Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone!

My therapist challenged me to start this. I am emailing her a screenshot of this to prove I did it, not sure she will approve of the content but that is on her for not telling me what to write. She could have said be mature and write like a grown up but she just said start a blog so who is at fault here? Me I think not.

The CliffNotes on me:

• Age? Yes I am over half a century old quit reminding me.
  
• Agoraphobia? Check!
  
• HRT? YEP, 13 years, just added progesterone! Started regulated HRT almost a month ago through FOLX.
  
• Social Anxiety? Of course.
  
• Loves Tacos? Who doesn't!
  
• Jeeps? I love Jeeps. Be careful starting me talking about mine.
  
• Antidepressants? Can't you tell? Just in case: YES!
  
• Self Doubt? Did you see my current sponsor?
  

Tammy Dislikes:

• Pickles
• Herself (some days)
• Having to pee constantly (Thanks Spiro)
• Chicken (Wait don't go we can still be friends!)

Since I'm working on my social interactions from the comfort of my own cave, I'm using this thread to track my goals—no matter how chaotic they get. There will probably be other crazy ramblings and yes I will get excited about changes I make to my jeep (Second warning).

Here are the "Crazy Ambitions" I'm currently aiming for:

• Short Term Goal: Start Electrolysis and stop talking like Barry White.
  
• Jeep Goals: Lockers, New Fenders, Light bar to see the end of the tunnel, and a Re-Gear to make driving 70 impossible.
  
• Long Term Goal: Move to an accepting state where I can live as my true self.
  

Today's Ambition: Successfully launching this thread without closing the tab in a panic.

P.S. I almost named this thread "Brought to you by Lexapro and the number 8," but I am on my best behavior and would never put that in writing.

So there it is I have done my homework. Feel free to write back about Tacos or Jeeps (You have been warned!). You can even share your crazy ambitions here.

Yay! Tammy has a blog! Get in there!

I will definitely be popping in to see what's going on in your world and for a general natter!

Sadly I have never owned a jeep and I've never had a taco so I'm not much use for todays discussion lol!

I think you will find having your own space for random musings can be very helpful. Before I started mine I had never had any intention of writing a blog but now I can't imagine not having one. There is no right or wrong way to use yours, use it in what ever way feels natural.

Hi Tammy,

What kind of tacos do you like?

The best kind I've eaten were in Northern California made with cilantro.
For a couple of years there was a couple from California who had a taco restaurant in the center of town withl good tacos.

Marion

I am a little, ok a lot white trash, so a good Taco Bell taco is good. I did eat at this restaurant in Columbus that had great tacos but its been years and don't remember the name. I'm not sure what was on them now but I remember comparing everything to them for a long time.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 11, 2026, 05:35:08 PMYay! Tammy has a blog! Get in there!

I will definitely be popping in to see what's going on in your world and for a general natter!

Sadly I have never owned a jeep and I've never had a taco so I'm not much use for todays discussion lol!

I think you will find having your own space for random musings can be very helpful. Before I started mine I had never had any intention of writing a blog but now I can't imagine not having one. There is no right or wrong way to use yours, use it in what ever way feels natural.

Don't expect profound revelations maybe profoundly obvious ones to everyone else. Thanks I am not much for writing so expect bullet point posts since the words and me are not great acquaintances. If you are coming back for delusional thoughts and incoherent ramblings I'm your girl.

I'm rolling the red California carpet out toward you! Probably the most supportive state for LGBTQ+ in the union.  Policy wise anyway. Beware our Central Valley. 

Congrats, Tammy, on your very own blog!

I love the title and the way it started. Your therapist was correct that blogging can be very therapeutic. You don't need to give details or things you'd rather not discuss (it is an ALL-AGES PUBLIC FORUM after all). 🤣

I got my cargo rack and interior cargo shelf from Hooke Road. If you haven't heard of them, check out their Jeep accessories. Actually, truck and 4x4 accessories, but who cares about those?

Looking forward to following along here as you get settled in. Love what you've done with it so far.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 11, 2026, 07:07:58 PMDon't expect profound revelations maybe profoundly obvious ones to everyone else. Thanks I am not much for writing so expect bullet point posts since the words and me are not great acquaintances. If you are coming back for delusional thoughts and incoherent ramblings I'm your girl.

Ramble away Tammy, It's nice to have a home where you can download. Really, the blog is for you, not our entertainment.

Same for me I just unload what I have been doing, cant say I have eaten a Taco (or did I when I went to Florida in 80s?) . Have worked on Jeeps, WW2 ones when I had a garage (no I am not that old!) . I am a hot rodder so you get a lot of car stuff on my diary. Welcome to the rambling thread section.

Hey Tammy, super cool and honest start to your blog. It's always the coolest peole having the most self-doubt. So yeah, I think you're cool!

Thanks all! I hope my intro didn't rub any one the wrong way I have a dark sense of humor and usually very inappropriate. I really appreciate all the comments.

Now for the other things. This is Lori and Davina's fault.

I have a tower of boxes taller than me that are threatening to attack me. They are the new fenders for my Jeep from Black Mountain Jeeps. I am super excited since this is the next step in getting it ready for my move. They are 10" Flat Fenders which will restore my articulation and help protect my Jeep. I also have aluminum inner fenders for the front to replace the plastic ones. I am really nervous about installing them because it means drilling holes in my jeep, see what you did this is your fault. I am considering having them painted or wrapped to match my Chief Blue jeep but haven't decided, you didn't heed the warning. I am also going to take a saw to the center console, I have wide hips and the seatbelt digs into my hip so i am recessing it into the console so it will still work, seriously I gave you multiple warnings. Ok I will stop for now your welcome.

Any way I need to go pretend to be competent at my job. Starting this was scary for me. I always feel like my personality is a little overwhelming so I hope that isn't coming through.

Quote from: davina61 on August 12, 2026, 02:43:18 AMSame for me I just unload what I have been doing, cant say I have eaten a Taco (or did I when I went to Florida in 80s?) . Have worked on Jeeps, WW2 ones when I had a garage (no I am not that old!) . I am a hot rodder so you get a lot of car stuff on my diary. Welcome to the rambling thread section.

So I also have a Mustang GT in Fury Orange. I will admit it scares me some times. I don't drive it a lot and so when I get in it its a rocket ship. It has 460HP and I don't know how long it takes to get onto a freeway but I know I am still trying to get on faster. I usually have to let off part way down the on ramp not to break 88. I don't want to go back in time, I don't have a Doc Brown to save me.

460 HP omg! You're safe from time travel though... as long as you don't switch on the flux capacitor.

Quote from: Valerie.Val on August 12, 2026, 07:20:01 AM460 HP omg! You're safe from time travel though... as long as you don't switch on the flux capacitor.

But if you need one, check out O'Reilly Auto Parts. 🤣

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 12, 2026, 11:07:20 AMBut if you need one, check out O'Reilly Auto Parts. 🤣

ITS SOLD OUT! I bet someone bought one and then went back in time and bought the rest. Dang it who did it???

Only one man.

Hahahahahah :D

My hot rod friends just bought a UK spec 2016 GT convertible, had a ride the other day and it goes okay!

Ok so here is a serious topic. I had a Dream last night, I was out as my true self just exploring the world and was extremely happy. For some reason i was wearing high heels and it was a focused part of the dream Then I ran into my family, my estranged sister pointed me out to them and I could see the anger on my mothers face and so I tried to get away i walked\ran as fast as I could until I was lost. I ended up at a huge crowded hotel and my shoes were gone but the impression of them was visible on my feet. I felt trapped and every one was staring at me.

I felt so ashamed and afraid. I also just wanted them to unsee me and felt like our relationship would never be the same.

When i say me family I mean people that are deceased too. Like my grandparent and parents....

This dream is haunting me today for some reason.

Don't panic.

Dreams are just a form of venting. I won't get into it if you don't want to, but basically, dreams are training your mind not to react to unimportant things. So, if you dream about it, that means your mind considered the scenario and decided it was nothing to worry about.

I plan to talk to my therapist on Monday about it. I put it into Google AI and it seems to part of my Agoraphobia and other issues. My therapist wanted my to start this blog to share things instead of bottling them up and dwelling on them. Apparently she thinks I am closed off. I thought I overshare so I don't know who is write but I am paying her and the customer is always right, does that work for therapy?

Also I am having concentration issues today which I am sure it related to all this so in general today sucks.

I did declare today Profanity today at work so I am working to offend my coworkers. They think its hilarious, it didn't work, dang it.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 13, 2026, 10:12:58 AMI plan to talk to my therapist on Monday about it. I put it into Google AI and it seems to part of my Agoraphobia and other issues. My therapist wanted my to start this blog to share things instead of bottling them up and dwelling on them. Apparently she thinks I am closed off. I thought I overshare so I don't know who is write but I am paying her and the customer is always right, does that work for therapy?

Also I am having concentration issues today which I am sure it related to all this so in general today sucks.

I did declare today Profanity today at work so I am working to offend my coworkers. They think its hilarious, it didn't work, dang it.

I don't pretend to be a great interpreter of dreams so I won't try. However, I don't think you will have such a whole hearted rejection from your family. Some might I suppose but I doubt your entire family would disown you Tammy. You come across as such a bubbly friendly soul I find it hard to think people will treat you as badly as you fear. If they do, screw them, it is their loss, you don't need people like that in your life.

But you never really know how someone will react, sometimes the ones you totally expected to flip out will turn out to be one of your biggest allies. You are on a similar timeframe as me and while it can help to get everthing in place to try and achieve a seemless transition (as best we can) it does give us too much time to overthink things. There is something to be said for just closing your eyes and taking that leap of faith I suppose.

Try and see it for what it is, a dream, it's not a premonition. You have a bright future ahead of you girl.

Yeah I over think everything that is why I want to talk to my therapist and have her tell me I am over thinking it  like all of you are telling me. At least with her it will cost me $100 to feel silly.

You aren't being silly Tammy, you're just working through some stuff is all.

I'm just certain you will end up in a very good place in 2028 if not sooner! I don't know what you are like in male mode but on here, as Tammy, you are friendly, open ,careing, supportive, outgoing. I find it hard to believe you are introverted or suffer with agoraphobia. Being Tammy is good for you, it suits you just as being Sarah suits me.

Thanks Sarah you are still the prettier sister! Damn it!

Quote from: tammy753 on August 13, 2026, 12:04:49 PMThanks Sarah you are still the prettier sister! Damn it!

Don't do yourself down Sis, I bet you're more attractive than you think you are. I'm just good at makeup I think ha ha!

Thanks though😁

I am starting to not care if people figure out I am trans. I think this is a good and bad thing. I grew my hair out in 2000. I started HRT in 2013, I think. I have dd breasts. I wear women's glasses. I also have dd breasts and have to wear a bra every day. I can't hide the change so am I fooling any one, I still get sir but I think its my facial hair once I zap that away I think hiding will be over. I remembers how to talk like I did in my twenties yesterday, I had a female voice figured out. I think people must be blind that to not know I am trans.

Thoughts?

Quote from: tammy753 on August 14, 2026, 01:18:38 PMI am starting to not care if people figure out I am trans. I think this is a good and bad thing. I grew my hair out in 2000. I started HRT in 2013, I think. I have dd breasts. I wear women's glasses. I also have dd breasts and have to wear a bra every day. I can't hide the change so am I fooling any one, I still get sir but I think its my facial hair once I zap that away I think hiding will be over. I remembers how to talk like I did in my twenties yesterday, I had a female voice figured out. I think people must be blind that to not know I am trans.

Thoughts?

Hey Tammy!

Not caring is powerful mindset indeed! We can spend a lifetime afraid and paralyzed with thoughts of how we people may react to us... live your life and fear not!

Onward Brave Sister!

A 💕

Quote from: tammy753 on August 14, 2026, 01:18:38 PMI am starting to not care if people figure out I am trans. I think this is a good and bad thing. I grew my hair out in 2000. I started HRT in 2013, I think. I have dd breasts. I wear women's glasses. I also have dd breasts and have to wear a bra every day. I can't hide the change so am I fooling any one, I still get sir but I think its my facial hair once I zap that away I think hiding will be over. I remembers how to talk like I did in my twenties yesterday, I had a female voice figured out. I think people must be blind that to not know I am trans.

Thoughts?

I'm getting there bit by bit I must say. I'm always clean shaven and have very light hair anyway with no real beard shadow. It's so hot here I cannot deploy my usual protective layers to hide the boobs so I'm wandering around braless in t-shirts, I used to fear being in public like that but now I'm not even looking to see if people are reacting.

My bravery might be related the the massive amount of caffeine I am running on today. This what happens when the slushy machine is broken at the drive thru. DAMN YOU SONIC!

The Mountain Dew Zero might have played a part too but lets not blame my poor decisions lets blame Sonic.

I am feeling like I can't escape my male life. People keep pulling my back and now I am letting my facial hair follicles recover after plucking it for years. So I am feeling less like the true me. I tried to do what my therapist wanted which is finding a GP and am having panic attacks at just the thought of it. I guess I am feeling trapped.

Add to this my brother who don't know I am trans has announced he is coming up and won't let go of seeing me. I tried to tell him I wasn't up to it due to my agoraphobia but he isn't taking no.

I just want to pack my stuff and leave but I am trapped here for another year to make a financially responsible move.

Also my work friend wants me to come to their new house when she has it set up which I can't explain why that's not going to happen.

I feel like a fraud and a liar. I am struggling with all of the deception being a closeted trans person sucks.

My brother is an over-the-road truck driver and would tell me when he was passing through my area so we could meet for lunch. Then COVID happened, and we agreed to wait.

Meanwhile, I was still transitioning. When I got the next call, I decided it was time to come out to him before we met for lunch. I told him my appearance had changed since the last time he saw me. I explained that I had been in therapy and was diagnosed as transgender. He and I were always close, so I thought if anyone in my family would be accepting, it would be him.

He went into a rage and said many nasty things. My last words to him were, "I love you, Brother." He hung up, and we have not spoken since.

In your situation, explain that you are going through some things and you are unsure if a visit would be appropriate. If your brother insists, maybe give him a warning as I did. If he sounds positive about it, proceed. If not, there is your reason to cancel (or let him back out).

You know your situation better than I do, so take this with a grain of salt. I hope it is helpful. Good luck.
 

I had been out of touch with family for years when my sister called and said our mother was in hospice and would be dying soon. I told her I was living as a woman and wouldn't be changing that to pacify family. She and my older sister accepted me and after a discussion about our mom becoming deeply religious as she aged, we agreed me going to see her before she passed wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't want to ruin an old woman's dying days.

My older brother seemed to take the news okay, but his social media was a toxic anti-trans mess so we went back to no contact. He has since came around, at least around me.

Family can surprise you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 17, 2026, 10:41:10 AMMy brother is an over-the-road truck driver and would tell me when he was passing through my area so we could meet for lunch. Then COVID happened, and we agreed to wait.

Meanwhile, I was still transitioning. When I got the next call, I decided it was time to come out to him before we met for lunch. I told him my appearance had changed since the last time he saw me. I explained that I had been in therapy and was diagnosed as transgender. He and I were always close, so I thought if anyone in my family would be accepting, it would be him.

He went into a rage and said many nasty things. My last words to him were, "I love you, Brother." He hung up, and we have not spoken since.

In your situation, explain that you are going through some things and you are unsure if a visit would be appropriate. If your brother insists, maybe give him a warning as I did. If he sounds positive about it, proceed. If not, there is your reason to cancel (or let him back out).

You know your situation better than I do, so take this with a grain of salt. I hope it is helpful. Good luck.
 

I struggle with telling them because I put on a tough face to hide what i am for most of our lives. I feel guilty and afraid right now of ruining our memories. I have a letter written that I had planned to send him when I was further down the transition road but the lying and pretending has gotten a lot harder the last few years. Every time it leaves me depressed after putting on the mask. I used to pluck my facial hair, just stopped, and when I found out I would sop and let it grow back enough to help hide my HRT effects.

I think he would accept me but if he doesn't I lose the last member of my family I keep in touch with. I have cut off everyone else of the years to protect my secret. So I am a coward I guess.

Sorry I know I need to be a better writer

Quote from: Devlyn on August 17, 2026, 10:54:13 AMI had been out of touch with family for years when my sister called and said our mother was in hospice and would be dying soon. I told her I was living as a woman and wouldn't be changing that to pacify family. She and my older sister accepted me and after a discussion about our mom becoming deeply religious as she aged, we agreed me going to see her before she passed wouldn't be a good idea. I didn't want to ruin an old woman's dying days.

My older brother seemed to take the news okay, but his social media was a toxic anti-trans mess so we went back to no contact. He has since came around, at least around me.

Family can surprise you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks I like hearing of families being accepting. We grew up really poor in a very religious family so that is probably another factor.

And my sister said she was not surprised!

Great news my therapist canceled my session again. I am starting to think its me. I didn't ask for a reschedule even though I really needed to have me session this week. I felt bad because she said she was sick and I didn't want her to make time for me if she is sick. I need those sessions especially this week. I am upset I needed to talk through some of the crazy thoughts I had after our last session that I haven't even shared here. I don't know what to do with this.

I am going to share what happened after my last session, warning this is dark and I wasn't planning on sharing this with all of you but I need to get this out.
Possible Trigger warning!


I don't know what triggered this but After my session last week I was feeling really bad about being trans and wanted to find a way to stop. I tried to find conversion therapy to see if it could make me not trans. I looked for several hours thinking if I was a willing participant it might work for me knowing I am 53 I thought it might get me to the end of my life. I never found a place offering it. Then I thought if I started on Testosterone maybe it could reverse my transness. I Was so disgusted with my in ability to hide what I am. I was just looking for a way back to the life I had before when I hid all this and had never told anyone. I wanted to undo my HRT and just give up. I felt like I would never move forward in my transition. Then I tried to do what she wanted for my agoraphobia, go to GP in person and had panic attacks just trying to find one. I already wrote about the dream I had earlier in the week so I documented my dark thoughts I am sorry if this is too much for all of you. I am still feeling like a liar and a fraud...I guess I told you all that today already.

Hey sis! I can sympathise. I agonise about telling family members also though I have told my mother and she was supportive of me. the rest of the family, my Dad in particular I'm not so sure about. He is 82 and I so don't want to end up estranged from him at this late in life but at the same time I do need to live my live, I've waited so long.

In your case I would be tempted to tell your brother. If he is supportive then you have an ally who could advocate for you with the rest of your family. If he is not supportive then he still wouldn't be in 2027/8 so all you have done is brought forward the bust up. However, the big drawback is the potential for complete isolation and that can open the door to loneliness. Do you have any supportive friends? It would be good to have someone else in your corner so if the worst happens and you do end up estranged from your family, you won't be alone.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 17, 2026, 01:40:45 PMI am going to share what happened after my last session, warning this is dark and I wasn't planning on sharing this with all of you but I need to get this out.
Possible Trigger warning!


I don't know what triggered this but After my session last week I was feeling really bad about being trans and wanted to find a way to stop. I tried to find conversion therapy to see if it could make me not trans. I looked for several hours thinking if I was a willing participant it might work for me knowing I am 53 I thought it might get me to the end of my life. I never found a place offering it. Then I thought if I started on Testosterone maybe it could reverse my transness. I Was so disgusted with my in ability to hide what I am. I was just looking for a way back to the life I had before when I hid all this and had never told anyone. I wanted to undo my HRT and just give up. I felt like I would never move forward in my transition. Then I tried to do what she wanted for my agoraphobia, go to GP in person and had panic attacks just trying to find one. I already wrote about the dream I had earlier in the week so I documented my dark thoughts I am sorry if this is too much for all of you. I am still feeling like a liar and a fraud...I guess I told you all that today already.

You're not a liar or a fraud Tammy. You are being waaay to hard on yourself. Coming clean to medical staff was something I have been terrified of all my life but a health issue forced my hand and the reality of the situation was that everyone I have met with the exception of one doctor has been absolutely awesome. Frankly i have been scared for no reason. Go see your GP, explain what your history is and what your goals are and I will bet money that they will be professional and supportive and if they are not, find a one that is.

I have serious doubts that conversion therapy would work. But remember nobody is forcing you to transition if it's too much for you. I mean it is a lot to deal with, it's not an easy path but I am convinced that for the vast majority of us it will lead to a much happier life and an end to the turmoil of dysphoria.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 17, 2026, 02:20:21 PMYou're not a liar or a fraud Tammy. You are being waaay to hard on yourself. Coming clean to medical staff was something I have been terrified of all my life but a health issue forced my hand and the reality of the situation was that everyone I have met with the exception of one doctor has been absolutely awesome. Frankly i have been scared for no reason. Go see your GP, explain what your history is and what your goals are and I will bet money that they will be professional and supportive and if they are not, find a one that is.

I have serious doubts that conversion therapy would work. But remember nobody is forcing you to transition if it's too much for you. I mean it is a lot to deal with, it's not an easy path but I am convinced that for the vast majority of us it will lead to a much happier life and an end to the turmoil of dysphoria.

I have needed t transition my whole life. I have just been too poor or too afraid, or both. My therapist pointed out that I have these massive dark times then I take big steps forward. I guess this is another dark time. The issue for me is the agoraphobia that is preventing the GP visit. I am looking for one that is accepting but they all seem to be in these massive medical buildings that that I wouldn't be able to force my self into. I am still looking but the smaller doctors don't have information out there about if they accept transpeople. 

Quote from: tammy753 on August 17, 2026, 02:28:28 PMI have needed t transition my whole life. I have just been too poor or too afraid, or both. My therapist pointed out that I have these massive dark times then I take big steps forward. I guess this is another dark time. The issue for me is the agoraphobia that is preventing the GP visit. I am looking for one that is accepting but they all seem to be in these massive medical buildings that that I wouldn't be able to force my self into. I am still looking but the smaller doctors don't have information out there about if they accept transpeople. 

I don't really know much about the US medical system so I hope someone across the pond can offer some good advice, however, do some of your GP's not offer video appointments? I know my GP's do. It could be a way to get seen, find a supportive GP and build some rapour without agitating your agoraphobia. Maybe once you are comfortable with them it might alieviate the fear of going in person?

You know I am the same as you, too poor and too afraid growing up, nothing really has changed for me but the dysphoria is now so loud I can't just ignore it anymore or I'll go insane.

Sorry I didn't explain, The GP appointment is exposure therapy for my agoraphobia. She wants me to start going out to places. Telehealth doesn't qualify. I am suppose to have an inperson session with her at the end of the month but that seems impossible now. I was thinking of going as my true self but I dont think I can now. Like I said I needed that session today. Sorry if this is a lot.

The key to exposure therapy is baby steps.

If the GP visit is too much right now, work on a smaller goal. Start with something comfortable, like a walk in the park where there are people but not many. Go as yourself or in any way you are comfortable enough to blend in. When you can do that comfortably, stop somewhere that isn't crowded, like a food truck or buy some ice cream. You want something where you are doing something unthreatening, yet it has the face-to-face part for a very short time.

Keep working at it. Each time you can do a little thing without the world ending, you begin to build confidence. Then work on SLOWLY expanding your horizon.

Maybe even reward yourself with a gift or a small treat each time you succeed.

Baby steps. You've got this. You are stronger than you realize. We are all here to cheer you on. You can do this. Go, Tammy, go!

💕

Ah right I see. It's a bit extreme though trying to get you to go to a scary medical appointment with a GP in a big hospital to talk about trans issues just to get you out the house. What about making simpler goals like going to a park or for a quiet country walk? It seems to me that baby steps would be needed first of all.

How limiting is the agoraphobia? can you travel to work for example?

*Edit* I see Lori is offering the same advice! lol!

I work remotely now. I don't go to the office I have a ADA accommodation, American Disabilities Act, for my agoraphobia. Luckily my manager is fine with this arrangement.

I work from home to due to Misophonia. I get triggered by certain sounds such as keyboards clacking, paper rustling weird things like that. It can trigger anxiety attacks in me. I do go in if there other people I know there but i cannot do it on my own hotdesking.

Obviously this is not as serious as agoraphobia but I am an introvert who has no friends and no social life. I recognise this is unhealthy so this year i have been trying to get out on my own more, baby steps at first. I went for a walk along a quiet river gorge and back. Then I decided to start showing the fine people of Susans some of the local places of interest and used this as the reason to get out and about alone. I have been going to some of the busier landmark locations where there are more people and it is defintely getting easier. It has been working for me though it's all on hold while I do up my house right now. I don't suppose you are into photography and could do something similar? Maybe you can find a different reason to get out the house?

no I don't take photos I used to be an artist but I needed to have a place to live and food so I gave that up to work in IT. I have tried to resurrect that talent but its been dormant too long.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 18, 2026, 06:50:50 AMno I don't take photos I used to be an artist but I needed to have a place to live and food so I gave that up to work in IT. I have tried to resurrect that talent but its been dormant too long.

You should do it Tammy. What did you do? Painting? Drawing? Landscapes? Portaits? Landscapes would be a good one as you could go out into the sticks somewhere quiet to sketch or take pictures with your phone then have a go turning it into art at home. It would be a great way to take baby steps into the outdoors again. Your therapist would approve of that I'm sure.

I was a modern artist. I sold 4 paintings for less than I make in a day. So I couldn't find a life that way. I think most artists these days are from wealthy families or have families that are willing to help. I didn't have that option growing up, I was the one that helped with bills with after school jobs.

Yeah, I think with art it's not just about how talented you are there is definitely an element of who you know and a dash of luck thrown in there too. Still you should indulge yourself when you get the time if it's something you are passionate about. Maybe it's not going to get you out the house though. What other interests do you have?

So I have been thinking a lot, more accurately over analyzing the past 6 years. I realize I have a tendency to push people away when I start making connection with them. So if any of you feel like I am doing that please forgive me. Its a defense I developed over the last 50 years, I am working on it.

I also realized that I have an unhealthy obsession with Slushies. Last night I was drinking one and some subconscious part thought my couch looked thirsty because I spilled it into. At least it was artificial cherry so there is no way red food die stain right? I always wanted a purple couch anyways.

I also forgot to eat breakfast so I had to inhale some food to prevent my Lexapro from making me feel like crawling in a hole and dying. I am now moving that to the evenings so I can focus and not get so...I had this other thought I am remembered this art project I did where you take flat sheets of aluminum and you emboss patterns in ... I got my electric ratchet so i can install my fenders on my... I forgot to charge my headphones today so I took time to do that an clean them.


 

My mother always told me there would be days like that.

She didn't tell me they came in bunches like bananas.

😁

Quote from: tammy753 on August 19, 2026, 12:21:55 PMI realize I have a tendency to push people away when I start making connection with them. So if any of you feel like I am doing that please forgive me. Its a defense I developed over the last 50 years, I am working on it.

Sending you hugs 🫂 I totally feel that and do the same. The prospect can be overwhelming and easier to push up the defences and back off. Its easier than taking risks. I don't know with you, but for me its easier to reject myself rather than be rejected.

Charlotte ❤️

Quote from: Charlotte Kitty on August 19, 2026, 02:23:09 PMSending you hugs 🫂 I totally feel that and do the same. The prospect can be overwhelming and easier to push up the defences and back off. Its easier than taking risks. I don't know with you, but for me its easier to reject myself rather than be rejected.

Charlotte ❤️

Yeah my default is reject everyone without cause.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 19, 2026, 02:48:52 PMYeah my default is reject everyone without cause.

I'm usually the one being rejected so I'm used to it Tammy ha ha! I'll try not to take it personally if I get booted by you!

Sometimes though you just have to take a chance and let someone in.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 19, 2026, 03:15:56 PMI'm usually the one being rejected so I'm used to it Tammy ha ha! I'll try not to take it personally if I get booted by you!

Sometimes though you just have to take a chance and let someone in.

If you get that vibe from me just know I don't mean it. I am annoyingly moody and don't want to talk much some days. So I am saying I am jerk, I think.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 19, 2026, 03:19:32 PMIf you get that vibe from me just know I don't mean it. I am annoyingly moody and don't want to talk much some days. So I am saying I am jerk, I think.

I'll just assume it's your time of the month🤣

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 19, 2026, 03:22:30 PMI'll just assume it's your time of the month🤣

I mean if that was possible you would be spot on 🤣


So Today's post.
I have been in a fog I am shifting my Lexapro to the evening so I can sleep off the side affects. I have not been this clear in a month. So if you are on that, my opinion is DO NOT TAKE THAT AT 6:30AM!!!!!!! Seriously its like I have been sleeping for a month and am awake again.

And reminder pickles are still disgusting and should not be allowed to be served to human beings. What is wrong with these restaurants don't they know they are supposed to cater to my personal preferences first?

Quote from: tammy753 on August 20, 2026, 11:08:35 AMI mean if that was possible you would be spot on 🤣


So Today's post.
I have been in a fog I am shifting my Lexapro to the evening so I can sleep off the side affects. I have not been this clear in a month. So if you are on that, my opinion is DO NOT TAKE THAT AT 6:30AM!!!!!!! Seriously its like I have been sleeping for a month and am awake again.

And reminder pickles are still disgusting and should not be allowed to be served to human beings. What is wrong with these restaurants don't they know they are supposed to cater to my personal preferences first?

Hmmm there's definitely something wrong with you Tammy, best check in with your GP, pickles are awesome lol! Gerkins, piccalli, Branston Pickle, pickled cabbage, pickled ginger, pickled beetroot and pickled onions mmmmmm! I draw the line at pickled eggs though, that is a step too far!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 20, 2026, 04:25:04 PMHmmm there's definitely something wrong with you Tammy, best check in with your GP, pickles are awesome lol! Gerkins, piccalli, Branston Pickle, pickled cabbage, pickled ginger, pickled beetroot and pickled onions mmmmmm! I draw the line at pickled eggs though, that is a step too far!

Ok, maybe we aren't related. 🤣

My brain is not fogged out today. I moved my medication to 1:00 PM yesterday, and 8:00 PM tonight, that will be its new time. Its side effects should wear off while I sleep. I might need to go back to 6:00 AM if I find people too intolerable—not understanding people might be better than hearing the verbal garbage that spews from their faces.

My couch must not be thirsty anymore; I haven't given it any more to drink. It isn't as purple as I had hoped, so maybe it needs more slushie, TBD.

I don't know what I am supposed to write in a blog, so this is what you get.

I don't care what Sarah says. Pickles are gross! Don't listen to her, she is CRAAAAAZZZZYYYY.
It's Friday and the sun is shining, so I will need to crawl into bed and hide under the blankets. I don't want to burst into flames like a vampire.

I am making stuff up to write, is that obvious? You can go and rethink your decision to read this. Remember regretting reading my post is a you problem not a me problem.

I just write what ever I have been up to, it helps unclutter my mind.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 21, 2026, 09:56:09 AMOk, maybe we aren't related. 🤣

My brain is not fogged out today. I moved my medication to 1:00 PM yesterday, and 8:00 PM tonight, that will be its new time. Its side effects should wear off while I sleep. I might need to go back to 6:00 AM if I find people too intolerable—not understanding people might be better than hearing the verbal garbage that spews from their faces.

My couch must not be thirsty anymore; I haven't given it any more to drink. It isn't as purple as I had hoped, so maybe it needs more slushie, TBD.

I don't know what I am supposed to write in a blog, so this is what you get.

I don't care what Sarah says. Pickles are gross! Don't listen to her, she is CRAAAAAZZZZYYYY.
It's Friday and the sun is shining, so I will need to crawl into bed and hide under the blankets. I don't want to burst into flames like a vampire.

I am making stuff up to write, is that obvious? You can go and rethink your decision to read this. Remember regretting reading my post is a you problem not a me problem.

well, yeah maybe I am a little bit 🤣 and I do own a cat so could be a crazy cat lady!

It's good news about the brain fog though.

Your blog is there for you, use it however you want. You don't need to entertain us! Maybe be don't be as whingey as me though ha ha!

When you say Slushie are you talking about those cups of crushed ice with nuclear coloured syrup on them?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 21, 2026, 11:54:08 AMwell, yeah maybe I am a little bit 🤣 and I do own a cat so could be a crazy cat lady!

It's good news about the brain fog though.

Your blog is there for you, use it however you want. You don't need to entertain us! Maybe be don't be as whingey as me though ha ha!

When you say Slushie are you talking about those cups of crushed ice with nuclear coloured syrup on them?

Yep they have a food dye in them, with colors that can't exist in nature and probably contain enough chemicals to preserve you for 1000 years. But they are soo yummy so worth it!

Yeah The Brain fog is mostly gone. Its good for my not so good for my coworkers. I don't take things seriously and might, totally, curse to much. I would feel bad for them but they are being paid to tolerate me and they can hang up when ever they want.

I don't feel like talking today, I am usually like this if I spent a lot of time on the phone for work. I am not sure what causes that but I think I need to just recover.

So that is all took my pills on schedule still having issues grinding my teeth, Lexapro side affect. I would write something funny because I love to make people laugh but I am not up to it today.

I had trouble with teeth grinding from stress at work.

Spending a lot of time on the phone can be stressful work!

Quote from: tammy753 on August 22, 2026, 12:10:16 PMI don't feel like talking today, I am usually like this if I spent a lot of time on the phone for work. I am not sure what causes that but I think I need to just recover.

So that is all took my pills on schedule still having issues grinding my teeth, Lexapro side affect. I would write something funny because I love to make people laugh but I am not up to it today.

You're just talked out Tammy. I can get like that if the phones have been going nuts. It's just normal.

Chill baby, enhance your calm!

I decided to take yesterday off from computers I needed to disconnect. I ended up resting all day I think I am suffering from extreme burn out. I never seem to recover on the weekends. I am going to talk to my therapist about it but I needed to just not talk to anyone through any form yesterday.

So today was therapy. We talked about telling my brother. She didn't tell me what to do, but she thinks it's holding me back.

I told her about my dream—scroll up or over or where old posts go to die. She pointed out that it was about my past and when I didn't come out back in the '90s, and how I suppressed my true self for all those years. It also showed my strained relationship with my sister and my bad memories of my mother. I guess I never thought about all that when I thought about the dream.

On the plus side, Amazon has a deal on Kleenex so I am saving $1 on 4 boxes. That should get me through 1 or 2 more sessions. On that note, does anyone else cry through their nose first? I swear I have tear ducts in there or maybe my brain is sweating when she digs into my past. Either way, I should invest money in Kleenex.

Sorry, no joke again today—just a ton of tears and spent Kleenex. Are they recyclable? That would be gross.
I love paying someone to make me cry like a baby, it's so awesome.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 24, 2026, 04:40:56 PMSo today was therapy. We talked about telling my brother. She didn't tell me what to do, but she thinks it's holding me back.

I told her about my dream—scroll up or over or where old posts go to die. She pointed out that it was about my past and when I didn't come out back in the '90s, and how I suppressed my true self for all those years. It also showed my strained relationship with my sister and my bad memories of my mother. I guess I never thought about all that when I thought about the dream.

On the plus side, Amazon has a deal on Kleenex so I am saving $1 on 4 boxes. That should get me through 1 or 2 more sessions. On that note, does anyone else cry through their nose first? I swear I have tear ducts in there or maybe my brain is sweating when she digs into my past. Either way, I should invest money in Kleenex.

Sorry, no joke again today—just a ton of tears and spent Kleenex. Are they recyclable? That would be gross.
I love paying someone to make me cry like a baby, it's so awesome.

Aw sorry Tammy, sending you some transatlantic hugs!

Crying is all part of the healing process though.

Did you come to a conclusion about telling your brother?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 24, 2026, 04:47:19 PMAw sorry Tammy, sending you some transatlantic hugs!

Crying is all part of the healing process though.

Did you come to a conclusion about telling your brother?

Not yet. I wrote the letter a month ago. Part of me wants to get it over with and another part of me is afraid of ruining that relationship. I have pushed almost everyone away and he is the only family I talk to at this point so I am scared to tell him.

I can sypathise, I know how scary it is I have not dared tell my father yet for fear of loosing him. I'm not looking forward to that conversation! I have no brothers or sisters so it's just my parents and 1 friend. The risk of ending up totally alone is high which makes me very scared.

So, not a lot to say again. I have an assignment from my therapist to do a four-quadrant decision thing about telling my brother while he is here. I am currently putting it off because it's emotionally exhausting to think about that. I think I am back in school and will be doing my homework the night before it's due.

Not feeling great. I won't go into it too much, but I am no longer counting trips to the bathroom; I am counting the number of packages of toilet paper. You are welcome for the visual. Maybe I should use that to sleep at night instead of sheep. What kind of freak dreams about sheep anyway? Sorry if you are into sheep, I didn't think before I had that thought. What happens in the pasture stays in the pasture.

I found out I am also terrible with money. I like this singer named Danielle Nicole. She has a new album coming out Friday called Fireflies; I actually received my copies yesterday. Yep, I not only pre-ordered it, I pre-ordered the vinyl and CD signed combo. Then, in a master stroke of responsible spending, I pre-ordered it again. So, that is a nice gift for my brother when I see him. I didn't need groceries this month, right? I am not sure she would appreciate me promoting her album in a post about sheep, guess she should have paid me; lets keep that part between us.

So that is my update. I know it's a little boring, but there it is. If you have time tomorrow, check out the song "Soulside". It makes me feel good, maybe it will help you too.

I think this is where I write an open-ended question for people to reply to. Pretend like I have some amazing question you want to reply to, then do whatever you want—or at least give me a good eye roll. I am a Gen Xer; that is our love language.

I think I am getting the hang of this blog thing, before you know it I will have 1's of reader.

I'm still here Tammy lol! I love your self deprecating humour, it would fit right in over here in england!

You still buy vinyl! nice! I haven't bought it for ages but I have over 300 12"s 7"s and albums sitting next to me here. I miss going into the record shops and flicking through the collections. A lot of thrift shops sell classic vinyl now. I think I should start having a nosey and get some classics. I need a record player though. I sold my Technics 1210 about 10 years ago. I have seen some retro inspired teak players that might link to my Sonos system, might invest in that. I'm on the lookout for a 70's vintage media unit to put the player on too.

I have lived most of my life with aphantasia (no minds eye) so never understood the whole counting sheep thing. I thought it was something Welsh people did lol!

@tammy753

I love your humor too.

Maybe you should pre-order some toilet paper?

Wiped out: US faces surging toilet paper prices amid trade war with Canada
Paper products among hardest-hit sectors after trade negotiations broke down, with 25-50% tariffs estimated

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/aug/26/paper-product-toilet-paper-tariffs-us-canada

Thanks for the visuals.
🤣

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 26, 2026, 04:24:32 PMou still buy vinyl! nice! I haven't bought it for ages but I have over 300 12"s 7"s and albums sitting next to me here. I miss going into the record shops and flicking through the collections. A lot of thrift shops sell classic vinyl now. I think I should start having a nosey and get some classics. I need a record player though. I sold my Technics 1210 about 10 years ago. I have seen some retro inspired teak players that might link to my Sonos system, might invest in that. I'm on the lookout for a 70's vintage media unit to put the player on too.

I have spent a family sedan on Vinyl, I mostly collect signed albums. I started collecting when I went to a Blues Festival where Danielle Nicole was playing way back before my agoraphobia kicked in. I mostly just buy new releases these days but I have some pretty valuable ones too. I have been buying CDs before most people even knew they were a thing so I have a massive collections. I like to listen to albums over singles.

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 26, 2026, 04:33:24 PMMaybe you should pre-order some toilet paper?

Wiped out: US faces surging toilet paper prices amid trade war with Canada
Paper products among hardest-hit sectors after trade negotiations broke down, with 25-50% tariffs estimated

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/aug/26/paper-product-toilet-paper-tariffs-us-canada 🔗

Good Call!!! I am looking to have a truck full delivered later this week. That should get me through the current crisis, I hope. 🤣

Hi Tammy

I have been around Susan's for awhile and that is one of the most self deprecating, funny and humorous introductions that I have ever read it was a piece de resistance of ones life.  You are correct in what you wrote is right.  I don't know how I missed this blog.

Just to let you know if you want evidence of what you wrote, there is a function or button titled "print" where you can get a print out on screen of the blog page you are on and then of course you can copy and paste and print it out for the contentment of your therapist.

Now I'm going back to read the rest of the blog.

Once again brilliant Introduction to your blog.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@tammy753

Quote from: Sarah B on August 26, 2026, 07:25:18 PMI don't know how I missed this blog.

I am guessing you have good taste and judgment.

Quote from: Sarah B on August 26, 2026, 07:25:18 PMNow I'm going back to read the rest of the blog.

Ok, so maybe not, remember I wrote this no one is forcing you to read it....wait blink twice if you are tied up and they have taped your eyes open.

Never mind I am ok with captive readers.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 26, 2026, 08:10:21 PMOk, so maybe not, remember I wrote this no one is forcing you to read it....wait blink twice if you are tied up and they have taped your eyes open.

Never mind I am ok with captive readers.

🤣🤣🤣

Be careful tying up Sarah B. She is Down Under, so all the blood will rush to her head. 🙃

Quote from: tammy753 on August 26, 2026, 08:10:21 PMI am guessing you have good taste and judgment.

Ok, so maybe not, remember I wrote this no one is forcing you to read it....wait blink twice if you are tied up and they have taped your eyes open.

Never mind I am ok with captive readers.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂

So, I think I am turning into my mother. Neither one of us ever really cared for me.

I seem to have all these grand ideas for projects. I get all excited and I buy everything. Then, I do this unbelievable thing that she was the absolute master of: I pack it all up, put it in a closet, and completely forget about it. When we moved, we found one of the most memorable examples of the massive number she left behind—a project to make stuffed animals for us when we were little kids. We were in our 20s at the time.

Last night at 3:00 AM, I woke up and realized I am doing the exact same thing. Except, I don't have her excuse of raising three children as a single mom—not that those things actually take up time or anything.

Currently, I have these tote bags with bands on them that I was going to convert into purses. I bought shoulder strap material, zippers, color-matched thread, organizers that fit perfectly, D-rings, and all the other necessary hardware. Then, I did the most amazing thing. I put all the materials in the bag and sat it on the back of my desk. It will be forgotten there until I either move, or my landlord gets complaints about the smell of my decomposing body and sends someone to clean out my apartment. I also purchased materials to build drawers in the back of my Jeep. The wood is currently neatly stacked in a storage unit, where it will likely rot and grow into a new tree before I ever get that project done.

I don't feel like I am making progress on my transition. My therapist rolls her eyes at me, so I think she likes me, LOL. She then says, "You are in therapy, on HRT, planning to move to a new city to transition, etc." I tell her I didn't do anything this week, which makes her sigh. Then, I see her eyes turn into dollar signs like some kind of Looney Tunes cartoon character. I think she has her eyes on a mansion someplace tropical, and my issues are so severe I will be in therapy until I have paid for it—and a yacht to take her there.

I am still employed, but you can tell I don't care at all about my job. I am failing to even pretend these days. I do get in a lot of snarky comments lately, so at least that gives me a reason to log in every day.

I am working on my writing. I hope you can tell—if not, just lie to me and tell me it's awesome. I do enjoy writing, but we all need to keep that to ourselves. If my therapist finds out she was right, she will want a raise and won't be around long enough to treat all my issues.

Your writing is awesome. I just billed your therapist $50 to say that, so if she raises your rate, sorry. 🤣

I do the same thing with starting something, then postponing it. I don't forget about it, as I fully intend to get back to it one day when all of the other interruptions get out of the way.

I still have my living room and kitchen full of camping gear that was supposed to be moved to the Jeep for a weeklong trip to do some prospecting. That got put on hold while I wait for the VA to send the paperwork for a surgical consult on my knee.

One of my workbenches is set up for jewelry making. I collected or purchased rocks and spent months polishing them to make into jewelry. Then I started watching tutorials on how to do wirewrap jewelry. I made about fifty pieces and gave most of them away as gifts. I haven't made any in the year that I have lived here, but my workbench is covered in polished stones, wire, and all the necessary tools.

I'll get to it one day soon. I hope.

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 27, 2026, 06:24:18 PMYour writing is awesome. I just billed your therapist $50 to say that, so if she raises your rate, sorry. 🤣

I do the same thing with starting something, then postponing it. I don't forget about it, as I fully intend to get back to it one day when all of the other interruptions get out of the way.

I still have my living room and kitchen full of camping gear that was supposed to be moved to the Jeep for a weeklong trip to do some prospecting. That got put on hold while I wait for the VA to send the paperwork for a surgical consult on my knee.

One of my workbenches is set up for jewelry making. I collected or purchased rocks and spent months polishing them to make into jewelry. Then I started watching tutorials on how to do wirewrap jewelry. I made about fifty pieces and gave most of them away as gifts. I haven't made any in the year that I have lived here, but my workbench is covered in polished stones, wire, and all the necessary tools.

I'll get to it one day soon. I hope.

Hmmm, so she is bribing you to get me to give her a raise, you say? Well played. She is very sneaky. She asks me about my week and then 10 minutes later we are talking about my childhood trauma, not the snarky comments I make to my coworkers in hopes of getting fired so I get severance.

Yeah, I think we need a new day called "Someday." It will come midweek—we can throw out Wednesday, it's a useless day anyway. We can make all employers pay their staff to do their long-forgotten projects. I would probably take a personal day to avoid doing my own projects, but it's still a solid idea.

If you find gold, will you use that to make jewelry, or will it just sit in the corner until the dust mites take over your house and start a jewelry factory? If you can tame them, they are free labor. They do eat dead skin though, so watch out—they might turn into bloodthirsty vampires and overthrow you.

I love the way you think!

I don't use my gold for jewelry for a number of reasons.

It is just nuggets and flakes and requires being smelted down into pure gold before it can be used for anything.

Gold is very soft. Jewelry-grade gold is not pure gold. It is an alloy to make it more durable.

I have always said that I won't sell my gold until I collect enough to fill a Mason jar. That hasn't happened yet. However, I did sell my gold in South Dakota to pay for a passport, pay off my old Jeep, buy new struts and tires for it, and cover my move to Colorado.

So it was worth starting over.

Tammy, I have only known you a short while but something has changed in you since you first arrived, I think it might be the change in your meds routine. You make me laugh on here everytime I tune it to your blog!

I'm down with your idea of someday though instead of midweek I think it should be forever next week!🤣

From what you have told me you are making progress on your transition, you have made huge inroads into it. Like me you are just playing the long game is all. Do you keep photographs of yourself from back when you first started? If so I highly recommend taking a butchers at them, I'm betting you have changed loads. I would also encourage you or anyone in fact to keep a measurement log. I have one going back to 2015 when I first started dabbling in HRT. I find it a very validating thing to look back on and see progress.

A girl needs hobbies you should absolutely give writing a go, you have a skill for it. Also give the purses idea a run out too.

I think it comes from being alone but people like me, you and Lori need our hobbies to keep our minds active. I have a full woodworkers workshop and I have made a workbench, 3 wooden spoons and a spice rack ha ha! It's hardly worthy of the setup I have but it's there for when I need it! I also have a full bicycle workshop for building my own cycles,  a full top of the range set of wildlife and landscape photography kits, A massive collection of cookware for baking, breadmaking etc. When something captures my interest I go nuts and then the excitement fades and I find a new hobby. But, I do revisit them eventually so don't throw any of that stuff out. On "someday" you might just be glad you still had it.

You had me laughing at that post too Tammy.

Quote from: Petunia on August 28, 2026, 04:07:11 AMYou had me laughing at that post too Tammy.

Thanks, I enjoy writing them and I like making people laugh, I am sure there is a pathology there but lets not tell my therapist she doesn't need a second mansion.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 28, 2026, 01:41:41 AMTammy, I have only known you a short while but something has changed in you since you first arrived, I think it might be the change in your meds routine. You make me laugh on here everytime I tune it to your blog!

I'm down with your idea of someday though instead of midweek I think it should be forever next week!🤣

From what you have told me you are making progress on your transition, you have made huge inroads into it. Like me you are just playing the long game is all. Do you keep photographs of yourself from back when you first started? If so I highly recommend taking a butchers at them, I'm betting you have changed loads. I would also encourage you or anyone in fact to keep a measurement log. I have one going back to 2015 when I first started dabbling in HRT. I find it a very validating thing to look back on and see progress.

A girl needs hobbies you should absolutely give writing a go, you have a skill for it. Also give the purses idea a run out too.

I think it comes from being alone but people like me, you and Lori need our hobbies to keep our minds active. I have a full woodworkers workshop and I have made a workbench, 3 wooden spoons and a spice rack ha ha! It's hardly worthy of the setup I have but it's there for when I need it! I also have a full bicycle workshop for building my own cycles,  a full top of the range set of wildlife and landscape photography kits, A massive collection of cookware for baking, breadmaking etc. When something captures my interest I go nuts and then the excitement fades and I find a new hobby. But, I do revisit them eventually so don't throw any of that stuff out. On "someday" you might just be glad you still had it.

So I have these mood swings that you have probably noticed I am happy right now tomorrow who knows I may turn into a monster that likes country music and cowboy boots. So for measurements I don't think I want to know and I would need a team of sherpas to measurement right now. I will get to the those purses someday maybe, I love the idea and it would be fun but I am very busy vegetating on the couch at night.

When My grandfather was around I used to help him build all kinds of things and have built things for my family over the years. I no longer have access to a work shop but some day I will cut down that tree and build the storage in my jeep.

As for writing I briefly thought about writing a book but it would be a little sad filled with stories of counting the  plaster peaks on my ceiling and playing games on my phone to stop my self from rehashing every conversation I have everyday. Don't tell my therapist but the drugs have stopped some of that dwelling on every little detail that I do. Again I can't afford to pay her more so that is between us and he 8 billion people on the planet that can access a public internet connectio...there is a flaw in my plan isn't there. Dang it (I was going to say the F word but that would be wrong I am told. When I ever I sag "Dang it" you all need to know I mean the F word in this context as a sad realization way.).

See what I mean 🤣🤣

You should give the writing a go. They say everyone has at least 1 good book in them don't they? Yours might be about ceiling plaster peaks, who knows!

Hearing people say Dang it is so amusing to me as a Brit. It's just not something you hear very often! I have to watch what I type all the time, I was a tradesman for 17 years so I have perfected the art of colourful language. I can swear like a drunk sailor when I want to! Not exactly ladylike🤣

Welp, here we are again. If you are reading this, you should take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask, "What am I doing with my life that I waste time reading Tammy's blog?" Then go get pie instead. Pie solves everything—at least, that was how I was raised. I mean, the borderline diabetes not so much, but... don't take advice from me.

So, I woke up in a silly mode today and realized that the part of me that filters my thoughts has officially quit. I think it was something about me never listening to it. Too much work trying to censor the crazy, long working hours, whatever. Honestly, I wasn't listening.

My boss asked me for this week's accomplishments, and the first thing I said was, "I said the F-word 13% less this week, and I feel like that is personal growth." Not "I did all this important work that needed to be done." Nope. I cursed less. And I am not even sure if that is true.

Luckily, he has a sense of humor and asked, "Is that a KPI we should track?"

After I looked up what that was (because I suck at corporate speak), I said yes. Then I realized I will never be able to maintain that reduction. I followed up with, "Let's not track if I know when there is a serious ask of my manager, or I would get fired." So, as you can see, I am an outstanding employee.

I remember reading books to try and find my creativity before Covid. I felt like I had lost my edge at work. Now I realize this blog is my new creative outlet. So, thanks for indulging me, even though I warned you off. Seriously, you are still reading this? Wow, I thought I made poor decisions.

Anyway, I am enjoying it so much I am toying with the idea of writing a book. I think my title sucks, though: "Agoraphobia and the Lost Transwoman: Emotional Eating and Self-Loathing Included with Purchase."

Time for another perfectly written transition to a new topic. Honestly, you came here, ignored the warning, and expected better?

I think I told you that my brother is in town. He doesn't know I have been writing, but the way I have been talking to people has shifted. Sarah has noticed that. I am both dreading and excited to see him. Usually, he borrows my car when he is in town. I let him drive my Mustang, which you would think is a pretty great deal. But instead of enjoying the car, he decided to weigh in on my interior design choices. Specifically, the 10-foot USB cables I keep in there.

He asked if I was trying to charge my phone from the moon.
I told him the wire didn't bother me, but apparently, according to him, the giant bundle of cord is "annoying when other people are in the car." I asked him why on earth I would let other people in the car. He is one of those weird types that likes people. I think I am adopted, or he was dropped on his head a lot. But because sibling peer pressure is a powerful drug, I folded. I bought 3-foot USB cables from Amazon. But I am going to hide them in the car. Then, when he complains, I will reach in and say, "They're right here, why didn't you use them?"

I also had to deal with Amazon delivery drivers delivering my packages to Australia instead of my apartment. I complained like a total Karen that I want a new delivery driver if they can't manage to read the address—and the globe. I was such a whiny Karen that they gave me a $20 credit and a full refund. So, I guess being a terrible person worked out.

Honestly, I had to do it. I don't want to play "Where's Waldo" with my neighbors just to find my package of canned sausage gravy. They really don't need to know that I eat sausage-flavored goo out of a can that is between me and my very angry colon.

So, there it is. Another installment of You Make Bad Choices. You made it to the end, proving you can't take a warning. Seriously, you are still reading?

Since you obviously are still waiting for me to make a point, I will leave you with this description of the concentration issues Lexapro was causing me:
It's like being strapped into a Tilt-A-Whirl that is rocketing through Las Vegas at midnight, and every time you start to form a thought, it's ripped away like an overly sticky Band-Aid.

That's it. No profound thought—not sure I can have those. No open-ended question that drives conversations. Just a reminder: pickles are still gross, and Jeeps are awesome! And talk to your therapist about your inability to take warnings seriously.

Tammy, I read it all and loved it.

Why? You aren't the only person who doesn't always think in straight lines.

I often think why can't the simple things in life just be simple?

You have given me pause to think about agoraphobia.

In my teens and through to my early forties I did everything I possibly could to avoid go out in social situations. I know it's not the same thing, but there was something in me that prevented me from going places with a lot of people. It didn't matter if it was with friends or not.

I probably haven't gotten past that feeling but I'm not as bad as I was. My way of dealing with it is no longer loading up on alcohol.

I enjoy reading everybodies experiences and yours have a big slice of entertainment in there when you feel more exhuberent.

I hope things go well with your brother. I know you can see some steps in front of you that you are looking at taking.

From your description of your brother he seems like a nice guy. I hope he reacts well but you never know until you have a go

Quote from: Petunia on August 28, 2026, 04:29:43 PMTammy, I read it all and loved it.

Why? You aren't the only person who doesn't always think in straight lines.

I often think why can't the simple things in life just be simple?

You have given me pause to think about agoraphobia.

In my teens and through to my early forties I did everything I possibly could to avoid go out in social situations. I know it's not the same thing, but there was something in me that prevented me from going places with a lot of people. It didn't matter if it was with friends or not.

I probably haven't gotten past that feeling but I'm not as bad as I was. My way of dealing with it is no longer loading up on alcohol.

I enjoy reading everybodies experiences and yours have a big slice of entertainment in there when you feel more exhuberent.

I hope things go well with your brother. I know you can see some steps in front of you that you are looking at taking.

From your description of your brother he seems like a nice guy. I hope he reacts well but you never know until you have a go

He is a great person if a little selfish, he is the first born and I think he still holds a little grudge that me and my sister were born. I get it some days I am annoyed too but that is what therapy is for.

You are describing my childhood perfectly I never wanted to go to Restaurants or stores. When I was younger and could stay up all night I would go to the store at 4 AM to avoid running into people. I think COVID pushed me over the edge into Agoraphobia. I wasn't forced into the world anymore and now I can't deal with it.

I never was a drinker the smell of alcohol reminds me of the Ice Tea my grandmother would leave in the Friday for a week and you didn't know it was that old and took a big swig. They you would spring like a track and field star to the sink and spit it out and then rinse your mouth out for 45 minutes. Honestly if you want your kids not to drink this worked for me.

I found covid to be ok. We were required to go to work, but outside of work we were supposed to stay away from other people. 

Cool.

I discovered alcohol in my late teens. I never knew how to talk to people or how to behave in groups, so I took on a personna of the most gonzo stories I heard from other people.

It was the easist way to get through life.

When I felt I was drinking too much, I simply retreated inside myself and isolated for weeks at a time, work aside.

Even at work, I never really mixed like other people do. I'd get my jobs for the day and immediately grab my gear and head off leaving everyone else to chitchat.

I wanted to get my jobs done and get out.

Never went to any work gatherings outside of work either, well not until I'd been their for 35 or so years.

I think I now know part of the problem.😀

🤣🤣🤣

Well done getting £20 off Jeff Bezoz! please tell me they sent you a photo of someone in Australia's front door as proof of delivery ha ha! That is such an almighty cock up I would have pushed for a trip on his giant dick rocket for that one ha ha! hmmm, perhaps I haven't phrased that well!

Have you decided whether you will tell your brother yet? He sounds pretty cool to me, he might surprise you. You sound a lot happier, he will probably see that in you.

I still think your meds need adjusting, pickles are awesome!

mmmm pies! I could murder a steak and ale pie right about now.

I can send you a picture of an almighty cock up in an Australian door front

Quote from: Petunia on August 28, 2026, 04:51:15 PMI can send you a picture of an almighty cock up in an Australian door front

Oops, I should have been a bit more circumspect with that comment.
Mods, I meant it as a stuff up in case it's lost in interpretation

  @tammy753
Dear Tammy:
I have to ask you.... is your boss keeping a KPI score on you?  Has your score been going up, hopefully?

Another question I have:  Why are the Amazon delivery drivers delivering your packages to Australia???
That is a long way off course... halfway around the world.  Good for you that you complained and
got a $20 credit and a refund too.  Sometimes complaining works... that will certainly boost your KPI score.
By the way: I also like canned sausage gravy, the more the better, but of course I like gravy on my
various foods and meals, lots of gravy please.

When you publish your book, let me know so that I can purchase a copy; 
   "Agoraphobia and the Lost Transwoman: Emotional Eating and Self-Loathing Included with Purchase."

Your brother should be pleased that you are permitting him to drive your Mustang...  are there good
things that you appreciate your bother for when he comes to visit?  Gassing up your car?  Buying groceries,
washing dishes, mowing your lawn, etc?
Regarding your charging cords in your car, that is your business, not his... and did you tell him that he
could have his friends in your car when he borrows it? ... or did he neglect to ask you?

OK now, I have read your repeated warning regard you Blog Thread... and I sill am self-compelled to read
it... does that make me weird?  By the way, I like pickles and I like Jeeps however I own a SUV and a pickup truck, both 4 wheel drive, very handy for the severe weather where I live.

I will be eagerly looking for and reading the next installment of your Blog... I am hooked.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
  Forum Administrator

Quote from: Petuni
quote author=Petunia link=msg=2352107 date=1787953875]
I can send you a picture of an almighty cock up in an Australian door front

a link=msg=2352108 date=1787953947]
Oops, I should have been a bit more circumspect with that comment.


[/quote] Ha ha! Cheeky! Good job I'm not easily shocked or offended lol!

And for the record, please god don't send me one ha ha!

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on August 28, 2026, 04:54:55 PMAnother question I have:  Why are the Amazon delivery drivers delivering your packages to Australia???...

I should have been clearer—when I said Australia, I meant the apartment building next door. But for someone like me, it might as well be Australia. Also, who doesn't love a canned goo that makes a plop sound as it exits the can in the exact same shape it was confined in for a year? Add in some buttermilk biscuits and you have the perfect recipe to avoid getting old enough to need diapers.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on August 28, 2026, 04:54:55 PMYour brother should be pleased that you are permitting him to drive your Mustang...

No, I don't care if he has people in the car. I have actually been thinking about selling it; the cost to put gas in it is so high I never drive it, and my Jeep fits my needs better. It makes me feel safe. When you have agoraphobia, you are always looking for escape routes, and my Jeep can just about go anywhere. Curbs are a mere suggestion. I have never needed to force my way out of a situation, but I find it comforting that I can just take off when needed.

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on August 28, 2026, 04:54:55 PMOK now, I have read your repeated warning regard you Blog Thread... and I sill am self-compelled to read it... does that make me weird?

Yes, but that is okay. I think you said you have a therapist, so this will just give you something new to talk about with them. You can explain that you are willingly communicating with a crazy person on the internet, and then they can make you cry like mine does me. I think I saw a plaque on her wall that said "Sponsored by Kleenex" or something like that. Not sure.

Thanks for making a bad decision and reading my posts. I know you will grow to regret it, and that is something to be celebrated.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 28, 2026, 04:48:39 PMHave you decided whether you will tell your brother yet? He sounds pretty cool to me, he might surprise you. You sound a lot happier, he will probably see that in you.

No, I haven't. I have to do my corporate homework of a 4-quadrant chart pro/con thing. I swear I never wanted to do reports for a living, and here I am prepping a presentation for a meeting and paying for the privilege. I know it will help, but I just can't stop laughing at the idea of having avoided doing this kind of work for my entire career and paying someone to tell me to do it. I am leaning toward no, but I also just want to get it over with so... no idea right now. WOW, I could have just said "I don't know." One thing I am not is concise.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 28, 2026, 04:48:39 PMI still think your meds need adjusting, pickles are awesome!

I keep thinking we were separated at birth, and then you point out we aren't even close to being related.

I got your meaning Tammy but it was more fun to run with it.🤣

Quote from: tammy753 on August 29, 2026, 07:24:31 AMI keep thinking we were separated at birth, and then you point out we aren't even close to being related.

Sister from another mister then?

Not feeling great today I really think my body just shuts down on the weekend.

So I will give you a likely cause that isn't stress but will cause you some distress.

Tammy's Life-Shortening Burrito Slop
Prep Time: 12 Hours (Mandatory)
Cook Time: 90 Seconds
Servings: 1 (Or until you lose feeling in your left arm)
INGREDIENTS
•   1 Beef and Cheese Burrito (You can use any burrito you like, except chicken. I don't know what kind of sicko likes chicken in a burrito but just NO.)
•   1/2 Bag of 90-Second Spanish Rice (Not that organic stuff that will taste good on its own. We want the chemically preserved kind that will keep your corpse looking fresh for 100 years.)
•   1 "Serving" of Monterey Jack or Other Shredded Cheese (And when I say serving, I mean enough that the rice and burrito completely disappear under a dairy mountain so you can ensure your arteries remain nice and clogged.)
•   1 Bottle of Hot Sauce (You need to add enough that you start to sweat as you are eating.)

DIRECTIONS
1. Heat up the rice in the microwave
2. The 12-Hour Thaw: You must defrost the burrito the night before. You don't want one bite to be hot as the sun and the other frozen solid. You want those chemical preservatives that keep them good in the freezer for 6 months piping hot. Cook the burrito for half the time on the package
3. Dump half the bag of boiling hot 90-second chemical treated rice onto the plate.
4. Smother the entire plate in your Monterey Jack cheese until the burrito and rice are fully covered
5. Microwave the whole plate together until it fuses into one glorious, melted mass.
6. Drown the plate in hot sauce until you start perspiring just looking at it. Eat and enjoy shortening your lifespan knowing those adult diapers won't be a concern.

And I am thinking this is the new title for my book I will never write. I was thinking this would be  funny joke to keep making the name worse but If I was going to write a book this it a great title. So I am a failure at this title thing, expected: "Brain Sweating and Agoraphobia: The Self-Confined Life of a Trans Person"

If your hair/head doesn't get wet, your sauce is not hot enough.

Today's recipe brought to you by stress and the mental effort of simply  getting through a working week without losing your s.

Just so you can collapse into weekend recovery in order to do it all again come Monday.
Never heard of that before.
🧡

You should be writing a cookery book Tammy "The self-contained trans culinary masterclass".

Jebaz! That is heart attack on a plate! Any chance of some veggies with that? lol!

Sometimes though, dirty comfort food is exactly what you need. I love cooking but there are times when a fish finger sandwich or tinned hotdog sausages and beans on toast with cheese on top is the absolute gold standard way to fix a depressing mood!

Just maybe throw the odd salad in there Tammy🤣🤣🤣🤣

Quote from: tammy753 on August 28, 2026, 04:15:04 PMWelp, here we are again. If you are reading this, you should take a long, hard look in the mirror and ask, "What am I doing with my life that I waste time reading Tammy's blog?" Then go get pie instead.

Pie only gets you so far.
Reading your blog now and then is like a Tornado cleaning out garbage from the sponge between my ears.
🥰

Quote from: Finally Anna on August 30, 2026, 04:28:02 AMPie only gets you so far.
Reading your blog now and then is like a Tornado cleaning out garbage from the sponge between my ears.
🥰

I like the idea of me being the Tasmanian Devil destroying parts of your mind. I am not sure this is a compliment, but I am going to choose to believe it is.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 30, 2026, 03:52:21 AMSometimes though, dirty comfort food is exactly what you need. I love cooking but there are times when a fish finger sandwich or tinned hotdog sausages and beans on toast with cheese on top is the absolute gold standard way to fix a depressing mood!

Just maybe throw the odd salad in there Tammy

The US is in a crisis with our lettuce, you know. It's infected with a parasite that causes explosive diarrhea. Mine seems to come out of my mouth, so I'm not sure adding another salad is a good idea. Adding another salad is like Wile E. Coyote buying dynamite from Acme and blowing himself up. He didn't follow the directions and blew himself up. I would be blasting myself into space, but you get my point.

This post was sponsored by the Acme Corporation.

The local farm stand sells lettuce for $3.50 a head. I buy my corn and peaches from them after I finish a round of golf or otherwise find myself driving down that road.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 30, 2026, 08:34:54 AMI like the idea of me being the Tasmanian Devil destroying parts of your mind. I am not sure this is a compliment, but I am going to choose to believe it is.

Of course it is (a compliment). I wouldn't be reading and certainly not commenting unless I enjyed your blog and meant it in a positive way. Hmmm, Tasmanian Devil? Are you sure your deliveries aren't supposed to be going to that Australia?

Ok, here is the thing: I will try and explain what I feel when I go to a new place or have to meet new people.

Here is an example from today so you can understand how this stupid condition affects me. I promise it won't be long—who am I kidding, I have never been able to keep it short. So, brace yourself for a crazy ride. I have a Mustang—have I mentioned it enough yet? I don't drive it much, mostly because of the gas prices and because I feel like my Jeep is the ultimate escape vehicle. You see, what I am always looking for when I go somewhere is a way to escape. Quick example from my not old and decrepit years: I used to hate going to family reunions, mostly because they were filled with family, but also because they would block me in and I would be trapped there the entire day. So, after I was old enough to choose not to go, I wouldn't.

Anyway, today is my monthly self-destructive trip to the closest Taco Bell that still serves breakfast near me. I am driving the Mustang since mostly it sits in the parking lot looking pretty, seeking out one of the last bastions of Taco Bell breakfast across—20 of the world's most boring miles north of my house, unless you like staring at farmland for 25 minutes. I am seeking out a Sausage CrunchWrap; it has the right mix of soul-crushing sadness and cheese that makes for a great fast-food breakfast.

I am driving the Mustang because I need to drive it at least once a month to keep the battery charged up. It's, of course, sucking fumes from the tank like a 5-year-old trying to get the last sip of a milkshake. Ok, it had a quarter tank, but wasn't that a cool analogy? Anyway, I saw the gas station across the street had no customers. This is super exciting for me, so I pull in and start pumping the decomposed dinosaurs into the tank, and in pulls another person needing T-Rex juice. I think about leaving, but they head inside and don't come back. He looked to be over 70, so I assume he has a prostate problem and is headed to the bathroom to try and pee.

So, I continue fueling up and in pulls another car. I looked at the pump—I was at 8 gallons. Luckily, this person parked on the other side of the old man's truck, so they couldn't stare at me. So, I finished and raced out of there.

That is what my mind does when I have to go anywhere in public. Notice I didn't go into a store and have to deal with in-person interaction. I just went to a self-service pump, and the one all the way on the end where no one could be behind me at the pump. This is how screwed up I am.
Contrary to what television shows always portray, agoraphobia doesn't mean we can never leave our homes. We can leave. I just have to do it entirely on my own terms. I may never be able to go inside a retail store or stand around large groups of blood-sucking vultures—sorry, people, I meant people.

Well, if you haven't left by now, you definitely need to rethink what that says about you and your decision-making abilities.

Since you are still reading, I need to clear some stuff up. In my previous post, I suggested you get pie when things go wrong. I stand by that, but it does come with downsides. First, for those not from the US, when I say pie, I mean the kind that is filled with fruit that will give you diabetes and regrets if you can't stop at one piece—and who can when they are alone? Not the kind with meat in them. In the US, we call those Pot Pies. I have no idea who names stuff over here, but they really need to be fired.

So, here are the downsides. Did you know they make pie out of weeds? I think they call it rhubarb. Yep, a weed that grows wild, and you know what else? You can't tell what it is until you bite into it. These sick people hide it under a crust so it looks like something tasty. Also, did you know that a lot of the fruit we use has cyanide in it? Yep, it's slowly killing you. You're welcome, pie lovers.

Then there is the worst of all: Pecan Pie. The world's most bland-tasting nut floating on a brown goo that is entirely sugar and butter. Yep, this is a guaranteed path to diabetes.

So, with all that new information, I still stand by my recommendation. Yes, you may have to have a diabetic amputation, and yes, you will feel bad about yourself for losing control. But dammit, it's delicious, and isn't that all that matters? I mean, you were born with two legs—do you really need them both? Think how good you will be at jumping rope.

Is it just me, or do you think Susan should put a word limit on my posts? I mean wow, I didn't write this much in all my years in school combined. I encourage you to file a complaint. Here is some sample text:

"Susan, I have stumbled onto Tammy's Blog and I think you need to think about reigning her in. She appears to think it's a place where she can waste storage on the server and make unfunny jokes. Please consider banning her for life, or at least put a 300-word limit on her posts."

See? I am making it easy.

🤣🤣 You are nuts Tammy and I like it ha ha!

For the record we have fruit or sweet pies over here too you know. Where do you think you guys got apple pie from in the first place!

I do love a blackberry and apple pie or a cherry pie, or an apple and cinamon pie. And yeah rhubarb rocks! so do gooseberries. Both make fantastic pie or crumble (If you haven't tried Crumble with custard Tammy, I bet you you would love it). Also spotted dick or sticky toffee pudding with custard. Us brits do make some very nice puddings you know.

Dammit you are making me hungry! I'm on a diet you know!

I did not realise agoaraphobia was quite like that i must admit. I cannot deal with crowds at all if I go to town I have to go for 8:00 or 8:30 and be gone by 9:00 to avoid the hordes. I can sometimes be in a shop and I get a panic flight or fight reaction and have to leave immediately (or fight someone I suppose!) I have misophonia (extreme sensitivity to certain sounds) and this can overwhelm me, crowds can trigger it as can shop music unless it's really chilled. I mostly shop online now or go to quiet out of town shops instead.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on August 30, 2026, 04:17:23 PMI have misophonia (extreme sensitivity to certain sounds) and this can overwhelm me, crowds can trigger it as can shop music unless it's really chilled. I mostly shop online now or go to quiet out of town shops instead.

I have something similar mine is the sound of a human voice and the sound of a banjo. A banjo playing brings nothing good. You know someone is going to say "Ya'll watch this" and vast amount of stupidity will flood the air like hordes of Locusts.

You can say I don't like the banjo. Did you email Susan, you really should?

Quote from: tammy753 on August 30, 2026, 04:21:16 PMI have something similar mine is the sound of a human voice and the sound of a banjo. A banjo playing brings nothing good. You know someone is going to say "Ya'll watch this" and vast amount of stupidity will flood the air like hordes of Locusts."

You can say I don't like the banjo. Did you email Susan, you really should?

I've seen deliverence, an aversion to banjo music is healthy in my humble opinion!

Yes Rhubarb crumble is the best followed by apple and blackberry crumble with lots of custard, much better than pie! Treacle tart is an artery plug waiting to happen!

SO I have been over thinking my experience from yesterday. I realized I was panicking at the gas station and I kept wanting the pump to go faster. I am not sure why that was but I was really annoyed that other people existed and they had to invade my personal gas station. I have been on a call since 8:45 this morning and had plenty of time to overthink yesterday a ton. I feel like I am getting worse.

Quote from: tammy753 on August 31, 2026, 10:22:55 AMSO I have been over thinking my experience from yesterday. I realized I was panicking at the gas station and I kept wanting the pump to go faster. I am not sure why that was but I was really annoyed that other people existed and they had to invade my personal gas station. I have been on a call since 8:45 this morning and had plenty of time to overthink yesterday a ton. I feel like I am getting worse.

I don't know Tammy, you are able to see that there was an issue there and you are actively looking for the solution. That shows a self awaerness of your problems and a willingness to find solutions. You will get there I'm sure. You will have a great example to talk to your therapist about though.

If you can't find a solution you could always buy an electric car and charge it up at home! No more gas stations lol!

Tammy, have you thought about headphones or earplugs and then sunglasses.

Perhaps that will reduce the outside stimulus and maybe you can cope a bit better?

So today was therapy, and my therapist corrected me. She is sponsored by Puffs. I now need to check the fine print on my intake paperwork and see if my using Kleenex opens me up to a lawsuit.

We talked about my homework, and it turns out my cowardice/fear has won. I am not going to tell my brother that I am trans next week when I see him. I am going to try and subtly feel him out on the topic if I can. I think I will ask, "What would you think if I was trans?" Ok, maybe more subtly than that. I am sure there will be another news story about more of our rights being taken away that the orange orangutan in office will have snuck out on Labor Day. They always like to do terrible things on holidays so that will give me an opening, I think. If not, this will be the last time I see him without telling him that I found out I can tolerate Catalina chicken at Taco Bell, and that I am trans. The chicken thing might be more shocking.

I told her about the episode of people invading my private gas station stop and that I thought I was getting worse. Of course, she pointed out that I didn't break down sobbing at the start of my session; in fact, I didn't even mention it until the end. Apparently, assaulting all of you with my stories is letting me work these issues out. She didn't roll her eyes at me so I don't think she likes me, but I can live with it.

I did send her a link to this blog, so if you see a lurker here, it might be her. Just know she is getting intel into my disturbed mind. If I were you, I would go read a sales paper or something instead of this. I hear Rally's has a 2 for $5 sandwich deal. Dammit, I ruined the end to that one. Well, I am sure you can find another one.

So that wraps up the therapy recap: coward, possible chicken tolerance (I am disturbed too), spoiler about Rally's, and apparent progress that doesn't feel like progress.
That's all for today. You're welcome—this time it's less than 1,000 words, so I call that growth or mental exhaustion. I did have a much heavier topic about the history that led up to my agoraphobia, but I am not ready to share that.

As for writing a book, my therapist did think it would be a good idea, but then again, she may just be sick of my voice and thought she could just get the CliffsNotes or an AI summary. Not sure, thoughts?


Sponsored by Puffs (Please don't sue me I didn't read the fine print)

      @tammy753

Dear Tammy:
Please keep us updated regarding
Your brother.
HUGS, Danielle

🤣🤣🤣 You brighten my days with this blog Tammy!

On a more serious note, sounding out your brother isn't a bad idea but if he doesn't react the way you think he will it doesn't necessarily mean he will be negative towards you. Be careful not to read too much into it. From what you have told us so far, he will still be the the best chance for a positive response. Some men might feel uncomfortable saying they are cool with transwomen from a male macho bullcrap perspective but when faced with someone they love transitioning they change their tune completely.

I think we are all invested in your journey now but only share what you feel up to sharing. If you aren't ready to share then don't.

I will look forward eagerly to the next installment!

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on August 31, 2026, 11:46:50 PMPlease keep us updated regarding
Your brother.
HUGS, Danielle

Honestly I think he will be ok, I fear it will strain that relationship heavily and I like where we have gotten to in our older ages. We are both over 50 of course and I spent most of my youth angry at that I was and took it out on everyone, hmmm i should talk to my therapist about that; sounds expensive. So I think its just fear of the unknown.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 01, 2026, 01:45:09 AMI will look forward eagerly to the next installment!

Send me a signal if you are being forced to read this. I won't care but it would be nice to know that someone is helping force people to read my blog.

On a side note I have not received notice that I am banned yet so you all have dropped the ball, so thanks or the banning system is broken.

Quote from: Petunia on August 31, 2026, 05:21:14 PMTammy, have you thought about headphones or earplugs and then sunglasses.

Perhaps that will reduce the outside stimulus and maybe you can cope a bit better?

No I would not want to have headphones. Its the fear of people behind me and staring at me neither will address that. Like I said I am a therapist gold mine or mind of issues.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 01, 2026, 05:32:17 AMNo I would not want to have headphones. Its the fear of people behind me and staring at me neither will address that. Like I said I am a therapist gold mine or mind of issues.

Horse blinkers?😜😜

Joking aside that does sound awful. You must be living in total paranoia everytime you go out. I wish you lived near me, I would go out with you so you can try to aclimatise to it. Do you have any friends nearby who could go on "training runs" with you?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 01, 2026, 07:56:42 AMDo you have any friends nearby who could go on "training runs" with you?

No I had a work friend but I pushed then away now I don't have any left. I am going on a offroading trip with my brother next week we will will see how that goes. we are stopping at a Trailhead for lunch so that will be something. I am not looking forward to it to be honest. He wanted to go to a restaurant but I am not up to that.

Well I can't be critical given I only have one friend left ha ha! I don't push them away either, they all just leave me of their own accord so that makes me sadder in my book!

When you are out with your brother see if his presence lessens the agoraphobia or not.

I should probably preach on about the mental health benefits of having a supportive social circle but given that I have no idea how to find one I'll let others chip in on that front.

My brother texted me, which is not unusual since we text each other stupid jokes all the time, or I tell him how we have IT Engineers that are supposed to build systems for our entire staff and I wouldn't let them wipe my Etch A Sketch. Someone really needs to reign in my storytelling, I am clearly not capable of that. Anyway, he texted me "Is this true?" then nothing. The bastard said nothing. My brain immediately thought, did he figure out I am trans? Did he know that I bought a Lady Gaga CD? And the big one, did he find out I can tolerate Catalina chicken from Taco Bell, OH NOOOO? So that happened today. I am going to do you a favor so you understand my panic: I am going to hold the rest of this story until the end.

I have been thinking I am not excited about buying a house. I live in less than 800 square feet. I don't need 1500–2000 square feet. I do want a garage and a place to hide from other humans with a moat and a drawbridge. Maybe automated turrets that fire pepper spray balls—I don't need corpses decomposing outside, think of the flies and the smell. And full attack dogs and razor wire. And... sorry, I got lost in my house plans. I just don't need a 2000-square-foot home that will cost more to heat, cool, and defend from the herds of blood-sucking humans. I think about the fact that I have to deal with insurance, higher utilities, house issues, and worst of all, neighbors. That's compounded if they have a bunch of partially formed humans that they created like a genetic experiment.

The problem is that I looked at rental prices in Pueblo and the average is 1200–1800, and I can get a house for less than that. At least if I buy a house, I can install a fortified wall with razor wire around it to keep their demon spawn out of my yard.

I know it sounds like I don't like children, but that isn't true. I just don't like them near me. If you have children, well, that is a you problem. I didn't make that mistake, and I shouldn't have to hear them screaming or breathing. Wow, maybe I do hate children. Can someone contact my therapist? She isn't taking my calls. "I'm overworked" and "you need to consider being institutionalized" or "did you take your meds?" blah, blah, blah... Yes, I took my meds 21 hours ago.... They wore off around now, maybe I need to write this in the morning when they are still full strength.

So that is it. I feel like I am forgetting something, I am sure one of you will remind me what it is.

Sponsored by the number 8 and Slushies, dammit now I want a slushie off to Sonic!

Nooooooooo!You can't leave it there! Was it true???!!! FFS! What the hell was he on about?

Don't be a tease! I'll be off to bed soon!

I have no kids either, I hate the screaming, wailing and crying from annoying kids but I'm not a child hater. I like the quiet inquisitive ones though I'm always a little uncomfortable around them. I'm not entirely sure how they work, what are you supposed to do with them etc!

I just bought a 2 bed bunglalow with front and rear gardens a garage and a conservatory. I can't imagine I will ever need anything else. I can lie back in my garden and watch the wheels of the airliners nearly brush the treetops over my garden. All very exciting stuff! I probably could have rented somewhere but there is nothing quite like having your own pile of bricks and mortar, or whatever you Americans use, balsa wood and drywall it seems.

Tammy, just in case you haven't worked it out...

Most people don't really look. Those that do look are generally too polite to say anything.

You might find the only comment might be something gendered like SIR or mam.

Even if your brother does suspect something he is probably to nice to bring it up.

You might find that you have to say something like, I have something I have to tell you. I'm not certain but I think I might be trans.

You can find smaller (less than 1,000 sq. ft.) older homes for sale around Pueblo and in outlying areas. Most were built in the early 1900s, so they are small. The further west you go, they get smaller, and some are even called cabins. Watch out for those, as many lack running water. The older homes are nice; some are dumps, so you need to look at the realtor photos carefully. If you don't mind strong storms and hot summers, look to the east of Pueblo out in the plains, like Baxter, Avondale, or Boone. They are small towns (possibly Trumpish), but the prices are pretty good for the amount of home you can get.

For myself, I am looking for something over 1,000 sq. ft. because... well... mining equipment takes up space. And I want to be fairly close to a VA Clinic for my medical care.

If you have specific questions about the area, you can email me at LoriDee605@outlook.com

@Lori Dee Thanks for the offer I will probably look for a 2 br and 2 bath. I work remote and will need to work for a few more years after the move. I have been saving a long time to own a house it just seems over whelming sometimes. I think I try and talk my self out of things.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 01, 2026, 04:29:04 PMNooooooooo!You can't leave it there! Was it true???!!! FFS! What the hell was he on about?

😈I warned you I am mean!

Quote from: Petunia on September 01, 2026, 05:07:53 PMMost people don't really look. Those that do look are generally too polite to say anything.

Are you secretly my therapist? You haven't billed me for a few weeks thanks!

So I don't have a lot to say. Calm down, we don't need the noisemakers and confetti.

My brother texted me "Is this true?" then nothing. He, of course, doesn't know I have my top-secret transness. So then he decided to send me this huge meme file that froze up and caused the long delay. My mind, of course, immediately thought he knew my secret. Or someone told him I could tolerate chicken. But no, it was a stupid meme about traffic in a city I used to have to drive every day. I am considering suing him for almost causing me a heart attack. Sorry I didn't finish the story yesterday, but I thought cutting it off would get across the panic I felt.

Speaking of panic, I have been having, let's call them, Emergency Evacuations. I have figured out all those cool water enhancers are incompatible with my colon. You know those water rockets kids' toys? I was basically turning into one and heading for orbit most days. I stopped using them and my flights have stopped. I know you wanted to learn about my colon today, so you are welcome.

On another note, I started writing a book. I am working on the first chapter. I used a lot of profanity, so I am hoping we can charge for each of those. I don't know who would want to read it—probably prisoners with limited options. I will see if we can have it printed on Charmin so it can serve two purposes. I feel like this effort is a little self-centered to think anyone will care, but hey, no one is forcing them to read it.

So that is all I know. And to recap: the text was a fire drill to induce panic, Rectal Rocketry, and a possible book in the works.

I'm so glad you shared the inner workings of your colon Tammy. What a beautiful story, thinking of your colonic irrigation is just what I need as I drift off to sleep!

Yeah, I totally would have freaked out at your brother's text too. I would definitely sue if I were you. Total anti-climax though!

That's great news on the writing. Do you feel up to sharing a rough synopsis or is it too early?

I have the same problem with onion, garlic and processed foods. I am okay if the onion and garlic are cooked out, its the whatever it is acid in them and the same stuff they put in processed food.

Quote from: davina61 on September 03, 2026, 02:31:05 AMI have the same problem with onion, garlic and processed foods. I am okay if the onion and garlic are cooked out, its the whatever it is acid in them and the same stuff they put in processed food.

I thought it was the Lettuce incident but it never went away. I finally figured out why I was turning into an upside down geiser when I didn't use the water flavoring for a few days and it all stopped. So we have talked about this alot now is everyone thoroughly grosses out?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 02, 2026, 05:02:25 PMThat's great news on the writing. Do you feel up to sharing a rough synopsis or is it too early?

I have half of chapter one finished and I don't know what it is yet but its a great release. My therapist thought it was a good idea, I am really sick of her being right its really annoying.

I am feeling really run down today. Not sure why but I am just blah. I think I am not in the mood to write.

My facial hair is driving me crazy I can't stand having to shave and since I want to start electrolysis I can't pluck it. I am feeling the dysphoria today. I looked into voice training and through the Seattle Voice Lab is $160 for 50 minutes. I don't even know what to say to that price. So I am just a little lost today, I don't know the path forward right now. Sorry I normally have fun with this blog but not feeling it today.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 03, 2026, 12:17:33 PMI am feeling really run down today. Not sure why but I am just blah. I think I am not in the mood to write.

My facial hair is driving me crazy I can't stand having to shave and since I want to start electrolysis I can't pluck it. I am feeling the dysphoria today. I looked into voice training and through the Seattle Voice Lab is $160 for 50 minutes. I don't even know what to say to that price. So I am just a little lost today, I don't know the path forward right now. Sorry I normally have fun with this blog but not feeling it today.

Hang in there, Tammy.

Have you looked at TransVoice Lessons on YouTube? They are not the same as having a coach, but she does a good job of explaining things and providing exercises for practice.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 03, 2026, 12:33:46 PMHave you looked at TransVoice Lessons on YouTube? They are not the same as having a coach, but she does a good job of explaining things and providing exercises for practice.

I did and I tried it but I need the structure and feed back. I am just feeling run down today, I haven't had caffeine since Tuesday so it might be that. I usually drink things with fake sweetener in it and now I am afraid of all of it. I think i need to let my system recover for a bit. So its just water right now and Oatmeal Raisin cookies cause cookies.

Sorry you're feeling down Tammy Dysphoria hits the best of us from time to time.

Voice coaching where I am seems to be around £75 p/h so around $100. That coach sounds dear. Might pay you to shop around a bit maybe. When are you planning on starting electolysis? plucking your facial hair sounds excrutiating!!

Also maybe don't right when you are not in the mood, You probably won't produce your best work.

Chin up honey. Your therapist has your back.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 03, 2026, 12:50:37 PMplucking your facial hair sounds excrutiating!!

I stopped plucking a month or so ago. I have to let the follicles recover. Honestly its not that painful after the first few times. I almost did it again but I have to remind my self that I am letting it recover but today I am just feeling it.

Do you get much in way of beard shadow?

For me cost is putting a downer on everything. I cannot afford to do everything all at once so I will have to choose between electrolysis and Voice therapy and orchiectomy. At the moment the orchiectomy is winning with me.

I wish I was just a little bit richer! Maybe I should sell my body lol!

Its more that I know its there than the shadow. I am over 50 so its turning white. I face in my hand a lot for work when i am reading or contemplating how people can be so dumb. And feeling the stubble bothers me. I know its a silly thing but it does. I can afford it but I haven't been to a store in over a year so going to a electrolysis appointment is probably not going to happen. We haven't even started to talk about my touch phobia.

40% of women over 45 have excess facial hair.

I think mine is way coarser or at least I hope theirs isn't like mine.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 03, 2026, 01:48:57 PMIts more that I know its there than the shadow. I am over 50 so its turning white. I face in my hand a lot for work when i am reading or contemplating how people can be so dumb. And feeling the stubble bothers me. I know its a silly thing but it does. I can afford it but I haven't been to a store in over a year so going to a electrolysis appointment is probably not going to happen. We haven't even started to talk about my touch phobia.

I totally get that. I can go almost 3 days without it being particularly visible but after one and a half or two days it is the feel that triggers me. I hate that rough sandpaper feeling.

THe touch thing I get too. Having never been intimate with anyone since my teens, I flich away if anyone touches me. Deep down I really do crave human physical contact but the reality of it causes me to flinch, get award and look for an escape. If you find an answer to that one I would love to know it!

Another day of severe dysphoria and deep doubts I will be able to complete my transition. I don't know why but I woke up this morning with these thoughts and I am digging my self a hole. I needed to put this down sorry to bring everyone down. I have 578 days until I can move forward. I have been thinking about how crazy it will be for my brother when i tell him. "Hey I know you have known me as your brother for 50 years but now I want you to change all of that." Seems insane to ask someone when I think about it from the other side. I am sorry of this is offensive I don't mean anything by it but its what I am thinking.

Sorry ignore this I will figure it out.

So I figured out what it was. I have been thinking about telling my brother a lot. Notice a theme to these posts yet?

I am seeing him for the last time without him knowing that I am trans and if he can't accept it, it will be the last time I will see him. So I think I am just struggling with this visit. I have been thinking about making sure he knows I love him and make sure I remind him Country music is still terrible. So that is what the crying fit was about this morning. Did i already say that in my previous post? I am looking forward to Alzheimers, I look forward to forgetting something for a change. The constant re-evaluating everything is exhausting.

OK I am done for the next 20 minutes at least.

You will successfully complete your transition Tammy, I have no doubt in my mind. I'm puzzelled why you have such a precise countdown to it though?

You probably can't ever know how someone will react. I am scared stiff of telling my dad because I'm frightened I might loose him. I think it will soon be out of my hands as my body changes are getting to the point where delaying things much beyond this winter would not be feasible.

I understand why telling your brother is so scary. He is your last real family connection and without him you will feel alone. But I see you on here Tammy, you make me laugh my butt off most days when I check out your blog. You will easily find friends and maybe a partner who loves you once you emerge as your true self. Tht sid it would be far better to have your brother in your corner too.

This visit, I would just make it a memorable one, do everything you want to do and everything he wants to do. Let him know how much he means to you. Then before he comes on the next visit, that will be the time to tell him, so if he reacts badly, you still have this upcoming wonderful memory of him.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 04, 2026, 11:32:33 AMI'm puzzelled why you have such a precise countdown to it though?

The number of days is when I will be able to access my 401k (retirement account using a loop hole in the system) and the specific date is when I will have my bonus for that year. So 578 days from today. The Bonus will be moving money for movers and that kind of stuff so I need that cash. I will be able to take a lot of time off that last year since I will have 4 weeks vacation that I don't need to save for anything.

I was just overly emotional this morning this morning. One should not blog when tears are running down their face.

Aw sorry you are feeling so down. I'm too far away for real hugs but I'll send you a transatlantic metaphorical one instead!

401k sounds like a healthy retirement pot to be able to dip into. As long as you don't leave yourself without enough to survive you will be in a good place I think. I think for GRS privately I will have to wait for inheritance unfortunately, though oddly it will likely be in the same ballpark as your figure ha! similarities again!

Not the 401k you're thinking of, Sarah! 😂

In the States there is a rule of 55.  If you leave job with a 401k you can access that 401k when you turn 55  years old. 

I got a pension disbursement that I put into investments that have done  quite well. 😀

Quote from: Maid Marion on September 04, 2026, 01:51:19 PMIn the States there is a rule of 55.  If you leave job with a 401k you can access that 401k when you turn 55  years old.

Yeah this is what I meant. I don't plan to live on that money but I want that safety net. I will need to change jobs to live in Colorado. That is the 578 days that I am referencing, quit my current job move and get a new job as Tammy.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 04, 2026, 12:19:35 PMI was just overly emotional this morning this morning. One should not blog when tears are running down their face.

Don't feel bad, Tammy.

Country makes me cry too. But for a different reason. It also nauseates me, but that's just me.

🤣

A retirement Roth IRA can also be used as a safety net.
After age 59-1/2 you can take out money you just put into without penalty if  you have had any Roth accounts for 5 years.  Even if that account didn't have money it it!
Earnings are taxed if you take them out before 5 years.
USA rules are really complicated. 🙄

OK, clearly something lost in translation there. I have no clue what a 401K is then! Never mind. Just trying to help!🤣🤣

I dont like old style country music but my lads band play country rock and that is good, there latest single is playing on Planet Rock in the US and going down well. Check out Wood Burnt Red.

I have gone through another period of avoiding all contact. It was relaxing but also not what I am supposed to do.

I went to get tacos yesterday thinking everyone would be out having cookouts and socializing. I was wrong. When I got back to my apartment, some truck pulled in and slowed down and dared to talk to me. "Excuse me sir." I was highly annoyed. I almost kept walking, but for some reason, I turned around. Then they said, "Sorry, excuse me ma'am." I was shocked. I had not tried at all; I was just running out for lunch. So apparently my fears are correct: I don't pass as male or female. I don't know how to feel about this. I am elated that when I turned around it was "ma'am," but also disappointed it was "sir" first.

Tomorrow is the day with my brother; I am trying to figure out how to cancel it. Is it wrong to hope it pours down rain? Or that something breaks at my job and I have to be online to restore service? I can make that last thing happen. If I could make it rain, I would charge a fee and be able to have a Taco Bell set up in my mansion on a private island operated by robots. Sorry, fell into a fantasy.

So I don't know what to do tomorrow, but I am still looking for options to cancel. I don't even know why I want to see him, but I dread the questions if there are any. Sorry for the rambling post, but it's wh

Just go see him!

He just texted me to confirm. Why can't people forget I exist I would really like that sometimes. It works in "fast" food lines, but my brother I have had for 50+ years doesn't forget. What an I suppose to do? Hypnosis? Frying pan to the noggin? I am open to suggestions.

Quote from: davina61 on September 08, 2026, 07:52:54 AMJust go see him!

I agreed but played dumb on the plans.

You will regret it if you dont go what ever the outcome.

I agree with Davina.
Just do it and get it over with.

No Excuses.
No Regrets.
Make it Happen.

You've got this.

Just remember, you are only giving him information. What he does with it is up to him, not you. He might not be open at first, but he may later realize you are still the same person. Give him time to adjust and process it.

You have lived with this for years or decades. It is new information for him. Let him come to his own conclusions and adjust at his own pace. Answer his questions as honestly as you can. If you don't know the answer, say that.

This isn't something you chose. No one chooses to be transgender. It happened to us, and we are just making the best of it.

I am going to go but I am stressing out about it. I am not telling him unless he asks but the fact that strangers can't tell what I am scares me a little. I also am not found of the idea of falling back on my previous way of acting to hide who I am. I know i am being silly but its how it is for me right now.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 08, 2026, 10:27:39 AMI am going to go but I am stressing out about it. I am not telling him unless he asks but the fact that strangers can't tell what I am scares me a little. I also am not found of the idea of falling back on my previous way of acting to hide who I am. I know i am being silly but its how it is for me right now.

That is just normal anxiety, Tammy.

All of us who came out to family went through the same thing. I actually expected my brother to be understanding, but nope. He has become a bigot in his old age. I gave him the information; he got angry and hung up. My last words to him were: I love you, Brother.

It hurt at first, but now I realize that I don't need negative people in my life. I can't force him to believe or accept anything. That's his job, not mine. Personally, I am happy not to have contact with him now. If he changes his mind someday, I will accept his apology.

Just relax and be yourself. The best thing you can do is not about what you say or how you say it. It's about being yourself and being open and honest about who you are.

Go easy on yourself.

My brother was okay. Then he became a real jerk. Then he became okay again and it seems to be permanent. I lost zero hours of sleep while he worked out his attitude.

Hey Tammy, you absolutely must go in my opinion. We are at a similar level of transition and if you are anything like me, you are likely getting close to the point of total male fail. You have a golden opportunity to have a memorable time with your brother just as the old you (assuming that is what you want to do), the next time around it may be totally out of your hands whether you tell him as it will be obvious to all who see you. That's not to put any pressure on you of course, tell him when you are good and ready and not before would be my advice unless he asks directly.

Try and get past the anxiety and whatever you do don't bail on him, you will end up regretting it I'm sure. Just enjoy your time with him and if the timing feels right, tell him, if not, treasure the memory in case he reacts badly when you do.

My two cents, not saying it's right or anything but that is what I would do.

You've got this.

I am going and my anxiety is passing a little. I am a planner so as I get things ready tonight I will probably be ready. I dug out the guitar I am giving my niece. I used to buy part online and build them so I think she will be excited. I bought her a bigger amp and other things to get her started. So I am focusing on getting stuff ready which is helping.

She is 20 or so. Not sure its the style she will like but I think its cool. Its Telecaster in metallic purple with Gold hardware. I had thought about building guitars for a living but there is no money in it. Wow another side tangent. I also drank root beer today...nope that isn't a tangent worth of discussion.

Any way I appreciate the advise I am the type that images all the worst possibilities and then dwells on them for days. Hopefully I can get past it with out my therapist. I can't afford a third mansion.

Purple Telecaster with gold trim? If she doesn't like it, I can find it a good home...

On my wall. (I don't play, but I love the sound.)

I am a terrible player as well but I love building them. I think its because I love music and I can create something that enables that or I love spending money. I really hope its not the second one.

I should have warned you this is like a Jeep topic with me.

I have built\assembled or repaired over the years. I had this plan before COVID that I was going to build one Purple Guitar with Gold hardware in the most popular styles. Then Covid hit and the suppliers stopped making some of the bodies I could afford. Add to that my advanced aging hands I have moved on. I do have parts for a couple more guitars that I will build someday. I think they might have routed and sprouted but I hope not. They won't be as cool as this one is to me but I never made anything for her so this feels like a filling in that missing piece. I built things for my other Nieces and Nephews back when my Grandfather was still around but she was born right before I took this job and I never got to it before he passed and we had to sell the workshop.

Wow see what happens when you leave me unattended. I blame Sarah and Lori.

What did I do like? 🤣🤣! Nowt to do with me!

Seriously though, you are a woman of many talents Tammy! Some of them are even useful🤣

Good luck tonight Tammy. Just do it and get it over with.

I just got back and we had a good day. We didn't to the entire trail I planned but we say around and talk about nothing for 3 hours. I didn't tell him but we sat by the water all day and had lunch. I brought my portable fridge and food so we could just relax.

Quick tip don't fill the fridge to top it makes them heavy. I might need to repeat Physics or science. Maybe just common sense, is that a class?

I didn't take many pictures so nothing to share that way but it was a fun day. Thanks for the encouragement even if I didn't want to hear.

Next time do the same think just know I will still try to find a way to weasel out of going.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 09, 2026, 03:27:11 PMI just got back and we had a good day. We didn't to the entire trail I planned but we say around and talk about nothing for 3 hours. I didn't tell him but we sat by the water all day and had lunch. I brought my portable fridge and food so we could just relax.

Quick tip don't fill the fridge to top it makes them heavy. I might need to repeat Physics or science. Maybe just common sense, is that a class?

I didn't take many pictures so nothing to share that way but it was a fun day. Thanks for the encouragement even if I didn't want to hear.

Next time do the same think just know I will still try to find a way to weasel out of going.

Nobody says you have to tell him right now. You can tell him in your own good time when you are good and ready Tammy. I am master of not telling anyone! I'm a total chicken! (ooh sorry, I know chicken is a dirty word for you🤣)

I'm chuffed to bits you had a lovely day together. You were so full of anxiety I'm glad it all went well. Onto the next challenge!

Congrats on a great day, Tammy!

As Sarah said, all in YOUR time. You'll get there when the time is right.

See there was nothing to worry about, I got told when I started work by the old boys" you die if you worry, you die if you dont so why worry"

As I said, yesterday was my trip with my brother. We did a trail ride, then we pulled into a spot next to a bridge overlooking a beautiful tire sticking out of the muck. It was just upriver from a modern art exhibit of a washer drum that had been placed strategically next to the shore to make sure it was easy to photograph. All of these amazing sights sat proudly beneath a spray-painted mural of the F-word on the side of the bridge. The view was spectacular!

Seriously though, it was a great spot and we had a good time talking about nothing. He wants to do something like this every year, dammit. LOL

It was a great day and I am glad I went.

Today I have been training someone to do my job. I think this is them prepping my replacement. I am hoping to get severance if that is true. My boss says it's not that, but I don't know if I trust him. He did smirk and I heard a loud laugh after we hung up the call—they may have been in my head, though.

Some advice: I order garbage bags from Amazon cause... well, I don't know why. Anyway, since I was ordering something, I thought I would order some Sun Chips (For those that don't have these, they are crisps that are covered in various artificial flavors and they pretend to be healthier than regular crisps, but they aren't). Anyway, do you know what happens when you put chips in a box with a roll of 30, 30-gallon trash bags? You get chip powder. You will need a spoon and determination to eat them. Does anyone know how many spoonfuls of chip powder equals 14 chips? AI tells me it's 3 to 4 level spoonfuls, but that clearly assumes a uniform powder size. I'm guessing Amazon just wants me to buy a food scale to control my chip powder intake.

Not feeling very feminine today. I just feel like a blob that sort of resembles a human that is really tired and wants a nap. So today's blog is done. At least I tried to teach something this time.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 10, 2026, 03:20:50 PMAs I said, yesterday was my trip with my brother. We did a trail ride, then we pulled into a spot next to a bridge overlooking a beautiful tire sticking out of the muck. It was just upriver from a modern art exhibit of a washer drum that had been placed strategically next to the shore to make sure it was easy to photograph. All of these amazing sights sat proudly beneath a spray-painted mural of the F-word on the side of the bridge. The view was spectacular!

Seriously though, it was a great spot and we had a good time talking about nothing. He wants to do something like this every year, dammit. LOL

It was a great day and I am glad I went.

Today I have been training someone to do my job. I think this is them prepping my replacement. I am hoping to get severance if that is true. My boss says it's not that, but I don't know if I trust him. He did smirk and I heard a loud laugh after we hung up the call—they may have been in my head, though.

Some advice: I order garbage bags from Amazon cause... well, I don't know why. Anyway, since I was ordering something, I thought I would order some Sun Chips (For those that don't have these, they are crisps that are covered in various artificial flavors and they pretend to be healthier than regular crisps, but they aren't). Anyway, do you know what happens when you put chips in a box with a roll of 30, 30-gallon trash bags? You get chip powder. You will need a spoon and determination to eat them. Does anyone know how many spoonfuls of chip powder equals 14 chips? AI tells me it's 3 to 4 level spoonfuls, but that clearly assumes a uniform powder size. I'm guessing Amazon just wants me to buy a food scale to control my chip powder intake.

Not feeling very feminine today. I just feel like a blob that sort of resembles a human that is really tired and wants a nap. So today's blog is done. At least I tried to teach something this time.

Ha You've seen my chunky arms in my pic Tammy, I feel like a vaguely human blob everyday!

Hmm chip powder? Make some chilli, grate some cheddar on top and sprinkle the chip powder over it? Might be an idea maybe?

Nice to see you have your humour back sis.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 10, 2026, 03:56:25 PMNice to see you have your humour back sis.

Thanks or I am sorry. I don't know I do have a straw so might just snort the Sun Chips. I think I have a razor blade around here to cut it into lines. What do you think is in the Cheese powder they coat them with? Its highly addictive so this may be a bad plan.

I don't blame you for not trusting him. These days I'm of the mindset that I can not trust someone further than I can throw them which in his case wouldn't be possible. Having said that, I too hope I'm wrong and that it is just as he stated not the case. I hope all works out well for you. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: tammy753 on September 10, 2026, 03:20:50 PMAs I said, yesterday was my trip with my brother. We did a trail ride, then we pulled into a spot next to a bridge overlooking a beautiful tire sticking out of the muck. It was just upriver from a modern art exhibit of a washer drum that had been placed strategically next to the shore to make sure it was easy to photograph. All of these amazing sights sat proudly beneath a spray-painted mural of the F-word on the side of the bridge. The view was spectacular!

Seriously though, it was a great spot and we had a good time talking about nothing. He wants to do something like this every year, dammit. LOL

It was a great day and I am glad I went.

Today I have been training someone to do my job. I think this is them prepping my replacement. I am hoping to get severance if that is true. My boss says it's not that, but I don't know if I trust him. He did smirk and I heard a loud laugh after we hung up the call—they may have been in my head, though.

Some advice: I order garbage bags from Amazon cause... well, I don't know why. Anyway, since I was ordering something, I thought I would order some Sun Chips (For those that don't have these, they are crisps that are covered in various artificial flavors and they pretend to be healthier than regular crisps, but they aren't). Anyway, do you know what happens when you put chips in a box with a roll of 30, 30-gallon trash bags? You get chip powder. You will need a spoon and determination to eat them. Does anyone know how many spoonfuls of chip powder equals 14 chips? AI tells me it's 3 to 4 level spoonfuls, but that clearly assumes a uniform powder size. I'm guessing Amazon just wants me to buy a food scale to control my chip powder intake.

Not feeling very feminine today. I just feel like a blob that sort of resembles a human that is really tired and wants a nap. So today's blog is done. At least I tried to teach something this time.

I think what you need to understand about my brother is that I do trust him. I just don't want to risk losing him. I know that is a contradiction but that is a fact. I am working through this in therapy but its very scary.

What you are working through is very common. I hope you don' lose him too. Hugs
Mariah
 

Quote from: tammy753 on September 11, 2026, 06:37:47 AMI think what you need to understand about my brother is that I do trust him. I just don't want to risk losing him. I know that is a contradiction but that is a fact. I am working through this in therapy but its very scary.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 11, 2026, 06:37:47 AMI do trust him. I just don't want to risk losing him.

Your life. Your decisions. Your timeline. Not anyone elses. When you are ready, you will know.
💕

It's confirmed: I curse too much. I am fully aware of it, and I show absolutely no signs of stopping or giving a... well, you know.

I led another day of work training today. You should honestly pity my trainee; I am not a good teacher. However, I do tell wildly inappropriate jokes, so I like to think that makes up for it. I am still waiting for the inevitable call from HR, but I've successfully dodged them for over a decade now—minus my ADA paperwork—so I like my odds.

I am still exhausted after our trip to see the tire exhibit in the river. Get it? Tired and tire. Look, if you don't like bad jokes, you are definitely in the wrong place.

I think I finally figured out what has been making me sick. It wasn't the artificial sweetener, the lettuce, or the sheer horror of talking to other people. I think Red 40 food dye is the culprit. It has been in all of my drinks lately—including my coveted slushies—and I feel a bit lost now. I did the right thing and gave my brother a bag full of all the water flavorings that contain it. We will see if this colon incompatibility is inherited or not this way. Does that make me evil if I don't tell him I figured out that it's the dye and just wait to see if it recruits him into the Rectal Rocketry club?

On a completely unrelated note, my uncontrollable hunger is back. I don't know if this is a side effect of my recent HRT changes, my antidepressant, or just my deep-rooted addiction to junk food. I don't normally keep easy-to-eat food in the house to prevent constant grazing, but I bought enough food for 20 trips with my brother on Wednesday. He didn't take any of it. Do you think I needed three kinds of chips and two packages of cookies for a single lunch? The chips are still here waiting to plug my arteries. And the cookies are daring me to consume them. They are literally chanting in my head: "Eat me, you know you want to. Just one more, we are amazing. If you eat us, we will be together forever. We can fill that void left by your parents." Things are getting weird here and kind of personal.

So, another rambling, unintelligible post complete. And you, once again, read the whole thing. I am going to stop suggesting therapy for your unhealthy habit of listening to me.

Or reading? What is the correct term here? I hear the voice in my head dictating this. Do you hear the voice when you are reading it? Does it tell you to eat another cookie? Because mine is.

Weirdly I read your words and hear it in a posh english accent Tammy. It must be your self-deprecating humour I reckon!

Stay away from the food dye!!! Damn girl buy some lettuce occasionally! ha ha!

And I thought you loved your brother. Dumping your ilicit nuclear junk food fuel on him is a funny way to show it!

I have a no biscuits in the house rule now as biscuits are my kryptonite. Once I open the packet they're gone by morning. Dangerous things. Also have a no crisps, no booze, no sugary treats, no full fat pop rule too. God I'm boring!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 11, 2026, 02:12:44 PMAnd I thought you loved your brother. Dumping your ilicit nuclear junk food fuel on him is a funny way to show it!

You don't know, if he is in orbit I might get to see him more. So see that is me expressing "love?".

I firmly believe that if the package isn't resealable, it is ONE SERVING.

Cookies, chips- it doesn't matter. If the manufacturer wanted it to be multiple servings, they would make it so you can close the container. Since they didn't, my weight is on them.

Yes that is why I dont buy crisps, biscuits or cake. One is never enough, I will eat the whole packet.Have mixed fruit and nuts for a nibble.

I agree, Cookies in a single package is a single serving. They are resealable but I think that is a suggestion.

I don't keep them in the house either but I wanted to make our day fun and he was accommodating my social issues so I wanted to make sure he had food he would want.

This morning I was taking my HRT. I pulled out my old person wooden box of pills I keep them in—yes, I have a box of pills.

I sat it on the edge of the table because I didn't want to move my glass of water. I took my large bottle of Spiro out of the box and started to get my pill, when gravity (the thing I apparently forgot about) took over, and the large bottle of vitamins caused the entire box to fall off the table.

Overconfident, I tried to catch the box of fully sealed bottles of pills from falling 30 inches to the ground—where they would have been perfectly fine—all while holding a half-full, open bottle of pills in my hand.

This caused the pills to explode out of the bottle like an atomic bomb. Then on impact, they ran like school children at recess across the floor.
So I had to spend 30 minutes playing "where the _______ did my pills go?"

Speaking of disasters, I keep thinking my planned move to Pueblo will be a complete disaster, mostly for the great people of Colorado, and possibly for me. I've fallen into that thing where I think about all the possible things that could go wrong, and then I just sit there dwelling on only those things.
You know, silly things—like it's at 4,000 feet and I live in Ohio where it's not that many feet. I could look up the exact number, but that means I tried really hard to write this, and we know that's not happening today.

Side thought: Why did I just have the thought of 4,000 dismembered feet stacked on top of each other? Did Colorado steal our feet?

Sorry, back to my doubts.

I am not sure leaving my good-paying job is a good idea at a time when AI is taking away so many IT jobs. Plus, I won't know anyone out there, which is good and bad—like chocolate-covered grasshoppers. I like the idea of being a stranger to everyone, since strange is kind of my thing. But having absolutely no support if I need help is a little scary.

Then there is the trip. I have to drive across a bunch of red states... does anymore need to be said on this one?I know it's just fear of the unknown, but the monsters in my head are always way more intimidating than real life.

Another concern I have moving to Colorado is that it's closer to the sun. I am really looking forward to it being dark earlier in the evening so I can don my black cloak and go out before 9:00 PM. I think I am a vampire that is just too old to stay up at night.

Hear me out. On the weekends I sleep midday—no, I don't have a coffin, but I do have a blanket that is cozy. I think this means I could be a vampire, and not that I am over 50 and my work is mentally exhausting. I have more proof: my agoraphobia makes it so I really like going places when it's dark and people can't see me. Now, we could blame this on my condition, or we can again choose to believe I am a vampire.

I don't drink blood, but I do put my finger in my mouth if I get a paper cut, so I am not avoiding blood. And if you stab me in the heart with a stake I will die just like a vampire—now, all humans will die if you drive a stake through their heart, but let's not get all medically. I am also excited to wear long sleeves. We could blame that on my overly fat arms that look like I am carrying a grocery bag full of water on my upper arms, but if we agree I am a vampire, I am just avoiding sun exposure.

So I am going with: I am a vampire that avoids humans and just wants a nap.

Moral of the story (yep, I am turning this into an after-school special):
Saying the F-word really loud at 7:00 AM might not make you friends with your neighbors. Now, since my goal is to avoid human contact, I am okay with this. If you live in Colorado, I might be clingy, so avoid at all costs. I appear to be a vampire according to all of my empirical data that I have provided, though I do appear to be immune to garlic, so you will need a stake. Yep, I failed to create morals from my stories; these are more like life tips and warnings. So don't do drugs or something.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 14, 2026, 09:48:01 AMI won't know anyone out there

Your doubts are perfectly normal. Humans resist change. But you would not be alone here. I am available, as are others. That doesn't mean we have to hang out at each others places every weekend. I get it. I'm not that kind of gal either. But you do know someone in the area, so support is available. Cross that one off the list.

Elevation in Ohio averages 1,000 feet above sea level. Yes, we are closer to the sun here, but for every 1,000-foot change in elevation, the air temperature changes about 5-10 degrees. So we are 15-30 degrees cooler here than over yonder ways. And with temperatures climbing the way they are, that could be a good thing. Who'd a thought you could grow tropical plants in the Mountains?

Another plus: with all the wildfire smoke from Canada and states west of us, the sun is never visible, so we've got you covered there too. OK, that's not true.

The important part is that moving that distance does create some unknowns. It can be scary. But once you decide that is what you want to do, then it becomes an adventure. A fresh start.
Don't think, "I can't do this." Instead think, "How can I make this happen?"

mmmm steak!

If you don't sleep hanging upside down by your feet I think your alright Tammy!

I can empathise with the idea of a total lack of support (I am basically flying solo though all of this and it's not nice) but you do not sound like you have much support where you are now so is there that big of a difference?

Giving up a well paid job though is tricky. I don't know how US medical stuff works, can you not utilise another states facilities while living in a different one? or is it not about facilities and more about general acceptance?

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 14, 2026, 10:07:55 AMYour doubts are perfectly normal. Humans resist change. But you would not be alone here. I am available, as are others. That doesn't mean we have to hang out at each others places every weekend. I get it. I'm not that kind of gal either. But you do know someone in the area, so support is available. Cross that one off the list.

Elevation in Ohio averages 1,000 feet above sea level. Yes, we are closer to the sun here, but for every 1,000-foot change in elevation, the air temperature changes about 5-10 degrees. So we are 15-30 degrees cooler here than over yonder ways. And with temperatures climbing the way they are, that could be a good thing. Who'd a thought you could grow tropical plants in the Mountains?

Another plus: with all the wildfire smoke from Canada and states west of us, the sun is never visible, so we've got you covered there too. OK, that's not true.

The important part is that moving that distance does create some unknowns. It can be scary. But once you decide that is what you want to do, then it becomes an adventure. A fresh start.
Don't think, "I can't do this." Instead think, "How can I make this happen?"

Someone left my mind unattended all weekend, and that is when I overthink everything. I appreciate the offer of support when I get there. I know when I get like this, I can over-analyze everything and need to distract myself. I am looking forward to moving there, but I am also worried—I looked at locations for 2 years before picking one, that is a long time isn't it?

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 14, 2026, 10:11:12 AMIf you don't sleep hanging upside down by your feet I think your alright Tammy!

I can empathise with the idea of a total lack of support (I am basically flying solo though all of this and it's not nice) but you do not sound like you have much support where you are now so is there that big of a difference?

Giving up a well paid job though is tricky. I don't know how US medical stuff works, can you not utilise another states facilities while living in a different one? or is it not about facilities and more about general acceptance?

The way it works here is that the states set the employment laws, and Colorado has more pro-employee laws than most of the other states. So, Colorado is on my current employer's "We would rather treat our employees like crap than fairly" list. Because of that, I can't work from Colorado with my current employer. Medical insurance is the big one for me—I will have to buy insurance and get a new job, but I am aware of that.

Two years is not a long time. Especially when considering employment, insurance, housing, and the cost of living.

I spent a little over a year deciding where I wanted to go once I resolved to leave Illinois. I was retired on disability, so I wasn't concerned with employment; my income was portable. But I did look at the unemployment rate, crime rate, and cost of living. Once I decided South Dakota was at the top of my list, I took a week to drive through the state in a big circle. I stopped at every major city and bought a newspaper. When I got home, I took all the newspapers and looked at things like gas and rent costs. I looked at want ads. I read the political and editorial sections to get a feel for what was happening in that area.

That narrowed it down to the western half of the state. It also had the bonus of mountains and gold-producing rivers. The following year, I drove through the Black Hills from north to south to see what towns I might enjoy living in. That narrowed it down to three.

The following year, I moved and found that there wasn't much available for housing the way I thought. I moved to Rapid City because it was closest to two of the three and not far from the third.

So, no. I don't think taking a couple of years to make a major life-changing decision is too slow. I think it helps to answer questions before you get there.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 14, 2026, 12:47:47 PMSo, no. I don't think taking a couple of years to make a major life-changing decision is too slow. I think it helps to answer questions before you get there

What I was looking for was a state that protects trans people, a 4x4 club that accepts trans members, possible adult art classes, and affordability. Pueblo has all those things so I picked it. I also don't know anyone there except you so it seems like a fresh start to me, and I can meet people as Tammy not as my male self.

I originally planned to buy a shed and convert it to a home on 10 acres in New Mexico and only go to town for supplies. Therapy and the realization that I am getting older made me rethink that plan. I still think that I could do it if I was younger. That was my hide from society cause I can live like I want alone plan, kind of catchy name.

Yesterday's blog was a rambling mess. If you read it, well, that is on you. I have warned you dozens of times, so if you still read my blog, you have been warned.

The post yesterday was almost 800 words and covered multiple topics. There was something about me being a profane Vampire with doubts about moving to a high desert city in Colorado. While playing where the F did my pills go?

I think that says it all.

See, I could have just said that, but instead, 800 words later, we got what happened yesterday.

Also, yesterday was therapy. My therapist thinks I might have ADHD.I am gonna make a run to the grocery store this weekend for burritos, and I need to get my Jeep temperature blend door fixed. She doesn't think I need medication for the ADHD for now. But I did order the part for my Jeep—it will be here before the weekend.

While I am getting burritos, I am getting rice and cheese to make my heart attack lunches for next week.

She said I may have "Rejection something something"...I missed it, I was thinking about putting the fenders on my Jeep.

Google said it's Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, remind me to read up on that. I am sure I will feel way better about my self after that.

So this is today's post. I will read up on my latest mental issue, it sounds like so much fun to find out I need more therapy. I may need a GoFundMe for my therapist's mansion in Barbados.

Today's recap, I put it at the bottom so it serves no purpose, please insert the evil laugh of your choosing I can't be bothered:

• Possible ADHD
• Jeep is broken again, who needs heat as winter approaches
• New Fenders still in the box
• Dopamine hit from writing this blog achieved

I may need a 12 step program to stop writing my unfunny jokes.

I used to tell my dentist after a clear check-up that I only keep coming back because I know he has a yacht payment coming up soon.

My brother is an MD and told me the medical profession isn't about finding a cure; it is about treating symptoms. Got a broken leg? Here, have some pain pills. That way, you keep coming back for more pills. If they actually cured the problem, they and Big Pharma would lose a customer.

Later, I discovered a man named Royal Rife who claimed he knew how to cure cancer with light. At first, he was celebrated as a hero and even given an awards dinner by the AMA. Then "someone" raided his lab, stole his notes, destroyed his equipment, and labeled him a quack.

So it is a good thing that you continue with your therapy. Why should everything be about you? Help that therapist pay her mortgage!

🤣

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 15, 2026, 04:52:57 PMI used to tell my dentist after a clear check-up that I only keep coming back because I know he has a yacht payment coming up soon.

My brother is an MD and told me the medical profession isn't about finding a cure; it is about treating symptoms. Got a broken leg? Here, have some pain pills. That way, you keep coming back for more pills. If they actually cured the problem, they and Big Pharma would lose a customer.

Later, I discovered a man named Royal Rife who claimed he knew how to cure cancer with light. At first, he was celebrated as a hero and even given an awards dinner by the AMA. Then "someone" raided his lab, stole his notes, destroyed his equipment, and labeled him a quack.

So it is a good thing that you continue with your therapy. Why should everything be about you? Help that therapist pay her mortgage!

🤣

Yeah she needs that Mansion and Yacht. I think I heard her order a golden toilet. She might be running out of things to buy. Does this mean I am moving toward a cure?

🤣

Seriously though, heat for winter and fenders have priority before the snow flies.

Yeah I ordered the actuator for my blend door. It was $46 with rush shipping so I plan to fix it this weekend. Its  on the driver side by the accelerator. Not looking forward to it but it should be fairly easy to install.

From what my pyscologist told me and also from what I have read adhd and autism spectrum tend to have a higher than expected correlation in the trans community.

Quote from: Petunia on September 15, 2026, 10:56:32 PMFrom what my pyscologist told me and also from what I have read adhd and autism spectrum tend to have a higher than expected correlation in the trans community.

I do not know the figures for that but during my last breakdown my therapist was urging me to get tested for autism or ADHD as she though I presented symptoms. I did not persue it because I did not see any benefit to getting a diagnosis and eventually we sort of arrived at the "opinion" that I was somewhere on the autism spectrum though fairly mild but suffered strongly from Misophonia.

It's an interesting thought at least. There is also growing evidence that the MMR vaccine may actually be behind the large spike in autism after all. This would affect people in my age bracket for sure and I know I had that particular vaccine. If true it may be skewing the results somewhat re being trans and autistic.

I am definitely NOT an anti-vaxer just for clarity!!!

I haven't been formally diagnosed either, but I know it, my sister knows it and my wife knows it.

I'm provax and I'd like to see the souce of covid vax causing ADHD or Autism. I used to hear the same stories about MMR vaccines causing autism but it's BS.

I've heard that covid vaccines are giving people heart problems. But I've have friends who got heart problems after getting long covid. It's from the virus.

I had a friend who got heart problems from a flu virus over 40 years ago. It killed him 37 years ago.

No vaccine harmed him, it was the virus that caused cardiomyopothy

Just had to pay £77 for a rear suspension arm for my Skoda Yeti to get it through inspection, that could have been for parts for the hot rod!

So I am not commenting on Vaccines. I will say I did get it as soon as possible and a booster shot for it later.

My therapist did point out a pattern from my past that indicates I might have ADHD and honestly the symptoms do line up. Now I am not admitting she is right again, I think we all know she usually is but keep that between us.

As for the Jeep, see I am changing the topic. Smooth right? I am going to try and fix it this weekend if it doesn't rain the entire weekend which of course it looks like its going to. I can always slum it and drive my Mustang GT. So think of me having to suffer driving my bright orange Mustang around this weekend. I really am taking one for the team.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 16, 2026, 06:40:25 AMSo think of me having to suffer driving my bright orange Mustang around this weekend. I really am taking one for the team.

Tammy, you are so brave! Truly fearless. We are so proud of you.

😁

Tragic, I have to drive my Austin hot rod all the way to the drag strip tomorrow. It was bad enough going shopping in it today getting pestered by folks ogling (the car not me!!)

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 16, 2026, 10:48:46 AMTammy, you are so brave! Truly fearless. We are so proud of you.

Quote from: davina61 on September 16, 2026, 11:37:41 AMTragic, I have to drive my Austin hot rod all the way to the drag strip tomorrow. It was bad enough going shopping in it today getting pestered by folks ogling (the car not me!!)

We deserve metals of some kind.

This morning I woke up with severe back pain. So lets review: I went to bed with no pain, woke up with back pain. WTH happened last night?

I slept really good so was I moving furniture in my sleep? Was I doing exercises? That can't be it, I think I am allergic to exercise.

Did I get in a fight with a pillow? One does look like it went 20 rounds with Nintendo's Bald Bull, please don't sue me Nintendo I just needed a funny name.

My Mustang has heated seats which are great for my back so I might need to make a pilgrimage to get pasta tonight. Unfortunately, there is a battle to the death between my heated seats and my car's suspension. One is making me feel better while the other is trying to turn my spine into a crushed soda can.

Unfortunately for my heated seats, I live in Ohio where the only roads that get fixed are in neighborhoods that have an average yearly income of 250k or more. I think potholes are our state animal.

Do you think the back pain and the bad roads explains my inability to filter out the profanity that seems to be all-consuming in my work life? Susan's profanity filter is really good, is there one that I can have installed in my brain?

I was in a meeting yesterday and it must have been a contest about how many times I can use the a profanity in 30 minutes. I think it averages out to about five every two minutes. It's not a personal best, but I appear to be working on it.

The problem is, before today, I didn't actually hear it, which was great. Then some jerkface pointed it out and now I hear all of them.

I am over 50 so I think it's too late to change now. Can you imagine being around me at 70+? Those poor bruises—nurses, changing my Depends while I am just spewing profanity.

Anyway, I am off to make my 40-minute drive to get pasta. Did you know heated seats keep food hot when you are traveling? I think that is what the passenger seat is for. Wish me luck as I cross the great expanse of Ohio's craters to obtain a massive amount of carbs that will make all the nutritionists in the world weep.

Disclaimer: Bald Bull did not grant consent to have his name mentioned in my blog. He is referenced as a joke, and this constitutes fair use. Please don't sue me Nintendo, I have a bad back and court chairs don't have lumbar support.

I had to struggle to curb my language too. I only started at age 60, so it is not impossible. Just picture yourself as a nice lady talking to a three-year-old. Many adults fit this category anyway, so it isn't really that difficult. Keep at it. It is part of the persona you project, so it is part of how they see you.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 16, 2026, 01:36:21 PMI had to struggle to curb my language too. I only started at age 60, so it is not impossible. Just picture yourself as a nice lady talking to a three-year-old. Many adults fit this category anyway, so it isn't really that difficult. Keep at it. It is part of the persona you project, so it is part of how they see you.

I kind of envision my self at 70 walking around mumbling profanity all the time with my shopping cart of cans.

55 years in the garage trade I know a few ancient English words and I use them a lot when working on stuff that plays me up, trust me at 70 you wont use them any more than you do now. I would swop the ride quality in your Mustang for the ride in my Austin, its very firm, okay hard well solid I think is the word. Its on air ride and has trick suspension so handles like a go cart but has the same ride as one!

👮 Yeah, the filter is good. And then you go and find cute ways to bypass it. Please try to remember that you're posting on an all ages, all backgrounds forum. Even mild profanity can result in the site being blocked on public and school libraries. Anywhere that uses filters to block foul language, really. 👮

 The Foul Language and Respectful Communication Policy  (http://"https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=247168.0")

Quote from: Devlyn on September 16, 2026, 03:48:18 PM👮 Yeah, the filter is good. And then you go and find cute ways to bypass it. Please try to remember that you're posting on an all ages, all backgrounds forum. Even mild profanity can result in the site being blocked on public and school libraries. Anywhere that uses filters to block foul language, really. 👮

 The Foul Language and Respectful Communication Policy  (http://"http://"https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=247168.0"")

Your right I will avoid doing that from now on. I was in a writing stream and didn't think. I made changes I hope that addresses your concerns.

Sorry.

Quote from: Devlyn on September 16, 2026, 03:48:18 PM👮 Even mild profanity can result in the site being blocked on public and school libraries. Anywhere that uses filters to block foul language, really. 👮

 The Foul Language and Respectful Communication Policy  (http://"https://www.susans.org/index.php?topic=247168.0")

That is a really good thing to remember, esp for someone like me

Quote from: tammy753 on September 16, 2026, 05:53:11 PMYour right I will avoid doing that from now on. I was in a writing stream and didn't think. I made changes I hope that addresses your concerns.

Sorry.

Well done, Tammy.

Thank you!

Hi Tammy

You said:

Quote from: tammy753 on September 16, 2026, 05:53:11 PMYour right I will avoid doing that from now on. I was in a writing stream and didn't think. I made changes I hope that addresses your concerns.

Sorry.

Thank you as well, what you said was appreciated.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@tammy753

Thank you, Tammy, it's better. Keep on improving. 🙂

I wish I had a nickel for everyone who says they knew as a kid, but there were no resources for them at the time. We don't want our language to be the barrier to the next generation finding the resources they need.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn on September 17, 2026, 02:24:26 AMWe don't want our language to be the barrier to the next generation finding the resources they need.

Hugs, Devlyn

I'm a bit slow so this is something I only now appreciate. Thankyou for pointing it out so succinctly

Quote from: Petunia on September 17, 2026, 03:13:38 AMI'm a bit slow so this is something I only now appreciate. Thankyou for pointing it out so succinctly

Hey, I get paid a pretty penny* for doing this job. 😀



*The checks are in the mail, right? @Northern Star Girl 🤣

Not that I disagree with the premise of all this and lord knows I could do with toning down my own potty mouth but what children are actually accessing the site? Are we even relevant to the younger generation? There is barely anyone under the age of 30 on here and most are 50+. Does a block on this site translate to a block on the discord server (where I assume most of the younglings are)?

I guess I feel like the younger generations just wouldn't even give us a second look when there are so many other more modern dynamic options out there.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 17, 2026, 06:35:44 AMNot that I disagree with the premise of all this and lord knows I could do with toning down my own potty mouth but what children are actually accessing the site? Are we even relevant to the younger generation? There is barely anyone under the age of 30 on here and most are 50+. Does a block on this site translate to a block on the discord server (where I assume most of the younglings are)?

I guess I feel like the younger generations just wouldn't even give us a second look when there are so many other more modern dynamic options out there.

I can assure you that a reputation as a clique of solely older women is the last thing @Susan wants for the site.

We have a board devoted to younger people.  We elders should be fiercely protecting the future of the younger generations.

It's not just about the youth, either. Some people find swearing very distasteful. There are loads of places where you can swear up a storm. I recommend starting with a pirate bar. 😀

I get that Dev, I am certain that is not what Susan would want but I'm curious about reality. By board for youger people do you mean the discord server?

Believe me I would be as pleased as punch if we had an influx of younger folk, it would really help the debate I think. When I was young, the only online resource I found was Anne Lawrences's Transexual Womens Resources, a useful site but no sense of community.

Playing the devil's advocate here but for every person who finds harsh language distasteful there are an equal number who find excessive censorship distasteful. We could push those people away in the name of protecting a demographic that does not seem to actually be here! Just saying like! (ducks head behind the parapet😆!)

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 17, 2026, 08:05:04 AMI get that Dev, I am certain that is not what Susan would want but I'm curious about reality. By board for youger people do you mean the discord server?

Believe me I would be as pleased as punch if we had an influx of younger folk, it would really help the debate I think. When I was young, the only online resource I found was Anne Lawrences's Transexual Womens Resources, a useful site but no sense of community.

Playing the devil's advocate here but for every person who finds harsh language distasteful there are an equal number who find excessive censorship distasteful. We could push those people away in the name of protecting a demographic that does not seem to actually be here! Just saying like! (ducks head behind the parapet😆!)

Do you believe it's excessive censorship to ask people to follow the site rules?

When I say board for younger people I mean this one:

Thanks Dev, it is pleasing to see that we have a youth board but it is hardly a hive of activity sadly.

I do not believe that Tammy was using excessive language personally. You will hear far far worse in any british school playground I can guarantee that!

Look you know me by now Dev, I can't keep my mouth shut over these things. No dramas, no real argument, your site, your rules, just offering a different viewpoint. I'm not a swearer on here anyway!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 17, 2026, 10:22:01 AMThanks Dev, it is pleasing to see that we have a youth board but it is hardly a hive of activity sadly.

I do not believe that Tammy was using excessive language personally. You will hear far far worse in any british school playground I can guarantee that!

Look you know me by now Dev, I can't keep my mouth shut over these things. No dramas, no real argument, your site, your rules, just offering a different viewpoint. I'm not a swearer on here anyway!

Well, it wouldn't be a hive of activity if their school computer system is blocking them from even seeing it in the first place, yeah? That's kinda where I'm leading this conversation. 🙂

Points made. This discussion can be held in another thread if needed.

Can we give Tammy back her blog now?

Asking for a friend.
😀

Quote from: Devlyn on September 17, 2026, 10:31:10 AMWell, it wouldn't be a hive of activity if their school computer system is blocking them from even seeing it in the first place, yeah? That's kinda where I'm leading this conversation. 🙂

I think the days of kids using the school computer systems as their only source of tinternet are long gone 😄 Primary school kids are walking around with smartphones and tablets these days! There are all sorts of arguments as to why that is a terrible idea and I agree with most of them but that is the reality out there.

Anyway, I have forgotten myself here, this is Tammy's blog! Sorry Tammy I'll shut my fat face now!

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 17, 2026, 10:47:03 AMPoints made. This discussion can be held in another thread if needed.

Can we give Tammy back her blog now?

Asking for a friend.
😀

Ha! great minds think alike Lori!

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 17, 2026, 10:47:03 AMCan we give Tammy back her blog now?

Asking for a friend.

Is this wise? I am asking for all of Humanity.
😁

Quote from: tammy753 on September 17, 2026, 11:01:44 AMIs this wise? I am asking for all of Humanity.
😁

I suppose it would be like turning control of the asylum over to the patients, but it's your asylum, and if it is contained, I think humanity is safe. We might need extra bonus therapy but safe.

😁

Close the pod bay doors, HAL.

Since you foolishly didn't ban me here is today's blog post:

I used to visit my grandmother at the nursing home. I would take her out to lunch in my Mustang. She really liked the way it sounds, so being the good grandchild that I was, I would set the exhaust on track mode.

Ford engineers designed the Mustang exhaust specifically for my grandmother's hearing loss, giving me the perfect tool to ensure she heard it. In honor of her memory—and definitely not because I sometimes like to disturb the peace—I still drive around in Track mode so she can hear it wherever she is. I would never use that exhaust to express my frustration at people in traffic. That is just me letting her know I am thinking about her.

So today I have been thinking about her, especially after my pasta voyage last night.

To cater to my special version of crazy—which includes agoraphobia and a few other mental health issues—I chose to leave for this trip at 7:30 PM. This incredible stroke of genius meant I got to drive through a thunderstorm so bad I had to slow down on the highway to 40 mph just to see the road.

Also, in a perfect example of automotive-neglect, I actually bought new wiper blades for my Mustang recently to replace the current ones, which are six years old. But I never installed them. Proving my amazing procrastination abilities, I placed them against the wall in my apartment next to the wiper blades for my Jeep where they will do the most good.

Long story short, I finally got home at 9:15 PM. Which means I had lasagna at 9:15 at night... I will just let that weigh on you, since it is weighing on me today.

My pasta-modified brain is watching progress bars crawl across the screen, an agonizingly slow process that instantly brings back memories of picking my grandmother up at the nursing home. If you watched her or walked with her, she would barely move. The progress bars are like watching a 90-year-old walk down the hallway at a microscopic pace. But if I wanted to talk to the nursing station about something without her, she would magically teleport next to me. It was like she was personal friends with Scotty and he was standing by to beam her down just to prevent whatever conversation I wanted to have with the nurses.

So my blog has been paid for by my employer today. You see, when you have to watch progress bars for a living, you have a lot of time to think and apparently write.

So you can file all complaints to them. It's their fault this blog exists, and it's your fault you choose to read it. I know I warn you at least three times a week and yet here you are, reading it again. Did you shove the keys into the outlet one too many times after being warned not to do it by those larger humans that pretend to be mature parents?

Either way, you can see how I have time to write ridiculous jokes for you during the week. On the weekends I seem to disappear. Now, we could blame that on my preference for social isolation, or we can blame my employer for not paying me on the weekends.

Useless recap, yep still at the bottom where it serves no purpose:

• Corporate-sponsored writing dopamine hit
• Track exhaust specifically for elderly hearing loss
• Automotive neglect involving six-year-old wiper blades
• Grandmother possessed stealth-teleportation technology
• My readers likely have electrocuted themselves as children, repeatedly

Disclaimer: Star Trek and the character Scotty are the property of Paramount. Please don't sue me, I just made a joke. I know you are excited to collect my frozen taco money, but I need it. You will get the last laugh anyway when the chemically treated burritos finally kill me.

Tammy I have been been feeling dysphoric and thoroughly miserable most of the day today but your blog really lights up my day. Thank you for being you.

And yeah, I have electrocuted myself a fair few times at 240V so it might explain things!😁

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 17, 2026, 04:18:26 PMTammy I have been been feeling dysphoric and thoroughly miserable most of the day today but your blog really lights up my day. Thank you for being you.

And yeah, I have electrocuted myself a fair few times at 240V so it might explain things!😁

I love writing these blogs. I know my sense of humor isn't for everyone so I am glad you enjoy it. You should see a doctor about the possible brain damage from the repeated shocks.

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 17, 2026, 04:18:26 PMAnd yeah, I have electrocuted myself a fair few times at 240V so it might explain things!😁

That's quite the achievement.
I've never heard of anybody doing it more than once.
😀

I went to vocational school for three years of electronics. One day I got across a 200 VDC power supply. Positive lead in one hand and negative in the other. I didn't even know I got shocked, I thought one of my classmates had grabbed my arms and tried to pull me off my work stool.

I've only had 240 ac shocks. When that happens you know it!

It can actually kill you quite a while after you think you're ok.

Ooops! 200VDC is no joke. A little spark of 240VAC is no joke either but I'd definitely prefer that to the 200DC. And one in each hand...you were lucky to not go into cardiac arrest.

So I was right all my readers have tried to preform Electroconvulsive therapy on themselves. Clearly you did it incorrectly and it has affected your decision making abilities.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 18, 2026, 06:33:35 AMSo I was right all my readers have tried to preform Electroconvulsive therapy on themselves. Clearly you did it incorrectly and it has affected your decision making abilities.

Not so fast, Tammy! To this day I still exhibit signs of CLR* every time I hear a dance beat.




*Convulsus Lacki Rhythmus

Quote from: tammy753 on September 18, 2026, 06:33:35 AMSo I was right all my readers have tried to preform Electroconvulsive therapy on themselves. Clearly you did it incorrectly and it has affected your decision making abilities.

At one stage I thought the ECV therapy was something I'd like to try so I could "fix" my head.

Luckily this was one of those things I came across before losing interest in it😀

Welcome back, Socket Seekers.

In today's edition of "I don't want to watch this progress bar," I decided to come up with silly names for my readers. I landed on Socket Seekers. I imagine all of you looking around for sockets to stick metal objects into to get that childhood high of frying your fingers and curling your hair.

Some of the candidates were:

• The Outlet Lickers: I was going to use this because it's hilarious, but I checked with an AI and was informed it is close to a derogatory term and could cause me to get banned. And we already had a close call this week.
• The Outlet Explorers: This was next, but it's kind of safe and polite. And the last thing I want to do is be polite. Also, we didn't grow up with Dora and I don't think kids should read my blog, so this is just a NO!
• The Joy Buzzers: I like this one, but for some reason it reminds me of carnivals and I don't have easy access to funnel cake, so this one makes me sad.
• The Zaps: We aren't a failed band from the 80s, but you couldn't tell that from my guitar collection. If we were a band, it would be Tammy and the Agoraphobes, obviously.
• The Electrons: Okay, this is just me doing word association. I am sorry that I thought about this one. And I apologize to all the electrons out there.
• The Shocked: Again, another failed word association. I mean, it makes sense in a "I am not creative" way, which is my wheelhouse.
• The Socket Shovers: This one was a little too dirty for what I intended. I would use this, but not for this purpose. Let's all agree that we are not going to discuss its possible meanings, let's keep it PG, people.
• The Wire Chewers: This is another one I really like. We do live in a world of microplastics and I am looking out for your safety on this one. I know you probably do this, but I don't have to encourage it.
• The Buzzes: This one is so bad I didn't even write it down when I was coming up with ideas. Are we bees? What is wrong with me? We could have used the hums, like a transformer, but I think that is also too dirty, get your mind out of the gutter. I know what The Hums sound like.

Useless recap, yeah I am doing this again and I am not sorry:

• Made up silly names

Disclaimer: I didn't type out the entire names this time, so take that, copyright fiends!

Official Socket Seekers T-shirts coming soon...

Socket Seekers is a trademark of "I am too lazy to trademark this."

Try a 20Kv DC electric shock whilst stood on a wheelie chair! I used to be a test engineer in a high voltage capacitor factory. Still alive somehow.

< Raises hand slowly > Yup. Me too.

After the Army, I joined the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers (IBEW). I taught in their apprenticeship program for three years.

One class was entitled, "Let's Zap You Now So You Learn What Not To Do Later On The Job."

Just kidding. But we often worked 110/220/440 AC panels while they were hot. If you don't get bit at least once, you're working too slowly.
 

I used to test on 415 (440) ac regularly. Work on live gear was forbidden but where is the line between testing and work?

I did have a collegue who died back in 1992 after coming into contact with live wiring when he got distracted.

Now days my work place has super strict rules but it doesn't help when there are hidden wiring mistakes or multiple feeds.

On higher voltages, 6.6kv, 33kv things are a lot stricter with access permits and only a few people are allowed to do the switching and testing.

We did have a huge problems with induced voltages and our engineers response was always, make it safe and don't work on live gear.
Yeah.... right

A blast from the past:

Not sure how I got here but I will need a wiring diagram to follow this conversation. You have all been using industrial electricity for therapy.

Quote from: Petunia on September 18, 2026, 10:16:23 AMNow days my work place has super strict rules but it doesn't help when there are hidden wiring mistakes or multiple feeds.

Most places had Lockout rules and equipment, but who has time for that? 🤣
The hazard is real. I don't like working on anything above 220 while it's still hot. The key is to only hold one wire at a time and DO NOT touch anything else while holding it.

My hardhat has a Grounding Terminal sticker on it.

Yeah 240v isn't that bad really. You know you've been jolted all right but I'm still here. Lost count how many times I've had a little belt over the years. Only 240v ac mind not dc

The Evidence continues to mount.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 18, 2026, 12:02:20 PMThe Evidence continues to mount.

🤣🤣😁

The weirdest shock I had was when i was running my large Tesla coil. This thing can kick out 2 metre long sparks with ease. I switched it off then approached it, but accidentally caught the controller. The capacitor in the coil is huge and this powered it enough to throw out about a 1 meter long spark right onto my left nipple. That stung!

Ok since you all are voluntarily admitting to self electro shock therapy. Which of the name options is preferred?

Also do you all still twitch when you put the lightbulb in your mouth like uncle fester?

The wire chewers or outlet lickers definitely have a somewhat unhinged connotation!

Quote from: tammy753 on September 18, 2026, 02:32:23 PMOk since you all are voluntarily admitting to self electro shock therapy. Which of the name options is preferred?

Also do you all still twitch when you put the lightbulb in your mouth like uncle fester?

For sheer drama my vote is for Charlotte's technique. We are talking mad scientist levels there!

Quote from: Petunia on September 18, 2026, 05:35:03 AMI've only had 240 ac shocks. When that happens you know it!

It can actually kill you quite a while after you think you're ok.

Had a college instructor say he got shocked by 240 ac one time. He said he couldn't stop smoking cigarettes after it happened to him.

Quote from: Alana Ashleigh on September 19, 2026, 01:11:25 AMHad a college instructor say he got shocked by 240 ac one time. He said he couldn't stop smoking cigarettes after it happened to him.

That is the lamest excuse for not giving up I have ever heard ha ha!

Thinking more about this topic, I had an older supervisor who had a 10cm scar on his right forarm where he was shocked and burnt as he grounded that area when his left hand side contacted 240ac.

Another lost the last knuckle of his right hand in a similar way

Ouch that would have had to of hurt.

Quote from: Petunia on September 19, 2026, 05:41:07 AMThinking more about this topic, I had an older supervisor who had a 10cm scar on his right forarm where he was shocked and burnt as he grounded that area when his left hand side contacted 240ac.

Another lost the last knuckle of his right hand in a similar way

So here we are Socket Seekers,

I had to work today so you get a blog or are being punished with a blog.

As it turns out, Red 40 and Lexapro both boost serotonin. Mix them together, and your colon goes into immediate overdrive, transforming your backside into a high-pressure water cannon. I essentially turned myself into a liquid-fueled rocket. Naturally, all the stomach medicine I bought to fix this is now a sunk cost—but who needs liquid assets when your brain is completely dehydrated?

Speaking of vast amounts of water raining down, my Jeep still doesn't have new wiper blades and my heater is still broken. I have the replacement heater part sitting next to my wiper blades that I never installed, but fixing it requires wedging my entire body under the dashboard of a Jeep Wrangler in the freezing rain. If you've never been inside a Wrangler, it has the exact internal volume of a clown car, minus the whimsy. It's supposed to drop below 60 degrees Fahrenheit tomorrow—or whatever superior, logical number that is in Celsius. Look it up yourself.

On a lighter note, thank you all for voluntarily performing self-electroshock therapy just to prove me right. I picture my average reader standing in a dark kitchen with a butter knife and a smoking toaster, hair standing straight up, completely satisfied. I am so proud of all of you.

Useless Recap, because you can't stop me:

• Jeep heater is still more like a Jeep ice box
• Red Dye 40 and Lexapro turn humans into water cannons
• Socket Seekers name correctly defines my readers

Disclaimer: Woohoo! No pop culture references so no danger of getting sued this time!

60 fahrenheit? That's 15.6 celcius?? Pansy! That's a mild pleasant day where I am! It was 14C today.

Get them wipers installed, no excuses! The heater can wait as it's still barmy weather where you are!

Tammy,

I love your sense of humor. If you are not familiar with Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal, it is hilarious. I think you might enjoy it.

https://homeports.org/my-colonoscopy-journal-by-dave-barry/

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 19, 2026, 05:56:05 PMTammy,

I love your sense of humor. If you are not familiar with Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal, it is hilarious. I think you might enjoy it.

https://homeports.org/my-colonoscopy-journal-by-dave-barry/

That is hilarious now I have to read all of them from that link!

Quote from: Stottie Girl on September 19, 2026, 03:04:53 PM60 fahrenheit? That's 15.6 celcius?? Pansy! That's a mild pleasant day where I am! It was 14C today.

Get them wipers installed, no excuses! The heater can wait as it's still barmy weather where you are!

It suppose to be in the 40's at night by the end of next week. Does this count?

Quote from: tammy753 on September 19, 2026, 07:11:52 PMThat is hilarious now I have to read all of them from that link!

It suppose to be in the 40's at night by the end of next week. Does this count?

Well ok if it creeps into the 40's I will allow you to put on a jumper! All the more reason to do your wipers NOW!

Getting down into the 30's F here, some nights. Currently midday, and at 48 F.
Time to put the shorts away.
Winter is coming!

My paranoia is checked in for duty today. That part of me is the most efficient.

Today, I lost the 4-pack of tear and snot absorption tissue right before my therapy session. This somehow convinced that part of my brain that someone broke into my house strictly to steal my crying tissues, intentionally leaving the guitars and signed albums sitting right by the door.

I had a brief thought someone took them so when I do cry, I can't sop it up. My brain sweats out my nose when I cry; they knew exactly what they were doing.

I also believe the world knows when I don't plan for lunch and need to run out to get food, so it rains. To maximize the efficiency of the torment, there is also a lunch meeting, leaving me exactly 10 minutes to eat.

Paranoia might be a thing to watch out for when I get old, but based on family history, I'm ahead of schedule. My Teleporting grandmother was convinced we were conspiring to take away her ability to drive. She couldn't walk to the car without falling.

Now, at that time I didn't realize she could teleport, so she probably knew she could teleport to the car. I would ask her if she can teleport why does she need a car, but she'd probably just tell me the highway infrastructure in the ether is a nightmare.

Speaking of institutional displacement: I am looking for a new home for this blog. It turns out my unfiltered brain health updates are distracting from the actual mission of Susan's Place, and I would never want to do that.

I will still post here once a week or so, but having a standalone blog under SocketSeekers will be better than causing issues in the forum. Would people be interested in reading a more unfiltered version of my blog?

Useless Recap:

• Probably Paranoid
• Dementia is probable
• Teleporting grandmother didn't need a car
• SocketSeekers relocation possible.

Disclaimer: I avoiding saying Kleenix...Dang it! Please don't sure me Kleenix. WOOHOO! Typo saved the day!

The rain gods know when I wash my car so its not been washed for ages, its my fault we had a heatwave this summer!

Tammy, I love your blog just the way it is. Please don't go changing ANYTHING.

I love your humour and your looney mental downloads, It puts a smile on my face most nights. Don't you change a thing!

Let me explain what I am thinking: I found a hosting site called Ghost Pro. It would let me host my blog external to Susan's but you could sign up for a newsletter that would be my blog posts. I would still post here but I think that this site should be for support trans people not posting my crazy ramblings. So that is my thinking. I remember finding this way back when was considering transitioning and it really helped me feel less alone. ANd today I was so happy it was still around. I will not disappear from here I guess I am asking if I do move it would people still read it or would it be a waste of money?

I have blogs on various sites in the past. In fact, my current website started as a blog post. Then it expanded to include tutorials and my spiritual philosophies. I took down the spiritual stuff because nobody was reading it. Then converted the tutorials into my Gold Prospecting Field Guide. Now it has information about my writing projects and a place to display my gold photo album. Still not much traffic. I never ran ads, never asked for sign-ups or registration, and had no newsletters or even a comments section.  I didn't want people turned off about visiting.

What I discovered (in VERY general terms) is that it takes extra effort to go to another website for information or entertainment. Sometimes people bookmark it to make it easier to find. A lot of people won't.

So, the options are to advertise your site, use SEO techniques to keep it high in search results, or put your blog where thousands of people go every day for information and entertainment. It can be a lot of work if you want to keep traffic coming in.

If you want more control over what you can say, how you can say it, and the images you can display, your own site gives you that control. If you don't feel your content needs that, maybe just stay where the traffic is.

For reference, our online status right now shows we have
Online: 7,752 Guests, 8 Users (3 Buddies, 1 Spider)  - Most Online Today: 14,358 -  Most Online Ever: 30,996 (May 11, 2026, 12:21:30 PM)

Just something to consider.

I post lot's of random ramblings on my blog and an awful lot of it has nothing to do with being trans. I am far from the only one. Yes, Susans is a trans support site but it helps so much with all aspects of life, not just trans issues.

The change is not about the filter. the other day I saw all the latest posts were to my blog. and it was a silly post about people self electrocuting them selves. I think its drawing attention from peoples request for help. And i would never want that. That is the main reason I am considering the change.

@Stottie Girl

Very few topics are not permitted on the site because they involve misinformation used against us as a community. All of these topics have been debunked as weaponized commentary.

You're referring to the censoring of specific words that aren't suitable for an all-ages public forum. Most of us are adults; however, there are many young people who come here with questions about their own identity. We need to make sure they can access those answers without institutions blocking them for reasons entirely within our control.

As adults, we need to set a good example. Surely our vocabulary isn't so limited that we cannot express ourselves adequately without profanity. The discussion you mentioned was specifically about one particular word that many different users were posting in different forums. We needed to step in.

If that is the reason for moving a blog to another site, that is fine. Our standards remain in place. But I don't think that's why Tammy is considering this.

@tammy753

As I understood what you said, the reason was to have this blog here  to support the transgender community and a different blog to just write about everything else. If you look at posts from Davina, Chrissy, and others who have been here a long time, you will see they discuss just ordinary things we all experience. That is important to show people who are struggling what "post-op normal" life looks like. It gives them hope.

More so when people write about their fears, anxieties, and obstacles they need to overcome to reach that point. This tells them they are not alone in their struggles. It is your blog and you can write about what you want to express. All we ask is that you keep it clean. If that is not the direction you want to go, then this is not the place for it. But I have seen nothing from you that would indicate that was your plan.

I hope you keep it here because I enjoy your blog very much, and I am too lazy and too busy to go somewhere else.

It was a wider discussion about censorship and disciplinary procedures and how the wrong approach can drive new people away that ended up about the one word Lori.

This is Tammy's blog (at least for now) and I don't want to spoil it by having a "discussion" on here.

Please understand this isn't about the Filter. I enjoy writing more than I ever dreamed. If you told 18 year old me that I would write a blog. I would have said what is a blog, I am that old. I think moving it would be good and I could do other thing with the site if I wanted to. I could write music reviews in my messed up style or other things like my crazy recipes. As for the effort to go to another site. you could sign up for the newsletter that would send it directly to your email. If no one is interested that is fine I just thought it might be a fun adventure for me. I even though about actually making funny shirts. Here is the funniest idea I have:

Useless Recap:

• I bought a shirt
• This is it
• I probably over paid
• I regret this purchase

Please know the content filter is not why I am considering this. This is about Susan's site and this is causing distraction from the purpose of the site.

Please see this post to see what started this discussion:
https://www.susans.org/index.php?msg=2354660

DM or email is the place for that discussion as it breaks Terms of service. Now having said that.
Lets move the censorship topic into DM or email and lets get back to this thread being what it was meant to be and that is a blog that was created by the user. Thank You. Hugs
Mariah

Always know that you can post as much or as little as you like. The mission comes down to being here for everyone and that includes you and everyone else always. At the end of the day it is always your choice, but know you are always welcome here and welcome to post on Susan's too. I can relate to the paranoia because my spouse will go through bought of it which places it as something I need to help them through which I do without hesitation. We all have those days or points when it happens and that is okay. We all also end up at points where we are around less or on less and this perfectly okay too. At the end of the day, it is your call on how much or little you use the site and we are behind you 100 percent regardless. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: tammy753 on September 21, 2026, 01:29:16 PMMy paranoia is checked in for duty today. That part of me is the most efficient.

Today, I lost the 4-pack of tear and snot absorption tissue right before my therapy session. This somehow convinced that part of my brain that someone broke into my house strictly to steal my crying tissues, intentionally leaving the guitars and signed albums sitting right by the door.

I had a brief thought someone took them so when I do cry, I can't sop it up. My brain sweats out my nose when I cry; they knew exactly what they were doing.

I also believe the world knows when I don't plan for lunch and need to run out to get food, so it rains. To maximize the efficiency of the torment, there is also a lunch meeting, leaving me exactly 10 minutes to eat.

Paranoia might be a thing to watch out for when I get old, but based on family history, I'm ahead of schedule. My Teleporting grandmother was convinced we were conspiring to take away her ability to drive. She couldn't walk to the car without falling.

Now, at that time I didn't realize she could teleport, so she probably knew she could teleport to the car. I would ask her if she can teleport why does she need a car, but she'd probably just tell me the highway infrastructure in the ether is a nightmare.

Speaking of institutional displacement: I am looking for a new home for this blog. It turns out my unfiltered brain health updates are distracting from the actual mission of Susan's Place, and I would never want to do that.

I will still post here once a week or so, but having a standalone blog under SocketSeekers will be better than causing issues in the forum. Would people be interested in reading a more unfiltered version of my blog?

Useless Recap:

• Probably Paranoid
• Dementia is probable
• Teleporting grandmother didn't need a car
• SocketSeekers relocation possible.

Disclaimer: I avoiding saying Kleenix...Dang it! Please don't sure me Kleenix. WOOHOO! Typo saved the day!

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 21, 2026, 03:35:36 PMIf you look at posts from Davina, Chrissy, and others who have been here a long time, you will see they discuss just ordinary things we all experience. That is important to show people who are struggling what "post-op normal" life looks like. It gives them hope.

@Lori Dee

You hit the nail on the head sister!... That is indeed one of the most powerful aspects of posting here about daily life... Hope for those who have long viewed their situation as hopeless is an amazing thing and a beautiful gift... Sometimes we do the most good for others by simply living our daily lives!

Blessings and Hope To All,

Ashley 💕

Spot on. It often happens that those of us who are post op move and leave this place behind. The nice thing about having those of us who are post op is it gives hope to others and even a source to get info in regards to the experience that person is having. It's always a blessing when those of us stay around both for ourselves, but others in the community too. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: tgirlamg on September 21, 2026, 06:54:21 PM@Lori Dee

You hit the nail on the head sister!... That is indeed one of the most powerful aspects of posting here about daily life... Hope for those who have long viewed their situation as hopeless is an amazing thing and a beautiful gift... Sometimes we do the most good for others by simply living our daily lives!

Blessings and Hope To All,

Ashley 💕

Ok I didn't expect this response. So I have made a decision. I will keep posting here and build the site. The content my blog will be the same but if I write a review for a new album i will post that there or other silly things. I think this is a fair compromise. I really thought you all would be excited so I am a little surprised.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 21, 2026, 07:52:48 PMOk I didn't expect this response. So I have made a decision. I will keep posting here and build the site. The content my blog will be the same but if I write a review for a new album i will post that there or other silly things. I think this is a fair compromise. I really thought you all would be excited so I am a little surprised.

Tammy,

When you get the site set up, you can link it in your profile so it shows up as the globe icon under your avatar pic, and you can put a link to it in your signature line. I promise to visit from time to time to see what you have done with the place.

Tammy, I am excited for you, if you are excited and if you set up a blog I will pop in to read it. If you had a passion for it and I have picked you up wrong and inadvertently poured cold water on it then I am sorry.

Maybe I should just take a break from here for a while.

Hi Everyone

Mariah you said:

Quote from: Mariah on September 21, 2026, 07:11:45 PMSpot on.  It often happens that those of us who are post op move and leave this place behind.  The nice thing about having those of us who are post op is it gives hope to others and even a source to get info in regards to the experience that person is having.  It's always a blessing when those of us stay around both for ourselves, but others in the community too.  Hugs

Mariah

You have hit the proverbial nail on the head.

I have just had this discussion with a friend and it is something I have noticed from time to time.  I came to Susan's 21 years after I changed my life around.  Two years later I left wondering what more I could contribute to Susan's.  In all that time before and after I simply lived my life the same as everybody else.

Mariah is right that people who are post op often move on.  That is a normal part of the journey.

I came back to Susan's to do some research and silly me I entered the fray again.  I started telling my story through my blog and through posts here and there.  One reason I continue doing that is to help others and to let them know that living an ordinary life afterwards is possible.

As for how Susan's is run I may not agree with every rule or every decision.  That is normal in any community.  However this is Susan's site, her playground and her rules.  While I am here I will respect those rules.

I'm too old and lazy to move on anyway.  I don't have enough hours in the day to go wandering or walkabout.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Mariah

Quote from: Sarah B on September 22, 2026, 03:13:29 AMOne reason I continue doing that is to help others and to let them know that living an ordinary life afterwards is possible.

Not only "afterwards". Your blog and sharing, as well as others' blogs and sharing, are indeed very valuable also for someone like me who is in the very beginning of a kind of social transition and currently does not really think that physical transition via surgeries will be needed.
💕

Each journey is unique and is okay and a good thing too. My spouse hasn't felt surgeries were needed either and she is perfectly happy. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Finally Anna on September 22, 2026, 03:33:23 AMNot only "afterwards". Your blog and sharing, as well as others' blogs and sharing, are indeed very valuable also for someone like me who is in the very beginning of a kind of social transition and currently does not really think that physical transition via surgeries will be needed.
💕

I had a churro protein bar today. It was okay, but all it actually accomplished was making me want real churros.

This is a major psychological problem. I recently discovered a place in town that sells actual churros in a five-pack. I have resisted so far because I have a well-documented habit of finding a food I like and eating it every single day until I gain at least 800 pounds.

Are churro protein bars a gateway drug, or a healthy meal replacement? The world may never know. Let's be honest: they would put asbestos in a protein bar if it made the texture tolerable to eat.

Look, I can tell we are already losing the plot here. Let's take a brief intermission from my impending obesity to discuss white-collar crime.

I've been eating out a lot lately, and yesterday someone tried to use my debit card in another state. Because I have frequented a truly embarrassing number of local establishments over the last month, I have no idea where the data was leaked.

Every single restaurant is now a prime suspect. I am currently looking at the teenager who handed me a frosty last Tuesday like he's an international cartel leader.

Fortunately, the bank's fraud alert tripped before they could drain me. I got incredibly lucky.

Because of this, I have a new survival plan. That specific account will no longer be used for anything other than major bills. Everything else is going through a secondary account. If you value your life, I suggest having two separate accounts; that way, when one card inevitably gets compromised, you still have enough cash to buy groceries.

Which brings us to the next structural disaster of this post. We need to stop arguing about last week's drama and start arguing about the fact that restaurants are still putting pickles on sandwiches.

I firmly believe the cartel is conspiring to insert pickles into everything. There is a verified pickle cartel operating in this country, and I am the first to notice it.

Hear me out, because I can already feel you all pulling away and trying to close the tab. I bought a fish sandwich the other day, and they put pickles on the fish. Is this a recognized culinary trend? If it is, we need to launch a collective class-action lawsuit. It is objectively gross, and you all know it.

And don't start typing a comment about how tartar sauce has relish in it. I know it does. But let's not bring logic and reason into this debate. I am right, and logic and reason is wrong.

Anyway, this segment is over. I am forcibly concluding this argument for my own mental safety and physical safety, we don't want Big Pickle hunting me down. We need to focus on actually important things—like supporting trans people—and we need to stop the spread of vinegar-soaked cucumbers.

Seriously. Enough with the pickles.

Useless recap:

• Well this entire post was useless.
• Pickles on fish is a crime against humanity.
• Every fast-food worker in a five-mile radius is a cartel suspect.
• Massive churro craving.
• STOP THE PICKLES ALREADY.

Disclaimer: Pickles are gross, Big Pickle is actively monitoring my internet traffic, and I am heavily considering suing.

But tartar sauce has ....oh. Never mind.

Quote from: Devlyn on September 22, 2026, 08:31:13 AMBut tartar sauce has ....oh. Never mind.

I knew it would be you to try and defend the Pickle Cartel.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 22, 2026, 08:37:02 AMI knew it would be you to try and defend the Pickle Cartel.

Okay, dill me out then.

Hi Tammy

Well I can commiserate with you on the churros.  In my case it is seafood laksa at the moment, homemade of course and just to be authentic I use chopsticks.  Oh and I work it off the next morning by beating up the pool mercilessly.

In the case of pickles, there are pickle eaters amongst us, so please be careful.  I'm not one of them.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@tammy753

Quote from: Sarah B on September 22, 2026, 08:49:02 AMIn the case of pickles, there are pickle eaters amongst us, so please be careful.  I'm not one of them.

We call them collaborators.

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 19, 2026, 05:56:05 PMTammy,

I love your sense of humor. If you are not familiar with Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal, it is hilarious. I think you might enjoy it.

https://homeports.org/my-colonoscopy-journal-by-dave-barry/

Hah! That reads like a Pat McManus column from Field & Stream. No, I'm not being cute with the name! 😀

I sympathize with you on the card issue. But be aware that the fraud may not have been committed by anyone who actually touched your card.

Many years ago, I bought my wife a Christmas present. She was a big Minnesota Vikings fan, so I ordered an official starter jacket. I ordered it directly from NFL.com. Safe right?

One Saturday morning, I got a call from the credit card company. Like you, their fraud detection team flagged suspicious activity and asked me to verify that, while I was sleeping, I had flown to India and purchased a website and a bunch of website design software. So they canceled the card, credited the new account, and had me sign a bunch of affidavits that I am not a sleepwalker or frequent sleep flyer.

It turns out a warehouse for a big NFL merch supplier had been broken into. The thieves stole merchandise, as well as customer files. My card information was then sold on the Black Market and eventually used by somebody in India to set up a website.

So it wasn't anyone that I trusted with my information. The people they trusted with my information failed to safeguard it. But like you, I became very suspicious of waitresses and cashiers. I checked gas pumps for skimmers. I made sure to memorize the names of people who touched my card, when and where, etc. But it turned out that none of them were responsible. They caught the thieves, but I don't know what happened after that. They probably got pardoned.

Your survival plan is a good one. It never hurts to be cautious. Just understand that our information is exposed in places we can't control or even suspect.

TL;DR

I like pickles.
I don't eat fish, so I would never contaminate a pickle with fish.
I am not a member of Big Pickle or its affiliates.
😁

Sorry to say I put gherkins on my cheese burgers at the weekend, now I have 1/2 a jar in the fridge leering at me. I never had a pickle craving but some of the girls on here did after starting HRT!!
   Okay a bit of IRL from weekend, got called her, no bother in ladies rest rooms and got a big hug from lady that pin striped my car. Just normal stuff.

We have Pickle Cartel spies amongst us...we will resist you.

That is awesome! I thought about having black graphics on the side of my mustang and even bought some but I couldn't bring my self to do it.

I need to down load a pick to host site when I can de bothered (I was being polite there) so I can post it.

I had never had churros tell I moved to Arizona. They are definitely addictive for sure although amazing. I know doubt gained some pounds from them over time down here. Having said that, if I have fish, I always have tartar sauce. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Sarah B on September 22, 2026, 08:49:02 AMHi Tammy

Well I can commiserate with you on the churros.  In my case it is seafood laksa at the moment, homemade of course and just to be authentic I use chopsticks.  Oh and I work it off the next morning by beating up the pool mercilessly.

In the case of pickles, there are pickle eaters amongst us, so please be careful.  I'm not one of them.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@tammy753

Quote from: tammy753 on September 22, 2026, 10:28:36 AMWe have Pickle Cartel spies amongst us...we will resist you.

That is awesome! I thought about having black graphics on the side of my mustang and even bought some but I couldn't bring my self to do it.

Drastic times call for Vlasic measures. Er, I mean I don't know what you're talking about.

Quote from: Devlyn on September 22, 2026, 01:17:26 PMDrastic times call for Vlasic measures. Er, I mean I don't know what you're talking about.

ANOTHER SPY! We are out numbered.....or am I in the heart of the cartel....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Quote from: tammy753 on September 22, 2026, 01:28:12 PMANOTHER SPY! We are out numbered.....or am I in the heart of the cartel....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You're overreacting. I'm going to have you talk to my friend Vin Egar. He's an expert on these matters.

Hi Tammy

You said:

Quote from: tammy753 on September 22, 2026, 10:28:36 AMWe have Pickle Cartel spies amongst us...we will resist you.

Soon you will hear "We are the Pickle Cartel.  Resistance is futile" [1].

So just grin and bear it.

😂🤣

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
]1] Pickle Cartel = Borg
@tammy753

Quote from: Sarah B on September 22, 2026, 03:19:56 PMHi Tammy

You said:

Soon you will hear "We are the Pickle Cartel.  Resistance is futile" [1].

So just grin and bear it.

😂🤣

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
]1] Pickle Cartel = Borg
@tammy753

We can't give in. Before we know it they will put it in ham salad...shoot too late. At least we have peanut butter and jelly. I am going to check the ingredient lists just to make sure. They already got the pringles. is nothing sacred?

For your viewing pleasure. Just imagine they're churros.

Quote from: Devlyn on September 22, 2026, 03:42:03 PMFor your viewing pleasure. Just imagine they're churros.

🤢

Hi Tammy

You said:

Quote from: tammy753 on September 22, 2026, 03:32:27 PMWe can't give in. Before we know it they will put it in ham salad...shoot too late. At least we have peanut butter and jelly. I am going to check the ingredient lists just to make sure. They already got the pringles. is nothing sacred?

Seriously! Not anymore!

🤔

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@tammy753

Quote from: tammy753 on September 22, 2026, 03:32:27 PMWe can't give in. Before we know it they will put it in ham salad...shoot too late. At least we have peanut butter and jelly. I am going to check the ingredient lists just to make sure. They already got the pringles. is nothing sacred?

I have Pickle Ranch Salad Dressing in my refrigerator.

OMG, they are everywhere!

I have never heard of it or tried it. How is it? Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 22, 2026, 05:52:58 PMI have Pickle Ranch Salad Dressing in my refrigerator.

OMG, they are everywhere!

Hi Everyone

Anti-pickle hater: "Pickles are disgusting!"
Pickle Cartel boss: "Big words for someone standing in pickle territory."
Anti-pickle hater: "I'm not scared of you."
Pickle Cartel boss: "You should be.  Now dill with it."

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Quote from: Sarah B on September 22, 2026, 06:11:27 PMAnti-pickle hater: "Pickles are disgusting!"
Pickle Cartel boss: "Big words for someone standing in pickle territory."
Anti-pickle hater: "I'm not scared of you."
Pickle Cartel boss: "You should be.  Now dill with it."

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 22, 2026, 05:52:58 PMI have Pickle Ranch Salad Dressing in my refrigerator.

Now we have a proof and the transcript proves it. The infected the ranch dressing too. Isn't that the international dipping sauce, we can't let this stand. The Pickle Cartel needs to be taken down.

Quote from: Devlyn on September 22, 2026, 01:59:50 PMYou're overreacting. I'm going to have you talk to my friend Vin Egar. He's an expert on these matters.

@Devlyn is the spy. She knows the pickle king pin Vin Egar. She admitted as much. We need to locker her up and make her talk. I should have put this together on the last page but I didn't read ahead.

Do they still use the bright lights in a dark room thing or is it the good cop bad cop? I might need to watch more Law and Order.

Ranch is definitely my favorite dipping sauce. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: tammy753 on September 22, 2026, 07:04:56 PMNow we have a proof and the transcript proves it. The infected the ranch dressing too. Isn't that the international dipping sauce, we can't let this stand. The Pickle Cartel needs to be taken down.

Have any of you tried fry sauce? 

Quote from: Mariah on September 22, 2026, 06:02:19 PMI have never heard of it or tried it. How is it? Hugs
Mariah

I like pickles. I like Ranch dressing.
Together. It makes your mouth do strange things.
Definitely unique flavor, but easy to get tired of quickly.
Now I use it to marinate chicken. That isn't bad that way.

Welcome back Socket Seekers,

So yesterday we addressed the Pickle cartel and we identified one of their generals in the comments @Devlyn. I feel like yesterday's post set the correct level of seriousness for my blog.

But today, I have to take a break from trying to crack the pickle cartel to do my therapy homework. Normally I would procrastinate and talk about the Chocolate Covered Weapon of Mass Destruction that General @Devlyn posted pictures of.

Instead, welcome to my therapy homework assignment, and I didn't delay it until the morning it was due.
I told her I was thinking about delaying my move and my social transition.

I have a good-paying job and selling my soul for a couple more years means I may not need to get a new job.
I would need to live on a tighter budget and visiting Taco Bell isn't going to be a daily activity—my colon will like that.

But I could reasonably live on my savings and retirement money until I reach Social Security age.

The bonus is that this plays perfectly into my agoraphobia and anxiety issues. My therapist would say that those issues are driving this decision, but she has to be wrong at some point and I am choosing to believe she is wrong here.

In an act of defiance, I do the math every month in hopes of escaping. But mathematics keeps pointing out how delusional my plan is.

I am trying to decide if suffering through hiding myself for two more years is better than having to start over at a new company.

There is no safety net here. I don't have family to fall back on if the equation fails.

I have been with my current financial overlords for over a decade. If I extend my servitude with them just a little longer, I think the math might finally work out.

Money is the ultimate insulation. If I have enough of it, I can buy complete isolation, and isolation is the only place my anxiety feels quiet. Delaying the transition isn't just a career move; it's a tactical retreat behind a wall of financial security.

The other thing she wanted to talk about is that I feel like giving up on transitioning. I know I have said this before, but I was instructed by her to not bottle it up inside like I normally do.

I envision myself as one of those soda delivery trucks from the early 80s—the ones where when you roll up the side door, there is just a solid wall of glass bottles.

She has this way of going, "You seem happy, let's see what trauma is in all of these." Then she shoves over my nice neat stack of bottles that then explode.

Those shattered bottles unleashed a flurry of dark clouds that are taking over today's blog.
Then I end up crying and single-handedly funding the worldwide takeover of the Kleenex Corporation. Although she did say she is sponsored by Puffs. Follow the money.

So that is today's post. Not silly Pickle Cartel jokes today. Just stupid self-reflection.

Useless recap, yep they won't stop:

• General Devlyn is planning an assault on the chocolate industry. It will never be the same.
• Mathematics refuses to cooperate.
• Delaying transition out of fear or cowardice.
• My therapist is a 12-year-old with a BB gun.

Disclaimer: Kleenex, I am sorry I keep mentioning you. Please don't sue me; you will make mathematics more evil.

I don't know about your job situation and life circumstances (I only show up in your blog when they beam the Batman-style pickle searchlight into the sky) but for me the right time to start collecting social security was the day it became available to me, my 62nd birthday.

I did the research and followed the advice  that said if you wait until you're older to get a bigger monthly payment, you may not have the energy and health to do the things you thought you were going to do.

As I was getting winded reading the pamphlet about walking the entire length of the Great Wall Of China, I decided that the advice was spot on.

Oh, and you might put your eye out, kid!

I think you are examining the facts of your situation with clarity. Financial situations affect everything from gas money and Taco Bell to healthcare and surgeries. That is important.

When I left the Army after 14 years, it was because I did the math. My back injury prevented me from any further promotions, and I had served at my current rank for nine years. I could have reenlisted for one last six-year hitch and slide into retirement with a pension and medical benefits.

My other option was to bail out and get a Real Job™ that included better pay and benefits. I opted to take my Honorable Discharge, file a disability claim through the VA, and get a job.

I am glad I did. Not only did I find work that paid much better, but it also had similar medical insurance.

Of course, six years later, I slipped on some ice, blew out a disc in my neck, and became permanently disabled. The "benefit" was that I retired at age 40, but I do not recommend this as a plan of action. It was painful and financially devastating.

Keep your options open. If sticking around makes sense, do that. If that changes a year from now, change your plans.

The universe laughs at your plans. is that the saying? I know its something like that.

I was able to collect survivor's benefits when I turn 60, so I did that!
I can switch to my own benefits when I need more money.

It has worked out better than I expected.  The survivor's benefits plus an inherited annuity are about the same as my daily expenses. This year I started moving money from my IRA to my Roth IRA.  This creates a savings fund that I can take out the principal right now without being penalized, yet the capital gains and dividends from my investments aren't taxed if I wait 5 years.  I calculated the amount of money I can safely convert and still quality for Obamacare subsidies that pay for my health insurance.

It is all very complicated. 

Sometimes we can't even wait tell our 62nd birthday because health gets in the way. I was watching a YouTube video yesterday and really it hit the nail on the head. Sometimes the timing comes down to health and other things especially for those like myself. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Devlyn on September 23, 2026, 01:36:18 PMI don't know about your job situation and life circumstances (I only show up in your blog when they beam the Batman-style pickle searchlight into the sky) but for me the right time to start collecting social security was the day it became available to me, my 62nd birthday.

I did the research and followed the advice  that said if you wait until you're older to get a bigger monthly payment, you may not have the energy and health to do the things you thought you were going to do.

As I was getting winded reading the pamphlet about walking the entire length of the Great Wall Of China, I decided that the advice was spot on.

Oh, and you might put your eye out, kid!

Socket Seekers we are now returning to our regularly scheduled insanity.

Every morning I pour a large glass of Oxygen and Hydrogen. They are the perfect temperature of 37 degrees.

Then, in an amazing act of defiance, they immediately start increasing in temperature. In less than an hour they have increased to 65 degrees.

I think they are having a dance party in there and are working up a sweat. Their sweat is all over the outside of my glass. This is causing my desk to start to flood.

There is an insulated storage container less than 100 feet from me in my Jeep, and yes, I could just go get it.

Why should I have to be reasonable when they can't stop their party for a while until I consume them and turn them into urine?

I just had a realization. This is part of my therapist's evil plan. She calls it exposure therapy; I call it social assault.

She is collaborating with my faulty memory and the hydrogen and oxygen atoms to make me leave my house.

She has been pressuring me to go to her office for a session, and I am resisting because I am still trying to prove that human interaction is unnecessary.

I have agreed to subject myself to human interaction in a few weeks, but now she wants to do it sooner.

She had the gall to want to do it next week instead of never. I really like my date better, but she doesn't think that will help me.

We did settle on going in mid-October.

So now I am doing that thing when you get invited to an after-hours work party where you try to find any valid reason to not have to suffer through it.

My current plan is to tell her that I am trying to bust up the Pickle Cartel, and I don't have the 40 extra minutes in three weeks to drive to her office and back.

But I think she works for them.

She is currently double-dipping. She is sponsored by Puffs and is a secret operative of the Pickle Cartel.

I would report her to the police, but I don't know how far this Pickle Cartel has infected our government.

Useless recap, this may be a crime blog today:

• Hydrogen and Oxygen are collaborating with my therapist.
• My therapist is trying to force human interaction.
• My therapist is a verified Pickle Cartel operative.
• I am becoming paranoid, but I know they are watching me.

Disclaimer:
Puffs, I know you are part of this. Please don't sue me; I thought this was funny and I need tacos to survive. The Pickle Cartel hasn't infected them yet.

*All temperatures are in Fahrenheit, in the US we like to make it really hard to communicate with other countries, that's the only reason I can think of why.

Wondering if I'm the only one old enough and American enough to remember Sock-it-to-me-time...?

I don't know that reference so I feel younger today. THANKS!

Whippersnapper!

Quote from: Devlyn on September 24, 2026, 08:31:44 AMWondering if I'm the only one old enough and American enough to remember Sock-it-to-me-time...?

Sock-it-to-me-Sock-it-to-me! 🎉😀👍

Quote from: tgirlamg on September 24, 2026, 09:30:42 AMSock-it-to-me-Sock-it-to-me! 🎉😀👍

Someone is lying about their age in reverse....you aren't old enough to remember that.

I remember. But I am older than dirt.

I am almost old enough to forget it... and half of my life with it.

Youngsters!! I can remember watching Muffin the Mule (okay only in the UK I expect)

Quote from: tammy753 on September 24, 2026, 09:32:22 AMSomeone is lying about their age in reverse....you aren't old enough to remember that.

Here come the judge... Here come the judge! 😀 Last Saturday night, my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary at The Smoke House in Burbank... it is next to NBC and Warner Brothers Studio and was infamous for being taken over by the cast and writers of Laugh-In after filming shows back in the day!

Onward!

A 💕

I don't buy that you are old enough to remember those old references. I could be wrong but I would challenge anyone that sees your pictures to disagree with me.

Quote from: tgirlamg on September 24, 2026, 03:28:30 PMHere come the judge... Here come the judge! 😀 Last Saturday night, my husband and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary at The Smoke House in Burbank... it is next to NBC and Warner Brothers Studio and was infamous for being taken over by the cast and writers of Laugh-In after filming shows back in the day!

Onward!

A 💕

Very interesting...

As kids, we lived in Anaheim, and one year, for my birthday, they took me to the live filming of Bozo the Clown and Captain Kangaroo. I got to meet Mr. Green Jeans!

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 24, 2026, 05:00:30 PMBozo the Clown and Captain Kangaroo

I remember those. I think Bozo is now called Childhood Trauma the clown now.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 24, 2026, 05:24:00 PMI remember those. I think Bozo is now called Childhood Trauma the clown now.

Yes, why keep all the trauma at home? Take your kid to meet them in person!

😟😦😧😱

Quote from: tammy753 on September 24, 2026, 04:11:13 PMI don't buy that you are old enough to remember those old references. I could be wrong but I would challenge anyone that sees your pictures to disagree with me.

Tammy,

Thanks for the sweet words girl... lots of FFS, ablative laser treatments and microneedle treatments were my friend! But, I am a mid 60s Generation Jones girl... I used to watch Laugh-In with my Dad on our Black and White TV!... I still feel like I did in my 30s though... I decided the best approach is to cease any further aging... 💕

Quote from: Devlyn on September 24, 2026, 04:23:20 PMVery interesting...

I grew up in Studio City across from Universal Studios and they were always filming shows around our neighborhood... especially Adam-12 and Emergency!

Quote from: Lori Dee on September 24, 2026, 05:00:30 PMAs kids, we lived in Anaheim, and one year, for my birthday, they took me to the live filming of Bozo the Clown and Captain Kangaroo. I got to meet Mr. Green Jeans!

I am totally jelly!... Capt. Kangaroo was good stuff... I hope at the Bozo filming you weren't picked to be Butch for the Day! You might even remember Hobo Kelly on KCOP 13 in that same era?

Time just keeps going onward huh? 🤔 unsolicited advice for the day: Don't waste a minute... 🌻

A 💕

I am not feeling funny today but I woke up and I feel like Tammy today. I can't explain it but I woke up and something is different in my mind. I get these cycles where I think I am being silly to consider transitioning but today I feel like my true self. I am planning to spend the entire day as Tammy this weekend so maybe that is it. I just don't know what changed. I have been chatting with my friend over email and that has been nice cause I can just be Tammy in that conversation. So no absurd jokes today. Just honesty and me being happy. I might need to be miserable to be funny. That is a problem.

Useless recap:

• Woke up.
• Felt like Tammy.
• Didn't make fun of my self for it.
• Might need to be depressed to write jokes, that is concerning.

Disclaimer: Don't worry my happy days rarely last. The insanity will continue soon.

You know what I do when I'm feeling out of sorts?
-
-
-
-
I have a pickle. 🤣

Quote from: Devlyn on September 25, 2026, 07:39:50 AMYou know what I do when I'm feeling out of sorts?
-
-
-
-
I have a pickle. 🤣

You would.😠

Hey, I took an oath!

QuoteHail Pickle, full of grace
Hallowed be thy name...

Are you all still ok with being called Socket Seekers?

Most of you admitted to voluntary self electro-convulsive therapy. So I think it's too late to voice opposition.

I have also performed self-sabotage mentally and physically.

I currently possess the exact physical silhouette of Jabba the Hutt, if all he ate was Taco Bell and lesser grease emporiums.

I have spent the past couple of months living entirely off fast food.

For two months I have avoided cooking almost as well as I do sit-ups.

Neither have been happening but both really need to.

I like these calorie distribution locations; they allow me to order my bags of fat and sadness online.

Reduced human interaction is preferred.

I am actively trading my long-term cardiovascular survival for an extra twenty minutes sitting in my car scrolling on my phone.

My brain needs to match my physical health.

If I do enough damage to my mind the monsters may stop visiting me so often.

I sit there, sucking on fumes in a drive-thru line, while the slowest humans on earth attempt to place a hamburger on a bun.

Today, while waiting on the worker to work out the logistics of opening a package of buns, I watched a family running from bees.

So at least there was a show.

Those bees invading their happy day were exactly like the imaginary monsters invading my mind.

This is a perfect, bite-sized preview for the American family of what I actually go through with agoraphobia.

I step outside and immediately feel like there are monsters waiting to attack me.

The only difference is that my specific monsters have opposable thumbs.

They have also learned to make grunting noises that vaguely resemble words.

They can't understand words but they mimic sounds like an intelligent primate.

As a trans person who grew up around people with what I am going to call radical hateful beliefs, I won't name names.

But they know what form of demonic monsters they are.

Today was a beautiful day; understand that this is what these perfect days are like for me.

I would have loved to take my portable heart attack to the park and attempt caloric violence against my body.

But those monsters enter my mind and cause me to want to retreat to my sad apartment.

Sitting on the couch in my 1-bedroom apartment watching the same TV shows I have watched for 20 years while thinking about my somedays is really depressing.

Doom scrolling through home listings and question if the people of Colorado have lost their minds.

Apparently, a house that has recently flooded is $250,000.You can tell it was flooded because the drywall was removed from waist-height down.

I guess it could just have the world's largest and jankiest dog door.

Monday will be one of those American Samurai TV shows or whatever they are called for my therapist.

She is going to have to fight off the monsters that have inhabited my mind this weekend.

It makes you wonder what kind of childhood would lead someone to inflict this on themselves.

I sent her my blog posts this week so she may run screaming.

I did hear a scream the other night, but I thought it was my inner voice screaming not to get the 32-ounce milkshake.

We will never know if it was her or that ridiculous inner voice.

Useless recap, are we tired of these yet?
Exclusively consuming fast food is probably bad.
Possible issues with happy families.
Repetitive post about agoraphobia.
Houses are expensive.
Depression has attacked again.
My therapist needs a raise, don't tell her.

Disclaimer: Look, Taco Bell, I have personally kept five Taco Bells open even through the lettuce apocalypse, so don't sue me please.

Quote from: tammy753 on September 27, 2026, 06:09:02 PMDoom scrolling through home listings and question if the people of Colorado have lost their minds.

Apparently, a house that has recently flooded is $250,000.You can tell it was flooded because the drywall was removed from waist-height down.

I question many of those listings myself. @Jessica_Rose and I have a standing joke about a house for sale on Billy The Kid Lane in Pueblo West. They want to sell it, but didn't even clean it before taking photos for the listing. Whoever the previous tenant was, they were angry and trashed the place. I would post a link, but the seller didn't bother to wipe the graffiti off the bathroom mirror before snapping a photo.

Then I remember that weed is legal here. Maybe that explains it. It explains a lot.

Here we are again Socket Seekers!
So, yesterday was therapy, and I continue to fight back against my therapist. I came ready with 2 boxes of Kleenex in complete defiance of her sponsorship by Puffs. I also have 2 more unopened boxes. So, her corporate sponsor will not get me to switch brands.

Therapy was difficult. I was feeling really depressed, so I knew my brain was going to start sweating profusely out of my nose, and I didn't disappoint. I am thinking about installing a drain to catch the brain sweat during my sessions. It would be cheaper in the long run.

We talked about my agoraphobia and my increasing paranoia. She pointed out she might have caused my paranoia, and I agreed 100%. She said it was because she was helping with my issues, but I think she is part of the mass surveillance network that is tracking my movement. For example, I think she sent that pickup truck that was following me a little too close to Pizza Hut, and the loud group of motorcycles that were driving by my apartment at Mach 10.

They must be well funded because it's a different car each time. And at all times of day and night. There was a police car sitting outside my apartment. He was pretending to eat lunch in the business across the street, so you know that they are working up to something. I have taken to only going out at night, but now they have enlisted my neighbor. She parks next to me and pretends to be on the phone until I get home, and she sits there with her headlights blasting my windows. You know this is some form of torture that they have implemented.

She did convince me to schedule my blood tests so I can get my levels checked and make sure I can get a refill on my medication. I think she wants to make sure I am medicated so I don't notice her surveillance. We could blame it on me for pointing out that the med was low and I didn't want to go through the withdrawal and start taking it again. I am choosing to believe she is part of a secret conspiracy and not watching out for my mental health that I pay her to do.

Useless recap:

• Agoraphobic Vampire confirmed.
• Possible Surveillance Network that is controlled by my therapist.
• Growing paranoia, I can feel you all watching me.
• Pizza is good, obviously.

Disclaimer: Kleenex, Puffs, Pizza Hut, local police, and the vast deep surveillance network please leave me alone. I can't afford to be sued.

Maybe ask your therapist pickles
about trying subliminal pickles
messaging to work out pickles
your issues with food? pickles

Some people are evil, why do I have a craving for pickles?

Quote from: tammy753 on Today at 08:26:06 AMSome people are evil, why do I have a craving for pickles?

Uh oh. She found an anomaly in the matrix.

Craving for pickles.
Blood test to confirm pregnancy um, hormone levels.
"To adjust medication dosage." < wink, wink >

Don't worry, Tammy. You are safe.

Seriously, though, do you feel better after the therapy sessions?
Do you feel like they are helping in some small way?

That's the important part.

Yes they help and I usually look forward to them to help me deal with the week. I was not looking forward to yesterdays though. I knew I was in a bad place and I didn't want to talk about it. Again don't tell my therapist but just telling her helped a ton. I did cost me half a box of klennix but it was worth it

Quote from: tammy753 on Today at 09:59:58 AMYes they help and I usually look forward to them to help me deal with the week. I was not looking forward to yesterdays though. I knew I was in a bad place and I didn't want to talk about it. Again don't tell my therapist but just telling her helped a ton. I did cost me half a box of klennix but it was worth it

I'm glad that it helps and it makes you feel better afterward.

My own experience is similar. Sometimes, I was feeling really down and afraid to address it with my "government-employed" psychologist. But afterward, I felt better just being able to talk about it with someone who "gets it."

Sometimes, we didn't even talk about issues. One day, we spent an hour-long session discussing nail polish vs. press-on nails and nail covers. It had nothing to do with my issues, but afterward, I felt much better just talking to her.

I have been sending her my blog posts so not sure I will have a therapist much longer. But she does help me for now.

Quote from: tammy753 on Today at 10:36:08 AMI have been sending her my blog posts so not sure I will have a therapist much longer. But she does help me for now.

Fortunately, your therapist has a therapist.

🤣

So when are you changing your title to sponsored by Kleenex!

Quote from: davina61 on Today at 12:29:22 PMSo when are you changing your title to sponsored by Kleenex!

When they pony up some cash of course.