Susan's Place Transgender Resources

...and I still don't know if I should take that last step at my industrial workplace.

Hey everyone. I've only been reading you guys for a couple of days, but I really need to get this off my chest somewhere I won't be judged for playing it safe.

I've been at this company for 4 years. I work in an office inside an industrial plant, so the vibe is pretty heavy and masculine, with that after-work beer culture. When I got hired, I had very long hair, and I knew I wouldn't land the job if I showed up as who I really am. So I did what many of us have done: I showed up with my male name, my deep voice, and my best "regular guy" smile.

The slow drip strategy.
Once I was in, I started loosening the ropes. First a subtle change, then one piece of clothing, then another. After 4 years, all my clothes are from the women's section: women's shirts and pants, plus earrings, necklaces, and carefully done hairstyles. No skirts, dresses, or heels, but absolutely everything I wear is women's. My hair reaches my waist. The way I move, gesture, my energy... it's all mine, no filters.

And here's what messes with my head: no one has ever asked me if something's up. Not a single "hey, what's that about?", "are you okay?", or "do you prefer we call you something else?". They are extremely discreet. Either respectful, indifferent, or just waiting to see how far I go. I don't know, and that uncertainty is a weight I carry every day I step into that office.

The final step: voice and name.
My body already shows who I am. But my voice is still the same, and on my ID, my payroll, and the shift lists, my male name is still there. That duality is exhausting. I feel like in every important meeting I'm doing a balancing act: if I talk in my deep voice, I feel like I'm betraying the woman they see; if I force it, I feel like I'm putting on a show and my insecurity shows.

Taking the step of noticeably changing my voice and asking HR to officially use my name, Edelia, would be crossing a point of no return. And the fear isn't irrational. In such a male-dominated environment, I'm scared that going from "Juan" to "Edelia" will make me the target of heavy jokes, or worse, the uncomfortable coworker they start inviting out for fewer coffees. The law protects me, but the law doesn't ride the elevator with me or accompany me day-to-day when I deal with the plant workers.

My real question.
I don't want people to just say "just be yourself," because that doesn't pay my bills or guarantee that my boss will look at me the same way when assigning me an important project tomorrow. I want real experiences from people who've made this transition in tough industrial settings, whether in plant offices or working with very masculine teams:

· How did you manage the first day with a new voice or asking people to use a new name?
· What did you do with coworkers who had been calling you by your old name for years?
· Did you feel like they kept respecting you as a professional, or did you notice they started treating you like a child or lost respect for you?
· Did you ever feel that "getting through the rough patch" was really worth the peace of mind afterwards, or is it sometimes better to just keep being "the weird one in women's shirts" but without the stress of being labeled?

The hardest part.
It's not the fear of rejection. It's the fear that after 4 years of showing them bits of my truth, they'll decide this last step is "too much" and everything I've built will go down the drain. I've proven my worth for 4 years, I know I'm good at my job, and that's my best card. But the fear of losing the respect I earned through blood, sweat, and long shifts is more real than any inclusion speech.

My question to the forum:
How do you all tell the difference between justified fear, the kind that says "this won't go over well here", and self-sabotage, the kind that says "you don't deserve to take this step"? Has anyone actually taken this step in a similar environment and survived to tell the tale without having to change jobs?

Thanks for reading. Just writing this has already lightened my backpack a little.

In my case wearing skirts to work identified me as one of the competent old timers.

Marion

Edelia, I cannot offer any advice from inside such environment but I am fairly sure that they are so far just respectful in their treatment of you, by not prying into things before you open up for such interaction. They see you and they are very likely to already understand how/who you are.

🥰

Quote from: Maid Marion on Yesterday at 05:34:02 AMIn my case wearing skirts to work identified me as one of the competent old timers.

Marion

I see what you mean. For me, long hair was just my personal confidence thing. But working with people who are obviously much more experienced made me realize that it said more about how I felt than about how good I really am.

Quote from: Finally Anna on Yesterday at 05:57:24 AMEdelia, I cannot offer any advice from inside such environment but I am fairly sure that they are so far just respectful in their treatment of you, by not prying into things before you open up for such interaction. They see you and they are very likely to already understand how/who you are.

I never saw their silence as respect, just them ignoring me. My real fear is that asking for the name change might break that unspoken acceptance we have. Am I overthinking it? Thanks

Obviously, I cannot say for sure but my feeling so far (I am fairly new in the transfemme world) is that overthinking, reading too much into it, having more fear than needed and all other symptoms like that are often an unmotivated fear.

From what you have written, I am convinced that they see you and that they see how you present. People you work with and meet most every day definitely see. And why would they ignore you? Work colleagues seldom ignore each other. Perhaps they are indifferent, in which case they don't care much about your presentation, name or pronoun, but I would bet on them being respectful since this is how most people are.
Industry workers are people just like office people, police, carpenters, beauticians or any other profession are. Perhaps an all-male or mostly male workplace seems to be full of insensitive people, but I can say with certainty that this is not the case. They aren't insensitive and bullies just because they work in industry.

But I cannot know. And perhaps you cannot know either. Go with what feels best? Picture youself 6 months from now, or 1-2 years from now, with your current work-name and presentation. Then with your female name and presentation. Does one of these feel totally wrong, hard to live with, even impossible? Then the other one is perhaps the one that is needed.

💕

I was already retired long before I even learned that I was transgender, so I won't be much help. However, I notice that you slowly and gradually changed your appearance.

You can do the same thing with your voice. Voice training takes a long time to make it automatic without sounding like a cartoon character. But you can start adapting it slowly. Slow changes are less obvious than rapid, drastic ones.

While you are figuring out the name change/official coming out, just start changing your voice to where you want it to be. Start by just speaking more softly, raising your pitch just a little until that becomes a habit. Baby steps.

Eventually, people will wonder why that woman in the office is named "Juan," and when you ask for the name change, they will already understand why.

Good luck.

Can you tell the difference between disrespect and an honest mistake?
There are tonal differences and body language clues that make it easy for normal people to tell the difference.

Fact is, some folks just can't change how they address people. Once they learn a name that is the way  it is.  Tiny is still Tiny, even though he  has grown up and is now 6ft 2inches tall!

I was working at a defense contractor with short hair. I started growing out the hair and nails and when people asked me what was up with the hair and nails I just told them "Turns out I'm a bit of a crossdresser". There was curiosity but no disrespect to speak of. I was never the type to settle for any guff anyway, so that may have had something to do with that. 🙂

I tell people I like to shop for clothes and women's sample sizes fit me perfectly.  They constantly go on sale at deep discounts because most women are too small to fit in them!

Edelia!

From your description of your clothing choices and appearance, I suspect your co-workers know you aren't "like the other guys" even if they don't talk about it, or mention it, to you...

No one can say what a full blown declaration or who you are will bring... I like @Lori Dee 's suggestion since it allows your current approach to proceed in the same manner... I think a truth in transition is, we can tiptoe up to the edge for as long as we wish but somewhere in the process, a bit of a leap of faith is required of us...

My own process was very compressed, I wanted to go to living my life full time in the shortest time possible... I had been in a very male work environment but timed my leaving to coincide with a year that involved 27 hours of surgery (FFS and GRS)... The guys that I was closest to at that 17+ year job are still my friends...

Do you have any female co-workers there in the office that might offer insight about how they see the situation?

Onward Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕

As Ashley says, your appearance is already meaning they likely know the direction you are going in. If you have not experienced any negativity then it is likely you wouldn't have any issues I would think.

I work as part of an all female admin team for Building Control. All the building inspectors are male and I deal with the general public as well as tradesmen and house builders each day. Despite me being in an all female admin team the industry I am in, the inspector team and management and a lot of our customers are all very male dominated. I am pretty certain my coming out out would be fine with my team but I worry how I will be perceived by my male colleagues. I do however work for a local authority and there are many other departments at county hall so County Hall itself is a very mixed maybe even female dominant workspace. that aside I can appreciate how scary it is to take that leap and transition fully. I'm not dressing fem at work but my body is starting to give me away big time. I think I am getting close to a point where I can no longer pretend I'm male.

Sorry, that is a load of waffle really without any helpful advice! Just to say I feel your anxiety and fear regarding fully transitioning in a male environment!