but they are comfortable. Those are definitely women's trousers, but can possibly pass for andro unless people look more closely.
Paradox, paradox: I am a little cowardice even though the logic says I don't have to be.

It's also likely that wifey gets a vote on the trousers before going public - I do want her to think that my clothing is actually ok or even nice.

My hair is a LOT longer than it used to be. I want it to be long enough to be styled androgynous or perhaps femme-ish if I feel like it. Not as long as in my avatar though, probably, ... but friends have asked if I am going for a ponytail or a low braid. 🙃

Does that skirt call to you? Mine did and do. I finally went through all my old purchases so I could see my presentation timeline in detail. I created a timeline before but it was based on my memory. 

I had several dresses and skirts for private use. I dressed only when I was alone in the house. Later, I dressed up when out of town on business trips. 

Now I'm glad I purchased those outfits because I wear them in public. 

I found when I was going androgynous that I received more compliments on my SPI stance than ever before. Including from my wife. 

Skirts feel so good, don't they? The swish of the fabric against your bare legs? The light fabric. Air on your bare ankles. Oh and blouses! The coolness of parts of my chest that are never exposed in men's clothes. Different colors. Light fabric. 

I'm sure they aren't beckoning you, right? You can resist. You have a plan!

I know. I'm awful, aren't I? 🤣🤭

Quote from: KristaFairchild on August 08, 2026, 12:24:49 PMI'm sure they aren't beckoning you, right? You can resist. You have a plan!
I know. I'm awful, aren't I? 🤣🤭

Oh, you're absolutely horrible!  🙃😉
(Ironically, since this is the net and many people will read this and writing only gets you so far: There's irony to be found in this post). 😉

It was hot and humid yesterday so I wore my hot pink two piece bikini with Tevas flip flops in the privacy of my home.  I learned that I don't like walking around in flats!  I'll have to go through my collection of sandals and find something more appropriate to wear to the beach.

Marion

Slowly, softly, surely.

Time.
Time is what I need.
Time to slowly gravitate towards more femme.
Time to get used to the changing image of myself, in my own eyes.
Time for my surroundings to adapt without realizing.

A mirror.
A rear view mirror.
A rear view mirror to see that there has been a lot of change already, only five months in.

A rear view mirror and time, to fend off the impostor phenomenon that sometimes tickles my brain.
A rear view mirror and time, to put trust in the ongoing journey.

A rear view mirror, time and life's inevitable progress to accept that I don't have control over all things happening.

💕

One of the worst nights of my life.
I said things yesterday evening, things that hurt my wife deeply (things not related to my transfemme)
Not much sleep for me this night, have cried my heart and eyes out.
I feel awful.
🥺

I despise myself

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 10, 2026, 10:14:02 PMOne of the worst nights of my life.
I said things yesterday evening, things that hurt my wife deeply (things not related to my transfemme)
Not much sleep for me this night, have cried my heart and eyes out.
I feel awful.
🥺

I despise myself

Sending you a BIG HUG!

If what you said was honest, your only regret should be how it was said. Poor choice of words, perhaps.
If what you said was out of emotion, perhaps an apology can smooth it over.

Don't beat yourself up over it. Let things cool down, then discuss it openly and honestly. There is no harm in admitting you were wrong if you were wrong.

I think it is more important to examine why and how it was said rather than the words themselves. Then go from there. You two know each other well enough to discuss things like adults. You know this.

Hang in there.

Thanks Lori. 💕
It was out of bounds and unfair. That's why it hits me so hard. 💔
But things will be ok. My wife is fantastic in her love for me. I'm not a bad or mean person, I'm as soft as they come.

I am sorry this happened. Lori Dee put it into words perfectly.

Things are ok now. Similar issue has happened before but as this is 100% on me I will try to work my mind so that it doesn't happen again.
I'm quite sure that my identity journey makes me much more soft and sensitive than I already was. It also makes wifey's reaction be more pronounced because of my overall increased softness and then that "outburst" (words, not shouting)...
💕

It's an emotional rollercoaster for sure. I'm glad you worked things out <3

The femme stretchy slim trousers now premiered. Together with a male-ish shirt and femme sneakers.
Actually a bit of a meh experience. The trousers are nice, comfy and all that - but still just trousers. I would guess that if paired with a more femme shirt I'd get a different feeling.

Edit: It could be, that a meh experience is my thing. I don't like to stand out. I am quite ok with being half invisible. 💕

And now, La pièce de résistance: Solar eclipse

I just went out an saw the partial eclipse with my aluminized mylar viewer!

Had an evening with a couple of friends and a few friends of those friends. A friend of friends (a man, of course) got into a bit of bragging mode, ref money. I can't really stand such crap and soon went into another room with the only other woman present 'cept my wife and we quickly agreed on the men's conversation being less than "spiritual" and dearly lacking flexibility.

As a side note: She complimented my longer hairstyle and also said that she really liked my blue (royal blue, screaming blue) trousers that I wore at our big garden party back in June. "I liked them a lot! I liked that you went a bit outside the norm!". Yay! Yay! Those were purely femme trousers and I like them. Her comment made me feel affirmed but I could of course not tell her my real story. I tried to explain that my hair and those trousers are actually the real me, being let loose after my retirement.
Well, whatever...

My mom gave me the light blue jeans she wore as a teenager as I could wear them.