Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I feel like my life is always in transition- always changing. I look back at my old posts and vividly remember what it felt like to dream about being the person I am today. Testosterone, top surgery, hysterectomy, a beard- all of those things felt like mere dreams when I was 14. At 26, I have lived these things, and I know them well. Recently, though, I have decided to step into the next step of my transition: metoidioplasty. I am terrified and excited all at once.

Right now, I am waiting for my surgery date. I have done a consultation and met with my surgeon to discuss my goals for surgery. I got the letters, things have been confirmed with my insurance, and so now I am just waiting on the surgeon to give me a date. The wait has been agonizing- and on top of it, my surgeon is currently out on vacation, so I won't be hearing back until sometime next week or later this month. I had not expected my dysphoria to increase as I got closer to the next step in my transition- but it really, really, has. I find myself daydreaming about what my body will be like afterwards- what it will be like to finally have anatomy that feels more like myself. I am excited. With any luck, I should be getting my first stage done sometime in September or October.

I have a list written out with all of the post-op supplies I may need. I remember freaking out a little bit when making the list, because it made the possibility of surgery finally seem like something real. I have been dreaming about being in this place for a very long time, and I can't believe I am here. I am hoping to share my journey through this process here, so that others can learn from it- and also so I can talk about everything going on.

The process of getting bottom surgery feels lonely. I do not have many other trans friends who are currently thinking about undergoing this specific procedure, and there is not much in the form of support groups. I am also pretty introverted, and find it hard to share in a new group sometimes. I am hoping that by writing things out here, I will feel a little less alone. I also anticipate I will be unable to do much physically during the healing process, and am looking forward to writing more about my experience throughout this process.

My partner who is also trans, had recently asked me what we do after we finish our transitions. I find myself wondering the same thing sometimes, because a lot of my life has been centered around prioritizing my transition- in some ways, it is hard to imagine a life with no more transition goals. That being said, I will be happy to have the extra headspace freed up- thinking about surgeries and HRT and all that takes up so much energy. When the time came for me to answer his question, I simply replied 'We live.' WE LIVE!!! After all of these transition goals are checked off, I plan on living my life as fully as possible. But living life fully seems like a transition too, because I am always learning new things about myself. For me personally, I tend to think of life as one big transition up until the day we die, and then our bones and spirits transition into something new, or something else. Until that day, I will just be going through all of life's transitions. I am excited to live in the body I have always dreamed about. I am excited to have a small bulge in my bathing suit, to be able to pee standing up, and to have anatomy that fits the desires of my soul. Even the sweat marks left behind on my chairs will be more affirming- I truly can't wait.

It is a long road until then, full of all kinds of challenges. I am nervous about the catheter- I remember having one in for my hysto and it was awful. I try not to worry too much about complications because any of the risks are worth the possible outcome for me. I am not sure what it will be like to look at my anatomy all swelled up and angry. This feels like a whole different animal compared to my last surgeries, and I truly cannot imagine what any of this is going to be like.

I am excited to share the euphoria and challenges as I navigate this part of my journey. I am also excited to read and connect with the journeys of others. I will be updating you all on my progress as it evolves. For now, I am just waiting- and telling the dysphoria that things will be better soon.


 

 

I'm ashamed to say I do not know much about the Metoidioplasty procedure but I can confidently say there are many parallels to how you feel about transition with that of a M2F trans person like myself. For 50 years the trans issue has been living large in my mind. When I finally get the GRS I need, the question of "what next" is definitely something that has crossed my mind. Like you I hope to just be able to live life. To live as any normal woman does. I want to be ordinary, to not stand out, to just be one of the girls. Whether I will ever achieve that, who knows but that is my goal. I truly hope you can find the peace and the ability to just live life on your terms post op. At 26 years old you will have a bright future ahead of you.

I am very interested in your journey as I feel it is something I really should know more about. We share the same difficulties, the same social problems, the same uphill battles for acceptance. All too often this site seems to focus solely on transwomen. I hope you can find your voice on here.

I wish you all the very best for your upcoming surgery.

Sarah xx

WOW I to have never looked at the other side of transition. I have hated that part of me for so long that I forget others envy that. I didn't even know that they could do that so I am really glad there are options for Transmen. I am like Sarah I want to just disappear into a crowd and live anonymously. I am dealing with Agoraphobia and social anxiety so I the idea of just being ignored be cause I pass is my goal. It sounds like you want to live loud and this procedure will give you that confidence. Don't let others stop you from getting what you need to be happy. Good luck on the surgery!

Quote from: ferretboi7312 on Yesterday at 02:47:57 PM...My partner who is also trans, had recently asked me what we do after we finish our transitions...

When the time came for me to answer his question, I simply replied 'We live.' WE LIVE!!! After all of these transition goals are checked off, I plan on living my life as fully as possible. But living life fully seems like a transition too, because I am always learning new things about myself. For me personally, I tend to think of life as one big transition up until the day we die, and then our bones and spirits transition into something new, or something else. Until that day, I will just be going through all of life's transitions. I am excited to live in the body I have always dreamed about...

I only participate in this forum when something fundamental comes up. I completed my transition about 7 or 8 years ago, and I am no longer a very active member in this forum but I still participate in local support groups.

From my experience in the local support groups, many, way too many are focused on transition only. They have not secured future employment or even the education needed to provide for themselves after transition.

This is a very important part of every persons transition. How will you support yourself and what do you want to do with the rest of your life? Options are limited because not everyone accepts people like us and the current situation in the US is less than optimal.

Set your goal. Make a plan. Work the plan.

I will tell you that my experience is that I no longer consider myself a transexual. I have a past that is completely different than now. I had medical intervention and I am happy with the results. I am just another elderly woman living life to the fullest. If you need to put a label in my situation, I am semi-stealth. I am open to family and friends but for everyone else my medical history is none of their concern.

Do I need the things that I thought were so important years ago? Not all of them but I am still involved in many things, such as family and activities. Life goes on and if you plan well, life is wonderful. Amen.

I am done preaching now. I will pop in on occasion but only when I have something intelligent to say.

Bye for now and best wishes in your new life.

Ozzie, thank you so much for this.

We do have guys here on the forum, but they don't seem to share much about their journeys. I think that by sharing your experience, maybe we can coax them into sharing their stories too. As others have said, we often don't get a glimpse of what the guys go through. Yes, dysphoria is similar, but the surgeries are different, the hormones are different, and the societal experiences are different.

Thank you for helping us better understand. We all learn from each other.